Chapter 5: OKAy believe it or not, this is the only chapter we've written while high. And it shows. HAVE FUN!
WE DONT OWN ANYTHING OKAU
It's a new day, a new doll hair, and a new imp. IDK what happened in the last chapter but we can pick up from "dragon dildo."
Harry had been reading some online forums about how to passive-aggressively get his crush (Dobby) to like him, when his eyes started bleeding. Also, he was in class with his iPhone 2000 out, bleeding on his text books.
"Harold Dank-Ol' Potter!" shouted Prof snape, "GTFO!"
Harry could only assume that he meant to "go to find oranges." We are in the 4th of July! But we are in Englad so oh well. Harry stomped out of the classroom with a glance of pure despair in an orange-hunting frenzy, well, to find oranges to in turn, well...share them with the class!
"Oranges don't live in bloody old cunting Englads!" sighed Harry to himself, wanly. He would just have to manifest some with his magick twig. Harry produced his twig and did a jig. An orange tree began to grow out his ass out of sheer willpower (not magic.) He didn't even need to use A WOND?
Harry, since he was in the hallway with an orange tree growing out of his ass, decided to ditch the rest of class and hop and skip merrily over to Hag's Hut, Not to be confused with that GLORUOUS HOUSE OF GASTRONOMY, PIZZA HUT. Not that.
It was pretty effing cool!
So, what was happening today was, Hagrid had sent a pretty cool secret message to the gang the night before (it was an 8-second snapchat) saying "cum 2 my hut 2nite 4 a gud Tim" and it had the "daddy" sticker as well as a pic of Buckbeak. His cool Hippogriff that we forgot to mention until just now. Or maybe we didn't, idk. What do I look like, a fuggin' secretary of STATE?.
Harry waddled his dumb, splintered asshole all the way to the dirty, smelly, stinky, stinx, fucked up, tore up, toe up, ugly duckling, Lil' Wayne-like giant's homely hut. It stunk. Like, a lot.
Harry could see Hagrid's pube-trimmings on the ground in a pile, next to a pair of scissors. Caught in the act. He knocked on the door.
The door creaked open, and Harry heard some ugly crying going on inside.
"Ruh-roh" sighed Harry in a silly attempt at a Scooby-Doo impression.
Harry sashayed inside like he owned the place, and let me tell you-he DID own it, honey. He was serving up Bloody Nose Pubescent Boy Wearing Wizarding Robes with a Tree Out His Ass Realness, and he was feeling it.
"'AGRID! I 'EARD YOU CRYING LIKE A LIL BITCH AND I CAME TO MAKE SURE EVERYFING IS GOING OKAY WIFF YOU, OKAY SPORT?" sighed Harry, in cockney.
"'Agrid, you're such a tiny baby boy! Crying is a woman's job." Harry sighed again, a little louder but not enough to notice "AT ALL".
In response to that rude af comment, baby Hagard lifted up his big as girl tiny woman breast milk robes to reveal a HUGE HONKIN PUSSY but with balls also that went to his boney and shaky, yet strong-willed and well-meaning knees.
"...oKAYyyyyy I'll just pretend I didn't see that." Haryy sighed, backing away slowly like they do on the Diseney channel.
Suddenly, HermHerm poked her lil frizzy, hay-like head of hair straight out of Hargrid's panty pocket.
"Oy, 'arry! Of course 'e's got the poon!" she shouted in pure disarray and frustration. She was smoking. No WONDER Hagrid's puss looked like it was steaming!
"ANYwayz," Harry sighed big and long, "Hag, I got your snap, brah. Tell it to me straight, what's this gud Tim about? Also, where is my nummy-chummy named Ronald Weezer?"
Hagrid pulled his big sweaty dirt and soup-stained only pair of women's thong cheeky Victoryia's Egret pink and PINK the brand Panties up. "Hiya, Harry. Hermoine and I were just planning a little surprise party for Special Case: Ron Weasely. Herm's making streamers out of my pubes and I was busy as a bee or a magic bee making a cake out of duck and horse meat, I was!" Hagrid extrapolated.
"Golly Gee, oh me oh my! I love a pizza pie! Hecka-Hookah Debron-doo, I eat hellfire and sor do you!" Harry sighed. It was a spell. The spell was to make a cool air freshener appear, because shit was rank AND dank in there. Because Harry was such a fuck, he conjured up a pizza-hookah scented air freshener on accident. But it was kind of nice, in a dirty kind of way. He also conjured a poison apple, like when you're playing The Sims 3 and you make a witch and she conjures and apple, but poison? He also conjured Satan himself, and Satan was actually pretty chill.
"'Sup, brah?" yodeled the Prince of Darkness.
"Oh, hey, Satan." sighed Harry.
They cracked open some brewskis and all sat around with ugly beer guts for a while, planning Ron's party. SUDDENLY Hargrid broke down in the most pitiful display of tears and wet-dog smell and just sad, sad man noises.
Hermione, who was really quite sensitive, looked at Hagrid from across the room as if he was an untouchable. A dirty freak. She did nothing.
Everyone stared at each other in a circle, avoiding Hagrid's crying.
Finally, the blubbering sobs got so bad and loud that it was ruining Harry's good Tim.
"Hagrid, what's wrong?" Harry sighed. He was just being polite.
Hagrid shook with sobs and also laughter because Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 was on and it was amusing.
"BUCKBEAK'S GONNA DIE, Y'ALL!" screamed Hagrid at the top of his lungs.
"Huh? I wonder why?" questioned Satan, genuinely.
"HE DID SOMETHING BAD LIKE IDK I THINK HE ROBBED A BANK AND NOW THEY'RE GONNA EXECUTE HIM BC HES A BAD BOI" crinkle-farted Haggie-boi.
"WE ARE GONNA DO SOMETH?" said someone
"He will be dumped in the prisoner of Azkabarn if we don't do somth! And killed too. Robbing banks is just instinct for him! He can't help it! It's in all Hippogriffs' blood!" cried Hagrid through fistfulls of duck meat.
"THAT's Ron's cake!" cried Satan!
"Shut up, Satan, U don't even know Ronnie!" spat Hermione the bear.
"I know you ALL better than you know yourselves! SEE?" Satan pulled out a few polaroid nudes of the whole gang out from his ass. He also pulled off a mask to reveal his true identity. Turns out, Satan was just Ron in diguise, trying to get the dirty deets on his surprise birthday party.
"RON?" asked the gang, quietly.
"Yeah it me, ya boi, Ron. You chumps. Now listen up. Forget about this whole party thing and the duck meat. We just GOTTA save Buckbook! And I've got the perfect plan." Ronnie explained with a side-smirk and a gig.
"We are going to sneak into Snap's room tonight at 3:24 o-clock sharp. He lives int hat one snake statue at the entrance to the boy's bathroom. What a freak. We are going to need some stone smithing tools, or my rock-hard abs, either ones." Ron tooted out in hushed tones.
"Why Snap?" sighed Harry in disbelief.
"OF CCIURSE" shouted heermione through puffs of hookah. "Snap has grinder on his 5gg Galaxy Smart Phone 5S. It's a homosecual detection app. And Buckbeak is a GAY MAN!"
The gang sat in utter silence until 3:24 o'clock AM on the dart sharp, then all rose up in unison to march loudly through the front yard and through the entrance of the school.
"I want you to all take one now please do" Said Ron/SAtin while passing out what seemed to be air.
"This looks like nothing, but feels like...idk...Some sort of a butt plug?!" whisper-sighed HArry.
"Good on ye mate." said Satan-like Ron. "They're invisibility butt-plugs!"
" OOOOJH I get it now" sighed HArry. "Hermione, tell everyone else what I just understood for everyone else bc I already know, but for dumb ass Hagrid." sighed Harry, again.
Hermione clucked like a chicken, happily. "Ron/Satan has a really clever plan to use these invisibility butt plugs as a cloaking device. Just like Harry's invisibility cloak, but easier and more youthful!"
Bloody Brilliant!
Hagrid was visibly shaking from excitement.
"Plug up, snitches, it's time!" wailed ron in a fit of glory and pride. Every one pulled up their robes in unison, and in the dark hallway, silently plugged their asses up with these cool butt plugs. Hermione's had a furry tail on the end. Ron's looked like a pacifier? Must be a thing. Harry's was actually normal, but he still had a tree in his ass, so that took some finagling.
Hagrid.
There were some sublte pluggin sounds. They used lube, don't get me wrong. Immediately, eveyone became invisible.
"Ojay, I'm gonna get the chisel out" giggled Ron. They chiseled and chiseled, until they got into stupid Dnape's room, which just a crawlspace. Quietly, the gang formed a conga line and hustled over to Snape's 5G LS 4G 450 5X Gen Y2K Smartphone Android phone system, and stole it the fuck. They danced out of there and got the heck out of dodge, and scrambled back to the hut. Pizza Hut this time, in Hogsmeade. But Hagrid went home to cry and to finish off the last of the duck meat rations.
The gang sat around a shitty cheese pizza and looked at grinder together. They kept scrollin on through until they found Buckbeak. He called himself "Fuckbeak" on here.
"Bloody perfect" spat Ron. He spat his dip out onto the pizza.
"Should we like, idk message him or something?" sighed Haryr in exasperation.
ANNA check page 4 for our plans about Buckbeak, and the gang in hogsmeade, and sympathy card, and BRexit.
OKOK cool I think I'm gonna try to take a nap bc my face hurts.
Let's add these notes to the actual chap on 3
The gang went on ahead and went to Hogsmeade to see what was what. They didn't know wahat to do!
ROn: "golly and Haggard. Merle Haggard. I think we should just accept Buckbeaks' death. I mean think about it, we're just dumb fuck idiot redhead kids, with no job, no talent, and no enemas! Let's just accept defeat and buy Hag a sympathy card from that raptor tooth (Hallmark) store over there." said Ron.
The others nodded off to sleep like wee children after a cup of warm of breast milk, and nodded in unison.
Well we walked on into the Hogmark store and buys us a security system and a regular old sympathy card, for your sake.
I ate sevven stools. Amarantine. They looked at cards in the fuck bathroom-smelling Hallmark or HigsMARK.
"Holy jimbs!" cried Ran (Riss) "I shart, I mean THINK that I might see Mark WHALEburg. Let me get his autograph for Prof. Charles Stink!" He shrugged it off a little.
They saw Malk Whaelburg and then looked for a card.
"In the sympathy section!" sighed Harry.
"Hermione got kicked in the ass last night, I'm actually a stunt double" said Hermione.
Harry ignoed their fucking pansy asses and search in sighlence. Among the trash thrash mosh pit card buckets, he spied a few winners.
The first was a detailed diagram of a homosexual sex act. It said "For you, I'm sad. Don't cry, try harder. Fuckin' try-hard."
The other cool card option was that picture of that guy with like the short shorts up his butt at the Eiffel Tower, and it said, "Well, at least you friend being dead isn't as bad as having to look at this fucker in Paris." And it's a wizard card so it's moving. So was the last card!
It had a sad fairy coming down to the states from Canada, where all faeiries are from, and a rainbow. The curly, but respectful font (NOT curls MT): "Dearest comparted compatriot. No words can soothe in such a time of disrepair of your friend, and your emotions, but maybe this Jesus quote will help…
"John 3:16" -Jesus"
ONE MORE. OH THIS WAS THE ONE. It had the perfect balance of sympathy and humor. It was a ginger cat showing it's asshole to the viewer on a chartreuse background. In a blocky font, it simply said "Sh*t Happens!" and the asterisk was aligned to look like the cat's sphinc.
Just had the craziest deja vu. I swear I've written fanfiction in the dark before
I was just looking outside...is that possible?
"OKAY" sighed Harry Poopsnack, "this one is my babygirl. I love her as a baby child and not a card." He swaddled the little infant asshole card with his neckercheif?
"IS THIS HOW ITS SPOSED TO BE?" talked Hermion. "A CARD BECOMES A BABY STINK IN JUST 6 SECS?"
"YES!" sigh-cried Harry in disrepair and doinkbelief. "I PUNT YOU!" Harry punted Herm into the Victoria's Egret next door. Her punted her once. Herm died on impact. She's dead and noone can bring the girl back. Mudblood.
She came back with a deedle-de-whee of a life spell or N. She's alive btw. She's the valedictorian. IDIOT.
Harry carried his wet-with-placenta baby infant (card) to the cutting counter. An old lady cut it in half with some nice scissors.
"FANKS" said-sighed Haroor. He takes his bruised and bloodied baby girl card and walked out of the store happily. Smiling.
Settle down. They also wanted to check out the yankee candle section and cheese snack while they were here. Harry saw a "shit-stained burlap piece of garbage sack dress" scented candle and something about the distinctly familiar scent vaguely aroused him.
"OF COURSE" sighed Harry, suddenly feeling bashful of his raging throbbing purple boner, which he was now ashamedly trying to tuck into his waistband and ignore. Just like cocklate. Melted. You forget. Body heat melts it. Then you find shit everywhere and you're left wondering.
Harry shoplifted the candle.
They got their shit and left. Then they went somewhere else. God.
It was nearly twilight when the motley crue of ragtag ninjas I mean wizards, this isn't Naruto, got to HoggiesWarts. They trekked their past-curfew asses up to the dorms and slept.
The next morning, they were awoken by the smelliest fart they had ever stenched .
"The FUCK is that?" queried the other bouys in the dorm.
"Hermione, that stinky whore FARTED in her sleep, and now we're all gonna die!" slayed BridGretta, one dumb bitch who like to read.
"I DIDNLT fart," creamed Hermione! "This is OBVIOUSLY the distinct smell of a grief-fart!"
"A WHOT!" eveyrone had asked.
"A greif-fart. It happens when a wizard is like really sad. It stinks up the whole 8-mile radius for days, even MONTHS in some cases!"
"Or nor…." Herm thought to herself. If she was indeed smelling a grief-fard, then that meant that Buckbeak had been executed! !
THATS THE END OF THE CHAPER
"Successful and unsuccessful people do not vary greatly in their abilities. They vary in their desires to reach their potential." – John Maxwell