Hagrid is fucking stupid and we fuckin hate him. EDn d scene.
Hagrid, wearing nothing but a skin-tight pair of leather black cheeky pants low on his hips and a spiky belt, but no shirt in sight, all oiled up. He was a cam girl. Tonight. He was up against COMPETEING THAT IS agaisnt some other hot girls. They were Luna LoveGERD, in her cheeky panties and also no shirt and oiled up with chest hair, on chat roulette. Also in attendance, CHo Chang, Robert Pattinson, Tom Hank, Tom Thumb, and a few house elves sharing a camera in a dirty cellar. In the top positions were, Hagrid, and Cho Chang, and also gEorge Clooney for good measure. A dash of him. For good.
SUDDENLY, Tom Hank and Luna LoveGERD crashed through the wall of Hagrid''s hut, (and crashed into me, and Crash Bandicoot) and started absolutely pummeling Haggie Boi to a oily blood pudding pud pulp with chest hair. It was OIL WRESTLING!Q!1! In baby pool1?
"OOOOOH I GET IT, bc it's hot 2 watch hot girls oil wresltle and rubbing their pussss together, so therefore, me, a camgirl, Hagrid, was like, 'Damnnnnnn'" I'm too distracted by tgis show! I have EATEN IT. Gordon Ramsay LOVES puss and is not gay. He proceeds to eat out womans puss day in and day out. He wasnt there though thats just him and is life. U can lead a horse to water but ucant make him TWINk i mean think.
So as you might have gathered from the evidence, um, Hagrid woke up.
"Oh WHee, that must have all been a fever dream from my big period. Wierd. I never thought of wrestling until this very day. HMMMMMMMM…" Hagrid smarted, reaching for his shark vacuum cleaner, which he used each day to vacuum suck his tampon out hi NO to vaccuum the crumbs out of his pubes. He had to use the brush nossle nozzle? To really get in there. He had eaten quite a few doritos in bed, and now he was paying the price. In pube crumbs and also crumbs getting up his crumb covered dickhole tampon GOD IM SO DISTRACTED BY ERIC ANDRE
We're scrapping most of that. But like not really. Wrestling is king here now. Ever since Hagrid woke up from that scary nightmare of a dream. He got way too inspired and put up posters, fliers, pamphlets, you name it, he printed it. At a printer.
The fliers and posters and pamphlets said:
"We need a WWE SMACKDOWN culture at this school, and IM ONLY ONE MAN. The dog days of summerf are OVER and I'm gonna turn this school into a FUCCKING wrestler's PARADISE!" with a picture of Hagrid from 2008 with a fedora on his head, and a fox tail, and a wallet chain. And a goatee, and Goatye, and a rat tail. He was really hot.
Noone even looked at them, which made it really confusing when Hagrid busted down the door to the Great Hall one normal tuesday lunch, wearing support hose (for his varicose veins), a wrestler's onesie, slicked back hair, and aviators, and a sudden big chin. But no muscles.
(later on that day, Hagrid's mom called the school, complaining that her son wasn't getting enough individualized attention.)
And THUS the wrestling program at Hogwarts was BORN. and also Hagrid got placed in a special math class with two other weird snot kids.
The summer of smurf is upon us. California girls.
So, instead of Defense against the dark arts, the class turnt into Defense Against John Cena. And other NEW classes started to pop up, such as:
Intro to pretending to be hit in the face with a desk chair
Toxic Masculinity 101;
Having Long Hair and Still Not Looking Like a Girl
Girls are only good for bikini stuff Class
Bikini Stuff Class
Having an underbite when you yell 102
Stuffing your shorts for the camera
Dramatic Writing
And Red Bull 201
Those are some good courses. The Great Courses. Hogswarts became known actually for their world class rosetta stone and also wrestling expertise. And they stayed famous for the weird cracker rat dropping-induced mass child death thing that happened too and was in the tabloids.
Every corner you turned in that dump, you saw students getting into fake wrestling matches. And ometimes doing math homework. Hagrid was still the only one into wrestling, and was basically forcing stgudents to fight him, a large ogre of a grown man. He killed many.
One such afternoon, Harry was looking at a tabloid about spooky ghosts and Rod Stewa4rt, when Hagrid, his best mate, and best man at his wedding, but that's in the future, yes, to Dobby, he said yes, you might as well stop reading this now since u know the ending, came up to him, and punched him square in the bum cheek. The right one. Harry wasn't expecting it, bc he was looking at the latest message that Dobb Boyo left for him in his porridge. Everyone else was eating spaghetti though. The message read:
"Harrithan, U kno since last Tuez, when we hung my place and watched Kitchen Nightmares, that I like like you. And also, I Fink I need to invite Gordxon Ramesey here to help with our failing Chinese restaurant, PF Chang's. WHot say u/?"
This was all written in a 6-inch bowl of porridge, using alphabet soup, but without the letters, so fuggin figure that one out, and you do the math! Wanker!
"Wow, Dobby! I fink that's a great idear!" sighed Harry into his porridge and not to Dobby at all.
So going back to how Hagrid punched him in the butt cheek. Since that's where Harry keeps secret notes, they all piled out of his ass half-moon cheek on impact. Lots of secrets were in those notes. You could feasibly say that his butt cheek had been the chamber of secrets this entire tim. Lol u could blackmail him, EASY.
In th ebackground, hagrad was eating ass and literally murdering every student in sight. Like actually punting them with such ease bc hes MASSIVE and it's a really unfair fight but his mommy is rly protective and RICH AF so she can get himo ut of anything ;) and any FINK. More about the wressling later bc we can't really think of anything else to say about it rn. And it wouldn't be funny. GORDON RAMSAY? BURST in on the SCENE like how the beatles burst onto the scene in the 60s and how they do in court. HES BLOODY English too like these fuck students.
The announcer to the show started us off:
"Dobby the Elf and Dumble Doorf own a failing restairant. It's called Hogwarts (PF Chang's) and it's a knobby kneed buck of a fuck that's BLEEDING cash. This is the most emotional of Kitchen Nightmares yet! And what will Gordorn Ramsey do that makes THIS houself cry? Find out on this episode of Kitchen Nightmares!"
On THIS episode of KITCHEN NIGHTMATES:
IT WAS 12 O'clock in th3 afternoon, and the boys were just straight chillin in the great hall. Everything was normal, like how Benajmin Franklin was there, and was a horse girl.
Benny, over spring break, went to horse camp at the request of his mummy, who was a rider herself ;) he made no friends, unless of course you count Majesty Daffodil Johnston, the big, busty Apaloosa that he grew close to during his stay at Stinkdormff Prep HorseGirl Academy. She was perfect, with big, thick thighs, and a rump to match! Don't even get me started on those withers! Whoo whee.
Anyway, over spring break, Benny took up a new look. He now had:
Long, slightly wavy but really limp and thin/barely any hair but it still has the balding spot on the top that we all know and love from his depiction on the hunny dolla bill. He's sexy, he's cute, he's a horse girl, to boot! He started wearing a cool tail off his belt/cargo shorts. It was homemade, and he made it out of Dumbledore's rank dank pipe cleaners that were in the garbage. He also was really into wearing a bridle and blinders ;)
Benjamin Franklin cantered up to Harry, Ron, and Hermione as they ate their hawaiian plate-lunches. But porridge for Harry.
"Hey guys! How was your spring break? Mine was really cool! I met a really interesting horse!" He whinnied.
"Hey guys, lately this weird thing has been happening. Every time I cough, my patronus comes out me arse just a little. Poop, too. It hurts quite a bit, feels like razors, really. Do yall know what up with that?" He winnied, questioningly.
The boys tried to understand, but only heard BenFrank making strained horse sounds and being too eager, so they ignored him.
SUDDENLY, a camera crew burst through the doors or whateva, and um Gordon Ramsey started yelling incoherently about how shitty Hogwarts was.
"IM HERE TODAY AT HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARD PEE, CHECKING OUT THEIR DINING HALL, PF CHANGS. ITS A FAILING CHINESE RESTRAUNT, AND IVE GOTTA FIND OUT WHY BEFORE THESE POOR OWNERS GO OUT OF BUSINESS. THIS COULD BE OUR MOST EMOTIONAL EPISODE YET. LET'S FIND OUT WHY." screamed Gordon Ramsey, the camera crews following him into the kitchen dungeon.
Dobby came out to greet him menacingly, by using a pair of forceps from his collection to hold an iron, and then proceeding to iron Gordon Ramsey's hands.
Dobby screeched quietly, "ITS A TRADITIONAL HOUSE ELF GREETING YA DERTY BASTARD. I DONT WANNA CATCH YOU OR ANY OTHER WANKER-MILFS ANYWHERE NEAR MY KITCHEN OR ILL DECAPITATE MYSELF ON CAMERA, GOT IT SHITPIG mama!?"
Another house elf in the background shrugged.
"Looks like this one's gonna be tough." Gordon Ramsey said, pushing his way past Dobby easily, bc Donny is small and weak, and also too pussy to decapitate himself actually. All talk, no cock. He waltzed into the kitchen, and nearly fell down when the stench hit him.
"IS THAT A RIPE OL POOP OR IS IT JUST DOBBY?!" Gordon literally screamed so hard. "Thats just dobby ironing one of his turds. For punishment." spoke one of them background house eLFs I like the spelling ok.
(((( God i type so slow and bad. Wait omg I'm here too now. is gonna get wild, fans. Like comment susbscribe if ur dick has ANY cheese. Do you wanna do you wanna like take the wheel for awhile and i'll jump in in like a lil bit? I mean ya, got something better to do? Also should we leave this in the fic
Yes, we should. No I don'thave anything else to do idk. Should I just watch you type and jump in whenever?lol u know im playin. I lit dont know how we should go about this. I guess thats fine. Okay I'm gonna go for it then? Like ok here I go idk)))))
When Chef Ramsay, my personal boyfriend AND bouy walked into the kitchen, he was aghast at the sight and smell of it. And here's why:
There was a big stinky turd being ironed in the corner, like we already mention. There was also grease and stinky rat cummies littering the floor, much like cat litter litters cat litter boxes.
"EH WHOT?" Stank Chef Ramsay, "I CUNT BELIEVE YOURE SERVING CHILDREN OUT OF THIS KITCHEN. WHOT IS HTIS HMMMMM?" Chef Sir was gesturing convulsively to a pus-covered, rotting bag of ears inside of the walk-in. Wow. This is some heavy stuff. Those ears were supposed to be for the warm ear salad. NOW what will the kids and children wizards eat? " Probably rat turd dirt."Or ears of corn.
Dobby chimed in, "I don't owe you any explanation, shitpig! It's my chinese restaurant, NOT YOURS and I'll give children disentary if I damn well please!"
Chef Ramsay kept on looking all around this stinky, nasty, grimy, sweaty, seepy, seepage, sewer-like kitchen in calm disgust. CALM though. He digested in fear. Then ran to the bathroom and gagged and threw up a bit like in every Ramsrams returned from the bathroom, Dobby deftly snuck out of the room to collect the toilet-vomit for later. It was for his pet rock. And NOT for him to eat.
MEANWHILE in Ass-Worshiping class with Professor McGonallGal, Professor McGongall was teaching her young pupils and pupas the subtle art of worshiping B-U-T-T (spelled out loud so the little ones don't hear us using profanity).
"Now, children, one must use finesse when choosing the right ripe, juicey peach to pummel with your eyes." She said, undressing her bottom. Her tushie was exposed and so was her rear.
Neville, a star pupil in this particular subject, was having trouble focusing today. He also couldn't find his tuning fork, which he HAD to have on him at all time or he would LOSE IT. But that wasn't the only thing distracting him. Neville had a common cold, OR SO HE THOUGHT. His tummy was sore and he had a nasty cough. Every time he coughed, His fanny felt funny. And NOT in a farting gas kind of way. It ALMOST felt as if his patronus was coming out?!/? It was really obvious to everyone else, they just felt bad for him. Everyone just saw a three-fingered herpes gopher erupting from the seat of his trousers over and over with was extremely loud and disruptive to the class honestly.
"NEVILLE BELLBOTTOM, what in blazes blaze 420 are you doing over there? Do you enjoy disrupting the class? I'll wait…." McGoggle did that teacher thing where they wait and it's not as powerful and cool as they think.
"Miss!" is all Neville could manage to grunt out as he struggled to keep his gopher patronus tucked inside his bowels, the natural habitat for patroni. Suddenly, with a gasp, a toot, a honk, and a POW, his ass blew. He blasted far and wide, a gorgeous stream of icky poo ick glazing the room as his patronus was set free! It ravaged his poor sphincter on the way out, and it soon became clear that he needed to be sent to the infirmary, STAT. That nurse lady was in there watching Jersey Shore season 37. She didn't notice Nev-ill come in on a stretcher but alone somehow. He pooped loud and up to try and get her attention, but all she did was nothing and keep watchin JS. Finally, Neeval's "The Clap" gopher shot out his ass and knocked that nurse straight out. That patron gopher straight up ate her body. So then the backup nurse came in and tended to navel's wounds, dressing his butthole but not using any useful magic. His gran couldn't afford that tuition package. Stupid gran. Fuck that lady. Jk luv u gran!
The next day, Dumb-bull-door held a group therapy session for anyone who felt personally wronged by Neville and his dumb fucking class-interrupting rump. Dumb bell also held a press conference in the gr3eat hall, where he told everyone about the incident. He was HOPING that it was a one-time occurance, and that this wouldn't turn into a school-wide epidemic…
Unluckily, with no darn luck at all, simply luckless, it turns out that one UNlucky student named Snickers Bar Calhoun had also developed Neville's symptoms. AND horse girl Naruto Benny Boy. Uh oh.
It was midnight when the boys got the snapchat.
Hagrid had sent each of them a selfie with the dog licking filter and a gif of a peanut saying "Wanna smoke cigarettes with me?" in glittery font. Hagrid simply wrote "UwU". Harry was unsure if Hagrid was asking them by way of peanut gif if he wanted to smoke ciggies, or if this was just a fun cool snapchat bc Hagrid was starved for attention. Or maybe…? No, no couldn't be.
Either way, Ron had a hard-on for sneaking out, so he urged Harry in a grossly desperate and Sort of soggy way (whey) to please please pleeeaase plz ples= please go to HagHut for the night. Ron had cigarette fever, and that can only be cured by smoking AT LEASt 14 cigarettes at midnight. Ron was also a really big Kpop fan now. It was cringe. Anyway, everyone including Hermin I think went to the Haggy Hut. When they arrived, they saw not six, but SEVEN film crews standing outside smoking. They were like HUH? But went inside instead. When they had arrived in the inside of hag butt I mean HUTT, and who did they see but the WHOLE cast of Jersey Shore?! But I won't get into that now because we have way too much going on already. Just keep in mind that the JS cast ISN"T witches or wizards but somehow….They had patronus' coming out all of their asses? Just a little bit though. There was blood and poop but what else is new with Jersey Shore amirite? Ok so the gang was there. They kind of just worked around the JS cast while they were filming an episode even though the seven film crews were outside. "YO AGGY BOI, PASS ME THOSE CIGS" Ron screamed at the very top of his damn little lungs. It was clear that he was just trying to impress Mike "The Situation", his celebrity crush. "Uhhhhhh, yeah. I was hoping you wouldn't come" Hagar said under his breath, scoffing a LOT. Ron did not hear at all and started chain smoking for his life. He got so cigarette drunk that he started performing his favorite BTS dance routine for the gang. Everyone was cringing with each sweaty, soggy and snoggy dance step, until they cringeed so hard that a little blue light popped out of Hagar, Harry and Herm's b-holes. "WHAT IN THE BLAZES WAS THAT?" Scrame-sighed Harry. No one else noticed, but they all felt a little silly in their assholes. "What was WHAT?" asked Hermie. "Hurry, everyone fart as hard as u can!" Ask-sighed Harry. After a lil countdown, they all farted big and their patronus animals shot out their assholes with blood and poop. WUH WOH.
"Wow! Bloody Hell, and also bloody B-holes!" Sprung Hermione, "I FINK whots happening is that our patronus' came out bc of some kind of...idk...VIRUS?"
"Wotcher, Harry!" sighed Harry, "You're kind of right, HErm, there WAS that thing that 'appened in ass-worshiping class earlier today! It must be some sort of virus that's spreading through the school!" Harry was a little hoarse from all that talking.
Ron chimed in, like a beautiful wind chime on the breeze, except he smelled like doritos and didn't sound good, he sounded fucking studly. "OMG you guys...what should we do about this...what should we call it...Patronavirus?" Ron was a little horse. No wait, that's Benjamin Uzumaki Franklin. We'll get back to that, hold yer Horses!
Ya boy, Hagrid, was also chiming, "Yes, children, yes. Perfect. Here, have some cigarettes, all around! Now, I called you all here to wrestle, because I have a desire deep deep deep DEEP in my loins to hurt you all, but also because I have wrestle fever(NOT a real fever, mind you) and wanna wear a mask and oil my body. Idk where this is going so I'm gonna stop talking now."
Hagrid sharted.
Everyone ignored him, and they all smoked in silence. Even the Jersey Shore people were silent which is just RIDICULOUS.
After at least 23 minutes had passed in utter and udder silence, Harry Had A Idea.
"Well, gang, It seems like we might need to sniff out where this Patronavirus is coming from, so that we can stop it. We all know DumbleBumble dating app isn't good for SHIT, since he hasn't even commented on all the students dying from rat turd cracker eating. So it's on us! Humph. And Hump." Harry sighed, deeply and blushing uncontrollably.
On command, everyone humped once, then left the building and went to sleep on the wet ground outside.
They had woke up v soggy and actually frozen to death, but then a centaur came ;) and used his magic potion ;) on the three dumb wizard folk. They were fine. No trace of a centaur though. Who knows if that was even real? Or a wet dream? Who cares. Harry was the first conscious one so he whipped out his…..journal and began to devise a pie graph and chart to plan out how to sniff out that Patron virus. He drew two circles, then gave up and had to take a six hour nap. When the other two idiot assholes came to, it was 9pm the next day. "ARRY" Hermione scrame. "GET THE FOK UP U WANKER" she kicked the shit out of her beloved and life long bosom? (who knows) friend, Harry Potter. HArry Potter did that gross older sister thing where hes all confused and his lips are big and he is wet with sleep and his eyes can't open all the way all confused like. "Whaaa" he sighed. "Where am I? Dobby?" Hermione and ron threw up (symptom of the Patrona virus) all over him, then he dun waked up.
The boys and also Hermet Hermit Crab Her moi Hermione! Also came with. They walked into the great hall all hunched over and wearing trench coat-cloaks and looking at the ground with a cartoon magnifying glass, stealth mode also, for big sleuthing vibes. They were gonna catch that virus and stop it in it's tracks! Believe it!
So they wandered on down and bounded on over like a sheep dog into the small hall, which is the most obvious place to start looking. In the hallway, they got startled by a ghosty.
IT was nearly Headless nick!
"Nearly Penis Headless Nick!" Shouted Hermione, but like a skyrim dragonborn shout that shook the hallway and made everyone get migraines. "Have you seen someone suspicious walking around here? About yay tall, wearing slacks, looks like a virus?" Herm pulled out an artists' rendering of the culprit, which looked like a microscopic view of a virus but wearing slacks.
Also everyone was still covered in vomit.
Nearly Penis Headless Nick was all a-flutter with excitement. He loved teenagers. They gave his life meaning.
"Fuck off, you stinky vomit-covered pigeon-sniffers!" He cried, with tears. Despite his love for them, he enjoyed being a dick to teens and pre-teens. It was a defense mechanism. I think we all enjoy that. Being dicks. To teens. Nick had an MCR tattoo. Jsyk.
That's pretty slick.
"But actually yeah, I saw that guy around here. I think he's from the kitchen. I'm pretty sure Dobby like, created him or something Motherly like that. Dobby dun ate a rat.
Suddenly, they heard a really loud white noise sound and a guy saying "BRO I just got chills!".
Nearly Headless Dick scrambled, hard. "Oh I've got to go, Zak Bagans is coming to hunt me oooooooooohhhhhhhwheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ouchi wawa!"
"If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim."
-Margaret Thatcher