Chapter 7.5, The Lost Chapter

We lost it and then recovered it, beat that, nutstruggs.

Zak Bagans was a portly lad. When he was a lad. Aladdin.

But now he's grown, and he's the boss of his own company. Ghost Adventures.

He had tall, dark hair, Tee Shirts with Rhinestone crosses and cows, his eyes were sunglasses, and he was featured on the biggest loser which is how he got to be so lean and mean. And also by eating only subway.

He was invited to Hogearst by Dumblr, who if you remember correctly, knew him from his days as a zumba instructor. Zak Bagans took Albus up on this booty call because when they had a fling 5 years ago, Alby was a hot young rod (like Rod Stewart) BUT WHAT ZAK DIDN'T KNOW is that D.D. has a rare disease where he ages really rapidly and now he's a old man with a dwindled peener.

He was ghost hunting. He passes Ron, Herm, Herm, and Hair, and he akss "do ye know where yon Ghost has floated off to?"

Ron and Harey noted with acute chagrin that as Zakky Boy passed them, the cameras were just floatin by, not with anyone not even one measly person to hold them up. But he kept saying "BRO!" to SOMEONE so logically they were ghosts and he didn't know it. To clarify, Zak Bangans was raised as an orphan by ghosts and so now he has no idea that he was adopted by ghosts and not by normal human parents in a normal human way. Therefore, when he sees a ghost, he's like "ah that's just a human." So basically his whole life's career is a fraud, but no one has the heart to tell him.

Be gentle with people in these times.

"No, we don't know where the ghost went." Covered Ron, covering Nearly Headless Nick.

Harry sighed with chagrin, and also whimsey.

"OY BLUMEY! LOOKAH THAT! ISSA TRAIL OF ECTOPLASM! LES FOLLOW EM HURRY " Zak squealed, using a fake cock-knee accent to fit in.

He also had knock-knees and big Doc Martens on.

Honestly, imho, he kinda looked hot.

That whole scene sniffs like poork!

The flooring of the small hallway was slightly askew because of Hogwarts's ancient-ass contruction, and Zak knew all these secrets because he went to architecture school (SCAD) SO he just sat right down on his bumbum and slid on the ectoplasm all the way (13 miles) to the great hall, at warp speed and also in ecstasy (took him .06 seconds) (secs)

What he didn't know was, there was a ramp for sk8boarding class at the enteance of the great hall, and instead of projectiling into the great hall, he dead ass projectiled into the beautiful stained glass window that took hundreds of years to make just to the left of the great hall, and died on impact. I think Jesus might have even have worked on the thing!

So the children watched this happen and it left them with a lot of trauma. HellllOooooo therapy. But they knew, that they had to soldier on for the good of their nation. Army strong ;)

So they followed the ecto-trail all the way into the great hall, but once they caught up to it, they realized that it was just a cool snail leaving the trail instead!

"Oh hello there! Putt Putt! Name's Daniel Radcliffe, pleased to make your aqcauintentve. Putt Putt!"

Harry and Ron were star struck. They'd seen Daniel Radcliffe in movies before, but never in person, and they had NO idea he was FULL snail! They thought he was merely a dirty sick lowly half-snail. WR0NG!

"PUTT Putt! I'm "running" for student body president, can I count on your vote Putt Putt?" He made quotes around running bc it was a snail pun

He also had a scar and glasses but that was just a coincident. He had a voice like a paper bag, and wore a courduroy snail suit from Zara Men.

Upon further inspection into Zak Bagans death, the authorities would come to find out that the ramp had been also Daniel Radcliffe the snail. The sk8boarding class was just a cover.

"Yeah" yelped the boys in quick thinking. They didn't care for politics they just wanted this wet snail to leave.

So then they went into the great hall, where lots of filming was happening. The boys lapped up some spilled milk they saw on the stairs before confronting a wildly yelling British man (but that's normal so idk why I said British) who was blonde and red faced and bulldog-like.

"Excuse me, sir. We'd like to know exactly what's going on here." -sighed Harry, like a mean girl, from Mean Girls. Harry produced a badge bc he's a cop.

BUT before Gordon Ramsey could answer him, Harry lost consciousness with massive chagrin, and here's why:

Across the room, Dobby was staring pens at Harry. He was wearing a dominatrix version of his usual sack dress, all latex-y and tight. In Bobby's right hand was a different pair of forceps holding a ball-gag and bridle and leash, and in his right hand he was ironing his sack. Which was dirty and that's why he was wearing his backup sack, which could be mistarken for BDSM. IT'S NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.

When Harry came to, he was still looking at Dobby doing the same thing, but had been out for 3 hours? Uhhuhuhhh.? ﾟﾏﾼ ️

Dobby snapped sharply at Harry and whistled shrill and barked a command.

"SIT, BOY!"

Harry did as told. Then he ran over on all fours through a lot of puddles of piss and cum to Dobby, and graciously licked Dobby's feet while Dobby grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and picked him up, inhumanely. Harry whimpered with puppy puppy wuppy-like chagrin, but didn't forget to sigh first.

Just as Dobby began to put the leash, bridle, and ball gag on Harry, the camera crews burst in, and the whole nation saw what Dobby was doing. It was heavy stuff. Not for those with the faint of fart.

"AW MUCK! THIS IS BONKEY FUCK! DOBBY I NEED YOH TO SERVE ME YOUR MOST POPULAR DISHES STAT!"

Gordon Ramsey had at least 7 STDs. He got around ;) but he probably got them from the food. And here's why:

Dobby brought out his most popular dishes. As we already know, the best seller at this restaurant, Olive Garden, was the triscuita appetizer.

Dobby slammed the tray of food down so hard, that all of Gordon Ramseys hair fell out and he had to buy rogaine at the Great Hall 7-11.

The food looked like it was a dirty, dust flavored triscuit, covered in a light film of booger, and topped with what could only be described as rat droppings. On top of that was a yummy fig tapenade. Mmm, delicious!

He also brought out a clam chowder that used bits of glass as the clams and also those expired ears that we saw earlier as more clams. It smelled of horse shit!

Gordon gagged with immense chagrin.

The next item thay Dobby Brought out is gonna blow your mind, I hope. 1 out of 3 doctors reccomend starting your day with this meal to completely empty your bowels every morning.

It was freshly cracked Gryffin eggs floating in some burnt coffee, raw and organic, mind you. Inside of each egg, there was a secret, much like an easter egg in a video game or movie or Easter. The secret was that they weren't really Gryffin eggs, they were Dobby"s own eggs bc that's how just Dobby reproduces. Not other house elves though. He's a special case.

A house elf in the background shrugged.

As Harry watched Dobby slam food, and puss, his scar burned tightly and with chagrin.

"Why does my scar burn every time I'm close to Donny the House Elf and my boyfriend?" Harry wondered in a sighing manner.

The filming of this episode was really hard bc it was also happening during a riverdance recital by the riverdance club of Hogwarts. It made it really hard to concentrate and also was so loud that they had to yell on the show. It also made me hard.

Meanwhile, while all this shit was goin down, a certain Scrooge McDuck was holed up in the bathroom. He was playing Texas Hold'em on his smartphone, which was banned at Hogwarts, sharding his cloaca out. So needless to say, he's been in there all day and it smells like duck shit. He was in the Professors-only duck bathroom which was just a pond with some scum. There was a whole civil rights movement that we forgot to mention where Scrooge McDuck fought for his right to have his own bathroom. Duck deserve dignity.

Gordon Ramsey, after sampling the glass shard clam chowder, had to make like a cool jazz quartet and boogey on over to the toilet, to then, in-turn, make love to the tawlet. He got all turned around with fearful diarrheal chagrin, and his synesthesia kicked in right then and there. When he saw the sign to the tawlet that said "tawlet" he had a strange taste in his mouth, such as, roast duck meat. Like the one he had catered at his wedding.

He hurried into that tawlet, only to find that it was a pond!1!

With none other than Scrooge Cassius McSuck shidding and farding into the pond water! He could tell cause there was bubbles. With Texas Hold'em at his side and wearing water wings on top of his bird's wings (he never learned to swim.)

Scrooge McDuck shreik-quacked and the world shook. He hurriedly covered his breast. (He ALWAYS took off his blazer and spats for shidding).

"Chimpanzees, gorillas, orangutans have been living for hundreds of thousands of years in their forest, living fantastic lives, never overpopulating, never destroying the forest. I would say that they have been in a way more successful than us as far as being in harmony with the environment."

-Jane Goodall