Ron was in the wolf den looking at werewolf porn when he heard all sound kinda like a uhhhhhhh spidery in nature. There was no lighting whatsoever and he was in total darkness, aka total absence of light. Except for the ligh from the porn screen. A big statuesque wolf with a red red member was glowing and illuminating the room, but in a total and complete darkness kind of way. Suddenly, with mild annoyance and a good deal of chagrin, Ron felt a gunnysack go over his head and muscly neck and torso a bit. The gunnysack was rough, like a man's 5 o-clock shadow, sexual and hurts and give you rash. He got rash from it. The sack was full of diamonds, rough jewels, rubies, sapphires, moonstones, thundereggs, tiger's eye, jade, labradorite, citrine, flourite, geodes, fools\ gold, quartz crystals, amethyst, malachite, sunstones and sandstones and moonstones again, trilobite fossils, megalodon fossils, tibetan singing bowls, a coffee table made of a geode (;but it was fake), jet, sodalite, Joan Jett, lesbians, and a lot of shards of broken glass. Ron got fucking cut up so bad as he jostled around in side that thang. He heard a scuffle, the scuffle of fourteen small feet and something kind of heavy dragging along…?

He was dragged for miles upon miles for a fortnight, which lasted at least a few hours or maybe a fortnight. Inside the burlap sack, there was a smaller sack in which more broken glass and some loose peppercorns resided. This wasn't very interesting. It was simply an observation Ron made. He formed a hypothesis based on the theory that IF the peppercorns existed, they would only exist when light was shining upon them. His degree in atomic science made him remember Jimmy Neutron. RIP.

When he had been dragged around so badly that his skin was just shredded cenobite type skin with cinnabon glaze in the other dimension, he stopped being dragged. He started doing drag that day. That's all I have to say on that. Anyway, when he was done being dragged, his captors finally dumped him out the bag (gunnysack) and into a scorpion box. Now, you may be wondering, what is a scorpion box? Well, it's a box, large enough to fit a small man, and stuffed to the brim with a lot of immortal scorpions who enjoy it and this is consensual for them. They actually ask if they can do it sometimes. The scorpion box at least had a viewing window, so Ron was finally able to see his captors. But from this angle, he could only make out their lower halves. And what he saw shocked him to death (he carries around a defibrillator, and an epi-pen, an aerosol can, an inhaler, a lighter, crack, a tourniquet, a second epi-pen just for his peanut allergy, and one he could bring himself back, resuscitation.) What he saw can only be described as:

Seven figures, from the waist down. They were all wearing lumpy slacks with various stages of easter egg dye stains all over the fly region. Coming out of one of the pant legs on most of the figures was a massive, 14-inch diameter soft wang sticking out. The flaccid ding dongs were dressed up in socks. The socks were old and used and had grey heel and toe areas. These biggie wieners looked very heavy, and dragged along the floor when the figures moved around. It looked painful, and like they may get chapped easily, hence the sock covering.

At this point, Ron noticed that there was a sun roof in the scorpion box and that he could actually see their entire bodies. What he shocked him:

It was 7 heavy-weinered dwarves. That's right. Looking around the room (which was an underground cellar or possibly just a hole deep deep in the earth's crust) he saw that he thought they looked like they might be named Big Dickey, Quadraplegey, Whiffey, Marm, Justin, Porridge, Dustin Hoffman-y, Quaint, Quirky, Whiplashy, Anal Rosebuddy, I'll Give You Brainy, Diatomaceous Earth-y, Fossil Fuel-y, Wainscotting, Micro-softy, Bready, Tech Supporty, Glutinous, Horn-of-Plenty, Cornucopey, Okapi, Breast-y, Pacey, Toothy Smile, Lil Smokey, Cigar-Afficianado-y, Trillionaire-y, Parasitey, Tapewormy (brothers), Paul Blarty, Halo Reachy, iCouchy, Blousey, Elevator Schematic-y, Doctor-y, Ducking Horny, Henry, O'Reilly Autoparts, Y, Used Paddy, Lump, Limpy, Butt-Cutt-y, Silly Putty, Weiner-Washy, Slutty, Hand Sanitizery, Tidy, Tighty, Tight-E, Tightened, Titan, Cambodia, Had Lice Two Timesy, Principal Spencery, Bushy, Thrush-Filled, Kind-y, Malpracticey, Farmer in the Dell Computer-y, Disentary, Dirty, Duwayne, Waterworld-y, SixFlagsy, Roller Backpacky, Fupey, Slow, Nutty, Boogery, Phlegmy, Gerdy, Mister Gordy, Cheesy, Gordita-y, Crunchy (triplets), Cool & The Gang, Salt n' Peppa-y, Pubey, Snacker, Mrs. Norris the Cat, Alarmist-y, Leftist Doctrine of Beleifs-y, Plaid, Lip-Filler, Loiterer, Scooter, Skid-Rowy, Goofy from Toy Story, Chicky Pea-y, P.E., Stroke Droopy, Spider, Slider, BedSore-y, Canadian Sorry, Sorry, He Drank Drain-o-y, Suicidey, Nauseous, Basket, Pee-y, Pea-y, Piss, Poop (the Cat), Wireless Cell Carrier-y, Ryan Reynolds-y, Shoeby, Scooty Your Butty on the Carpety, Stands With His Beardy, Recliney, Bwut, WeeWillyWinky, Buckety, Buckwheat Noodly, Steely Dan, Recovery Email, IP Address, ICUP, PEN15, Mr. Pen Island, Blue Waffey, Tromboner, Orchestra-y, Harpey, Banshee, Slumber Party, Twist, Twisted Tea-y, Sims 3-y, Smelly Assy, Eucharisty, Book of Enochy, Christ is Trendy, Glassesy, Tooie, Divorcey, Widower, Child Out Of Wedlock-y, Loch Lomandy, Uh Oh I Got Comfy In This Positiony, Custody, Custody, Custardy, Toothy, Bloody, Me Likey, Your Move-y, The Ball is in Your Court-y, Ear Infection-y, Sleepy, Doped Up on Morphine-y, Too Sleepy to Drive-y, DUI-y, Used to be First Chairy, Blanchard Williams Stole the First Chair So Now I'm Just Bitter-y, Blatant Disregardy, Bad at Felting-y, Watches too much Bear in the Big Blue Housey, MickleMouse, I Only Drink Bud Lighty, A Round on Me-y, A Round of Appluasy, A Hush Fell Over the Crowdy, Hush Puppy, $5 Hot and Ready, Missing, Wanted, Full of Gas-Pains, Poopy in my Intestiney, Hanging From the Ceiling by Chains and Hooksy, Words Will Never Hurt Me, Taking Flight British Style-y, Always Throws Rocks During Rice Paper Scissorsy, You Wanna Scissors-y? Big Booby, The Police, Poultry, ACAB, Fuzzy, Elmo Was There at the End, Tickle Me Elmo Crazy.

That was what he thought their names might be. The head dwarf came into view and stepped up to the plate and took center stage to introduce himself.

"Hi, I'm Missing, the Dwarf. These are my six friends: Big Dickey, Quadraplegey, Whiffey, Marm, Justin, Porridge, Dustin Hoffman-y, Quaint, Quirky, Whiplashy, Anal Rosebuddy, I'll Give You Brainy, Diatomaceous Earth-y, Fossil Fuel-y, Wainscotting, Micro-softy, Bready, Tech Supporty, Glutinous, Horn-of-Plenty, Cornucopey, Okapi, Breast-y, Pacey, Toothy Smile, Lil Smokey, Cigar-Afficianado-y, Trillionaire-y, Parasitey, Tapewormy (brothers), Paul Blarty, Halo Reachy, iCouchy, Blousey, Elevator Schematic-y, Doctor-y, Ducking Horny, Henry, O'Reilly Autoparts, Y, Used Paddy, Lump, Limpy, Butt-Cutt-y, Silly Putty, Weiner-Washy, Slutty, Hand Sanitizery, Tidy, Tighty, Tight-E, Tightened, Titan, Cambodia, Had Lice Two Timesy, Principal Spencery, Bushy, Thrush-Filled, Kind-y, Malpracticey, Farmer in the Dell Computer-y, Disentary, Dirty, Duwayne, Waterworld-y, SixFlagsy, Roller Backpacky, Fupey, Slow, Nutty, Boogery, Phlegmy, Gerdy, Mister Gordy, Cheesy, Gordita-y, Crunchy (triplets), Cool & The Gang, Salt n' Peppa-y, Pubey, Snacker, Mrs. Norris the Cat, Alarmist-y, Leftist Doctrine of Beleifs-y, Plaid, Lip-Filler, Loiterer, Scooter, Skid-Rowy, Goofy from Toy Story, Chicky Pea-y, P.E., Stroke Droopy, Spider, Slider, BedSore-y, Canadian Sorry, Sorry, He Drank Drain-o-y, Suicidey, Nauseous, Basket, Pee-y, Pea-y, Piss, Poop (the Cat), Wireless Cell Carrier-y, Ryan Reynolds-y, Shoeby, Scooty Your Butty on the Carpety, Stands With His Beardy, Recliney, Bwut, WeeWillyWinky, Buckety, Buckwheat Noodly, Steely Dan, Recovery Email, IP Address, ICUP, PEN15, Mr. Pen Island, Blue Waffey, Tromboner, Orchestra-y, Harpey, Banshee, Slumber Party, Twist, Twisted Tea-y, Sims 3-y, Smelly Assy, Eucharisty, Book of Enochy, Christ is Trendy, Glassesy, Tooie, Divorcey, Widower, Child Out Of Wedlock-y, Loch Lomandy, Uh Oh I Got Comfy In This Positiony, Custody, Custody, Custardy, Toothy, Bloody, Me Likey, Your Move-y, The Ball is in Your Court-y, Ear Infection-y, Sleepy, Doped Up on Morphine-y, Too Sleepy to Drive-y, DUI-y, Used to be First Chairy, Blanchard Williams Stole the First Chair So Now I'm Just Bitter-y, Blatant Disregardy, Bad at Felting-y, Watches too much Bear in the Big Blue Housey, MickleMouse, I Only Drink Bud Lighty, A Round on Me-y, A Round of Appluasy, A Hush Fell Over the Crowdy, Hush Puppy, $5 Hot and Ready, Wanted, Full of Gas-Pains, Poopy in my Intestiney, Hanging From the Ceiling by Chains and Hooksy, Words Will Never Hurt Me, Taking Flight British Style-y, Always Throws Rocks During Rice Paper Scissorsy, You Wanna Scissors-y? Big Booby, The Police, Poultry, ACAB, Fuzzy, Elmo Was There at the End, Tickle Me Elmo Crazy."

He introduced all six of his friends quickly and it only took a minute. Each one bowed on command and gave ron an offering. It had to sit on top of the scorpion box where he can't reach it though, just look at it. The seven offerings were: a big portion of tri-tip steak from a local wedding that was days ago by now, 17 geese a-laying, a marble from Mancala so now that game is missing one (they'll have to use a penny or something), Jesus Christ of Nazareth's toenail clipping, a cratch-off ticket, Chip & Joanna Gaines, and a squirt of febreeze in the palm of the hand.

Ron was grateful and immediately felt like brothers with this lot. He forgot about his family back home in the wizarding world and also about his werewolf family and almost forgot he was in a scorpion box..

Missing explained some stuff, "So this is the last part of becoming a werewoof. It's pretty cool, and doctors are baffled by it. So."

Missing started again, "See now the thing the thing is. See the thing is see = That. The thing = is. SO. I will explain." He said to Ron, "You are currently inside a scorpinion box and it's filled with scorpions and a whole damn lot of our opinions of you. Never mind those though, you are so fucking gross though wow. Honestly, it's just called a scorpion box though. WE HAVE definielty earlier all took turns taking a dank ass fart inside the box youre in, while you were laying in it. You didnt see. And some of them went right straight up back up your butt and I'm not sorry about it. SO, currently there are dad and dwarf deadly toots inside BOTH the box AND your preciously hot body (that's my opinion of you.) These scorpions we've placed in there, they will actually help you out of the box. All you have to do is sit there and bear witness to their immensly intense hott posionous three times the body you have bodies and their stings. And not feel a SHRED of shame. They will definitely be stinging you. Anf then, after all the scorpions feel witnessed and appreciated the box will release you." So.

Ron took a MASSIVE breath of the life-giving toot gas and accepted his fate. He wallowed in it until he passed out, but was still conscious.

Mean Whilde:...hu…..rarry… um hogwarts is where the other stuff is happening. Ok got it. Maybe harry wnt home. No, oh this just in: Harry is standing all foolish like at his Steve Jobs lookin ass ted talkx horsey frisk meeting in the big stadium down in horgsbleeds. This stadium was huge man, i mean MASSIVE super massive black holes have been smaller. Everyone came 2 watch this but lookey here in the end harry burned his best mate. And what did he do? He stood on that stage with his head held pie (lol) high. Wrong. He hung his head low because he just killed his the damn best friend with none other than an ordianry lidder bocks, ™, the light behind his eyes was lost to the winds of time and the sabat mater by vivaldi was there in the back. "Oh driipe." Scrame harry, ohhhh, loud as all hell. "Ive lost my bloody boist moite because all i wanted was money and power. Ladies and gentl moin, I got go save me roln mate and lover from the darkness that ive become. The monsters that ive been. Three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy cuz there aint no way that im sorry for what i did." And then he went ahead and launched himself into the litter box using a rubber band he always wears around his wrist, for snapping back to reality when hes in a dissociative state. That tends to happen when hes under immense stress due to finals and school-wide STIs killing off students left and right. So he did the rubber band thing and poof he was gone. Straight into the ether. He did one of those whacky acid trip things that you see in comedy movies where he stretched and got all weird and was like"mommy?" and "I dooooon'ttt feel sooooo goooood." and there were bright colors and some groovy music and there was like an elk god in the cosmos with pizza. It was all very quirkle the family favorite game and dude where's my car-y.

He spat swaddled aspirated but not in the wizard way, in the choking on your own spit way, into a whole new world. It was pretty Twilght-like. With bluey. Bluey was there as a small figurine toy in a tide pool. The tide was high, and so was Harry. He was SO HIGH. Hugely. He found a piece of roller derby style sea glass that was sea glass and nothing more. It was not mystical. He found a treasure map, but it was broken and kept skipping one part. He slid it into his pants just in case he will need it for later. Actually, he took it out now and used it. So what it said was, to go over. He went, pee in the raw ocean water material, and then he went over behind his favorite rock and went bam-bam, and then he went and then accidentally fell and sat in his own bam-bam. And then he got out of it and bent over it and sniffed it. He sniffed his bam-bam. And then he turned around and turned a 360 cool slip move and then bent over and smelled his own bam-bam again. Bam-bam smelled like pee on poop. Curious. How come? He wondered. So he did a ollie over the bam-bam and collected a bunch of research. And then he listened to, created, and curated and catered a brand new podcast about the origins of bam-bam (his butt.) And then he went over to the sign that's near the bam-bam and plugged in his headphones and listened to the audio museum tour trail audio self-guided tour and noted the history of his bam-bam. He noted that the settlers came from all over, they took advantage of bam-bam. And his bam-bam felt sad. He looked back over his shoulder at his bam-bam on the ground. He flashed a little smile at it. The bam-bam sat. He did not bury it, and he couldn't bear it. There was also a guy named Barrett close nearby that watched this encounter very closely.

Harry noticed that in his bam-bam, something curious was there. He looked closer and saw that none of the aspirins that he took earlier had dissolved, they were all whole, little white pills all good and round and solid, not dissolved. "So that's why my tummy still hurts." he thought. Fifsty small white rounded round type roundhouse round pills standing on end inside of his bam-bam, standing on end, of course. He took them over to the ocean spray and small water area, with tidal pool attachment, and washed them of their bam-bam coating. They dissolved on impact. They dissolved in the ocean, why not in his bam-bam? What's the deal with that? What do you think that is? What do you think should happen next?

Fanny Dooley liked poop but not bam-bam (she's dead.)

Harry decided in that moment not to ever cover his bam-bam again. He decided this because of what the lidder bocks did to his friend, in solidarity he did NOT. He diod NOT ever cover that bam-bam or others like it. He took a stand that day. He also stood in his bam-bam, as a political statement. It said "Hey. I stand for what's important. And bam-bam is it." That was on his campaign posters and many people voted for him for police commissioner that year.

"I just lost my best friend, I have been crying hysterical for a full day." -Bam Margera