Tap, a chicago pd fanfic

Happy BeMeanToJayDay!

The pretend injuries described in this A/N to warn you about the kind of graphic injuries in the story, might be a bit graphic - The story injuries are not, 'oh look, guts' graphic, more like, 'is that a bone' graphic.

XXXXXXX

It's loud. The pounding in his head and ringing in his ears. It's giving him a headache or maybe it is the headache. He blinks his eyes open but he sees nothing but dust swirling in pinpricks of light.

He doesn't…he doesn't remember what happened…just…he taps his left index finger on the ground, taps again and tells himself he's in Chicago…he's a cop now…he's in Chicago…not the valley of death…

His left side…his left side…is fine. His right side…oh god oh god it hurts. Shallow breaths, breathe through the agony…but even the minute in and out brings heightened pain. He knows he needs to breathe so he keeps doing it. His jaw is clenched and he wants to scream but knows it will hurt…breathe…tap tap…Hailey…

With every breath he can feel the ends of his broken ribs scratch against each other, sending bursts of pain into the cloud of misery where he already lives. The agony of the broken bones in his forearm and shoulder are part of the cloud, but it isn't the pain of it all that makes him want to vomit, it's the 'click' every time the bones in his shoulder, in his forearm, rub against each other.

His breath hitches and again he hears, feels, the 'click click' like the clicking of a ballpoint pen.

He feels the grit of the floor against his finger tap…tap…tap…home…

He's not sure if he can actually hear it, the 'click,' it might be his imagination, he can't hear anything but the ringing and the pounding but it doesn't matter, he hears it because he feels it and he knows…he knows if he ever gets out of this, he'll be using different pens. Pens with caps. Pencils. Soundless writing utensils.

tap…tap…tap…

Tears roll down his face when he takes too big of a breath and the pain overwhelms him. The tears are probably his saving grace. He concentrates on them. They feel weird carving their way through the dust on his bloody face. He can't keep them in. They're the distraction he needs.

He hopes tears are enough, that his body will settle for pain induced silent water works and not need to express his agony through sobs - he thinks the movement will cause a chain reaction of even more movement and that might kill him. Not a mellow dramatic pain induced thought he realizes. To move at all, to breathe too deep again, to sob, he doesn't know where his ribs will shift, the one in his back, where it will end up; his lung, his heart? Or will they just keep tearing into his muscles, snagging them like a sweater.

Does anyone know where he is and if they do know, they more than likely think he's dead. Where…

Concentrating on the tears he has a thought, someone is dead…tap…tap…he's in…he's in Chicago…Adam…

He scrunches his eyes shut against the thought of his failure and tries to ride through a wave of pain, physical and emotional. A groan escapes through the minute gaps in his teeth and a sob immediately follows, causing him to suck in dust and cough, shifting his body against the sharp rubble behind him.

He grits his teeth but can't contain the scream as pain blossoms from his shoulder to his chest and down his arm until he mercifully passes out, not realizing that what he thought would kill him, probably just saved his life.

XXXXXXX

1 hour 47 minutes earlier

"He's running around the back!"

"Copy!"

"Jay, Adam's coming to you."

Jay got to the door and Adam arrived a moment later.

"You ready?"

"Go!"

Adam ripped the door off the ancient hinges leaving it hanging to the side as Jay stepped in first, Adam following guns drawn.

They had gotten about six feet into the warehouse, Jay clearing a row of abandoned cinderblocks and bales of rebar, Adam about 3/4 through his row, when the runner stepped out from two rows up in front of Jay.

"Stop! Chicago PD! Drop the gun and put your hands up."

The perp immediately dropped his gun and as his hands went up Jay realized this wasn't going to be as easy as it looked. The wires coming out of the man's sleeve and into his hand told Jay everything he needed to know. He turned and ran just as Adam came out from his row, confusion painting his brow.

Putting a football block on Adam, Jay knocked him three feet out the door as the asshole clacked off his s-vest and he found himself flying through the air.

The explosion helped Adam's trajectory out the door but Jay wasn't as lucky. The blast sent him into the wall to the right of the door. His flight probably took a nanosecond but he felt his injuries from the impact in slow motion.

He got his right arm up to partially protect his head but felt the bones in his forearm break in doing so, felt the edges of both pierce his skin, felt one of the edges scratch his forehead when it poked further through the muscle and skin of his arm. He felt the break in his upper arm, his shoulder shatter, his ribs…he felt his ribs, how many, collapse and knew that if he wasn't wearing a vest this would be the moment he died.

On the ricochet he ended up on the sharp rubble of broken cinderblocks, one of his ribs in particular protesting the landing, his head lucky or unlucky enough to find a flat surface instead of jagged to bounce then rest.

The slow motion paused there and the pain of his injuries flooded in at speed and that's when life turned up its cruelty, because again the world spun in slow motion, forcing him to ride on the slow twisting barbs of his injuries until every part of his body was shredded with pain, and only then was he released from it into oblivion.

"ADAM!"

Kim had seen Adam fly out the door, pelted by the debris that flew with him, and saw the moment something hit him in the head and knocked him out. When he hit the ground he was unconscious, flopping and rolling like he had no bones until he ultimately ended on his stomach.

She knew the fire department was on the way, she could hear the sirens in the distance and with them would be an ambulance, but skidding to her knees next to Adam, she screamed into her radio, "…Call a bus!" anyway because it was the only action she could take at the moment and she needed to do something.

Don't be dead don't be dead don't be dead, she chanted under her breath and with a shaking hand felt for a pulse. She sat back on her heels and breathed a sigh of relief and quickly scanned his body for injuries beside the knock to his head.

"Adam! Adam!"

When yelling didn't wake him, she bent and whispered his name in his ear, then scanned the area for Jay.

Seeing no Jay, but the door, the opening Adam had just flown out of gone, buried under the roof and walls of the collapsed building, her heart leapt into her throat then started racing when she realized that Jay hadn't made it out…and if he'd been right behind Adam…

Her mind was spinning, she needed to make sure Adam was okay, but she needed to know where Jay was, time was of the essence, "Adam…hey…you with me?"

"Mmm…shit…mmm."

He tried to roll over but Kim put a hand on his shoulder, "Go slow you're hurt."

"'mm fine."

Rolling to his back, he lay still for a moment and she was able to get a better look at his bloody face. A good bit of the left side was scraped up as well as big patches of his arms. She lifted his dirty, ripped up t-shirt finding more scrapes on his side and back that weren't protected by his vest.

She put a hand on the side of his cheek and tried to bring him a little closer to the surface,"Adam…"

'Mm…"

He rolled to his side then his back, scrunched his eyes closed and repeated the movement. Figuring out what he was trying to do, she helped him sit up, maybe it would help him get his wits about him. She didn't know what to do, she was worried about Adam, she was scared for Jay.

"Fffuck."

He put his elbows on his bent knees and held his head.

"Adam where's Jay?" she knew the answer but asked the question anyway, hoping for a miracle, "…was he in there?"

Adam jerked his head up, one hand going to the ground as dizziness rode in with his panic, the other kept his head on his body, and searched the area then looked to the door, "Jay…JAY!"

Putting both hands on the ground, he scrambled to get up but fell back on his ass then crumbled to his side. "Goddamn it…"

Adam tried to get back up again but failed. This time he stayed down and rolled onto his back.

Kevin sprinted around the corner and skidded to a stop next to his best friend, "Stay down man, helps coming. Less than two."

Voight and Hailey were the last to arrive, his truck skidding to a halt. He had barely put it in park before she was scrambling out of it.

"JAY!? Where's Jay?"

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED…where's Halstead?"

Adam tipped his head to the side, tears rolling down his cheek, "Boss…He's inside… Hailey…I'm sorry…he…pushed me out…" and his breath hitched, "…he's still in there" he put his hands to his head like he was trying to hold it together and his chest heaved in a sob, mumbling to himself, 'he's still in there.'

Adam hadn't even gotten it all out when Hailey was sprinting toward the building, "JAY! JAY!" only to be stopped by the strong arms of Kevin. "You can't go in there, Hail…help's coming. They'll get him."

She sagged in his arms and he crouched behind her as she went to her knees and together they, as well as the other members of the team looked at the destroyed building, minds and hearts synchronized in the same pain, there was no way Jay could have survived.

"Voight!"

Boden approached the members of Intelligence while the rest of his men surveyed the building.

The sergeant charged over, "I gotta guy in there, Halstead."

He immediately got on the radio to Severide, "Halstead's inside, status unknown…"

"Copy"

"Do you know what part of the building?"

Adam blinked his eyes and ignored Sylvie while she checked him out, then spoke toward the set of Chief Boden's and the twin Voight's, but the double vision had him leaning over and puking.

When he was done, he closed his eyes and spoke as loud as his concussed head would let him, "Right here…he pushed me out the door. He's gotta be right by it…"

Based on Adam's information and were he'd ended up when Jay had pushed him, they were almost certain Jay was to the left of the door, their left, so that was where they concentrated. They'd been shoring up the area around the door with external anchors, but without knowing where Jay was, there wasn't much they could do.

There hadn't been much of a fire, very little in fact. It was out before they got there. There was really nothing to burn. The warehouse stored bulk building materials, bales of rebar, stacks of steel girders and pallets upon pallets of cinder blocks, bricks, paving stones and the like.

Searching for him by a heat signature was out. Even though there wasn't a fire, everything stored in the warehouse were materials that would retain heat even without an explosion and Jay was lying amongst them. They had to depend on a snake cam.

Every two to three feet they'd poke the camera in, alternating high and low to see if they could find him, but dust still floated and smoke, what little there was of it, still wafted. The small areas where they were able to get the camera were just that, small areas, showing nothing more than two or three feet, sometimes less in each direction. It was slow going, it had to be. The place was a mess and unstable.

When they found him, it was finally a matter of being in the right place at the right time. Cruz was untangling the snake cam's line and heard a muted scream somewhere through the rubble directly in front of him…a place they had already looked.

"HALSTEAD! I GOT HIM! Here! Right here!" he turned his face to the destroyed building and yelled to his friend, "…Hold on Jay! We're coming. Hold on man. We're coming!"

They hadn't heard anything from Jay since he screamed twenty minutes ago and no matter how many times they poked that damn snake cam through the rubble they weren't able to find him.

"Dammit…pull it back." And one more time the camera slowly made its way back out to be poked through another location.

Ten yards back from the collapsed building, the whole of Intelligence, even Adam who refused to leave until they found Jay, hovered as Severide and Boden watched the monitor receiving everything the camera was catching.

With every moment that passed they all became more and more anxious. They had been relieved when they found Jay's location, but then imaginations started to run rampant at what that scream meant and even though they all might have come up with different scenarios, they all had the same ending, that Jay had died.

Hailey had gone from bouncing on her feet, to pacing, to stock still. She didn't even look like she was breathing, and she might not've been until Kevin pulled her into a side hug, told her to 'breathe' and she did.

She pulled in a big breath then another and another until they became the tripping breaths that would eventually become a panic attack if they didn't get to Jay soon. Kevin held tight, encouraging her to slow down her breathing and even if it only partially worked, it probably pushed back the impending panic attack buying them more time.

"GOT HIM! Right there stop…forward just a little!"

Herrmann pushed the cord back in slowly.

"Okay there. Hold…We got him. We got him."

Severide continued to look at the screen without giving them anything else, eventually letting them know why there wasn't more information forthcoming, "It's hard to see. Give it a second. The cord shook a little dust loose."

She couldn't wait any longer, "Is he…" tears came to her eyes. She was afraid to ask. She was afraid to look over his shoulder. "…Is he alive?"

Kelly was still scanning Jay's body. His dust covered black vest, jeans and maroon t-shirt camouflaged his friend against the destruction he was lying on and made looking for any movement difficult, especially the up and down of his chest. He couldn't tell if Jay was breathing.

"Yes!" Kelly blew out a breath, a violent exhale those around him mimicked "…he's alive…" He turned and touched Hailey's shoulder, "He's alive Hailey. Its still pretty dusty in there, but he's moving his hand, his finger. He's alive."

She dipped her head and let out a sob and was pulled into a hug by Kevin. A moment later she pushed him away and moved to the monitor, wiping his eyes, "His finger?"

They all stilled, focussing on her as she stared at the screen. This wasn't relief, or only relief, this was something more.

"Ya, See…right there."

She looked to just above where Kelly's pen rested on the monitor. Jay's tapping finger shattering her already broken heart from when she thought there was no way he could have survived.

"Oh Jay…"

She continued to watch her husband tap his finger, the tool he used to stay in the present so he didn't fall into the past. The explosion took him back to the edge of Afghanistan and he was trying not to get lost there.

"We have to hurry."

"We are. We'll…"

She took a step closer to Kelly, whispering so only he could hear, "The tapping, he uses it to ground himself after night terrors, to keep himself here. The explosion triggered him. He's hurt. It's going to be hard for him not to slip back."

He squeezed her shoulder, "Got ya. We'll go as fast as we can and keep everyone safe while we do it.''

"Kelly…"

"I know. Keep an eye on him…." he handed her a radio, "…I can't take you in there…"

She nodded her head, choking on her tears. She knew that, she did, but she wanted to be there. The radio helped. She'd be able to talk to Jay, even if he was unconscious. Kelly knew they would both need that.

"I'll take care of him, Hailey."

XXXXXXX

They'd tried numerous times to yell at Jay but he didn't respond. It was hard to tell with the dust, but Sylvie thought she saw blood in his ears and though they were all initially freaked out, she told them, guessed, that it was more than likely one or both of his eardrums were blown out from the blast. His ears were probably ringing like mad and he couldn't hear anything.

In the brief instances Jay opened his eyes, he scrunched them closed almost immediately with a wince. It would explain why he hadn't reacted to the camera. To Jay, the small light attached to it was probably just more sun peeking in through one of the small gaps in the rubble. Light to be avoided lest it ramp up the pain in his head.

Adam, concussed and refusing to leave until Jay did, voiced what lie heavy on all their hearts, then punctuated his despair by puking, "So Jay, doesn't know we're…that we're just right here and that we're on our way. He thinks he's alone. Christ, he probably doesn't even know if I'm alive, that he saved me."

XXXXXXX

Rescuing Jay would be a slow process. They needed to shore up the destruction as they went and after surveying their options, they found that the safest route to Jay was from behind him.

While Kelly's crew went after Jay, Sylvie kept watch on her patient as best she could through the small screen of the monitor with the Intelligence Unit looking over her shoulder like a bunch of stalkers.

She assessed Jay through they eyes of a paramedic. She couldn't be there to do a full work up, but blood and body position could tell her some of what they might be looking at and it could give her a rough idea of how much she wasn't seeing by what she was seeing. A very rough idea.

Jay's head was pillowed on the flat surface of a broken block. A halo of blood soaked into the porous surface was telling her definite concussion and she hoped it stopped there. She couldn't put too much weight on the blood yet, even the smallest head wounds bled a lot. Most importantly, he was conscious, his eyes might be closed but the purposeful movement of his finger was proof of it…a good sign.

Superficially, he had trails of blood flowing every which way from the cuts on his forehead, lip, cheek, neck…too many to categorize. Any bruising was lost in the dust and blood.

Jay was not quite lying on his back. His left side was on the ground but his right side was tipped back at a 45º angle against the sharp rubble of broken cinderblocks. She didn't know what the broken blocks might be doing to the lower part of his back unprotected by his vest, or how hard he had landed on them, but the 45º angle was a bit of a relief. It would make it easier for him to breathe, but easier didn't mean easy.

She watched him take shallow breaths to ward off the pain of more than probable broken ribs until his oxygen starved body demanded more and he was forced to pull in a deeper breath that delivered the pain he was trying to avoid. He would release the spent air with a shudder and tears would bead on his lashes as he would lift his chin and try to adjust his breathing to take in the oxygen his body wanted only to fail and ultimately revert to what he could physically handle, shallow breaths. It wasn't optimal but it would have to do, he was breathing, that was all that mattered.

While Sylvie took in Jay through the eyes of a paramedic, Hailey and the rest of the team viewed him as a husband and friend and to them he just looked broken. They saw the injuries she was seeing, the blood and the tears. They saw how hard it was for him to breath and they saw his tapping, and even though Hailey for sure knew what it meant, they all had a pretty good idea and the thought of that finger going still, for either reason, was gut-wrenching.

From what Sylvie could tell, his left leg looked okay, lying to the side, bent at the knee. His right leg was up on a small pile of rubble. The bottom strap of his thigh holster was cut and whatever had cut it also left a long gash on his thigh. It wasn't bleeding profusely but his pant leg was wet with blood and the block that his leg bridged was speckled with drops of blood.

His left arm rested a foot or so out from his body. There was no blood or deformities there either and with the steady tapping of his index finger, it appeared to be okay. The same couldn't be said of his right arm. It lay draped over his torso and was far from anything resembling okay.

There was blood dripping off his fingers, leaking from the compound fractures of both bones of his forearm. It was hard to tell what was going on with his shoulder, but there was at least one compound fracture given the blood and edge of bone she could see poking though his t-shirt and the nature of the deformity said there was much more going on there.

XXXXXXX

Kelly and his guys were moving as quickly as possible to get to Jay, but it was a slow process. They needed to make sure the rest of the building didn't come down and kill him before they got there. The unit understood the need for caution but it felt like they'd been watching Jay lying on that rubble for what felt like forever, and it was hard.

When his eyes weren't open, bar his tapping finger, he looked dead, but then he'd open his eyes again and they'd be lit with life, with pain.

This time was the worst, he wasn't able to stop himself from moving. His chest hitched and his mouth trembled open while he tried to contain what, a sob? a scream? The tears were rolling from the corners of his eyes as he was stuck in his agony. There would be no relief except unconsciousness and his body wasn't kind enough to provide him that.

The tapping had stopped this time, instead, his left hand, in a white knuckled fist, pushed and scraped itself bloody against the rough ground, the movement sending an uptick in pain as he tried to get a handle on it. His eyes were scrunched closed, and his mouth clamped tight causing fresh blood to flow from his split lips.

His eyebrows lifted, then scrunched together opening a dam of tears. His chest jerked as one sob then another escaped. They didn't catch it at first, what he was saying, what he was repeating over and over and over as he sobbed but then they did, 'Hailey…' and it broke their hearts.

Ten minutes later his sobs were reduced to tears and cries for Hailey became mumbles from bloody lips but most importantly, his white knuckled fist loosened and he began to tap again, sporadic at first as it tripped over the pain until he finally found a steady rhythm.

Later, maybe 20 minutes, maybe a half hour, the rubble above him shifted, not much but enough to knock loose small bits of cement and debris onto him from above, adding a few cuts to his face and drawing a wince from him.

Then a larger piece of something fell and hit his deformed shoulder and they could see the pain it caused him. They didn't hear the silent scream when he tilted his head back and released it, but they felt it in their hearts. The pain that should've finally knocked him out didn't, instead he sagged into himself, stared at the darkness above him and was lost to the place he'd been trying so desperately to avoid - he stopped tapping and went back to Afghanistan.

XXXXXXX

Okey dokey. Hope you liked it. One more chapter to go, says Barbara. Stay safe peeps! Big smooch!