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Halo 1: Humility – Halo of Humanity
Virtue Ruler: Archangel Gabriel (Angel Choir)
Tree of Life: Yesod
Sky color: White
Description: reverse of Hell Rings, Halo lowest and closest to Earth, home of ex-humans, E.L.F. and Holy City, Moon energy, goal to rescue Sinners from both Hells into either Heaven. Gabriel nurtures souls with motherly energy despite being male.
Rival: Queen Lilith (Hazbin)
Halo 2: Patience – Halo of Healing
Virtue Ruler: Archangel Rapheal (Archangel Choir)
Tree of Life: Hod
Sky Color: Green
Description: healer angels and communicators, technology central, meditators, scholars, and peacemakers, Mercury energy, strategists to plan against Satan's imp/demon army
Rival: Satan (Hazbin)
Halo 3: Temperance – Halo of Harmony
Virtue Ruler: Archangel Haniel - female (Principalities Choir)
Tree of Life: Netzach
Sky color: Teal
Description: Halo of moderation, social events, beauty and pleasures, angels protecting nations and bestowing miracles, home of artists and musicians, Venus energy
Rival: Beelzebub (Hazbin - female)
Halo 4: Charity – Halo of Harvest
Virtue Ruler: Archangel Michael (Virtues Choir)
Tree of Life: Tiferet
Sky color: Blue
Description: Halo of farming, police and order, Michael's grand amusement park, concerts and entertainment is here, including the famous Woo-Hoo-Land water park, police and warrior angels organize and help keep order in the Halos and other realms, Sun energy
Rival: Mammon (Hazbin)
Halo 5: Chasity - Halo of Holy Relationships
Virtue Ruler: Archangel Camael (Powers Choir)
Tree of Life: Geburah
Sky color: Pink
Description: Halo of love, marriage and sacred relationships, many laws against illegal sex, relationships etc., location of Camael's Corner, location of Camael's anti-Asmodean cherubs who go to Earth to spread the Good News or help people move away from lust for good or bad, Mars energy
Rival: Asmodeus (Hazbin)
Halo 6: Kindness – Halo of Heart
Virtue Ruler: Archangel Zadkiel (Dominions Choir)
Tree of Life: Hesed
Sky Color: Purple
Description: opposite of Leviathan's underwater world, this world is in the clouds and sky, Eagle Exorcist Angels are from here and sent to Warth to counteract Leviathan's possessions of humans. Zadkiel is about justice and regulating lower spheres. Jupiter energy.
Rival: Leviathan (Hazbin)
Halo 7: Diligence – Halo of Honesty
Virtue Ruler: Zaphkiel - female (Thrones Choir)
Tree of Life: Binah
Sky Color: Gold
Description: a high-level Halo of justice and law. Many courtrooms are located here. Many angels work to counteract Belphegor's drugs and illnesses spreading to Earth, Saturn energy.
Rival: Belphegor (Hazbin – Female)
Halo 8 and 9: Holy Spirit Halos: Hidden Higher Halos where only God and high elite have access to. Raziel, angel of knowledge rules the Cherubim and Metatron and Sandalphon both rule the highest Seraphim choir. The sky colors here are rainbow. Jesus resides here, as well as the Angelorium, opposite of the Pandemonium building. The Halos lead to the Primum Mobile where God sits. Tree of Life: Chokmah and Keter. The 72 Shem Hamephorash angels to oppose the 72 Goetia of Hazbin often reside here as well.
Heaven was a marvelous paradise that sat proudly atop fluffy clouds of blue, orange, pink and white. It was located on a white planet surrounded by a large glowing halo like a planetary ring. It was located above Earth and Hell. The denizens of Heaven included God, His Archangels (Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel, etc.), Adina, Metatron, Jesus Christ, Mary, and many others. Lucifer used to live there until he was banished for disobeying God. The royal Seraphim Sisters, Sera and Emily, were in charge of Adam and his Exorcists, just under the Speaker of God. Although Heaven seemed like perfection, the elite angels were ignorant to the suffering demons in Hell. To them, the demons were diseased foreigners who didn't deserve to go to Heaven. Humans weren't much better…they had to meet near impossible standards of the Seven Virtues to go to Heaven. The majority of humanity was flawed in their eyes, only destined for doom, death, and destruction. In addition, white straight Christian men always got front row seats in terms of privilege.
Heaven and Hell each had different hierarchies parallel to each other, plus seven districts or levels, corresponding to the sins and virtues.
The seven Archdemons ruled the Seven Rings of Hazbin Hell:
Lucifer, the fallen angel king of Hell, ruled the first Ring of Pride, the location of I.M.P. Headquarters, and the Hazbin Hotel. It was the only place where Sinners could dwell. The sky was crimson red.
Satan, a red goat-like muscular bodybuilder, ruled the second Ring of Wrath. It was a desert under an orange sky where Millie and lots of rough and tough country imps lived.
Beelzebub, a party animal female with a fox/canine-like appearance ruled the third Gluttony Ring. Under a honey-colored sky, it was a place of parties, feasts, honey, and hellhounds.
Mammon, a giant green greedy jester, ruled the fourth Ring of Greed. Under a money-green sky, it was the location of the Loo-Loo Land theme park and many mafia crime-ridden hideouts.
Asmodeus a.k.a. "Ozzie" ruled the fifth Ring of Lust. Three-headed Asmodeus provided sex products, shows and services to the denizens. It was a popular place for incubi and succubi to strip, dance and demonstrate their sexual prowess at clubs. The sky was dark blue and raining.
Leviathan, the sea serpent, ruled the sixth Ring of Envy. It was the location of underwater Mal-antis (Hell Alantis) and where the von Eldritch family may have come from. Under an indigo sky, suburban marine-demons lived in luxury.
Belphegor, a female drug addict, ruled the seventh Ring of Sloth. Under a pink sky, the denizens were often goats with candles on their heads, hooked on drugs and medicine. The St. Ann's hospital was located there.
In contrast, the seven Archangels ruled the Seven Halos of 2P Heaven. The skies corresponded to the colors of the Archangels. They were called the Virtues in contrast to the Archdemon Sins. Lordships were the counterparts of the Overlords.
The Humility Halo, Halo of Humanity, was the lowest, largest, and most populated Halo in Heaven, opposite of the Pride Ring. It was the Halo where a majority of the saints/former good humans lived in Holy City. In opposition to Sinners in Hell, the saints/former humans were often called "Winners" in Hazbin's Heaven and "Saints" in the parallel Heaven. The Born-Again Council of Lordships was Heaven's equivalent of the Overlords and spirits were the currency instead of souls. ("Heaven Bucks" was currency for Hazbin's Heaven.) Since human souls first had to go through purification and judgement for full admittance to Heaven, the Halo was closest to Earth and Hell.
The sky was a brilliant white, corresponding to purity and the nurturing ruler Archangel Gabriel. The Humility Halo had different sections called the Nine Spheres as opposed to Hell's Nine Circles. Like the Sinners, the Winners/Saints were immortal. Archangel Metatron frequently worked with Michael to counter any outside threats imposed by the Ars Goetia, succubi, Sinners, and other demon types from the Hazbin world and the parallel world. The Shem HaMephorash often kept watch on the Ars Goetia.
The Patience Halo, the Halo of Healing, the second lowest halo, was ruled by the healer, Archangel Rapheal. The sky was light green, symbolizing nature and growth. This Halo was the place of scholars, healers, and meditators. It was here that the angels organized groups and strategists to plan against Satan's army of imps and demons.
The Temperance Halo, the Halo of Harmony, was ruled by the Archangel Haniel. The sky here was light teal. Haniel's Venusian energy encouraged pleasure and beauty, but in moderation. This Halo was the place of artists, musicians, and parties.
The Charity Halo, Halo of Harvest, was ruled by the warrior Archangel Michael. The sky was a brilliant blue here. The Halo bustled with farmers who grew food to sell to other Halos. Police forces and the armies kept order throughout the Halos in honor of Michael. In addition. Michael's Woo-Hoo Land water park rivaled Lucifer's Lu-Lu World in the Hazbin world and Mammon's concerts. They had entertainment without exploitation and profit-keeping.
The Chasity Halo was ruled by Archangel Camael, stern and Mars-like. The sky was pink, corresponding to love and Camael's color. This Halo was the place of marriages, relationships and everything that was not illegal sex like in the Lust Ring. Camael's anti-Asmodean cherubs were sent to Earth to counteract the succubi and incubi.
The Kindness Halo was ruled by Archangel Zadkiel. The sky here was purple. Jupiter energy resided here, and opposite to Levitan's watery world, the Halo was in the sky. Eagle Exorcist angels were sent to oppose Leviathan and the Envy possessors on Earth.
The Diligence Halo, was the last main Halo above the other ones. Zaphkiel ruled this section, Saturn-like. The sky was golden. This Halo has many courtrooms and places of justice…Thrones kept order and balance in the Halos. They also kept eyes on Belphegor, to ensure no drugs or diseases could reach humans on earth.
The other Holy Spirit Halos were ones only God and the elite could reach, where the Cherubim and Seraphim resided. The Elder Angel Councils rivaled Sera and the ones in Hazbin Heaven.
Other locations included the Empyrean where God's throne was, the Panangelium building (opposite of the Pandemonium building), Cherub Towne, Holy City in the Humility Halo, Yeshua City, Elysian-Elysium, Summer-town, Deva City, Generosity in Charity, Aaru, Abstinence in Chasity, Seraph Central, among many others.
Currency: spirits (opposed to souls).
Divisions: Spheres (opposed to Circles).
Rulers: Virtues (opposed to Sins)
Former humans: Winners (opposed to Sinners)
Districts: Halos (opposed to Rings)
Powerful figures: Lordships (opposed to Overlords.)
Phone apps/Technology: Chastinder (Chasity), Gracebook (Facebook), Uriel Meditations, Gabriel-Messenger, Good News Channel, Metatronics (Metatron), MichaelSecurity, YHWH , Prime Nine, Rap-heal-Care (Rapheal), JophiArt (Jophiel)
Radios: "Michael's Music," "Station 777," "Heavenly Tunes," "God's Covenant Choir" "Evangelical Harmonies," "Patience's #1 Church Hits."
Food and drink: Holy Spirit, Holy Water, Cloud Nine Wine (100 CE), Pharoh Platter, Angel Hair Pasta, Angel Food Cake, Elysian Elixir, Ambrosia Delight, Ichthys Elixir, Eden Extract, Holy Cow, Lotus Juice, Green Sensu Beans, Apple Pie of Life, Garden of Eden Salad, Iced Holy Water, Jesus Bread and Wine, Crystal Concoction (Atlantis)
Heaven consisted of the ethereal alien-like Heavenborn angels and the animal-like Winners (mortal souls gone to Heaven, opposite of Sinners). Both the Heavenborn and Hellborn were of higher class than the former humans. Like in Hell, everyone could transform into higher forms at will. God, Michael, and Lucifer alike had inner circles of officials. Heaven had archangels but no Overlords, instead consisting of the Born-Again Council of Lordship Winners. Territory was shared but Winners most often resided in Holy City in the Halo of Humility. They were free to have children, pursue jobs and be themselves within limits. They could even transverse Halos with permission. The Exorcist weapons could kill demons but not angels unless they were supercharged. Like Hell, Heaven also had mythological creatures that resided. Cherubs, little angels that looked like bees, deer, and sheep, helped save human lives and blessed them with love. They resided in the cloudy Cherub Towne.
Holy City was the main capital of Heaven like Pentagram City in Hell. The Pride Ring was divided into nine Circles and the Humility Halo was divided into nine Spheres. Shining buildings of gold, silver, marble, and other materials glinted in the sunlight. At night, the sky was filled with brilliant bright stars and the glowing teal blue Christian Cross hovering over Holy City. The Exorcists, brainwashed angels fitted with body-fitting vulture-like suits, would be busy training in a lower part of Heaven, separate from the rest of society like the military. The denizens of Heaven were both humanoid and had animal-like traits. They were often sheep, dogs, cats, doves, swans, and other sacred animals (much like the bi-pedal individuals in Zoophobia). The lesser human/animal denizens had physical features of gems, harps, trumpets, wheels, chalices, and other holy instruments. They could take on many-eyed Biblical angelic forms, forms that were ethereal and not human-like at all.
0 0 0
Not too far away from Cherub Towne in the second sphere lay a beautiful area within the clouds of Heaven. A floating white sign read "Welcome to Elf City: est. 1981." The sky was white and the buildings and streets immaculate. The elves were considered to be of a lower class, acting in service roles like the cherubs. Do-gooders (humans who died and went to Heaven) were slightly above them, while the Heaven-Born Angels were considered the upper class.
Elves of various colors and sizes were chatting among themselves, while others walked around with their families. Many of them were hard at work: wrapping presents for Christmas, saving food to give to the homeless, cleaning a nearby park, and caring for the ill. Some of them liked to volunteer just for something to do. Some elves went around saving people's lives, spreading love, or healing their wounds.
The most well-known miracle bestowing company was located in a tall white office building surrounded by a golden halo of clouds. The building was decorated with golden wing structures arching off to the sides. The double doors had harp designs on them. Posted on a door were the words "E.L.F. Headquarters" and on a taped piece of paper, "Meeting in progress" was scribbled on it.
On a white board was a line graph and a bar graph, the line slowly moving downwards from a blue happy face with a halo to a red sad face. "Docile loves you, by Docile" was written off to the side. A white Christian Cross was drawn in the center of the wooden table surrounded by black leather chairs.
Up front, a black, white, and dark teal colored elf paced back and forth. He had large pointed dark teal ears that jutted off between the sides and top of his bald head. He had large eyes of light blue irises, white pupils, and blue sclera. The left portion of his face was black, and the right side of his face was dark teal. He wore a long white business suit with light blue buttons and purple circles on the sleeves with little white crosses in the centers. White boots with blue outlines covered his feet while white fingerless gloves covered his hands. A white heart-shaped mark lay on his forehead like a birthmark. A little green pin attached to his undershirt had a happy face on it. A white halo with little spikes on it hovered over his head. He also had white feathery wings folded behind him.
The elf was Docile, a serious asexual individual.
Docile looked toward his audience of two elves and a humanoid cat sitting in chairs around the table.
"All right, now I know business has been…a bit stressful lately. We've had to keep up demands and during the rush, not everyone can be saved." He pointed toward the graph. "It seems that more and more people aren't counting on miracles from angels and God to help themselves feel better. I don't know how our company will fare if this keeps sloping down. Now it's no one's fault, okay? I just think that some of us could…benefit from improving their attitude…like Tirred."
Tirred raised his eyebrows. The elf had a dark teal face, dark blue eyes, and black hair framing his face on the sides. Black freckles were present under his eyes. He also had white wings and a white spiked halo that hovered above his head. He wore a light blue bow tie and a white business suit similar to Docile's. Tirred was often grumpy and well…tired, but he took his job as a healer seriously.
Docile continued. "Now does anyone have any bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?"
The woman elf, Timmid had short white hair with a black flower spot on it and displayed a row of sharp white teeth. She wore white gloves and a white blouse over a long white skirt. Her eyelashes extended past her face. Like the others, she had a dark teal face, pointed elf ears, dark blue eyes, white wings, and a white wiry halo over her head. Timmid was often timid and was the negotiator between humans and elves. Tirred and Timmid were an on-again-off-again couple and were from the Halo of Patience in Heaven.
Timmid thought for a moment and spoke softly, "What…about…a billboard?"
"That's a thought, Timmid, but there are advertisements everywhere in Heaven," Docile mentioned. Then his eyes brightened, and he waved his hands. "Oh. How about a car wash?"
Timmid spoke up. "Um, this is Heaven, sir. Cars are already clean here."
"Good point," Docile said. "Any other ideas?"
"We can't just stick to what we've been doing before?" Tirred asked with a yawn, adjusting his large bow tie. "Why not just prove those people wrong?"
"So helpful, Tirred, really glad you're in the room right now," Docile spoke fast, rolling his eyes. "Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?"
Docile turned on the TV and a series of clips showed up on screen: Docile bandaging an angel's wings, Tirred helping a man walk, Sunna, the cat purring at a crying girl, Timmid saving someone using CPR.
Docile held a bowl of popcorn for everyone to eat. Sunna, the brown, furry, black striped cat, wore a white sun dress with a sun on it. She wore a gold cross necklace around her neck. Her mane of hair was lion-like, almost like a hipster's hairdo. She was purring contently while sniffing the last leaf of catnip she brought. Her eyes were sky blue and large. A nearby poster showed Docile and his bald elf sister Holly Wata with an award for being the best performers in a choir. A banner read "The Holy Elf Duo" above them.
"Ah, those were the good times," Docile smiled.
Timmid ate a piece of popcorn on the table, lost in thought.
Timmid sighed. "Yes indeed," she said to Docile. "But Tirred seems upset about some of your mistakes."
"Don't need any reminding, sir," Tirred grumbled to his boss, "considering you blew most of our salaries to help a rival pharmaceutical company with their advertisement, one that you additionally paid to have us hold their hands and sing for three whole weeks on a channel, everybody watches!"
"Hey, uh excuse me?" Docile looked back, insulted. He stood up. "What's so "obnoxious" about generosity and a super fun song, alright? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spitting lies." He walked across the room.
"People love musicals, sir," added Timmid with a small smile.
"Exactly, Timmid," Docile smiled, "and we're basically doing a musical." Docile did jazz hands before turning to Tirred. "Are you gonna criticize my musical theater dreams like my dad did?"
"Sir…" Tirred began, but Docile cut him off.
"Because all I see right now is my dad and his angry eyes glaring at me, criticizing my dreams of being who I truly am inside." He turned his head away.
Timmid leaned in toward Tirred. "Please don't make him angry, Tirred," she begged.
"I'm just stating how it is," Tirred replied, arms folded.
"I thought I knew you," Timmid said, making a face at him. "No need to be a grumpy pants, dear." Tirred rolled his eyes in response.
Docile turned back to Tirred, tears in his eyes. "I can't believe you, Tirred. And after I made you Employee of the Month." He held up a picture of Tirred with a large grin of sharp teeth.
Tirred threw up his hands. "Okay, sir! I'm sorry, but a commercial jingle and a cheesy song are not comparable to musical theater. Nobody actually likes the jingles."
"But…I liked it!" Timmid popped up.
Tirred turned to her, arms crossed. "Yeah, sure, take his side, why don't you?"
0 0 0
In a commercial, Docile spoke in front of purple curtains. "Hi, I'm Docile, the "e" is silent and I'm the founder of E.L.F." On an icon, Docile leaned against the L in the logo, with figures of Timmid and Tirred posing on either side with their hands in prayer. The E.L.F. logo appeared over his hand. Docile continued, "Are you a ray of light that got yourself sent to Heaven?" The picture showed Docile dressed in a superhero outfit with a red cape. "Or are you a conflicted convict who just happened to have your life cut short by someone else?" The next picture showed Docile dressed in a red devil costume choosing whether or not to quit smoking and drugs.
A nearby sign read the angel's name that hired E.L.F. A winged angel carrying a lamb baby with a male lion's head spoke with a 333 News billboard in the background, "After defending myself against my psycho brother and preaching about God, you could imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the coronavirus killed me. I really wish I could help my sick grieving sister and advise my family to kick my brother out."
Docile continued, standing in a church with Timmid and Tirred in white robes nearby.
"Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company's special access to the living world, we can help you take care of your unfinished business by blessing anyone who may have helped you out when you were alive!" Docile happily climbed up a flight of golden stairs.
Then the jingle began:
"When your loved one has to die
Does it hurt to say goodbye?
Do you wish they were alive?
So you could watch them thrive?"
"Through the grief and deceased
We can bring you peace
When you feel alone
Know they're safe at home"
"When you want somebody blessed
And you don't wanna get all stressed
Call the Efficient Lifesaving Fellows!"
"Whether First Aid or CPR
We'll make sure you all go far
Efficient Lifesaving Fellows!"
"We do our job so fine
'Cause we come straight from Cloud Nine!"
"When you're consumed by grief
We help you find relief
Miracles beyond your belief!"
"We'll save your husband or your wife
We'll even help extend your life
The Efficient Lifesaving Fellows!"
"Pets and children live for freeee!"
At the bottom it read: "This company is not to be confused with C.H.E.R.U.B. in the canon parallel Heaven dimension next door. Although nobody really knows too much about E.L.F., it was founded way before C.H.E.R.U.B. in question. Mary had some little lambs and overstayed her welcome."
Various clips showed E.L.F. saving people: lifting a boulder from a human, comforting a crying human after a car accident, passing out Bibles and food to the homeless, giving money to a school in Africa, humans, and angels dancing in a circle…
A brown-haired woman stole a guy's wallet and kicked him in the groin. She ran off and then got shot by police. Yet she only went unconscious. The doctors took her to the emergency room while the elves waited. A doctor walked in on the elves in the waiting room.
"She's in stable condition, but she'll need rest and an arrest warrant. Now what kind of insurance do you freaks have?"
"God's chosen don't need insurance," Tirred stated coldly. Docile glared at him.
The elves and the woman were promptly kicked out of the hospital and sent back to Heaven.
0 0 0
Back at the office, Tirred spoke up, hands in front of him. "I'd like to go on record and say that incident was Sunna's fault. Dispatch is supposed to give the right info on the client. It's a very simple process."
"I'm sorry, Tirred, I did the best I could," Sunna said, unfazed.
Tirred fumed. " 'Sorry' doesn't cover it…do your job!"
"Hey, now we don't blame screw-ups on Sunna, okay?" Docile said. "She didn't do anything wrong." Sunna happily walked over and embraced Docile in a tight hug, Docile straining to break free.
"Are you kidding me, sir? She's awful!"
0 0 0
Sunna thought back to the time when she was a receptionist at a desk. The old rotary phone rang, sounding like cats meowing. She picked up the fish-shaped phone.
"Thank you for calling E.L.F. How may we bless you?" Sunna asked, smiling.
Timmid was on the other end, concern in her voice. "There's a customer ranting about Satan. He wants to commit suicide…"
"Tell him that suicide will not make things better."
"He wants to rant and curse you; it will be the end of our company for sure!"
Then Tirred added in a harsh voice next to Timmid: "She's right. We're all doomed if we don't enforce harsh discipline on that scum of a…"
"Just got a call on the other line, apologies, worry warts." Sunna trilled, hanging up the phone. She read her Fancy Feast Feline magazine.
0 0 0
Another memory came back to Sunna, which took place at her house.
"Happy Adoption Anniversary, Sunny," said Docile. "I got a little something for you." He showed her a gift in his hands.
Sunna smiled. "Is it a cure for Covid?"
"I…uh…"
"Then I want it!" she exclaimed happily, tearing open the gift and dropping it on the floor. A flock of white butterflies flew around the room and landed all over her.
"I'm sorry, it was butterflies!" Docile looked on in concern. But Sunna happily batted and played with them, her mouth open in a grin. "God bless you…"
0 0 0
There was one other time when Sunna watched Princess Coercia singing/screaming "Inside of Every Angel is a Sinner." She was in her full Angel form, with black feathery wings and a black spiked halo. Tirred walked over, holding a piece of paper in his hands that read "Moxie 4 U." His black eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"Excuse me um, did you just fax me an ad for weight loss and muscle growth?"
"Yes," Sunna replied.
"Is it because I'm so handsome already? Better than many of the wimps around here?"
"Come on," Sunna teased. "Just the opposite."
0 0 0
Later, Sunna rummaged around, looking for something in the kitchen.
"Who left this tuna salad in the fridge?"
"Wasn't me," said Timmid. "It was there from yesterday."
"Is this yours, Tirred?"
No answer.
"Well, I'm taking it because I have the best feeling right now."
She closed the door and gulped down the food.
"Now why would you get hyper on a workday?" Timmid asked, nearby.
"I'm happy from this morning, Timmy Tim," she giggled.
"Don't call me that," Timmid said. "I'm not a guy."
Tirred walked inside. "Isn't that my lunch? You stole it, you crazy cat!"
"I'm so sorry!" Sunna said, then brightened. "You know what? I'll just go get you another one before work! Time to enjoy my tenth life!"
Sunna raced outside with a "Wheeee!" and helped an elderly elf cross the street.
0 0 0
"Docile!" Sunna called in the office, "Your privileged authoritarian's on the phone! Says it's urgent and wants to talk to you. Sounds a little DTP-y." (Down to Punish)
"Oh Lord that was one time!" Docile yelled, splashing water on himself in front of Tirred. "We wouldn't have access to the living world if I hadn't let myself get punished by that privileged jerk face."
"You what?" Tirred asked, concerned.
"I stole a Bible after getting whipped for the sins I did. Figured I had nothing else to lose."
"Docile!" Sunna cried.
"I heard you already!" Docile yelled before stomping into his office to play with bobble heads of himself, Timmid and Tirred.
"So… what can I do you for, Samael?" Docile asked nervously on his cell phone in his office. Inside his office were circus posters and advertisements for church gatherings and "Docile in Choir of Light: one time only!"
The Angel of Divine Retribution lounged in his palace on a golden sofa. He was dressed in a royal red robe, had white skin and golden short hair. His eyes were golden. On the walls were pictures of him wielding a flaming sword and casting demons into fiery lakes below. Several medals of Honor were attached to his clothing. His wings were fiery colors, starting with red orange at the top going to a white-blue at the feathery tips.
Samael was a companion to Azrael, the dark-haired Angel of Death. Samael and Adina were generals to the Exterminators/Exorcists who killed demons once every year in Hell. The founders of the Exorcists were God and the merciless Zoophobia angel Adina. Both Samael and Adina loved to punish demons, the former using physical torture and the latter using their deepest psychological fears.
"There's a politician who's causing lots of trouble on Earth for a few of my associates. He wants to convince people that the coronavirus isn't dangerous."
"Isn't it?" Docile asked.
"Well, it is, and more people die when no extra precautions are taken. And it gets crowded here." Samael sighed, his hand on his chin.
"Well, that makes sense."
"You know what happens when I'm stressed, Docy?"
"Oh lord no…" Docile began, flinched away from his phone.
Samael's hair and wings ignited the more he talked.
"When I'm stressed, I become angry. And when I become angry, I have to whip your back and * strike your * with a flaming sword, cast you into a windy dessert, freeze you into ice in the lowest level, make you swim in the lake of fire for 1 million *hours, hang you on a wooden cross for sins you didn't commit and leave you begging for His mercy * like an imperfect mortal!"
Docile hung up the phone, with a look of fear, broke it in half and tossed the pieces to Sunna. "Here play with these."
Sunna patted the pieces with her paws in fascination.
"And you know after you put them in your mouth?"
"Yeah?" she asked, eating them.
"Vomit it off a bridge."
"Ew, no!"
0 0 0
Back at the meeting, Docile continued, "Look, the point is, Sunna is a valued member of our family, and we don't get rid of families."
"We aren't a family, sir," Tirred pointed out. "You are the boss. We are the employees. You treat her like she's some hyperactive teenager. She's more like a catnip addicted spoiled woman you let man the phones."
Sunna hissed at him.
"That is offensive," Docile said. "Without spoiled people, I wouldn't have half the joy and laughter I do in this life." Docile opened the blinds and saw an angel dressed in a golden suit getting his picture taken by a crowd of people. Docile waved at a lovely white-haired, teal-faced elf woman wearing a white dress with little white feathery wings on them before closing the blinds.
Tirred crossed his arms and did air quotes with his fingers. "While we're on the subject of 'family,' can you stop finding Timmid and me outside of work?"
"Come on, it's not that big a deal," Timmid said.
Tirred's eyes grew wide. "Excuse me…what?!"
0 0 0
Tirred remembered cooking at their house.
"Hey Timmie, could you grab me some lemons?" he called.
"Sure, sweetie," Timmid said, grabbing a few lemons and heading to the table.
Docile suddenly appeared from the ceiling, landing gracefully in front of the woman elf. "When life gives you lemons…"
He squashed a lemon, letting the juice fall into a glass. "…the best aide is lemonade."
Timmid giggled, her smile matching her short white hair.
"What's so funny, Timmie?" Tirred asked his girlfriend.
"The impressive wordplay," Docile said, serving angel's food cake on the table. (Devil's food cake wasn't allowed.)
"What the…where did you even come from?!" Tirred asked Docile in shock.
0 0 0
In their bedroom in their luxury sapphire-walled apartment (a sign above read, "Need a heaven-cat?") Tirred was woken up by Docile praying for good luck for him.
"What're you dreaming about?" he asked.
Tirred moaned, "I was dreaming of me lording over my coworkers and...I'd like to get back to that."
0 0 0
Timmid and Tirred remembered the song they sang, while Timmid played on an angelic guitar shaped like a swan:
"Of all the perfect elves,
It's with him, I'm myself
Oh Timmid."
They noticed Docile glancing off to the side and Timmid told him, "Film us already!"
"Are you bucking serious?" Tirred roared in anger.
0 0 0
Back in the present, Tirred seethed. "Just. Stop. Doing that."
"I don't see what the issue is," Docile said. "Just love good classic romance, future holy matrimony…and the honeymoon bonus scenes. Timmid wanted me to, anyway."
Sunna rolled her eyes, while Tirred fumed.
"Sir, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!" Tirred stood up.
"Calm down, Tir," Timmid said, pulling him back down. "You're gonna have another panic attack."
"I am calm!" Tirred yelled before Timmid rubbed his black head. "Shh there, there," she said, while Tirred whimpered.
Docile spoke again. "Look I don't judge what you do outside of working hours, so don't judge me."
Veins popped out of Tirred's eyes. "Oh, I do judge you, sir. Quite a lot, actually."
He crossed his arms while Timmid gasped in fear.
"Tir, he's our boss!"
"No, it's fine, Timmid," Docile mentioned. "Your boyfriend is just…how do I say this without being offensive…bossy."
"Does overly criticizing me make you feel better about your sad single life?" Tirred asked.
"Not really, but it's still fun," Docile admitted.
Sunna added to Tirred, "Even though you can be a grump sometimes, I still appreciate your company."
"P-Please don't call him a grump, pussy cat!" Timmid protested. "You know I don't like him when he gets mad…"
"Do not criticize my assistant that way," Docile said. "She's sensitive."
"Yes I am," meowed Sunna.
"You guys are all freaking weird!"
Everyone turned to look. A pale spirit of a brown-haired teen girl floated nearby, wearing a prisoner uniform.
"Oh, uh…thank you, kid," said Docile. "It's something for you to witness this."
"Ugh, this company's such a mess," Tirred exclaimed. "All that paperwork is bad enough without you guys being a pain in my…"
"Alright, let's get back to talking about our friendship!" Docile said out of nowhere.
"Nobody was talking about that," Sunna mentioned.
"Which is why I'm trying to get that ball rolling, so, I think we're off to a great start, right?"
The spirit pointed her finger at Docile, "It was heaven being able to rest after being shot by police for mugging a guy, but now…I miss my family. I want life!"
"You," she said pointing to Docile, "I don't know who you are, but you look like one of Santa's helpers, if Santa were God. No offence."
Docile held in laughter. "None taken, miss."
The spirit added to Tirred, "I see you're a handsome fellow. If I were to feel comfortable, I'd look you in the eye and ask, 'How in the world did I get here?' so…how in the world did I get here?"
"You died," he deadpanned. The spirit looked taken aback.
"That's my boyfriend you're talking to," Timmid said, apologetic.
"Oh? He's your boyfriend?" the spirit chuckled. "I figured him for an athlete, but I didn't know he'd get even luckier."
Timmid giggled in response.
And you." The spirit pointed at Sunna.
"Yeah, what about me?" Sunna asked.
"You're just purrfect. I was never a dog person."
Sunna purred.
"Wow you really are an amazing ray of sunshine," Docile said.
Tirred rolled his eyes. "Such a flirt trying to make herself innocent."
Sunna spoke up. "Hey guys, I just got a text from our client, says she's the right one to bless after all."
"Who?" Docile asked.
"Her."
"Me?" asked the spirit.
"Yep."
"They wanted us to help an actual convict?" Docile asked.
"That's what they're saying."
Docile frowned. "Well Satan in a heater, I guess there is a Devil."
He pointed a golden rod at her, and she was transported to her other family members in Heaven.
Docile spoke about E.L.F.: "You know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we're capable of doing the same things anyone else can, like blessing people. So, from us here at the Efficient Lifesaving Fellows group, we promise to settle your unfinished business, or your money is…given to charity and you're never getting it back and you can write us a bad review, but we'll be oblivious to it because it's Heaven and business is business no matter where you are."
Everyone wrapped Docile in a hug, while he rolled his eyes. Then he said, "Even though the kid was a convict, she's still a just a human...or was. It's important that we've handled this going forward, respectfully." Everyone smiled in the hug.
Back on Earth, Docile dropped a heartfelt message from the convict Ellie for the surviving family members to read. It was about how guilty she felt after stealing some money…she had been trying to feed a nearby homeless family she knew well. They wanted her back, but they were finally able to see her body and get a sense of closure. The family members looked up to see the elves looking down at them.
"You're welcome!" Docile called with a wave before the portal closed.