authorsnote: I had different plans for this chapter initially, but this felt needed

also I'm aiming for minimum 2024 monthly updates, jan and feb done! lets gooo

do enjoy

songrecs: chemtrails over the country club - lana del rey

Having an earth-shattering revelation about being in love with his best friend, was not something Harry had thought he'd have to tackle when going back in time to the 1970's. In fact, he had been so oblivious to his own now obvious feelings, it was not something he thought he'd need to tackle at all.

In fact, as the night had wound down, and Harry now lay in bed, next to said best friend (who was slumbering happily after thoroughly scolding the Marauders for their antics, though Sirius had cut her off by barreling her over his shoulder, her squawking had temporarily made him laugh and forget said earth-shattering revelation), it was something he didn't know how to tackle.

His first instinct was to ask Hermione, said best friend, but he couldn't do that because not only was she his go-to when he was unsure on something, or needed help, or even a good pros and cons list (which really was often Hermione's idea not his), he realized she was his go-to, not just as a best friend, but because he loved her.

How had he been so oblivious? How did Hermione not know? Did she?! No, he glanced over at her, sleeping away, one arm thrown over hers, unaware of his small breakdown next to her, he'd know if she knew … wouldn't he? Yes, that was one thing he could be sure of alongside these emerged feelings, Hermione was less subtle than he, if she'd have realized what he himself only just had, she wouldn't have kept it from him.

And he hated the idea of keeping it from her, in fact he frowned at the prospect of not telling her something, and that he hated that he couldn't talk to her about something plaguing him, but he couldn't.

He had to work this out on his own.

He had done plenty alone. The basilisk, the Dementors, the Tri-Wizard Tournament, Voldemort, Umbridge, the Cave, Voldemort again, and again. He could do this alone, what were feelings, even love compared to the horrors he'd faced to confront?

He wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't prefer a fourth round with Voldemort.

Hermione shifted then, moving closer to him, and almost automatically he lifted his arm so she could cradle into his arm, her head tucking down on his shoulder. It was something they often did when sleeping, and Harry was just now realizing perhaps that wasn't a normal thing for someone not in love with the other to do.

And yet, he didn't deny her, he never could, especially now, as she cuddled into him, and he pulled her close. He remembered sometimes brushing her lips to his forehead when she came closer to him, in comfort! (He tried to defend to himself, and failed), but he just resisted this time, as the feelings played over and over in his mind.

He thought of his parents, and the truth that if it came down to them or Hermione – one further as more shocks came to him, if it came down to anyone or Hermione, he would pick Hermione. He would keep her safe over all else, and though she didn't need him to protect her, he would, until he could no longer.

He would protect her over any and all else.

But it was more than that, he loved her.

He thought of how he'd felt for Cho, for Ginny, and how both, even in Ginny, who he was sure he'd loved, paled in comparison to what he felt for Hermione. Paled in comparison to the peace and happiness he felt when he looked at her, to how he had easily tugged her into his arms.

How he didn't want to let her go.

This wasn't a crush, or confusing a friendship, this, as he settled down, as his heart settled from the shock, this he realized, was love.

He was in love with Hermione.

He looked down at her, at the freckles dusted across her nose, the gentle slope of said nose, her cheeks, thin from lack of food but filling out back to the smile he remembered. Her eyes closed, he could see the delicate web of veins across her pale eyelids, knew if she opened them he'd see brilliant brown with a fleck or two of gold. Looked at her lips, pink and parted slightly in sleep.

He wondered what it would be like to kiss them.

"Harry?" Hermione asked, voice filled with sleep, "You 'okay?" She'd woken, and looked at him, one eyebrow raised to see him still awake.

He almost jolted, especially as in that moment he'd been thinking about his best friends' lips, but managed to remain still, thankful for his ability to stay calm in a crisis. Instead he just nodded, and managed a smile at Hermione sleep mussed hair and confused expression.

"Fine" He said with a smile, because he was fine, as fine as he could be, and he realized again, he would be fine as long as Hermione was in his arms.

"Kay'" She said, before she leaned up and placed a kiss to his cheek, and he smiled, resisted the urge to lean down … for now.

For now, for he knew as he did settle back, close his eyes, and tried to will sleep to come, especially as Hermione's head grew heavy, her falling back into a slumber with ease, for now it was fine. For now he could wait, for now he needed to think.

For now.

For he knew soon it wouldn't be enough. He remembered how he'd felt with Ginny, as though his chest was burning when he wasn't with her, as though his heart ached when she didn't know the truth, and he knew, even as sleep began to come, as he turned his head to bury his face in Hermiones unruly curls, he knew this would be much worse.

He could already feel it, an ache in his chest, to tell her the truth, to spill out his feelings, to be honest with her, to hope she felt it back. But for now, he waited.

For now, he just brushed that kiss gently against Hermiones hair, and settled down, off to sleep, with Hermione in his arms.

Where he hoped she'd remain, forever.

Come morning things seemed less simple.

For one, Harry though more and more at peace with his feelings as each minute passed, did not want Hermione to know, until he figured out how to tell her whilst preserving their friendship, and whilst hopefully making her realise she was in love with him (not that he thought she was, but he hoped). He felt it was better kept quiet.

But he had his concerns. For one, Hermione was like a bloodhound when she sensed he was in trouble, and while he admired (and yes loved), her loyalty, right now, as she asked him three times over breakfast, 'If he was sure he was okay?!', he could have used with her being a little less perceptive.

And secondly, he was sure the Marauders were on to him, long before he had been, and the sneaky hints Sirius dropped, and James' knowing grin (intermixed with making googly eyes at Lily, oh god, did Harry make the same eyes at Hermione?!), and that did not help.

He was somehow relieved to get to lessons.

Though Hermione's suspicions were raised as he dodged her in Potions and forced his way into the seat next to James. Sirius just grinned, "Blishwick! Maybe you can raise my grade to an O!" He joked as he slid in next to Hermione, and Hermione shot him a half glare, half a look of concern.

"Got it bad huh?" James asked as they settled down, far enough across the classroom that Hermione was in no risk of hearing them, especially as cauldrons for their Elixir to Induce Euphoria began to bubble.

"What?" Harry flinched as he spoke, quite like being in a dual, he felt on hyper-alert.

"For Hermione?" James said knowingly, "I know the feeling?"

And Harry for a moment smiled.

Was he about to get advice from his Dad? Yes, James, his Dad didn't know it, but Harry felt something warm spread inside him, that he was about to get advice, and have a real honest conversation with his Father, something he'd never hoped once to have, and so he smiled even as he nodded.

"I only just realized" He said honestly, as he chopped sprigs of peppermint up, as James plucked porcupine quills apart.

"Bit late mate" James snorted, "You might be the last to find out, besides Hermione herself of course"

"You don't think she knows?" Harry leapt on, equal parts again sad to be keeping something from Hermione, and relieved he'd managed not to let everyone on to feelings he hadn't even realized he'd had.

"No chance" James said with a shake of his head, smiling a little, "She's more oblivious than you"

"Right" Harry said with a frown then, if she was oblivious did that mean she didn't feel anything for him? He had literally no idea. And did he want her too?

Yes, he knew that he knew he wanted her to feel for him what he felt for her, even if it risked their friendship.

He felt like he was working out his feelings as he went, perhaps he was.

"What do you do?" Harry asked with a crinkle of his brow, relying on the fact that though his Dad had fumbled many an interaction with his Mother, he had also ended up with her in the end, and so surely would have some good advice?

"Well don't call her fit across the Great Hall and ask her to Hogsmeade three days in a row" James said with a sigh, and a shake of his head, "I can tell you that much"

Harry's heart sunk a touch, he forgot who he was talking to; his Dad hadn't yet managed to make Lily fall in love with him, they were only in 5th year after all, he was a year and a bit early.

"Right" He said again, glanced at Hermione who was brandishing what looked like a silver knife at a grinning Sirius, Slughorn charging towards them in concern. Lupin and Pettigrew stood one desk behind, clearly trying to intervene.

"Do you think I should tell her?" He asked, because that was the heart of it wasn't it? He couldn't control Hermione's feelings, he couldn't know what she felt, he could just be honest, as he so wanted to, (for keeping things from Hermione genuinely felt wrong), and hope she felt the same way for him, or at least a fraction of it, and if not … well, if not, he knew their friendship was too strong to break, that he was sure of.

And that surety, they were too intertwined, too close, too before anything else best friends, to ever lose that, made him feel better, and bolder.

Was it time to seize on that Gryffindor courage?

"I don't think you should keep it from her" James said, and then he paused and turned to Harry, and even though they were the same age, Harry even a year or two older, his heart squeezed, to look into his Fathers eyes, to get a ghost of him here.

Harry would never be raised by him, not this version of himself, he would never be given the advice he so needed throughout life, he would never know his Fathers love, not throughout his life. But right now, he could soak up just a hint of that, just a bit of that, and that would be enough, it would have to be.

"You love her right?" James said, dropping his voice, and Harry nodded, he saw a flicker of something in James face then', his Dads face, recognition and yet then he seemed to smile, "Then tell her"

"What if she doesn't feel that way?" He asked, it was like confiding in a close friend, not quite the same, but enough, it would have to be.

"I don't think you need to worry about that" James said, patted his shoulder and Harry resisted the urge to lean in. He wondered, if this had been an alternate world, and he was speaking this through with his Dad now, would his Father pull him into a hug, offer more advice, call over his Mother to give her side of things?

Harry knew he had missed out on a lot, but sometimes it hit him hard, like a punch, just how much he had never had, and even now, coming back here, it all being worth it, would still never have, not now, not ever.

As always and ironically, the only person he wanted to talk to now, as his brow furrowed, was Hermione, she would understand.

She understood him.

"But, even if she doesn't" James said, clearly thinking she did, and Harry, trying to push aside this bittersweet feeling, raised an eyebrow, had the Marauders noticed details in Hermione loving him, as they had noticed on Harry? Before he had even noticed it himself? "You'll be okay"

"You think so?" Harry asked, he knew he was drawing out the conversation, greedy for it, greedy for this interaction, to pretend he had his Father back, as his Father, just for a minute more.

"I've seen the love you two have for each other" James said seriously, even as he added the ingredients to the cauldron, he smiled as he turned back to Harry, "Even if it isn't anything more, you have, and will always have that"

Harry nodded then, and couldn't help himself to say, "I know you and Lily will too, one day"

James did scoff at that, but he laughed too, and Harry smiled.

"Somehow I'm less sure on that" James said with a frown, but it was Harry's turn to clap him on the shoulder, and grin.

"Don't worry, I can see it happening" Harry said, he could hardly say the truth, but he offered the reassurance as he tapped the fire under the cauldron and it lit, the potion bubbling.

"Are you a Seer?" James joked.

"No, but trust me" Harry said, and though James couldn't know any deeper meaning, he did smile, both of them in time to hear Hermione shriek at Sirius, for Slughorn to yell, 'Miss Blishwick no!' and some sort of explosion.

And Harry, as he watched Slughorn Accio the silver knife from Hermiones hand, Sirius was laughing on the floor, and the air around them both smoked, Hermiones hair puffier than usual, her clothes covered in ash, Harry knew what he needed to do.

What he wanted to do.

Gryffindor Courage indeed.

honestly 90% chance any marauder chapter ends in an explosion, its basically canon

ahh I loved writing this! my precious harry - did you know he's my fav HP character? and for reason, my precious boi

but yes, more next chapter, feelings, and didn't I promise a mysterious event? coming soon...

im also working on a oneshot really cool retelling of All Too Well (10 Minute Version) with Hermione and ? so keep an eye out for that!

do review/fav/follow and all that jazz