Chapter 30:

"Sine Qua Non."

I had a superpower. I could cast things out of my mind indefinitely and come back to them when I felt ready. Often times, I never came back to them, with no consequence. I figured, if I never addressed things, I wouldn't really have to deal with them again.

This head-in-the-sand philosophy had worked out quite spectacularly for me for the past eighteen years of my life. Until on one fated morning a couple of weeks after our auction headquarters shenanigans, Killua, out of nowhere, placed a question in front of me.

"Who's Luca?" he asked casually, angling his face in front of his bathroom mirror as he shaved.

I was in the middle of applying eyeliner when he posed his query, and the startle it caused resulted in a horrific black line that extended all the way to my temple. "What?"

"You heard me." His swipes continued unbothered while he spoke. "That guy that helped us out of the auction house."

I gulped, and took my time to answer. "How would I know him?"

"No use in stalling. I figured you'd get around to telling me yourself but your commitment to denial would put ostriches to shame."

Not only was I anxious at the way he was interrogating me, without a slight slip in his cool, but the fact that he wasn't even looking at me while he did so just made things more intense for some reason.

"I don't know who that guy was," I lied lamely, my tail clearly between my legs. "He just looked like someone I used to know so I addressed him as that."

"Hm," he mused, turning to gaze at me now. "Honey, I invented lying. It's insulting that you thought to use that one on me. At least be a little creative please."

I could feel myself spiraling and going red in the face simultaneously. I fished out a cleansing wipe from one of his drawers and rubbed my accidentally rendered gothic eye clean.

"Calm down," he instructed on observing my state. My nervous wiping motion was so sloppy I had caused the black smudge to take over most of my eye. "I'm not going to electrocute you."

"Can we take a raincheck for this conversation?" I pleaded, trying to steady myself. "I have class in twenty minutes."

He took out another wipe from the packet and gently rubbed my eye clean for me. "Fine. I was just surprised you knew a nen-user, that's all."

"A nen-user?" I asked confused, reattempting the liner's application.

Killua snapped his fingers and simply demonstrated a flicker of electric current emanating from his fingers.

"Oh, that," I placed, not being able to help how mesmerized I always got at those rare displays. I thought about the brief encounter with my brother that had actually resulted us in being able to escape the scene without trouble. "Those trapdoors? That's… nen?" I wondered trying to put two and two together.

"Have you been able to materialize things at will?"

"Um, no," I mumbled uselessly. I secretly wondered where in God's name the subject of our conversation had learned to unlock these mysterious and intimidating abilities. I gave up the mental chase, figuring that the only person who could answer this for me was Luca himself, and the chances of encountering him looked pretty slim from where I was.

"How does my eyeliner look?" I confirmed, trying to pathetically divert his mind.

He assessed my eye situation carefully. "Quite nice," he concluded, "if resembling a raccoon was what you were going for today."

I answered with a stony stare, before rubbing my eyes clean once more.

"Let me," he offered, taking the makeup pen from me. "You'll end up poking one of your eyes out," he predicted, taking my face in his hand as he expertly drew with the other.

The final product was two symmetrical and perfectly rendered wings on the corner of each one of my eyes. "Now, how do you know how to do that?" I questioned, my jaw practically on the floor at this point.

"You keep your secrets, I'll hold on to mine," he baited with a mischievous smile and I had no choice but to drop the matter once he posed that logic. "I'll give you a lift, I have to meet up with one of the nerds for that flash drive."

Killua had branded that term for techies in general. After he and Gon had generated a bunch of leads in the form of people who claimed they could uncrypt JCI-level sealed data and then failed to follow through, Killua had developed a strong distaste for them. However, they were still his best bet at uncovering what lied in that flash drive, so each of the boys got up every morning and scattered far and wide to obtain some sort of outcome.

Meanwhile, I was secretly conducting a decryption expedition of my own. The drive didn't only contain detailed information about Gon's dad, but also about a very dark blast from my past, which was why I was committed to cracking it open in any way.

It suddenly clicked that if I could somehow make a breakthrough with the flash drive situation, Killua would completely forget to circle back to the awkward interrogation he initiated this morning. Of course, it was a fat bet to claim that Killua Zoldyck could forget something, but this was as solid of a chance as I'd get.

I made it to class late due to an unscheduled make out session with Killua in his car. Caden was still very much there, and I was a woman with a plan when I took the empty seat next to him.

"I thought I'd hear you dropped out on my account, from the vibe I got yesterday," he commented, surprise at the core of his voice. Maybe he was shocked I was actually looking him in the eyes when he spoke for a change, or the fact that I was consciously putting myself in vicinity to him.

"What vibe?" I feigned cluelessness, faking a warm smile.

He looked perplexed but possibly convinced by my pathetic act, which I further solidified by making lots and lots of small talk with him. I eventually transitioned this into a full-fledge conversation that might give him the impression that I was incredibly interested in everything about him.

So, here was what I had in mind: when mentally juggling with the words nerds and techies, I figured, I was surrounded by a bunch of them, in class. Of course, I wasn't going to make a week's progress of acquainting with my fellow peers in a day, so the game plan was to start with Caden. If the guy was pursuing a college degree relating to data science, he definitely had something to bring to the table in that department.

Everybody likes to think they're clever. I took this up a notch and thought of myself as downright genius, and if my plan unfolded like I hoped, I would definitely live up to that thought.

A couple of hours later, I was seated at a small internet café just a five minute walk from the building where most of my classes took place. I had invited Caden over as well to subtly make unfold the plan I had devised.

"So, what I don't get is how you're in this program. Last time I remember you wanted to be a painter," I asked with equal hints of undiluted curiosity and cheekiness.

"Last I remember you were going to sell out arenas with that glorious siren voice you had," he countered, reminding me of another particularly pathetic phase of my pre-pubescent life when I had convinced myself I could sing.

I was in the middle of sipping out of a particularly hot cup of tea when he said that, and the unwelcomed jolt from those embarrassing memories had me spitting everything out.

He had a paper towel ready and was wiping the liquid mess of my lap in seconds, it seemed. I politely gestured him to stop and took over myself with another paper towel from the dispenser on the table.

"I thought you were good," he encouraged lamely with what I was sure must have been pity saturating his voice. "I got into gaming back when I started high school," he began recounting as soon as I was sitting up straight again. "And by got into I mean seriously invested to the point of being obsessed."

"How uncharacteristic for teenage boys," I commented sarcastically, thinking of how Killua and Gon still scheduled videogame showdowns as regularly as they could.

"You don't get it," he refuted, shaking his hand sideways to convey the level of passion I was missing. "I missed out on school, I was up most nights trying to figure out how to get my hands on cracks for all the latest games. I don't know if I should be admitting this but—" he stopped himself, looking around as if people might jump right out as soon as he spoke one more word.

That caught my attention. I bent my head closer to his. "What? Caden I'm not good with curiosity, I'll end up having a stomach ache all day today unless you tell me right now," I babbled, unable to control my intrigue.

"I hacked through and got the code for an entire game that wasn't even released yet that year; I mean a major game," he whispered with rushed words.

I looked at him silently for a second, and all my mind could think of was, bingo! "Whoa," I exclaimed in honest respect. "You're good with decoding and decrypting?"

"No, I'm awesome at it, at least I was," he uncovered, scratching his head pensively. "I was so afraid I'd get caught or arrested I never attempted anything of the sort again. Anyway, that's the whole story of what piqued my interest for data handling."

"Hm." I let that sit for a second, before moving on to having him fry bigger fish for me. "Um, maybe you could help me," I put out there vaguely.

"Help you?" he echoed, a little perplexed by my sudden ambiguous demand.

I fished out my laptop from my bag before I spoke, and this was good play for time because I concocted the perfect tale to put before him. "I'm stuck with a bunch of files at work that I have to decrypt."

I did feel a little nasty using as an excuse the workplace I was yet to step foot into, but this was the most plausible excuse I could come up with in the matter of seconds.

"Where are you working?" he probed, sounding surprised at what I had told him.

"At JASEC," I replied briefly, turning instead to locating the files I wanted him to check.

"Where your dad used to…" he began before realizing this must still be a tough premise for me. "That's neat."

"Yeah. Look, I'm no amateur, and I've tried every method I know to get these files to open, and nada," I narrated, rotating my laptop towards him.

He arched down to take a clearer look. "Why would your work hand you over something this complicated?" he interrogated, instead of going elbows deep into the task like I had pictured.

"It's usually not that complicated for me," I mumbled after a wordless pause.

After a silent moment from his side, he eventually decided he was done grilling me for information. "Okay, let me see what I can do, this doesn't look that hard, for me," he added as an attempt at banter. I just plastered a fake smile on my face so he wouldn't be encouraged to converse more.

A good twenty minutes later, I saw him broken into an actual sweat as he went back and forth with the inaccessible files. "This makes no sense," he reasoned, talking to himself more than anything. "This should be child's play, there's nothing protecting it!"

The streaks of moisture on his forehead concerned me, but not more than the almost manic look in his eyes.

"You know what, if it's not working, that's quite fine—" I tried coaxing him to let it go, but had barely gotten a sentence out when he interrupted me with no remorse.

"Look!" he almost shouted, pointing to the screen. "I attacked it in every way that exists, I even tried reconstructing it for heaven's sake. Where did you even get this data file from hell?"

I backed up, alarmed at the aggressive desperation in his voice. "I don't know, I think it's something from the whole security breach at the JCI that happened a couple of weeks ago." I feigned cluelessness, detailing the whole story like Killua and I weren't the ones who caused that whole shit show in the first place.

I offered him another paper towel to address the devastated state of his face at the moment. Somewhere in the middle of accepting it and then downing an entire glass of water, he managed to somewhat calm down. "It's like…" he ran his hand across one side of his face, hesitating like he couldn't find the right word for what he was about to say, "like there's some… force that's actively stopping me from decoding or even accessing everything in here."

I was about to open my mouth to ridicule his senseless description, but something instantly clicked inside my brain. I was stunned to the point of not being able to even breathe for a couple of seconds.

I slammed my laptop shut immediately, right in Caden's face. Honestly, I was past pleasantries because I was on the verge of dying with the weight of the information I had just uncovered.

"Wha-" Caden exclaimed, shocked by my sudden motion.

"I suddenly realized I'm late for work!" I lied, pointing a finger at him for no reason at all as I stood up. I had gathered by belongings in seconds and was speeding out the door before Caden might have even blinked.

I wasn't up for dancing with death while trying to embark the subway on my own for the first time, so I just booked myself an Uber and sprinted up the stairs of our apartment building in record-time.

A call to Killua on the way had confirmed that he was at home and also that I had freaked him out by the absolute demonic desperation in my voice.

"Are you hurt?" was the first question he placed in front of me, holding the door wide open before I had even reached the floor. His eyes were scanning me like he had sensors fitted in there.

I was completely out of breath, so I couldn't help but rest my hands on my knees to recuperate some. I had to muster up the last ounce of energy to shake my head before Killua went into a frenzy.

He took my bag and pulled me in like hounds were chasing after me.

Every second in that moment felt like a minute at the very least, and as an anemic whose breathing performed even less well under anxiety, I had to choose the limited words I had at my disposal wisely, otherwise the anxious man in front of me would implode. "The—flash drive data-" was all I could manage.

Killua's eyes were saturated with confusion, anger, worry, and whatnot. Thankfully Gon materialized at that very moment and was able to take everything in with a much calmer approach.

"Claire… Killua let her sit down," he instructed after quickly assessing the situation at hand. He freed me from Killua's grip and led me to the couch.

In the matter of another thirty seconds he had a glass of water ready that he offered me. I decided I would be far more useful and far less distressing to Killua if I'd gathered my wits instead of trying to rush words out of my mouth.

Killua was pacing in front of me like a madman, and if I weren't as destroyed as I currently was, I was pretty sure he would strangle me to death himself.

Once I had downed a few sips of water and felt like I could breathe without setting my lungs on fire, I began speaking. "That data in the flash drive, I was trying to find ways on my own to access it," I revealed, brushing my hair out of my eyes. "And I tried everything, and at the back of my mind something was missing— something that didn't quite add up as to why those files are so out of reach."

Killua moved closer to me, and I was sure he had no idea he was doing so. "What are you getting to? Of course that data is sealed the way it is, this is intelligence-level information."

I shook my head, I so badly wanted to explain this the right way, but I felt like I was falling short of words here. I finally decided to just get to the point instead of running circles with a holy-grail, well-rounded, perfectly intriguing explanation that simply wasn't going to come to me. "Killua, that data is sealed with nen."

I swear I could feel the way both boys jolted on hearing those words. Their first instinct in the presence of uncertainty was to always turn to each other, and that was exactly what they did in that moment as well.

The sheer power of their gazes was palpable, and for a moment I felt like maybe I could decipher a little of their private code too. Only a handful of seconds had passed before their telepathic conference was over and Killua had bolted to retrieve the flash drive in question and my laptop.

I found myself wedged between the two boys as they sat down to address the matter in question. "So, you're saying there's nen, and in the data nonetheless, not the flash drive," Killua discerned, placing the screen right in front of me.

"If it was just confined to the flash drive, I wouldn't have a problem accessing the data that I've transferred elsewhere. Come to think of it, it wouldn't even be possible for the data to be moved anywhere else if that was the case," I considered, turning to look at Killua without realizing how close his face was.

"Huh," he said at that, not being affected by the proximity or the sudden meeting of our gazes in any way.

"Is that even possible, Killua?" Gon questioned, not looking like he was too sure of the theory.

"There's nothing to say it isn't; remember the memory card Ging left for you? How Milluki wasn't able to recreate the game out of it? Greed Island is proof that technology and nen can definitely mix."

I wanted to so badly ask who Milluki was, but something told me that there was no room for my ill-timed nosiness at the moment.

Gon scratched his head at that, while Killua took the flash drive and looked as if his mind was somewhere else. "She's right, there's definitely a lot of nen in this," he confirmed, then placed a hand on the laptop's console. "We're screwed."

"What?" Gon and I asked in unison at his ominous verdict.

"This is very powerful nen, and whoever's it is can definitely track it's presence as long as it's an acceptable proximity."

I didn't even pretend I could understand anything of what he just said, but the look of shock on Gon's face was enough to tell me that this wasn't a routine matter scare.

"Wait," Killua said to no one in particularly, holding up a finger. "The good news is that we've been passing this data out from one device to another, it's practically everywhere. So, right now, there's nothing actually linking this to us and our location in particular."

"And you guys made the trip out to Noda right after you took it, so whoever's nen that is wouldn't have been able to keep track," Gon offered.

"Assuming that the owner was close by," Killua inserted immediately. "I would've recognized and remembered an aura that strong, I'm sure of it."

"If they had decided to show it in the first place," Gon chimed in with reason. "Back in the auction room I could tell that a lot of people were using Zetsu, I could barely feel them there."

"In plain English for us commoners?" I pleaded at last, being unable to bite my tongue any longer.

Killua looked like he had forgotten I was there sandwiched in between them. "All you need to know is that we may have gotten ourselves a target on our backs by coming here with this flash drive and the data in it."

"Okay, but how are you guys going to access the data? Can't you do a ninja nen chop or something to get it to open?" I questioned instead, being much more interested in the workings of nen than any potential peril that might have been staring us in the face.

On either side of me I could see a matching perplexed expression. "I swear to God Claire, whenever my mind starts working up the possibility that you could be smart, you go all out in proving me wrong the next second," Killua said exasperated, looking like he was actively restraining himself from doing a face-palm.

"How about that electricity thing you do?" I attempted, being too fascinated by the idea to care how stupid I sounded.

"Oh, right," Killua said, actually looking convinced. "That can actually solve a problem." He put his hand in contact with my laptop again and a second later I watched as bouts of current made their way from his finger to the device.

My eyes popped out when I saw the smoke coming out of it, with the screen going black. "Killua! You fried my laptop!" Describing my state as horrified was criminally an understatement.

"With good reason," he calmly stated, easily grabbing a hold of my hands as I uselessly tried to smack him. "That laptop was full of traces of who-knows-what's nen, which means you would have been at risk, having it with you."

"And you had to kill it for that? You couldn't even let me take my data out?" I asked, my voice getting shriller by the second.

"Who's to say that no nen traces pass on to wherever you transfer that data? It's an infinite loop of possibilities we want to avoid," he countered easily, not even looking a tad bit remorseful at destroying the device that essentially held my life's work. Okay, there was no actual work to begin with, but the forced and sudden separation hurt.

I opened my mouth to brand him an asshole, but Killua had already moved on from my woes. "As for how we're going to address actually getting to that data… we're going to need help. There has to be someone who knows how to navigate this sort of thing," he was fully addressing Gon when he announced this. "All the big guns."

Gon nodded loyally, and I immediately knew that Killua would keep me out of the loop with this one.

"You owe me a laptop," I said, attempting to sound menacing, just as Gon walked out of the room on whatever Killua's instructions meant.

Killua nodded, still unaffected by my anger. I was starting to question whether I even looked mad at this point. "And a hair appointment," he attached, not the least bit afraid of the risk associated with his mistimed jesting.

I opened and closed my mouth in that sequence for a couple of seconds until I couldn't quite manage the rage I wanted to portray. "What are the big guns?" I asked instead, trying to bargain my silence for information.

"The big guns?" he echoed while inching his face closer, making sure I saw how his gaze travelled from my eyes to my chest and stayed there.

I felt like I would explode from the absurdity of how he was handling me and the situation. "You're a disgusting piece of work, Killua," I spat, standing up to put some space between us.

"Work me then…" he began enticingly, his hand gripping the tight-string of the hoodie I was wearing; he twisted it around one of his fingers to inch me closer.

I stepped a little further back to put an end to that attempt. "You just destroyed my laptop, made fun of my hair, and objectified me in a serious conversation. You must be out of your mind if you think that's foreplay."

"You know I'll replace your crappy laptop, your split ends could cut through stone at this point, and you have a great rack; stating facts and doing you favors should win me some serious points in the bedroom."

I narrowed my eyes at him. The only retort that my mind could come up with at that point was to pick up my totaled laptop and hand it to him. "I want the newer model, with the rose gold panel back."

"Noted. First I'll have to make sure to throw this one down an abyss somewhere, just in case someone thinks to look for it here," he detailed, holding the device between his fingers like it weighed less than a feather.

I was in no mood to be impressed by his sexy displays of strength, so I angled my face to a side before walking in the direction of my room.

"Just a heads up, there are going to be people over the next couple of days, quite a few of them too," he reported, knowing well that that would have me pausing in my steps.

After a silent couple of seconds, I just stomped my foot and groaned, before zooming to my room. The word zooming was open to interpretation here, because everyone and their grandma knew how well coordinated foot movement and speed mixed for me.

I wasn't quite sure what was up with my verbal faculty today; I was usually whip-fast in delivering the most belligerent of comebacks to Killua's words, but something was off. Maybe secretly falling deeper in love with this man would ultimately render me crippled in the craft of speaking itself. I internally shuddered at the thought of becoming a love-sick mush over time.

"You're thinking out loud again dumbass!" Killua informed loudly from the adjacent lounge, pushing me out of my train of thought directly into the deepest sea of embarrassment.

The only thing I could do after that mortifying blow was slam my door as hard as I could and retire until the following day.

On a Wednesday afternoon, I made my way onto what I could confidently say was the busiest block in all of York new City. My first thought on entering this visually and sonically overwhelming metropolis had been that I could kiss my very rigid comfort zone goodbye. The same thought made its way into my socially anxious brain as I stood before the vertically unending building of the JASEC, trying to lift my eyes high up enough to spot its apex.

The JASEC's edifice was once tucked between the city's well-known auction house and one of its biggest hotels, where only crazy rich people made stays. That was until last year when the auction building was absolutely annihilated by the Zoldyck family's unexpected strafe, where my father had lost his life. Somehow, the JASEC's office had come out standing after the ordeal; the damage it sustained quite minimal in comparison to its two adjacent counterparts that didn't live to tell the tale.

A factor that made this one of busiest and noisiest parts of all York new city was definitely the large-scale construction going on all around the area. Rebuilding the auction house was a big project, and the racket it came with was not something I was looking forward to as I contemplated on the kind of run I would have in this place.

There was a lot to unpack here if I wanted to explain my feelings the right way. After following through with an internship earlier this year on reaching out to my father's old colleagues, the company was very firm on keeping me. When I had informed them I would be moving to the other side of the country, they were quick to bring up how convenient that would be for their other division.

I wasn't too surprised about how eager they were, not even when they offered me a way nicer paycheck than I'd expected for a job that would be part-time at best. I knew I was good at doing whatever they needed done from me, because I had basically spent my entire adolescence as the shadow of one of their very best employees to date. That also brought to mind how this was one of the very last places my dad had been before he passed away.

It was downright awful how little I thought of him lately considering just how big of a part of my life he had been, somehow still was, too. I was just so used to shielding my mind from the weight of reminiscing; getting over my dad's death had been the hardest thing I have had to do to date, no questions asked. I still saw him everywhere: in the misted sadness hiding behind my mom's sparkling eyes, in Katie's smile, in my nonna's obsessive care.

The truth was that it's absolutely exhausting having to remind myself of that tragedy whenever I feel the inclination to laugh, or feel bliss, or be in love, or just experience life as the force of nature that it is. I was good at shelfing thoughts away, but packing away memories like this always has a way of sneaking back to you. In the chills I got at every other night, waking from a dream I remembered nothing about, but knew exactly everything of. In the hint of guilt I experienced every single moment that made me feel grateful to still be here; kissing Killua, breathing in the autumn air, watching my sister's small hands curl around my finger still.

I shook my head. I was winding myself up sentimentally, and it would come back to bite me in the ass at the end of the day. It would probably end with Killua rubbing my back and handing me tissues every five seconds, and hesitantly confirming whether my period was due soon.

There were a lot of reasons other than the thoughts of my dad's legacy being here that had me fight for this one so obstinately with Killua. For one thing, it wasn't lost on me just how detached my parents had raised me from the reality of being a teenager.

The only time in my life before this that I had considered getting a job was when I was sixteen and everyone I knew had a summer job, and Naomi took it upon herself to remind me of that seething fact until I felt like an absolute loser. I remember just bringing up the idea in front of my parents ended in my mom's hysterical cries that stemmed from a distorted conversation of their inability to give me a good life. I had to put an end to that scene with repeated promises and proclamations of just how great they were as parents and highlighting with due exaggeration everything they had done for me.

I fully understand the sheer strength of the love my parents had, and have for me, and I'll never quite be able to understand how some things feel when you choose the entire course of a child's life by bringing them into your own home, and not into the world. I can only imagine just how well you'd want to shield them from anything and everything.

But now that all of this wasn't lost on me, I needed to step things up and at least try to integrate a sense of normalcy into my life. It would also be nice to have some semblance of autonomy, especially on the money front. It was embarrassing accepting pin money from my mother, who all but pushed it down my throat.

Killua and Gon had their own mysteriously unending stash of money that my alpha-male boyfriend loved to shower on me when the smallest excuse presented itself.

"Investments babe, investments," Killua had enlightened when I once asked him how they could afford chasing after his dad without having time for much else.

I was set on squirming my way out of the suffocating embrace that the people I loved had locked me into, and that mission for me started right as I stepped foot into the larger than life entrance of my new office.

I informed the receptionist of who I was, and had just cleared everything relating to my documentation when a nasal voice greeted me, butchering my name in a way that was unfortunately too familiar.

Benjiro was one of my dad's oldest work buddies, and even though I had a fairly common name, he had managed to mispronounce it in a way that gave off the impression that he spoke with an Australian accent. Disclaimer though, he didn't have the faintest connection to Australia, he was just annoying.

"Claayre, glad you could finally make it," he greeted, adjusting his too-big-for-his-face glasses.

I had to actively restrain my face from scrunching in displeasure at the sight of him. I really had nothing against the man, and he was nice enough. But ever since I was ten, I suspected he nursed a very potent crush on my mom, a suspicion that was all but confirmed when he followed up the welcome with:

"How's your mother doing? I trust she's good."

"Yeah, she's fine," I replied briefly, following him across several corridors until we reached the staff elevator. I was counting on my work station being close to the ground floor; I wasn't big on heights but that isn't exactly something one would put on their resume.

When he realized he wouldn't be receiving any more updates from my on my family, he thankfully progressed to walking me through my expected work schedule and the tasks he had lined up for me. I tripped as soon as we made our way on to my second floor desk and Ben gave me a pitiful look that I immediately resented, other than that the work day was, absolutely and thankfully, uneventful.

I stepped out a couple of minutes before the clock hit seven. My plan of frequenting the subway was still being theoretically developed, and I just booked a cab because the thought of walking alone a significant distance in the dark freaked me out.

Not that I was about to admit this to Killua, who would've milked the fuck out of it. "What did I say in the first place?" I could almost him gloating in his husky voice over his being right all the damn time. He would also proceed to be parked right in front of this very building every evening at this very clock strike, on the dot.

The only reason he even agreed to this arrangement was because I promised I would let him track my location at all times. The amount of trust my boyfriend had in my ability to remain alive was refreshing, but the pathetic part was, I couldn't blame him.

I was mentally sorting through all of the reckless and absolutely embarrassing feats I had accomplished till date when I made my way into the apartment. This was why when I shut the door and turned around I was so taken aback by the sight of the four men before me.

On the sectional couch right in the middle of the living room sat Killua, a spiky-haired man dressed in the kind of blue that actually hurt one's eyes, Gon, and at a little distance, an almost shoulder-length blond-haired man with a no-bullshit sort of air to him. The most appalling thing about this sight was that they were all looking directly at me.

I blinked a couple of times, too flustered to say anything, turning to Killua with questions in my eyes. "Come here," he instructed, reaching out a hand to encourage me.

"This is Claire," Gon phased in, saving me from a couple of more seconds involving an awkward and mortifying silence. "Killua's in love with her."

The second of quietude that followed immediately transitioned into the loudest affair I'd ever heard. "AHA!" Exclaimed the dark haired man, holding on to the tiny pair of glasses he had perched on his nose, with one hand. While the other pointed in Killua and I's direction.

It was that sinister accessory that suddenly reminded me that I had already met this man, and the circumstances surrounding it were anything but pleasant. I felt the full force of the heat that was creeping to my face on recalling that encounter.

"Uh, I haven't yet worked up telling her that myself, but thank you Gon," Killua answered, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.

"Claire, this is Leorio and Kurapika," Gon informed me, gesturing at each name's owner somewhere in the mid of this very tough to follow conversation.

I waved feebly at both, and Kurapika acknowledged it with a nod, probably being the only person in the room to be able to tell just how nervous I was. I knew of him because he was the reason we were able to make it to this year's auction in the first place. I also knew that he was supremely pissed with Killua over the entire ordeal. I had very clearly heard the extent of his anger on a fated day when his voice was loud enough for me to make out when Killua took his call following the debacle.

"You have to forgive us Claire," Leorio began, apparently fully over our initial meeting. "This is the first time any of us have met a girlfriend of Killua's." All of the men except Killua were seconding that with nods that were a tad bit too animated. "I mean there were girls but—"

"Oy, dudes!" Killua stepped in, raising a hand. "I'm trying to stay in this relationship."

"We're acting as your wingmen here," he justified, looking on either side of him for assent, which he was provided with immediately.

"Okay, you clearly don't know the workings of the female brain then," Killua shot back, shaking his head.

"Claire, you don't mind if we delve into that do you? We just have a lot of Killua's theories from the olden days we need to unpack."

So far, I was just following the exchange with my eyes. "Uh… Oh, no, knock yourselves out. Facilitating a joint Killua takedown is a moral duty to us all."

My remark was met with roars of laughter. "What was it that he used to say?" Leorio pretended to struggle with recalling. "Monogamy is biologically impossible."

I turned to Killua at that, who was biting his lip at just how tied his hands were at the moment.

"He said he would sing karaoke butt naked if he was ever with a girl for longer than a week!" Gon reminded, enjoying the situation in abundance.

"Is that so?" I asked Killua, who had now buried his face in his hands.

"I don't recall saying anything of the sort," he mumbled through his fingers.

"I distinctly remember him explaining to us how the correct term for love was infatuation, and it was psychologically proven that it could only last a couple of months at most," Kurapika chimed in; it was the first time he had spoken since I came into the picture, and I was surprised with how composed his voice was and the almost-feminine quality it had to it.

"Not you too," Killua muttered in exasperation.

"Fascinating," I concluded, trying to stretch this one was far as I could. "It appears Killua was a scientist of sorts."

"A relationship wizard, if you will," Leorio added.

"A very intentional researcher of human companionship," Kurapika contributed.

Gon was grinning from ear to ear at this point, and I could tell her waited quite a while for this exact scene to roll around.

"I guess there's just one thing left to ask," I began, turning to look at Killua to build the right kind of suspense. "When are you giving us that butt naked karaoke performance?"

And you could only call it Karma how the whole room erupted in laughter at that, and kept doing so in successions over something Killua had said or done, all well into the rest of the night.

Killua sighed just as he shut the door to my room and plopped on my bed. He had just treated the whole lot of us to a particularly excellent dinner of steak and potatoes; I believe this was the only bargain he could resort to on figuring out that the cases against him weren't going to exhaust any time soon.

I could practically feel the smile in my cheeks still from laughing excessively for the past couple of hours. Hearing of Killua's past misgivings and tales was exhilarating. Also, it wasn't like he was too big on recounting his old adventures, so partaking in a lengthy conversation with his friends helped me fill a lot of the blanks about his life.

"The amount of glee on your face right now should be illegal," he determined, scooting closer to me. He had to give up his room for his guests, and I wasn't complaining about it at all.

"I have a question to ask you," I began, slowly tracing my finger on his face.

"Of course you do," he assented, closing his eyes to feel my touch. "Shoot."

"What your friends said- the way you used to think, what made you change your mind when it came to me?" I navigated, knowing that I wasn't wording this in the most eloquent of ways, but I was just so curious that that wasn't something I found myself caring much about.

"Would it be the absolute worst answer to admit that I have no idea?"

"Worse than worst," I pressed, outlining the shape of his perfect lips as I spoke.

"Well, what made you fall in love with me? I don't think you'd have anything particular singled out," he contemplated, his eyebrows moving up and down with that thought.

"I do actually, a whole list. Very specific," I informed, and his eyes popped open at that.

"Really? I have to be alert for this one." He rolled over to rest his head on his palm. "I just thought you fell for my crazy good looks, but if there's more, it's always welcome."

"Yes, because your ego could really use that," I teased, my mouth unable to keep from breaking into a smile.

"Baby, I have to know. Tell me at least one thing," and the way he said that, I could tell there really was a strong need, almost a validation of some sort he wanted from my words. I couldn't for the life of me understand how a man this perfect would need a single reason as to why I was in love with him.

"The way you care, it's effortless," I revealed quietly, "in the way that you bring someone you barely know a sandwich on their work break, or the way you care whether your best friend's sleep might be interrupted if someone spoke a little too loud… I mean, you just know how to take care of people, how can anyone not love that?"

He blinked at my little confession. The thing about Killua was that no matter how secure and up-to-speed he claimed to be, he didn't really know most of his merits. I could see that behind that smug smile and overpowering demeanor, there was a boy that never quite got the love and care he deserved.

This was why he was always left breathless when I professed my love for him, or why he was so shocked on hearing that he was good at caring. It was also why he wasn't able tell me he loved me, while his actions screamed that every day with a roaring intensity. In the way he always fastened my seatbelt for me, made sure I ate, and looked at me like I was someone he could simply not do without. Sine qua non type of shit really. I wish I could somehow impart to him that he was that and more to me, but I could never be quite as effortless with that as he was.

"When did you know?" he asked in a whisper, and he didn't have to complete that sentence for me to understand what he was asking of me. This was going to be sacred information for him, and something that he would engrave in his heart, so holding back or providing a vague answer could never be an option.

"When I sat next to you at the hospital after you brought my mom in," I admitted, taken by the sheer impact of that memory, and my voice trembled. "I wanted to tell you right then and there, and then when I came to your place to find you, I wanted to say it then too."

I didn't know when, but we had locked fingers somewhere in the midst of this conversation.

"It's practically impossible not to love someone who shows up and cares again and again, even when you're the last person who deserves it," I told him, silently also expressing my shame over how I had behaved with him all those months when he had been nothing but kind to me.

"You always deserved it," he refuted, planting the gentlest kiss on my lips. "I was never mad at you, not once."

I just rested my head in the curve of his neck and waited for the little fake-display of gloating that he would use to diffuse the intensity of this moment.

"So, I'm impossible not to love me, huh?" There it is, I thought to myself.

"Uh-huh, not as impossible as monogamy though," I poked back, loving just how perfect of a window his little line had given me.

He groaned and sunk his face into the pillow, leaving me rolling to the other side of the bed. I couldn't help the giggles escaping me.

"Thin walls," Killua reminded me in a muffled voice.

I did eventually tone it down a bit because he was right and I was pretty sure everyone else in the house was asleep.

"You're killing me," he lamented, lying face down once more.

Something about the helpless expression he was sporting made me go soft. "I love you," I told him, cupping his face with one hand. There was something awfully adorable about Killua when he was lost for words.

"I don't quite understand how grilling and romancing me in succession fits together, but I'm all for it," he approved, pulling me in for a kiss as he talked. "Might I also suggest…" his proposition was pretty clear in the way his lips were moving with mine.

"Thin walls," I reminded him, pulling back.

"You never have a problem doing it when it's just Gon in the next room," he countered like the creep he was.

"Gon's snores can put lawn mowers to shame," I specified, holding back a chortle on seeing how upset Killua actually looked at that.

"On another note," I steered, tilting his face up. "Are we expecting more guests? I'd like a heads up."

He nodded. "But the rest are just going to be brief visits," he assured, knowing well the extent of my social battery.

"Did you guys figure out something about that nen thing?"

"Nothing yet, I'm hoping to make more progress with that tomorrow though," he said vaguely as he dipped his head a little, suddenly looking like his mind was elsewhere. This demanded a little change of pace I thought.

"Hey, ask me about my first day at work," I suggested, tilting his face up again.

"Huh, work… okay," he scoffed, rolling his eyes too to express his distaste more prominently.

"Why are you so pissed at that?" I asked him flat-out, resisting the urge to pull his hair.

"Because you're only doing that whole charade to drive me insane," he blabbered like the true asshole he was.

"Oh, that makes a whole lot of sense," I applauded, making sure my voice was thickly coated in sarcasm. "My world doesn't revolve around you, you know."

"Of course it does," he dismissed, like what I said was the most absurd thing in the world. "And what I really want to know about you work day-" I tried to ignore the air quotes I could hear in his voice again "-is about that guy who has the hots for your mom."

"You're disgusting," I told him, pushing his face back, but not even managing to distance him even an inch.

"Why?" he instead demanded, completely unaffected by my reaction.

"Because that's my mom, she can't date and stuff," I mumbled, a little flustered.

Killua raised an eyebrow at that. "You're telling me you've never even considered the possibility that your mom could actually like someone again?"

"Well, why would she? She loves my dad," I responded in a beat, realizing more than ever that I sounded quite a lot like child desperately trying to hold on to the idea of Santa being real.

Killua's eyebrow went up higher. "So, let me get this straight. You expect her to not have anyone in her life ever again?"

I gulped, feeling overwhelmingly uncomfortable with the turn this conversation had taken. "I don't- not expect that…"

"That's a little unfair," he remarked softly, him being the one to tilt my face up this time, but he just needed the tip of his finger to manage that. "Have you ever thought about lonely she might be?"

"She's not lonely, she's got Katie."

He said nothing further, simply moving his hand to tuck an unkempt lock of my hair behind my ear. I respected the space he was giving me during this reality check.

This exchange was probably the last thing I would have wanted to have, and Killua might have been the last person I wanted to have it with. But, for some reason, I found a question materializing at the tip of my tongue before I could even weigh it. "Do you remember my dad?"

He looked at me for a couple of seconds before responding. "From what little interaction I had with him, yes I do."

"Did you like him?" I demanded, sounding a little desperate.

"Exceptionally," he promised, not delaying the answer one second.

"I think I'm remembering him less and less every day," I confessed, my voice toning down to a whisper, "It's like- I used to be able to recall things about him easily, but it's not that easy anymore." I didn't even have to check to make sure I was crying or not, Killua's slightly helpless expression already told me everything I needed to know.

He took that in for an instant before presenting an answer. "That's completely okay, you know why?" he reassured, his composure was always something I was in awe of.

I just shook my head, not being able to manage any words.

"Because you're not the only person who loves your dad," he reminded me, "there are plenty of memories of him to go around. If you forget, there are always others to remind you, and I bet you have some very awesome ones you can remind them of too."

I considered that for a moment, and decided I liked the idea. I liked how Killua was able to come up with the most simple of solutions to my insane problems. I knew the little sentimental reminiscing I did before heading inside the JASEC building this morning would come demanding payback later on, I just didn't know it would come so soon.

"Hey, what about we sneak out to that little dessert place near Continental Street?" he tabled, wiping my silent traitor tears with the sleeve of his shirt.

I decided I liked that idea too. "And you'll let me have more than two scoops this time?" I bargained, making sure my eyes showed how fresh my emotional episode still was.

"As many as you want baby," he promised, helping me up by intertwining both of our hands and then unexpectedly pulling me in for a kiss.

This was one said something deeper. It was like he was trying to contain everything he couldn't say into that one gesture. Any day now, my heart told me. I felt like a mesmerized child when he pulled back and stared at me.

"Ready?" he asked ceremonially, turning around to step into his shoes.

"Yes," I confirmed, but what I was ready for, he had no idea of yet, and I was getting impatient now.

The whisper that your lips still lack,

Your gestures more than make up for that.