Chapter: 37

"Cold War."

The days and weeks following Killua's insane verdict were weird, lonely, and downright sad. It wasn't like the other times when there was an open declaration of war. No, this time around, it was exceptionally frustrating because he had me playing the part of a stoic nun and I was going along with it.

To someone who looked at this from the outside, everything was very normal. Killua still talked to my mom every day when she called us, all bright and cheery. He still addressed me cordially and I reciprocated on surface matters like forgetting to put the milk carton back in the fridge or unloading the dishwasher. But beyond those insignificant interactions, he stayed true to his words: there really was nothing between us.

First and foremost, I did feel bad for myself, but if there was someone at a close second on my deserving of mercy list, it was poor old Gon. The guy had to navigate this strange cold war while also pretending nothing even slightly out of the ordinary was going on.

For instance, when he came back the day Killua had left his mark of impact on the nice kitchen island, he naturally had some questions.

"Oh, that's on me, I tripped," Killua covered so flimsily I was surprised he even bothered.

"You tripped on the kitchen island?" Gon probed, examining the nasty web of cracks. His eyes then moved to me for reason.

I could offer nothing but an unenthusiastic eye roll.

"It happens," Killua continued, "you'd be surprised at the statistics."

"Right," Gon assented, just to put an end to that ridiculous conversation, I presumed.

While Killua was amply sour and distant, I did still try to seize any and all opportunities to reason with him without pushing it too far.

One day when he was sprawled on the couch, playing a video game on the giant screen and Gon was conveniently missing from the scene, I sat myself down on the armrest and silently watched for a little bit. I was trying to muster up the courage to speak.

"Do you want something?" he asked, probably annoyed at my looming there.

"Uh… yes. I had a question actually."

"Hm?" He allowed, barely looking interested as the light on his face changed with the scenes of the game he was playing.

"I know I'm supposed to sort of stay in my lane, but I was wondering... if I had something really important to tell you— like say life-and-death type important, would you be willing to listen?"

For a few seconds he just silently kept focused on his game, his fingers moving in furtive motions that were so fast they were making me kind of dizzy. I wasn't sure if he just wasn't going to speak anymore or what. "Is it something you haven't had any opportunity whatsoever to tell me before right now?" he eventually interrogated. There was a hidden implication there if I should dare to even try to be sneaky.

I considered his question. In the scenario of having someone tailing me, not telling him immediately when it happened would be a fact that would probably get me into even more trouble. Not to mention how it would further unearth the big chunk of other lies I was keeping. I decided this one didn't qualify.

As for the matter of seeing Gon's dad, which I did have all intentions of telling him, I could have passed that on through a call or text too. There was also the slight inconvenience of that not amounting to anything because Ging Freecss still wasn't budging. And again, my brother's connection to it and other lies also naturally came to the surface with that one. Okay, so this one didn't qualify either.

"Uh… no, I guess I did," I eventually reasoned.

"Then I think you shouldn't have any problem holding onto these things until further notice. You're a seasoned expert at this point," he taunted, not taking his eyes off the screen once.

It was the 'further notice' part that had me feeling queasy. What was it? Days? Weeks? Could it be years? It was frustrating on many levels. In addition to the indefinite timeline of Killua's 'break' from us, he had also completely excluded me from any and all developments that had happened on their trip. I didn't attempt to ask Gon and accidentally break one of Killua's new insane set of rules.

Not that any of that mattered, I realized, feeling very defeated. The target of their chase was probably just a few miles away, too busy acting like an asshole to be reasoned with.

There was also another layer of frustration that pertained to the way my body felt on any accidental glance at or proximity to Killua, and the fact that I could do absolutely nothing about it. Once again, Killua drew the boundaries of what was and wasn't allowed with us. Physically that meant no contact whatsoever, not any meaningful one at least.

Just the other day, I was walking into the laundry room right as Killua was coming out. The result of this strange coincidence was that we were trapped in a little dance where we both moved to one direction and then the next at the same time. It happened so many times that it was ridiculous at this point, so he eventually put his hands on my shoulders to keep me in place and tried to circle around me and out.

That would have worked, except I thought to back into the edge so he had his space. That created another extremely awkward traffic jam where we were both stuck in the door frame momentarily. The frame was so narrow that our chests were touching one another. The distance between our faces was almost non-existent. I was probably completely flushed and he looked very irritated.

I had to take a few minutes to catch my breath after that encounter. That said more about my dead sex life than anything ever could. This was a fact I was trying not to dwell too much on. Despite it all, I still played nice, even though sometimes that meant resisting the urge to rip Killua's shiny hair off.

I should have been conferred a medal, the strong evidence of which rested in how absolutely petty Killua could be. When he had figured out that I'd settled to not reacting to his silent treatment and continued making effort, he moved on to other pursuits.

Like, how one day I was catching up on a trashy episode from a reality TV show I liked, and he decided to plop down on the couch next to me and change the channel. It was at a scene I'd been waiting to see for a week, so I barely contained the impulse to smack him.

I was already in a mood because I'd just had a midterm that day that didn't go as well as I'd planned. It wasn't like I could get some quality studying done with everything that was going on. To spare no expense, Ben had decided to especially test my temper today at work. I was annoyed.

"I was watching that," I informed him, through gritted teeth.

"That's too bad," he mocked, arms crossed around his chest, and pretending to look invested in what appeared to be a documentary about industrial waste.

The indifferent look on his face was so infuriating; I decided then and there that I was done playing on the defensive. It had been weeks of this shit show. I took the remote control from right next to him and switched the channel back.

Of course, there was no way in hell I believed for even a second that he'd let that go unreciprocated. It hadn't been even a total of thirty seconds since my answering fire that he'd changed the channel back.

I snatched the device from his hands, flipped back to my show, and hugged the remote between my arms so he'd think twice before reaching for it. Turns out I underestimated his competitiveness because he had no problem attempting to get it from my grasp. Regardless of where his hands were touching and for how long. I was almost tempted to wonder if he was doing this on purpose.

The TV screen kept flashing one channel and then another, while we wrestled on. From fighting sisters to trash flowing into river beds. The struggle continued to the point where I was lying upside down on the couch, with my legs dangling over the backrest. "I was here first, asshole," I grunted, elbowing him away, and then eventually resorting to biting one of his hands.

"Ow! What the fuck you little pest," he shot back, drawing his fingers back.

I readjusted my position, thinking I'd emerged as victor here. Until an unreadable expression crossed his evil face. I still had the remote control tightly in my grasp and had now turned to finally watch my show in peace. My triumph was cut short when suddenly, the channel changed again.

I was confused, seeing as the controller was still in my possession. That was until I saw the smug look that he was sporting. I pressed the button again to revert back, and the channel switched back again. That was when I realized he was doing this with his freaky what's-their-name powers.

"Oh, you are so petty! That's not fair!" I could tell that he was a lot less mad than he had been up till now. That's why this exchange was even taking place in the first place. But I was so sour that I couldn't think of that as a win right now.

"I think you know how the premises of what's fair and what's not work in war," he reminded, not looking the least bit ashamed. I decided I had my Killua asshole quota for the day filled to the brim.

I got up and stomped to the front door like a child who had been told about bedtime.

"Where are you going?" He demanded from the couch. It was like Killua had some kind of monitor installed that instructed him to push me to my limit and then shift into changing strategy once he had gotten me there.

I was quickly putting on my boots, the task felt harder and more frustrating because I was mad. My teeth were clenched so tight I felt like my jaw would break. "I'm going on a stupid walk for my stupid mental health."

With that, I was out and headed in no particular direction. My only point of orientation was that I had to put as much distance as I could between me and Killua. Because if I didn't do that I'd either end up punching him or kissing him or both. Neither of these options would do me any good right now.

It was a little ways on that I realized I had forgotten to grab a jacket in my hurry to storm out. It was late November at this point and fairly cold. I don't exaggerate when I say that my teeth started chattering, I had a feeling I would be getting sick in the morning. That was the last thing I needed in my already splendid streak of weeks.

I began contemplating if five minutes was enough time to be categorized as a walk and whether it would count as admitting defeat if I headed back to the apartment right now. That was when I felt a set of hands wrapping around me.

This was Killua and I was tucked safely in the warm embrace of his coat. "Do you want to get sick?" He asked, craning his neck to look at me.

"What's it to you?" I challenged, to hide the pang of longing I felt for him.

"I forbade you from going out alone when it's dark," he pressed instead of answering my question.

That just about did it. "Forbade me?" I repeated in disbelief. "I'm sorry, I had no idea you had parental rights over me now."

"You're so annoying," he began, the frustration clear in his voice. "It's like you took an oath to make everything impossible—"

"Oh, I make everything impossible?" I interjected, talking over him. "What about you handing out death sentences over minor offenses—"

"Minor offenses? And here I was thinking that you'd realized-" he stopped halfway in that sentence, his eyes widening.

"Why so speechless now? Finally realized-" I shot, seizing the opportunity. But he didn't let me really get anywhere with that by clamping a hand on my mouth.

"Shut up, shut up!" He was pointing straight ahead of him, which I now realized was where he was looking in the first place.

Killua and I had accidentally come across the most unexpected sight of our lives. Standing there like a couple of idiots, me with his coat around my shoulders and his hand over half of my face. If our eyes didn't betray us, we were witnessing Gon Freecss getting all giggly with a very pretty girl.

They were standing face to face with ice cream cones in their hands. Gon towered over her with his height and build, his eyes did not stray away from her face for a second. The next second, he leaned in to kiss the mystery girl. It was strange, it was like watching your brother make out with someone. Sweet, but also a bit sickening.

Suddenly, it started playing like a montage: Gon's weird unexpected absences, always whip-quick to nominate himself for any kind of run. I just remembered one time he headed out on the pretense of grabbing batteries in the dead of the night. Neither of us idiots had even considered thinking about that twice. That time he was flustered when Killua asked him where he was when they were waiting on Bisky. I know the exact same retrospective was rushing through Killua's brain too.

"Eh?" Killua exclaimed, sounding absolutely staggered. I realized he was about to act on the impulse to embarrass Gon and make him uncomfortable. In Killua's eyes, this was comedic gold.

Which was why I was quick to elbow him in his stomach. The element of surprise that I had availed immediately was the only thing that had allowed me to make an impact with him.

My sudden move had gotten his hand off my mouth, and now I returned the favor. "Don't you dare motherfucker," I warned, climbing on top of him to further push him back.

We probably looked even more idiotic now. Me clinging to him with one arm and my legs around him, while my other hand clasped his mouth shut. He had acted on reflex and put a hand under my butt to keep me steady.

Until he silently swore with his eyes that he wouldn't dart over to Gon, I didn't remove my hand. "You are demonic," he declared, adding another hand under me to hold me better. Neither of us had any idea what was going on here. That didn't stop the sudden pool of heat from gathering in my lower abdomen.

We just looked at each other for what seemed like a very long time. Then Gon's animated chatter drew our eyes away from one another. The reality of this was hard to phrase. Gon Freecss had a girlfriend. He was secretly dating behind our backs. Were we in the right universe?

I had to practically force Killua to come back to the apartment and leave Gon alone. "So, Mr. Goodie-Two-Shoes is boning now," he mused as soon as we were through the front door.

"You are absolutely gross, Killua." I was trying to get my boots off, and they were getting stuck at the heel. "They could just be spending time with each other right now, I'm pretty sure it's new."

"Yeah, right," he brushed off with an eye roll as he bent down to help me in my struggle. "I'm pretty sure that's all he's doing with the way he's been rushing off every other hour."

I made a face at the scenario he had proposed. "We've been together for a while now, I'm sure you remember it took a whole year for us to get to that stage," I reminded as he moved to address the second boot. It was ridiculous how we were hard-wired to jump into old patterns.

"Those were special circumstances," he reasoned, placing the boots in the shoe closet next to the entrance. "Gon's too much of a goodie-goodie to resort to hiding his identity."

I had made myself comfortable on the couch now as I prepared to debunk his theory further. "Okay, so what about now? We're technically still together, I'm pretty sure your virginity is growing back as we speak, and we still unfortunately find things to do together. Even though that's always some form of arguing…" I considered, waiting to see how he'd counter that.

To my surprise, he burst out laughing. "You're… insane," he said slowly with a shake of his head, sounding really amused. I wasn't sure whether I was off my game or not, but this was usually the face he made when he found me either funny or adorable. I had half a mind to cash that, but then I remembered I didn't have the tact to pull that off. Suddenly, a dark little corner of my mind dared to refute that— Or did I?

Naomi's advice ran through my mind like a script. The flicker of bravery I had felt died out as soon as it started. I couldn't, I always sported an intense fear of embarrassing myself. "Listen, we're not going to mention tonight to Gon until he decides to share this with us himself," I instructed, knowing this cunning man a little too well for my own good.

He scoffed, waving a hand in annoyance. "You just had to take the fun out of it, didn't you?"

"Do you want to have a go at it buddy?" I dared, reminding him that my crazy side wasn't hard at all to beckon, and my crazy was several degrees superior to his crazy.

Killua had certainly gotten wiser. "I'll pass." Came his seasoned response.

"That's what I thought." I made my way to my room, leaving him seated in front of the TV. The only thing that seemed within the realm of possibility was for me to take a shower to somehow calm my body down. I stripped down and pulled a fresh towel from my wardrobe, wrapping it around me. Instead of heading straight into the shower, I sat down on the edge of the bed to process some unexplained feelings. Just your run-of-the-mill girl things.

I hadn't really focused on it, but seeing Gon kissing his mystery lady had also sent a jolt of jealousy down my body. It reminded me that I was starting to forget what kissing Killua even felt like, or even touching him for that matter.

Three quick raps at the door called me away from my thoughts. "Yes?" I asked Killua, firmly holding the towel around me as I cracked the door open just a little.

"It seems I'm out of shampoo," he informed, suddenly looking different for some reason I couldn't pinpoint.

"Is that right?" I asked, genuinely surprised. Killua didn't really do wrong estimates or forgetting, especially when it came to his self-care regimen.

"Well, can I borrow yours?" He asked like he wanted the conversation to be over quickly.

"Uh, sure. Let me grab it for you," I relented, moving to close the door and do what I said.

His hand suddenly moved to stand between the door frame. "Would it be okay if I came and checked it out first myself? Can't just use anything on my hair," he explained, gesturing to his pride and joy.

I was so oblivious I believed him. I reasoned that he was very intense when it came to his hair, but I did still have some questions. "Well, yeah, but can't you check it right here?"

"It's quicker that way." He had his answer ready even before I had phrased my question.

I just shrugged and let him through. When he passed me by, I started feeling slightly self-conscious of my attire, or lack thereof.

He took his time inside, to the point where I was forced to go in and check. "I have just one shampoo, Killua. I don't think it's that hard to spot."

He was standing right at the boundary of the shower enclosure, looking determined. But I wasn't sure I was reading this right. "I don't have my contacts on, can you check and read the content list to me?"

I was confused. Okay, the guy was serious about what he put in his hair, but since when had he become long-sighted?

"Uh… okay, whatever." I shrugged, grabbing the bottle and reading the print aloud to him.

He was leaning against the wall, passing a hand through his hair. I was pretty sure he wasn't listening to a word I was saying. I continued just out of sheer curiosity as to what he was up to.

A sudden spray of water from the shower left us both soaking. I screamed in shock.

"Oops," he said with his hair matted to his forehead. "My hand slipped against the shower dial."

"What the hell, Killua," I raged, moving to shut the water off.

I looked back just in time to see him take his shirt off in one fluid motion. "This is soaked, I better put it in the dryer."

It was only then that my intimacy-deprived brain registered what was going on. This was an invitation. Except he couldn't go out and say it. Also, he was for sure not going to make a move until I did.

I didn't even have to think twice to have the answer to whether or not I'd have the guts to do that. I let my towel bunch up at my ankles before I could freak myself out.

Killua let out a rugged breath— and the next moment we were on each other in a way where I couldn't tell where his body ended and mine started. His mouth claimed me so hungrily my legs felt like they'd give out.

Our hands clasped together as we moved in our drenched and breathless states. I wasn't sure when we ended up in the bed, but suddenly Killua's body was looming over me as he unfastened his belt. Then went his pants, and he was caging me with his hands on either side of me.

For one very intense moment, he just looked into my eyes. I couldn't help but feel mesmerized, I swear I would have cried right there if he hadn't gotten back to kissing me. I was sure nobody could look at anyone the way he had just regarded me and not love them with their entirety. I knew then that it didn't matter to me any longer if he ever said it to me or not.

When I woke up in the morning, I was sore. I felt it in my entire body, except it was the kind of soreness that was pleasant. It was the reminder and remainder of something exceptional. I stretched my legs on the bed but realized that it felt like I had too much space on the mattress.

I turned to see that the other side of the bed was unoccupied. I plopped back down, despite the slight disappointment of expecting to see Killua staring pensively at the ceiling. I was celebrating the unexpected win that Killua had truly come around so quickly and with so little drama involved. Perhaps there was something to be said about growing up. Killua and his moods were legendary.

Eventually, I got up and headed out to find him. He was nursing a cup of coffee while catching up on the news.

"Hello," I chirped, almost skipping in joy to sit next to him.

He gave me a quiet hum of acknowledgment and raised the cup to his mouth again.

"How are you this fine morning?" I conversed, struggling to keep my face from stretching into a smile.

My giddy tone got his attention, he side-eyed my demeanor before answering. "Same as I was yesterday. Were you expecting my health to deteriorate in a matter of hours?"

I rolled my eyes. I had to admit, it was strange, the way he felt a little cold and detached. "I was hoping to find you in a better mood than this."

"Why?" He asked, point blank. Like I was an idiot to assume he should be anything other than the way he was right now.

Then, it was like I was hit with a lightning bolt of insight, I gasped. "Wait a minute…" I did the math with his absence from the bed and his impassive reciprocation. "Was last night… a booty call?"

He looked incredibly mean even before he responded. "Were you under the impression that it was anything but that?"

I had a sudden urge to murder him, but my jaw fell to the floor and I had no idea how to get it back up. "Are you kidding me?"

"If I was joking, you wouldn't have to ask," he retorted, not looking the least bit regretful as he put his coffee cup on the table in front of him.

"I can't believe you, are you really this big of an asshole?"

"Calm down, it was just sex," he waved off, daring to turn his attention back to the TV.

My hand had acted on its own to target his face. He had caught it with a speed and precision that was remarkable. He clicked his tongue while shaking his finger left to right. My other hand had the same impulse and he was quick to grab that one too.

"You used me," I accused enraged.

"I used you? I think you got just as much out of that exchange as I did, and let's not forget you were the one who kissed me first. I simply reciprocated."

Now he and I both knew that he was the one calling all the shots last night, but the problem was I really couldn't recall who had kissed who first. Knowing him, he'd probably strategized it so I'd make the first move and he'd pin this on me. "You're insane."

"No, what's insane is that you thought that I'd have sex with you to let you know that everything was okay between us now," he countered and I saw a glimpse in his evil eyes that told me a secret part of him was enjoying this. This was part of his revenge plot.

"Oh, sure that's totally insane," I agreed in the most mocking tone I could manage, "except isn't that how you did things when we got back together last time?" I reminded knowing that he'd find a way to talk himself out of this too. Why did I even bother?

"That was completely different. Sex wasn't on the table and we weren't together at all then."

"That's weak, but thanks for taking out the time to come up with this rubbish. Actually, could you have a document drawn so we'd have your crazy terms and conditions in writing?"

"Hard pass on that, but I'd be willing to renegotiate the terms of our physical relationship," he steered instead, sounding like an elite-level fuckboy.

"Right, right… so let me get this straight. You'd rather sleep with me but not talk to me?" I deciphered, hoping to guilt-trip him in any way.

"Funny you should say that because wasn't that exactly what you were doing for months now?"

I pulled my hands back from his grasp, feeling cornered and frustrated. "I can't believe you've resorted to playing dirty."

"Please, like you wouldn't have done exactly what you did last night even if you knew crystal clear what I implied," he challenged, trying to one-up me. "In fact, I bet without a singular doubt in my mind that you will do it again."

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms around my chest to look firm in my stance. "Yeah, keep telling yourself that." The truth was that I was left to ask myself the same question he had.

"Okay." He glanced at his wristwatch to check the time. "Let's make it even more specific. I'll have you under me in eight hours or less, and you'll be the one to ask."

"You're delusional," I told him, suddenly worried why I was just registering how nice he smelled.

He raised his eyebrows at that and then scoffed. "I was actually planning to go easy on you, but it seems…" he noted, prolonging the end of his sentence on purpose as he leaned closer to me. "…you enjoy seeing me win."

I regarded him silently, wondering what was wrong with me. I should be studied. Not only had I somehow managed to convert a long-term, fully committed relationship into a situationship, but I was also setting myself up to fall prey to Killua's challenges— and the man was addicted to competing and proving himself right.

"I don't need eight hours, I'll have you begging right now." He tipped my chin up with his fingers. "What's the problem, Claire? Would it be so bad if we had sex right now? Or any other time we wanted? Does it really have to be set in stone?" He lured, sounding reasonable. Which is how I knew I was already done for.

"It's not like there's anyone else in the equation, it's just you and me." His words were already almost getting me there, but what really did it was the unexpected kiss he placed on my cheek. It was so affectionate I thought I was already melting.

In all honesty, the last straw was the look he gave me; it was the same one from last night. In that moment, I understood him. Killua wasn't mad, not really, and he certainly hadn't stopped feeling what he felt for me at any point in time. This was just like last time.

Killua loved me but he was hurt. He couldn't bring himself to put some distance between us, but the thought of my lies and secrets made him suffer more than he'd ever let on. Realizing all this was what made me say what I said next. "Killua?"

"Yes?" He whispered, waiting for me to cave.

"I'm asking," I relented, like I ever even had a choice. The thing was that until I figured out what would break down the wall I had put between us, this was the only way to feel close.

"Exactly," he said in a hypnotizing voice as he picked me up. I couldn't stand to keep taking part in the way he was looking at me. I felt guilty, criminal, and absolutely undeserving of his love. Because Killua was the most giving person I knew.

It was like a shower of realizations on me as he carried me into the bedroom. I had to find a way to build that trust back, to help him- us -out of this mess that I'd made. Knowing well that there was so much more to come from where this chaos started. What exactly it was I had to do, I had no idea.