Chapter: 38

"Bad Habits."

Killua and I spent the month of December catching up— on each other's bodies. Talk was strictly off the table, while we were very much on it and every other surface that allowed it. The scarcity of conversation wasn't from a lack of trying on my part. All Killua entertained were surface-level topics and banter. The most serious issue we ever got down to discussing was Gon's secret relationship.

I'm ashamed to admit this but one day, he talked me into joining forces with him in stalling Gon when he was in a clear hurry to be out of the apartment.

"Where you goin' there buddy?" Killua probed as Gon took his jacket off from the coat rack.

"Just on a stroll," he answered serenely, not suspecting the plot unfolding around him in the least. "For some fresh air."

"Ah yes, Yorknew City isn't known for anything if not for its impressive air quality index," Killua retorted, enjoying rounding up on him in his obliviousness.

"Uh… yeah." Gon scratched his head, looking unsure of what to make of Killua's remark.

Killua gave me a furtive glance, indicating that I was up. "Actually, can I join, Gon? I've been cooped up in here all day."

Gon's face went momentarily blank. "Sure… but my walks usually span hours, I go all the way to Emerald Alley sometimes."

"That's quite alright, honestly I could use the exertion," I pressed, trying to keep a straight face.

"Could you? I heard you've been getting a lot of that lately," Killua jumped in, unable to resist deviating from the plan just on account of teasing me. "Just kidding." He threw an arm around me. "Take her with you Gon, in fact, let's all go. When was the last time we went out together?"

"We went out to dinner, last night," Gon reminded, probably on his way to suspecting Killua's strange, sunny demeanor.

"And wasn't that fun? It's not like you have some place to be, do you?" Killua sneaked in a fake laugh. "Now that I think about it, Claire was telling me about this girl from her class that she thinks would be perfect for you. What did you say her name was? Ah, who cares? Tell her to join us, let's have a double date. The more the merrier."

I gave Killua a look conveying that he was stretching it now.

Gon had gone pink, I assumed from the weight of his secret and Killua's pushy suggestion. "Well, I actually…"

"It's about time you started dating my man," Killua droned on in his manic chirpy tone, "it's the best, really." He tightened the arm around me, to be point where I was almost squished. "Right, Claire?"

"Yes.." I choked, struggling for air. "Just the best."

"Why are you guys acting strange…er than usual?" Gon interrogated, looking concerned.

"What do you mean?" Killua flashed his teeth in a smile that was so artificial it hurt. "We're always like this."

"You've been fighting for weeks now," he finally phrased, letting Killua know that he had a set of eyes and sound ears at his disposal.

"Whaaat?" Killua continued in denial. "All couples have spats, we do too." He moved to ruffle my hair at that remark. I wanted to punch him and also to point out that the still unaddressed family of cracks on the kitchen island would beg to differ. "But we're good. Right, Claire?"

"So good," I echoed, barely managing with the lack of breathing space.

"Killua, let her breathe, you look and sound crazy." Gon intervened, rescuing me from Killua's manic embrace. "By the way, guys, thin walls," he reminded pointing around him. "Your 'spats' and what follows and precedes them could probably use some sound-proofing."

I felt like someone had set my face on fire. "We know you have a secret girlfriend!" I blurted out loudly as a reflex to counter the embarrassment I felt. Killua's sly glance of smugness that followed that deserved a smack.

It was Gon's turn to go red now. "How… but you… you know about Maya?"

"Maya?" Killua and I repeated in unison like it was some sacred piece of information that had finally made its way to us.

Gon went an even deeper shade of red now. "How do you know?"

"We saw you get all cozy with her a while ago outside the village," Killua confessed, looking intent on cornering Gon for as much information as he could.

Gon's hazel eyes widened in recollection. "You saw…?" He confirmed, his face touching a disturbing shade of vermilion now.

"We saw." Killua and I synchronized again, giving each other a hive-five for the impeccable timing.

Gon's shoulder slouched in the knowledge that he couldn't pass off the girl named Maya as a friend. "Alright…" He conceded, still looking cautious, "What do you want to know?"

"Where did you meet her?"

"How do you know you can trust this chick?"

"Why did you keep this from us?"

"How serious are you guys?"

"Are you doing it with her?"

Actual smoke started coming out of Gon's ears from the bombardment of questions, and I looked at Killua in evident disapproval over the nature of his questions.

"You know when I went to pick up my upgraded license from the Association? I met her there," he fessed up, eventually sitting down by us, knowing that this wasn't going to end anytime soon.

"That was over a month ago," Killua estimated, sounding pissed.

"I know, I know." Gon sighed, looking genuinely regretful. "I didn't mean to keep it, at least not this long. I met her around the time Bisky was here and then with all her do's and don'ts with training, I thought it would be less complicated to just bring it up afterwards."

"Lame," Killua refused immediately, doing a decent job of sounding betrayed.

"You're right, and then…well, afterwards I just wanted to make sure it was real and was going somewhere before I'd bring her into the mix." Gon looked so torn, I started feeling bad for him.

"It's okay, Gon. You should've gotten to tell us in your own time," I encouraged, putting my hand on his to show my support.

"Nuh-uh," Killua cut in immediately, "all that talk about being best friends and this is how you get around to telling me this."

Gon covered his face with his hands and whined. "How do I make it up to you, Killua? I'll do anything!"

"Fifteen new console games, I get first pick for any character from now on, you won't bring your muddy boots inside until you clean them out, and we get to meet this mystery lady," Killua enlisted like he had the conditions rehearsed and etched into his brain.

Gon's method made me wonder why I hadn't thought of asking Killua the same thing.

"Okay, that's only fair," Gon agreed, looking grateful, "but can you give me some time to ask Maya to come over?"

"You have two days," Killua granted, forcing a serious look on his face until I smacked him on the shoulder. "Okay, two weeks."

"Reasonable," Gon seconded again, like Killua was honoring him beyond what he deserved. "But you guys have to tone down the…" He paused, probably to think of a milder alternative to the word crazy, "You're a bit much sometimes."

Killua scoffed. "If anything we're mellow. In fact, your little lady friend will be wowed by how awesome your friends are."

I made a face at him, unable to argue with Gon's plead. "Well, how about you tell us a bit about her. I'm sure we'll present ourselves better if we feel like we know her."

Gon contemplated my point. "That sounds good, but can we put a raincheck on this? I'm supposed to meet her."

"Sure."

"Alright, scram," Killua granted, waving his hand in feigned annoyance.

After Gon left with a streak of thanks and apologies to Killua, the man in question retired to the balcony with a cigarette in hand.

"Not sure if I'm blurry on this, but didn't you promise to quit smoking just a few short months back?" I jogged his memory, positioning my back against the grill so I could see the expression on his face.

"Do you really want to go over things we promised each other?" He challenged in good humor, taking a drag.

I rolled my eyes. "So, you were just waiting for me to mess up so you could get back into it?"

"While the probability of you messing up has always been strikingly high, I must disappoint you. I was actually rooting for you this time," he revealed with a smile that was almost sad.

That did something to my heart. "If that's the case, why was the impulse to get back to smoking so strong? And I recall you grabbing yourself a packet as soon as you got home that day," I pin-pointed, letting him know that I had indeed noticed.

Killua exhaled a puff of smoke, a pensive look taking over his eyes. "Hm, how do I put this nicely?" He considered, fingers drumming on the top of the railing. "You're very frustrating sometimes."

I raised my eyebrows at his remark. "This is nice?"

"What I mean to say is…it takes a special kind of energy and restraint to deal with you sometimes. Unfortunately, despite my upbringing, I am human at the end of the day, and I need an outlet. If I hadn't gone to get cigarettes that day, I would've smashed your little friend's head into a wall."

"Ah," I remarked, disturbed by the picture he drew with his words, "then, by all means, please go on."

"You can't be this bothered by me smoking," he probed, giving me his complete attention, probably to read my thoughts through my face.

"I'm not bothered by it, it's just not good for you."

"Claire, I have an extremely high tolerance for poison, a cigarette every now and then is hardly going to do anything."

I put a hand on his cheek, trying to find out some of these strange things about him that he never really told me anything about, through his eyes. Those sapphire-blue contours were as guarded as always, not giving anything away. "If you say so."

"It's the only bad habit I've let myself develop," he confessed, leaning into my palm.

"That's not true," I corrected, stroking his skin with my fingers. He looked so cute I resisted the impulse to kiss his face over and over.

"It's not?" He arched an eyebrow, curious at my claim.

I shook my head. "There's another on the list, I'd say that's your worst habit."

"And what's that?" He had enveloped the hand I had on his face with one of his own, and moved to nibble on the tips of my fingers. The other hand firmly held the lit cigarette he was nursing.

"Me," I revealed, enjoying the feelings that were coming out of that little action of his.

He looked amused at my assertion. He removed his lips from my hands and put the cigarette between them, taking a long drag this time. But instead of exhaling immediately, he inched towards me. My lips parted automatically at the proximity and he breathed the smoke into my mouth.

I thought I'd go insane from that gesture with the way my body shuddered. Why did I have the distinct feeling that I was going to find his smoking sexy from now on?

Killua led me back inside before I could give the matter any more thought. However, I came out of the ordeal positive that smoking was a very big turn-on. Killua had shown me a variety of ways why that was true.

I also noticed that, ever so gradually, Killua's mood was improving, and really improving this time. I wasn't sure what I could credit for that, my guess was probably time and physical intimacy that inevitably led to its emotional counterpart. I found we started talking more and he wasn't so completely refuting of the idea of me sharing things with him.

"I'm taking a page from Gon's manual here," I led, taking my time to observe Killua as he was getting dressed after a shower. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

He looked both surprised and a bit touched at my attempt. "I'll think about it," he promised, leaning down to kiss the side of my head.

I left for my shower, elated in that tiny victory when I heard my phone ringing outside. "Can you get it?" I called, trying to quickly rinse myself off. I received no response, so I assumed Killua wasn't in the room.

When I got out, Killua was sitting on his side of the bed. His sight was fixed pointedly at his phone and he had an especially bitter expression on his face.

It didn't look safe to ask him what the matter was and I was right. When I went to check who the call on my phone had been from, I was mortified to see Caden's name flash on the screen. There was also a text asking if I was okay.

I was tempted to fire back with a plain and simple 'Fuck off Caden' but I realized taking my frustration out on him was unreasonable. I just deleted the text and then his number too.

"Killua, you know he's just doing this on his own, I don't even talk to the guy," I clarified, hoping to manage things before we were back to square one.

"Don't," he muttered darkly, getting up and walking out like the conversation was well beyond over.

This was frustrating and exasperating on more levels than I could articulate. I followed him out, absolutely refusing for the same pattern to unfold over and over. "This is exactly why I didn't tell you!" I blurted out.

He stopped in his tracks on registering that, his hands clenching into fists. "I thought you were sorry about that." His voice was quiet, the way it got before he exploded.

I was so wound up, I just continued instead of doing damage control. "You're acting unreasonably and you know it. I have no control over the people around me! So what if this is a guy that's tried to kiss me, I had to spend months of my senior year around a girl I knew you slept with!"

Killua looked vicious at that, turning to address me with the full force of his glare. "That was before you and I ever started anything and I never talked to her again."

"Oh, so you would've been okay if the roles were reversed," I challenged, feeling old pent-up anger pouring right out of me. "I've never even asked you how many people you slept with and you can't get over one small inconvenient coincidence, which by the way is a guy that I've known my whole childhood." It was stupid, I knew it as I said it. Caden didn't mean anything to me and factoring in how long I knew him would only get on Killua's nerves more.

"You never asked because it never was any of your business," he seethed through gritted teeth.

"Right, so why are you bothered with the Caden thing? You and I weren't even together when anything happened," I continued pettily.

"I didn't bring up what happened, not even once," he informed me and for a milli-second, I felt like an idiot. "I'm bothered because if it had been me with that cheap Mary-Jane cosplay and I hid it from you, you know you would have bitten my head off about it." He was right but I wasn't about to tell him so.

"So, no the problem isn't that that asshole tried to kiss you, it's that you hid it from me. But yes, I will always hate his guts for trying to make a move on you and don't you forget that."

"You're telling me there would have been no drama whatsoever about me seeing him every day in class if I had just told you straight up?" I demanded in disbelief, refusing to believe that he wouldn't have a problem with it.

"Oh, I'm sorry, you must have me confused with yourself." He gestured to me exaggeratedly. "I don't enjoy drama and if you think that's what I sit around all day plotting for then I don't think we should be speaking."

"Oh, I couldn't agree more."

And we proceeded to not talk to each other for a week. We were really good at being petty like that and it would've gone on if Gon hadn't been the one getting caught in the crossfire of it all.

Things had to get to their absolute worst before they could get better and the escalation came up like this: "Gon, please ask Claire to pass the salt," Killua asked while we were in the middle of dinner one evening.

I was pissed because now we had moved on to openly sulking in front of Gon. I had no idea I would actually miss playing nice for an audience until full radio silence became our everyday reality. "Aren't you already salty enough," I grunted under my breath as I passed the shaker.

Of course, I conveniently forgot that Killua had the hearing ability of a bat. The way he set his sight pointedly at me conveyed that he had a snarky response locked and loaded.

With this one he took his time, a slight mirthless smile crossing his face before he spoke. "Hilarious wordplay," he remarked like it was anything but that, "what are you going to take on next… spelling?"

I grimaced at him to appear unaffected, buying myself some time to craft a comeback. "No, I'd hate to see you struggling to keep up."

He had taken a bite right as I spoke, I presumed to convey how indifferent he was in the matter, which was why a silence followed my words as he slowly chewed his food. For some reason, the lack of an answer was making me feel awkward, even though I reasoned that he should be the one in that position.

I found my eyes darting to him every second, checking his every move. He grabbed the napkin from his lap after he swallowed and gradually wiped his lips with it, impeccable table manners as always. But this time around I knew they were emphasized even more so to infuriate me, and they were doing a very good job at that.

I didn't want it to show that I was anticipating his answer or even that his mind games were working on me, so I bit my tongue. To my right, Gon was looking between us ever so subtly, probably wondering what the hell was wrong with us.

I'm glad he didn't voice his concerns because I for one had no answer. All I knew was that my well-being hung on whatever Killua was or wasn't about to fire back at me.

My perpetrator decided to take it up a notch and grab a sip of water now. I had a dangerous impulse to throw the fork in my hand right at him.

He probably suspected that that was the case which was why he suddenly looked up at me. It was the most tactful of stares, I couldn't even describe it right. All I knew was it made me feel dumb. "What's the matter, Claire? You look flustered."

I gaped blankly back at him. "Aren't you going to say something?" I asked straight up.

"I thought I just did," he feigned, proceeding to somehow make me feel even dumber.

"I mean- you know about the- the thing I said," I sputtered, my speech faculty failing me miserably.

"Oh, I had no idea you expected me to comment on that childish attempt. Ah, but then again, no one here's a stranger to your violent need for validation… I'd say you're trying too hard, Claire." His tone, the sideways gestures, and the way he was looking my way but not quite at me made the delivery even more venomous somehow.

"Killua you're taking this too far," Gon interceded, sounding upset. But my insanity and the way it had been triggered couldn't take notice of that.

"And just what do you mean by that? My need for validation?" I demanded loudly, moving my face sideways so I could have a clear view of Killua who was partly obscured by Gon.

"Well, I'm no therapist but I'd say intense daddy issues maybe? But then there's also that tendency to hide things to look perfect and pluck people out like weeds when they don't meet your standard of perfection. And let's not even talk about the hypocrisy… The possibilities with you and psychopathology are quite endless," he rambled on; his attempt at nonchalance would have been almost flawless if some of his bitterness on the matter hadn't spilled out.

I gasped at his words, unable to help myself. "You're… an asshole." This was all I could say while fighting an internal battle not to fling my plate at his face.

"True," he agreed calmly, "But that doesn't invalidate my point."

"Is that so?" I challenged, putting my palms on the table. "Then what does that make you? A fan of the mentally unstable?"

"Yeah, isn't that evident? Crazy's my kink," he announced with a provoking smirk plastered on his face. That shit-eating award-winning smirk would've stayed there too, except Killua had seen the look on my face. I didn't need to imagine what he saw, I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes.

His nonchalant demeanor suddenly faltered, giving way to confusion.

Seeing Killua unsettled and unsure was certainly unbelievable, but it was nothing compared to the way Gon was looking at him.

I had never seen Gon angry at anyone, much less Killua. There had always been a dynamic between them where Killua had the upper hand. It was so natural the reverse couldn't even be fathomed.

But the glare Gon cast on Killua and the way Killua blinked back, speechless was an unsettling sight. Just for that moment, Killua looked like a child next to Gon. I had no idea how else to describe it.

Killua's eyes flicked to me again, I could tell he was regretful but it broke my heart that my tears were what made him realize he had crossed a line. It was even harder to swallow that I was the one who had let things get this bad.

I left the scene, knowing I was too upset for reason. It also intensely looked like Gon was about to give Killua a piece of his mind on the matter and I certainly didn't want to be there for that.

The apartment was quiet when I emerged from my room the next morning. I had spent the better part of the night going over Killua's words. We'd had our fair share of fights but nothing he had ever said stuck to me the way this did.

It was like finding out that the worst things you thought about yourself were real and confirmed by the one person you felt at home with.

I was about to make my silent exit when Killua's voice stopped me in my tracks.

"You're leaving?" He asked; he had just walked in from the balcony and was closing the glass door behind him.

"Uh… yeah, I have class in a bit," I mumbled, trying to keep my tone steady.

"Let me make you breakfast first," he offered, but it sounded more like a command.

"I actually have to make it in time for the subway—"

"I'll drive you, just let me get some food in you first," he refuted immediately, instead moving the bar stool near the counter, "Come, sit." I realized it was probably impossible for Killua to say something and make it sound like a request, seeing as he got his way all the time.

I sighed, not sure I was in the mood to damage things further. So, I took my boots off and followed his instructions.

He got to work quietly, taking things from the refrigerator and setting up the pans. I couldn't bear to look at him directly, but I also couldn't help sneaking glances at him every now and then.

He expertly chopped, fried, poured— the whole sequence, clearly doing too much.

"This is too much," I informed, as he placed the humongous plate in front of me with a mountain of food on it.

"Well, good thing you like to eat." He was wiping his hands on the kitchen cloth and studying my every move. I realized he looked cautious.

"Join me," I offered, wanting to end his misery.

He sat down next to me but didn't really eat, only forking the food in my direction. I understood that this was his way of making amends and I didn't want to make him feel like his effort would go to waste with me. I ate way more than I could for that very reason and he kept watching me wordlessly.

When I cleared the plate and got up, he rose with me. He took the dishes on the counter and deposited them in the sink and then made his way back to me.

The matter of note here was that it was physically impossible for Killua to leave dirty dishes behind, he had to at least have them in the dishwasher. It was somewhat surprising to see that I took precedence over that.

But I was wrong, the really surprising thing was what followed: When I turned around to head back towards the door, his arms enveloped me from behind.

I was frozen there, with Killua hugging me from the back. "I'm sorry," he said for maybe the second time ever since I knew him. Since he towered over me, his chin rested on my head in that position and I felt the motion of him speaking right in my body.

"I didn't mean any of what I said yesterday. I knew it would hurt you, that's why I said it," he admitted, shocking me. "Turns out I'm pretty pathetic."

I spun to face him because I simply couldn't hear all this without seeing him. His expressions confirmed that he absolutely believed everything he said. "You're not pathetic," I comforted, putting my hand on his cheek. I could probably even count on one hand the times I'd seen him be vulnerable; I cherished it. It was nice to be reminded that he was human after all. "You're just a very big asshole, and you can't help it, and that's okay."

"I don't want to be an asshole to you," he confessed, sinking his head in the crook of my neck.

We stood there hugging for a really long time and then I had to remind him of his promise of driving me to class.

Things weren't resolved but some semblance of peace was established, at least for now. I knew this because we held hands on the way and it had been a while since we'd done that.

When he parked the car in my campus lot, I knew he had something he wanted to say still, so I sat there waiting for him to get it out.

"I hope you know that I don't think that saying sorry will erase what I said from your mind," he revealed, squeezing my hand. "And I'm sorry for more than just yesterday. Instead of being mad at you, I should look into why you felt the need to hide something from me— and honestly, my reaction to it all, I don't think what you did was all that unreasonable."

I was taken aback, this was too generous by any standards. "Thank you for saying that Killua, but I'm well aware I do have some huge character flaws I need to work on."

He shook his head at that. "The thing is though, a big part of the problem was me expecting you to change yourself, and that wasn't fair. I don't care about any of it." He sighed, turning to look at me, and really look at me. "If you need to hide things go ahead, I don't care if it turns out you're a serial murderer in your spare time. Wouldn't make a difference to me, the only thing that would make a difference is losing you and that's not something I'm going to let happen."

I was pretty sure I looked like I was one moment away from cardiac arrest. I just blinked at him wordlessly.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is…" He paused to draw a quick breath and I suddenly understood where this was going. "That I—" I clamped my hand on his mouth immediately.

"Don't say it," I pleaded, catching myself off guard. I had wanted to hear those words for a while now, but now that they were just around the corner it didn't feel right. It didn't feel right at all.

He raised his eyebrows in question, gently prying my hand off of his face. "Why? I mean it I—" he reattempted but I stuck my fingers in my ears this time.

"I don't want to hear it," I confessed, trying my best to make him understand why. "Not like this, not when it's the last thing I deserve, and definitely not out of guilt."

He looked perplexed at my interpretation. "Of course you deserve it, you always have, and it's not out of guilt."

"Okay, but if you say it right now, I'll think it is. So, please just don't."

He nodded, turning his eyes to the windshield now. "But I still meant what I said; I don't expect you to do things differently. Whatever you decide to do, keep, or tell for whatever reasons, I support it."

While that should have made me feel relieved or maybe even elated, the only thing it did was make me feel sad. It was like he was saying that he had no expectations of me and was set on putting all the work into our relationship with or without any effort from my side.

The drastic change in Killua overnight also made me wonder what exactly Gon had said to him. I had seen a glimpse of a completely new side to both of them.

"You lied," I accused, suddenly remembering his snark episode.

"About what?" He asked, confused by my reaction.

"When you said you weren't mad about when I cut you off when I found out about your family. You were mad."

He looked surprised by my assessment. "I guess I was… but I had no idea."

"Finally, something human about you. It's hard not having anything to hold over your head."

He rolled his eyes. "So, with that covered, we're good?"

"We're good," I confirmed and then we shook hands on it too.

"This feels a bit dry," he admitted, looking at our conjoined hands. "I think we should kiss, to really seal the deal, you know."

"Uh-huh," I mused, keeping myself from laughing at the logic. "I think we've done that before but there's no harm in it."

We shared a very strange kiss, barely a peck on each other's lips.

"Okay, then," he said after we checked that off our agenda. "Next order of business, Gon's mystery lady is joining us for dinner tonight."

"She is?" I demanded, suddenly feeling anxious. "Is that why you're making up with me?"

His eyes widened in shock. "Are you kidding? If anything, I'd love to give her a raw demo of us to scare her off."

"Wow, you sound almost jealous. Does Gon know about these blossoming romantic feelings?"

"He's too naïve for his own good, too trusting," he disapproved, clicking his tongue.

"He's not naïve," I disagreed immediately, "I for one think he's got a really good sense of self-preservation."

"Yes, this coming from someone who's dating a former assassin, holds a lot of weight," he commented with another eye roll. "How about you two just shut up and let me look out for you?"

For some reason that semi-offensive sentence touched me more than I could describe. "I can't make any promises about the shutting up part but I'll consider the rest. Now I have to leave but I look forward to embarrassing Gon together later."

"You read my mind," he approved as I unfastened my seatbelt and let myself out. "Remember, be on your worst behavior."

That got a smile out of me, a real one. I was beginning to suspect that our friendship was at the root of our resolved conflicts because I was pretty sure no two sane people could come back from most of the things we did and said to each other.

When I got home in the afternoon, my phone was buzzing like crazy. I couldn't check it on the way because of my motion sickness and the fact that my Dramamine tablets had decided to sink to the deepest depths of my bag.

I had just shut the door behind me and took my cell out of my pocket when Gon grabbed me by the arm and pulled me to a side.

"How are you, Claire?" He asked, undiluted concern showing in his big hazel eyes. "I'm sorry I missed you in the morning and I didn't want to bother you last night, I thought you should have some time to decompress."

"You're sweet to ask," I told him, touched by his care. "But I'm fine. That was just warm-up for us. Very thick skin." I was a bit ashamed to sweep things under the rug like this, because Gon was a witness to almost all the strange shades of our relationship, hiding things from him made no sense.

"I don't like to see you cry," he confessed, putting a hand on my shoulder. With that determined stare, I swear he suddenly reminded me of my brother for a second.

"Uh- those were probably just tears of joy, seeing as Killua was speaking to me again," I attempted to joke with the most painful grin I could manage.

He cast a look that told me he wasn't fooled or humored by my little display.

"Alright," I yielded, raising my hands in defeat. "It was bad, but we made up. I swear, scout's honor."

"That's good to hear but I don't think you should let him walk all over you like that, ever," he advised sternly.

I drew a sudden breath at his unexpected tone. "I actually— I did something really stupid, really fucking stupid, that's why he's mad," I explained, feeling the urge to defend Killua, even though I wasn't sure who was in the right anymore.

Gon shook his head, unconvinced. "Claire, whatever you've done, I can't imagine anything that would warrant treatment like that. I love him, he's my best friend in the World, but I just can't let you shelf this off as normal. It's not normal."

While I was taking in what he was trying to put across, I was suddenly hit with the question of whether Gon would still say what he said if he knew what I was keeping. Would he ever even talk to me again? The thought made my skin crawl.

For a moment my mind experimented with the idea of coming clean to him. He could probably be the only one who wouldn't throw me out the window on learning the extent of my secrets. Even though a chunk of them entailed the biggest goal of his life. I couldn't imagine losing his friendship, I was choking back tears.

"Hey," he said, lightly squeezing my shoulder. "It's okay, I don't mean to pressure you into anything."

"No, it's not that… It's just…" I pondered, encouraging myself to go through with the truth just this once. "What if I was keeping something from you? The biggest thing you could imagine, ever." I couldn't for the life of me believe I got those words out.

Gon's face remained passive despite how provocative my bait sounded in my head. "I wouldn't like it," he admitted with sheer honesty, "but I'd give you space to come to me with it when you're ready."

I was shocked at his generosity. I was starting to suspect that Gon wasn't one of us measly humans.

"And I'm not just saying that because I don't know what you're holding on to," he assured me, studying me with patient eyes that were calming me down as they ran over me. It was very hard to explain.

"But you hate lying," I reminded him, looking at my feet to keep some semblance of sanity.

"I do, but this isn't lying. This is keeping secrets, and while I don't really like that either, everyone is entitled to their own decisions and their privacy too," he explained sagely. "I'd be much more interested in your reasons. There's a reason you're doing what you're doing; I don't know the context or anything about it really, but I know you would never do anything with the intention of hurting Killua or me."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was keeping and looked up at him again. It was like this strange ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach was slowly untangling. "Gon, are you sure you're eighteen?" I confirmed, not sure if the right words even existed to describe him.

He broke into a warm smile at that. "I've always told you Claire, you're too hard on yourself."

"No way," I confirmed, shaking my head. "You're too nice and you know it. I'm over here internally sobbing over how uncomplicated dating you is going to be for your girlfriend, this is insane."

He looked at me with a perplexed and amused expression. "Is that a bad thing?"

"Oh, sweet Gon, not a bad thing. It's just the equivalent of a unicorn sighting for someone who's with Killua."

He burst out laughing at that and I couldn't help but join in.

"What are you two girls giggling about?" Killua inquired, breaking up our impromptu meeting next to the coat rack.

"Just talking about Gon's relationship," I covered while also remaining truthful.

"Hmm," Killua mused, looking interested. "So you're finally ready to spill?"

"You have to give us something, we can't promise to act civilized if we're left to navigate our way through it," I seconded, noticing Killua snake his arm around me.

"You guys aren't going to act civilized either way," he predicted, not the least bit tricked by our proposition. "But… uh, okay, here's a couple of things I can tell you." He clasped his hands together and the slightest pink touched his cheeks as he said this. "She's… a botanical hunter."

"Wow, exciting," Killua remarked in a deadpan voice that suggested it was anything but. "It means she's a nerd who collects weird plants," he translated, turning to me.

"Ah, thanks Killua that one would've been hard to interpret." I rolled my eyes, pushing his face away. "I think it's cool and strangely, it fits," I assured Gon, hoping to cancel out Killua's snark.

He gave me an appreciative smile, which was a feat since he looked massively nervous. This was amusing because I would've never pegged Gon as shy. "She's also a bit older than us," he informed, this time the pink deepened in shade and spread to his nose too.

"How older?" Killua demanded, not wasting a second.

This one shocked me too, I looked between the two men.

"Uh… a couple of years," Gon continued vaguely.

"So… two?" Killua deciphered, not letting any of the specifics go.

Gon pursed his lips before answering. "Four."

Killua let out an inappropriate whistle at that and I smacked the back of his head. "So, you have a thing for cougars."

"Killua, you're so disgusting!" I disapproved, feeling for Gon.

"Oh, I'm not judging," he clarified with a smirk. "I share his taste."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I'm barely three months older than you."

"Exactly," he teased, not the least bit bashed.

"Don't pay him any attention," I advised Gon, swatting Killua away with my hand. "Tell us more about her."

His phone pinged that very second, and he grabbed it to take a look. "She's… here."

When Gon headed to the elevator to receive her, I recognized the faint feeling of social anxiety that overtook me whenever I had to meet new people. I consoled myself with some empathy for the poor girl who had to deal with twice the amount of strangers, especially with the fact that one of them was Killua.

When she walked in, I realized that the brief glimpse we'd gotten of her a few weeks back from a questionable distance did not do her justice at all.

Of course, she was very pretty, I knew as much from that first sight. But now up close I could see that she was absolutely stunning, tall, and walked in with an easy, sunny confidence that I had no hope of achieving even if I sold my soul.

Deep, perfect brown skin, gorgeous curls, and the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever seen. I wasn't even sure brown eyes could be that nice, I mean, I had a pair and I always thought they were rather unremarkable. I was pretty sure it took all the effort in my body to keep my mouth from hanging open.

"Hi!" She chirped, extending out one arm to greet me. That was when I noticed the plant pot she was holding in her other arm; it had a giant glowing flower protruding out of it.

It took me a second to reciprocate, seeing as I was awed both by her presence and the strange item in her possession. "Claire, it's so nice to meet you!" She squealed as she drew back to look at me, truly sounding pleased. "Gon's told me so much about you guys."

I couldn't help but smile at her energy. "Wow, you must hate us already then."

"Are you kidding? I plan on poisoning the food tonight," she said with a wink. Good affinity for humor, I noted and despite the fact that she looked like a runway model, I couldn't sense even a fraction of pretentiousness from her.

"Not if Gon's beats you to the chase, he's had it with us."

She laughed, turning to look at Gon. "Well, I have it on good authority that he loves you guys."

The way Gon was staring back at her, I would've guessed that she could have put his name on anything and he would have hardly disagreed or noticed even.

She then handed me the mysterious potted flower. "This is for you, Lumiflora," she explained, gazing lovingly at the subject. "They're pretty rare. They have a unique ability to create positive emotions and a calm ambiance. Just being around them can lift your spirits and help you relax. Not to mention it'll come in handy if the power ever goes off."

I was mesmerized by the glowing petals already, the insights she gave furthered my fascination. "Wow, this is just what I need then," I approved, holding the flower closer for inspection. "It'll make your life easier too," I told Killua who had been silently observing the exchange thus far. He just rolled his eyes at my comment.

That was when Maya's attention turned towards him and she greeted him with a smile that would have softened anyone, anyone other than Killua that is.

I noticed that Gon was now out of his trance and looked almost apprehensive, eyes moving between his girlfriend and his best friend in a furtive way that was dizzying. This was when I realized something of vital importance.

Gon wasn't nervous about introducing us to Maya— he was nervous about putting Killua in vicinity to her.

There was a fundamental thing about Killua that only a handful of people knew and seeing as I'd been introduced to the very many shades of him, I'd caught up on too. Killua hated new people with a passion. I wasn't sure why, I suspected it stemmed from his immediate instinct to mistrust everyone until given a reason not to.

I was pretty sure it wasn't shyness, Killua didn't do shy. It wasn't even discomfort. It was probably just his insane protocols. People had to go through quite the screening to be acknowledged or accepted by him. I should know, I barely made it out of the ordeal alive.

He had a few tricks up his sleeve to wear down strangers, to make sure they didn't feel comfortable approaching him. Firstly, he relied on making them feel worthless; the preliminary way he did this was to pretend to not know their names.

This was exactly what he led with this time around too. "Hello, Maria." Neither the intentional mispronunciation of her name nor the derogatory way he said it was missed by anyone.

The logical sequence of events would have been for Maya to be taken aback, but surprisingly, she was completely unfazed. Her smile stayed in place, only turning a little sharper as she provided a response. "It's Maya actually, but you already knew that," she corrected, somehow managing to sound sweet and assertive at the same time. "You're… Kyle, right?" She added, using Killua's little technique against him, and leaving Gon and I's jaws on the floor.

It appeared that for the very first time, someone could match Killua's sass. The way his mouth slightly twitched and a corned turned up in the semblance of a smile told me he was realizing this too. But he was wise enough to not choose war for the rest of the evening.

Gon took a visible breath of relief when the brief but intense exchange between Killua and Maya came to an end.

I surprisingly enjoyed the evening tremendously. It became quickly evident that Maya was one of those people that you could instantly feel comfortable around. Despite the fact that her beauty was the kind that made your self-esteem take a huge hit, she gave off no impression that she was aware of that fact.

She was one of those rare people that asked others about them too with a nice balance of talking about herself as well. The stories of her travels, discoveries, and life were exciting. She gave me an unfiltered glimpse into the hunter world that I could only dream of being provided by Killua.

Killua himself surprised everyone by not sulking the remainder of the night and even interjecting a question or two into Maya's stories. Granted, they were more of the challenging kind than born out of polite curiosity, but the guy didn't pretend she didn't exist and that was more than anyone could expect or ask of him.

I also took a very close look at the dynamic between Maya and Gon. Despite the age difference, which honestly wasn't visible at all because Gon looked older than he was due to his build, they flowed well together. There was that sequence of quick and repeated glances, secret smiles, and subtle touches between them.

I was pretty sure if they weren't there already, they were well on their way to falling in love. Gon brought a more calm and grounded energy to the mix, while Maya was ecstatic and bold. I also noticed that they were both very open and social. I don't know why that little factor led for me to imagine them hosting get-togethers way into the future. It was weird, I was getting way ahead of the situation, so I shook my head to prompt some sanity.

My subtle observations also led me to wonder if someone looking at Killua and I from the outside thought we fit together that well too? I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the answer to that. Did we even fit? I kept myself from spiraling into a bout of self-induced paranoia.

When Gon and Killua went to get the takeout and set up the table, I thought I'd do Gon a favor by playing his wingman. "By the way, you really lucked out with Gon, nicest guy on the planet."

Her eyes shone at my words. "And easy on the eyes too," she added, sounding positively smitten.

"That too," I agreed, turning to look at the two boys as one took out boxes and the other set up plates.

"We did well for ourselves," she congratulated, her eyes following my lead. "Killua's definitely a character, but my God, look at him. That's the only reason he gets away with it."

I couldn't help but laugh at that because there was no way to disagree with her spot-on observation.

She then launched into a series of questions about Killua and I. For the first time, I felt comfortable with someone talking about him— us.

Killua did keep eyeing me every now and then, I wasn't sure he'd approve that I was sharing so much with someone I had just met. But I was so deprived of female energy for the past few months; the deficiency had turned me into a serial ranter.

The night ended with Killua and I seeing the new couple off by the door; Gon had offered to walk Maya home and she had enthusiastically accepted. But by the way they were holding hands, I was pretty sure he'd end up staying the night.

While the meeting was exceptionally pleasant, I couldn't help but be fixated on the question of whether Killua and I looked like we belonged, just like Gon and Maya had.

It was silly, a little competitive even, to be prompted into thinking this way by interacting with two people that were good together. But seeing how as someone who belonged in their world, Maya so naturally made her place with Gon and by extension Killua too, I felt a bit like an outsider.

I also wondered how much Killua had to adjust on every front to make a place for me in his life. To top it all off I also came with a big pile of baggage.

I was pretty sure my thoughts were somehow even more distorted with the way I was lying upside down staring at the glowing, color-changing flower that Maya had given me. I had put the pot right next to my bedroom window and was unconsciously keeping a score of the color patterns and durations.

My strange line of thought was broken as Killua walked into the room after prompting the door open with a feeble kick. I looked up to see that the reason for this unorthodox way of entry were the two steaming mugs he was holding on to, one in each hand.

"What this?" I asked, flipping over in an upright position.

"Hot cocoa," he announced, handing me one of the mugs and settling down on the bed, right next to me.

"Not that I'm complaining," I led, enjoying the exquisite scent of rich chocolate. Nobody made a better cup of cocoa than Killua, actually, I was starting to suspect nobody made anything better than him. "But didn't we just have dessert?"

"Oh, this is a necessity," he informed, taking a sip. "You have that look on your face."

"What look?" I asked, perplexed.

"The incoming rant look," he explained, "I saw its prequel all evening, that one's called the 'I'm going to overthink myself into paranoia' look. It's surprisingly a very big turn-on."

"I don't have a face."

"You so do. I know that face, I've actually kissed that face one too many times in hopes of dismissing the inevitable, turns out it can only be postponed at best."

I rolled my eyes, but I was a bit amused. "That's not true at all."

"So true. Have you noticed how many times I've had to tell you to shut up while we make out?" He prompted, raising his eyebrows in challenge.

I just stared back silently, because the instances were many.

"Exactly," he concluded, sounding very pleased with his deduction.

"You're rude." I sipped from the mug, almost enjoying the way my tongue burned.

"Not rude," he denied, putting his cup by the bedside and tipping my chin up. "Just someone who likes to kiss you and tell you to shut up, not strictly in that order though."

"You're being surprisingly talkative today, which is very unexpected not just in general, but also because for most of the evening, you looked like you wanted to attempt fatal psychological torture on Gon's girlfriend."

"Don't change the topic," he bested me with an amused smile. "What insane tunnels did your brain explore today?"

I sighed. "I really liked Maya."

"I could tell. Are you thinking of leaving me for her?"

"I was just thinking…" I began, realizing that I could only drag this on for so long.

"That's why we're here," he interjected in almost a sing-song way.

"She's really nice, and pretty, and funny, and good with people…"

"Are we going somewhere with this?"

"—and a hunter," I sneaked in, trying to sound composed. "And that got me thinking, she just fits in Gon's world and… your world."

He looked back at me with an oblivious stare. "Still very much wondering where we're going with this."

I inhaled before letting out a big breath. "I just think I don't necessarily belon-" I paused, hoping a better choice word would come to me. "You could've gotten yourself someone like that, a nice hunter girl."

He blinked a couple of times and then unexpectedly looked like he was fighting a smile. "I could have?"

His response left me speechless. "Uh- I mean yes, a nice hunter girl who's not borderline insane, and also tall."

"Now that I think about it, that's really a problem, especially the tall part, you know me, I'm all about the legs."

"Killua!" I whined, smacking his shoulder and he finally let out the laugh he had been holding back.

I just looked at him silently as he got that off his chest. He then proceeded to lean towards me, take the mug from my hand, and then lean across from me to place it on the side.

The next thing I knew, he had me shackled in a hug. "Listen, you borderline insane person. I can't say anything about anyone else, or what anyone has going. But, I, for one am very happy with what I have."

"Very happy?" I confirmed, feeling his cheek squished against mine as I talked.

"Very," he emphasized. "So much, in fact, that I want to say just how I feel about-"

I pinched his lips close with my fingers. "Not happening. I won't allow it."

I released him once he silently conveyed non-resistance. "You do realize that just a couple of months ago you were making me walk the plank just to say this," he reminded, snuggling closer into the crook of my neck.

"I've grown up," I dismissed lightly. Even though the real answer was: I've accumulated a pile of secrets that would potentially make you hate me between then and now.

He quipped back one of his characteristic responses and I remember talking and talking, until the next thing I knew, I was startled awake by the sound of my phone buzzing furiously against the nightstand surface.

Disoriented, the only thing I could make sense of was Killua wrapped all around me, sound asleep. I slowly and soundlessly detangled myself from him, thankfully managing to not wake him up in the ordeal.

I grabbed my phone and took a look at the screen, just for a fraction of a second, only to see that it was three in the fucking morning before a call from my brother overtook the screen again.

I sneaked out noiselessly into the balcony and took the call. "Luca it's the middle of-" I began in a furious whisper.

"Claire, where the hell were you?" He cut off, sounding incredibly frustrated.

"I was sleeping, like normal people do at this time. You should try it sometime."

"What? I've been trying to reach you for hours now- you know what? Never mind," he dismissed frantically. "That's not important, I have to tell you what is."

I waited silently for him to get on with it because otherwise with how mad I was I would've cussed him out. But the next thing out of his mouth left me short of words.

"Ging's agreed to meet Gon."

—And this was when everything took a turning point.