The first week of school was uneventful; eaten up by new classes and unkind schedules. Beca had far too many 8 AM classes for her liking and was having a hard time finding ways to enjoy them. Maybe if her intro to business class covered the finer details of the music industry she would be more interested.
The first day of classes was filled with syllabuses and the same classmate introductions over and over. She was taking 6 classes and by the third one was tired of telling her classmates a fun fact about herself. It was growing a bit boring to talk about being Bellas captain on repeat.
Sophomore year was proving to be a bit more strenuous and she had found each of her evenings spent bent over a textbook trying to complete homework for at least one of her classes. Not only was she dealing with more school work than before, she had her shifts at the radio station to contend with too.
Thankfully this year she didn't have to share shifts with Jesse, they were both trusted to be alone now that fifth year senior Luke had spent the last year with them. She knew at some point their paths would cross, but for the time being she was grateful to be alone.
Between the start of the school year and getting back into the swing of working Beca hadn't had much time to dedicate to the Bellas, but the thought of the impending season and the new addition of the sirens kept it forefront in her mind. But even thoughts of the Bellas and school weren't enough to distract from the fact that she hadn't seen Bams since Monday morning.
It was Friday evening, she was holed up in the booth at the station, her feet propped up on the desk, a history book open across her lap, reading by the glow of the monitors. She could have sworn she had read the same passage three times but nothing about Louis XIV was sticking in her mind other than he had been a ballerina and liked people to watch him dress. She made a mental note to ask Bams, she was something of a Louis expert.
She tried to read the paragraph one more time, but decided to stop as her brain felt like mush, and really it was her first weekend since school was back so she should take a break. Not to mention Bams kept crossing her mind.
She placed her book back in her bag and sat up straight with a stretch, squinting through the booth's window out into the still, dark station. There was no one there besides her; Luke would be by later to finish the night shift. He always preferred to work the overnight hours and Beca couldn't complain.
She checked the monitor in front of her, queued up a handful more songs and leaned back in her chair with her eyes shut.
Images of Bams pressed into her mind's eye. She missed her. How could she not miss her? Sleeping in her own bed every night had been lonely, and every time she slid into the sheets she thought about how much nicer it would be to lay beside Bams before drifting off to sleep.
She slapped a hand to her forehead, this had been eating at her all week, a part of her was embarrassed to be thinking about her friend this way, and another part was panicking about thinking about any girl this way. It's not that she cared what anyone thought of her, it was just that if she really was gay that would change her whole life. She could never take it back.
She sat with her eyes closed a while longer then chuckled into the silence. It absolutely sounded like she cared what people thought of her. That was new. But so was being gay. And really she wasn't sure if she was gay or if Bams was just really charismatic.
The confusion behind everything made her want to cry. And it was impossible to not think about the other girl when she was upset, all she wanted was Bams to be with her, but the more Beca thought about her the more she panicked.
She didn't have too long to panic however; Chloe had texted to say they would be hanging out tonight and she would be by the station soon to pick her up just before Luke was set to arrive. Time had slipped away and suddenly there was a rapping on the station's front door.
Scrambling to her feet Beca stumbled out of the booth, she could see Chloe pressed up against the glass on the door, peering into the station as she tried to locate her, her breath causing a cloud to form in front of her. Her left hand was tapping away at the glass, but she stopped the second she saw Beca. Her face split into a smile and she stepped back from the door revealing Aubrey to her right.
"Aubrey!" Beca swung open the door, she hadn't been expecting the former captain. "Pleasant surprise," Aubrey looked at her with uncertainty. "I'm not being sarcastic," she insisted until Aubrey relaxed.
"Thought I was gonna have to apologize for not being my sister—"
Beca looked offended, "you make it sound like I don't like you—"
"Oh no you just really like Bams," Chloe said offhand as she looked around the large, dusty station. Beca's face flushed and she was grateful for the semi darkness.
"Where's the other weirdos?" Aubrey asked, joining Chloe as she wandered through stacks and stacks of CDs towards the booth. Beca hurried after them, while Luke was okay with her being in the station by herself she wasn't entirely certain he would be pleased to find her with company.
"Ah, Jesse's not here…Luke's on his way," she skirted past them to squeeze through the door before they could enter. The two girls stood at the entrance to the booth and watched as Beca hastily gathered her things together. "And I don't think he'll be too happy to find you two—"
"He won't," a British voice said, sounding less than thrilled.
Chloe and Aubrey both jumped and spun around quickly to find themselves face to face with a tall, muscular, blonde man. He looked unamused to find them in his booth and glared heavily at Beca who remained emotionless as she packed her laptop back into her bag.
"Sorry," Chloe squeaked, then quickly pulled Aubrey and herself out of his way. Aubrey however looked as if she didn't appreciate the cold greeting and crossed her arms angrily. Leave it to Aubrey to be in someone else's space uninvited, upset at how she was being treated.
"No randoms in the booth," he ignored Chloe and Aubrey and instead spoke to Beca.
"Well…I didn't ask them to be here," she answered, "they just sort of…came in." It was her turn to glare at Aubrey and Chloe; Chloe looked apologetic, Aubrey as if Beca better not entertain the thought of asking for an apology.
Luke sighed and sat down heavily in the chair Beca had vacated, "just…not again," his eyes rested on Aubrey for a moment. "Do I know you?"
"Aubrey just graduated—"
"We had like five classes together," Aubrey responded stiffly, her eyes raking over Luke. She didn't seem too terribly impressed with him finding his tattoos, his too tight joggers, his form fitting t shirt and his leather jacket to be too far in the fuck boy category for her liking. Even the British accent seemed to have no effect on her.
He grinned sheepishly, a look Beca had never seen before from him and made her mildly uncomfortable. "Beg pardon," he responded. "Should've made a better note back then." He grinned more confidently now, "I won't forget this time."
Chloe and Beca glanced at each other, then at Aubrey whose mouth was forming a thin line. The longer they were with Luke the more unimpressed she became. It seemed like it was taking everything to stop her from rolling her eyes.
"Yeah…well I'll see you later, Luke," Beca looked at him oddly again then led her friends back through the station and out into the night. Even with two doors between them she could still feel Luke staring after them.
"Could he have been any more rude?" Aubrey snapped as soon as the door shut behind them and they began the walk to the apartment. She put on a fake British accent, " 'do I know you?' Like we haven't had a class together at least once a year since we were freshmen. Stupid prick probably can't remember anything or he wouldn't be a fifth year senior."
Beca burst out laughing, she couldn't help it. She wiped a tear away while they strolled across campus. Finally, after fighting to catch her breath she choked out, "sorry I just never knew what it would be like to hear you hating on someone to me. You're sort of vicious—"
"You should have heard what she sounded like about you," Chloe interrupted. Earning a look of daggers from Aubrey.
"Could we stop living in the past?"
When they arrived at the apartment they found it empty, much to Beca's disappointment. Chloe and Aubrey didn't notice and set about setting up a movie night for the three of them. Aubrey called in a pizza, Chloe made popcorn and preheated the oven for cookies while Beca started going through the DVDs in the tv cabinet. As the resident movie hater it was her job to narrow down ones she was interested in.
Every once and awhile she would glance at Bams' door, willing the girl to walk out of the empty room. After the fifth look Aubrey spoke up.
"She'll be home later. She's going out with one of her old high school friends tonight." Beca was embarrassed. She had been caught. Not only had she been caught but she knew the disappointment was written on her face. Hopefully the pang of jealousy she felt rocket through her was less obvious.
"You guys are getting close," Chloe called from the kitchen, speaking a bit louder over the sound of popcorn. She winked at Aubrey who was curling up on the couch behind Beca who had selected four different movies.
Beca chose not to answer right away, instead extending the chosen movies out to Aubrey for her opinion. "I mean we hung out a couple times—"
"You went to a basketball game with her. To see her favorite team. And you met our mom…" Aubrey trailed off, handing back three of the movies for Beca to hand to Chloe.
The movies were handed to Chloe who shuffled through them, picking out one and handing the other two to Beca. "Do you even know any of these?" She asked with a chuckle, Beca shook her head, she notoriously disliked movies, but she did like her friends so it was worth it.
Scream and the titanic were left over to choose from and deciding that the Titanic was far too cheesy for her she popped open the scream case to insert the dvd into the player. "You're ignoring me," Aubrey commented dryly.
Beca turned around, thinking what to say as the previews started behind her. Chloe joined them in the living room, clutching a bowl of popcorn and three cokes; she was equally interested in Aubrey's statement. Beca was too, but the only issue was she really had no clue what she was feeling.
"She's really cool, I like having her as my friend," she finally decided to say, grabbing a handful of popcorn from Chloe at the same time. She hoped she played it off, but from the look of disbelief on Aubrey's face she wasn't so certain she had.
Billy loomis, covered in fake blood, was in the midst of his soliloquy, both Sidney Prescott and Beca, curled into a frightened ball on the couch, listened with rapt attention. Chloe and Aubrey had fallen asleep, the pizza box lay abandoned on the floor, the flickering light from the tv washed over the scene making it far more eerie than it would have been normally.
Beca held her breath as she watched the scene unfold before her: Stu was getting stabbed and sliced repeatedly by his cohort. She had to admit Scream was far better than she thought it would be, it actually had a decent plot and it wasn't too corny either. Jesse would have been proud of her.
Just as Gale swooped in to save the day, the front door swung open causing Beca to jump out of her skin with a small scream. Bams, with light pouring into the living room around her, was standing in the doorway. Beca couldn't make out her face, but from the way her shoulders were shaking she knew she was laughing.
"Bams," she whispered, willing her frightened heart to calm itself and making sure she hadn't woken up Aubrey and Chloe who had fallen into cuddling on the couch.
"Hey, scaredy cat," Bams shut the front door behind her with a snap and slowly moved through the darkened living room toward Beca. The closer she grew the more Beca could see the smile on her face. She had missed that smile. Not that she hadn't looked at Bams instagram a million times over the past week or anything.
Bams sat down in the chair next to Beca and leaned back to observe her in the glow from the credits. "First time?" She asked, nodding to the tv. Beca nodded. "And how is it, miss movie hater?"
After Beca's glowing review Bams looked pleased, "it's my favorite," she informed her. "So totally not offended you decided to watch it without me." Beca mumbled an apology, "Beca, I'm messing with you," she said seriously.
Chloe groaned in her sleep and cuddled closer to Aubrey. watching the two of them Beca's heart sank. Maybe the three girls were just used to being really touchy with each other; now that she was seeing it there couldn't be anything special about how Bams was with her.
"Should we put them to bed?"
Bams considered this for a second then shook her head. Aubrey was less than friendly when woken up; it was probably for the best to leave her sleeping. Beca agreed and stood with a stretch as the credits began to roll.
"You're not leaving are you?"
Beca could have sighed in relief. The last thing she wanted was to leave Bams, especially after not seeing her all week. Together the two of them made their way to Bams' bedroom where most likely Bams would roll a blunt for herself. Beca was right.
She watched as Bams, cross legged on the bed, started her tradition of cracking a wrap open and breaking up the weed with her fingers. It was something Beca was growing fond of watching; it was very Bams.
When the blunt was rolled Bams twirled it between her fingers. She was looking at Beca curiously, like she was deep in thought. It started to make Beca uncomfortable and she laughed awkwardly.
"What?"
"I want you to smoke with me. Not to like peer pressure you, but I want you to smoke with me," she nodded with a soft smile. "When you're ready," she added hurriedly, realizing it did sound a bit like she was pressuring her.
The thing was Bams loved smoking; it was one of her favorite pastimes. She loved time slowing down. She loved the feeling of her brain lightening for a while. She loved rolling blunts. She loved it all. But mostly she loved how happy it made her, and she wanted to share that with Beca.
Bams always felt there was a certain closeness that comes with sharing a blunt and all she wanted was to be close with Beca. But in all honesty, she wasn't sure she was ready for it. Her heart still hurt her in stabbing shocks from time to time and her biggest fear was ever letting someone hurt her the same way again. How could she let Beca close when the thought of close made Bams head spin with relationship vertigo?
For her, weed was the answer. Just enough to lighten her up into enjoying Beca without making her panic. She had to remind herself that they were just friends, it was okay to hang out with friends and get to know people. Her heart thudded in her chest: fear and anxiety were coursing through her. She wanted to be much more than friends.
"Okay let's smoke."
Three words and every ounce of negative feeling left Bams' body.
"Okay let's smoke," she repeated in shock. She must have looked it, because Beca laughed at her and nudged her with her foot with a wink. "Are you—"
"Sure?" Beca smiled warmly, "I'm sure."
Bams was nearly vibrating with excitement. She scrambled across her bed to grab a lighter, beaming the whole way. "I've been waiting for this moment for—"
"At least a week," Beca joked, receiving a playful glare from Bams in response. She couldn't help it, seeing Bams so excited made her bubble with happiness, it spread from the top of her head to the tips of her fingers and continued slowly through her whole body.
She crawled up Bams' bed to lay, propped against the pillows, on her side of the bed. She was well aware this was her side of the bed now and had to resist smirking as she took her place beside Bams, who was busily setting about to get an ash tray and make herself comfortable.
"Would you crack the window?" She asked sweetly, Beca immediately obliged. A cool breeze swept in, fluttering the curtains and causing goosebumps to erupt on Bams' legs. When she took her place again Bams moved closer so their legs were pressed together.
"You seem excited," Beca commented as Bams struck the lighter and lit the end of the blunt. She closed her eyes and took a long drag, letting the smoke settle in her lungs for a bit before blowing it out through her nose. When she opened her eyes she was smiling, a dreamy smile like she wasn't sure she was in real life.
"I am very excited, Beca Mitchell," she hit the blunt again, relishing in the familiar burn in her lungs. Smoke poured out of her and she handed the blunt to Beca who took it cautiously, peering at it like it was a bomb that might go off.
"You know you don't—"
Ignoring her, Beca took a long drag, smoke filled her lungs and her eyes watered while she tried to keep it all in without coughing. She only managed to act cool for about five seconds before she succumbed to a hacking cough. Her throat was on fire, her lungs were angrier at her than they'd ever been and her face was slowly turning red the longer she viciously coughed.
Bams was overcome with giggles as she slapped Beca on the back, trying to help her regain her breath. Once Beca was breathing again she handed her a glass of water she gulped down greedily until the glass was dry.
"That went well," she croaked, giving the blunt she had somehow managed to keep firmly in her grasp back to Bams who was still chuckling. Bams couldn't disagree more, but she wouldn't do that out loud. She took another long hit, grinning at Beca as she let the smoke out of her nose again, without coughing.
"How do you do that?"
"I have smoked many blunts," Bams said simply, raising it to her lips again. Beca watched, there was something artistic about watching Bams smoke. Almost like she was watching an old movie or a Greek statue come to life. Somehow, she knew she didn't look that impressive doing it. Maybe it had to do with nearly coughing up a lung.
The blunt was offered to her again, it was when she picked up her hand that she felt the difference. Her arm was infinitely heavier than she remembered it ever being. She raised her eyebrows in shock, her eyes widening slightly as she took the blunt again and raised what felt like a ten pound weight to her lips.
So the weed was working, she thought slowly, as she pulled in on the blunt. Once again she let it fill her lungs, but this time she fought against the cough that was fighting to escape her. Bams looked on with interest as Beca's cheeks puffed up in her struggle to prevent the cough.
Finally she couldn't stop it, a torrent of smoke and a cough came out at the same time. Beca spluttered, her face turning red again, the more she coughed the higher she started to feel. Bams, seeing Beca was dying, quickly handed her own water to Beca who drank it quickly, handing it back empty to Bams with an apology.
Once she had regained her breath Bams turned so they were face to face and leaned in, Beca's heart thumped heavily in her chest. Her very thoughts froze as Bams pulled closer and closer, it felt like it was taking years for her to get to her. Soon she would be less than three inches from her face, Beca was steeling herself, mentally preparing for the moment their lips would crash together.
But it didn't happen. Instead of kissing her, Bams stopped and stared intently into her eyes which had gone crossed in an effort to continue watching Bams get closer. "Oh you're gonna be high as hell, babes," she said with a chuckle before backing up to smoke again.
Beca tried not to look let down, she wasn't sure she had wanted Bams to kiss her anyway, she wasn't sure if she was ready to cross that line. And It was really bold of her to assume Bams had any interest in her, let alone enough to kiss her out of the blue. She felt her heart sink, but Bams noticed and quickly put the blunt down.
"Hey," she pulled her knees under her and turned her whole body so it was facing Beca, "what's wrong? Are you not feeling okay? We can stop. I'm so sorry I had you smoke, Becs, I shouldn't have."
She genuinely looked upset with herself, not only was she worried that Beca was having a bad high and would never want to smoke again, but she was hiding her own disappointment that they had just been so close and neither of them had made a move to close the gap between them.
In the back of her head she knew it was a good thing, she was so scared to open herself up to someone again. Even Beca, who was so perfect, and sweet, and funny, and talented and seemed to really like her. She had just been too hurt, too hurt to let it happen again, too hurt to even consider trying.
She couldn't help her obvious attraction to Beca, but it was something she'd have to get under control. It wasn't fair to either of them. After all, Beca wasn't showing any interest in being more than her friend either.
After a silence in which Beca seemed to be staring, lost, around the room she coughed and announced, "you know I think I like this." Bams heaved a sigh of relief.
"Oh yeah?"
Beca turned slowly, her eyes blinking even slower. "Mhm, gimme," she stretched out for the blunt, Bams happily passed it over to her and watched with bated breath as Beca smoked once again. In the back of her head Beca knew it was different than watching Bams smoke. She did it so elegantly, like it was second nature, like she and the smoke were one, happily coexisting together. Beca on the other hand nearly lost a lung every time.
This time however she managed with significantly less coughing. "Hey! That was way better!" Bams clapped enthusiastically.
Shrugging like it was no big deal, Beca casually took another pull of the blunt; this time she was less successful and was overcome with a fit of coughing.
"Annnnd back to square one," Bams chuckled with a smirk. Beca's face reddened, more with embarrassment than lack of air.
The blunt became shorter, the room smokier, and suddenly things were becoming far funnier to Beca than they usually were. She was overcome with a fit of giggles when she forgot what she was talking about half way through her sentence; it took nearly five minutes before she was able to breathe without laughing again.
She informed Bams that she really enjoyed smoking not once or twice but roughly five times over thirty minutes. The smile never left Bams' face. Especially after Beca told her quite earnestly that she was the prettiest girl she'd ever seen. This made both girls blush profusely and Bams immediately started rolling another blunt.
Smoking with Beca was exactly what Bams had hoped for; as close as they had become there was something different about being high as hell on the same wavelength with someone. She was enjoying herself, immensely at that, but fear kept gripping her insides. Was opening up to Beca and getting this close a good idea?
No, she didn't think Beca would intentionally hurt her ever, but she thought that about Nef too and clearly that hadn't been true. Not to mention she didn't even know if Beca was into girls, she still hadn't determined the answer yet, but that nervous part of her wasn't certain she wanted to find out.
For now she would just enjoy what they were sharing together.
"Hey, Bam Bam," Beca was laying a while later with her head at the foot of the bed, her legs propped up and her arms spread on either side of her. Bams looked up from her phone, they had fallen into a comfortable silence and were each absorbed in their own thoughts.
"I missed you."
"I missed you too, Becs," she sat up to look at Beca properly, she hadn't moved and was staring at the ceiling.
"You know, this whole thing, you being Aubrey's sister, you being amazing, you wanting to spend time with me…it's just…it's just…amazing," she was waving her hands around now, "I didn't know I was gonna find someone like you…" Bams had stopped breathing while she waited for Beca to struggle through her thoughts.
Beca paused and sat up clumsily, smiling when she saw Bams watching her. "You found someone like me?" Bams prompted causally, trying to keep her voice even.
Beca's grin widened, "oh yeah, ya know, I like you more than my other friends," she paused again looking embarrassed, "that was rude to them, I'm sorry, guys," she buried her head in her hands while she realized she was really only talking about the Bellas.
Bams chuckled then laid back down, her head propped up on her hand while she kept her eyes on Beca. "I like you more than my other friends," she agreed softly. Beca's head whipped around, her eyes wide, the shock written on her face.
"Me?"
"You," Bams' eyes widened playfully. Beca sighed happily and stared at the ceiling, suddenly a dark look crossed her face. Bams' eyebrows knit together in concern, "Wha—"
"Is there grilled cheese?"
Out of every possible thing Beca could have said this was the last Bams had thought would come out of her mouth. She laughed happily and sat up with a stretch, "If the lady would like grilled cheese." Beca was over the moon, and for the matter, very hungry.
Bams got up with another stretch, went to the door and cracked it open slightly, peeking out into the living room to check on Aubrey and Chloe. Luckily they seemed to have woken up and gone to bed. She pushed the door open the rest of the way and motioned for Beca to follow, she got up quickly like a puppy trailing after Bams.
This was the second time Bams had made Beca food, just like the previous time she sat patiently at the bar and watched as Bams nimbly flitted around the kitchen, pulling out ingredients, buttering bread, lighting the stove, all while chatting away happily to Beca. She was on her favorite subject: basketball.
"There's this kid, her name is Caitlin; she's absolutely insane. She's a year younger than me but I swear to god she's miles ahead of me. Like…I score a lot, ya know…" Beca had her chin on her hand, she was watching Bams dreamily; doing her best to listen but struggling slightly. She couldn't help her mind wandering back to when Bams had gotten so close to her earlier.
It was becoming fairly obvious to her now: she was probably gay. For some reason the thought scared her as much as it excited her; she wanted nothing more than to announce it to the kitchen. Make an announcement and see what Bams would say. Would she be excited? Would she admit feelings Beca had been so desperately hoping to hear?
Nef.
The name entered her thoughts. Bams almost punching a wall in distress. The sadness in her voice when she told Beca why Sienna had upset her. It wasn't the recipe for a new crush she thought hopelessly.
Bams smiled at her. "Where'd you go?"
Beca snapped back to attention, she hadn't realized she was so obviously staring. "Sorry."
"Don't apologize. For you, princess," Bams smiled again before sliding the grilled cheese down the bar to Beca. Sending her own down the line after it. They skid to a stop a bit short of Beca.
"Thanks, babe," she kissed the air confidently, Bams answered with one back and a chuckle.
"I like high Beca—"
"I like high Beca," Beca agreed as she tucked into her sandwich and Bams took the spot beside her. Her legs were so long her feet barely hung above the floor while Beca's swayed back and forth with ample space beneath them as she ate happily.
"Bams, what happened with Nef?" She asked suddenly after gulping down a bite and before she could lose the courage. She knew she was prying, but she wanted to know. And it was the one subject they hadn't entertained yet. Perhaps the weed was an encouragement as well.
The breath Bams drew in was quick and sharp. She paused chewing mid bite as she slowly lowered her sandwich. Talking to Aubrey and Chloe about it had been one thing, but talking about it with Beca was a whole other. She wasn't sure she was ready to share all of her feelings with Beca, the girl she was perhaps growing to fall for, especially the ones that still made her want to die from time to time. It didn't seem the most prudent way to start a new relationship. If she wanted that she reminded herself.
She had been quiet for far too long and realizing this, quickly gulped down the food in her mouth. "Ah…why?" She asked as casually as she could muster.
Beca put down her grilled cheese and turned her whole body to face Bams. She looked dead serious. "Because…I want you to trust me…I'm here for you," she placed her hand on Bams' knee. The spot where it lay heated to at least one thousand degrees, Bams looked down and up quickly and Beca withdrew her hand.
"It's not about trusting you…it's just…i don't know…I'm embarrassed about it—"
Suddenly Beca felt truly horrible for asking, "I'm sorry, Bams, I shouldn't have asked, that wasn't right."
"It's okay," Bams said quietly, looking at her plate but seeing nothing. Her brain was congested with thoughts: tell Beca because they were friends, but have to talk about it, don't tell Beca, but lose out on getting closer to her, but keep her business to herself. It was a decision she didn't really want to make and she slightly wished that Beca hadn't asked.
Not as much as Beca wished she hadn't. "I'm sorry," she whispered again. This time Bams heard the sadness in Beca's voice and her heart broke, she knew Beca hadn't been trying to be rude. Suddenly she became extremely comfortable to tell her.
"She cheated on me…a lot…like a lot."
Beca's jaw dropped open, "someone…cheated on—on you—" Bams nodded with a tight lipped smile. Beca couldn't wrap her head around how someone could cheat on this perfect, flawless person sitting next to her. "Do you want me to beat her up?"
Bams head threw back as she laughed and offered her first genuine smile, "my love, she is 6'6" you are far too special to me to risk that pretty little face." She said it and the sound drained from her ears, replaced with heavy silence pressing in. Beca's face swam before her, slightly tinged red and fighting back a smile, the sound returned to her ears as she came to a halt in front of her.
"Hm, I seem to be at a bit of a disadvantage," she nodded knowingly. Bams chuckled again and stood up, grabbing their empty plates. "I could break her knee—"
"You are so precious. And as much as I'd love for you to go all tonya Harding on her," Beca chuckled at this, "I'd feel pretty guilty about ruining her career."
Bams started cleaning up the kitchen, wiping down the counters, gathering dishes and loading the dishwasher. "I wouldn't. How many people did she—"
Bams paused, a dish halfway into the washer. "Ah, the last count I took…um 18–"
"Come on, Bams, let me hit her in the knee with a metal pipe or a pool noodle or something," Bams wanted to laugh, but she couldn't in the moment. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard…cheating on you," Beca explained. "I would literally never do that to you."
At the exact same moment they both realized Beca had said too much. The air froze between them. Beca wanted to disappear on the spot, Bams wanted to rush around the counter, tilt Beca's head back, and kiss her as passionately as she could muster. Beca would have been happy for that if only she hadn't wanted to die at the moment.
"You know…like no one in their right mind would, dude," she managed to say after a brief pause that felt like ten years. She tacked the dude on at the end in the hopes of sounding more casual. The last thing she needed to do was make Bams uncomfortable as she was opening up about her shitty ex girlfriend.
Bams hid her disappointment well, "well, Nef didn't get that message," she chuckled, wiping her hands on a towel at the same time. "Bed?"
She had been worried Bams wouldn't want her to stay the night, but that seemed ridiculous now. The two girls made their way to Bams' room that was bathed in the soft light from the fairy lights strung around the room. Beca wandered over to the basketball section while Bams went to the bathroom and scanned the pictures of Bams with her high school team, trying to find a girl who was also in the UConn pictures.
After a brief moment she spotted the girl left to dead center in both pictures, she was a tall, lanky light skinned girl with long braids that fell down her back. In the first pictures she was standing next to Bams, Beca could just barely make out they were holding hands in their senior year one and her heart pulled heavily in her chest.
The longer she looked at the shelf the more pictures of Nef she saw, it was hard to deny that she was also very pretty; it must have sucked for Bams to have all these memories that she was forced to share with her ex. They had played at every level together, they were saturated in each other's lives.
"She was my best friend," bams had silently walked up behind Beca, startling her. "I'm five hours older than her…it sounds ridiculous, but she was my whole life. Our moms met at the hospital, but four years went by and they ended up working at the same company and recognized each other." She was speaking in a flat tone, like now that she had started she couldn't stop. Part of her was worried she might say too much to Beca.
"Nef and I went to the same school together since we were five and everyone knew we were gonna grow up and fall in love…and they weren't wrong. She was everything to me. Closer than my sister ever was, Nef was there for me every single day of my life. And I was there for her."
Beca watched as sadness came over Bams' face, she didn't like to see her this hurt, Bams hadn't looked away from a shot of the UConn team holding a trophy together. Beca almost wanted to tell her it was okay and she could stop, but another part thought that maybe Bams needed to get it out.
"We both were 6 feet tall by sixth grade," she chuckled," kids are vicious bullies," she commented to Beca, looking at her for the first time. "But I had Nef and she had me and it didn't matter what they called us. We started dating when we were 13 and she is the only girl I've ever been with since then. Wish I could say the same for her."
She took a pause, she was thinking hard about what to say next. Beca didn't want to interrupt so she remained silent, processing everything she had been told so far. She hated that Nef did that to her, she couldn't imagine someone she had known her whole life and trusted cheating on her with 18 people.
"I loved her, Beca, I loved her like I don't think I'll ever love someone again. And you know that's okay," Beca's stomach filled with acid, was Bams telling her she wasn't interested in dating anyone ever. "It wasn't healthy, because she just didn't love me the same. She cheated on me one time and I found out. We worked it out though, but the next year she, ah, went to town." Beca breathed out in relief, okay she hadn't sworn off dating entirely.
Bams glared at the UConn picture briefly. "Whore," she mumbled, making Beca laugh awkwardly. "Sorry."
"Ah, it was definitely whore activities," Beca conceded. Bams cracked a smile. They stared at each other for a moment, Bams looking slightly uncomfortable for once. "Thanks for telling me."
"Oh…yeah. Thanks for asking…I guess…I probably should have talked to someone about it, I don't know, four months ago," she chuckled awkwardly.
"Is that why you're not at UConn anymore?"
Bams nodded her head and looked longingly at the most recent picture of the UConn basketball team. She was standing right from the middle, her hair tightly French braided like it always was when she was playing, clutching the MVP trophy that sat on the shelf beside it.
She chewed on her lip, "couldn't really get past it…a few of them were coaches and players and I couldn't…I just couldn't," never had Beca heard Bams sound more defeated. While she had felt bad the whole time she felt even worse now. She couldn't imagine what it was like to have so many people around you let you down and break your trust at once.
"And ya know, Nef never told me anything. The first time I found out on her phone, the girl was literally calling her in the middle of the night and I answered," the more Bams spoke the more shocked Beca became, Nef sounded like a real piece of work who needed some help.
"And this kid Paige," she pointed to a younger girl with blonde hair dressed in street clothes at the edge of the group, "she found out and told me. So shout out Paige," she chuckled sadly.
"Bams, I'm sorry—"
"Don't be," she finally looked away from the picture to smile down on Beca. "I wouldn't have met you otherwise."
Beca, who had been feeling so down about having asked, felt her stomach do a backflip. She hadn't been expecting that.
She spluttered a response, "oh, that's—that's true…should I be saying thank you to her?" She cracked a joking grin, Bams rolled her eyes and lightly shoved Beca with a smile
"Oh yeah, you could throw in a thanks from me for the severe trauma she caused," there was an awkward silence, "I mean, I'm totally fine."
Beca knew that wasn't true, but chose to let it go. It was clear now that it was best to leave Bams alone for awhile. She would need to get her feelings under control. The last thing Bams needed was someone throwing themselves at her. They grew silent for a moment then Bams sighed, turning to go grab PJs for Beca.
As she rifled through her drawers her mind wandered to whether she should have told Beca all of that or not. Yes she was on the fence about if she was ready to date again, but another huge part was very into Beca and wanted her. As they fell asleep a bit later, once again in each others arms, Bams felt her heart sink as Beca, fast asleep, cuddled into her chest. She wanted her.
She didn't know what she was doing. Or what she would do. She pressed a kiss to the top of Beca's head, felt a tear roll down her cheek and fell into an uneasy sleep filled with thoughts of cheating and dishonesty.
Next afternoon Beca found herself blindly shoving open the door to the radio station, lost in thought; she had just spent the morning with Bams listening to her play all her songs for her. There were so many good ones Beca was excited to work with them. For the record Bams seemed just as excited.
But that could have been from the prospect of working so close to Beca on something so personal. It would be something the two of them shared forever. Without telling each other they once again were thinking the same thing and as Beca made her way through the shelves and crates of vinyls towards the booth she couldn't help but notice the hole in her chest she felt when she left Bams.
Never in a million years did Beca ever think she would be gay, pining away after a girl who she wasn't sure wanted anything from her but to be her friend. The week had nearly been too much for her to process, it had been a much different start to the school year than she had anticipated. Bams had been a surprise and she wasn't recovering well at all.
With every passing minute she was coming more to terms with her sexuality. It all made sense to her now and a part of her was relieved to figure it out while the other part was a bit worried. What about it? She wasn't sure, but some part of her was still scared. At least she would have time alone to think while she was working.
The air was thick and still in the station, afternoon light poured into the room bathing the cds and vinyls in a yellow glow and catching the dust floating through the air, music could be heard playing over the speaker and only then did Beca remember.
Jesse was there.
She sighed heavily as she stole herself for the interaction that was to come, mounting the steps slowly. She hadn't seen him since the week before outside her dorm and missing Bams, school and the station had pushed him from her mind. But there would be no avoiding him as they changed over shifts.
With her mind fully on her sexuality and Bams Jesse really was the last person she wanted to see. But he usually was these days anyway.
"Becs!" He looked up from the computer with his goofy smile in place, he had homework spread out in front of him and the lights low. Beca never understood how he could work that way.
"Hey, Jess," she replied less than enthusiastically. He chose to ignore the lackluster greeting.
"How was your first week of school?"
She mumbled a response about her boring week while she thought about the way Bams fingers had skated across the piano earlier that day. Jesse only had about a quarter of her attention as she put her bag down and got her own laptop out.
"Yeah mine was good," he launched into a story about Benji and a failed attempt to ask a girl out. He laughed at the story and looked at Beca with his brow ruffled when she didn't. She forced a laugh and he relaxed.
He talked her ear off while she setup, her mind on a million other things besides what he was talking about. All of them happened to relate to Bams.
"You seem like you have a lot on your mind," she heard him say a few minutes later as if he was very far away. She was sitting at the desk now, Jesse standing at the door, setting up a queue and biting her lip. Jesse was the last person she wanted to talk to about what was on her mind.
"You know, Becs, you can always talk to me about anything." Beca looked uncomfortable, it didn't go unnoticed.
"I get it," he said earnestly, leaning causally against the door frame, "I wouldn't maybe wanna really talk to my ex about my life either. Except you were my friend way longer than my girlfriend…I just miss you, Becs, and I wish I could be here for you." He started to extend his hand towards her then thought better of it.
The look of discomfort hadn't left her face so he hastily added, "as your friend."
Beca chewed the inside of her cheek, she wasn't really sure how she felt about this either. But the way Jesse was looking at her put her at ease a bit. Maybe she had been a little too distant with him since they broke up.
She sighed again, hoping she wouldn't come to regret this, "you're right."
His head perked up, he hadn't really expected her to respond positively to what he had said. It had been a long time since they'd had this long of a conversation and he was banking on hard headed Beca shutting him down again.
She looked at him unsteadily, "you're sure I can like…talk."
He nodded his head silently.
"Okay…I guess I've just been feeling really overwhelmed this last week. You know with school starting and I'm captain of the Bella's now and the sirens…" she trailed off, not knowing where her sentence was going. Maybe talking through this would help her figure out exactly how she was feeling and what she should do.
Jesse understandingly nodded his head. "It was a long week," he agreed.
"And…I've been thinking a lot lately…but I don't even know what to think about the things I'm thinking about…like I just feel so…confused…and lost," she said lamely at the end. She felt a bit dramatic, but it felt good to get some of it out.
Jesse had an eyebrow raised, "I'm not really following."
Beca cast about trying to find a better way to say it. "Do you ever just not understand what you're thinking?" She looked at Jesse, hoping he might be able to understand what she was trying to say.
"Yeah…I guess so. Like you're trying to figure yourself out, but you just can't?"
"Yes," Beca responded gratefully, "yes. I feel, like, different lately…and I'm trying to…to figure out what's the difference."
She didn't really know how to explain how she thought she was gay without outright saying it, but she wasn't quite ready for that conversation with anyone let alone Jesse. At least she thought.
"Are you…are you okay…mentally," he whispered leaning in like he didn't want anyone to overhear him; it was touching to see him care so much still.
Beca couldn't help but smile, "sort of," she leaned in towards him to whisper back. She moved back in her seat with a sigh. "I just feel like maybe I'm just different than I thought." She truly was struggling to find the right words, but she could feel the anxiety slowly melting off her.
"I'm sorry, Becs, I'm trying to follow, but…you don't have to tell me if you don't want. I don't want you to feel that way, I'm just trying to understand…" Beca could tell he was trying his best not to pressure her.
She looked wearily at him, chewing the inside of her cheek again; she couldn't believe she was having this conversation with him right now. She felt like she couldn't hear, there was a roaring pressing into her ears, all she could see was Jesse's eyes, looking at her like she was a bomb that might go off at any second.
Then she threw caution to the wind, "I—I…I—Jesse..i think I'm gay," she said in a rush, shocking herself as she heard the words come out of her mouth. She was immediately overcome with a major sense of relief, having finally said it out loud, as well as an extreme desire to throw up.
Jesse's eyebrows raised in shock, "oh," he said softly; this clearly was not what he had been expecting. "Oh," he repeated, looking confused again. "That makes…sense…" he trailed off.
Beca buried her head in her hands, embarrassed that she had finally said what she was thinking out loud. And to Jesse no less. And now he didn't even know what else to say to her; she knew she should have kept it to herself as good as it was to get it off her chest.
A second later she felt an arm around her, Jesse had crossed the room to be by her side. "you know, that makes me feel a bit better about you and me," he said gently with a small chuckle. Beca looked up at him through her fingers as if to say this wasn't a laughing matter only to see him smilingly kindly down on her, "why are you hiding, Becs?"
She had buried her head in her hands again; she wasn't sure, it hadn't been as horrible to say it out loud as she had expected; Jesse seemed to be a great audience for it. She just couldn't believe she had actually verbalized what she had been thinking all week.
She picked her head up, looking at Jesse beside her, he was still smiling at her. "There she is," he said brightly when she was finally looking him in the eye again. She remained quiet, "there's nothing wrong with that, beca," he assured her.
With a heavy sigh she leaned her head on him, she was grateful to be here with him. "I know…and thank you—I just feel like it came on so suddenly, but I think it makes sense."
He nodded his head, "I think you might be right. No offense, but you do seem a little—on the gay side."
Beca laughed loudly, "what's that supposed to mean?"
"Becs, I think you almost cried after we had sex."
She pursed her lips, "hm, you know, that's not entirely inaccurate."
It was Jesse's turn to laugh, "I'm sorry, Becs—"
"Don't be," she assured him, "it wasn't your fault…I just didn't know yet."
They were silent for a moment, just appreciating the friendly air between them. Beca realized she really had missed Jesse as her friend. "Look, I'm sorry about…not wanting to talk. I guess it was just another thing I didn't know how to handle."
"It's okay. I know how you are," he smiled at her as he nudged her with his shoulder. "Thanks for telling me though, I really appreciate it. I hope it helped you a bit."
Beca nodded her head, "it did…Jess, would you mind not saying anything to anyone? I don't think I'm ready for that yet."
He promised her to keep it to himself and the silence fell between them again. "Hey…it's not—it's not Bams is it? There's nothing wrong with that I'm just…wondering."
Beca felt her breathing hitch again for the first time since they had started talking and hoped Jesse didn't notice. She paused for a moment, now this was something she definitely wanted to keep to herself. "No—no, it's not anyone. Just me."