Chapter 23 -Not Looking Back
As Elizabeth observed her younger sisters' carefree laughter through the open door, the weight of her decision pressed upon her. They had no idea how close they were to ruin.
Elizabeth wiped her eyes just before she entered the room. She was relieved to see that no one in the room had noticed her disappearance or sudden reappearance. Jane was laughing at something Mr Bingley had just said, her eyes alive with delight.
Elizabeth took her place next to her sister and smiled in a reassuring way. Jane hardly noticed, as her attention was fixed so completely on Mr Bingley. Elizabeth could not blame her - she had enough to worry about.
Elizabeth watched Jane and Mr Bingley, their mutual affection evident. How different her own situation was - a marriage of necessity, not love. It was while she was watching them as they spoke of Town that the thought occurred to her. She did not know where it had come from, in a way she knew that she had always known it.
It was time.
They could continue like this indefinitely but they would not get anywhere. Nothing would have changed, even if Mr Bingley proposed to Jane tonight, it would not solve their problems. Her father would still be dying. Mr Collins would still be waiting for her.
There was no escape.
Elizabeth knew her choice would confound many, but with her father's health declining and the estate entailed away, Mr Collins represented security for her entire family. It was a sacrifice she was willing to make.
Elizabeth glanced at the settee where Mr Collins had fallen asleep. Even in slumber, he seemed to take up more space than necessary
Jane and Mr Bingley deserved time, their courtship should not be rushed, they had only known each other for a few months. There was no way out, and she had chosen this with her eyes open. For once she would do what her mother had advised, she had to forget Mr Darcy and focus on the life ahead of her and be happy with the happiness of her family.
Lydia came towards her, her eyes alive with delight. "Lizzy, what fun this was! It is so much nicer to have a small dance arranged than going to dinner and dancing as an afterthought. Do not you think?"
Elizabeth smiled and agreed with her youngest sister as she glanced again at Jane and Mr Bingley. She did not allow herself to look in Mr Darcy's direction, she knew where he was without looking. She could almost sense his presence.
Lydia giggled, nodding towards the sleeping Mr Collins. "At least Lizzy, you doesn't have to dance with him now. Though I dare say he's less boring asleep than awake."
ooOoo
Darcy released his grip on her arm. Watched as she ran from him as fast as she could. Her face turned from him. Darcy could not believe what had just taken place. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have let his emotions get out of control?
But he had had to know. It was more than he could stand to see that odious little man be anywhere near Elizabeth. It was pure hell, not only to watch Mr Collins taking liberties with her, no that was bad enough. Knowing that it was Mr Collins and not himself that was the one who so permitted. To call her by her Christian name and to hold her hand. It was Mr Collins who she had promised to marry and not him. And the thing that haunted his dreams, was what would liberties Mr Collins would take in the future.
He knew that dwelling on these thoughts would not do him any good. He needed a glass of port. He followed Elizabeth into the other room, keeping his expression as blank as possible. He was grateful that no one noticed that her eyes were red and that his voice was not quite his own. Not that he spoke to anyone for several minutes. He was tempted to go and speak to her again before she left for the evening, and he was about to give into the temptation when the realization that he had nothing to say dawned on him. He had no explanation to give, no excuse to make. His behaviour was inexcusable. She was right, this was his fault as his alone.
She was in an impossible situation, her father was dying, her mother and sisters would be penniless. She had made a choice. She had set aside her own happiness for theirs. She had sacrificed herself for them. He sighed deeply, what a fool he had been, to allow her lack of connections, the behaviour of her mother and younger sisters to influence his forming designs on her sooner. It was only when he had discovered the engagement that he had realized his own feelings for her. And now, when all hope seemed lost to him, they would drive him mad by what have been.
She was also as lost to him as she could ever be. He doubted that they would ever share any more of those intimate moments that he had come to rely on. He should have acted sooner. If only he had not been as cold, if he had been as easy as Bingley. He had thought his friend was a fool, but he realized that it was he that was the fool and not Bingley. No Bingley would be happy with her sister. His attentions had been so marked that no one could have doubted him. If only he, Darcy, had acted in a similar manner it might have been one of her younger sisters, upon whom Mr Collins had decided, and she would have been blissfully free. But such thoughts only seemed to serve in tormenting him.
He watched her, unable to prevent himself. He caught her eye, once, very briefly. She looked away and said something to her sister, Mary. She did not so much as look in his direction for the rest of the evening. She spoke little to anyone. Mr Collins had woken up again, and was sitting by her side, speaking solemnly to her.
Darcy sipped at his coffee, although it may as well have been muddy water for all he tasted of it, he just wanted the evening to be over, for it to ever have taken place. He had reduced the woman he loved to tears, and had forced to her say what he knew and had only brought pain to both of them. He was not sure he would be able to live with himself after that.
He was determined not to allow her to go home without attempting to make amends and he got his chance just before the Longbourn party left. The younger girls were getting their wraps, and gloves. Bingley was speaking quietly to a blushing Jane Bennet. Elizabeth was standing alone at the end of the room looking a the sleeping form of Mr Collins.
He approached her carefully, like she was a horse that might startle if he moved too suddenly. He did not know what he was planning on saying to her, but she broke the silence.
"It would be better if you left, Mr Darcy."
He stared at her, hardly able to understand what she was saying, for it was so foreign to him.
"Hertfordshire, I meant."
"If that is what you wish, madam, then I will of course leave."
She nodded mutely, not meeting his eye. "It will be simpler."
He knew then that he had lost her. She would marry Mr Collins. There was nothing he could do. "Then please allow me to wish you every happiness."
"Thank you."
He turned to go and then paused. He could not allow, he could not permit her to suffer any more than she had to. If there was anything he could do to relieve her pain, than he would do it.
"Miss Bennet, I will leave, but only once you have made me a promise."
ooOoo
Bingley was concerned about his friend. Darcy had never been the most social creature, but he was becoming the most unsocial person Bingley knew. He had not joined in the dancing once. It was a pity that Mr Collins was in the neighbourhood this evening, but really, he could not dance with Elizabeth Bennet all evening.
He had noticed that they had both disappeared for a few minutes at the same time. But not thought too much of it until he had seen Elizabeth Bennet's face when she had returned to the room, and seen Darcy's lack of expression.
Something had passed between them, but he was not likely to find out what it was. He glanced at Jane Bennet, and saw that she too had noticed her sister's face but was choosing not to say anything about it. He followed her lead and talked of Town.
He had planned on proposing to Jane Bennet in the next few days, but she seemed so concerned for her sister's happiness that he thought it best to delay things a little longer. He had watched Mr Collins quite closely that evening. He was not at all suited to Elizabeth Bennet, and he did not think that Mr Collins would continue with the engagement much longer, and from what Miss Bennet had said Mr Bennet was insisting on a long engagement. Once he broke it off, Darcy would be able to take his place and they would both be in a better humour. And so would Jane Bennet.
No, it could not be long at all. It was such a pity it was the middle of winter, had it been late spring or summer they could have gone for a picnic. Mr Collins did not look like the sort of person who would enjoy a picnic. That was the problem with winter, one was forced to remain within-doors. Riding was one way, but would not help in this case. While Jane Bennet was a decent horsewoman, Elizabeth Bennet on the other hand, was not. No, that was not the solution either.
ooOoo
Her surprise was extreme. What possible promise could he want from her? His tone expressed a seriousness she had not expected. It was clear that whatever the promise was he wished her to make was important to him. There was of one thing which her fancy told her– but no, she did not even give it the credit of a second thought. She could not think so low of him to assume that.
"What promise would you have me make?"
"If you find yourself in need of assistance you will mention it in one of your letters to Georgiana. No matter what assistance it is you require."
"You know I cannot promise you that."
"Why ever not?"
"Mr Darcy, what you ask is impossible. You know it is. You are too moral a man-" She looked him in the face and what she saw there scared her more that she would admit. "It is better for both of us this way. You must surely see that?"
"This is all I ask. Grant me this and I will leave to rejoin my sister, never to bother you again."
Elizabeth's heart raced as she agreed to Darcy's request. What could he possibly mean by it? And how could she ever bring herself to ask him for help, knowing what it might imply?
Knowing very well that she would never do what he wished. For a fleeting moment, Elizabeth allowed herself to imagine a future where she might need Darcy's help. The thought both thrilled and terrified her. But no, she chided herself, she had made her choice. She couldn't rely on Darcy's promise as an escape route.
"This is for my family," she reminded herself. "With Father's health failing, and the entail… Mr Collins is our security, our future. My happiness is a small price to pay." He would forget her, fall in love with other.
Mr Darcy had been walking away from her, he paused and then turned back to her. "Miss Bennet, I… I have a letter for you. From my sister. I'm afraid I neglected to deliver it earlier."
He took a letter out of his pocket, fumble slightly, before offering it to her. As Elizabeth takes the letter, their fingers brushed, she found she could not look away.
"Goodbye, Miss Bennet. I wish you… every happiness." He took her other hand gentle in his and brought it to his lips.
Elizabeth's breath caught in her throat.
Mr Collins stirred, blinking owlishly. "Ah, my dear Elizabeth. I hope I haven't missed too much of the festivities. Shall we have one last dance before departing?"
Elizabeth turned towards Mr Collins as Mr Darcy dropped her hand and moved away from her. Her face hot. Elizabeth hastily tucked the letter away in her retinal and moved towards Mr Collins. She would read it later.
As they prepared to leave, Elizabeth couldn't help but compare Mr Collins' lumbering gait to Mr Darcy's graceful stride. She quickly pushed the thought away, reminding herself of her duty.
She turned back to see Mr Darcy leaving the room, he paused for a second by the door, turned slightly to look back at her and then left the room.
As Elizabeth entered Longbourn, the warmth of the house a stark contrast to the chill night air, she found her mind still at Netherfield. She found herself longing for the solitude of her room. The evening at Netherfield had left her emotionally drained, torn between duty and desire. Mr Darcy's parting words echoed in her mind, and she feared sleep would be elusive tonight.
The weight of the evening's events pressed upon her - Mr Darcy's departure, the letter from Georgiana tucked safely in her reticule, and the constant, looming presence of Mr Collins. She barely registered her mother's eager inquiries about the evening, her responses automatic and distracted.
Elizabeth's fingers brushed against the letter in her reticule, a tangible reminder of the choices she'd made and the path she'd chosen. As she climbed the stairs to her room, she steeled herself for the days ahead, knowing that with Mr Darcy gone, her resolve would be easier to maintain. Or so she hoped.
As they prepared for bed, Jane gently broached the subject. "Lizzy, are you quite alright? You seemed… distracted this evening."
Elizabeth's eyes glistened with unshed tears, her breath catching as she tried to explain her conflicted feelings.
"Jane, I've done something foolish," Elizabeth confessed before bursting into tears.
Jane sat down next to her and put her arms around her until she was able to draw breath without crying.
"What is it, Lizzy? What's happened?"
Elizabeth hesitated, then said, "I've made a promise I'm not sure I can keep, or even if I should."
"To Mr Collins?" Jane asked, her brow furrowed in concern.
"No… to Mr Darcy," Elizabeth admitted quietly.
Jane's eyes widened. "Mr Darcy? But I thought…"
"I know. I thought so too. But Jane, he asked me to write to him if I ever needed help. Any kind of help." As Elizabeth recounted her interaction with Mr Darcy, she paced the small space between their beds, unable to sit still.
"Oh, Lizzy," Jane said softly, understanding dawning in her eyes. "And you agreed?"
Elizabeth nodded miserably, "I did. But how can I? I'm engaged to Mr Collins. I've made my choice."
As the gravity of her situation sank in, Elizabeth's face paled, and she sank onto the edge of her bed, suddenly looking exhausted.
"Perhaps Mr Darcy merely meant it as a gesture of friendship?" Jane suggested gently.
Elizabeth shook her head. "You didn't see his face, Jane. It was… more than that."
The sisters sat in silence for a moment, the weight of Elizabeth's words hanging between them.
"What will you do?" Jane finally asked.
Elizabeth's hands trembled as she spoke, her fingers twisting the fabric of her nightgown.
"What can I do?" Elizabeth replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'll marry Mr Collins, as I've promised. And I'll try to forget Mr Darcy's offer. It's the only way."
She paused. " I told him to leave. Mama is right, him being here is makes it harder."
As Elizabeth got into bed, her mind wandered to her future at Hunsford. She imagined herself presiding over tea with the parishioners, reading sermons to Mr Collins, and enduring frequent visits from Lady Catherine. The life ahead seemed… tolerable, if not joyous.
As the house settled into silence, Elizabeth found herself wide awake, her thoughts a tumultuous storm. She silently recited passages from her startle books, trying to drown out the echo of Mr Darcy's voice in her head or the feel of his lips on her skin. Yet, even in her dreams, she couldn't escape the feeling that she was standing at a crossroads, unsure which way to turn.
The thought of leaving Longbourn, of being separated from Jane and her father, made Elizabeth's heart ache. But as Mrs Collins, she'd be able to provide for them, to ensure they always had a home. That knowledge would have to be enough.
The next morning she lit a candle so she could read the letter from Georgiana, she had not realised until she had read it that she had been excepting Georgiana's words to make her path clearer. It was accounting of the time Georgiana and Mr Darcy or Fitzwilliam as Georgiana referred to him, had spent at Pemberley and how excited she was that she was going to be able to come to see Elizabeth in the near future. It was a different side of him then she had been. The doting older brother. Dividing his time between matters of business and insuring that his sister's happiness was seen to. She found herself imagining herself being with them. But quickly shook her head and dismissed such silly notions.
Elizabeth carefully folded Georgiana's letter and tucked it away, her fingers lingering on the paper as if reluctant to let go of this connection to Mr Darcy. She took a deep breath, composing herself for the day ahead, unaware that it would bring news that would further complicate her already tumultuous emotions.
Elizabeth's reflection in the mirror startled her. Her eyes, usually so lively, seemed dull and tired, and her skin had a sallow tinge that even the warm morning light couldn't disguise.
The morning light seemed too harsh to Elizabeth's tired eyes. She moved through her usual routine mechanically, her responses to her family's queries coming a beat too late, as if she were translating from a foreign language.
Elizabeth found herself struggling to focus on even the simplest tasks that morning. She had to ask Mary to repeat herself twice during their conversation about the latest sermon, her mind continually drifting back to the events at Netherfield.
"Lizzy, are you quite well?" Kitty asked, noticing the unusual pallor of her sister's face.
Mr Bingley called on them later that morning. As Mr Bingley announced Darcy's sudden departure, Elizabeth's heart skipped a beat. Elizabeth felt a curious mix of relief and regret wash over her.
She had told him to leave, yet hearing of his actual going stirred a unexpected pang of loss within her. She had convinced herself that his leaving was for the best, yet now that it had happened, she found herself questioning her own resolve. Surely Darcy's absence would make it easier to focus on her duty to her family. Yet another part, one she tried desperately to silence, felt a keen sense of loss. She took a deep breath and clasped her hands tightly in her lap, struggling to maintain a neutral expression as her mind raced with the implications of his absence.
While working on her embroidery, Elizabeth sitting by her father's bedside that afternoon, she found her mind drifting to Georgiana's letter, Georgiana's descriptions of Pemberley in winter. She could almost see the frost-covered grounds and imagine the Darcy siblings ice skating on the lake. For a moment, she allowed herself to wonder what it might be like to be part of such a scene, before firmly pushing the thought away.
The image of Mr Darcy as a doting brother, so different from his public persona, both intrigued and unsettled her. She wondered how many other sides of him she had failed to see, and whether it was too late to uncover them. She found herself wishing she could reconcile this version of him with the proud, difficult man she had first encountered. The thought that she might never have the chance to do so left her with an unexpected sense of loss.
In the days that followed, Elizabeth found herself unconsciously reaching for pen and paper whenever she felt overwhelmed. Each time, she'd catch herself, the weight of her promise to Darcy hanging heavy in her mind.
Elizabeth's pen hovered over the paper, Darcy's words echoing in her mind. But what would she say? 'Dear Georgiana, your brother asked me to write if I needed help, and I find myself…' No, she couldn't. She set the pen down with a sigh.
She stared at the blank page before her, torn between propriety and the desire to maintain this tenuous connection to the Darcys. Mr Collins' voice floated up from the garden, where he was earnestly discussing wedding plans with Mary. Elizabeth's quill remained poised, uncertain, much like her own heart.
"I don't believe my brother, James will not be able to attend the wedding." Mr Collins was explaining to Mary.
She did reply, but Elizabeth could not make out what she said.
"It is most unfortunate," Mr Collins continued, his voice carrying clearly through the house. "James is busy with his studies of the law. He has always has always been a poor student and struggles with his studies. It would be best not to disturb him. Lady Catherine, in her infinite wisdom, suggested that perhaps it was for the best. She believes that long journeys can be quite taxing."
Elizabeth could almost hear Mary nodding in agreement. Elizabeth barely registered Mr Collins' words about his brother. Another relative of Mr Collins was of little consequence to her current state of mind.
"Still," Mr Collins sighed, "I had hoped to introduce him to my dear Elizabeth. James has always been most interested in my prospects for marriage. But I suppose it shall have to wait until we can visit him in the future."
The sound of Mr Collins and Mary's footsteps receded, leaving Elizabeth alone with her thoughts once more. She glanced at Georgiana's letter, still open on her desk, and finally brought herself to pen a brief reply. Apologizing for the delay in replying and giving her the small pieces of news that Longbourn had to offer.
ooOoo
"Well? How was it? Tell me everything!" she exclaimed, her eyes darting between her daughters.
Mrs Bennet listened intently as Jane recounted the evening.
"And Mr Bingley? Was he attentive?" At Jane's blush, Mrs Bennet clapped her hands in delight. "Oh, how wonderful!"
"Mr Darcy was there?' Mrs Bennet's brow furrowed. "I hope he didn't spoil the evening with his proud ways. Did he dance at all, Lizzy?"
Lizzy seemed to be a hundred miles away. Mrs Bennet had to repeat herself.
"Not that I noticed Mama." Lizzy said not quite meeting Mrs Bennet's eye.
"Well that is for the best." Mrs Bennet said sagely patting Lizzy's hand. "Mr Collins I trusted you had a pleasant evening?"
ooOoo
Mr Darcy left for London the next day, Mr Bingley brought them the news of it later that day. Mr Bingley could not account for his behaviour, and told them as much. Mrs Bennet was very pleased with the outcome, she smiled and told Mr Bingley how sorry they were that his friend should have stayed for such a short time.
"I do hope that your own plans to stay in the neighbourhood have not changed by his leaving you so soon? For we would miss your company a great deal." Mrs Bennet asked sweetly.
Mr Bingley said that he was not sure what his plans were. The visit continued pleasantly enough, despite Mrs Bennet's delight in Mr Darcy's leaving the area.
"You will be quite alone at Netherfield." Mrs Bennet continued, "You are most welcome to dine with us whenever you would like. You are always welcome."
Mr Collins left soon after, although not without a long talk with Mrs Bennet and a much shorter one with Mr Bennet about trying to move the wedding up. Elizabeth did not voice her opinion on the matter, for she knew it would not please Jane or her father. She was resigned to her fate, and the sooner that fate arrived to claim her the better, for she would have less time to talk herself out of this course of action. She had made her bed and now she would have to sleep in it. It was the only thing to do.