Ladies and gents...I am dissatisfied. Disgruntled. Dare I say it...My Jimmies are ruffled!
Why am I using such gasp worthy language?! Well, after reading over the previous chapter...I have come to feel like I may have not taken things in the right path that I wanted.
I think I may have over focused on giving Oscar and the Chaos Sisters proper context to the situation, that I ended up filling the chapter up with to much interaction and not enough ACTUAL action or movement.
Don't get me wrong, it will always feel great to write character interactions in my story, but after taking a few steps back and reading things over a few times the newest chapter lacks that "Oomph" of a payoff that should be there.
I didn't utilize "Fallen Gwyndolin" practically at all until the end, when he really should have more of a spotlight as an antagonist because he's basically got nothing left to lose. Kaylen is meant to be a little more decisive and be able to take charge; but I feel like I made him a little too whiney and needing a pep talk to show a little conviction. I completely neglected Seath's involvement and the Moonlight Butterfly he has in place; I really feel like I want a reaction from Priscilla on the Moonlight butterfly as it is a creation of her father.
Speaking of Priscilla, I know I could have done a better job at making her feel "Altered" or fundamentally changed due to her unique bond with the Prophet now. Looking at what I wrote, I may have leaned to far into the feeling of it just being a "Lovey dovey, Imma gonna nom ya" kinda feel instead of the "She is halfway to being an eldritch horror in the costume of a beautiful woman" tone of things.
There is just a lot that I feel I could have acted on better instead of inserting Manus and Kalameet into an already stacked roster.
This is ALL to say that I think I am going to try writing the chapter over again. Workshop things a little and try and hit the sweet spot a little better. I'll leave up what I wrote for the chapter now, but I really think I might want another crack at this.
With that said, feel free to continue to let me know what you guys think, because, holy shit, there are a bunch of you PM'ing and I am definitely getting through them as quickly as I can. There are currently 84 unread PM's since I posted! Thank you guys so much for the inputs! (Although, since the fanfiction website is bugged, I don't get email letting me know you guys and gals got words to say. So review normally so I can brag, ya personal messaging maniacs!) ;-;
But anyway, while I'm here I might as well answer...
A few reviews (Or rather, mostly PM's) that caught my eye!
TooManyPotatoes46: Hey! I love what you're doing with the story so far. I don't see nearly enough Fanfictions with Priscilla actually being a big focus.
But I will say that you might be toeing the line with how vague the Prophet powers and the reach those powers extend. You have an interesting prospect with Kaylen's trauma taking on a persona or manifestation, but you need to actually do something with it or else it just become filler eventually. I'd say, though Kaylen has come to terms with his inner side (Which I am taking as him facing his trauma and rage), I'd advise having his growth to be more controlled and explosive now. He's not a newbie anymore, so it wouldn't be crazy to be less subtle with his changes; that you can actively show his muscles growing stronger or have his use of Pyromancy grow more outlandish.
You said you didn't want Priscilla's actions to just fall to the background, but I'm afraid it's seems like you might be mistakenly heading down that path as it doesn't seem Kaylen is suffering from true tangible after effects. Not the threat of repercussions, not the suggestion of repercussions; You need to touch more on that "Dragon" side of Priscilla. You did amazing with the payoff of Priscilla losing control and wrecking everything, but now comes the hard part of following the aftermath.
The moment with the three waifu's interacting was good and a long time coming, but I think there should be a little more urgency or weight between priscilla and Kaylen. I'd recommend maybe having Priscilla "crumbling" or possibly at risk of dying due to the unique bond she's made with Kaylen. Maybe have them both start to regress into a state where they are perpetually drawn to one another in a more mindless combative state; kind like how Kaylen's inner self is trying to survive against Priscilla's inner hunger. This could give the feeling of urgency and wouldn't go against the bonding moment they shared, and better set up a lead up to them needing Seath and his knowledge.
But it's you story and I am loving how it's going so far. Looking forward to seeing more of it. Sorry if this is a bit long BTW.
My Response- ...You know what, you are absolutely right and thank you for the honest feedback. And it is absolutely no problem with your message being long, critisim and feedback are the name of the game for writing things if you ask me.
And I think you're ideas for Kaylen, as well as his bond with Priscilla, are really spot on and creative. Really makes me feel like I really didn't add enough gas to the last chapter. I do feel like I need to actually do something with Kaylen's inner self, but have been a bit on the fence with the direction to take it. If I'm following you're thoughts well enough, you think I should make his adaption more notciable and maybe more immediate; Kinda like Garou from One Punch Man which defineitly isn't and all that bad idea.
The only thing is that I'm trying to balance Kaylen's capabilities so that every problem can't just be "adapted" to by him otherwise I feel like it would take away any stakes. But your idea of having him and Priscilla sort of "crumbling" due to their bond might cover that; Like having them sort of black out and just go at it like two powerful forces of hunger and evolving darkness.
I'll think things over and workshop this, but I am definitely intrigued.
Bcbell09- I learned recently, that a lemon isn't naturally occurring, and is instead a crossbreed between an orange and a citron! which means, LIFE NEVER GAVE US LEMONS, WE INVENTED THEM ALL BY OURSELVES!
My Response- Impossible...IMPOSSIBLE! AAAAAAAAAHHH! *Goes insane from this eldritch truth not meant for mortal minds*
YAOld- I am writing through a translator
Firstly, now I have a feeling that we have moved, so to speak, to Dark Souls 2. And therefore, if I'm right with this, then we can expect the appearance of the Ivory King (the True GIGAChad in all of DS).
Secondly, why Aldia never appeared, he somehow exists outside of the Primordial Flame and Darkness/Abyss. At the very least, he should have been interested in the Protagonist.
Thirdly, for me alone, from the description of the image of the Chaotic Dragon Oscar, for some reason the image of the Old Iron King is drawn (I wouldn't be surprised if the image of Oscar's new form was inspired by him)
P.S. something too many Dark Souls 2
My Response-You have no idea how many times I legitimately wanted to dip a toe into bringing in Dark Souls 2 characters like Aldia, but I hold off on pulling the trigger on that because I already have a full roster of key characters of notable worth and I don't want to overcrowd the roster and end up with a bunch of hanging threads that I have to struggle to tie together.
Sure, I could definitely write Aldia in, but I think I'd have a tough time actually incorporating him into real relevancy in the story.
CrimsonCarousel929- Just got done reading the newest chapter and there was just something so cute to me about Velka and Quelaan's interaction in the beginning of the chapter. I love the moment touching on these characters who might have known each other once upon a time.
But moving on to a bit of negatives, I personally want to see more moments like this. I wasn't sold with Quelaan and Quelaag's characters at first, but now I'm looking forward to what they have to say. Especially since Oscar has made them legitimate threats with his ability to buff them now.
So I'm a bit disappointed that there wasn't more unique interactions from them as there is still a lot that Kaylen has over them, like the fact that two of their sisters are alive or their mother is now a demon-birthing monster. There is a lot of untapped potential that could gain him a crafty ally.
My Response- See, it's messages like this one that really make me want to take another crack at writing the chapter over again because you're right. There is a ton of potential for interaction that I didn't explore. Writing is haaaaaaard.
AngleOfDemise- Hi, just read the new part of the story and I think you did a great job with how the story's going.
If I can throw my two cents your way, I was hoping to see more dragon-fication on Kaylen and Velka and demon-fying from Oscar and the twins. I think I would work amazingly to see them traveling further and further from what they once were into something more powerful. Plus it would be exactly what you're looking for when you said that you want Kaylen and Oscar to parallel one another.
Kaylen could lose more and more of himself to priscilla consuming him and Oscar could lose more and more of himself to the raging power of chaos. Icy adaption vs fiery chaos.
My Response- Oh my god, where are these amazing ideas when I'm staring at a blank word document with absolutely no idea what the heck I'm gonna do.
This sounds amazing with the implications of Kaylen and Oscar losing more of themselves to their higher powers and I LOVE where that kind of thing could lead. (Also, Dragon-fication and Demon-fying are going directly into my personal vocabulary.)
Alright, guys. That's the big update I wanted to share with you all. Thanks for stopping by to hear me out.
I'll continue to read the rest of you guys PM's and if any of you guys wanna chime in with any more suggestions about the story, feel free to shoot them my way.
This is Supreme Gamer, Signing out.