Questions ring through Riza's mind the following day as she sits, alone again, in her apartment. He'd taken her to dinner, kissed her, made her come until she lay breathless in his arms, told her he loved her…asked her to leave her career and join him here in Central with hardly a word of explanation, and now….what?
She still doesn't know what he expects her to do. She's gathered he had need of her for some clandestine purpose, some business for which she couldn't be actively in the military. She hadn't expected there to be anything romantic left between them, not after everything, and now she's left confused.
His knock at the door comes much earlier than she expects it, around two o'clock in the afternoon. She hasn't even begun to dress for their dinner date.
Today, he wastes no time with propriety, drawing her into an embrace the moment she closes the door. His kiss is light, somehow still leaving a little shiver running down her spine.
"Ready to go?" he asks.
"Roy, wait," Riza laughs a little, leaning back to gaze up at him. "Roy, we've got to talk," she says, but he cuts her off with another kiss, and this time she faintly hears him whisper:
"Not here."
The charming smile on his face portrays nothing of his inner thoughts, and Riza tries to make hers match.
"Charmer," she says, flirtatiously as she can manage. "Let me just get my purse."
—-
This is without a doubt, Riza is sure, one of the strangest dinner parties she will ever be invited to.
They arrive at Maes Hughes' home in Central. Riza is first introduced to a very pretty young woman, about her own age, Hughes' fiancé Gracia Hart.
But before she's had time to do more than shake hands and say "Pleased to meet you," Roy grabs her hand, tugging her with him as he and Maes descend into the basement of the first-floor apartment, all the while exchanging information at rapid speed that has her struggling to try to keep up, literally and figuratively
"So, Breda," Roy says, using his free hand to thumb quickly through a file Hughes has just handed him.
"Yup, Heymans Breda. He's more impressive on paper than he is in person, to be honest with you, but Havoc highly recommended-."
They reach the door to the basement room, and Riza is surprised to see Maes reach for a padlock. He unlocks the room with a key that he withdraws from somewhere (built into his wristwatch, she would later learn), and then Roy is tugging her inside.
Her eyes widen as she takes in the room.
"Welcome to Operation Kingmaker, Ms. Hawkeye," Hughes says, gesturing expansively, then doubling over with an "Oomph," as Roy elbows him in the ribs.
"I've told you, Hughes. We're not calling it that."
Their banter fades into the background as Riza's eyes flit from surface to surface. There's papers everywhere: maps, handwritten lists, typewritten copies, and photographs. In the middle of everything, posted on the far wall, there's a map of Amestris, a photo of Roy, and below his, several smaller photos of other people. First is a snapshot of Maes and Gracia. Next to it is a photograph she recognizes as herself, from her military ID. How could they have that? There's an attractive blonde man in the next photo, and, as she watches, Roy adds a photo of a heavyset red-headed man next to it.
Kingmaker, she thinks. He called it "Operation Kingmaker"...Roy. King. Oh.
She spins to face the men, her eyes alight.
"Fill me in," she says.
—-
Roy spends every spare moment with Riza, going on dinner dates and walks through the park; to concerts, local farmer's markets, and street fairs. Fortunately, a year after his return, the press have started to lose interest in the "Hero of Ishbal", but they're still careful to avoid places that are likely to have a strong military presence or events that would be covered by the press. Roy does not sleep over, and they wait for an opportune time to publicly reveal their relationship. They have "business meetings" with Maes every chance they can manage.
Of course, Roy's planning meetings with Riza and Maes are often anything but business-like. As soon as the whiskey is poured, they tend to dissolve into Roy and Maes plotting exactly how to change the dress-code for female military officers, while Riza wanders upstairs to chat with Gracia, who has quickly become a close friend. The meetings also tend to end with Roy walking her home, then playfully insisting on coming in to check that there are no intruders waiting within to kidnap her and torture her for information on their secret meetings. Of course, once he's inside the apartment, there is usually no suitable reason for him not to stay a while….
The longer she stays in Central, the more Riza finds herself growing restless. She is happy, so completely happy. She loves Roy. She's loved him since she was 15 years old, and she believes in him with all her heart. She trusts his intentions in his goal to become the President Fuhrer King of Amestris. This version of Roy is the man to whom she'd entrusted her back, so different from the broken shell of a man she'd known in Ishbal.
She enjoys the friendships she is establishing with Maes, Gracia, and the other members of Roy's team. She starts getting to know Chris and Roy's sisters and helps with passing information back and forth between them.
She is so completely happy….
So, why, she wonders as she descends the steps of the city bus, am I trekking out here to the military shooting range three times a week without telling Roy? Why haven't I filed my final termination papers? Why does it feel like the bottom is falling out of everything?
She starts chewing her fingernails again, and her nightmares about Ishbal become more and more frequent. She spends too much time alone. Without work to fill her days and her mind, a voice in her head that sounds much like her Father's begins to echo through her thoughts, peppering them with words like useless, brainless, lazy.
Everytime she brings up Ishbal, Roy refuses to talk about it. He wants the past to stay in the past, to move forward, but Riza just feels like she's getting left behind. He's fine, perfectly fine. She's unraveling at the seams, piece by piece.
—-
"Hey Maes?"
"Hm?"
The two men sit in Maes' kitchen, watching Gracia and Riza as they wash the dishes from dinner. Gracia always insists on bringing dinner for the trio before they begin their meetings. She knows they're planning something, but Maes doesn't want her involved in the specifics. It's dangerous, what they're plotting.
Sometimes, Roy questions his own decision to bring Riza into the secret plans, and he does keep her out of many things. He values her opinions and observations like gold and sets her the task of passing information between himself and Aunt Chris, publicly distancing himself from his adopted family so he can better utilize his aunt's connections. He knows, in the back of his mind, that he isn't employing Riza's full skill set, but he doesn't want her to use the skills she learned in the military. He wants those parts of her life to be over. He wants her to forget the violence and bloodshed.
He likes to pretend that he's okay, and he wants what Hughes and Gracia have, the simplicity of a relationship that's free from memories of blood and sand, free from the responsibility to atone for their terrible crimes. He wants it with Riza.
"Where did you buy Gracia's ring?" he asks Maes.
Hughes glances sidelong at his friend.
"From Grayson's on Court Street. Why do you ask?"
Roy shrugs, chuckling as he watches the two women in the kitchen interact.
"I may be making a trip there myself sometime soon," he says, trying to sound nonchalant.
"Roy," Maes says seriously, grabbing his friend by the shoulders and looking into his eyes. "This is a very important matter."
Roy grins.
"I know that, Hughes. I know we're not ready to go public, but I thought I'd go over there and take a look at some rings, just to be prepared when the time comes."
"That's WONDERFUL!"
"Shut up, would you?" Roy grumbles, clapping his hand over Hughes' mouth. "I don't want them to hear you!"
"But, Roy, don't you understand? I'm the perfect person to help you, " Hughes hesitates, looking around surreptitiously and speaking behind his hand. "Buy a ring for Riza," he finishes in a whisper.
"Thanks for the offer, buddy," Roy responds, "But I think it's something I'd rather do on my own if you don't mind. I was only looking for the recommendation."
"But, Roy!" Hughes protests. "I have PICTURES!"
"Pictures?" Roy repeats, paling at the idea.
"Of course! I took pictures of every engagement ring in the shop before I picked out the one I was going to buy for Gracia! I'll pull them out, and we can look at them together before you decide. It'll be FUN!"
"Maes," Roy tries to protest, "That's really not necessary. Trust me-." He is cut off as Maes grabs his arm, pulling him from the kitchen. Roy manages to wrap one arm around the corner before Maes drags him off to his office, but Hughes gives a hearty tug, and Roy's arm falls away.
—-
"I wonder what those two are up to now?" Gracia asks with a giggle as they see Roy's arm disappear around the corner.
"I have no earthly idea, but they are acting pretty suspicious," Riza replies, wiping her hands on her apron.
"I suppose we'll find out eventually. We always do," Gracia says, smiling at her friend.
Riza nods her agreement. Gracia hands her another dish to try.
"Riza," Gracia says quietly after a few moments of calm. "Do you want to talk about it?"
She's perceptive, uncannily so at times. Riza doesn't respond, and Gracia continues.
"I know that what you went through in Ishbal must be hard to live with. I've noticed you jumping at loud noises, and from the circles under your eyes I can guess you aren't sleeping. Sometimes you get such a distant look on your face." She pauses and sighs. "It's the same with Maes when he thinks too much about the war. I know none of you like to talk about it, but I'd like to be here for you if I can."
Suddenly, just the task of standing there drying dishes seems unbearably tiring, and Riza moves to sit at the kitchen table, dropping her head into her hands. Gracia quickly removes her dish gloves and goes to sit by her friend, waiting patiently until Riza feels ready to talk.
"It's not just Ishbal," she tries to explain. "Well, it is. It's also Roy." She lifts her head. "Sometimes I don't understand how he can be so okay, so happy." She shakes her head. "And it isn't that I'm not happy with him. I am. But I also feel like-like I don't deserve that after everything I've done. Roy has plans to move forward, and…. Well, you don't need to know the details. That's between you and Maes. I'm helping him, but I need to- to do more."
Gracia nods slowly.
"So, what does it look like, in your mind, to do more?"
"I think.… Well, sometimes I think I'd be more effective if I stayed in the military. There's so much of Roy's work that I can't be involved in from the outside."
"But if you went back to the military…"
"It wouldn't even be going back," Riza admits. "I'm technically still on leave. I applied for a transfer to Central."
"Does Roy know that?"
Riza swallows hard.
"No. He thinks I'm out for good. But technically right now we're breaking the military's anti-fraternization policy."
"You aren't under his command."
"It doesn't matter. He's still a superior officer by more than two ranks, so he can't be considered a peer." Gracia takes a sharp breath.
"And it would be damaging to his image if you were discovered. You couldn't be together publicly if you stay in the military," she concludes.
"I love him," Riza says in a small voice. "But I'm not sure I know how to support his goals from outside the military."
"Just be there for him. Be his love and support when he comes home at the end of the day." Gracia smiles encouragingly, but Riza shakes her head.
"I'm glad for you, that you and Hughes have that. I truly am, but I'm not you, Gracia." She closes her eyes. "The things I've done…."
"I know," Gracia says kindly, reaching for her hand. "Maes has told me a lot of things about the war. I know it was terrible."
"I don't think anyone who didn't live it can understand, Gracia. I'm so happy that you don't have to live under the same burden that we do. I-," she breaks off. "I have a larger burden than Roy and Maes, in a lot of ways."
Gracia frowns.
"My decisions," Riza continues, "the actions I took were…naive and foolish. Things would have turned out so differently, especially for Roy, if I had just made better choices. I-I can't say more than that about it."
"Okay." Gracia squeezes her hand. "We don't have to talk about it."
"I have to find a way to do more. I can never be released from the burden of it, and I have to find a way to carry it. I'm not doing enough."
"Have you talked to Roy about how you're feeling? Maybe there's more you can do as a civilian."
"I know I have to try. He never wants to talk about the war. He seems so…okay."
"And you're not okay. I don't think he is either, though."
"Maybe not. He won't let me into that part of him. I-I don't know if I can keep things going the way they are. I need-." She struggles to find the right words. "I need to be more than just his girlfriend or-or anything more than that. I need to do the work. The best ways I can think of to do that are from inside the military."
"And that would mean that you can't be together? Not-not at all? Ever?"
Finally, the dam inside her breaks, and a tear rolls down Riza's cheek.
"I'm starting to think it's the only way I can live with myself. I'm a murderer Gracia."
"No, no Riza," Gracia soothes, shaking her head. "It was war, you were fighting enemies, that's not-."
"It wasn't like that," Riza says. "It-it…I don't want to burden you with it. I know I can never make up for all I've done, not unless-." She stops just short of admitting to Gracia that she and Maes have talked about conducting war crimes trials, about turning themselves in for justice to be served. She doesn't need to know that. Maes is against the idea, and Riza hasn't been able to bring it up with Roy. "Well, not unless things change. I need to be a bigger part of that change."
"Talk to him, dear," Gracia encourages. "That's all I can tell you is to talk with each other. Just be open with him. I'm sure you'll find a way to sort things out."
Riza isn't sure of that at all, but she knows that her friend is right. It's time to confront Roy about her move to Central.
—-
A few days later, they find themselves once again in her apartment late at night.
"Roy, you have work in the morning," Riza moans softly as her lover rains kisses down on her neck.
"It's only midnight," he replies with a mischievous grin.
"Yes," Riza says, pushing him gently away, "And you told me before we went to Maes' that you had paperwork to finish before going into the office!"
"I don't wanna," Roy whines, sounding like a child. Riza shakes her head, refusing to dignify this with a response. She begins shuffling through the pile of work on his home desk, trying to sort out which things are absolutely necessary and which can be held over for a night. She doesn't know exactly what she's looking at, but she wants to help guide him, to keep him on task. Suddenly, as her eyes skim the words on a page, Riza stops.
"What?" Roy asks, plopping down in his chair, resignedly.
"What is this?" she asks, holding up the paper.
Roy visibly pales when he sees the document she holds, his eyes going dull.
"It's nothing," he mutters, roughly grabbing another piece of paperwork and starting to fill it out.
"It's about Ishbal," Riza frowns, reading. "They want the details of the alchemy you used in the war?"
She is horrified at the thought. The State can't study flame alchemy. Riza had thought she could trust Roy never to misuse her father's research again. She does not trust the military. "They're ordering you to give them the secrets of flame alchemy?"
"No, not exactly," Roy replies, still pretending to work on his papers.
"Roy, talk to me," Riza insists.
Roy sighs and looks up at her.
"They want a detailed account of how I killed with my alchemy," he says bitterly. "They want to know exactly how many men, women, and children I burned to death. How many buildings I set on fire. How many times I snapped my fucking fingers out there."
Riza frowns, then walks to the other side of the desk and sits across from him.
"Well, I understand why you didn't want to do your paperwork, now," she says wryly.
Roy lets out a hoarse chuckle.
They are both silent for several long moments, and then the moment Riza has been dreading arrives, and the bottom finally falls out.
"Roy," she says quietly, "What am I doing here?"
He looks up, glances back down briefly at the offending paper, then returns his gaze to hers with a sigh.
"We're doing what we can. Pressing forward." He shrugs.
"No," Riza says slowly, "I mean, what am I doing?"
He shakes his head.
"Why did you want me to come to Central?" Riza asks.
"I wanted you here," he says, as though it were an obvious answer. "I need your help."
Riza is silent for another long moment, then she asks, "How, exactly?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, how do you need my help?"
Roy frowns. "Everything you're doing," he says. "Planning with me and with Maes, meetings at Chris', supporting, organizing." He looks down at the papers before him, not meeting her gaze.
"And why….why do I have to be a civilian to do those things?"
Roy's gaze snaps up to hers.
"Why do you think?" he huffs.
"I think it's because of anti-frat regs," she replies, and he raised a finger comically as if to say Ding! Correct answer. She purses her lips, nonplussed, and Roy shrugs again.
"You had to resign, for us to be together. It's what you want, right?"
"Of course," Riza says, then winces internally at the rapid speed of the reply. She realizes how disingenuous she sounds.
"We couldn't speak openly over the phone or in a letter," Roy justifies his decision.
"No," Riza agrees. "No, we couldn't have spoken about your plans." She sighs. "You could have told me why you wanted me to resign, though. That didn't have to be a secret."
Roy leans back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest with a deep scowl.
"It's what you wanted, though," he says again.
"Yes," Riza says, but her response comes much more slowly this time. "I mean…." Too slowly. "If I'd had a choice, I-"
Roy cuts her off.
"You'd what, Riza? You'd stay in the military instead of being together?"
"No," she says again, but her head is starting to spin. The conversation is picking up momentum, and not in a good way.
"No," Roy agrees. "Of course not." There is something a little aggressive, no, perhaps defensive, in the set of his jaw.
"I could have worked under you," she suggests softly. "I could have supported you from inside the military and been involved in the day to day workings of your plans." The look on Roy's face turns black.
"I think the higher-ups might have noticed my girlfriend working in my office," he snaps.
"If I wasn't your girlfriend," she says quietly. "There's more I could do."
"Well, you are," Roy grumbles, clearly not wanting to pursue this line of conversation as he starts to ruffle through the papers yet again.
"Why are you doing it?" Riza tries a different tactic.
"Doing what?" Roy responds mulishly.
"Why are you fighting to become fuhrer?"
"For…for reform, Riza, obviously," he snaps. They don't speak openly of his goal outside their War Room in Maes' basement, but she has to say these things.
Riza sighs in frustration.
"No. I mean, I know that. But for yourself- why?"
"It's not for me," Roy growls.
"That's not what I mean," she groans. "I mean- it's atonement, right?"
"Atonement?"
"For Ishbal. That's why you're doing it?" Roy stands so fast his chair flips over.
"If you don't know the answer to that-," he begins angrily.
"I do, I do know. I'm trying to make you see, it's just-. Don't I deserve that chance, too?" Riza asks. She holds her hands up towards him as if in supplication, but Roy is beyond angry, now.
"Deserve?" The word seems to ignite a fire within him. "Do you think any of this is about what we deserve? I deserve a fucking firing squad, and so do you!"
Riza blanches white, and he takes a sudden step backwards, as if to protect her from himself at his worst.
Slowly, with deliberate calm, though refusing to meet his eyes, she stands.
"Riza," he says quietly, her very name an apology on his lips. She turns and walks out of the room, heading for the front door, and Roy follows her. "Please don't go." Roy's voice is gravelly but quiet. "It's late; it's not safe to walk alone. I-," he trails off as she picks up her handbag, opening it to remove her side pistol.
She shows it to him, not a threat, but a reminder that she is more than capable of protecting herself. She walks out into the night, and the door clicks softly shut behind her.
—-
It's been an hour since she returned home before three loud knocks sound at Riza's door. She rises from the perch where she's been waiting at the edge of her small kitchen table, and opens it. She'd known he couldn't leave her alone for long after all that was said.
"I'm sorry," he says without preamble. It started to rain when she was halfway home, and Roy looks soaked through.
She steps aside to let him in, and goes to get a towel.
"Why didn't you drive?" she asks.
Roy winces as he closes the front door behind himself.
"I had a few drinks," he says honestly, and though she can't hear it in his voice (never would), she can see the dullness around his eyes as he takes the towel from her. They'd had wine with dinner, drinks after, and he'd been sipping a whiskey at his apartment before their argument.
Riza sighs, and returns to her perch against the kitchen table, folding her arms as she looks at him.
"I'm sorry," Roy says again. He doesn't approach her, but stays by the front door, uncomfortably wringing her towel in his hands. "I should never have-".
"It's late," Riza says quietly, not meeting his gaze. "Can we talk about it in the morning?"
Roy winces as he glances at the clock over her head.
"I have to be at work in four hours," he reminds her. Riza sighs and nods.
"You're going to be exhausted," she says quietly, and Roy shrugs.
"Won't be the first or last time. Can we sit?" He cocks his head towards the living room, then follows her towards it, draping the towel over one of the kitchen chairs.
"I'm sorry."
Riza sighs as she sits next to him.
"So you've said."
"I should never have said that. I don't think that."
Riza makes a wry sound between a snort and a laugh.
"Yes, you do. You wouldn't be pursuing-."
"No," Roy says emphatically. "Not you, never you, Ria. I could never….I would never…." He can't even bring himself to say aloud what he's always been planning for himself, can't admit to her now that the thought of a firing squad has been a part of his end goal all along, but she knows it now.
"The truth," Riza says heavily, "is that we both deserve to be executed for our crimes. So does every other officer, sniper, and state alchemist involved in Ishbal. We both know that."
Roy doesn't argue.
"And neither of us wants to admit it when it comes to the other. But we're each more than happy to condemn ourselves."
Roy hangs his head.
"It's not about that," Riza says honestly. "About what you said. That doesn't hurt me, because it's true." He looks up, and she takes a deep breath, then pauses.
"How drunk are you? I don't think I can say all this again."
Chagrined, Roy grunts, "I'll remember."
"You manipulated me," she says quietly after a few moments, "to get me to Central. You wanted me to resign my commission and come…to be here with you."
"I want to marry you," Roy says softly, and she hisses in a quick breath through her teeth.
"Why couldn't you have said that?" she whispers. "Why leave me alone and wondering for a year, and then lure me out here, like you had a job for me, something important to do, or-".
"Being together isn't important?" Roy presses. Riza squeezes her eyes shut tight, and for the first time she feels tears threaten, but she doesn't let them fall.
"Don't do that," she pleads. "Don't make it out to sound like I don't want to be with you, like I don't love you, it's not-."
"Okay," Roy says, holding up a hand in surrender. "That wasn't fair. I'm sorry."
"Why couldn't you have told me how you felt, and then asked me what I wanted?"
Roy sighs.
"You know why," he says quietly, but she shakes her head.
"I have a lot of guesses, but I need to hear it from you. Please."
Roy takes in a slow breath, then lets it out.
"I didn't want to risk your rejection until I had a chance to show you what I was trying to do, what I'm trying to build. I knew I'd done wrong by you, after Rhiannh." Riza takes in a breath to interrupt, but Roy holds up his hand again to stop her. "No, that's not what I mean. I understand why you asked me to burn it, and that's not….I'll always wish I hadn't, but I'll always understand why I had to. I mean not being there for you after."
"It had to go down as a combat injury. We agreed on that, you-".
"I could have done more, afterwards. I was a coward, and I'm sorry."
Riza nods sadly.
"It's not too late," Roy insists. "I realize now. I-I've done all of those things. You-You're right. But we can still fix it. You'll see."
Now she shakes her head.
"Don't you see," she asks. "You've found a way to atone for your sins. But I have to atone for mine."
"You will," Roy says. "We will, together."
"I don't know if it's something you can do with another person."
"Riza. Come on."
"No, Roy. I don't know how to do this with you. You need a partner, a companion. You need a political wife that's not stained by the war, who can just be there to love and support you. I wish that was me."
She takes in a sharp breath, knowing he wants to argue.
"Roy, your sins are my sins. I can't go along with you, helping you to atone for your crimes without facing my own. It doesn't work like that. It can't work like that. Not for me."
Roy groans.
"What are you saying, Ria?"
"I never resigned my commission. I was using back-logged leave and short-term disability from my injury. I-I know what I'm choosing, to walk away from you. But it's up to you to say how far I go. Let me work with you. Let me work under your command."
Roy shakes his head, "No, Riza."
"You don't get to decide for me! I have to atone for my own crimes my own way. I have to serve." She stands up and walks back towards her bedroom. "I'm sorry," she says quietly. "I know this wasn't what you wanted, but we-," She breaks off, as Roy storms past her, his face blank. "Roy, wait."
He doesn't slow down again, and she doesn't call after him into the night.
—-
When Roy arrives at Maes' front door, the sun is starting to rise. He must have walked through the city for hours in the dark, and he doesn't remember deciding to come here or even where he's been. He knocks.
Hughes is wearing his uniform when he comes to the door, getting ready to leave for work.
"Roy?" He frowns at his friend's appearance and ushers him inside. "Are you okay?"
"No," Roy says. He walks to Hughes' living room and slumps onto the sofa, burying his face in his hands.
Maes crosses his arms, peering down at him through his glasses.
"Okay," he says quietly. "I'm going to go call the office. I'll say we're both coming down with something."
Roy nods and waits for his return.
Hughes sits down in an armchair across from him a few minutes later and waits for Roy to speak.
"Riza," he says quietly, still staring at the floor. "She's leaving me."
Hughes takes in a quick breath, wincing.
"What happened?"
Roy shakes his head.
"I fucked it all up, that's what happened."
"Well, yeah," Hughes says wryly. "I figured that. But how?"
Eventually, Roy mutters, "Ishbal."
Hughes frowns and waits for further information.
"I let her think I wanted her to be a bigger part of our plans when I asked her to move here. I didn't tell her why I was asking." Roy shakes his head. "I left her alone when we got back. I wasn't there for her after she…well, you know she was injured."
Hughes doesn't know about Riza's back. It isn't Roy's secret to tell. Maes sucks in a quick breath, and Roy looks up, his brow creased.
"What?" he asks.
Hughes purses his lips.
"Well…I may have had a hand in that," he admits. "I made sure she was transferred to the West after the war."
"What do you mean?" Roy fairly growls, and Hughes sighs.
"Look, you were a mess. I don't know what happened, Roy, but you were a fucking mess after you came back from Rhiannh. That shit with Heathcliff…I wasn't sure you were going to come back from that."
"We were all a fucking mess, Hughes!"
"Exactly! You didn't need to be dealing with her mess on top of your own. You want me to work under you and support you to the top? That's part of it, is watching out for stuff like this. Look, I did what I did." He shrugs.
Roy shakes his head.
"Fine. I'll be pissed off at you about that later," he grumbles. Then he sighs. "I still should have reached out to her. I was a fucking coward."
"So she's still mad about it?"
"No. She's not mad, I don't think. She-," he breaks off, trying to explain what he barely understands himself. "She says she wants to atone. For Ishbal. She says she can't do that if we're together."
"Hmmm."
"What?"
"It sounds like she's still a mess."
"What, and we're not?"
"I don't know," Hughes says slowly. "You're…better. Better than you were."
Roy gulps.
"And you?"
Hughes huffs a chuckle.
"I'm getting married, what do you think?"
Roy shakes his head again.
"I think a lot about what you said that night, Hughes. About moving on with Gracia when you got back... Being able to touch her and love her after all you've done." Hughes clenches his jaw, but Roy goes on. "I want that with Riza. I don't want to talk about Ishbal or think about Ishbal. I just want to be together and let that be enough."
"Roy," Maes says slowly. "I was being an idiot." Roy looks up at him sharply. "Thinking I could hide all of it from Gracia? A complete idiot," he spits. "It wasn't easy, but I've told her…a lot. Probably not everything, but we've talked about it. I had to."
Roy frowns deeply.
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying you've been trying to live in an unrealistic fantasy. You can't expect her to be ready to just ride off into the sunset with you with all of that on her shoulders. You've gotta share it and work through it together."
"I don't know if I can do that."
Hughes shrugs.
"Then you're not ready."
"It's not about that!" Roy snaps angrily. "She wants to stay in the fucking military, Hughes! She wants to atone and stand trial and-." He breaks off.
Hughes sucks in a breath.
"You're still on that?" he asks. "I thought we agreed-."
"No. No, we didn't agree."
War crimes tribunals are one of the few things that they continue to disagree on. Roy knows that Maes wants to let the idea go, to focus on moving on and helping the remaining Ishbalan people, rather than focusing on retribution for those responsible. Roy thinks it's a selfish desire. Hughes thinks Roy only wants to pursue it to punish himself. It's an issue they usually avoid.
"It's in the future," Hughes says firmly. "We've got a lot to do before we worry about that."
They're both quiet for a few minutes, then Roy stands.
"I need a fucking drink."
Hughes frowns as he watches his best friend amble towards the kitchen where he keeps his liquor, and his eyes glint, his fists clenching at his sides.
—-
For the second time in as many nights, three loud knocks sound at Riza's door, but it opens before she has a chance to answer it.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Good evening, Maes," Riza says blandly, looking up from her quiet supper.
"Cut the bullshit," Hughes snaps, slamming her door behind him as he strides into Riza's apartment uninvited. He stands facing her, hands on his hips, his eyes dark with fury.
Riza sighs, and gestures for him to take a seat.
"Go ahead and speak your piece," she says. She isn't exactly surprised to see him. He is Roy's fiercest supporter and protector- aside from her.
"Why?" Hughes asks, dropping into the seat she indicated and glowering across at her, his arms crossed over his chest.
"I'm not sure how it's any of your business," Riza returns just as coldly. "Besides, what did he already tell you?" She's sure it was some version of the truth. Roy wouldn't lie to Maes, but she is also sure it wasn't the whole story. He would never have betrayed her secret, even to Hughes.
"You broke it off, because you want to rejoin the military," Hughes spits.
"That's the gist of it," Riza admits, staring down at the table.
"Why?" Hughes growls.
"That's between Roy and myself."
"No, it's not. Not anymore." There's a hardness in his eyes as he stares her down, waving a finger in her face. "You agreed. You committed to this. He let you in on the plan- against my advice, by the way- and you agreed to help."
"I-I can't take it, Maes," Riza's voice breaks, but his rage can't be stemmed by sympathy.
"You don't know," Hughes growls. "You weren't here when we got back."
"That wasn't my choice. After my injury I was reassigned," Riza tries.
"No!" He is shouting now, but he doesn't care. "You don't know what he was like, Riza!"
Shame crawls across her like an itchy blanket, and her palms start to sweat.
"He…He didn't call me. Or write. I didn't have any way of knowing."
"And I'm not saying that's your fault." Suddenly, his ire cools a little at the reminder that he'd left her to fend for herself during that time. "I know it couldn't have been easy, dealing with the aftermath on your own."
"I had my unit," she says, but her eyes are empty.
"And I had Gracia," Hughes continues. "Roy had no one."
"He had you," Riza insists. "He had this…this insane plan the two of you dreamed up." She shakes her head. "And he could have had me in his corner, too. He didn't want me here."
"Oh, he wanted you here," Hughes says.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"He wasn't the one to order your transfer." He sighs, then. "I was responsible for that."
"What?" Riza is dumbfounded.
"He knows," Hughes assures her, placating. "Or at least he does, now, but he didn't at the time.
"I knew after I saw the fuhrer face off against Logue, that it would take a man like Roy to bring him down. And I saw what a mess you were out there. I didn't want him getting bogged down in the responsibility of putting you back together."
This is a level of manipulation, a calculated coldness of which she hadn't known Maes is capable.
"What gave you the right to make that decision for him?" she asks. "For either one of us?"
"Nothing," Hughes says honestly. "It was despicable. That's the kind of cold, hard decision you have to make sometimes when you're part of a military power and trying to overthrow it from within." He holds up a hand before she can respond.
"But I had a reason.
"I don't know what happened, he's never told me the full story, but something happened to him that fall before we shipped out."
Riza freezes, blood pounding in her ears. She knows exactly what had happened that fall….
"He had a few days' leave and went into Rhiannh. Something happened on his way back to camp, an attack of some kind. He sustained some burns."
She hadn't known he'd been burned, too.
"But whatever it was... It was bad, Riza, even in the context of the awful things we'd seen and done. It rattled him. He- he lost his nerve after that."
"What do you mean by that?" Her voice was small.
Maes hesitated, but he'd come this far. She needed to know.
"It was lucky for him the fighting was nearly over, or he'd probably have broken. He came close. He got shot."
She gasps.
"He was fine. It hit his pocket watch, of all the crazy things. But I had to-," he breaks off with a gulp. "Well, it wasn't good. It wasn't easy to shake him out of it, either."
There are tear tracks on her cheeks.
"Riza, I had you transferred, because he was in no condition to help anyone at that point. Even afterwards." Hughes runs a hand through his hair and sighs. "I didn't even know you well, then, and I-. You have no idea what a wreck he was. For most of that year…." He trails off.
She needs to know exactly what it had cost Roy to burn her back, how he'd been damaged. She needs another excuse to hate and berate herself for turning him into a monster.
"Please tell me," she whispers.
He hesitates now, loyalty to Roy making him wonder if he's going too far.
"Maes. Even after everything that's happened today, I think you know that I love him. I need to know. Please."
"He was suicidal, Riza," he says simply, a small shrug of his shoulders.
"Weren't we all?" Riza snaps, feeling there was more to it.
"Yeah," says Maes. "Yeah….okay, maybe you've got a point there, but he-. Well, nobody had to confiscate my service weapon."
"What?"
"Not officially," Hughes amends. "There's nothing on record. But I made him surrender his pistol to me, every day after work for….six months or longer…..I went to his apartment one day, the week we got back…. I found him, drunk, holding the gun to his own temple. More than once, he said he was too much of a coward to pull the trigger when his own life was on the line."
Her tears fall in earnest, and she covers her face in her hands.
"Now," she asks, afraid of the answer, "is he-?"
"He's not in that same place anymore," Hughes assures her. "It took a lot of work, but I got him sobered up, got him planning and thinking about the future, and time's passed. It's better. But dammit, Riza, he needs something positive to hold onto when all of it comes back to hit him. And it will. It will for all of us." His voice is hard again, even in the face of her weeping. "He's going to need a reason to keep on going."
"That's not true," Riza says, her voice still quiet. "He has hundreds of reasons. Just like you and me. We all have the same reasons."
Maes narrows his eyes, understanding her meaning. Every life they took is a reason to keep on going.
"Yes," he says begrudgingly. "Yes, we're all a part of this because of our sins. But that's not the kind of reason I'm talking about. I mean a reason to push through, something positive to work for, to make it all worth it when we reach the end." His gaze softens for a moment. "The way Gracia is my reason."
"I can't be that for him."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a murderer, too, Hughes!"
"So am I!" he shouts, his patience snapping. "What makes you so goddamned special?"
"I'm not," she says.
"You're damn right, you're not!" Hughes slams a fist against the table. "But you're special to him, Riza. You're the thing that's keeping him going."
She gives a sob.
"I can't," she repeats.
"Why not?"
Riza feels something in her break.
"Because of this." She stands and faces away from him, starting to unbutton her shirt.
"Whoa, what the hell are you-?" Hughes turns his head away, covering his eyes with one hand as she slides the shirt down to reveal her back.
"Just look at it, Maes."
He does, and she hears his harsh intake of breath. Then he goes silent for several long minutes.
"What exactly am I looking at?" he asks quietly.
She re-buttons her shirt, then sits back down to face him.
"I think you can guess," she says quietly, grabbing a napkin from the basket on her table and wiping roughly at her eyes.
Maes stares at her, brow furrowed as he works the pieces together.
"It's flame alchemy; it's the same array. So, your father was his teacher. He taught Roy flame alchemy," Hughes says slowly.
"Yes and no," Riza replies. She can't quite say the words.
"So, he didn't teach Roy flame alchemy?….He didn't approve of Roy joining the military, so he never showed him." Riza nods at him to continue. "So, your father, he…What, Riza? He put this here?"
"He-he used alchemy to burn it into my skin." She gasps, her eyes squeezing shut us shame presses down. She feels like she's suffocating.
"Hell, he- he used you like an alchemical journal? He encoded his notes….on you. And then he died." Sudden realization dawns. "Your father died, and you gave Roy the research," he concludes quietly.
She nods again.
"And then… when you came to Ishbal, and you saw what the state had done…What Roy had done…." He broke off there, and she takes up the thread of the story, finally finding her voice.
"I asked him to do it," she says, hollowly. "To burn it. So there would never be another flame alchemist.
"That's what happened in Rhiannh."
Hughes blows out a slow breath, dropping his head into his hands.
"And then I ripped you two apart, and you never got a chance to deal with it."
She nods, and the silence stretches between them for a long time, the seconds ticking by on the clock over the sink.
"He's good at keeping secrets," Hughes says, finally. "So are you. I would never have guessed, never have dreamed this…."
"Nobody can know, Maes."
He nods, slowly. Even with the scarring, the array ruined, there is still a risk to her if the secret ever gets out.
"So, then…." He lets the phrase trail off, and Riza sighs.
"I can't be his salvation. I'm his destruction," she whispers. "Without me, none of it ever happens for him. Without me, he never becomes the Flame Alchemist, the Hero of Ishval. He never becomes a state alchemist at all. He joins the military, maybe he even goes to Ishbal, still. But he doesn't become…."
"A mass murderer," Hughes finishes the thought for her, and she squeezes her eyes shut, nodding.
"He wants to protect me, to keep me out of it. He'll let me support him, from behind the scenes. Pass a message here and there at Christmas' Bar…"
At that point, Hughes' eyebrows raise. He hadn't know that Riza even knew about Chris.
"But he won't give me the opportunity to atone for my own sins."
She looks up then, meeting his eyes. "I won't allow that," she says quietly. "I won't let him bear it all alone, but that's what he's asking of me. By trying to force me to give up my commission, when I could do so much more. To expect me to just settle down and- and-." She's all out sobbing now.
And now, Maes understands. His mind whirs, and he's silent for a long moment, then he lowers his head, his posture stiffens with resolve.
"Okay," he says. "Okay, Riza. Here's what we'll do."
—-
It's two weeks later, at military headquarters, when she finally sees Roy again. She lowers her head as they draw nearer to each other in the hallway. He hasn't noticed her, and she thinks she might get away with it, at least this first time their paths cross, by ducking her head.
Then, she actually hears his pace falter in the sound of his military boots across the marble floor.
"Ri-Sergeant Hawkeye." He catches himself fumbling over her name, and she looks up at him, stops, and offers a salute.
"Major Mustang, Sir." She nods, trying to be respectful even as her heart pounds faster.
"I need a word with you," he says tersely, then turns and walks coolly away, expecting her to follow. He leads them back and forth, down several corridors, before opening the door to an office that's unoccupied. "You went through with it," he observes quietly.
She nods.
"Sir, I-".
"Don't call me 'Sir'," Roy snaps.
"It doesn't have to be this way," Riza says softly.
"No," Roy agrees, "It doesn't."
They are both silent for several long moments, each staring at the floor.
"There's so much more I could do," Riza says quietly. "If you would let me in."
Roy looks at her incredulously.
"I did," he snarls. "I let you into my very inner sanctum, Riza, you can't say that."
"Right, but only on your terms. Only at your control. That's not trust, Roy, it's manipulation, and you're only lying to yourself if you don't see that"
He snorts.
"I just want you to know," Riza says carefully, "that I…admired the plans. For the remodel. The one you were working on in the basement of Major Hughes' home."
Roy cringes.
"Well," he says coldly, "I would have appreciated your help with the project. It's unfortunate that can't happen now."
Riza wants to stamp her foot in frustration.
"I still think you could find my skill-set valuable," she insists. "If you weren't so stubborn."
Neither of them noticed Maes Hughes slip quietly into the room.
"You think this is just stubbornness?" Roy starts to lose his composure. "I trusted you, Riza!"
"I never betrayed your trust."
"Oh no? You're working for Hakuro now?"
Riza huffs in frustration. "Well, he wasn't exactly my first choice of CO in Central!"
"How sad for you, then!"
"I don't see how you can just give up! Fight for me! If you want this relationship, if you care about me the way you say you do, fight for us! I know it can't work for us right now, but it might happen someday! We could make it happen once you attain your goals, and I'm willing to work for that. I'm willing to wait for you! But I could do more to make it happen! Let me work with you and help you. I'll join your team, I'll protect you and your secrets. I'll do whatever it takes!"
"No!" He's shouting now. "You want to give up on us because you can't handle your own shit, but you expect me to trust you now? I don't!"
"Enough, Roy," Hughes says firmly, striding closer. He looks from one of them to the other. There's a beat, and then Riza flees from the room, but not before both men see the tears on her face.
—-
Roy knows that she had chosen poorly to love an idiot like him. It doesn't matter how often he plots and swears to change the future, he can't change the past. He can't change that he is a murderer and a war criminal, a dog of the military. He can't change his feelings for her, either, as much as he tries now to deny them. He needs Riza Hawkeye by his side, like oxygen, and he pushes her further and further away.
"You really are a conceited bastard, you know that?" Maes says as he watches Riza leave the office.
"Why is that?" Roy demands, anger boiling inside of him. He hates himself.
"Can't you see how hard she's trying?" Maes asks incredulously. "Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"Of course it does!" Disgust is obvious in his tone. "But this whole ordeal has just made me realize what a poor choice she would have made in me."
"Don't fool yourself. You care for her just as much. You've broken both your hearts. At least she wants to give it a chance, to try to work towards a future where you can be together." Maes shakes his head.
"I didn't do this. And I never promised her anything!" Roy snaps angrily.
"You bought the fucking ring, didn't you?" Maes returns. "That sounds like a promise to me."
"I think we're done here," Roy growls.
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea." Hughes walks to the door, then turns around and glares at his best friend. "If I were you, I'd at least go ahead and decide on a good bodyguard. That woman is one hell of a shot, and if you're counting on me, I might just step out of her way." He slams the door on his way out, leaving Roy alone.