"Find what you love and let it kill you." ~ Charles Bukowski
Final Project
XXXIX.
Andre threw his small duffle bag onto the rock hard bed that was placed in the tiny motel room. Scrambling through it, he tried to find something comfortable to sleep in. He had one of the motel towels wrapped around his waist after having taken the worst shower of his life. If the motel wouldn't have been so cheap to begin with, he would have immediately gone to the front desk and complained.
Alas, it was two in the morning and he just wanted to get some sleep. He had been driving for about six hours before he decided to take a rest. He still had a long drive ahead of him (driving from California to Florida was no joke) and didn't want to risk driving past this rundown motel in case there wasn't another one for miles.
After having just found a plain white tee to wear to bed, he jumped when his phone began ringing from the windowsill—because the motel was too cheap to have even a bedside table.
"Who calls at two AM?" He mumbled to himself, then thought it was probably his grandmother who was no doubt freaking out about that odd stain in the carpet that she thought was a sign of extraterrestrial life.
But when he picked up his phone, he was shocked to see that the call was from Tori. Seeing her smiling face come up on the screen was enough to make him want to flush his phone down that overly stained and rusted toilet in the tiny spider infested bathroom.
Unfortunately, he couldn't really afford to get another phone right now, so he would just have to stick with setting it back on the windowsill and walking away.
The phone stopped ringing. And this was when a million terrible thoughts began racing through his mind.
Why is she calling me at this time? Is something wrong? Did she get into a car accident? Did her dad get shot on the job? Did she…want to beg for me back?
This last consideration really made him hate himself. Why couldn't he just let it go already!?
Just when he was about to toss on his shirt, his phone began ringing again. He rushed to the window to see it was Tori again.
Would she really be calling me twice if something wasn't right…?
His head told him to ignore it again, but his heart was too heavy and full of worry and curiosity to let it go.
So, with slight hatred toward his very being, he pressed accept and put the phone gently to his ear.
"Hello," he said as dryly as he could.
"Andre?" Her voice questioned in his ear. He could hear the surprise in her voice. He wondered why she even tried calling if she was so certain he wouldn't answer.
He sat down on the edge of the bed, only to stand right back up to pace the room, "What do you want?"
"I…I'm sorry if I woke you, I just…just wanted to make sure you were all right."
"You do realize it's two in the morning?"
She sighed softly and he pictured her tugging at the ends of her hair, "I know. I couldn't sleep and…and things don't seem to be going very well at the moment and I didn't know who else to talk to and—."
Though Andre didn't cut her off, she stopped very abruptly. So abruptly, in fact, that he thought they got disconnected. But when he looked at his screen, he saw that she was still on the line.
"Why can't you talk to Beck?" Andre asked with a sort of distaste in his mouth and voice.
"I did, but…nothing got resolved. I think. I mean, I don't think. I know…I think."
Okay, she's rambling…must mean she really is distressed.
"I really don't think I'm the right one you should be talking to. It seems a bit—."
"So I'm supposed to be going to New York for college, right?" Tori cut him off quickly, "Well, Beck tried to get into the same college, but he got denied, so now we're like…'what do we do?' So, of course, he suggested that he just move there anyway. But that would be cutting his dreams short. I mean, really, what would he do there, then? Get a minimum wage job in the most expensive state in the country? But he said he doesn't care, he just wants to be where I am, and I know you really don't want to hear something like that right now, but it's true, and I'm torn, because it's too idealistic and is that bad that I'm saying that I'd rather him try to do his own thing that's more worthwhile than just going where I am? And on top of that, my mom's cheating on my dad and I don't know what to do."
Andre heard her heavy breathing. He almost didn't comprehend the huge revelation she added in at the end, because it was so off topic. Holly was cheating on David? Man, those Vega women…
He considered hanging up. He truly did, and he even felt his thumb brush over the end call button. He now knew there was nothing life threatening going on, so why was he still on the line with her?
"Just let Beck do what he wants to do. If he really wants to throw his life away to be with you, then let him," he realized, after he said it, that it sounded way harsher than he originally intended, but it happy with the result of it, regardless.
Tori didn't miss the harsh tone in his voice, "But what if he ends up hating me for it…?"
Andre subconsciously walked into the bathroom and looked at himself in the smudgy mirror. He wondered why he saw fear in his own eyes, "If he ends up hating you, then he never loved you in the first place."
She was silent for a long moment, "Do you hate me, Andre?"
"I'm hanging up now," he said, then wished he wouldn't have voiced it and instead just done it.
"No, wait!" Tori yelled desperately, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that. I'm just…confused right now."
You wouldn't be confused if you didn't make such poor decisions. You wouldn't be confused if you just stuck with what makes sense in your life. You wouldn't be confused if we were still together…
"I don't…I don't know what else to say," he confessed.
Andre heard her swallow hard before her voice came again, wavering yet courageous, "I regret the way things turned out for us, Andre. I did some stupid things, and all because…" she drifted off and he desperately wanted her to give her reason, but he wasn't about to urge her on. He hated himself for not doing it, however, because she never finished her thought, "I know that you don't like me very much right now…but do you think that one day—maybe—you could forgive me?"
He closed his eyes and turned away from the mirror. He couldn't stand looking at himself when all he wanted was for Tori to be looking back at him.
"…Maybe one day." It was simple. It was short, but he heard her let out the most beautiful and relieved laugh that could have also been a sob.
"I really hope you find everything you're looking for in life, Andre," she told him and he couldn't think of a time when she sounded more magnificent, "I'll be listening for you on the radio. Thanks for talking to me…goodbye, Andre."
Andre sat down heavily on the bed with his eyes completely unfocused, "Goodbye, Tori…"
And before he could even consider saying anything else, the line went deathly silent.
Tori tapped her phone in her palm roughly. When she first called Andre, she didn't think she'd get as many things settled as she did. Not only did he give her blunt and excellent advice, he somehow gave her more closure. At least…it was better than what she did have with him. It was a promise for the future and God knew she needed that…
She paced outside Beck's RV for a few more moments. She knew she should try to get some sleep soon, but it was such a nice night for thinking about everything.
She thought back to earlier in the night…
"Beck? What's wrong?" she had asked, clearly seeing disappointment in his eyes when he turned around with that damn piece of paper in his hand.
He sighed and answered simply, "I didn't get in…"
He didn't have to explain any further. She knew what he meant.
Shocked, still, she wrung her hands together as she slumped against the side of the doorway, "So what's gonna happen now?"
Running a hand through his hair, he looked around everywhere but at her, "I don't know, I guess…I guess we'll just move to New York and hope I find something fairly quick."
Her eyes widened, "You mean you're not going to go to college?"
He chuckled with an ironic inflection and shrugged, "College isn't everything, right? Besides, New York is the state of opportunities."
Tori stood up straight and crossed her arms, "Yeah, for musicians maybe. Which you're not."
"There's always Broadway."
Tori accidentally rolled her eyes, but this did not get past Beck, "What? You think that's too farfetched for me or something?"
Taken aback that he got so offended, she put an edge in her own voice, "You know that's not it. It just sounded so cliché. You know how many people try to get into Broadway?"
"Tori, I'm trying to think of something…anything that will help us out! You need to have more faith."
Wanting to say more, but not wanting to fight, she simply dropped her arms to her sides, "You're right, I'm sorry. I just think you'd have a better chance at getting a good acting job here…in Hollywood."
Sighing loudly, he turned away.
Tori groaned lowly and sat down on the RV's steps. The next few hours were them discussing about what would be best (and she reconsiders using discussing as the appropriate term since it seemed like they were actually arguing at times).
And she knew that he knew they were arguing, as well…
"Why are you arguing with me on this? This is starting to remind me of all the "conversations"—he used finger quotations while pronouncing the word—Jade and I had…"
Tori was taken aback by this, "Are you seriously comparing me to Jade? Cause last time I studied you guys, she was always trying to force you to do something, not ask you to consider what's best for you!"
Beck waved his hand, "You're right, you're right, I'm sorry. It was just the arguing—."
"Well, I sure hope you don't compare me to Jade every time we have an argument," Tori said, feeling truly upset that her boyfriend was comparing her to his ex-girlfriend whom he said not-so-nice things about.
"Okay, I'm sorry," Beck said sternly, wanting her to drop it. He laid back on his bed with a slump of defeat, "I wish you'd just accept that I'm moving to New York, though."
She walked to the side of the bed and looked down at him, "I just don't want you to do something you'll regret later on…"
He sat up and placed his feet on the floor, pulling her close to him. He placed his hands firmly on her hips as he looked up at her, "Sweetie, the only thing I regret is letting you get away two years ago. Don't make me regret letting you get away again."
Despite the situation, she smiled down softly at him, "Just because we won't be physically together, doesn't mean you're letting me get away…"
"Yeah, but…a lot can happen in a few years when people aren't together…"
Tori ran a delicate finger down the side of his cheek as she saw the conviction in his eyes, "You really think we're so fragile…?"
His grip tightened on her wait as he pulled her closer, "I honestly don't want to find out…"
Tori hid her face in her hands before uncovering her eyes and staring down at the gravel beneath the RV. She knew it was normal for couples to feel this way…this scared-ness that comes with being separated by so many miles. But she truly didn't want Beck making this kind of decision just because he was afraid that they could potentially grow apart. They wanted to be famous, right? Well…what were they going to do if that happens? She'll be on tour and he'll be off filming movies…do they honestly think they'll have time to see each other then?
Maybe Beck not getting accepted was a sign to find out about the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship now before it got even further down the road…
But what if they truly are meant to stay together and they're both supposed to find their calling in New York? Tori thought back to one of their first nights in Japan…
Beck asked her: "Can I ask you a question?"
Tori smiled playfully, "Does the one you just asked count?"
Beck smirked a little at her, but shook his head, "And even though it's gonna sound a bit rhetorical, I really want an answer."
Tori tried to keep her smile, but the way he talked was beginning to make her a little nervous. She felt her stomach tighten as she nodded.
Beck looked around quickly, wondering if Shiori came back around them yet. He still didn't see her, and was hoping he wouldn't get interrupted once he started: "Would you rather do something with the possibility of regretting it later…or regret never doing it at all?"
Tori's eyes averted directly into his as she realized that that was probably a question she would have never expected to get asked. She pushed a small strand of hair behind her ear, "Don't you know that regretting something is like—."
"Is like not living at all, yeah, I know the phrase," Beck finished for her, "But I think everyone regrets something sometime or another. I'm just asking you which one sounds more…bearable."
Tori looked away from him. What exactly is he trying to get at? Why is he even asking me this? And why is he insisting on an answer? She glanced back at him, seeing that he was still waiting for a response. She looked away again. This is way too nerve-wrecking…is this about last night? Should I just tell him that I was awake and apologize for acting like I wasn't? She felt him step closer to her. Why does he care about what I regret! I regret nothing! Nothing! Everything that has ever happened has been for the best and for a reason…
"Tori…?" He was watching her inwardly argue with herself and wanted to know what she was thinking.
She answered quickly, almost snapping, "I would rather just regret never doing it. Because if everything is fine with my life as it is, then I must have made some sort of right decision in the past. No harm done."
He looked completely taken aback by her answer, "So you mean to tell me that you'd rather wonder what could have happened over finding out and saying at least you tried?"
Tori's face felt so tight, that she was sure she looked emotionless, "Exactly."
Tori stood up from the steps and quietly made her way back inside. But when she shut the door, she could see Beck's silhouette sitting up on his bed in the dark.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" she whispered, even though there was hardly a reason to.
"I was never asleep," Beck confessed, causing Tori to blush because she knew he was probably watching and listening to her the whole time then.
She stepped slowly into the RV.
"Is everything okay, Tori?" he asked with such gentleness and tortured curiosity that it made her heart beat wildly.
"Yeah. I mean…I don't know," she said with much regret, because they just got done discussing all this not too long ago.
Beck waited for to get closer to the bed before reaching his hand out, "Come here," he urged, glad when Tori placed her hand in his with no hesitation. He pulled as she pushed herself into him and they molded together.
And when she slowly pulled away, their hot lips sticking together for an extra second, Beck couldn't believe himself when he said: "I think that's as far as we should go tonight."
She looked at him in confusion and shock, "Why? Did I do something wrong?"
He laughed softly at her concern, staring deep into her dark eyes, "Tori, you didn't do anything wrong…you're perfect. I just…don't want our first time to be tainted."
She looked even more confused, "Tainted?"
Beck breathed in a shaky breath, "If we're gonna be together…we have plenty of time for this. But maybe we should settle a few things first before we…"
Though he still saw some disappointment written on her face, there was also some relief. She laughed softly, "I thought guys were the ones that just went with it and girls were the ones that worried about that stuff."
Beck gave a small smirk, "Yeah, well, some guys are stupid. But I don't want to be stupid with you, Tor. I want this to last and…I don't want you to hate me."
"I could never hate you!" She responded very quickly, fear now in her eyes at the fact that he would even think that.
He rolled off of her, not being able to think completely straight when he just kept feeling her heat calling to him, "Good. Then please understand why I think we should stop…"
Tainted.
Is that what their relationship was? They waited that night. And the next night. And the next. But then they finally had to give in, and everything started to make sense in a nonsensical way ever since.
"I don't want you to end up hating me…" she says.
"I could never hate you!" he counters.
"Then please understand why I think this is best."
They were kissing and it was like the first time. They could feel their hearts drumming against each other's and they both knew they were choosing each other forever, no matter what they were going to have to live with tomorrow.
They stripped each other bare and the past month came flooding back, haunting them and pleading them.
High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again
If something is the right thing, but it happened at the wrong time, does that truly have to turn it into the wrong thing? If they didn't take that huge chance while they were in Japan, would they have ever happened? Would they always go on wondering their what if's with their unanswered why's and their hidden regrets?
As Beck sunk into her, he placed a hand on the back of her head, gasping when she pressed herself onto him, her own delicate hands holding his face, her eyes searching his own.
"I love you, Tori," he expressed clearly before another gasp, "I love you so much, and I don't want to lose—," he folded in his lips and leaned his head back against his wall as his body continued to respond to her appropriately, despite the wet trail he felt slipping down his face.
'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
"Beck, please don't…" Tori started but then stopped. Their bodies stopped as well, and there was nothing but their solid oneness that kept them alive.
He opened his eyes and felt his heart shatter at the sadness he saw. They were together…life shouldn't be this hard anymore. None of their friends approved; they did things all wrong; they should have waited, but there's no better time than now and now already happened.
What else could all that time in Japan be for if not for this moment? If Japan didn't happen, they would have never gotten the chance to be together, and now that they have that chance in their grasp, letting it go seemed wrong.
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?
They tried to stop it before, but it never worked.
"Let me be with you," Beck said deeply, his eyes glazing over as he watched her tilt her head back in frustration and uncertainty and want and purity and passion and devotion. He pressed his lips top her chest, sliding his way up until his face was buried in her neck, his voice vibrating against her skin, "Let me be the selfish one…"
Moaning, Tori rolled her head to the side as she tightened her grip around his body, "You're killing me…"
With his body penetrating hers, he knew her words were not regretful ones…
Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you
Long into the night, as the sun was just beginning to come over the horizon and as Beck breathed deeply in sleep, Tori stayed up to write a letter.
Staying here longer with him was only going to make her decision all the harder. She truly hated herself for what she planned to do, but the more she thought about it, the more she knew that she would much rather hate herself than have Beck hate her. The rest of her friends already did. And though she knew Beck would hate seeing her gone when he woke up, she knew in her heart that he'll understand one day.
It wasn't like she didn't want him to come to New York with her…quite the contrary. After all, it's not like she knew anyone there and it would be really great to have at least one person she knew in New York.
It was so hard to explain that her brain felt like it was melting down. She simply knew in her heart that this was right, and she wondered if she was making the first adult decision of her life. And if she was, she wished she never grew up.
When she found one of Beck's notebooks and a pen, she pressed the inked tip to the white paper. Her mind wandered all the way back to before they left for Japan. Something Beck said to Jade really stood out for her in this moment…
"Her switching is not going to fix everything. If anything, it's only going to make it worse. When I'm paired up with someone new, all I'm going to think about the whole time is how you forced Tori to switch because she's such a nice person, that she doesn't want to see even someone like you upset. Well guess what, Jade, high school ends soon! Who knows where we're going to end up afterward. Are you gonna plant a tracking device on me so you know where I'm at and who I'm with every second we're apart? That is not how I want to be in a relationship."
High school was now officially over. Who knew where they were going to end up, but she really felt like there was nothing in New York for Beck except for herself. And she couldn't risk watching someone so talented being reduced to a nobody living in The City that Never Sleeps.
She couldn't have been happier that she finally got the chance to be with him, and she prayed that one day they will be able to meet up again. She wasn't breaking up with him, but she wasn't holding him back.
There was really no way to say all this, so in the end, the eight words she wrote down would have to suffice.
I love you. Don't follow me. Not now.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
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And that was all she wrote. Or I wrote. Either way.
I'm sorry that I didn't get this one out sooner…I said I wanted to try to finish this story two years from the date I started, but homework kinda got in the way.
I don't own the song "Clarity" by Zedd.
I'm gonna answer a few reviews that were given for the last chapter:
A guest reviewer let me know that it's time for this story to end, despite what I said about hating endings. I agree 100%; you may have misunderstood what I was trying to say. I hate endings with a finality. I don't like it when reader's walk away from a story saying, "That was satisfying. Everything has been answered and I can now move on with my life." No. Just…no. I love it when reader's say, "Oh man, there is still so much left unanswered. What's going to happen to them!? This is going to haunt me forever." That to me is pure awesomeness.
Others asked for another Tandre conversation. Hope this worked out well for you!
Another guest reviewer asked why Beck doesn't say "I love you" as much to Tori as she does to him. I guess it's just how I see him…he speaks louder through actions than words.
And of course, there were many of you who became frightened over how I would end this. So this is about the time I ask:
Who would like me to write an epilogue?
But I know most, if not all, of you will say that you do, so I'm just gonna say that while, yes, this is THEE LAST CHAPTER, there will be an epilogue. My heart feels like it's confused over the thought of ending this story…I can't tell if I'm relieved or shattered. This story's been my best friend and worst enemy for the past two years as I struggled with writer's block and rejoiced in writing what I truly enjoyed.
I'm super proud of myself for getting so far with this story, because in the past, I always somehow broke away from it after a certain amount of chapters (It's hard for me to get past 10 chapters for whatever reason). I guess it's because I become interested in other things or whatnot, but somehow, Victorious really got under my skin and stayed there.
A lot of you are asking for a sequel. A Tandre spinoff of sorts. While I would LOVE to do this, I'm a bit uncertain, because I see the popularity in this fandom shrinking more and more as time passes. I'm not sure if I want to add to a dying breed or try my hardest to keep it alive…still let me know what you think.
I've discovered a lot about myself through writing this. Mainly, that I can cause myself to switch ships multiple times through allowing myself to live through the characters. I'm still terribly torn between the whole Bori vs. Tandre thing, and I'm not sure if it's because of the show or because of how I wrote them and how many of you responded to that.
So to end this long ass author's note, I would like to say a HUGE thank you to all my wonderful reviewers, favoriters, and followers. All of you truly are the reason I was able to keep writing and finish such a long story. I'm glad so many of you enjoyed it, and I will forever remember the day I sat down to begin writing this story, not even imagining how popular it would eventually become.
All of you are perfectly awesome.
~Enula
"Live the full life of the mind, exhilarated by new ideas, intoxicated by the romance of the unusual." ~Ernest Hemingway