Chapter Nine: Blood Sport
"And somewhere
Somewhere the atoms stopped fusing
I'm still your favorite regret
You're still my weapon of choosing
And out there
Stuck in a quantum pattern
Tangled with what I never said
You say it doesn't matter
I want to be forgiven
I want to choke up chunks of my own sins
Even if the sky cracks in the morning
And the heavens just won't open up for me"
The office of Alastor Moody was about as dark, mysterious, and depressing as I had imagined it. It was reminiscent of Albus Dumbledore's office without the whimsical trinkets and replaced with more ominous, and bizarre devices. The shelves of books lined the back part of the room near the fireplace that blazed on, and a few chairs angled in front of the fire gave the impression of being used for conversation, and comfort. This room was anything but that, considering the inauspicious energy that filled every nook and cranny of this space.
I recognized the Foe Glass that was catty-cornered to face the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher making any shadows of his nemesis could be observed by him only. It was hard to ignore the clattering of the strange chest that ceased after a swift kick from the metal boot and cursing from the professor. I dared not pay attention to whatever atrocious thing concealed within its confinements. Moody had the basic setup of a tea set, but nothing about it was intricate or personalized like most would have. He turned around from the small kitchenette that was located on the opposite side of the bookshelves, levitating the teapot and cups with their respective saucers on a trap to place onto his desk where it rested in front of me. Regardless of the apparent friendly and civil gesture, the room reflected the dismal mindset I had lingered in for the last two months.
"This'll warm you up nicely," Alastor stated after briefly asking me how I liked my tea. Usually, I preferred the sweeter side of the taste, but lately, the bitterness was more welcomed. "Afraid I may have made it a bit too hot."
"No worries," I consoled while taking the freshly poured tea into its cup and blowing the liquid to cool down, watching the steam and ripples for a moment before attempting to take a tiny sip. The heat of the drink was regrettably too harsh and before I even allowed it to touch my lips, I opted instead to let it cool down naturally and lowered the cup with the saucer onto the desk. I sat in silence for a moment, picking at the skin around my ruined nail beds and wincing when a part of the cuticle was ripped off forcefully. The small rusty crimson dot of blood appeared before it leaked across the thumbnail.
"You've been quite under the weather, Thone. Dare I say your current scowl will leave lines that wouldn't flatter a lady such as yourself." Alastor seemed to have a playful air about himself today. I speculated it was from the win for Harry's completed second task, but even then I wondered what could have him in such a good mood. Even though his mood made me ill with my current detest of anything warm and fuzzy, I forced a small smile and felt how it didn't reach my eyes, continuing not to look at Alastor while feeling his eyes upon me.
"Wouldn't I look as lovely as yourself?" I countered. Alastor leaned back in his chair and barked a laugh that jolted me with surprise causing me to look up at him.
"No need to remind me, missy. Now, I suppose we should get right to it, hm?" He leaned forward, grabbed his teacup, and took a quick swivel of it before grimacing at the cup. Apparently, it hadn't cooled quickly enough. "Potter's progressing nicely through the trials; I count that as a success with him not losing any limbs or more, wouldn't you agree?"
"Yes," The uncomfortable chair forced me to straighten up for some sort of relief as I continued. "Today was a close call, however. Just like the dragons, he proved he could be resilient within the task, but I'm more worried about the lack of… anything, actually happening." I admitted.
Today's second task had proved troublesome regardless of Harry's second-place score. He could only count his placement thanks to his bravery in rescuing Fleur Delacour's little sister from a watery grave but had struggled to return to the surface after his little Gillyweed effects ran out and his attack from the Grindylows. He was injured but nothing life-threatening, thankfully. But what worried me more was the fact that for the majority of the year, nothing seemed to attack him, antagonize him or even prove to be threatening other than the agreed upon tournament tasks. I just couldn't wrap my head around what would be the point of entering his name if no one took action against him and allowed him to succeed in each task so far.
"Did I understand you right when you said you're worried that Potter hasn't been attacked?" Alastor questioned, a curious glint in his human eye as the mechanical eye whizzed straight to me before whizzing around once more. I leaned my head forward, giving him an inexpressive look to show that my words were misunderstood, regardless of the humorous tone.
'Surely this isn't the same Moody the student all fussed about being less than desirable to be around. Why is he so unserious right now?' I thought to myself before responding.
"No, but don't you think it's strange that he's been put on a pedestal where he could be attacked, and nothing but achievement has been accomplished?"
"In my experience," Alastor stated while leaning forward, speaking low enough to bring my attention further, the seriousness appearing out of thin air around him. "That's too obvious of a time to strike! You'd want to wait till everyone is comfortable… As if everyone hasn't been idle all year." He grumbled under his breath.
I nodded lightly but refrained from looking at him, whisps of my hair which was currently up in a messy bun tickled the side of my face as I did so, causing a shiver along with his foreboding words. Clearing my throat, I sat back up.
"Let me ask you something, Thorne." Alastor straightened up as well, attempting to take another sip of his tea while nodding once more, approving the warmth of it. "Should be better for you now but let me ask this; I've known Dumbledore for quite some time, and I can understand why he'd ask me to look out for the boy. You, however, I can't quite pinpoint the reasoning behind it."
His question wasn't stated in such a way, but it was apparent his curiosity about my involvement with Harry Potter was obvious. Granted, being Elowyn's friend was a great excuse for why he'd linger around me and her or even speak to me outside of her presence, but with someone like Mad Eye Moody asking it could only mean he could see something that no one else bothered to question. I did not reach for my cup but gave myself time to think of how to respond, before finally speaking.
"Dumbledore is aware of… my connection to the Potter family, more specifically the friendship I had with his mother… So, the least I could do is look out for her son after their untimely demise." I cleared my throat and kept my gaze down before reaching for the teacup and saucer, holding the items for a pause before looking back up to Alastor's speculating eye.
"That close, were ya?" He questioned as I noticed the flicker of his eye to my cup and took a sip of his own once again, breaking the eye contact.
Call it whatever you want, maybe I was as paranoid as the man before me, but I wouldn't trust many people with this information about the relationship between me and my Godson. I lightly lifted my shoulders, shook my head, and maintained a controlled expression before answering him.
"I wouldn't say too close, but close enough that I'd hate for anything bad to happen to her son." I forced a chuckle before braving a tiny sip, the warmth hitting just as hard as the bitterness, which told me it hadn't cooled to my liking just yet. I felt the need to redirect the conversation.
"So, I'm assuming you propose to continue surveying Harry's whereabouts, then?"
"Nothing else we can do, lass." He lifted both hands after setting down his tea, leaning back once more, and then gripped the arms of the chair. "Not unless you can do some fancy fortune-telling with your abilities, and nothing as atrociously senseless as that crackpot Trelawney." He spat the last part. I was able to give a more genuine soft smile at his words.
"I'm afraid it doesn't work like that, Alastor."
"Eh? Thought you could do anything you want by the way the ministry spoke of you." He fiddled with a few papers on his desk before looking back to me just as I had finished taking my first, full sip of the tea and sitting it down once more. "At least that's how Elowyn Beaumont acts when we've practiced spells. She's got the makings of an Auror with how she practices these spells in class."
Something I had forgotten until he brought it up was his interest in my abilities being mentioned the night of the Yule Ball. I focused more on his words, compelling the autopilot feature to take control to not let the memories flood in. "U-uhm, no… They're quite strict with how I conduct myself, and the students I teach. It's like that anywhere I've traveled. Convincing the ministry that our abilities weren't being used for anything malevolent took some time, but they realized that we still needed wands and could still be tracked… so that helped… Well, for me and Aurora; Elowyn was a bit of a different case."
I had respect for Alastor Moody and his service to protecting witches, and even muggles, from dark wizards. He may have been driven to madness by his experience, but one thing stood that I could trust about him; Dumbledore and him were friends and Dumbledore had trust in him. Granted, that trust would only be extended so far, and I wouldn't want him to know anything else than what I told him about Harry or even the ordeal of how I acquired Elowyn among some other blemishes of my character, but if I could potentially have an ally connected to the Ministry, maybe it would help with any future situations that could pop up. Allowing the curious man to divulge with questions pertaining to me and my little family of misfits wasn't a horrible thought but within a strict confinement of reason. In fact, it seemed to come out of me rather easier as I had spoken. I took another sip of my much cooler tea and allowed the bitterness to cleanse my senses, alerting them to my surroundings.
"That was the strangest thing I'd ever seen; a teenage girl using her hands with that mad purple color and performing tasks without a wand. Can't imagine how you tried to teach her that." Alastor took another sip of his tea, not bothering to look my way.
"Well, I didn't necessarily teach her. Elowyn has always been able to do exceptionally well with her abilities. If anything, she taught us more." I offered, feeling more comfortable than I had been since I had entered the room. The tenseness in my shoulders had dropped, my head seemed less buzzy, and my muscles had relaxed. I chalked it up to letting my hesitations about speaking to this man I had no idea how he'd be in private, waned.
"How'd that happen?" Alastor pushed.
"Aurora and I have always been able to produce our abilities, but it can become tiring on us both. Aurora tends to tire out quicker, is only able to do simple spells at a consistent rate, and will purposefully use her wand so she can use her abilities to train the students. I'm capable of going longer periods without using my wand and tend to use my abilities for most things, but after a while, I can't push myself anymore, or maybe even… emotional duress causes me to have to use my wand. Elowyn has never needed a wand, and when we had even tried to get her own, she ended up destroying the three that were tested. They weren't unmendable, thankfully, but she just couldn't connect with one." I lifted my shoulder, placing a dismissive look on my face before continuing.
"That was just how she was able to show us that the energy is present, and she understood the current of the energy. It gave Aurora the idea that possibly the energy can be controlled whenever the person is within a… controlled emotional state. Outbursts, depressions, or erratic behavior will disrupt this since there's no conduit to direct the energy. It's why you see children casting without meaning to."
Alastor Moody nodded and kept his human eye trained on me, the mechanical was flickering back and forth between me and other things around me. I chuckled while shaking my head.
"Then there are the theories we've built around her progress, trying to home in our own magic to improve it and what that took, and discovering the different types of abilities we've been able to rarely see… I guess it is rather fascinating compared to what other people have speculated."
"So, you solidify that wands just filter the power we have, and you've found a loophole?" He asked.
"Sort of, it's a bit more complicated than that. Not everyone is capable of doing this; that's why we have a trial period during the beginning of the term to weed out those who simply can't produce the ability. It's easier for them to use a wand because their flow is so direct through it, practically bringing it out of them. At least that's how it feels after I've used mine, and Aurora's commented similarly. It's just a different expression of magic. I've always had this…" I lifted my hand and did the best I could to muster the weak scarlet energy that moved between my fingers, watching as Alastor observed with keen interest and curiosity before putting my hand down "... but had a harder time figuring things out by myself. Maybe one day I'll be able to discover the secret to teach every wizard and witch how to do this, but for now… this is all I know how to do."
Alastor took this all in and gave a slow nod while putting a hand to cup his chin with his forefinger and thumb, assuming to let all the words mule over before he spoke again. I found myself a little surprised at how I was able to speak to him more easily than before and found myself more relaxed at the idea of letting him know more. I couldn't discount my gut feeling that I should at least end this at some point since it was becoming more and more personal.
"You're a strange one, Maeve Thorne. An oddity amongst a very odd world we live in." His tone seemed to mean it as a compliment, but there was an underlining tone that I couldn't distinguish in what he said. I scoffed, letting the air filter through my nose while shrugging lightly once again.
"If that's coming from you then perhaps, I should be in St. Mungos." There was a pause that alluded to me thinking I had said the wrong thing before a smile spread across the DADA Professor's lips and laughter that went from low to loud rather quickly. He sighed and shook his head before finishing his cup of tea.
"I knew I liked you for a reason, Thorne."
I nodded before taking another small sip of my tea, laying it down on the table, and standing to my feet. "The feeling is mutual, Moody. I do have to return to my studies and catch up on some of my work. Thank you for your time and the tea."
"So soon? Hope I didn't run you off." He joked but it lacked any humorous snicker or snort.
I shook my head no, but the need to be clear with him was tugging on my tongue I bit in order to stop myself. He did not move from his chair and simply nodded before turning back as I started toward his door, exiting the room and taking a deep breath as I left. The awkward departure was something I would hopefully forget soon.
The silence of my company was all-consuming, and while I wasn't privy to speak to Alastor Moody at first, I had to admit that the time spent together wasn't terrible, just made me self-conscious in the last part. If anything, I couldn't believe how chatty I had been with him subsequently after stepping through the door. If I somehow lost my voice for the rest of the school year I wouldn't have minded. To be left alone with my thoughts was maniacal to live through as I had spent however many days replaying the argument with Severus over, and over.
To stand in front of my mirror in my state and practice argumentative counterpoints, trying to rewrite the events in my mind and will it into reality. I imagined myself just forcing every word of what I truly felt for him out in a blunder of desperation, that he would see me clearly like usually would, and we would forgive each other just to embrace and carry on like it never happened. The mourning of a man I knew I'd have to see around the halls of Hogwarts like the ghosts that wandered about suffocated my senses into hysterical panic attacks. This normally happened before mealtimes, knowing that we'd have to be within the large hall together that couldn't be big enough for the distance I wanted to create. No matter how much I obsessed over changing current events, the stark reality hit me from all angles just how poignant I had become.
Had it not been for Aurora's tonics that would stabilize me from time to time to tune out everyone around me I wouldn't be able to carry on daily activities and finally join the Great Hall feasts. Had it not been for Aurora at all then I was sure that my whole job would've been at stake.
"Oh, ho, ho hoooo! Looky Miss Maevey slugging around the corridors, dressed to impress but now looks depressed and horrible!"
The ridiculous sing-song voice of Peeves erupted from in front of me as he flittered about my person before taking off down the corridor that I had just come from. Although his pestering wasn't welcomed, the last time he had tried to mess with me outside of my classroom proved futile when I reminded the poltergeist that The Bloody Baron was my house spirit and would have no problems with asserting that position to him. Now, his only way of bothering me was to tease me as he floated on by, searching for any more victims for his practical jokes. Continuing down the corridor I did my best to ignore the poltergeist's words, knowing his lack of politeness and cruel words were all too true.
I continued with my thoughts of just how much Aurora went out of her way to help me through this horrible ordeal. I owed her so much I wouldn't know where to start to repay her for her kindness, and patience. Thankfully for the first week, she was able to stay with me, hovering in a way that would normally irritate me but this time I just didn't have the ability to stop her. I didn't want to carry on with the day-to-day tasks, and there she was to help and force me to do so. She had stopped pushing me for the truth when she realized it only broke me to speak of it. Remembering the look in Severus eyes, how close our bodies stood against each other how it all felt so cold when he pulled away, the pathetic display of waiting and sobbing after he slammed the door on me. It was all too much to explain at the time. She was no fool though; I could see how still she became, eyes showing worry but concentrating on me intently.
She kept Elowyn at bay and explained that I was sick, and she wasn't necessarily lying when my physical symptoms of depression showed. I was–am–sick to my stomach at the thought of him. Of myself and my cowardice.
When I could no longer hold it in I was able to explain that something had happened between me and Severus, which was no surprise to her, but explaining that we couldn't be together turned into another crying fit that left the reasoning incomprehensible. She was gentle, she held me and allowed me to cry in her arms once again. I remember after I had calmed down all in thanks to her special tonic, we had laid in my bed. Silent, no pressure to speak, just lying facing each other as she smoothed my hair out.
"I don't know if I've ever called you my friend…" The words slipped out in a rough voice, my throat had been so sore from the consistent crying and little talking I went through. She did not falter her movements but gave me a small, sympathetic crinkle of a smile.
"I know," She spoke softly, nearing a whisper in the volume of her voice. While her eyes showed loving understanding, I didn't mistake the flash of sadness before returning to the more nurturing gaze "But you never had to." she added before lowering her hand resting on my own.
I stared at her for a moment unsure of what to say next. Silence wrapped over us as I contemplated my next words. "Aren't I a bad friend because of that?... Am I a friend at all?" My voice broke at the end, and while the wave of new tears tried their best to break through, and the rush of panic in my chest tried the same, thanks to the tonic it didn't happen.
Aurora looked at me before her eyes fell downward. "You just said it in different ways. Confidant, partner, assistant… they all meant the same thing to me. I just came to know how you worked and didn't mind that that was the only way you could." She gave me her precious, bright smile along with a reassuring squeeze.
I swallowed at the nakedness of her words, how I felt seen by her in a way that didn't need to be danced around. I squeezed her hand back unable to say anything else.
I had to stop for a second in my walk, reliving the memory as if it were happening. The dissociative action was something I realized I was doing during utter heartsick times. The first time it happened wasn't long after finding out the cause of my mother's death, followed by my father's suicide. Flashes of memories about my father wailing, inconsolable after hearing the words from the ministry worker, but all I could focus on was our ugly brown and off-white rug that my mother always fussed about. The ministry workers replayed through my mind, and it was as if I couldn't bear to hear them again no matter if the memory stuck out in that moment.
I blinked away the thoughts before they could continue, the tonic working in overdrive to stop the influx of new emotions, and continued my walk. I wasn't walking briskly but I did take my time and took a moment to undo my hair that had fallen throughout the day before pulling it back once more.
I was able to pull myself together enough just before term started back up, and by that time I had to do what I could to maintain composure. I bathed when I remembered, I ate when I thought of it, and I was able to put on my clothes for the days ahead of me, but I was fully aware I looked less put together to the students and staff around me. It wasn't until recently that I was able to put only a bit more effort into my eating; a major victory to me considering I used to have to rely on Aurora for bringing me food.
I wish I could say that I remained professional through this difficult time, but unfortunately due to my depressive state, I was unable to spare the students from my troubles. The rumor mill had started circling again with our appearance, but unlike before I would hand out detentions as if they were the latest sweets from Honeydukes. It put a lot of children on edge around me, but I couldn't acknowledge their behaviors, only forced myself into that disconnected state in order to get through the days. Elowyn, Harry, Ron, and Hermione all tried their very best to not to further agitate me and even showed their kindness as best as they could. For them, I could muster something up, but it was painfully obvious I wasn't able to do much more.
Elowyn tried to talk to me in private, doing her best to be questioned objectively about the current state I was in. I was as transparent as I could be with her; I was depressed, I wasn't feeling good, but I'd be okay eventually. For once I watched as she took my words without question, seeing clearly that she needed nothing else explained.
"I haven't stolen anything!" The words of a familiar voice, Harry Potter's in fact, caught my attention just around the corner of the hallway. Scrunching my eyebrows together in suspicion I picked up my pace to see just what he was talking about. As I rounded the corner, I came across the strange scene of Harry looking shocked and panicked at whatever thievery accusation that Severus Snape had just told him, who was towering over Harry with a small green vial in between his fingers.
"Don't. Lie. To me." The low threatening tone of the professor told me that no matter what he wasn't going to listen to the fourteen-year-old's objection.
The scene spiked something inside me, the way this man was speaking to my Godson in a way somehow awakened the anger in me that had been washed down with the grief. Seeing Severus should've made me turn back around to find another way to my chambers, or even hide for a moment before scurrying away pitifully, and yet all it took was Harry's presence and integrity in question that made me react.
Putting my hands in the pockets of my slacks I advanced leisurely as I wanted to play part carefully. With a few steps in their direction, it alerted Harry first before Severus as both men turned to look.
"Maeve—Erm, Professor Thorne!" Harry quickly corrected in his startled state, but I said nothing as I looked at him and then next to Severus, who looked as if he had gone pale at the sight of me, lips pursing in a tight line losing the color. It was a reward to a nonetheless cruel reminder.
"What's the problem, Harry?" The raspiness of my voice could be heard as I watched Severus quickly conceal the vial within in his hand before straightening up, a sneer already formed on his face but said nothing. I pulled my hands out of my pants to fold my arms and lifted my chin to assert myself.
"Well, erm, I–just–"
"You're not in trouble, Harry, I'm just curious why your portions professor thinks you're lying to him." I shrugged lightly, trying my best to remain casual and even inviting Severus to take up the confrontation. He did so obligingly.
"That remains to be seen. It's really none of your concern, so if you don't mind, I'd like to finish this private conversation… alone." His threatening tone didn't hold back, and there was plenty of his famous bite in the words.
I looked slowly at Severus with no expression on my face, only turning my head to the side and raising an eyebrow. I watched as his face twitched but held his head high with the appearance of power in how he held himself. He was doing his best to conceal whatever underlying emotion, and instead of responding immediately, I held his stare without even flinching. I had spent so long avoiding him that I didn't imagine this indirect confrontation would feel so… empowering.
"No," I finally said after the nervous Gryffindor boy kept looking between us, becoming still just like his Potion's Master did at my words. "I don't find that to be necessary. In fact Harry, I want you to go to your dorm; it's getting close to curfew." With steady, even words and finding it to be clearer than it had been in days or weeks, I refused to break eye contact.
"Uhm, are you… sure–"
"Disregard whatever insubordination has come over Professor Thorne's mind, Potter, and stay here!" Severus was quick to cut him off as he took a step further to stare me down, a flash of bewilderment could be seen in the movement of his brow and corners of his eyes but didn't falter his eye contact either. His eyes were swimming with anger with my defiance.
"And miss curfew? Do you expect to give him detention as well for your orders? Leave, Harry, now." Still, my gaze burned into Severus as my words became sharper in their reply, a tone mirroring the same iciness in Severus from what I heard earlier. The red in Severus cheeks flared with evident ire continuing to rise, and without stopping myself I let the corner of my mouth tug into a smug smirk.
"Harry, if you continue to stand there for a second longer, I'm taking fifty points from you," This time I turned to look at Harry whose confused and appalled expression was just as amusing as Severus's livid one. "So, leave."
Harry took one last hesitant look at Severus before turning on his heel and taking long strides to quickly remove himself from the scene.
"We're not done, Potter!" Severus called out to him but didn't run after him, and Harry didn't turn back to take a chance of setting him off more. Severus whipped his head to me with what could only be described as less than murderous intent. The curl of his lip showed me I was on the thinnest ice, his lively glare showed the cracks of the ice that began to seep with water.
"You should learn better than to meddle in other people's affairs." He growled at me and turned away to head back to the room he stepped out of, catching a glimpse of the several jars and vials in all different sizes and colors I could only guess this was his personal storage room.
I couldn't stop myself this time nor did I want to. That anger that he flared into me had risen inside to forge motivation that I had lacked in the last two months. I had enough of this hiding, the starvation and needing of others to depend on, and enough of this spinelessness that I had developed all from him. Whatever happened after I confronted him then so be it, but I could at least sleep knowing I had done–said–something. I would not take any more from him if he so desperately needed to hear from me words I desperately needed to say. Just as he went to close the large wooden door, I caught it with my hand and slipped between the opening before pulling it to slam behind me. Severus whipped back around with shock in his widened eyes that narrowed dangerously at my daring move. The fear he'd put in most from his wrathful confusion would have made them regret what I had done, but to me, it only added the dark satisfaction of fueling this raging fire inside me.
"Just what do you think you're doing?!"
"I'm giving you what you want, you ass!" I unleashed on him to the point where he drew back only slightly from the change in my tone. My heart began to race faster, the pulse quickening and warming my chest and cheeks. "You cruel, cheeky, secretive man! I'm giving you exactly what you want, and you'll hear whether you give a shit or not!"
Severus eyes widened a fraction more at my tone, and wincing at such a display of emotion that he wasn't sure how to respond to. It wasn't a secret that if I'd been pushed to my limit I'd strike back, but I couldn't even remember a moment where I had yelled at him like this. He dared not move but narrowed in calculation at me and did nothing to protest.
"You might think that there's nothing about me that's changed, or that I'm still some deceptive little girl who only wants a superficial life, but you have no idea how much I've been through since I lost you." I dropped my rising voice so that I wasn't yelling but the intensity remained. Swallowing back the dryness in my throat for a second before continuing. "I have lied to a lot of people, cheated them out of their money or resources, or even stolen what I could to survive! I've had to do so because that's all I knew what to do, but I never did anything like that to you. I haven't done anything like that to you!"
The more I spoke the more freeing it felt to just say all of this to him, even if I was slowly riling up the more that came out. Aurora's tonic must've been wearing off quickly if my heart rate was going up the way it did, and my anger was seeping out more.
"I was a dumb little girl who let her stuck-up ways get the best of her. Because of her, I'm now living with my greatest sin, Severus." I took a step forward and closed the distance between us considerably, the man before me had flinched to move back but held himself together as I held him with my stare, tears starting to form as I realized just how vulnerable I was being. The exposure of my raw feelings was foreign to me in this situation.
"My sin was losing you. I've lost you once. After all, I wasn't mature enough to understand this world isn't so easy to decipher, that I wasn't morally better because I denied what I felt or stuck my nose up so high I didn't see what a hypocrite I was." Severus searched in my face for something unbeknownst to me, possibly to see if I was pulling his leg or being dramatic, but the way his tensions softened made me realize he was listening intently to me.
"I lost you again because, after years of losing people, it never mended with time! If anything, it only made it tolerable–if that! I had to bury you in my mind after you left to just keep going, and after my mother-and father-and Lily it just felt like everyone kept disappearing from me!" The tears that had brimmed my eyes moments before fell, being quick to swipe them away I didn't care that he saw them, I was just tired of how they had dragged on my face after weeks of consistent suffering. My eyebrows ran together as I squinted and shook my head, trying to maintain the ability to keep speaking.
"I kept losing everyone around me… but I'd be a fool to lose you again when I've been given this chance to rectify that night… to not try to make up for what has left a hole inside of my chest!" I swallowed and licked my lips, looking down and away from him.
"My greatest sin was that I betrayed and destroyed myself for nothing that night I turned you away, Severus. The comfort of my ego did not alleviate what or who I truly wanted." My voice had fallen with my gaze from the once secured level to know a shaky, fearful display of such truth. I could feel my whole body tense and shake as the silence came over us.
Was I too late? I couldn't blame him if he considered this a pathetic display of a confession. I dared to read his face, seeing him glance down before looking back at me. His sneer didn't match the look in his eyes, they were unable to conceal the fact that my words affected him more than he was willing to say or show at that minute. For a moment it looked like he was fighting with himself internally about unknown forces
"So, it took you months…" He started, regardless of the nearly pained look on his face his deep voice held words of understanding. "To finally be able to admit it…. and you think you can just corner me and curse your way back into my life?"
I stared up at him as the deep sound of his voice, and the dark abyss of his eyes consumed me once more. His words may have been an attempt to push me away once again, but the sound of his baritone words betrayed him. I heard the inflection of hopefulness, saw the way his throat swallowed repeatedly and the few blinks in his eyes even told on himself. This wasn't enraged or dismissive Severus; this was nervous Severus. This was the same Severus I had seen the night he asked me to the Yule Ball, the anxiety before a decision was made.
I caught myself smiling lightly, the feeling had felt strange as the genuine emotion I felt that was expressed.
"Look at you-smiling-did you not hear me, woman? Are you finally over yourself enough to say… to just admit–" The low voice of Severus Snape had lost what he was trying to say, I took another step to close the space between off completely and craned my neck to keep the eye contact. He seemed to stop all ambition to speak but stare at me, mouth parted in shock at what to do next. Instinctually I reached up and put a hand softly on his chest, feeling the muscles twitch from it.
"I heard you," I started. "And yes… it took me so long to admit you have my heart, Severus." The heat in my cheeks radiated, the breath hitching in my chest as I swallowed away the fear I had held together for so long. The release of my truth seemed to echo around us as Severus continued to inspect me. His eyes widened for a split second, more thoughts swimming around in his mind, and remained unreactive. The only thing he seemed to know what to do was lean forward, and I couldn't stand the anticipation of lifting myself to kiss him softly. I pulled away and leveled back down while peering up at him, a shaky breath escaping as he processed the action with another few blinks. The red in his face returned but was softer, less violent than it had been minutes ago.
His brow was knitted together, eyes flickering back and forth in my own and his mouth twitching to say something. He slowly and lightly shook his head as his face melted into that of yearning. Strong hands gripped around my waist, startling me with a gasp before crushing his lips to mine. They were hungrier than I had expected, but that only excited me as my hands slithered their way up to his neck and leaned into him.
Whatever thick cloak of pessimistic and agonizing pain that I had endured the last couple of months was diminished second, by precious second with the way his lips pressed upon mine and turned to interlock. The fluttering in my heart rose like a petrified bird trying to escape from the depths. The way his hand had maneuvered to hold the back of my neck, fingers beginning to entangle with the hair at the base of my head, pulling lightly to loosen from the bun in my hair. I was so overwhelmed by his touching his scent wasn't exactly easy to determine what it was; earthy and smokey.
The soft velvet of his tongue broke through my lips to dominate my own, and I welcomed it with a vocal sigh of need. I was able to lose myself in his contact as the other hand moved to grab the side of my waist and pulled closer till our bodies were pressed together, an uncontrolled whimper escaped from my lips from the sensitivity of my side when he applied pressure with his fingertips. The movements of our lips and the way our bodies melded together created a surge through the pit of my stomach and lower. In a moment he pulled away from my lips and started to trail his kisses across my jawline that fell to the right side of my neck, causing another whiney gasp as the spikes of sybarites flared within my body.
"Noisy little minx, aren't you?" He growled into my skin, my cheeks becoming uncomfortably warm with such a display of his teasing pleasure and enjoyment from my reactions. The hot breath against the tender area created a shiver that longed for more. He removed his hands from the back of my head and used both hands on my waist to maneuver me back to the wall. My back had hit the wall next to where the position's shelf started, my left hand had moved to brace myself against his force causing a few bottles to clink together from the sudden touch before he started kissing my lips once more. I moved both my hands to cup his face while his right hand moved to hold the same side of my neck where his kisses still tingled from their sensation. The warmth of his palm sent more chills to run chaotically down my spine, his thumb caught my chin and pressed to turn my face away with little force as more kisses were trailed on the opposite side of my neck now. I bit my lip which was throbbing from the intensity of our kiss to try and ease the moan that wanted to come out.
My left hand had found its way to his hair, lacing with the soft locks and closing them between my fingers. I didn't pull or dictate him anywhere else but simply held the position as the other hand and slid to his chest. In this moment I was just a willing participant in the ritual of a vampire that fed on me till he was satiated by the hunger. He proved to be starving as he came to find my lips once more kissing a bit softer, more out of breath this time as he tasted my lips. I could feel him trying to continue in his passionate display of desire but his panting breath and eased strain against my body seemed to suggest he had finally exhausted himself.
The only sound around us was our heavy breathing as I leaned into his hand which found its way to my cheek, making me look into his eyes. Face flushed, lips red from the force of our lips, and eyes at half-mast when he looked at me. There was still more to crave from me in those lustful eyes, and I couldn't deny that I hadn't felt the same.
Our breathing had evened out and he pulled me into him, taking my back off the wall and holding me tightly with both arms. I laid my head down on his chest and turned to the side as I returned the embrace. The rise and fall of his chest soothed something in my core, something that had felt the void for so long. The smell of his aftershave or cologne was sharper but comforted me; I could smell eucalyptus, an earthy tone, and something akin to campfire smoke that made my knees weak. I could feel his body in a way I had only imagined tightening my grip on him, and he held me as if to ensure I could never leave once more. This embrace was much more than post snogging, it felt like his apology, fervor, desire, and comfort were mixed all in how he held me. I hoped he could feel mine just the same.
I couldn't believe how much had changed just by speaking up, another event that I wondered if the fates had conjured up to force us into whatever this was with him. I silently thanked them, closing my eyes as a full smile that hadn't appeared in months found its way onto tingling lips. I could only imagine how unshackled we were now that we could be within each other's arms, touching and showing expressive affection and sensual reciprocation. No one could stop us; nothing could get in the way.
We were destined to come to this point, and I couldn't have been more elated to follow the universe's orders for once in my life.
A/N: Now, I hope my very happy ending of this chapter foretells that not everything is actually going to go great for these two, and that they have A LOT of things to get through before a happy ending is even a question. Just because they've over come this hurdle, doesn't mean they're done with the race. I'm a sucker for an angsty romance, so that's what we're gonna get lol I want to thank Helia Revelio for their reviews; it truly meant so much to me that you follow this story and are giving feedback! Especially because I'm reading Severus Snape and The Natural which I HIGHLY recommend everyone read.
Since we, the audience, know who Maeve was truly speaking to I encourage you to put your thinking caps on during that scene between them. Perhaps you don't, and that's completely fine as that will be explained later within this story, and the next. It was quite important I'll say.
Much thanks and love,
TJ