A/N: So this is not the chapter I have promised with Kellan's part to the last chapter or the other, unpleasant part, because I'm still waiting for some plot progression. Haha. But I promise it's ready (and has been for a while) – for either on their way back to the Hunt, or after they get back. Anyway, sometime soon hopefully. This is just some younger Kellan in the meantime, because why not? :)

Sometimes when he walked the halls of the Institute, Kellan would reflect on a memory from when he was younger. He had always remembered it, for it was rare for his father to say anything about his mother.

It had occurred a few days after his tenth birthday. Unable to get to sleep one evening, Kellan had followed the sound of a pen clattering to the desk, and his father sighing, ending up at the door of his father's study. Often, he would be sent back to bed when it was too late, but on occasion, his father just smiled at him, and made him promise not to tell his siblings, not minding the company.

Work for the Clave, he'd soon learnt, was full of boring paperwork and reports when you were the Head of an Institute. His father was like Kellan, in that he'd always preferred the outdoors, and had a soft spot for nature. Seeing his father sitting at a desk was an odd image, indeed.

Watching his father from the doorway for a little while silently, he then snuck inside, and sat up on the large desk, beside where his father was working. His father looked tired, and he sighed again, rubbing his eyes when he grew tired of staring at the words.

They didn't make a whole lot of sense to Kellan, as they talked about rules and order and missions, and other things that didn't interest him. Leaning his elbows against the desk, his father gave him a slight, fond smile, before staring out the window. "She was beautiful, you know," he remarked, quietly. "And intelligent, too."

Inhaling in surprise, Kellan leaned forward, as if afraid he would miss his words. "Who?" he asked, quickly. "My… mother?"

Nodding in response, his father looked lost in thought. "You remind me of her sometimes. And your hair-…"

Kellan swallowed, listening intently, as if hanging off every word. "Do I?"

"Indeed," his father agreed. "Did you know I met her when I had to spend some time in the Seelie Court? Because I had a liking for the fae, I was sent there by the Clave on a mission to negotiate some things. It felt like a long time there - a good time – but when I came back here, it was like no time had passed at all."

This time Kellan nodded, in understanding. He knew his mother was from the Seelie, that was the only hint he had ever been given in the past. As soon as he could read well enough, he'd scoured the library for any books on the Seelie, reading them all in curiosity. He wanted to know what it was like there, so he could imagine it. He remembered reading something about the time in the Faerie sometimes flowing differently to the mundane time, so that was not a surprise.

"Of course, the scenery and the animals there were all awe-inspiring as well. There were unicorns and brownies and nymphs and nixies. You would have loved it," he continued, with a smile, and Kellan couldn't help but return it, as he tried to imagine it.

"I wish I could see it," Kellan whispered, before feeling guilty. He was a Shadowhunter, and Shadowhunters didn't have such wishes. They were things he never dared to voice.

His father merely ruffled Kellan's red hair, affectionally, like he used to do when he was younger, and Kellan leaned into his touch, instinctively. "I wonder what she would think of how I've brought you up," he pondered aloud, looking distant.

"She'd be proud," Kellan said confidently, always happy to defend his family. "I might not know her, but I know she would be. Anyone would be."

His father seemed to relax slightly, a smile in his eyes. "I'm lucky to have you. You're the greatest gift she could have given me."

Kellan's cheeks grew a little red, in a combination of embarrassment, and excitement, at learning so much. "Were you in love?" he asked, eagerly awaiting his answer.

"I was infatuated with her," his father admitted, with a slight, helpless laugh.

"And did she love you?" Kellan pressed, and his father paused, his gaze returning to the window.

"I don't know," was the reply, in a hushed tone, before he repeated it, not revealing anything further on the matter. "I don't know."

There was an air of nervous expectancy when the official letters arrived from the Clave. Kellan and his brother raced to be the first to get their own letters, laughing when they bumped into each other on the way. These letters would say whether they were accepted into the Shadowhunter Academy, for the next intake. Kellan was a year older than most when they started, but he didn't mind, hoping he and his brother would be in the same year. He pushed down a hint of guilt as he picked up the letter – his sister hadn't talked to him in days since she'd found out about his application, as she didn't want him to leave. He had promised her though, that he'd come back to visit every holiday when he had the chance, and he meant it.

Inhaling quickly, they brought their letters to the main room, where their father waited, sitting on a seat there. Kellan found he was too excited to sit, and he paced the room, as he ran his finger along the closing of the envelope, lifting it so he could remove the letter. He noticed Grace watching out of the corner of his eye. She must have slipped into the room when he wasn't watching.

Pulling out the letter, he scanned it, not being able to comprehend it for a long moment.

Declined.

His brother's face was bright as he held the letter up. "Accepted!" he declared, turning to Kellan in excitement. "We'll have to pack soon and-…" His words dropped off at Kellan's expression. "… What is it, Kellan?"

"I'm not going," Kellan replied, trying to keep his voice pleasantly neutral. He didn't want to ruin it for his brother. "But you're going to do great there… I know you will."

When his father held out his hand for the letter with a frown, Kellan stepped forward to hand it to him. "They can't do this…" his father muttered, looking troubled.

"What? This is stupid!" his brother protested, his eyes darkening in anger. "I can't believe this. I'm going to complain, I swear I am. The Clave will pay for this."

"Don't," Kellan inhaled, sharply. "You'll still go without me. Stop being ridiculous."

"I'm not going," his brother replied, firmly. "Not without you. Don't try and talk me out of it, Kellan. I've made up my mind."

Before Kellan could protest, he teared up his acceptance letter, letting the remains litter the ground, before walking out, and Kellan watched him go, a little sadly. Now his brother was going to miss out too, because of him?

Sometimes it felt like he brought misfortune on the family, and he hated it. He knew it was because of his faerie blood, that much was obvious. "But I'm a Shadowhunter," he whispered under his breath, as if convincing himself, as he turned away. Running over to him, Grace threw her arms around him, burying her head in his shirt. "They're stupid, Kellan," she said, and he smiled slightly, as he looked down at her.

"Well, I suppose I won't be leaving after all… I don't know what I was thinking, in the first place," he admitted, shaking his head a little. "I wouldn't have fit in there, at all."