It was after a few days of ignoring each other that people started to notice something was up between Cat and Jade. Actually, Cat had tried to talk to her but the older girl really was having none of it. Once again they found themselves at either side of their usual table in the Asphalt Cafe, Robbie and Tori between them on one side and Beck and Andre on the other. Jade was only half-listening as Cat rambled on about her and Tori's design class, her bright eyes lighting up as she spoke.
Jade shoved a fry into her mouth, her gaze fixed on the table, but her mind was a mess. It had been like this a week now—this weird, uncomfortable knot in her chest whenever she was around Cat. The knot twisted every time Cat smiled at her, every time she laughed.
"—and then, Tori glued her hand to the table it was so—"
"Cat, shut up," Jade snapped, the words harsher than she meant. Cat froze, mid-sentence, her smile faltering, confusion flickering in her eyes. Jade immediately felt a pang of guilt but quickly masked it with a roll of her eyes. 'What's wrong with you?' she scolded herself, but the knot only tightened.
"Oh… sorry," Cat said quietly, her voice soft. She picked at her sandwich, the enthusiasm from moments ago now gone.
The silence stretched between them and across the others on the table. Jade shifted in her seat, hating how tense everything felt all of a sudden. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Cat was supposed to keep talking, to fill the space with her endless kindness, her gentle energy that made everything else feel lighter.
Jade hated that she was the one making it weird. 'Why do you care so much?' The thought hissed through her mind, and she quickly squashed it down. She was Jade West, the girl who didn't care about stupid things like feelings.
But then Cat looked up again, her eyes soft and forgiving, like she hadn't even taken Jade's outburst personally. "I didn't mean to annoy you," she said quietly, her lips curving into that small, hesitant smile that always made Jade's chest feel like it was caving in.
"I just—" Jade paused, the words sticking in her throat. She didn't even know what she was trying to say. Why did she suddenly feel like this around Cat? Why did she want to say something nice but could never force the words out? Instead, they always came out sharp, mean, the way she knew how to handle things.
"Forget it," Jade muttered, looking away. She crossed her arms over her chest, trying to regain her usual indifference, but she couldn't shake the heat creeping up her neck. The knot in her chest tightened again, twisting her insides into something she didn't want to name. Everyone on the table was looking at her now. They were judging her, she was sure of it. Wanting her to sort out whatever stick was suddenly up her arse. She shot back daggers to each of them before making a decision. "Fine. Cat follow me." She commanded grabbing her bag and willing the redhead to follow her, which she did ever so quickly.
"Is this another closet party?" Cat asked as they reached the janitors closet within the school's main hallway. She watched Jade for a moment, trying to read her, like she could sense something more going on beneath Jade's surface but wasn't going to push.
"We need to talk about Halloween." Jade started, pacing back and forth on one side, frustration bubbling to the surface again.
"I thought you didn't want to-"
"Did you tell anyone?" Jade snapped, pointing a finger at the redhead, making her take a step backwards, knocking over an empty mop bucket by her feet. Clearly her body involuntarily moving towards the door in retreat, the same way she always did when Jade got too harsh. Jade had seen it a hundred times, that small flicker of hurt in Cat's eyes, and it made her feel sick.
"Eep," Cat squealed involuntarily. "No I didn't! You told me not to."
"Good." Jade nodded, lowering her finger and looking at the redhead. Her throat tightened. How could she explain something she didn't even want to admit to herself? She swallowed hard, her hands clenching into fists by her side. She wanted to snap at Cat, to push her away like she always did, but the words stuck in her throat.
"Jadey it was just a hug-" Cat told her. She didn't know why she was getting the blame for this-
"Because I can't fucking stop thinking about it!" Jade yelled, covering her hand over her mouth as soon as she released what she'd admitted. "I mean I- oh fuck it." She muttered in defeat, eyes locked back to the ground. "I can- I… everything smells like fucking strawberries!"
"Swears." Cat mumbled, knowing it wasn't quite the time, but unable to resist it. "Strawberries?" She asked, tilting her head to the side.
"Your- your stupid shampoo smells of strawberries." Jade explained, quickly glancing up, catching Cat's confused expression, and the knot in her chest tightened so much it almost hurt. "Look, I don't know how to say this without sounding like a complete idiot," Jade muttered, running a hand through her hair. Her heart was racing, and she felt like every word was a struggle. She wasn't good at this—she wasn't nice like Cat. She didn't know how to talk about feelings without messing everything up.
Cat's head tilted slightly, "Jade, what's going on?" she asked gently.
That gentle tone only made it worse. Jade's jaw clenched as she forced the words out. "I... I"m confused about Halloween." Her voice was harsh, more than she meant it to be, but she couldn't help it. "About how- how I feel about it. I can't stop thinking about you- IT!' She corrected, immediately regretting it. But it was true. She hated how vulnerable this made her feel, how out of control everything was when it came to Cat.
Cat didn't say anything right away. Jade's mind raced, imagining a hundred different ways this could go wrong—Cat laughing, Cat looking at her like she was crazy, Cat running and telling everyone else. Jade wasn't sure which option was worse. "Look Jade-" Cat told her, she knew what was happening. "You just miss Beck, that's all this is."
"This isn't about Beck, this is about you!" Jade yelled, her body so filled with emotions a part of her was sure she was about to burst. "I don't know what this is. I don't even know why I'm telling you, but I always tell you these things. I… I don't know Cat."
Jade West, sometimes, really was a softie. The same way sometimes Cat was hard as nails. People are more than just one layer deep, no one is inherently mean, there's always something that meanness is protecting. Same with kindness, it's often a defence to years of people being not so kind to them. It's weird how the human mind reacts to external pressures.
There was another pregnant pause while Cat analysed the situation- she was trying to work out what Jade was really saying. Jade clearly felt something about her all of a sudden, and Cat didn't know what to say. There was a part of her, a small part, that had been waiting years for this moment. For Jade to feel anything other than platonically for her. But the other 99% of her knew that what Jade was mostly feeling right now was confusion, not lust. And she didn't want to add her emotions to the mix and make this worse.
Finally, Cat's soft voice broke the silence. "Jade… I—" She hesitated, and Jade could hear the uncertainty in her tone. "What do you want to do about it?" She asked, her voice gentle but unsure.
"Nothing. Ugh I don't know I-. Just pretend I never said anything." She said quickly, her voice more defensive than she wanted it to be. She wished she could just take the whole conversation back. She stepped closer to the door, ready to bolt, the pressure in her chest unbearable.
But Cat reached out, grabbing her wrist gently. "No, wait," she said softly, looking up at Jade with those wide, sincere eyes. Now that she had her hand around Jade's wrist she needed to actually come up with a plan.
Jade stood there, her heart still racing, but Cat's hand on her wrist kept her from leaving. She didn't know how to handle this—any of this. Admitting her feelings had been hard enough, but now? The uncertainty was unbearable. The knot in her chest was twisting again, tighter and tighter, like it would never let her go.
Cat, still holding Jade's wrist, bit her lip, her eyes thoughtful, almost searching Jade's face for something. Jade wanted to look away, to hide, but she couldn't. She was caught—trapped between her own emotions and the way Cat's gentle touch was grounding her in place.
After what felt like an eternity, Cat spoke, her voice soft but steady. "How about we… spent another evening together? Just the two of us, somewhere quiet. But maybe if we have some time to ourselves, we can figure it out."
Jade stared at her, not quite believing what she was hearing. "You… want to spend a night together? Like, to see if this is real?" The words came out blunt, but Jade couldn't help it. This was so far from what she expected, and she didn't know how to handle it.
Cat nodded, a little nervous but still calm, like she was thinking it through carefully. "Yeah. You clearly need to work through this. We can just hang out, like we always do. If you feel it again, then we talk about this agin. If you don't then we know it was a one time thing." Her eyes softened, and she gave Jade a small smile, one that made that stupid knot in Jade's chest loosen just a little.
It would be nice sure but… Jade couldn't risk it. What if it wasn't a one time thing? It was a good suggestion but. No. There was too much of a chance that it wasn't and she didn't want to know.
"I don't know Cat." Jade replied hesitantly. She didn't know what would happen—if this would end up being a huge mistake. But the fact that Cat was even willing to help her once again, after she'd been so mean to her week, something in Jade's chest softened, the walls she always kept up starting to crumble, just a little. She couldn't bring Cat further into this mess she'd got in her own head.
"Think on it." Cat squeezed her wrist gently, forgetting almost that she was still holding it. "If it's on your mind this much it might be a good idea. But also, it might just go away on its own."
"Yeh. I'll- I'll think on it." Jade nodded, she liked that, having some time to think.
"Shall we go back to the others?" Cat suggested, finally letting go of Jade's wrist. "I think if we're in here any longer Andre will send out a search party to make sure you haven't killed me off." She joked, Jade would never do that, as much as she wanted keep up the illusion that she could.
"Good idea."