Day 4:

Kaidan woke several times throughout the night. Each time he was even more cold and sore. He could hear the other forty some officers in the room snoring loudly or moving, their cots groaning as they turned. The air outside was cold and still. He woke up for the final time four hours before sunrise. He lay awake, shivering in the dark. It was possible that he'd never been this cold before in his life. His interrupted sleep hadn't helped his headache. The scent of sweat, dried blood, and dirt mixed with the smoke in the air. The smell was overpowering, but he didn't have the energy to get up from his cot so he laid there, his head pounding and his stomach turning.

The stars were no longer visible through the hole in the ceiling; clouds must have settled in overnight. He worried that it might rain, and that would not bode well for morale. He closed his eyes. He could hear his own heart beat in his ears and he felt dizzy, even laying down.

He heard another officer stirring in the far corner. Turning his head he could see the faint outline of Colonel Dodge bending over, probably tying his boots. A lot of the men slept with their boots on but untied, to let their feet breathe. Kaidan never could shake the image of tripping over his boots should they be ambushed in their sleep, so he slept with his boots tied. It tracked that Dodge would be awake early as well. Every day, his updates on the supply shipment became less and less promising.

Kaidan stood, straightening his uniform as he did. He grimaced as his head throbbed at the change in position. He pulled his M8 out from its place at the edge of his bed and strapped it across his back. There wasn't much need for weapons in the field anymore. Four days after the war had ended, enemies were no longer alive. Most soldiers saw no reason to weigh themselves down with armor if there was almost no chance of an attack, Kaidan included. He kept his weapon though, in case raiders or gangs aimed to take advantage of the devastation to steal supplies from the Alliance. He wouldn't blame them if it had, he was certain that other parts of the city had a larger civilian presence, but in this sector they had all either evacuated beforehand or become lost among the hundreds of corpses.

He walked to the door just as the Colonel was leaving the room as well. "Morning, Sir." Kaidan nodded to the man.

"Major." Colonel Dodge was a tall, blond man, probably a few years older than Kaidan. He was skinny, like many logistics officers were, and not well suited for the field. Kaidan felt slightly bad for the man, but couldn't imagine he felt much worse than Kaidan did currently.

"Any updates on supplies, sir?" He asked Dodge. Behind them the other officers had begun to stir.

Dodge looked grim, "The radio connections have been so spotty, it's hard to know if any of the requests have been received, let alone logged in any official sense." He shook his head clearly defeated by the undertaking.

Kaidan shook his head as they walked together out into the cold air, "You're doing everything you can, sir. I wish we could all be doing more. None of it feels like enough."

The Colonel grunted in agreement and set his hands in his pockets against the chilly air. There was a breeze this morning, Kaidan noted. More signs of rain later. He, himself, gritted his teeth against the bracing wind. The sun couldn't rise quickly enough.

He refilled his canteen at the lone remaining water station. It was getting dangerously low. They were nowhere near the hospital here, so the running water was far from being restored. The small info they'd been able to receive was that the hospital near the Alliance headquarters was fully functional, a strange blessing that it had not been party to the devastation that likely covered the rest of London.

Colonel Dodge filled his canteen as well and silently acknowledged his understanding of the dire situation. They would almost certainly be out of clean water by the end of the day. Kaidan, again, felt badly for the other officer. It wasn't his fault that there were no supplies, but Dodge would be the first to burn if crucial supplies ran out with no hope of a re-supply. Kaidan had been fortunate in his career to never deal with such abhorrent conditions before this, but he feared mutiny, should the state of the base not turn around soon.

At the very least they needed water and food. Most would go hungry tonight. Many of the younger soldiers were already going hungry, not having the discipline to not eat their entire rations the first day. They needed better radio service as well. The few injuries and medical issues they've had the past three days, have been handled exclusively by combat trained soldiers. They'd all been given sparse field medic training, but none of them had further medical experience beyond tourniquets and medi-gel. They didn't have either of those though, beyond belts to stop blood flow and torn clothes to plug wounds, so it was barely helpful. If there was a serious injury there would be nothing they could do.

He put it all out of his mind as he took a sip of water. There wasn't a point in worrying about things he had no control over. Best to make sure no accidents happened, he supposed.

The morning debrief had just finished as the sun was rising. They were running behind schedule today; unsurprisingly as everyone was sluggish and tired today. The day prior they still had a few tough soldiers doing their best to stay positive, but all of that was gone this morning. Soldiers grumbled in formation, rubbing their sore muscles and shivering in the cold wind.

Morale was worse that he'd expected as he and the other biotic soldiers made their way back to the makeshift LZ they were clearing. The morning passed slowly as they worked, moving concrete and glass and rebar from the area. They uncovered two bodies in the wreckage as well today.

The sun was high in the sky, warming the soldiers as they worked, their skin slicked with sweat now. Kaidan heard a shout split the air as one of his female soldiers yelled for help. He ran across the LZ as quickly as he could, ignoring his aching legs.

"...holy shit! He just fucking dropped it on me!" she screamed as Kaidan approached.

"Carter!" he shouted. It was one of his students. He quickly lifted and threw the concrete off of her with his biotics. It was probably ten feet square and had crushed both of her legs.

"He just totally bitched out and fucking dropped it on me, sir!" she shouted again, pointing at her lifting partner. She was in shock. He glanced in the direction she was pointing, it was Private Burnell. His chest was caved in and blood ran from the corners of his mouth. He was dead.

Kaidan turned his attention back to the wounded soldier, "Lynne," he addressed her using her first name, "I need to stop this bleeding." He reached over to her and pulled her weapon off her back. He detached the gunsling from it quickly. Cutting the strap as evenly as he could with his field knife he tied a loop at the end of each piece. He looked at her empathetically, "This is going to hurt, there isn't really another way."

Both of her legs were bleeding profusely, the left above the knee and the right at the ankle. He looped the strap as high as he could on her thigh, threaded the long end through the loop he had made, and leveraged it as hard as he could. She screamed as her muscles were compressed, but the bleeding stopped as he secured the tail as well as he could. He repeated the process on her other leg.

He stood and radioed through his Omni-tool for help. He scanned all the radio frequencies, but heard nothing but static. Shit, he thought to himself. He glanced around looking for higher ground. He doubted it would help, but it was worth trying.

The other students had stopped to watch the drama unfold. He pointed to the nearest soldier, a Grissom Academy student identifiable by their red uniform. "Keep an eye on her, Private. The rest of you get back to work, it's no use staring. And be careful." He added the last sentence as he could hear his anger at the situation bleeding through into his orders.

He climbed up a taller part of the building nearby and radioed again, this time receiving mostly feedback. A moment of clear signal gave him some hope he was able to get through. He was about to turn back, defeated when a broken voice came through his radio. At first, he was able to decipher any words but a slight adjustment in position and he heard a familiar voice come over

"Kaidan….aidan…kkkkkk…..Is that…..yoooouuuu?" The voice was badly broken up by static, but was unmistakably Joker.

Kaidan's heart skipped a beat at the familiar voice. "Joker!? Come through Joker," he said back, desperate to make contact again. Private Carter needed medical help and even if Joker was flying an old shoe, Kaidan had faith he could get her to a doctor.

"Ka…..copy. Give…ordinates." Joker came over still broken, but Kaidan transferred his co-ordinates nonetheless. With any luck, the co-ordinates should upload directly to Joker's ship, whatever it was and he'd be here soon.

Kaidan scrambled back down the broken wall, sliding back into the area they had been clearing. He hurried back to where Carter was. She had quieted since he'd made radio contact. She was now laying flat on her back, limp. He checked for a pulse and found it irregular, but still present. She had passed out, hopefully from the pain, and her skin was clammy. She was definitely in shock.

About twenty minutes later a very familiar hum split the air. Joker was not, in fact, flying an old shoe. He was still piloting the Normandy. He stood up, waving his arms wildly. The cargo bay was open, soldiers inside likely looking for them. She was still fairly high above the city which made sense given the unpredictable topography of London in its current state. Kaidan was relieved to see the ship turn toward them.

Kaidan yelled to his soldiers to clear the landing zone and he knelt down beside Carter, protecting her unconscious body from the debris flying as the Normandy landed. As soon as the Normandy was still, two soldiers raced from the cargo bay ramp to meet Kaidan. He recognized one of them, but not the other.

"Copeland," He addressed the one he did recognize, "She has crush injuries, both legs, get her to the doctor now. Is Chakwas still on board?" He asked informally for efficiency.

Copeland answered, "No sir, she's been assigned to the hospital, but we do have a general medic on board, less senior. We'll get her to the med-bay now, sir." The man Kaidan didn't know lifted Carter as gently as he could, and they set off to the med-bay with her.

Kaidan followed them, forgetting for a moment that he was no longer on the crew of the Normandy. He didn't care, continuing up the ramp. The cargo bay was different from when he was last on the ship. There were very few familiar faces there. Steve Cortez and James Vega were no longer stationed down here. He wondered what had happened to Cortez. He knew Vega was also stuck at the Hammer base as well, but Kaidan hadn't seen him since the first day. Last he had heard Vega was leading a scouting party, running recon on local areas looking for survivors. He would likely be back soon, survivors were growing unlikely now.

He made his way to the elevator and took it to the CIC, where he quickly moved past the galaxy map, walking up to the cockpit to ask Joker a massive favor.

Joker spun in his pilot's chair as Kaidan walked into the room. "Kaidan," he addressed him in the informal way everyone on the Normandy addressed each other. "You'll have to forgive me for not saluting, my bones and all. You know." Joker jested, and the familiar inappropriate levity was extremely welcome to Kaidan in the moment.

"Yeah, yeah," Kaidan joked back, "It's good to see you Joker," he said seriously.

Joker looked at him soberly as well, "Yeah it's good to see you too."

Kaidan got straight to business so they could get back to their individual posts. "I have a huge favor to ask Joker."

Joker groaned, "Oh no, here we go."

Kaidan interrupted him, before he started a monologue, "We need supplies. Water, food, medical supplies, anything you can think to bring." Kaidan finished before adding another item, "and better radio equipment. We need to be connected to the Alliance. I only barely got through to you and that was just luck."

Joker nodded to him, "Got it. I'll see what I can find when I get back to the Alliance headquarters. It's not far from here so it shouldn't take long. Traynor's been messing with our radio, making it stronger or something. Glad she has, you guys would have been screwed without us." he added

"Thank you Joker. I owe you big time." Kaidan turned, walking back to the elevator.

Joker spun around, back to the Normandy controls, "Galactic hero Jeff Moreau at your service," he mumbled to himself.

Joker engaged the core to the ship and Kaidan knew he had limited time before he was stuck on the Normandy for the day. He selfishly considered hesitating, but his soldiers outside needed him. Even still, he walked slowly back to the elevator enjoying the comfort of the ship. It was odd being aboard the Normandy without the many familiar faces. The ship had been his home, but without most of the crew and Shepard, it felt like a stranger to him now. A grim sadness gripped his chest, making it harder to breathe. He pushed it down, unwilling to let his emotions get the best of him at this moment.

He headed back down to the cargo bay to leave before Joker took off with him on board. He paused as he walked down the ramp. It hadn't been that long since he had stood in this very spot with the Commander, bidding Anderson luck on Earth. It had only been a handful of months, but it felt like a lifetime ago. He sighed sadly, looking at the place Shepard had stood that day. Shaking his head to clear it, he walked off the Normandy as Joker began taking off.

He did his best to push the thoughts out of his mind again, but it was hard to shake the sadness at the possibility of never seeing Shepard again. It had been four days since the battle; no one could live that long, especially if they were hurt. Maybe it was naive, but Kaidan thought that if anyone could survive all that, it would be Shepard.

He joined back up with his soldiers and directed the majority of them to continue working. He singled out two of them, "Hyde, Grant," he waved them over. The soldiers jogged over to him, their energy somewhat renewed by the events of the afternoon, "Run back to base, ask for General Adakis, talk to no one else. Tell him that we've secured a shipment from the Alliance."

Both young men saluted and set off back toward the base. Kaidan was worried that if they talked to anyone else it would create an unorganized mob of soldiers, rather than a coordinated effort to move the supplies to base. He trusted his students to follow orders.

It was an hour before they returned. Kaidan and the remaining biotics had continued to clear the LZ, now motivated by the promise of a hot meal this evening. The two soldiers walked up to Kaidan, accompanied by Colonel Dodge and a few other logistics officers. Kaidan saluted them as they approached.

The Colonel, being the most senior of the group, returned the salute and addressed Kaidan, "How much time do we have?"

Kaidan shook his head, "I have no idea, sir." It was frustrating to not know, but there was no reliable way to contact the Normandy, especially now that it would likely be further away. Kaidan had no idea how far the Alliance headquarters were from their current location.

Colonel Dodge and the other officers set about surveying the area and pointing in various directions. Kaidan wasn't bothered with the specifics of their endeavor. He was happy to let someone else do the work for a moment. He'd instructed his soldiers to rest before the Normandy returned. Most of them were sleeping in rays of sun that filtered through the wall of the building he had climbed earlier.

The building stood resolute to the south of the LZ, despite only one of its four walls remaining. Kaidan wondered to himself if all of London looked as damaged as this, or if there were parts that the Reapers hadn't touched. He honestly couldn't fathom what the galaxy would do if the Reapers had flattened every city on every planet as badly as they had in this sector. If it was this bad everywhere, whole cities would need to be rebuilt completely from the ground up. He couldn't imagine that it was even possible. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, the sun warming his face. Sleep never came but he rested his body, the stillness of waiting entirely welcome after the adrenaline filled afternoon. He was startled back to attention by the hum of the Normandy's engines.

Dinner that evening came late. A few of the enlisted soldiers had volunteered as cooks and had prepared a hot meal. With the fuel, food, and water they had received this afternoon everyone at base was joyful. There was laughter around the chow hall as the soldiers ate their meals eagerly. Kaidan didn't even try eating. He'd been dizzy and sick to his stomach all afternoon. He knew he should eat, but the minute he even looked at or smelled the food his stomach churned. The adrenaline from the accident and then reuniting with the Normandy had worn off, and he felt dreadful. The pain in his head was searing now, easily the worst he had ever felt. His vision had been spotty for the last hour, and he was finding it difficult to focus. He got up, a wave of nausea washing over him.

He walked outside to get somewhere more quiet. Outside in the street there were now burn barrels positioned every so often to help the soldiers stay warm. Groups of people hung around them chatting and laughing. Someone was singing a song that Kaidan didn't know.

He found an alley that was dark, a remaining wall casting a shadow from the flood lights. As he was walking, his vision started to narrow. He blinked, frantically trying to regain his composure. He put his left hand out to his side, catching himself on the wall. He noticed he could no longer hear the people laughing and talking behind him; it sounded like he was underwater. He leaned over and retched against the wall, but there was nothing to come up but bile.

He was vaguely aware of a group of shadows walking past the alleyway opening. One of them said something and came toward him. He tried to straighten his posture, but his vision started blackening again so he leaned into the wall.

"Hey, man, are you good?" a familiar voice asked, putting a hand on his shoulder, "Oh shit…Kaidan?" James Vega said. He turned back to the group he was with and gestured to them to leave, "Go on guys, I'll catch up later."

Kaidan looked at the other man for help. He was sure that he could not stand up without the support of the wall.

James seemed to notice, and helped Kaidan to sit down on the ground. Both men sat side by side with their backs against the wall. Kaidan leaned against the other for support, his vision still blurry and his head still aching with pain.

James looked over at Kaidan, examining him, "Man, no offense, but you look like hell." His voice was worried despite the crass way he spoke.

Kaidan struggled to find any words, "Thanks," he mumbled jokingly. He also meant it more seriously than he let on. He was extremely thankful that Vega was helping him. It was better James than any other soldier on the base finding him in this state. He breathed deeply, resisting the urge to vomit again. His head was spinning and he couldn't think straight. He leaned his head back against the cold concrete, closing his eyes and exhaling loudly.

Vega looked over at him, "Hey," he said, sounding uncharacteristically serious, "I don't want to get all personal, but…" he trailed off, "...killing yourself won't bring him back." He finished finally, obviously feeling uncomfortable about his emotions on the topic.

Kaidan knew how much Shepard meant to Vega. The whole crew of the Normandy was close, but very little compared to the mutual respect and trust between a commanding officer and his protege. Shepard frequently brought Vega along on missions, eager to teach him everything he knew. Kaidan felt his chest tighten at Vega's sentence.

He knew it was unlikely that anyone could live so many days without any medical care or clean water, but he hadn't really allowed himself to think about it. There was too much going on to be distracted by grief. He had certainly heard the other soldiers crying quietly at night over the friends and family they had lost, but he simply hadn't allowed himself the time. Now though, exhausted and miserable, he could feel his throat tightening and his eyes burning. He fought it off though, he wasn't about to weep over Shepard in the street.

He nodded to James and replied with a simple and quiet, "Yeah." Maybe he just didn't want to face the loss yet. He nudged James, "Hey, help me up will you?" he asked.

He wanted to go to bed. He wanted to be alone, and very few of the officers would be in the barracks with all the excitement this evening.

James stood and extended an arm to Kaidan and helped him stand. "You need help back?" he asked Kaidan, steadying him.

Kaidan shook his head, "Thanks, I'll be okay." The dizziness and nausea had passed, so he hoped he would have enough strength to get to the officer's quarters. "Thank you for this," he added, earnestly.

James nodded, "Take care, Kaidan. I'll see you around." He stood, watching worriedly as Kaidan walked away.

It wasn't long before Kaidan was laying down on his cot in the cold officer's quarters. He had been correct in assuming that no one would be in the room now. He lay there still for a long time. After a few moments it started to rain finally. The sky had been threatening it all day. The hole in the ceiling was letting in rain, and a few drops hit his face as he looked over. He closed his eyes, feeling the refreshing cold water on his face. He rubbed his hands over his face, using the rain to wash some of the day's old blood and dirt from it.

What James had said earlier had gotten in his head and, with his eyes closed tightly, he could vividly see Shepard's face from the last time he would probably ever see him. From when the Commander had left him on the Normandy ramp to finish his mission. Before he had left he'd kissed him and told him that, no matter what happened, he would always love him. Kaidan supposed he knew that was the last time then, watching Shepard disappear toward the beam as the Normandy left. He knew the mission was the Commander's to finish, but it had killed him to leave him behind like that. He had felt so torn between his heart and his duty. He wondered if Shepard had felt that way. I guess that doesn't really matter much now, he thought grimly.

He felt tears welling in his eyes again at the memory of his Commander's face. He blinked them away and resolved to go to sleep. He couldn't afford to fall apart now. He was already struggling enough with the migraines, he couldn't risk looking like a mess. His soldiers needed him, and he supposed that he needed them as well. Sleep didn't come easily that night.

Eagle jolted awake. Yet another dream of the child from Earth. He couldn't save the child again, he never could. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, sitting up and rubbing his face with his hands. He reached for the glass of water he had beside the bed and took a sip. He heard Kaidan stirring behind him on the bed. He turned to look at him, he felt bad having woken him up again. The dreams were becoming more frequent, disturbing their nights more and more.

Kaidan moved toward him and put a hand on his back "Hey…what's wrong?" he asked, his voice heavy with sleep.

"Just another dream," Shepard replied quietly, brushing it off. He didn't want to worry Kaidan.

"I know when you aren't telling me the full truth, Eagle." Kaidan said, rubbing his hand across Shepard's shoulders.

Shepard sighed and furrowed his brow, "It's just a bad dream. Every soldier has them." He wasn't sure that he fully believed himself. Somehow the dreams seemed more sinister than that. He didn't want to let on to Kaidan that he felt that way though.

Kaidan, still laying on the bed running his hand across Shepard's back comfortingly, narrowed his eyes, "You don't believe that do you?"

Dammit he knows me too well, Shepard thought. He turned his head, looking down at Kaidan, "How do you figure that?" he asked, a little frustrated at Kaidan's perceptiveness.

Kaidan smiled gently, "You wouldn't have said anything if you weren't trying to convince yourself." He blinked slowly, trying to preserve his sleep.

Eagle looked over his shoulder at him, smiling slightly at his wit. "I'm just worried. Something about these dreams feels…different," he took a moment to find the word he wanted, "I don't know how to describe it." He decided then that he wasn't going to tell Kaidan about the child in the dreams.

Kaidan looked a bit hurt that Eagle didn't want to talk about it, but seemed to understand when to leave it alone. He looked up at Shepard warmly, "Come lay back down with me, I'll help you sleep."

Eagle sighed and smiled. He reached back to cup Kaidan's face with his right hand, "What did I do to deserve you?" he asked breathily.

Kaidan smirked, "Saved the galaxy twice. I have very high standards."

Shepard chuckled, "You really are one of a kind, Kaidan."

Kaidan blushed slightly, barely visible in the dark room, "I could say the same about you."

Eagle's face turned somber, his mind shifting focus, "No, I'm being serious, Kaidan." He made eye contact with the other man, his eyes softening as he did. "You are, uncomfortably, everything to me." He rubbed his thumb along Kaidan's cheek.

Kaidan leaned gently into the contact, "...Eagle" he said, trying to comfort the other. He grabbed Shepard's wrist, encouraging the touch.

Eagle shook his head, continuing, "It's terrifying, Kaidan. I've never felt so at peace with someone. I look at you and I see the future I so desperately want. My heart aches thinking about everything we have to face before we get there. I've never struggled with facing the mission before, but now I can't stop thinking about what would happen if things go badly. If you'll end up hurt in the end…"

Kaidan was breathing heavily; Shepard could see his chest rising more quickly. Kaidan looked away briefly, "We'd be stupid if we weren't scared, Eagle," he began, looking back into Shepard's eyes deeply, "The stakes are so high…and if one of us ends up hurt, at least we'll have known love," Kaidan paused, "I love you, Eagle Shepard."

Shepard smiled sadly, looking away from Kaidan briefly.

Kaidan quietly added, "I don't want you to feel like you have to-"

Shepard looked back at the other man, interrupting him, "I don't feel like I have to, I want to. I love you too, Kaidan." He leaned over, taking Kaidan's face into his hands and kissing him slowly.