Train Rides

-Consus Ornstein, 18, District 2-

The energy on the train sure was… Something. Ornstein could feel it from the moment he stepped foot there.

He had volunteered with empty pockets that were now full. Full of… Things. Tokens.

Ornstein stared at his hands for a long moment.

Aunt Eirini. Smiling just like she smiled when he performed a new piece of music for the first time. Just like he learned something new. He always loved making her smile that way. But now… He hated it. He hated what he had done, and he couldn't take it back now. Why?

He tried to hold onto the warmth in her voice. He tried to remember exactly how she sounded, how she looked, when she smiled and said "you didn't let them step on you any longer." That was true. That was exactly what he did. Why didn't he feel… Good, then?

All he had now of her was a lousy, half-empty container of cork grease. She wasn't expecting it and was looking so hard for something to give him. He always used to use too much of it as a kid and now barely used it at all. But here it was. He looked at it for a moment and felt a little disgusted at her praise for him. He hadn't done something good. He had ruined lives. He didn't deserve this. Stop saying those things. You're a fucking liar. I'm shit.

It wasn't the only thing he'd gotten in that goodbye. Oh, fuck that stupid goodbye room. Why?

Uncle Caius. He came by himself. Here was a man that always had Ornstein feeling threatened. He was someone that stole away his Aunt. She had him and she didn't need her nephew anymore. Well, she did… Now he knew that. But it truly felt like news to him at that point…

He was smiling too. He was proud. He always smiled like that when Ornstein played a duet with Aunt Eirini, but this…. It was just different somehow. He didn't hold anything against him. He said he wished that Ornstein had been around more as of late so he could see the man he was becoming. It sounded so obvious now. But he never understood that before. Probably because he refused to. He ran away… There was no running now.

He stared at the button from his Uncle for a moment before he just slowly put it back down. Some token. But he gave it because he cared. Everyone was so surprised, he was worried that nobody would give him a token at all. Because he really did love Ornstein too… Fuck.

Silas and Gallio. His cousins. They could have run in and talked non-stop about him volunteering and how cool they were going to be now that their cousin was in the Games. And of course there was a little bit of that – they were still twelve and ten after all. But… They also said how they never see him anymore. And how they missed him. And they wanted to do something… Special for him, in trying to find him a token. But all they had was just a shoelace. And he had it here in his hands now. They didn't think the cork grease or the button was good enough. They wanted to be special to him. They looked up to him.

He thought they didn't really like him. But maybe they did. Maybe they were happy to have cousins. Maybe they did wish he was around more when he moved away from home. But… That just didn't make sense. They had their whole family without Ornstein. They all did… Right?

Ugh. Fuck.

Mom. He thought she would be proud of him. He thought she would just… Well, tout his accomplishments, like she always did. Put her name on his success. But she was inconsolable when she entered.

Ornstein had seen a lot of things. But seeing his mother cry? Not until right then. It was a disconcerting sight, that was for sure. And the worst part was that he had no comfort for her. The only thing he could do was just… Shit man, try to keep it together while she was there and not break like a big man-baby.

He stared at the earring she'd given him. She took it off right then and there. It had a shiny diamond and a gold backing. She didn't have anything on-hand and had to make it work at the last minute. She had begged him to take it. And, despite everything their relationship had been through… He couldn't tell her no. He couldn't help but give her a big hug. Something about being in her arms just brought him back to feeling… Safe. For just a moment.

Dad. He came in by himself. He seemed… Proud, but yet… Solemn. Maybe just waiting for me to go die. No faith in me. That wasn't what he said though. And his Dad was many things. But he wasn't a fucking liar. Dad rubbed his face a lot. He gave a couple large sighs. He told Ornstein he was proud of him.

And he had something to give as well.

"I just had a feeling," he said. "I followed my instinct to bring this. And now, boy I'm glad I did."

Ornstein looked at the cufflink that he had in his palm. One of them was kept safely at home, for Chari perhaps, but one of them was on this train, miles and miles away at this point.

What had happened to them? This whole time, they always did care about him. They truly did just want him to be happy. Even if it meant he went far far away from them. Why couldn't he see that before now? They were just shit at conveying the message. And even if they weren't… Would he have even listened to them? He didn't know. Now where was he? All he had was a ticket to a death match and a bunch of these… Things!

Chari. His little sister. She was only seven. She didn't know what to think when she came in. By the time he saw her there, he didn't know what to think either.

"You're going away to the Games after all?"

"Yeah."

"It's far."

"Far. But not for too long." He could do this. He foolishly thought he could when her little eyes were looking up at him. Just waiting for him to disappoint her. How often had she looked at him like this and he didn't even know? Or attributed it to something else?

But something about seeing her hold up her little squishy in the shape of a little yellow duck made him make her a promise that he still wasn't sure he could keep.

"But this time when it's over I'm going to come back home."

He missed his family.

He left them because he thought they didn't love him. Why would he think that? After the goodbyes… It was so clear that they did love him, and never stopped doing so. He squeezed the squishy a little bit as he ran a thumb over it. She probably had many others like it. But this one was the one she chose to bring with her to the reaping, and then give away. It did mean something. It did. They all did love him. Maybe he could have seen it if he hadn't shut everyone out so quickly…

But no. He was here now. He had to try to get it together, with all of these… Things, and all of these thoughts and emotions and memories and doubt about every single thing he perceived from them…

Pryderi. Dumbstruck was definitely the word. Dazed. Practically not even there. He just sat down and stared at Ornstein. And Ornstein stared back at him, not even sure what to say. Was he disappointed? Probably. Ornstein went rogue. He disrespected District Two by what he did, the whole system that was created to give the District a strong shot at Victory year after year.

But the only one that would suffer for his crime was the criminal. He knew this now, after being able to calm down. He had let his rage and his hunger for justice overpower him. He couldn't let that happen anymore and self-destruct. The stakes had never been higher.

And yet, Pryderi just stared. Barely even said a word. Maybe he saw Cassandra cry. Maybe he felt responsible. But he wasn't. It was Ornstein's decision, the fight that he started and won. By a trick that could have killed Smough. They just stared at each other for a long few moments.

"I'm so proud of you. You've forged your own path."

Those were the only words he said. Liar. Stop that. It's not true. I've only signed my death warrant. And I'm not ready to die yet. And yet he had with him a ring that came off of Pryderi's finger. Did he regret giving it away in a daze? He had others, many of which would go to Siri for sure. He felt like an outsider there but he was never truly an outsider anywhere.

But then he was gone. Before Ornstein could say thank you, or anything of the sort. It was hard nearly impossible, to put into words everything that Pryderi did for him in those few years that he housed him.

Siri.

Her pink fuzzy keychain was the brightest of the bunch. It was like a little pom pom, it was so soft. And it caught some of her tears when she was crying over him volunteering. He thought maybe she would be proud of him because this was what he was training for. But she felt the same way he did about what he'd done, and he knew it. Scared for him. Angry at him. Hell knew he was angry at himself.

And yet she was still brave enough and loyal enough to make the most of those last few minutes they had together before everything was about to change forever. He was thankful for that, and not at all sure that he deserved it. In fact quite the opposite.

But that didn't matter for that moment. Because they were together. Brother, and sister. Blood didn't connect them, but their bond was so strong. And he already hated himself for disappointing her just because he got a little mad at Smough. He hated himself for a lot of reasons right now.

Ornstein had his hands and pockets full of things, but Isabella didn't have anything she was looking at. If she had a token, it was tucked away safely, and not at all on her mind as she was pacing back and forth in the train.

"Please, sit down," said Solaire, trying to be nice, but Isabella just shook her head.

"I'm ready to get to work," she said. "I don't have time to sit around." She finally looked up, brown eyes piercing straight through Ornstein with how she was staring him down. "Neither do you. Rogue."

"I-" Ornstein said, pointing at himself for a moment before remembering that yes, he was the rogue. And he wished he wasn't. "I'll work hard to prove myself. But there's nothing we can do here…" he said almost like a question under her confident gaze.

"There's always something you can be doing!" Isabella said right away, getting on the floor and doing some push-ups. Wow, she was so strong. Ornstein was strong too of course, but he didn't live and breathe training like she did. And everyone knew it. She wasn't always like this. In fact there was a time that she would have been considered a nice girl, and was kind to him despite being poorer and not from town. But then she got tied up with Giano, the same bad news as Smough considering those two were always best friends. And now she was here. "So get to work and show me you're good for something, rogue!"

Ornstein was absolutely intimidated by that and his biggest fear was being left out of the Careers because of her so he quickly nodded. "Oh yes ma'am," he said as he dropped down to copy her doing push-ups, and lifted one hand from the ground to show off.

Isabella was watching him – it was impossible to not feel her eyes on him – so he pushed a little harder. It didn't feel good to be doing this while surrounded by the luxury of as many plush couches and chairs as he could ever dream of, but right now only one thing mattered – survival.

She got tired first and sat up, stretching her arms and trying to play it off. But Ornstein could see through her and slowly let up.

"Why?" she asked as she glared at him. "Why'd you do it? Are you stupid?"

Ornstein blinked at her, surprised in honesty that she would ask. "I-"

She put up a hand. "I don't want your deep thoughtful bullshit, okay? I'm not here to make friends. I just…" She sighed a little bit. "Never mind. I don't want to know! I don't even need to know your name, rogue!" She quickly got up and started punching, as if fighting an imaginary opponent. Ornstein figured that she was picturing a simulation fight in her mind.

"Tributes, please, sit down!" said Solaire but it fell on deaf ears. (About two generations too early for that joke to be relevant.)

"No!" said Isabella, really putting arm into a punch in front of her. "I! Can't!"

"Um…" said Ornstein, biting his lip as he watched this. He went over behind her and reached out hesitantly, afraid he was going to get punched in the gut. When he touched her shoulder even a little bit she whipped around and blew a curl out of her mouth, staring at him with eyes that almost appeared rabid.

"Don't touch me!"

"You're going to burn yourself out if you keep on like this," he said. Calmly and gently. Not accusatory. Just… A simple fact.

"I know my limits." She started jogging in place.

"I know mine and if you're ready, you're ready." He didn't feel ready at all. But he went over to get a little scone anyways and then slowly sat down, still nervous that she was going to shun him. "Nothing you do in the next half an hour is going to make you any more or less ready than you already are. So I plan to save my energy for what matters, and so should you."

Isabella stared at him for a moment and stopped exercising, just standing there. She didn't move towards the couch or towards the food, but she at least stopped looking so… Frenzied. "Hm."

"By the way," Ornstein said. "I did it because I was just so fucking tired of Smough winning. It wasn't fair. He didn't deserve it. I was just tired of being pushed around by him all the time." She wasn't looking at him and he would absolutely believe that she wasn't even listening to him at all. "I know you didn't want to know. But I wanted you to know."

"Where are the mentors?" Isabella finally asked, her hands squeezed into tight fists as she looked towards the car.

"I'll go fetch them. I just don't know what their problem is!" Solaire hurried off to get them, leaving the two tributes alone. The silence was deafening.

Ornstein was going to speak but Isabella talked over him before he could say anything. "Listen up, second-place. Don't go thinking that just because you and I hate the same people back home, that I'm going to like you or even go easy on you. You're still a rogue that undermined our District and brought shame to not only yourself, but also to me by association with you. And you're gonna have a lot of work to do to prove yourself. The Arena's not gonna have conveniently-placed puddles and sound systems, buddy. You got lucky. That's all it was. A fluke. If you're not good enough, I'm selling your ass out, and I'll enjoy it. Now don't talk to me again until you show me you're worthy of being here. Nod to show you understand."

Ornstein nodded obediently but he was troubled. Her expectations were going to be astronomical and he wasn't sure he was going to measure up. Well fucking then what?! But it was useless to try now. Otherwise he would just seem pathetic. She had pretty definitively gotten the last word this time, but there would be other opportunities for him to show his skills and prove her wrong. He had to.

"Aren't you just a peach?" They both gasped a little bit and looked up at the voice of a Victor. And admittedly, Ornstein was pretty starstruck and excited to see both of them in the flesh. "You remind me of my District partner. Take that… How you want." Jack Cherenkov just gave them a crooked smile and put a hand on his hip and used the other to point at Ornstein. "Thunderboy, you're with me."

"Oh," said Ornstein. He was expecting them to ask how they wanted to be mentored, maybe give a little blurb about themselves, give an opinion about who they wanted, but… Nope. "Uh, that was easy."

"We try, Jolty, we really try." Jack pointed to him and then the door to the next car over. "Let's zap on over there, eh? Hehe."

Ornstein looked at Isabella who was slowly sinking down on a chair as Talon was going over to her with arms crossed. Then he looked back at Jack who bounced his eyebrows at him. He was going to get in with Isabella and prove himself worthy of joining the Careers! …Someday. But for today, he would just focus on the beginning of this journey. However it may end.

"Alright." He smiled just a hint.

"I'll be there in a flash."

~.~.

-Kermit Fisher, 16, District 5-

He was fuckin' shaking.

He'd already thrown up once. Twice.

He held up a hand with a morbid fascination and stared at it for a long second, watching how it quivered. His stomach turned quickly and he hunched over again. "You'll barely feel it!" he said. He meant the motion of the train. But there was no barely feeling anything.

The girl that had been reaped beside him was silent. She stared at the wall with glassy eyes and refused to even look over. From far away, she looked like she was okay. In the zone, so to speak. It would likely present well to the nation that was watching them so closely now. Fuck, his name was suddenly one that everyone was going to know and he wasn't ready for it.

Meanwhile, Kermit had just barely held in his meager breakfast long enough to not spew it out his mouth on camera, and he'd been shaking ever since. There was feigned concern at first – but he wasn't willing to help himself for fear that it would make him sicker. This was his worst fucking nightmare come to life and there was nothing he could do to stop it from unfolding in front of his eyes, as if he were outside of his own body, completely out of control. And the only way to take control back… Was to kill.

Kill.

Knife.

Blood.

"Don't you trust me, Kermit?"

"I just want to play, Kermit."

"You're making me very unhappy, Kermit!"

She was on her own now. Not only did he have to fear for himself, but he had to fear for her now. What would she do to herself without him there to love her? Loving her from here wasn't doing her any good.

"Why didn't you tell us?" He wasn't good at visualizing in his mind, but he would never forget his mother's voice. How quietly she spoke.

And he didn't have a good answer for her.

Maybe because he was worried they were going to pull him away from her. Maybe because he was ashamed of her – ashamed of her!? No… Never. He loved her. He couldn't love her and be ashamed of her… Right?

But he had to come clean. It was almost a compulsion to tell the truth, something he could barely hold back. He had done plenty of sneaking out and running around with her, but he was going to be sent away and there was only one more chance to tell them the truth. Knowing that… He had to be the one to tell them about her. And once he started, he just couldn't help but spew it all out, even though he knew it was a bad idea. He would never forget the quiet judgement in their eyes as he told them how he would wait until they were asleep to go out on his big adventures with someone they didn't know and had never heard of. He met her at work. Something he never talked to them about. In fact he barely talked to them ever about anything and that was clear from the moment he opened his fat mouth.

When did he ever have time to talk to them? When did they ever make the time to talk to him? Mom tried sometimes but they were too tired after work. He was too tired after work. As much as he wanted to blame them, the little voice of rationality told him it wasn't their fault. It wasn't his either. It was just the way their lives were. But it was easy to look back and have regrets now that he was here.

"Ah, mes amours!" sang the voice of their escort. Kermit squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. Usually he could always find it in himself to offer a smile. But after what happened, it felt like something had stolen his muscles' ability to pull those lips up. Especially with this man. "Tra la laaaa!~ Kamaria! Kermit! What lovely alliteration, yes!"

"Puke," the girl muttered under her breath, but when Kermit closed his eyes and reached for the trashcan and hugged it, she cleared her throat and gave a cordial, "Sorry."

"It's fine," Kermit said, not sure who was speaking for him but at that point he was just trying to decide if he was going to puke or his stomach was going to calm. Luckily – perhaps unluckily – it was the second, but it wouldn't come to last. He just looked up, eyes half closed, breaths shaking and pushed back into his face by the side of the plastic trash can that he rested his forehead on. An echo chamber of his own failures.

Last time he puked he was holding his own bloody hands. The smell was just so strong, and rotten. The blood was so warm. He was fuckin' shaking. She was still standing over him. He could barely feel the pain at that point. If he didn't see the blood he wouldn't have believed anything had happened to him. He had to run. He ran away from her. He collapsed. He puked. He was fuckin' shaking.

Kermit wretched and squeezed the trash can with his arms as he felt his throat tense up, with nothing to push out except for a line of drool that fell out of his lips, down his chin, and hit the top of the clear plastic bag. So much blood. And he wasn't even going to escape from it.

"Oh great."

He heard the voice. He knew who it belonged to. But he couldn't let up. He hugged the trash can like it was an old friend – tightly, pressing his face in more as he pushed out his stomach with a breath that shook like a dial-up tone and released it slowly. He knew he should care. But he couldn't.

He was a custodian for a hospital. He wasn't usually so squeamish… He didn't think. Not unless it affected him personally like this. But he felt that anyone would feel stressed after being reaped. He just didn't know how Kamaria was handling it, sitting there with a stone face while he was over here about to pass out and trying to stay with it to not make a big scene.

"Hi there." Silex took control first, going in the car. "I'm Silex, this is Sadie. We're here to help."

"Do what we can to get one of you out of that hellscape," Sadie said, crossing her arms as she stared at them for a second. Kermit looked at her over the lip of the trash can and Kamaria narrowed her eyes back at her.

"So," Silex said, not at all phased by the mood of the room. "We should get started right away. There's a lot for you to do and learn. District Five makes a lot of very smart tributes so you'll do great!"

Smart.

Kermit wasn't all that smart. Was he? He didn't really know how he compared to the rest of the District, he was in such a small bubble. And he didn't go to school as much anymore. People always said he was a pretty smart kid but he didn't believe them. Should he? He didn't know. Who was he? It was hard to tell in the scheme of the world, it was so fucking big.

"Smarts don't mean a lot in the Games," said Kamaria right away.

"They're more important than you think," Sadie said back right away. "Alright, as a rule I get the older tribute. So you're with me, Mr. Sixteen."

He should have felt very scared of her – and he was. But also… He couldn't make himself feel anything but that stress that was making his whole body tense, making him shake and quiver like a child. Was this normal? Should he be stronger? He didn't know. He couldn't make himself do anything.

"I can fight," said Kamaria right away. "I can do it. Doesn't matter that I'm young." She looked at Sadie for a moment, almost beggingly.

"Let's go Kamaria," said Silex. "You're gonna do great and I'm gonna help you. Let's not make Kermit move too much right now."

His pity was like a gut punch, and yet all Kermit could do about it was lean over and spit again, convulsing involuntarily as the thought of even seeing was too much for him and he closed his eyes.

When he opened them, Kamaria and Silex were gone – hell so was Flavio – and Sadie was looking at him for a moment with something in her hand.

"Sit up. Sip this slowly."

Kermit obeyed her like a zombie. He didn't know what he was doing or why until the cool water touched the back of his throat and made him open his eyes. It pushed down the mucus and saliva and he took another sip, finally able to look over at the redhead who was still just staring him down.

"So it's the end of the world. But hey, think of it like this, either you'll be alive, or you won't have to deal with it anymore and it'll all be over."

"Oh." He wasn't sure how that made him feel. He wasn't sure about anything anymore.

"Alright, tell me about yourself kid. What's the deal? What's your spark?"

"My… Spark?" he asked slowly, staring at her and barely processing her words, somewhere in the very back of his mind.

"Everyone has something that keeps them fighting. Whether it's someone else, or some sense of spite, everyone has something."

Kermit stared at her for a moment.

"So what's yours?"

It was like he was in a haze. Vague pictures of people's faces raced through his mind, teasing him with the sounds of voices he didn't recognize and couldn't hear. He knew what he had, he had family, he had Alivia, he had… He had… Who… What?

"I don't know." It all felt so far away now. And with it feeling so far away, it was easy to just forget that any of it existed.

"What?" Sadie asked. "That's new."

"There's something," Kermit said, but all he could think about was blood and vomit and death. Disappointment. Judgement. Hurt. Why would he want to get back to all of that?

"Let's get some food into you. That should help."

Would it?

Sadie went to get something bland and Kermit just took another deep breath, trying not to dry heave at even the thought of eating. She came back and set it down next to him, not forcing him to eat it and just waiting for him. "Tell me anything about yourself. You can't lose yourself this early in the game, you'll self-destruct."

Kermit stared at his hands for a moment, trying to think of something, and then sipped some water. He was already stressed, tired, and exhausted. Self-destruct. When he looked at his hands, all he could see were the scars. "I don't know." Was he smart? Was he attractive? Was he funny? He didn't know any of those things. Livi told him he was so handsome but did other people think that? He made people laugh sometimes at work but did that mean he was funny? He didn't even know. There was nobody here to tell him who he was. So what did that make him?

Sadie took a breath in through her nose, looking a little bit pale herself. "Alright. Let's just focus on eating then."

"No," Kermit said, but he knew he had to.

He was fuckin' shaking. Sadie got up again.

"Yes." Suddenly he felt a cold towel on his forehead and he released another breath, closing his eyes again.

"Thank you," he said softly. He didn't know much right now but he felt better with that.

"Nice and easy, kid," Sadie said, reaching out and… Gently rubbing his back. "I know. It's fucked up. You're in shock. I was where you were once. You just gotta try to calm down now so we can get to work."

Kermit looked at her, blinking for a moment. She was so… Explosive on TV. Everyone was so afraid of her. But in that moment, she wasn't actually so scary. She was… Kind. "Right," he breathed out, slowly trying to let go of the trash can and sit up, sipping water. It was a start at least.

"Take it slow," she told him, keeping a hand on his shoulder. "Easy now."

"Yeah," he said feebly, that small cracker still looking absolutely repulsive. "Thanks. I didn't know you were so…"

Sadie put up a hand. "Going through the Games is an experience my brother went through too." She reached in her pocket to rub a piece of blue cloth gently between her fingers. "It made me more like him in some ways."

Kermit tried to smile, but his stomach turned again and he leaned back over the trash can. He just had to try to feel better. Then it would all be okay again… Right?

Then he would at least be able to stand a chance… Right?

Then he would remember the vague pictures of family and lover that danced around in his mind.

Then he would remember who he even was.

….

…

Right?

~.~.

A/N: Hi! I'm back from the dead, I'm officially a Mrs., and I'm building a bit of a pre-Games stockpile (so far up to training but hopefully the stock will keep on growing)!

Pre-Games POV order will be put up on the blog when I post this, if I remember. (But are subject to minor changes.)

Next Chap – Reaping recaps with Cupey and the introduction to Pepper F!