Chapter 44: The Goa'uld's Last Stand

Location: Space above Earth
Time: Just before the final battle

James stood on the bridge of Earth's flagship, the Hyperion, still trying to wrap his head around how he, a regular guy, was now commanding an armada of ships built with cutting-edge tech that seemed ripped straight from the mind of a sci-fi fan. His official title? "Military Consultant." But in truth, he was the de facto leader of Earth's new super-fleet, designed using a combination of reverse-engineered alien tech and his own gaming-inspired, overpowered ideas.

Behind him, Major Samantha Carter—always the brains of the operation—was doing her usual thing, checking systems, tapping holographic controls, and probably running complex calculations in her head faster than the computer. "All plasma beam weapons online. Energy-to-matter converters functioning at optimal capacity," she said with the slightest glimmer of excitement.

"Good, good," James muttered, eyes focused on the tactical display of the incoming Goa'uld fleet. "So... just to clarify, our job here is to completely and utterly wipe them out, right? No mercy?"

Colonel Jack O'Neill leaned back in the command chair with a smirk, a bag of popcorn in his lap. "That's the idea, yeah. We hit 'em hard, hit 'em fast, and then we head home in time for lunch. Hopefully, before they give us the usual 'I am a god' speech."

Teal'c, standing solid as always at the tactical console, gave his typical calm nod. "The Goa'uld will attempt to overwhelm us with numbers. It will not be enough."

James grinned. "Man, I love this job. You know, if someone had told me I'd be commanding an entire fleet of ships with plasma weapons, I would've laughed them out of the room."

"And yet, here you are," Jack said, popping another piece of popcorn into his mouth. "Life's funny like that."

Location: Space, Earth's atmosphere
Time: As the enemy fleet arrives

The Goa'uld fleet appeared in a flash of light—dozens of Ha'tak motherships and an accompanying swarm of Al'kesh bombers. Their shields shimmered like golden armor as they took up a menacing formation, ready to strike at the heart of Earth.

On the flagship, Supreme System Lord Ba'al stood with his arms crossed, wearing his usual sneer. He watched the planet below with a mix of disdain and anticipation. His fleet had taken many losses recently, but he was a Goa'uld. Defeat was not an option.

"Transmit my ultimatum," Ba'al ordered, reclining on his throne. "Let the Tau'ri know that they will bow before me, or they will be wiped from existence."

His second-in-command, Terak, a battle-hardened Jaffa, bowed respectfully. "As you command, my lord."

Location: Bridge of the Hyperion
Time: Seconds after Ba'al's transmission

Ba'al's holographic image materialized on the bridge of the Hyperion, his expression full of godly arrogance. He drew himself up, his eyes flashing as he prepared to deliver his speech.

"Tremble before me, Tau'ri!" he began, his voice dripping with self-importance. "I am Ba'al, Supreme System Lord, ruler of the stars—"

Colonel O'Neill cut him off with a casual wave. "Yeah, yeah, we've heard this one before. Can we just skip to the part where you try to kill us and we blow up your ships?"

Ba'al blinked, momentarily thrown off by the casual tone. "You dare interrupt a god? You—"

"Sorry, was I being rude?" Jack said, not bothering to hide the smirk on his face. "I thought we were going for efficiency here."

James stepped up beside him, leaning on the console. "Yeah, no offense, Ba'al, but we're kind of on a tight schedule. Lots of Goa'uld to blow up, you know how it is."

Ba'al's eyes narrowed. "You insolent—"

"Fire the plasma beams!" James called out with enthusiasm, cutting Ba'al off mid-threat.

Before Ba'al could finish his tirade, the Hyperion and the other Earth ships let loose a barrage of plasma beams, each one striking their targets with pinpoint accuracy. The resulting explosions lit up the dark expanse of space like fireworks.

Location: Space, in the midst of battle
Time: Seconds after Earth's fleet engages

The plasma beams tore through the Goa'uld motherships like they were made of paper. One moment they were there, massive and imposing; the next, they were debris scattered across the void.

"Well," Jack said, munching on another handful of popcorn, "that was easy."

James turned, giving him a look. "Easy? Dude, we just vaporized half their fleet in less time than it takes to microwave popcorn. I'd say that's pretty impressive."

"Yeah," Jack said with a shrug, "but I was kinda hoping for more of a challenge. You know, maybe some of that dramatic music they always use in movies."

Teal'c inclined his head slightly. "The Goa'uld were unprepared for the advanced technology we now possess."

James grinned. "No kidding. I mean, we've got plasma beams and energy-to-matter converters that can literally turn enemy ships into whatever we want. It's like playing Galactic Overkill Simulator on God Mode."

"Speaking of," Carter chimed in, still focused on her readouts, "we haven't even tested the energy-to-matter converters at full scale. Shall we?"

Location: Ba'al's flagship
Time: Mid-battle, as the Goa'uld fleet collapses

Ba'al's mouth hung open as he watched ship after ship disappear from his tactical displays. His once invincible fleet—his ultimate symbol of power—was being decimated in mere seconds.

"My lord," Terak said, his voice tight with barely concealed panic, "our forces are being annihilated! We must retreat!"

Ba'al clenched his fists. "No! I am a god! I will not be defeated by these insolent Tau'ri!"

The viewscreen flickered as yet another Ha'tak exploded, the plasma beams slicing through their shields like they weren't even there.

"I really hate this planet," Ba'al muttered.

Location: Hyperion Bridge
Time: Mid-battle, with Earth's fleet dominating

Carter tapped a few keys, a mischievous smile creeping onto her face. "Ready to activate the energy-to-matter converters."

"Fantastic," James said, rubbing his hands together. "I've been waiting for this. Let's turn the rest of Ba'al's fleet into something fun. How about... a giant cheese platter?"

Jack looked up, clearly unimpressed. "Cheese?"

"Yeah, why not? The converters can turn energy into anything. Plus, I'm pretty sure Ba'al's never been defeated by Gouda."

Carter gave a small chuckle as she tapped a few more buttons. "Energy-to-matter conversion engaged."

Beams of pure energy shot from the Hyperion, enveloping the remaining Goa'uld ships. In the blink of an eye, the once-mighty Ha'taks were transformed into enormous, rotating wheels of cheese.

"Cheddar," Carter confirmed, trying to suppress her laughter. "Aged beautifully."

"Sheogorath would be so proud." James said, dramatically wiping a tear from his eye.

Raising his eyebrow, Jack asked "Who?"

"What?" Was the reply with a small smirk.

Jack blinked. "I... don't even know what to say to that."

James grinned. "You're welcome."

Location: Ba'al's flagship, post-cheddar conversion
Time: After most of the Goa'uld fleet has been wiped out

Ba'al stared in disbelief at the remaining ships, which had all turned into massive wheels of cheese. He rubbed his eyes, certain he was hallucinating.

"My lord, we must retreat!" Terak urged, his voice bordering on desperation.

Ba'al collapsed back into his throne with a groan. "Retreat? No! I... I..." He groaned again, rubbing his temples. "Fine. Retreat."

As Ba'al's battered flagship turned to flee, a final plasma beam from Earth's fleet struck the aft section, shaking the ship violently.

"I need a new job," Ba'al muttered, clutching the arm of his throne for dear life.

Location: Hyperion Bridge
Time: The conclusion of the battle

"Looks like Ba'al's running away with his tail between his legs," James remarked, watching as the last remaining Goa'uld ship tried to make a hasty exit.

"Should we let him go?" Carter asked, raising an eyebrow.

Jack waved a hand dismissively. "Nah, let's reel him back in. Fire the grappler beams."

"The what now?" James asked, confused.

"Grappler beams," Jack repeated. "You know, tractor beams. I had the engineers add them because... well, why not?"

James smirked. "Grappler beams. Nice touch."

Moments later, beams of energy shot out from the Hyperion, latching onto Ba'al's retreating flagship and dragging it back toward Earth's fleet.

Ba'al, now thoroughly humiliated, groaned audibly as his ship was reeled in like a prize catch.

Location: Space, the aftermath of the battle

With the Goa'uld fleet either destroyed or embarrassingly turned into cheese, the skies above Earth were clear once more. The battle had been won in record time, thanks to James and the absurdly powerful technology Earth now possessed.

"Well, that was fun," Jack said, stretching as he stood up. "What's next on the agenda?"

James gave him a sideways look. "Fun? Dude, we just obliterated an entire Goa'uld fleet with plasma beams and turned the rest into cheese. If that's your idea of fun, I'd hate to see what you do for a hobby."

Jack grinned. "You'd be surprised."

Teal'c stepped forward, his expression as stoic as ever. "The Goa'uld have been thoroughly defeated. The galaxy will now be at peace."

"For now," Carter added, closing down the remaining tactical screens. "But who knows what the next threat will be?"

James gave a nonchalant shrug. "Whatever it is, we'll handle it. Just like we did today—high-tech lasers and all."

Jack clapped James on the shoulder. "You did good, kid. Next time, though, let's skip the cheese."

James laughed. "No promises."

Location: Hyperion Bridge
Time: Following the defeat of Ba'al's fleet

The bridge was unusually quiet in the aftermath of the battle. The remnants of Ba'al's fleet floated as debris, with a few notable chunks of pyramid-shaped ships now resembling cosmic Swiss cheese, courtesy of Earth's over-the-top plasma beams and energy-to-matter converters.

James, leaning on the command console, smirked. "That was... kinda anticlimactic."

"Ya think?" Colonel O'Neill stood nearby, hands casually resting on his P90—though entirely unnecessary for a ship battle—and a bag of popcorn tucked under his arm. "I was expecting at least one Goa'uld ship to fire back. Instead, it's like we walked into an intergalactic game of target practice."

Major Carter chimed in from the tactical console, reviewing the final battle stats. "Well, we did design the Hyperion with overwhelming firepower in mind. These plasma beams are more advanced than anything they could have anticipated."

"You're saying we over-prepared," Jack replied, a grin creeping across his face. "You know, I'm okay with that."

James stretched his arms behind his head. "I dunno. Maybe next time we can dial it back a bit. At least give them a sporting chance?"

"Or," Jack added with his signature dry tone, "we could just keep turning their ships into cheese. Always fun."

Teal'c, standing resolute near the viewport, gazed out at the wreckage. "The Goa'uld have underestimated us. Their defeat was inevitable."

"Yeah, well," James shrugged, "you'd think after all this time, they'd have learned that Earth is basically the underdog that always wins. Rule of thumb, really."

Carter's fingers tapped away at the controls, her attention back to business. "We're not done yet. We've identified three key Goa'uld strongholds remaining, scattered across the galaxy. If we strike them now, we can end their leadership for good."

Jack turned to the main viewscreen, where a tactical map of the galaxy showed the positions of the last few Goa'uld strongholds. "Sounds like a plan. Let's hit them fast and hard before they regroup."

"Ready to make some more cheese wheels?" James asked with a grin, leaning toward the tactical display.

Jack sighed. "I'm starting to miss the days when we didn't have to worry about you turning everything into lunch."

Location: Space, above the Goa'uld stronghold on P3X-998
Time: Just before the orbital strike

P3X-998, a barren desert planet with nothing to offer but endless dunes and a decaying Goa'uld stronghold, now found itself in the crosshairs of Earth's fleet. The Hyperion hovered menacingly in low orbit, its weapons systems charging for another round of overkill.

Carter's voice was cool and composed as she delivered the briefing. "The stronghold is shielded, but nothing we can't handle. We'll use the energy-to-matter converters to neutralize the shield and then hit the base with plasma beams."

"What's the plan this time, James?" Jack asked, raising an eyebrow. "Are we turning the shield into cake? Maybe a chocolate fountain?"

James grinned. "Tempting, but I was thinking more along the lines of... Jello. Lime Jello."

Jack shook his head. "You and your Jello obsession."

"Hey, it's functional," James shot back, shrugging. "Besides, it's harder to clean up than you think."

"Let's just get it done," Carter said, stifling a laugh. "We've got more strongholds to deal with after this."

Location: Hyperion Bridge
Time: As the orbital assault begins

On the viewscreen, the Goa'uld stronghold's shimmering energy shield flared, standing between the fortress and Earth's fleet. The shield pulsed with power, designed to withstand attacks from any known technology—except, of course, for what James and the Tau'ri had brought to the party.

"Converters ready?" James asked, rubbing his hands together as he prepared for the inevitable.

"Locked and loaded," Carter confirmed, her eyes on the console.

"Let's make it lime," James said, grinning.

Carter activated the energy-to-matter converters, and a beam of radiant energy shot out from the Hyperion, enveloping the Goa'uld shield. In seconds, the once-impenetrable barrier dissolved into a mass of translucent green Jello.

"Okay, now I'm hungry," Jack deadpanned, watching the now-wobbly shield.

"Fire the plasma beams," James said, his grin growing wider. "Let's show them how dessert is done."

The Hyperion's plasma beams powered up, glowing ominously before launching toward the now-exposed stronghold. The beams struck the fortress with pinpoint accuracy, vaporizing its defenses and reducing key parts of the base to molten slag.

Carter watched the data streams on her console. "Direct hit. The stronghold is neutralized."

"Well, that's one less Goa'uld we have to worry about," Jack said, leaning back in his chair. "And one more serving of Jello for the galactic buffet."

Teal'c, ever stoic, offered his usual approval. "The Goa'uld have lost another critical foothold. Their forces continue to weaken."

"Good," James said, adjusting his HUD. "Because I'm not done yet. Who's up for round two?"

Location: Space, approaching the Goa'uld stronghold on Tothar
Time: During the second orbital strike

Planet Tothar was lush, vibrant, and undeniably beautiful—a sharp contrast to P3X-998's desert wasteland. But the Goa'uld stronghold hiding beneath its thick jungle canopy was no less dangerous. Earth's fleet hovered above the planet's atmosphere, preparing for the next assault.

Carter briefed the team from her station. "Tothar is an ancient Goa'uld stronghold, built into the jungle. Their shield system is older, but still powerful. We'll need to use the converters again to disable it."

Jack tapped his fingers on the armrest. "Please don't say Jello again."

"I was thinking... marshmallows," James said with a smirk. "Something light and fluffy."

Jack sighed. "Marshmallows. Great. I can't wait to explain this in the mission report."

"Marshmallows it is," Carter confirmed, preparing the system for conversion.

"Firing converters," James said with enthusiasm, watching as beams of light enveloped the Goa'uld stronghold's shield.

The shield flickered, then transformed into a massive, puffy layer of white marshmallow that stretched across the landscape like a confectionary dream. Below it, the Goa'uld stronghold stood vulnerable, its defenses useless against what was coming next.

"Alright," James said, turning to Jack, "we've got marshmallows. Ready to toast them?"

"Let's just finish this," Jack replied, motioning to Carter.

Carter fired the plasma beams, and the glowing energy sliced through the marshmallow barrier, incinerating the Goa'uld stronghold in seconds. The jungle below ignited as the beams tore through the base, leaving nothing but smoke and debris in their wake.

"Well, that's two down," Jack said, standing up. "One more stronghold to go."

Location: Space, above the final Goa'uld stronghold on P4X-453
Time: Final phase of the assault

P4X-453 was the last major Goa'uld stronghold left in the galaxy. This base, nestled in the heart of a volcanic planet, was a fortress that had stood for centuries. But like all the others, it was about to meet the full force of Earth's fleet.

"Final stronghold," Carter said, her fingers gliding across the holographic console. "Their shield is the most advanced we've seen yet. We may need to hit it with everything we've got."

"Or," James said, tapping his chin thoughtfully, "we could turn it into a giant pancake. We haven't done that yet."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Pancakes? Really?"

James shrugged. "Hey, we've done cheese, Jello, and marshmallows. Pancakes seem like a natural progression."

Teal'c spoke up, his deep voice commanding the room's attention. "The Goa'uld have no understanding of humor, but they will understand their defeat."

"Well said, Teal'c," Jack replied. "Let's serve them breakfast."

Carter initiated the converters, and a radiant beam shot toward the planet's surface, wrapping around the shield in a golden hue. Within moments, the shield transformed into a sprawling, perfectly formed pancake.

Jack stared at the screen, then at James. "Pancakes?"

"Pancakes," James confirmed.

"I quit," Jack said, shaking his head in mock resignation.

"Fire the plasma beams," James added, watching with satisfaction as the Hyperion's weapons vaporized the stronghold beneath the pancake layer.

Location: Hyperion Bridge
Time: Following the destruction of the final stronghold

With the last Goa'uld stronghold reduced to nothing more than smoke and rubble, the galaxy was finally free from their dominion. The Tau'ri had emerged victorious, their advanced technology securing their place as the dominant force in the Milky Way.

"That's it," Jack said, standing tall on the bridge. "The Goa'uld are officially toast."

"Pancakes, actually," James corrected, his grin widening. "But close enough."

Carter smiled, her eyes scanning the tactical readouts. "The galaxy is safe, at least for now. The Goa'uld have been defeated."

Teal'c offered a respectful nod. "The Goa'uld's reign of terror is over. Their time has passed."

Jack clapped James on the shoulder. "Well, kid, looks like your crazy plans worked. Again."

"Yeah," James said, looking out at the stars. "It's been a wild ride. But hey, at least we did it with style."

"Cheese, Jello, marshmallows, and pancakes," Jack mused, shaking his head. "Yep, definitely your kind of style."

As the Hyperion and Earth's fleet began their return to Earth, James couldn't help but feel a sense of pride. The Goa'uld were gone, the galaxy was safe, and they'd done it all with a healthy dose of humor and creativity.

"Next stop," Jack said with a satisfied grin, "pizza night at the SGC."

James chuckled. "I'll bring the cheese."

A/N: The AI Overlords really jumped on the Parody bandwagon this chapter. But it is funny so I will leave it. Though the Sheogorath idea was mine.