Chapter 12: Desperate Love

He felt like a pervert peeking through a window.

The walls of Neptune's museum were white at first, a sleek, shiny marble illuminated by the brilliant crystal chandeliers littering the ceiling. But as Jaune followed the touring party through the deep halls, lined with vases, busts, and intricate statues, it grew darker. Passing that proverbial threshold of no return, he soon found out why. The walls became film reels.

And they revealed things that weren't his right to see.

"From his youth, the great Neptune has been brilliant and talented." said the tour guide. Jaune had no idea how he was talking, considering he didn't have a face. Actually, none of the patrons or staff had faces, and it felt very much like he was walking amongst a crowd of mannequins. The Guide gestured to a section of the wall. "Observe here, at the tender age of eight, he was already showing an inclination for the water."

A child Neptune was swimming in the deep end of a pool, and doing a good job of it. Weird, seeing him at that age. At most, your friends saw your childhood pictures or videos, there was some measure of distance there. But the fact that he saw them in his heart made it all feel that much more invasive. Child Neptune put on the biggest smile as he was pulled out of the pool by a lifeguard, hair slick to his face as his father came rushing over.

"The young master is so unafraid. Impeccable." Someone said.

"What else would we expect of him?" said another.

The memories only got more elaborate. Neptune getting a dog, playing with his father, going to school for the first time, his dog dying, the transition to middle school. It all went by so fast, hundreds of images all over the walls, ceiling, and floor, telling each and every story again and again. All while the faceless patrons gushed, cheered, and revelled in the experience. It was uncomfortable to watch, but Jaune couldn't look away. It reminded him a lot of himself.

"And that's the end of our first exhibit." said the guide, now standing before a pair of double doors. "Everyone, please enjoy a short break. Drinks will be served in the ballroom ahead—please follow me."

Because ballrooms definitely exist in museums. As they pushed through the doors, the world wasn't much brighter, bathed in a reddish-violet hue whose origin he was unsure of. Servers weaved through a web of tables and chairs, almost mechanically, doll-like, as if they served no other purpose. The group began to break off, and Jaune hurried to find a table the furthest from the light to stay out of sight.

He found one spot that suited him, felt a lot like his lunch table in school. He could oversee everything. Most potently the stage at the end of the room, dark curtains drawn closed to conceal everything behind it. Before long, the ballroom was alive with a swell of galavanting doll-people. A din of unintelligible mess that Jaune, even listening as best he could, wasn't enough to make anything out.

He hoped Mystery was having better luck.

Strange thing, having a drink in a world that seemed like it shouldn't be real. It was easy to forget that it was. That everything you experienced here was just as real as the real world. And that opened up an entire rabbit hole of questions.

"You're awfully patient." Cinder slid right into a chair, precisely as if she'd always been there, chin resting atop her interlocked fingers.

"Am I not supposed to be?"

"Most are in the first foray into heart hunting. But overeagerness is the death of victory, its refreshing to see a novice with an adept mind."

He wasn't sure if that applied to him, but whatever floated her boat.

"So what work do you do?"

Cinder leaned back in her seat, gently taking a glass offered to her. "I help people, same as you."

"What's the organization you mentioned?"

Cinder put a finger to her mouth. "That's as far as this topic should go. All you need to know is that if you don't know about it, you don't need to. Likely, you're better off."

Jaune chose to take that as it was. "So why here in Neptune? You don't know him, I'm guessing. What are you trying to find here?"

"Someone he has done harm to. I'm here to either confirm or detract from what I already know."

Harm? Neptune? "He wouldn't hurt anyone."

She grinned. "We all hurt someone. That is human nature. Purposeful or accidental, it doesn't matter. We, all of us, step on others and get stepped on ourselves."

Jaune had some serious questions about his mental state that hearing 'stepped on' had somehow made him think of something sexual. He shook it off by running a hand through his hair. "So what now?"

"I suppose we wait and enjoy the show."

And that's what they did for a while, music playing, and patrons galavanting about and talking.

That's when Neptune showed up. Or rather, the Neptune Alter. It definitely wasn't the normal type of clothes. A red jacket with a black collar, gray pants and goggles on his forehead. He stood before everyone as they applauded him. "Welcome everyone. Its good to see all your smiling faces!"

Jaune had to guess his perception of the faceless wasn't the same as him.

"I decided to come tonight to entertain you all, as thanks for your endless support." He spread his arms out wide. "Indulge yourselves in me and my greatness. Bathe yourself in my power, my status, and hope that one day you will earn a sliver of the perfection my world represents!'

"He's certainly humble." Cinder chuckled. "I take it that isn't his normal behavior."

"He's… kind of the exact opposite." Jaune never thought he'd be saying that about someone else.

"In truth, humility is just another form of arrogance. Linked by a specific belief. Much like how love and hatred are simply passion aimed in different directions."

"And now, let the show begin!" Neptune summoned a trident and began putting on a show, water materializing out of nowhere and spinning around him. People clapped and awed as they watched and even Jaune found himself interested. Then he began spearing lightning, which danced through the water like a thousand thrashing snakes.

Jaune frowned. The hell? Why could Neptune use water and lightning but all he could do was reflect stuff? So goddamn unfair.

"I wouldn't attack him yet." Cinder said.

"Why?" Jaune asked.

"We don't know what that may cause surrounded by these people. A heart world may be real but it does not operate consistently, so anything could happen. You're best seizing a chance when the Alter is alone. Don't be in such a rush. We have all night, Jaune."

He sighed and rubbed his forehead, watched as Neptune continued to put on that show. He didn't look particularly happy, even if he was putting on a big smile. Soon enough the show ended and he bowed at everyone. "Enjoy the rest of the exhibit" Then he and his armored guards left through the double doors leading further into the museum.

"What is this?"

He felt stupid for even asking it. The next exhibit was covered in red lights, drowned in it almost, and all around him there were pedestals with pristine statues on them. Statues that moved.

Statues of girls.

There was no room for guesswork, no other interpretation. The way they moved was provocative, wearing little if any clothes, Jaune could only thank whatever god existed that the statues had no genitals.

"This… isn't what I expected."

"No? Knight, you seem smarter than that. I've heard Neptune is rather known for his promiscuity." Cinder said.

"He's…" Well she was right. Only this didn't just seem provocative, this seemed flaunty. Almost disrespectful. Granted, it was the heart and mind of a young man, this wasn't exactly out of place. But it did make Jaune touch his chest and wonder how the more carnal parts of himself had manifested.

They kept going until Jaune came across a statue he recognized. "Why's she…?"

"Ah, Cara is here." Cinder said.

Cara? This was the girl he recognized from the swim team. "You know her?"

"Apparently so do you. I assume she attends your school then?"

"Yeah."

Cinder nodded up at the girl, who was, rather uncomfortably, shaking her rear at the applauding faceless crowd. "She is my mark. I've been investigating her for months now."

"Why? What happened?"

Cinder looked up at him. For a moment she was quiet. "Let us just say she is the survivor of a terrible trauma."

"What does that have to do with Neptune?"

She paused a moment, and Jaune immediately got the hint. "Whatever it was, Neptune isn't that kind of guy."

"In my experience, none of us truly know what the people in our lives truly are like. To you they may seem kind, but to another they could be a monster."

Jaune frowned. "I'm not saying he's a saint. I know he's broken hearts before, but that's the worst of it."

She held his look for a while, then sighed. "Relax, I know he's not the assaulter. But he was the catalyst for Cara's spiral. I don't think that absolves him."

"I'll make him apologize to her for the things he did do."

She blinked at him. "How?"

"I don't know, I just will. He's a good guy. He doesn't mean to hurt anyone."

"You're awfully defensive of him."

Jaune sighed and looked up at Cara, immediately feeling pity for her. It all put it into perspective for him. "I just don't get why his heart is manifesting this way."

"Well, I told you about my client. Can I get some details on yours?"

Jaune didn't tell her everything, just a lot of cliffnotes.

"Well, hmm…" Cinder thought for a moment. "It can be tough to pin down. He's been kept from his mother for three years. Just before his high school tenure. I'm assuming this is before he had a reputation, hm?"

"I wouldn't know."

"Then make an educated guess. What were you thinking the most about in middle school?"

"I…" Jaune swallowed. "Well not girls if that's what you're asking."

"Then let's assume the same of Neptune. The absence of his mother, the bitterness of his father, a new school, blooming hormones, and few people to turn to. He's naturally handsome and girls his age flock to him. He seeks solace. Escape. Indulgence."

"Wouldn't any guy?"

"I'm a woman, I wouldn't know." She gave him a knowing look.

He was a guy and he didn't know either. Jaune sighed. "Okay, so he buries himself in sex. So?"

"Jaune, what purpose do you think your parents serve in relation to your selection of romantic partners?"

Jaune thought about that. "Uh, nothing?"

She grinned. "Well, I suppose that's a fair answer. But the truth is that fathers teach boys to become men, ideally. What then does the father teach his daughter? The valuable traits to look for in romantic partners. Of course, this varies depending on sexual preference, but that's the general concept. A good parents is a subconscious building block for growing children to know what kind of relationships are valuable in a lifelong partner."

That made sense, Jaune had to admit. Even if it did sound strangely incestual. He wasn't sure he liked that. "But I doubt Neptune is with these girls because he misses his mom. That just seems far-fetched."

"It's possible, though in this case there is room to be a skeptic. But consider this. Neptune has broken many hearts for his promiscuous behavior, correct? I think its safe to assume his mother had done similar, and that is the reason she is gone."

Jaune blinked. He'd never told her that.

"I'll take that silence as a yes. But fascinating isn't it? It's likely not intentional on Neptune's part, but it is interesting that he has mimicked similar behaviors that took his mother from his life. The sex is an escape, for certain, but also serves as a form of desperate connection."

Jaune looked up at Cara again. "And Cara?"

Cinder crossed her arms. "Someone took away something from her. Traumatized her. It is something she cannot forget and could very well ruin her trust in romantic and sexual pursuit. This is not Neptune's fault. But it certainly doesn't help that he used her like a towel and threw her away."

Jaune lowered his head. She was right. "Neptune did find someone to connect with. I think he had girlfriends before, but this one was someone he did connect with." But it suddenly made sense when Weiss said Neptune initially viewed her as just another girl to be conquered initially. Even if with context it was deeper than that.

"For good reasons?"

"I think so."

Cinder shrugged. "Well, then why is his heart still in turmoil?"

"They… didn't work out."

"Then perhaps it is not a romantic relationship that Neptune most needs. But rather a reconnecting with his mother. The genesis of his problems. Wouldn't you agree?"

Jaune nodded slowly.

Cinder grinned. "In any case, I'm glad to see Neptune is not quite as single-minded as I expected a young man his age to be. I rather sympathize with him. My mother and I didn't have a particularly ideal relationship. What about you, Jaune. Tell me about your mother."

Jaune flinched. "My mom…"

"And we shall continue the tour," Called the guide. "Come, come! There is so much more to see!"

Cinder shrugged one shoulder. "Perhaps we can swap parentage another time."

"Right… yeah." Jaune followed after her, but lagged behind. He saw Cinder's behind but didn't feel the same things he felt before. Now he only saw Cara's statue, prancing and dancing, and felt disgusting.

"Oh, how fitting."

They'd wandered into a house, and by now Jaune had stopped questioning the plausibility of it. The home itself was gigantic, with tall walls stretching into forever and winding, spiraling staircases littered everywhere. The very top seemed to have its very own sun, peering down on the world like a giant eye.

But what Jaune paid the most attention to was its denizens. Children everywhere. Four, five, ten, twenty, more, all darting and screeching, screaming and laughing throughout this titan of a house that it almost felt like the world's biggest orphanage. It reminded him of home. If the sounds of his sisters running around or arguing or just being a family. Dad was often off on the side watching, smiling, intervening when there were fights. Mom would be...

Neptune's mother, at least that was his assumption, was there as well.

She was playing with her children, a faceless mannequin of a husband there with her. All the while, a phone rang violently from nearby, almost screaming like it had been too long since it had been answered. And he didn't like what that implied.

"This is hardly a good time to lose confidence, Knight."

"Yeah…" Jaune said, still looking at that phone, sitting lonely on a table that none of the hundreds of children or Neptune's mother so much as went near. Almost like they couldn't hear it. "What if Neptune's mother hasn't called him? Would that have an effect on him?"

"There's nothing quite as emotionally damaging as neglect. Particularly, to a child." Cinder stared down at the phone, buzzing in grating perpetuity. She began to rub at her arms, or rather, dragging her nails across the exposed flesh like she was considering puncturing through. "Perhaps it sounds strange to you. But neglect is a form of abuse. One of the most damaging kinds, in fact."

Jaune wouldn't have thought about it that way until now, but it did make sense the more he considered it. His stomach churned, like he might throw up, and he had to close his eyes to steady himself. "That's… awful."

They'd fallen behind the group now, though it hardly seemed like it mattered. Jaune could only stare around at the house—clean, elaborate, beautiful. Crystal chandeliers, fancy couches and decor, a high-class kitchen, by all means it was a house worthy of being called a dream. A better house than Neptune's.

He had to wonder what that meant. Especially as his faceless mother ran around with children in her arms, laughing and playing like she had the best life in the world. A best life that did not include Neptune.

It hurt. He didn't know why it hurt himself of all people, but it did.

"Something wrong?" Cinder's hand brushed his arm, he quickly snatched away and began to head after the tour guide.

"No, lets keep going."

It almost felt like giving up. Mostly because he was.

Neptune leaned back in his seat, thought about his mom and how much he missed her. All he wanted was to see her. To ask her questions. To hear her say that she loves him still. That she wasn't ignoring him, that maybe his father was keeping her from talking to him. But he doubted that was it.

If she really wanted to, she could come to the school when he was in class and see him. Or just show up to the house anyway and demand to see him. It felt immature to think that way—he wasn't even completely sure on what the agreements were in the custody battle. But surely it couldn't be harsh enough to keep him from seeing her ever again, right? So why wouldn't she come see him?

Well, it was obvious wasn't it?

Maybe she never really cared about him. Which was fine. She didn't have an obligation too, maybe.

His chest still felt hot, and he wondered if it was heartburn or something. Water didn't help no matter how much he drank, and so he'd resorted to beating on his chest whenever the pain felt like it was too much. With a cough, almost a haggard wheeze, he leaned into one of Sun's beanbag chairs and stretched out his legs.

He didn't want to go home.

Maybe he could just run now. What was stopping him? Sun? Neptune looked at him, asleep on the floor, snoring into a pillow. He'd miss him enough that it physically hurt to think about. But maybe Sun would get over it. He had Yang and Ruby and Blake and everyone else. Neptune wasn't that special. His own mother didn't even love him enough to talk to him.

He stared at the ceiling, contemplating what was the right choice. What was the smart choice. But you know? Maybe he was done making the right and smart choice. They never seemed to get him anywhere.

Where was the choice that stopped the pain? Even running away wouldn't keep him from being sad and hurt. Was there a choice that could stop him from feeling altogether? To stop existing? Was there an escape from any of this?

Yes. Yes, there was.

It'd stop the pain. That's all he wanted. He had no dreams anymore, no aspirations, no girl to love, no friends he didn't feel he was disappointing, no mother and no father. It'd stop the pain. How beautiful that sounded.

Neptune put both hands to his throat. Swallowed. Felt that lump in his throat move. So tender and sensitive. All you had to do was tighten your grip as hard as you could. Don't even think about it. Just do it.

His fingers trembled the harder he squeezed, a subconscious inside. It hurt. Bad enough that his eyes welled up. Harder. Tighter. Don't think. Now his arms were shaking, now his everything was shaking. He'd started to beg, though he had no clue who to. "Please… please just go."

He ran out of strength and let go. Too scared to die, too scared to go through with doing it himself. Living then.

But what even was there to live for?

So its been a thousand years since I updated, but here it is. This was one of those chapters I was struggling with just because its a lot of build-up and talking about some psychological concepts, which I really like, but psychology really is a loose science and what may be true for one person may not be true for the next. The spectrum is wide. So don't take all the information I put here as objective fact, there are certainly counterpoints to it all.

Anyway, I hope y'all enjoyed this one and see you in the next one.

ISA