He had hoped it wouldn't be the case this time, but the heavy sensation in his chest had returned yet again, just like it had never left. It was not a disease nor a curse, just a petty reminder from his psyche that it does not like to be ignored. Shin was reluctant to give this feeling a name, as it would be the same as acknowledging its existence. If he had to put it into words, Emptiness could be a fitting description. During the missions, it faded away like it was soothed for a bit, but as soon as he came back home, it attacked relentlessly.
What now?
The Emptiness hit harder when he was left alone. Shin hated the days off. Everyone had something to do, goals, passions, or even silly little errands. He however had none of that. Sure, when Frederica asked him to play with her he was happy to oblige. Helping Theo find a few rare parts, shopping with Anju, and hitting the gym with Raiden were all right, but he was always just tagging along. There was no specific place Shin wanted to visit, no hobby to get better at, or no goal to go forward. Kurena was the only one struggling with similar thoughts, but she at least dared to try new things. She sucked at most of them, but thanks to Anju pushing her relentlessly, the girl was forced to broaden her horizons.
Is this how it's going to be for the next few decades?
People tried to engage him in different clubs even in his military academy days, but Shin's cold demeanor quickly cooled off others' enthusiasm. He didn't see the point in trying, as every time he gave it a shot it ended in disappointment. Shinei could lie to other people, but not to himself. The Emptiness would expose his lies too quickly, punishing him with bitter despair over the future.
Why am I even alive?
When his friends asked, he did his best to reassure them that he was okay. It was an innocent half-truth, during the missions, Shin really felt all right. The operation's objectives became his purpose for a blissful few days, even weeks if he was lucky. Breathing got easier, the noise of his thoughts got quieter, and the void seemed partially filled. The boy liked that state. Sometimes, he liked it too much. What if he just… stayed there? Maybe that was the answer. His true purpose. The Emptiness stayed silent in response.
"Oh, Shin, you're already here? Man, how did you get here so fast? Weren't you supposed to give some report to the headquarters?" Raiden's sharp voice snapped him back to reality. Hours must have passed since he got here, as the sun was already setting down. Funny how time passes when you are alone with your thoughts. Shin could have sworn it was only a few minutes, which at the same time felt like an eternity.
"Cyclops offered to give a summary report for all Squadrons, they will call us for a follow-up in the next few days." Shin replied nonchalantly, not wanting to raise any suspicions. It was not that he did not trust his best friend, but this subject could bring down the mood in an instant. The red-eyed man didn't want to bother his loved ones with such a grim dilemma. He was doing okay after all. He had to.
"She doesn't look like a fan of the paperwork, but Lena must have trained her well. Remember when she forced you to redo all the reports? Imagine the hell Shiden had to go through during the two years!" The tall guy started laughing, blissfully unaware of the thoughts plaguing Shin's mind. To be more precise, he knew of their overall existence. Shin wasn't as proficient a liar as he considered himself to be. Raiden was however only human, so he had no idea one of those incidents was currently taking place.
"Yeah, I'm probably in for a ride. Colonel Grethe always complained about my messy handwriting, so she gave up some time ago. Why do it anyway, they have all the data and transcripts. Useless waste of paper." Shin rolled his eyes and put his hand on Raiden's arm in passing. He was grateful for his genuine concern. Raiden was offering countless opportunities to open up, but today wasn't the day. It always wasn't. Because it wouldn't change anything anyway.
The boy went inside his room, sliding the lock behind. From time to time Frederica liked to sneak in, but he wasn't in the mood for a company. Everyone went to the pub, to treat themselves with the celebratory drink, and Ernst was busy handling the aftermath of their mission. Only now Shin had realized, that he didn't ask Raiden why he came home so early. Deep down, he already knew the answer.
Silence was suffocating. The wailing of the Legion was far away, street noise was blocked by closed windows, and Raiden seemed to have already left the house. Quiet. Too quiet. Those moments were hardest to bear. He tried to close his eyes and relax, but sleep wasn't coming. Not that it was much of help anyway. Shin waited, but to no avail. Maybe his brother wasn't so keen on visiting him tonight.
A small wish appeared in his mind. There was a sound so pure and pleasant, that it could make all his worries melt away. A sliver-bell-like voice, filled with warmth and affection, suppressing the Emptiness better than any drug. Shin battled this urge, as Lena was probably exhausted after the journey. He didn't want this selfish desire to further deprive her of much-needed sleep. But what if she was still awake? Even a short one would suffice. Man stared at the ceiling, unsure of what to do. Eventually, his calloused hand reached for his ear, gently tapping on the Para-RAID.
"Are you busy?" Shin asked quietly, almost whispering. Captain hoped it didn't sound too desperate, but as soon as her soft voice replied, it no longer mattered.
"No, the meeting just ended. Is everything all right?" The fatigue was almost palpable, but she didn't utter a word about it. Instead, Lena was perplexed about the sudden call, as Shin didn't come across like his usual self.
"Do you have a place to stay for tonight? I know you have planned to be stationed near the refugee center before, but considering the current situation…" It was more of an excuse than a real reason, although he was more than willing to invite her to Ernst's mansion.
"Mr Zimmerman was very kind, he offered me to stay in his friends' place. Their kids had moved away some time ago, so the upper floor is unoccupied but fully furnished. Mr and Mrs Fedder seemed like lovely people when we talked on the phone. They will let me stay there rent-free, even though I insisted on paying." Lena smiled while remembering the conversation. This was a pleasant surprise after all the harsh screaming she had heard all day. Vladilena Milizé was too much of a Republic citizen for the people of Giad and not enough for the refugees. Her face was known by many, so hostile comments followed her now anywhere she went.
"The man is swift as always. I've never met them, but Kurena and Anju visited their farm once. Isn't that outside the city?" He replied with confusion, clearly recalling apple pies baked after the trip. From what he remembered, girls complained it had taken them more than an hour and a half to get there.
"It's close enough, I'm grateful for the opportunity. Because of the refugee influx, it's impossible to book something last minute. Especially if I want to avoid them for a while. Apparently, Frederica was the one who came up with this idea, I must thank her later. Don't worry, Annette will arrive in a few days, and we'll search for a permanent place together." The girl tried to hide the mental toll it took on her, but weariness was too great to be concealed. Lena desperately needed a break and Shin decided, he must make sure she took it now.
"How about a few days off this whole mess? To replenish your energy and explore the countryside a little. You most definitely deserve it." Shin tried to nudge her gently, as the girl tended to be stubborn. There was a lot of work with new guests arrival, but in his opinion, it wasn't her burden to bear. Lena had already done more for those people than they deserved.
"Funny you say that, they said similar things during the meeting. It's weird talking about vacations, when technically, I'm unemployed now. My duties as the mission's Commander have come to an end as of this evening. Now I'm just Lena." There was a note of sadness in her tone, she sacrificed her whole life to the military. It was unsure what would happen to her next, as the headquarters were facing a much more challenging problem. Sorting out all the refugees and their documentation was no easy feat, and the people in question weren't exactly cooperative.
"Then, Lena. Would you mind if I visited you during your forced time off? Call it compulsory inspection if you want, but I have to make sure you didn't smuggle any documents to analyze. Of course, if you prefer to recuperate alone, I'll respect that." Shinei couldn't bring himself to call it as it is. He missed her and was concerned about Lena's overexertion. Ironically, Shin had no problem doing that to himself repeatedly in the past.
"Thanks, Shin. You can come whenever you want, just give me a heads-up. It doesn't seem I'll be busy anytime soon. Besides, I'm always happy whenever I see your face. I-I mean… Not face! You. S-sorry… The cab just arrived! I've got to go!" Lena got flustered and tangled in her words, finishing abruptly the conversation. Shin finished the evening chuckling at her adorableness, forgetting about the Emptiness temporarily lulled to sleep.
June 28th Republic Year 357 (Stellar Year 2138)
65 days until the Start of the Legion War
What hit Elizabeth the most was the indescribable enormity of the Birkenbaums' premises. The vast garden was full of decorative trees and flowers, spreading with no end in sight. When the wind blew, her eyes were hit by the storm of colourful petals, spinning around like in a kaleidoscope. Fresh fruity scent mixed with various blossoms entered her nostrils, pleasantly tickling her brain. It was almost unreal, compared to her shabby apartment in the poorer part of the city.
The main five-store structure, inspired by Gothic architecture, looked like a fairy tale castle, or to be more accurate in Liz's perspective, an evil witch's fortress. Four soaring towers grew out of the main building's body, adorned by decorative stained glass windows. It emanated splendour, but with a sense. The architect clearly knew what he was going for. Even Elizabeth, as hard as it was for her to admit, was impressed by the posh design. The senior butler, who greeted her at the front gate, noticed the girl's interest and began talking about the mansion.
"It was originally built by your great-grandfather's great-grandfather Edelgard Birkenbaum, as a gift for his beloved wife. The story is quite romantic, you can find many books in the library written based on that. There is a quite peculiar tradition related to those gardens. Therese loved her gift so much, she wanted to share it with the whole world. As such, she established a law, that any citizen can freely roam through the gardens, as long as they don't cross the fountain line. Many neighbors love to visit, so don't be surprised by the unfamiliar faces. The main building was remodeled and restored many times, especially after the disastrous fire seventy years ago. Every generation tries its best to keep it according to the primary design, so it became sort of a historical place… My bad, Lady Elizabeth, I must be boring you to death. You are the youngest living relative, so it's an honor to be your guide, but you must be tired from the journey. Please, let me accompany you to your room, I'll spare you from this old man's stories until tomorrow." The butler's enthusiastic chatter was far from unpleasant for Elisabeth. His hoarse yet kind voice reminded Liz of her late grandpa, so she found a sense of comfort in his ramblings. Gregor's family served here for generations and his knowledge about this place was indisputable.
"I truly don't mind, it's a fascinating place, and you are a great storyteller. I would love nothing more, than for you to continue being my guide tomorrow. It might be disappointing, that I don't know much about Dad's part of the family, but you know how the story goes. Anyway, I'm open to hearing more." Contrary to her initial attitude, Elizabeth couldn't help, but warm up to Gregor. She knew none of the employees were responsible for her fate, and harbouring ill feelings would only lead to isolation. Managing her bad habit of swearing was not so awful when talking to the elderly, because she automatically recalled grandpa's frown face. There was only one person deserving her unfiltered hate, and that twat didn't even show up to greet her.
"You remind me of him when he was your age. You have the same Birkenbaum spark in your eyes, ready to take on the world. It's unmistakable." Gregor smiled, but the grief was still present in his words. Many years had passed since Liz's father's death, but the time seemed to stay still in this mansion. The butler wondered if the Mistress would also recognize those similarities.
"Those fiery eyes are the only thing I got after him, the rest is the spitting image of my mother. My grandpa used to say, the Dunhams might not be a powerful family, but their blood dominates every other. I thought he was joking until I saw a picture of my great-grandmother. We really resemble clones." Elizabeth laughed, and Gregor happily joined in. The atmosphere was better than she expected, and her foul mood seemed to wash away.
"Then I'm glad at least the Pyrope eyes managed to sneak past the defenses and end up on your face. My Lady looks very refined in your ancestral colors." It was apparent the Birkenbaums adored their lineage, as the interior was filled with red adornments. This gave the main hall an ominous ambiance, like if someone bled here to death, it wouldn't change the carpets even a bit.
When she arrived at her new room, the bright colours took Elizabeth by surprise. Walls were beige, accented by carefully painted green leaves, looking like poison ivy immortalized by a few skilful strokes of a brush. It was unexpectedly cosy, devoid of sumptuousness and crimson shades beloved by her kin. The girl suspected Gregor might have something to do with this convenience, because her aunt would be the last person to order such a thing.
Liz unpacked her few belongings and crammed the violet boxes into the back of the lowest drawer. She doubted anyone would care about her habits, but there was always a chance somebody might take them from her. Violette's were impossible to buy in the Empire, so Liz would be stuck if anyone touched her stash. She spent a few hours reading a romance novel on her massive, Queen-sized bed until the ringing of the bell interrupted her peace. She had no idea what it meant, but a stern knock at her door told her, the fun time was over.
"Please, come in." Elizabeth sat down and straightened her wrinkled shirt. She didn't want the servants to think she was an ill-mannered simpleton. Liz hated the noble culture, but at the same time, she wanted to show that her grandpa and mum had taken great care of her education. Them being poor was nothing to be frowned upon.
"Miss, it's time for supper. Mistress requested you join her in the dining room. In the closet you should have a few suitable clothing pieces, do you need assistance dressing up?" The maid was not much older than her, but she treated the girl like they were from other planets. Elizabeth was uncomfortable with people trying to serve her, so she swiftly declined her proposition.
"No, I'll do it myself. Is it really mandatory to go?" She was unhappy, but troubling the attendants was the last thing Liz wanted to do. Confronting her aunt was going to happen sooner or later, and just so it happens, the woman chose the former option.
"The Mistress commanded me, to not accept any excuses, and her orders are absolute. She does not tolerate defiance. I suggest you do not provoke her. I will wait outside for you to get dressed comfortably." The girl politely bowed her head and obediently went out of the room. Elizabeth shuddered at the fact, that this would probably be her daily experience for the next two months. Her aunt had appeared to rule the house with iron fists, and Liz currently had no real allies.
The young woman browsed through the closet, finding only fancy dresses seen only in picture books and on the telly. The cost of one of those could match her mum's whole three-month salary. Putting it on for this meeting felt too bitter, so Elizabeth boldly decided not to comply. She took fresh trousers taken from home and paired them with a simple white blouse found in the back of the wardrobe. After checking the result in the mirror, Liz felt content enough, to leave her room.
"Miss, I have told you, the Mistress…" The maid shook her head in disappointment, trying to reprimand Elizabeth, but the girl quickly cut her off.
"I'll tell my aunt it was my choice and you have tried to stop me. I refuse to budge any further, take it or leave it. You know I'd love to get away from this whole circus." Liz said firmly, crossing her arms on her chest. The woman silently calculated the risk, and came to the conclusion, that a poorly clothed niece was better than no niece. She sighed but proceeded to lead her to the dining table.
The room was the size of a decent flat, capable of being a comfortable home for a four-person family. Elizabeth wasn't startled at the bloody red walls or the stuffed animal heads hanging on them, but the person sitting at the table made her own blood boil. The woman blended in with her long, crimson hair and equally intense eyes, but her pale skin distinctly stood out in the dark space. There was no smile on her face, and the cold gaze portended that a quarrel was about to happen.
"Sit. I specifically asked the maids to change your clothing, why do you stubbornly try to have your way? Don't you have any shame? Stop acting like a child." Zelene Birkenbaum didn't bother with pleasantries, even though she saw her for the first time since the adoption in the United Kingdom.
"YOU talk to ME about shame? Why did you even bring me here, I told you it's not necessary. Keep being the fucking minger you've been my whole life, and just leave me alone." The girl didn't have time to sit on the chair, as the argument began before she had reached the table. She despised how her aunt acted like she had any authority over her, even though Zelene had cut them all off years ago. There was no apology nor a hint of regret, so Elizabeth had no idea why she adopted her.
"Don't try changing the subject, I was told you would go to foster care otherwise. I may be an evil bitch in your eyes, but don't want my brother's child to end up in some kind of dysfunctional family. I owe him at least that." Curse words felt weird when said by her noble lips, covered by vermilion lipstick. Elizabeth earlier assumed, that high-class people never lower to the pleb's level, but she was now proven wrong.
"How fucking generous of you. Where were you, when mum was dying? Or when grandpa needed his medications, and we didn't have the money? Bullshit, you don't care about me. Maybe it's your frigging way of shaking off the guilt or something but guess what. I've ended up at the most dysfunctional family possible thanks to your bloody help." Liz was fuming, but Zelene looked like an indifferent statue. It aggravated her even more, like she was the only one truly burdened by the situation. The air was so tense it was almost hard to breathe when Elizabeth decided she had enough. Instead of waiting for her aunt's response, Liz stormed off outside, slamming the door. Someone was yelling in the distance, but the voice didn't belong to the Scarlet Queen.