AN: I tempted fate, cursed by the outside venture, I got sick. Then, my family decided to foster a Pitbull Mix – No, Steve, not Mr. Three-Oh-Five. No, not Mr. Worldwide, either. Wha–I mean the dog species! Yes, that one. ...Yes, that one – and he's...Just...So, fuckin CUTE! He's just a big old toddler with a cow's head on a dog's body. Hence my absence.
Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
Who's That Father?
Reality
(Then: Lust, East Side "Asmodeus' Alley")
Two hounds stood across from each other in a two-floor home in the outskirts of Asmodeus' Alley, the East-most corner of Lust that was considered too derelict for even drug users or sex workers to frequent. One had silvery-white fur, the other a dark beige with a hint of silver to it. Their eyes held glowing glares, one red and the other a pale pink, that were locked with each other and one openly snarled while the other subtly growled.
"Hiashi." The taller of the two greeted the other, his eyes narrowed to near slits and his claws subtly flexed. "Give me one good fucking reason I shouldn't gut you where you stand for intruding in my territory, kinslayer."
"Because Naruto trusts me, Jiraiya."
"Tch! That Brat is a fucking moron." Jiraiya scoffed and rolled his eyes before he pointed at the other Hound. "You know it. I know it. Shit, even he knows it. The only praise I can give him is that he had the fucking brains to cut things off once he caught your daughter cheating on him with his best friend in his own damn house."
"Yes, it was a shame how that turned out, but I will not be faulted for either of my daughter's mistakes." Hiashi crossed his arms. "Any decisions they make henceforth are nothing compared to my mistakes."
"...You found her?"
"The Sinisters took her to her mother's parents. Hanabi will stay and live with them unless she chooses otherwise. They let her do as she pleases so I don't expect to see her anytime soon." Hiashi rubbed his eyes. "Jiraiya, has it-? Has life for Hellpups always been this bad? Back when Minato and I ran together–"
"When you and Minato ran the streets of Beelzehaven, we saw the possibilities that wholehearted and totally embraced gluttony denied us. You enforced rules that should have been enforced decades ago and backed political moves that made our Ring the closest to orderly or livable behind Lust." Jiraiya looked at the entryway wall, where a small picture of a golden wolf-like Hellhound and a fox-like She-Hound, the male half-draped himself over the female. The timeless smiles in the frame spoke to him in a way he never truly understood, yet did. He took a deep breath and looked back at Hiashi. "I will never forget what you are, Hiashi. You are and will always be a Kinslayer. If you want to visit while The Brat's away, you clear it with him first. I have no say over how he and Wari live their lives."
"...You truly have changed, Jiraiya." Hiashi huffed and shook his head. "The demon I knew growing up–"
"Is dead." Jiraiya glared at him sharply. "Honestly, I'd prefer it stay that way. You and all of Hell better pray to God and Lucifer both that nothing brings him back out. After all, The Blood–!"
"'The Blood of Hel's Hound never forgets a slight', yes. I remember. You only said it enough times to Minato and I for me to start reciting it in my sleep." Hiashi sighed and turned to the door. "Then, I will speak to Naruto before he leaves."
"...Hiashi," Jiraiya said once the hound's paw gripped the handle. "I never said it before, but I am sorry for your losses. All of them."
"...Thank you, Jiraiya."
"That being said," the older Hound growled again and a weight of presence filled the shack that made the other hound visibly sweat. "If you for whatever reason flip your shit again and hurt my Great-GrandPup...You'll wish I brought that dead Hel's Hound back, just so he wouldn't torment you in whatever realm awaits you next."
The shorter hound left with nothing more to say.
(Now: Gluttony, Hellhound Heights)
Warm and safe. Those were the two things she felt as she slept. Her head was cushioned by something firm, warm and still soft. It smelt nice, really nice, like a virile male hound with a twist of Vanilla and violets. Her head dragged up and down so that her cheek rubbed into the soft firm warm cushion.
Suffice to say, Loona was in bliss.
Naturally, this meant that the powers that be had to fuck with her, because Hell-forbid she have anything worth a damn to enjoy in this shithole. A high pitched beep started to assail her ears and Loona groaned. She clawed for a pillow and caught something that felt like a tough hide.
"Fuck!" The deep snarl tore her from her sleep-riddled daze and she instinctively snarled back at the source. A pair of narrowed – not to mention, very pretty – blue eyes met her narrowed red and she held a snarl with the other Hound for a second before their actual brains kicked in. Well, hers sputtered for a minute until context clues reminded her that oh yeah, there was the whole new comfy boyfriend thing she just got.
"You gonna get your claw out of my tit or should I just schedule a Vet to supervise reconstruction?" Naruto grumbled at her. Loona gave him a bleary blink of her eyes before she looked at her claw and her ears burned. Folding the blazing organs back, she relaxed the tight grip on his pec and glared around for the source of that godawful high-pitched beeping noise. She groaned and gave up not even two seconds in, the lure of sleep and warmth radiating off of her boyfriend's body was just too tempting.
"What the fuck is that and why isn't it fucking destroyed yet?" Loona grumbled as she lowered her head back down to rest back where it was on his shoulder. His left hand's claws scrambled across the bedside table.
"My alarm." He let out a huff when the sound stopped. A light shone into her closed eyes and she growled. He growled back at her before his head slumped into his pillow and the light disappeared. "Fucking–Dammit, it's already five?"
"Five?" Loona groaned and buried her face further into his arm and chest. "You need to fix your fuckin' alarm..."
"Loo, I'm a single Dad. I need the extra time to make coffee and breakfast. Fuck, and go over whatever emails were sent while we were at the party. Ugh, getting up." Naruto let out a quick whine before he started to follow through on his words and rose up.
Uh, where the fuck did he think he was going? She growled at him, tightened her arms around him where she could, and nipped at his collarbone. She jerked back with a yelp as something shocked her mouth. She dropped off of her boyfriend to the bed with another whimper as she grabbed at her aching jaw.
"Whoa! Loona, you okay?!"
"The fuck was that?!" Loona whined and touched the left hinge. She yelped and whined again, this time cupping her claws around it. A larger paw rested over hers and she growled. The instinct to snap was there, but it hurt too much for her to act on it.
"It's just me, Loo. I just wanna see where it hurts, I won't touch it," Naruto crooned lowly to her, his big thumb rubbed over the back of her paw. "Will you let me see it?"
"Just Fuckin'– ow. Be careful," Loona whimpered and growled as she lowered her hand and opened her mouth. Naruto cradled her head and peered in.
"Nothing inside looks cut or burnt. What'd it feel like?"
"Like I grabbed a doorknob and got shocked." Loona grumbled. "But in my mouth."
"Shit, guess there's a protective ward." Naruto frowned down at his chest, where Bee's stupid Seal pulsed. Then he carefully rubbed the side of her neck, just below where the painful tingle of the shock resonated. "You were just biting at my collarbone, right?"
"Yes, because it's too fuckin early to be fuckin up and fuckin moving." She growled and then whined. She put her paw to her jaw again. "Fuck..."
"I'm gonna go ahead and say you've got the day off." Naruto muttered around his frown. "Can't leave you here though."
"Whyyy–" Loona whimpered and scrunched her eyes shut. Talking fucking hurt, ugh and that was already such a pain in the ass anyway. "The fuck not?"
"Because A) its no secret where I live, and – just in case you forgot because of how amazing last night was – me and mine are currently hashing it out with some fuckheaded Greedy scumbags." He slipped his arm around her shoulders and then hooked the other under her knees. She was lifted with a yelp and glared at him while he smirked. He planted a kiss on the edge of her lips and stopped when she whined. "Sorry...And B) Bee broke in once already, I don't know what she'd do if she did it again and found you here alone, in pain."
"Right." Loona grumbled. She groaned. "Fuck, I have to call my D–I have to call Blitzø."
"I'll take care of it. You are gonna sit tight right here," with the practice only single parenthood could grant, he tugged the other side of the bed's sheet down and settled her in the mostly unused space. Then she was covered up and he sat on the edge beside her. "And go back to sleep. I can give you two more hours, that should help you heal up a bit to make talking bearable."
"Don't have t–fuuuck." Loona whined and covered her mouth. A dark claw tapped on the top of her nose and she glowered up at her boyfriend.
"Sleep, babe. Two hours." He ghosted his muzzle over the right side of hers and she wanted to lean into it, but the damn shock on the left side protested. His lips pressed to the top of her head and he scratched behind her notched ear. "Can't kiss you right if your mouth hurts this bad."
Mm, that was a fucking annoying conundrum, but if he kept those scratches up he could get away with doing anything he wanted. Her eyes started to drift shut from his claws' gentle grazing touch, and one of the last sights she had was of his half-lidded blue eyes and a sexy little wry smile. Her tail thumped on the bed and he gave a deep chuckle.
"Rest up, Loo. I'll wake you when it's time to go."
(Then: Beelzehaven, Wild Things Facilitated – 'Alpha Den')
Three Hellhounds and Two Imps were geared up and huddled around a table. Payne and Panik were triple checking gear with an ear on the Hounds' conversation about their target. Normally, one if not both of the twins would be dropping sarcastic or cynical comments to add their two cents, but even if they weren't Gluttony-native Hellhounds and they didn't really understand the severity of the atrocity that was committed, they weren't fucking morons. The air around the leader of this operation, their actual fucking boss, was one of a cold fury. Hot tempered Hellhounds were nothing new, for most it was the default setting, but a cold anger was rare, it implied that the predator mindset was in control. The same type of mindset that made Hellhounds feared beasts of legend.
"They're definitely holed up here." Naruto's claw tapped on the map spread out in front of him. "That's where they go to check the supplies. That's where we're going to hit them."
"I dunno, boss. Going after a Pack of Pups like this–hrk" Kodiak choked when a dark claw wrapped around his neck. Glowing blue eyes glared into his red.
"I never said we'd be going after the fucking pups, Kodiak." He growled, and though the larger Hound that had a foot and some change on him by height, shrunk down with his tail curled and ears back. The Hellhound growled and jostled him. "Pay. Fucking. Attention."
"Fucks' sake, Boss, I get they broke a rule, but isn't this a bit much?" Payne shut their mouth with a click when those glowing blue eyes fell on them. Panik, ever the dutiful and loyal twin, took a wide side-step away from them. Kodiak was released to recover with a rough series of coughs as Naruto stalked around the table towards Payne.
"Boss, don't kill them. Please." Rex tiredly sighed as he rubbed his temples. If Naruto heard his request, he didn't show it, and instead backed Payne into a corner. He knelt down to look the rotund Imp in the eye as he growled.
"They didn't just break a rule, Payne," he said. His claws snatched their harness and brought them close to his exposed teeth. He snarled in their face. "They raped a Pack Pup! My Pack, raped a rival's Pup! Do you understand what that fucking means, or shall I educate you, Imp?"
"Uh, um, educate me?" Payne whimpered. They never heard their boss bring species into an argument unless he was well and truly pissed off. Right now, Payne wished they were Hounds so they could properly show submission. Disregarding their Hierarchy placement being higher than Naruto's, they never dreamed of being his better. They were in the crowd when he won his Coalition of Kings Tournament. They saw every fight he was in. Payne wanted to stay on this Hellhound's good side, always, and if that meant being threatened by him? Then by Satan they would let him threaten them all he wanted.
"..Wise answer." He growled. "It means they think they're untouchable. They will grow complacent. They will die. That's what will happen if this sort of behavior is not corrected. Personally, it reflects badly on me. If I claim to come from the Eastbrook Eaters while they show such behavior, what do you think our clients will think of me, of our standards?"
"...Um...Lowly?"
"Bingo." Naruto let them go and stood up. "This is about a long term issue. If we deal with it right now, and properly cut the weed from the stem, then we won't deal with it again."
"What about the seeds that get away?" Rex asked. The blue-eyed Hound turned to him, and the two held a quiet stare. Fuck, but Payne wished they were a Hellhound sometimes. And that they didn't write shitty shipping stories about people she knew.
"They'll think we've forgotten about them and follow that with one of three reactions," the boss said. He raised a claw. "First, the best possible result, they take our warning as it is and clean up their act." A second claw went up. "Second, the most unlikely outcome, they'll be scared so badly that they go underground and hide for the rest of their lives." He crossed his arms again. "And finally, the most likely result, they'll wait a few months and retaliate."
"That doesn't sound dangerous to you?" Panik asked.
"They'll try to retaliate against me. Pup logic, Panik." Naruto smirked and it wasn't a nice one. "Go after the big dog, show him your stuff–"
"And get absolutely destroyed." Rex chuckled. He leaned forward and gave a very toothy grin. "Devious, Boss. Very cruel. I approve."
"Thank you. Now, Payne, Panik, since this is a Hellhound thing, I'll ask again: Do either of you want out?"
Payne looked at their twin, who looked back at them. Their connection, forged in the pit that was their mother's womb, was strong and they had gotten really good at reading each other over the years. Shit, Panik was the one that figured out Payne was different from the rest of their brothers before Payne did. That was a 'Panik Attack' for the ages.
"We're in." "Already this deep." The twins said unanimously. Naruto stared at them for a minute before he nodded.
"Alright, then you two will set the explosives."
(Now: Beelzehaven, Wild Things Facilitated - Recreational Floor)
"Open, please...Thank you."
Naruto leaned against his temporary desk as he watched his on-site physician give his girlfriend a once over while she sat on the couch that was in his makeshift office. The extra two hours had granted enough time to let the inherit healing factor most Hellhounds had kick in, but Loona's seemed a bit weaker than what he was used to Hounds having, as she was still sore and uncomfortable on the drive over. Maybe it was because she was born in Pride? He'd have to look into the Orphanage system there to see how worse off it was compared to Gluttony. That could come later, once this check up was done.
"Looks fine to me, Sir." Dr. Nairod said as he 'smiled' at Loona. To most, this would be an unsettling thing since the physician lacked a mouth and instead was a beak-masked Spector with red lenses for eyes, but Naruto had known Mase Kob Nairod for two years and had a good understanding of his emotive mannerisms. His girlfriend, however, did not and curled her lips back at him to bare her fangs in a silent snarl while her ears pulled back. Undeterred by the display, Dr. Nairod kept his kind professional demeanor. "As far as I can tell without getting too invasive, anyway. No lasting damage and you're not feeling pain with use, right?"
"No." The curt growl would put most off, but Nairod was used to it.
"Good, if there's any more pain, feel free to let me know." He floated over to his bag and withdrew a small injection syringe that made Loona's growl grow louder. Naruto pushed off of the desk and tilted his head slightly, ready to intervene if necessary. Girlfriend or not, Nairod was trusted by a lot of if not all of the Hounds that worked for him; they'd riot if their one trusted physician was harmed regardless of the reason of whoever did it. The Drude turned and held the injector in two hands, cradled in his palms. "This is a Hellbies booster shot–"
"Fuck off! " Loona's snapped reply had Naruto growl at her.
"Loona, he's just–"
"Shut it, I don't need a fucking shot." She snarled and crossed her arms. Alright, that wasn't his fuckin' point, but now it might be. She glared at him and he growled back at the implied challenge for a millisecond before he got ahold of himself. He backed down with a huff and she relaxed a bit before she glared back at the Drude. "I've got an appointment in a few months to get the fucking lifetime one."
"In Sloth?" Dr. Nairod asked as he put the booster on the desk beside his bag. He shook his head. "Not recommended. You'll be dealing with another few months of reduced healing, lower reaction time, and worsened hangovers."
"...Hellbies can affect that?" Naruto asked with an arched brow and tilted head. He glanced at Loona to find her still glaring at the physician, but her ears were perked rather than back, so she was at least a little interested.
"Oh, yes, absolutely!" Dr. Nairod nodded. "Not only that, but conception numbers dramatically rise and interbreeding issues tend to plummet the longer it's staved off past physical maturity. So, on the off chance you and an Imp or Succubus ever get it on, be prepared to use protection."
"I wasn't fuckin' planning on it." She grumbled. She blinked. "Wait, Hellbies increases the possibility of conception?!"
"Yes, that's what I said."
"...Uh, how-how dramatically are we talking, Doc?" he asked, while he did some mental math to estimate what it would cost to expand on his house if necessary.
"Approximately a thirty-five hundred percent increase, and given the conception rate for Hellhounds is already so vastly superior to that of other Hellborn...How sexually active have you two been?" The Drude asked. Naruto groaned into his hand while his girlfriend snarled. Dr. Nairod chuckled. "Well, as my favorite superior and signer of my paychecks, congrats may be in order if she starts to show symptoms in the coming week."
"Shit." Both hounds groaned. Dr. Nairod smirked.
"I wouldn't worry about it too much. Naruto is vaccinated, so perhaps it's nothing to worry about." He shrugged and drummed his claws together. "Honestly, Hellbies is a dreadful example of poor application to biologically induce population control from way back when Hell first started, a test if you will, to see if the Sinner population could be mitigated without total soul destruction being involved. Granted it got out of control when Queen Beelzebub stopped supervising it, and now it's widespread among the species after a control subject got loose and randy in one of her orgies. It's actually quite fascinating, really, how it only hinders Hellhounds and is lethal to other Hellborn."
"Hinders." Loona scoffed. "Shit makes us go rabid and fucking crazy and you call it a fuckin hindrance?"
"Yes," Dr. Nairod used a rag to wipe his lenses clear. "It only causes that in late-stage development and it doesn't kill your species outright like a rabid bite would other Hellborn."
"We'll have to come back to that some other time." Naruto muttered, now rubbing his muzzle as he mulled this information over. He looked at Loona, who continued to glare warily at Nairod, or rather, the booster shot he had set beside him, and then at the 'good' doctor. "Thanks for the checkup, Doc. Just put the bill under my name."
"You say that as if I hadn't already planned on doing it." Nairod chuckled sinisterly before he gathered his things. He put the syringe back and swapped it with a card that he held out to Loona. "If you ever decide to change your mind, or if other issues arise, my number."
"Thanks." She snatched it from his hand with a grunt. The Drude physician nodded to her, then to him, before he left through the parted flap that made Naruto's makeshift office. The taller of the two Hellhounds left in the room let out a small sigh before he walked over and pulled the shorter into a hug. He gently scratched the part of her back she couldn't reach until her tail started to do its adorable tip-wag, and then pressed his lips to her head.
"Thank you for putting up with that."
"You're such a fuckin' Dad." She grumbled, even as she hugged him back. Her head craned up and she glared at him. "Don't kiss me like that."
"Well, how the fuck do you want me to kiss you?" He smirked. She growled and he chuckled before he brought his lips down to meet hers. He kept it chaste and quick, which she clearly disapproved of if the growl she let out was anything to go by when it broke. He gently clacked his teeth in front of her nose and she snuffed. "You really want to test the boundaries of that conception issue? It can wait until later." She whined at him and he rolled his eyes. "Not while I'm at work, Loo. Or at least, not while my office doesn't exist."
"Tch, that's fuckin' lame. Next you'll say we can't smoke in here."
"Yes, we're definitely not doing that." She scowled at him and he pointed to his right. "Babe, I've got live munitions literally ten feet away. Chances are too high and my insurance won't cover that kind of fuck up."
"What the fuck am I supposed to do then?"
"You've got the day off, what do you normally do? Sit around on your phone and drink?" Naruto asked her. She looked to the side with a pout and he arched his eyebrow. "Wow, seriously?"
"What? Do you do anything on your days off?"
"Well–"
"That would imply he takes days off." Priscilla deadpanned as she walked in with Shikamaru behind her, who was holding Himawari's hand. Seeing his daughter, Naruto broke away from Loona and knelt to take her for a hug when the puppy gasped excitedly. She released Shikamaru's hand, shot past Naruto and slammed into Loona hard enough to knock her back onto the couch.
"Hi, Miss Loona!"
"Hey, Squirt." Loona wheezed. Naruto gaped at the two, his ears lowered, and his jaw worked for a moment before he managed a word.
"Pickle?" Whoops, there was a hint of a whine there. He nipped that in the bud–Shit, Shikamaru and Priscilla were smirking at him. Thank fuck Loona was too dazed to take notice.
"Hi, Daddy!" His sweet puppy grinned at him while her tail wagged frantically. She remained where she was clinging to Loona's waist. "Uncle Shika didn't tell me Miss Loona was gonna be here today! Is she gonna come work for you, too?"
"Uh, probably not." He chuckled at the same time his girlfriend let out a snorted "Fuck, no."
Naruto gave her a flat glare that she returned as she sat up and adjusted Himawari on her lap. He had to put a pin in his tail's plan to wag at the sight of his girlfriend 'hugging' his daughter, lest he get more blackmail stacked against him. With a snort, he stood and joined Loona on the couch, snatching his pup from her lap with a playful growl. Himawari squealed and giggled as he nuzzled into her neck.
"How come Loona gets a Pickle Missile but Daddy doesn't? Huh? Huh?!" He grumbled as his claws scratched at her sides.
"Sto-ho-hop!" Himawari giggled out. "I'm so – hahaha –sorry!"
"Ugh, great. I can feel cavities forming already." Shikamaru's grumble was met by a giant brown middle finger from Naruto as he continued to tease his pup. The Baphomet shook his head. "Seriously, we need to debrief Hiashi, Naruto–"
Himawari broke away with a lucky direct kick to his solar plexus. Loona caught her with a yelp as she tumbled out of Naruto's grip before she hit the floor, broken arm first. While her father fought to catch the wind that was knocked out of him, the giggling puppy panted and smiled up at Loona before she looked at Shikamaru with her ears raised high.
"Pop-Pop's here, too?!"
"Nicely done, Shikamaru." Priscilla sighed. The black sheep scowled at her.
"Oh, how the fuck was I supposed to know she didn't smell him or some shit?"
"Guys, don't start." Naruto wheezed as sternly as he could manage. He stood up and rubbed the space below his sternum before he met Loona's gaze. She arched a brow and smirked at him before she offered the panting pup to him. He smiled and took Himawari from her, carrying the little Pup upside down and made her giggle anew. "C'mon, you troublesome Pickle. Let's go talk to Pop-Pop and then we'll go to Pup Park."
"Pup Park?" "Pup Park!" Loona asked while Himawari cheered.
"But what about–" Shikamaru started. Naruto smiled at him. It wasn't a friendly smile, but a cold one, and he made sure the Baphomet fucking knew it was cold. He was fucking tired and if his team was willing to step up for him, then what kind of fucking demon was he if he didn't take advantage of it?
"Since you're so worried about it, then you can debrief him...Lieutenant." He growled with a grin, which left the Baphomet shell shocked. He looked at Loona, and his tail wagged a bit when he saw her cute little smirk. "C'mon, Loo, let's go before this hurtful, master escape artist of a Pickle –" He jostled the giggling Himawari as her tail wagged proudly while she hung upside down, legs curled towards her chest, from where she was pinned by his arm. "– Tries to kick me in the chin or something."
"Are you really taking the day off?" Priscilla asked once she caught up to Naruto's other side. He gave her a sidelong glance and the older She-Hound held a hand up to adjust her glasses. "You can, I don't have an issue with it. I'm actually happy you're considering it. It's just very unlike you."
"Yeah, I figure I might as well," he said as he flipped Himawari back up to carry her over his shoulder like a rucksack. He tilted his head when her tail whapped his face. "Ey, watch it, Pickle. Gonna take one of my eyes out and then what am I gonna do?"
"Look like Mr. Tex?" Himawari giggled. Loona snorted.
"Ouch, Pickle. Didn't think you thought Daddy was that ugly." He huffed in mock offense. He glanced back at his smirking P.A., and grinned. "Hold the fort down, huh?"
"Don't I do that anyways?" She asked as she rounded back, likely to check on Shikamaru. Loona huffed out a laugh and Himawari giggled. These were the two most important She-Hounds in his life.
"If I wanted to be insulted like this, I'd spend time with my grandfather." Naruto grumbled good-naturedly. He twisted his claws into his giggling puppy's sweet spot and indulged in her squeals of laughter with a grin on his face. "You, my little Sunflower, are going to regret every second of this giggling nonsense once we get to the Pup Park."
"Nuh-uh!"
"Oh, yes you will."
"Would either of you like to fucking explain what the fuck a Pup Park is or am I just fucking guessing?" Loona asked dryly. Naruto grinned at her.
"You know, half the fun of spontaneous adventure is being surprised."
"I don't like being surprised." She growled at him. He smirked and leaned over to whisper in her ear, careful not to be overheard by his still giggling puppy.
"That's not what it seemed like last night when I used 'The Shocker' on you."
"Tha–...That's fuckin' situational!" She growled, ears folded back, but he saw a hint of pink in them. He threw his other arm over her shoulders and pulled her in for a hug. Surly she might be, the fact that she let him do so proved she wasn't really mad. He growled back at her before he kissed the edge of her notched ear. She growled into a quick whine as his tongue teased the roughened edges of the notch. "You can't do that to get out of everything."
"Whatever you say, Loo." He chuckled as his wagging tail swayed over hers.
(Now: Pride, Immediate Murder Professionals – Main Office)
"Immediate Murder Professionals, please hold." Moxxie frantically switched lines on the outdated rotary phone, beads of sweat flying from his face as he struggled to write down all the information from the client in front of him. The strangely suited humanoid with bright red eyes and black feathered hair stared at him. "Now what was your–?" The phone rang again and he winced. "Oh crumbs, one moment. Immediate Murder Professionals, please hold."
"I would like you to kill my brother."
"Ah, yes, and the purpose for this request?" The phone rang and Moxxie whimpered. "Terribly, sorry. One moment, sir." He answered the phone. "Immediate Murder Professionals, please hold." Switched the line to holding and hung up the receiver before he smiled at the Sinner. "Sorry about that, you were saying?"
"Right...My little brother killed our family and my wife..he made me watch. It was so horrific, I tried to kill myself. And now I'm here." The bird-like Sinner looked around. "In...Hell? Tsk, so much for Atheism. Thanks for nothing, Dad."
"Ah, that actually could play a part in your arrival along with the suicide." Moxxie chuckled. The Sinner stared at him and he gulped. "Right. Um. The target's name?"
"Uchiha Sasuke."
"...Could you spell that to me in Infernal?"
"What the actual fuck is Infernal?"
"The language of Hell – Sugar Honeyed Iced Tea!" Moxxie glared at the phone when it started to ring again. "So, so sorry about this, sir. One moment. Immediate Murder Professionals, please hold." Moxxie hit the switch and set the receiver down. He smiled at the Sinner. "Now, how did you spell your brother's name? It starts with a Yewvla?"
"...I don't think you're putting them on hold." The Sinner deadpanned. Moxxie blinked.
"Uh, beg pardon?"
"I don't think you're putting them on hold."
"...Oh! Oh, because it looks like a rotary Hellphone," Moxxie said with a laugh. "No, no. I assure you, sir. All of those callers are just waiting in Hellphone Limbo for me to take their information down–"
"Really? Go ahead and answer the next one." The Sinner crossed his arms. "I can wait."
"Sir, really, the sooner we get this preliminary request in–" The phone started ringing and the Sinner arched a brow. Moxxie narrowed his sulphuric red eyes before he answered. "Immediate Murder Professionals, how may I–?"
"FUCKIN FINALLY! CHRIST ABOVE! HOW FUCKIN HARD IS IT TO TAKE A FUCKING MESSAGE?!"
"Whoa, whoa, there's no need for that kind of language, Ma'am!" Moxxie frowned. Dropping any sort of reference to the Almighty, his Son, The Holy Spirit, or Heaven Itself was highly frowned upon in Hell. It'd be like a human reciting Eminem's "Kim" unfiltered, in the middle of a sermon in a place of worship. Funny to any Hellborn or depraved mind, but definitely frowned upon by the dominant society.
"YES THERE FUCKIN IS WHEN YOU HANG UP ON ME EIGHTEEN FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW!"
"E...Eight...Eighteen times?" Moxxie squeaked. The Sinner smirked.
"Called it." He chuckled and started to rise up. "Well, if that's the kind of professionalism I can expect from a native, maybe I'll just wait for him to show up down here."
"Wait, sir–!" Moxxie held a hand out and looked at the phone in his grasp. Visibly torn, he was unable to stop the bird-like sinner from leaving. He whimpered and reluctantly took the verbal abuse from the call-in request about a job in a city set on North America's Atlantic coastline.
How the fuck did Loona do all of this and not get frazzled?
AN: There we go, glad y'all enjoyed. Sporadic updates while we get the pupper settled.
Thanks for Reading!