As every day, Derek's alarm clock went off at 5:30 a.m., indicating that a new day had begun. He quickly got up and turned it off so that Addison wouldn't wake up. Arleth had been crying until 3 a.m. that morning, and both of them were tired, especially her as she had been breastfeeding. Fortunately, the syringe method had worked and the baby had learned to suck well, which was a relief for everyone.
Derek quietly went to his dressing room and took a light blue shirt, a matching tie, and tailored pants. Since he was chief, he dressed much more elegantly at the hospital. He always had to be well-presented in meetings with the medical board or with the directors and authorities of other hospitals.
He also put on his shoes and when he returned to his bedside table to get his wristwatch, he saw a black crow perched on the window, staring inside.
He had never seen one of those birds so closely, much less in his house. Anyway, he didn't give it much importance and closed the blind. Then he went to Olive's room to wake her up.
"Ols, it's time to go to the kinder," he said softly in her ear.
"No, Daddy... just a little longer," she said, covering her face with the sheets, still asleep.
"Come on, we'll be late."
"I don't wanna go."
"Yes, you want to go. You have to go see your little friends and learn many things," he said as he opened his daughter's closet and took out her clothes for the day.
"Where's Mommy?" she asked, opening one eye.
"She's sleeping, don't wake her up because she had a difficult night with your sister."
"But who will make me breakfast?"
"I will. I always make you breakfast."
"No, Mommy makes me my cereal with milk," she said, yawning.
"I'll make you a nice bowl of cereal. Come on, come get dressed. We can't wait any longer."
"Are you going to braid my hair?"
"No, my love. Dad doesn't know how to do those things and now we don't have time."
Olive simply pressed her lips together and accepted. Her father dressed and fixed her, and they went down to the kitchen together. Derek was surprised not to see Amelia there, she usually used to be there before they would have breakfast.
"Have you seen your aunt Amy?" he asked as he opened the cupboard to get a bowl and the cereal box.
"No."
"She came back home yesterday, right?"
"I don't know, I didn't see her."
"She didn't have dinner with you?"
"No."
"That's strange because she left the hospital before me. Maybe she's in the trailer, I'll go check later."
Olive quickly opened her eyes as she remembered that her father couldn't go to the trailer, at least until Amelia managed to replace the burnt microwave.
"She's in the trailer! With her new boyfriend!"
"Boyfriend? What boyfriend?"
"One she met... at... at Disneyland."
"At Disney? When did she go to Disneyland?"
"Umm... last month," she lied quickly.
"Why do I feel like you're lying to me?"
"No, no, I swear."
"And do you know her boyfriend?"
"Yes... his name is Ryan."
Olive wasn't entirely lying, Amelia had been dating a boy named Ryan in these last few weeks. Only they weren't in the trailer, but at his house. They had already spent several nights together without Derek noticing. Addison knew, but she had been so busy with the baby that she didn't have time to mention it.
"Okay, I hope to meet him later," he said as he served his daughter the bowl of cereal with milk. "Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Yes, Daddy."
~•~
Postpartum is tough. Everyone knew that, including Addison, who felt completely exhausted. The lack of sleep and hormonal changes had left her at her breaking point over the past two weeks.
The constant crying of the baby made everything even more difficult. Arleth had recently developed infant colic syndrome, and despite being a doctor and knowing all the tricks and remedies, nothing seemed to calm her. The baby spent hours crying for no apparent reason, making her mother feel even more insecure and frustrated.
Had the same thing happened with Olive? Did she cry this much too? She thought as she rocked her in her arms. She didn't want to compare her daughters, but... was Arleth a more difficult baby? No, she didn't want to think about that either. That doesn't exist. Babies are not easy or difficult, nor are they good or bad. ...but her? Was she a bad mother for not knowing how to calm her?
She was not a first-time mother, nor was she unfamiliar with the topic. God, she was even a baby doctor. Well... but operating on them was easier than calming their crying, clearly.
She had never had doubts about her profession. She had never doubted in the operating room. Surgeons are not allowed to doubt, they just have to do it. Act quickly and cut. Open organs and tissues, stop bleeding, sew, close. No surgery was the same as the other, yet the procedures were repeated. The steps were repeated. Unexpected events occurred, yes. But she knew how to handle them... But with her own daughter?
She didn't know how to make her stop crying. She doubted everything. She had tried to breastfeed her, but she rejected it. She put the pacifier on her, she spat it out. She had changed and bathed her, she was impeccable, but she kept crying. She had massaged her stomach, but it didn't work. Or was she doing it wrong?
She had examined her as if she were a patient of hers. Maybe she had something serious that she was overlooking. She had gone to get her stethoscope from her office and listened to her lungs and heart. Everything was normal. She checked every one of her little fingers, they were fine. Her nose was clean. Her gums and tongue, good. Ears, eyes, normal. She also had no rashes or diaper irritations.
She was fine, or at least it seemed so. Should she go to the hospital to have a scan done? What if one of her organs wasn't functioning properly? And her liver? She had jaundice at birth, maybe...what if it was a consequence of the gummy incident?
No. She was already thinking like a doctor. The baby was fine. She had no fever, cough, or runny nose. Her crying was strong and constant. No sign of illness. So... why wouldn't she calm down?
While she rocked her in her arms, she passed by the mirror in her room. She couldn't help but look at her reflection in it. She was disheveled, with deep circles under her eyes, somewhat pale and... not at all charming.
No, it was not time to worry about her physical appearance now... But she looked disproportionate and fat, with a swollen and haggard face. She knew that her body was still adjusting to the changes that had occurred during pregnancy, it had only been 16 days since the birth, but she couldn't help but think about how unattractive she looked.
It was too soon to be distressed, but... With Olive, she hadn't taken long to regain her usual figure, although of course, it had been the first pregnancy and she was younger. With this one, she felt that she was taking a little longer and even had, as selfish as it sounded, a fear of not returning to how she was before.
She hadn't had stretch marks with Olive, with this one she had some. With Olive, she hadn't had cracked nipples, now she did. And they hurt. There were days when feeding the baby became hell.
She found it difficult to find a moment to take care of herself. It had been several weeks since she had touched up her nails or her hair at the beauty salon, and some gray hairs were already noticeable. She was not a young mother, she knew that. She had Arleth at the age of 43. And that sometimes overwhelmed her.
Several times, when she took Olive to kindergarten, she noticed that most of the mothers were in their twenties.
"That's what happens when you don't wait four decades to have a baby," she thought.
That made her insecure. It made her panic that Olive or Arleth might be ashamed of their parents in the future. Because Derek was a year older than her and was in the same category of "geriatric parents." For now, the kids were too young to realize it, but maybe at some point, they would hold it against them.
She wasn't prepared to answer those questions either. Derek always told her not to think about it, that they were mere nonsense, and it was true. It shouldn't matter to her but... why did it then? Why did that fear settle in her head and never go away? Maybe if she had had her at 30, would she be more efficient now and could calm her?
Unlike the surprise with their first daughter, Arleth's pregnancy had been planned. When Olive turned four, Derek started insisting all the time on having a younger sibling for Olive. Most of her classmates had siblings, and she was an only child. An only child and a child of doctors. Two factors added to the boredom of the little one.
Addison stuck to her stance of "no more children" for a while, but Derek and Olive –influenced by her father– convinced her until she made peace with the idea. She knew that the positive aspects outweighed the negatives, and Olive would have a companion to go through her childhood with.
They both agreed that they wanted to give that lifelong gift to their daughter. They were sure that she would have unforgettable experiences and moments with her sibling, just as she had thousands of anecdotes with Archer and Derek with his sisters. In addition, in the distant future, when they were no longer there, their children would have each other.
So they started trying to get pregnant, accepting all the challenges it implied. They knew they were not young, and that the chances of getting pregnant naturally after 40 were low, but not impossible. They were also aware that her reproductive cells were not of the same quality and that they ran the risk of having embryos with genetic defects or spontaneous abortions. And not to mention all the care that a pregnancy at that age requires. They knew all the risks, and they accepted them anyway.
They spent a whole year trying. Disappointed every time they saw the "negative" mark on the pregnancy test. Thinking many times of giving up, of abandoning. They even thought of starting assisted fertility treatment, hiring a surrogate mother, or as the last resort, adopting.
They were losing hope as time went by and they didn't succeed. However, the previous Christmas gave them that gift. Addison became pregnant on the night of December 25, and a few days before Derek's birthday, in January, she discovered that the baby was on the way and happiness flooded the family.
It was a tougher pregnancy than Olive's, with excessive fatigue, nausea, and vomiting tormenting her to the point of leaving her bedridden all day for the first few months. Then, as her belly grew, so did the heartburn and lower back pain. She remembers having spent whole nights crying from sciatic pain, with Derek by her side trying to calm her with hot water bags and massages.
She had to take maternity leave a few weeks earlier than with Olive because she couldn't stand on her feet at any moment, and due to her age and pregnancy, her obstetrician forced her to rest more.
But apart from all her physical ailments, the baby was always in great shape. She arrived full term and had a quick and dreamy birth. The moment she saw her eyes for the first time, she knew that all that had been worth it and she would do it over and over again if she had to.
Addison smiled remembering that. She didn't realize when her thoughts had distracted her so much, but when she saw Arleth, she noticed that she had managed to fall asleep in her arms. She sighed victorious and lay down in bed with her resting on her chest.
~•~
"Complicated week, Chief?" Bailey asked approaching Derek. He was on one of the balconies overlooking the hospital. From yesterday until today, he couldn't stop thinking about the possible lawsuit and how angry and disappointed Richard was with him.
"Miranda, how's the patient?"
"Good, recovering from the surgery."
"And the lawyer?"
"Still lurking."
"Oh..." he sighed tiredly.
"Did you know that nine out of ten times a lawsuit can be avoided with an apology?"
Derek straightened up and looked at her with a confused expression.
"People want to be heard. They like to feel respected. And they like to hear an apology. That's what Chief Webber would do... He would go into that woman's room as soon as she came out of the operation and apologize to her. Sincere apologies."
He nodded and gave Bailey a small grateful smile. She always knew the right words to help him.
~•~
Derek apologized to the patient and her family for the inconvenience that had occurred. They had discovered that she had a condition that made her metabolize anesthetic medications faster than most people, which is why she woke up in the middle of the surgery; and as the incision kept bleeding, she needed another operation to correct it. This time Meredith performed the surgery, as the woman didn't want Bailey to touch her again, she was scared.
He was relieved to have solved the issue without it getting worse and was able to get home early that day. He had decided that nothing that happened at work was going to take away more precious hours that he could spend with his family.
When he parked his car, he saw Olive sitting on the front porch swing, with her hands together and a sad look.
"Hey, what's wrong, my Ollie Rollie?"
"Daddy..."
"Why so sad, my love?"
"I'm grounded."
"For the gummy bears?"
"Yes."
"You know you shouldn't have given that to your sister. It could have ended in a tragedy."
"I know."
"Is your mother still mad?"
"Yeah."
"I'll talk to her. Do you want to come inside?"
"No, Milo is eating grass and I don't want him to be alone."
"Well, come in later because it's starting to get cold. Okay?"
"Okay..."
"I love you very much, you know?"
"Yes."
Derek gave her a little kiss on her head and went into the house, leaving his briefcase and coat hanging on the coat rack. As he went up the stairs to his room, he knew Addison would be there with the baby. She barely looked at him and raised an eyebrow, annoyed.
"You're home early now?"
"Would you have preferred me to come home late?"
"I don't know. You tell me."
"How are you?"
"Tired, with dark circles, headache, no sleep, no food, can't even go to the bathroom, and I think I have milk stains all over my clothes. If it's even milk..."
"Give her to me."
"She's sleeping, don't wake her. I've been walking around with her for hours trying to get her to sleep."
"I won't wake her," he said, taking her gently and putting her in her crib so Addison could have a break.
She took the opportunity to change her shirt, which was indeed covered in various kinds of fluids.
"Have you punished Olive?" he asked as he approached Addison.
"Yes."
"Don't you think it's too much?"
"No, she needs to learn from what she did."
"She's a little girl, Addie. You always tell me not to be so hard on her."
"Derek, she nearly killed the baby."
"Yes, but it wasn't intentional. You know she's not malicious, she would never hurt anyone on purpose."
"I know."
"It was an accident, things happen."
"I know..."
"You should lift her punishment. She has already learned the lesson. It's heartbreaking to see her sitting sadly on the swing."
"Fine, I'll think about it. Why are you home so early? Are you feeling guilty?"
"I wanted to apologize."
"Why?"
"You were right when you said I was acting selfishly. I wanted to fulfill my dream of being chief of surgery, I saw the opportunity and took it without thinking about the consequences. I shouldn't have done it without consulting you first and I shouldn't have done it behind Richard's back, he didn't deserve that betrayal."
"Am I delusional or is it the lack of sleep making me hear these things? You, admitting that you were wrong? The almighty Derek Shepherd admitting he made a mistake?"
"Addison, I mean it. I apologize and you don't believe me, you take it as a joke."
"It's just hard for me to believe that you are really sorry, Chief."
"I don't regret being the chief, I regret my actions with you, the baby, and Richard. I'll try to fix it as best as I can."
"How?"
"We'll split the hours so it's fair. You'll be with Arleth during the day, and I'll take care of her at night."
"Don't talk nonsense. You come to bed and collapse. You don't even hear her when she cries in the middle of the night."
"I'll be alert so you can rest. We will bottle-feed her and complement breastfeeding, so it's not always you who has to feed her."
"Derek, I appreciate your optimism and willingness to help, but you can't run a hospital without sleep. In less than a week you'll go crazy. It's almost as negligent as drinking alcohol."
"I can handle it, I have to... I promised I would make this work, and here I am, trying. We went through many obstacles to get here, we can't just give up and..."
Addison shook her head and sat on the edge of the bed.
"We can take turns for nights then. One for you, one for me, and so on. And during the day, I'll take her to work with me and take care of her."
"No, I said I don't want her wandering around the hospital. She doesn't even have her basic vaccinations, she could catch anything there."
"I used to carry Olive in a baby carrier and took her with me when she was a baby."
"Olive was older, she could hold her head up when you did that. Arleth is only two weeks old."
"Then you can have the weekends off. I'll take care of them both on weekends and you won't even have to change a diaper."
"Okay."
"Are you serious?" he said, surprised.
"Yes, I want to see how you'll handle it. McDreamy can handle everything, right? It's magical."
"Why are you being sarcastic?"
"It's not sarcasm. Seriously, I can't wait to see how you'll take care of them for two full days without my help."
"Okay, deal. Are we good now?"
"Holidays and vacations too."
"Okay."
"And any time you're at home you have to change diapers, no matter the day of the week it is."
"Fine."
"I'm still losing, but okay, I accept the offer. Deal," she said, extending her hand to shake his.
"Can we have sex too?" he said without letting go of her hand and pulling her closer to him.
"Oh," she said, pretending to feel sorry for him, "that wasn't part of the deal. You should have said that before closing it, I'm sorry."
"Can we make a new one?"
"Quarantine."
"When does the quarantine clause expire?"
"In four weeks."
"In four weeks I'll make you my own again."
"Oh, Derek. Who talks like that? You're back in the Stone Age. I'm not an object for you to claim as your own..."
He didn't let her finish her sentence, took her face in both hands and planted a fervent kiss on her lips. She opened her mouth, scandalized to protest, but as the seconds passed, she gave in and enjoyed that moment that they hadn't shared in a long time.
The love and passion disappeared when suddenly a black crow flew in through the window and perched on Arleth's crib. Addison screamed in terror and hid behind Derek.
"Shit!" he exclaimed, taking off a shoe and throwing it at the bird. Unfortunately, it escaped before the object hit its body.
"Derek, watch out for the baby!"
"This is the second time today I've seen this son of a bitch!" he shouted, throwing the other shoe, which fell out the window. The bird finally flew away in fright.
Addison ran to pick up the baby, who had woken up with her screams and was crying.
"What the hell just happened?" she asked agitatedly.
"I have no idea."