New York City.

December 25, 2011.

The big wooden clock in Carolyn's living room read 08:45 p.m. Addison was sitting on the soft Nordic rug, warming herself by the fireplace, watching the flames flicker constantly. In her hands, she held a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows that Derek had brought to her.

The night had fallen and the Christmas celebration had ended a few hours ago. All the guests had returned to their respective homes, but they had decided to stay a few more days in the city, at Derek's mother's house.

They no longer had the house in the Brownstones of Manhattan. After months of contemplation following Olive's birth, they had concluded that selling it would be the best option. They were certain they would not return to live in New York. Their new life had been built in Seattle. There, they found a new opportunity for their relationship and their family.

Seattle gave them a rebirth, becoming a magical city for them. It was where their daughter was born, and her arrival illuminated their lives forever. Their house in the woods became a dreamlike refuge, their professional careers thrived, and they formed a strong community of friends. Everything was going well in their new home, so it made no sense to hold onto the house in New York.

After taking a sip of hot chocolate, Derek sat behind Addison and kissed her gently on the neck. She turned her head to look at him, but her eyes reflected a certain sadness and lack of hope. Derek's statement about spending the next Christmas with their baby in his arms had deeply affected her.

"Do you truly believe that, Derek? By now, I'm starting to think that will never happen..." Addison whispered with a broken voice.

"You'll see, Addie. Maybe this hasn't been our best year, but the next one will be full of surprises, and one of them will be our baby," Derek replied with confidence.

Fatigue and disillusionment were beginning to overwhelm Addison. She sighed hopelessly as she placed the cup on the floor.

"I'm tired of trying, Derek. Tired of getting excited about the slightest possibility and then feeling disappointment over and over again. Every time my period arrives, I have to start a new grieving process. I don't know if I can endure another year of this," she admitted with sadness in her voice.

"Don't give up just yet, my love. If the time were truly coming for us to give up, I would tell you and accept it. But we haven't reached that point yet," Derek enveloped Addison in a comforting hug.

"Der, the logical and expected probability of achieving pregnancy is a year. After that time, the opportunities decrease drastically. Considering my advanced age and the fact that I'm injecting ovarian stimulants and we aren't seeing results... I no longer believe it will happen," she felt the words coming with difficulty from her mouth.

"We have options, Addie. We can seek the help of specialists, explore alternatives. We don't have to rule out all possibilities," he gently caressed Addison's face, trying to instill hope in her.

With her gaze fixed on the fireplace, Addison pondered Derek's words.

"I don't know if I wanna go through an invasive treatment. It's a very painful process and it could disappoint us even more," she whispered. She made an effort to hold back the tears. She didn't want to cry on Christmas. No one is supposed to shed a tear on a day that isn't one of happiness.

"Okay, let's not think about that now. It's Christmas, and it's time to enjoy. It's time to decree and make wishes for the next year... we can take advantage of that Olive went to Kathleen's house and keep trying... maybe we have some help from the Christmas magic," he said, tenderly kissing her shoulder.

"We are at your mother's house."

"And? She won't hear anything, I promise to be silent."

"Derek..."

"It's not like it's the first time we've done it here."

"No, but we're not 20 anymore."

"Oh, of course, we're not," he bit her ear softly after whispering that.

She turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck to look into his eyes up close. From those clear eyes, she could swear that sparks of excitement, sparks of hope, were coming out of them. In some way, he managed to infect her with it.

Addison leaned in to kiss him deeply. She could feel her husband's heart beating at an accelerated rate, getting in perfect harmony with hers.

She let herself go. She clung to the idea of the magic of her favorite season. She chose to believe that this Christmas would be different and would bring them their long-awaited gift.

And so it was.

~•~

Addison felt a shiver run through her whole body, causing her skin to quickly stand on end as she heard those words come out of her sister-in-law's lips. The mere mention of that phrase completely unsettled her.

"What? Amelia, what are you saying? Of course, I'm not!"

"Oh, yeah. Don't worry, I'll keep the secret until you wanna communicate it... it's just that I didn't think you'd have another baby so soon..." she said, turning around.

"Hey, hey," she grabbed her arm to prevent her from leaving, "I'm not pregnant, Amelia. I'm serious."

"You don't need to lie to me, Addison. I know you, I can see it on your face. But don't worry, you keep more secrets of mine than I do of yours, I'm still at a disadvantage, I wouldn't tell anyone."

"You don't understand, this is not a secret. I'm not pregnant!"

"How sure are you of that?"

"Very sure. It's just a stress buildup from several days. Olive's hospitalization, the family, Bizzy calling me at the last minute, Arleth crying the whole flight. New York itself breaks me down."

"Are you late?"

"No. I mean... I don't know. My period hasn't come back since I gave birth. I can't be so sure about that... lactating women don't have it for three to six months after the baby's birth because of the hormone prolactin and..."

"Do you and Derek use protection?" she asked, interrupting her.

"Yes, well... I haven't taken birth control pills since we started trying to get pregnant with Arleth, but... Derek has always used a condom these past few months... we have been very careful with that and... oh, it can't be," she put a hand to her forehead.

"What?"

"Maybe we had a little slip last month, but... no, I don't know. I'm not sure."

"Do you want me to get a pregnancy test?

"No, of course not. I don't need it, I know my body and I know I'm not. Maybe if it happens again in a week I'll go and..."

"These things can't wait another week. I'll go buy the test now and you'll do it, just to make sure."

~•~

January 13th, 2012.

That day was Derek's 45th birthday, and little did he know, he was about to receive one of the greatest gifts of his life.

He had gone out early that day, he had been called in for an emergency surgery that kept him busy in the operating room all morning.

Addison was a few days late and had gone to the pharmacy the day before to buy a pregnancy test, just to dispel the doubt that had been lingering in her mind during those days. Last Christmas, they had decided to relax and wait. They were going to rely on Christmas magic because if it was really meant to come, it would come when and how it wanted to.

And that day had finally arrived.

Addison cried with emotion when she saw the two red lines marked on the pregnancy test. It was as if the baby knew that today was a special day and wanted to be part of the celebration.

She wiped away her tears, stored the test in its box, and went to the attic to find some boxes she had stored from when Olive was a baby. In one of them, she kept her first clothes, bibs, blankets, and booties. Like a good first-time mother, she refused to let go of any of these things filled with love and nostalgia.

She searched and searched until she found the onesie she wanted so much. She remembered buying it when she was pregnant with Olive, the same day as the hospital prom. She wanted to give it to Derek to announce that they were going to be parents, but a series of inconveniences –like someone else's underpants in her husband's pocket– made her store it in the trailer's nightstand and never take it out again.

Olive never actually got to wear it, and Derek never knew of its existence ... until today.

Olive's pregnancy announcement had not been particularly emotional it was an impulse of anger that she had at the moment and later regretted.

The thing is, she had wanted to make that special announcement, and had kept it all this time for that purpose, in case they had another baby.

She just needed some nice paper to wrap the surprise, and she was sure Olive would help her as soon as she told her. She couldn't keep this news from her daughter for much longer.

"Ollie, come and help me with Dad's present," Addison said, sitting on the living room sofa.

The little girl, who was almost five years old, was lying on the carpet and ran over when her mother called.

"What's the present?" she asked.

"It's a very special surprise... that you have to keep a secret until Dad opens it. Can you promise me not to say anything until he opens the package?"

"Yes."

"Really, you can't tell him as soon as you see him. Promise me you will wait for him to see it."

"Yes, I promise. But what is it?"

"You are going to have a baby brother or sister."

"REALLY?" she opened her eyes wide, surprised by what she had just heard.

"Yes, really," she smiled excitedly. She had been waiting months to be able to tell her daughter this news.

"And where is it? I want to see it!"

"It's here," she said, pointing to her belly, "it will grow here. Right now it's the size of a grain of rice, but over the months, it will get bigger and bigger until it's born."

"Oh!"

"Are you happy, my love?"

"Yes! I've always wanted a little brother, Mommy!" she said, hugging her tightly around the neck.

Addison couldn't hold back the tears as she stroked the girl's hair.

"Let's wrap this baby onesie in gift wrap. Okay? And you can give it to him when he comes home from the hospital."

"Can we put my gift in the box too?"

"What gift, my love?"

"A mud and rock cake!"

"Ollie..."

"And it has ants too."

"Hmm ... I don't think Dad would like ants inside the present."

"But they're dead, they won't bite him. Do you want me to bring it?"

"No, come. I want you to make him a drawing."

~•~

"How was the trip to New York? Did you see my bike?" said Mark jokingly as he entered Derek's office.

"I told you to buy a new one, we no longer have the Manhattan house."

"I know, it was a joke. How's Mom? And the girls?"

"They're fine, same as always. They were excited to meet Arleth, it was the first time they saw her. They were charmed by her, she's a very sociable baby."

"What about Olive? Amelia mentioned something briefly. Is she okay?"

"Yes, she's better than ever. She drank two glasses of alcohol from my mother's cabinet, thinking they were magical potions or something."

"I always wanted to try those liqueurs your mother had, they looked delicious."

"Are you serious?"

"I don't blame Olive. I would've done the same prank."

"Well, her prank landed her in the hospital with alcohol poisoning."

"Was it that serious?"

"Not too much, Olive vomited all over me. She managed to avoid getting a stomach pump."

"I love my goddaughter," he said laughing.

"She didn't have any serious repercussions. She was admitted for a day as a precaution, but everything turned out fine. Addison was too stressed. I tried to appear calm in front of her, but the truth was that I was scared to death. We could have lost custody of Olive..."

"Oh, man. Really?"

"A social worker interviewed her to make sure she wasn't being abused by us. I don't know what the girl said, but thank God everything turned out fine. Addison would have died right there if we had to go to court..."

"And your in-laws? Did you go see them?"

"Oh, no. Addison didn't want to. Well, she never wants to, but even less this time. It takes a lot more preparation to go there, going to New York was already quite overwhelming. It always is... it's like traveling to the past, carrying our present with us."

"About the present... I want to kill Karev."

"What did he do now?"

"He's dating Lexie. I think he's her boyfriend."

"You and Lexie haven't been together for several months. Why does it still bother you what she does with her life when you didn't want her in yours?"

"What do you mean? I always wanted to be with her. She didn't want to be with me when Sloan came, or when my grandson was born... or when Sofia was born."

"And you still wonder why? She doesn't want to be a grandmother at 25 or take care of someone else's children. It's enough work to take care of your own..."

"Hey, you're my friend. You're supposed to be on my side."

"I'm sorry, Mark. I can't think about this right now... we had a complicated flight with the baby, my head is about to explode and I still have to deal with Gary Clark's lawsuit. My lawyer abandoned me and I need to find someone to represent me."

"Isn't it a given that you'll win? The guy has no arguments. He doesn't know anything about medicine, he's just a crazy old man."

"He's hurt by the death of his wife. And he's looking to blame someone. And that blame fell on the highest authority he knows..."

"Are you defending him?"

"No. I'm just trying to empathize with him."

"You empathize with a crazy old man but not with your best friend?"

"You know it's not the same. You miss Lexie because of the mess you made with her. Not because someone declared her brain dead... I'm worried about this. I'm worried about my position, my hospital..."

"Don't worry. Everything will be fine. Justice will fall in your favor. You're a star neurosurgeon versus a shaken old man. There's nothing to worry about."

"I hope so..."

"What do you think of Altman? Could I go out with her, right? She's single..."

"Oh, Mark. Can you stop ruining the lives of my medical staff?"

Mark laughed shaking his head.

~•~

"This is definitely the best birthday gift I've ever had," Derek said, caressing Addison's bare back.

"Are you talking about the baby or the post-announcement sex?"

"I think both," he said, laughing and planting a soft kiss on her forehead.

Addison hugged him tighter, starting to get excited again. Would this be the fourteenth time she cried today?

"I can't believe it's really happening. Are you really pregnant?" he asked, smiling at her. His eyes sparkled with excitement and joy.

"My raging hormones aren't a clear enough symptom?" she said, wiping away her tears.

"We're going to have another baby," he laughed.

"We're going to have another baby," she repeated.

For hours they had been in a loop, repeating the same thing a thousand times, incredulous. They felt fortunate and blessed by life to be able to celebrate becoming parents again.

"Another little light like Olive..." Addison smiled excitedly.

"I'm sure it will be a boy this time," he confirmed.

"You said the same thing with Olive..."

"Beginner's mistake. Now I can feel it and I know it's a boy. Derek Junior," he said, placing both hands on Addison's belly.

"Keep dreaming if you think I'll let you name the baby that."

Derek laughed and kissed her again.

"I love you so much, Addie. Thank you for making me so happy. Thank you for allowing me to build this beautiful family with you."

"The magic of Christmas is real..."

"Did you ever have doubts about it?"

~•~

"And? Why are you taking so long? I'm dying with anxiety," said Amelia from the other side of the door. It was almost midnight, they had waited for everyone to go to sleep to take the pregnancy test.

Addison didn't respond to her, and that made her even more nervous. Either she was taking too long to show the result, or she was shocked by what came out.

"Addie, don't make me wait so long... the wait is becoming eternal, I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest from so much anxiety... say something... Are you okay?... Addie?... Can I come in, Addison?"

With no response, Amelia slowly opened the door and found Addison sitting on the floor, with her back against the wall and her legs pulled up. Tears kept falling from her eyes, and from her face, she couldn't tell if she was happy or not.

"Hey... what did it say?"

Addison sighed and extended a trembling hand, showing her the pregnancy test, which had two red lines marked, indicating a positive result.

"Oh, wow... you're actually pregnant."

"I'm pregnant..." she repeated with a faint voice.

"I guess... Congratulations?"

"I don't want another baby!" she exclaimed through tears. Her voice was congested.

"You don't?" she was surprised.

"Amy, I can't have another baby right now. Arleth is only four months old, she... she needs me a lot, we haven't even started complementary feeding, she depends 100% on me, and... she doesn't even want to breastfeed anymore and... oh, that must be it. The hormones... the hormones cause changes in the taste of breast milk and... and... and she rejects me and... and Olive... she's just getting used to having a sister and now... I... I can't, Amelia!" she cried again. She was noticeably nervous.

Amelia sat down next to her on the floor and hugged her, consoling her. Addison cried heavily on her shoulder, totally distressed.

"Hey, it's not good for you to cry like this... you have to calm down."

"I can't, I don't want this. It shouldn't have happened! How was this possible?"

"Well... I think we already know how it happened..."

"With Arleth, I was trying for a year to get pregnant. I injected hormonal stimulants to increase egg production for months and it still didn't work... And now I get pregnant again without even trying? This is ridiculous!"

"Well, you're a gynecologist, you know that it's very likely to get pregnant again after giving birth, it's a more fertile stage..."

"It shouldn't have happened! Oh God, I can't go through another pregnancy, my body won't handle it."

"Of course you can, you've always been able to with everything you've set out to do... you're strong and brave and..."

"Stop encouraging me! This is crap! It's ridiculous that I got pregnant by accident! These are things that happen to irresponsible teenagers, not to a woman over forty years old, an obstetrician-gynecologist! It's the third time it has happened to me!"

"Third time? Didn't you just say that Arleth was planned?"

"I wasn't talking about Arleth, I was talking about the pregnancy with Ella."

"Who is Ella?"

"She... it doesn't matter who she is. Or who she could have been. She doesn't exist and this other one shouldn't exist either!"

"Calm down, Addison. You're reacting like this because of the shock. You have to breathe deeply and calm down."

"I can't! I don't want more children, I don't want another pregnancy! I can barely handle Arleth and Olive... everyone judges me and accuses me of being a bad mother... and I'm supposed to go back to work. I have two departments to take care of and... and... and Derek is never home! I'm always alone with them and I feel like I can't take it anymore. I can't handle another baby!"

"Why don't you talk to Derek and see what solution you can come to?"

"I don't want to tell Derek. He will want the baby! He has always wanted a large family."

"And what will you do?"

"I don't know! The first thing that comes to mind is to have an abortion, but... I can't do it again, the guilt would consume me."

"Okay, I feel like I'm missing a chapter of your life. When did you have an abortion? And why? Was it before or after Olive?"

Addison took a deep breath, still crying.

"I got pregnant by Mark before flying to Seattle. It was an accident... it happened when Derek left New York. I was shattered, and devastated, and... things can always get worse. I moved into Mark's apartment. We lived together for a few months and... I let my guard down, stopped taking the pills regularly, we had sex, and... it happened. You think these things can't happen to you, that they only happen in movies, but... it happened to me. I found out I was pregnant at 2 or 3 weeks, I had always been very regular and that month I was late. I bought a pregnancy test, I didn't believe I was pregnant, I hoped it was a side effect of the disaster my life was at that time but... it was positive. It was the first time I saw a positive pregnancy test of mine."

"Oh..."

"It was a shock for both of us. It was the worst time to bring a baby into the world. My husband had disappeared, moved to who knows where and I didn't know if I would ever see him again and... at the same time, I was here, having a child with his best friend... It sounded terrible. A Forbes Montgomery having a child from an adulterous love? My reputation was plummeting, I couldn't stop thinking about what Bizzy would say, or Derek's family, or what they would comment at the hospital. Under no circumstances was it a good idea to keep that baby, but... we had grown very fond of it. Mark bought her a Yankees onesie and... It was a girl... I'm sure it would have been a girl. She would be about seven years old now and in second grade. Her name would have been Ella," she said, wiping a tear from her eye.

"Oh, Addie."

"I tried to make it work but... it just wasn't meant to be. I found Mark with a nurse in an on-call room. That completely destroyed me and led me to the decision to terminate the pregnancy... with all the pain in the world. Mark had failed me, our attempt at a relationship didn't work... I didn't want to be a single mother in that situation. I... I wanted to start a family with Derek, I wanted to get him back. I couldn't if I had a baby with Mark. As much as he is a good father to Sofia now, he wasn't at that time. He was very irresponsible and womanizer, unable to commit. Neither of us would have been truly happy and... Amelia this that I'm saying so lightly really hurts a lot."

"I know..."

"It's a wound that I don't know if I'll ever be able to close, it was... She was my first baby."

"Oh, Addie..."

"I sometimes wonder what she would look like. Maybe she would have had separated front teeth like me... or Mark's blonde hair, would she look like Olive? What would our life be like if she were here? Seeing Olive grow up, with her intelligence and charm, her antics and mischief, her contagious smile... and to think that Ella could have been like her... These are things that still keep me up at night, still destroy me, and... I can't believe I'm going through the same thing again," she hid her head between her legs and continued crying inconsolably.

Amelia stroked her back and tried to process all the information that Addison had blurted out all at once. They had always been close and told each other everything or almost everything, but this... she even wondered if her brother knew.

Addison cried as if she were broken, and maybe she was because she had confessed for the first time that there was a part of her that was no longer in this world.

"Addie... there will be a solution."

"What solution? Neither of the two options I have will let me live in peace. I can't bear to go through another abortion and I can't have another baby."

"What if you give it up for adoption?"

"Oh, Amelia. Are you serious?"

"I don't know, maybe it's an option."

"I could never live with the guilt of knowing that there is a child of mine and Derek's living with other people. Also, how do I explain it to Derek? Or to my daughters? "Mom didn't want her little brother and that's why she gave him up for adoption?" Or at the hospital when they see me pregnant and then without a baby, I... no, definitely won't do it. Giving it up for adoption is not an option."

"I don't know what to say, Addie."

"There's nothing to say! This is a disaster! My whole life is a disaster," she exclaimed, crying again.

Amelia hugged her, worried. She had never seen Addison cry like this. She had always been the responsible and strong one of the two. The older sister. The sister she turned to whenever she had a problem or needed advice or a hug. She had never had to be on the other side. She wanted to help her but didn't know how. How would she help her? If none of the options were valid for her.

"You should talk to Derek..."

"I don't want to talk to Derek, I already know his stance."

"No, you don't. Maybe he thinks differently than you think, and maybe he can give you a solution that I don't have right now. He's the father, he's your husband..."

"I know, I'm sorry for putting you through this. It's not your fault and I'm burdening you with my problems..."

"Hey, that's what sisters are for. In good times and in bad... right? I want you to know that whatever decision you make, I'll support you. If you want to have another baby, I'll be there to be the best aunt I can be to him or her. I will love them very much, just like I love Olive and Arleth, and they will never lack anything... and if you decide to abort, I'll be there too taking your hand and accompanying you in grief. But I want you to know that I won't leave you, you're not alone. I know you think you are, but you're not. You have me, you have Derek, you have your beautiful daughters... you're not alone, Addie. I want you to make whatever decision you make knowing this: you're not alone."

"Thank you, Amy," she looked at her with teary eyes and she hugged her tight.