Chapter 8
As the days go by, Lena steps back into her role as the CEO of L-Corp, part-time. When she walks through the lavish lobby of her office, when she strides down the halls of her billion-dollar company with confidence, greeted by every employee, she feels in control. Control is something that, especially in recent weeks, had slipped through her fingers like sand. Driven by the desire to reclaim that sensation, Lena works every spare moment not spent on Kara's care with Alex. Conversely, Alex, while juggling her duties as a DEO agent, spends every free moment by Kara's side, although reluctantly. Every time she leaves Kara alone with Lena, she's haunted by a sense of betrayal—betrayal towards Lena, who has generously provided her home and resources, and towards Kara, who would be tormented by guilt if she knew the burden she placed on Lena.
Lena learns from Alex about the physiological differences between Kryptonians and humans and regularly administers the medication Alex provides to ease the withdrawal symptoms, supplementing them occasionally with her own resources to enhance their effectiveness. However, after Kara's second seizure and two back-to-back days spent clinging to the toilet bowl due to unbearable nausea, Alex and Lena decide, after a long discussion, to sedate Kara slightly to help her body recover more effectively. As a result, Kara has been unable to string a coherent sentence together for days, trapped in a delirium induced by fever, withdrawal, or medication.
On the fifth night of Kara's stay at Lena's, her fever finally begins to subside. Lena and Alex promptly reduce the medication dosage to help Kara emerge from her delirious state. That night, Alex is on duty and they decide to let Kara sleep in Lena's bed for a change. Lena sits cross-legged next to Kara, wrapping up the last of her business emails before opening the window to let in some fresh air. Then, she lies down beside Kara. Her thoughts linger on the past few days—she has kept Kara at a distance, minimizing their interactions. Part of her barely tolerates Kara's proximity, yet she deeply misses their closeness. Shaking her head, Lena contemplates the contradiction. Despite Kara having committed possibly the worst betrayal Lena has ever faced—a significant statement considering her family history—Lena still feels irresistibly drawn to this beautiful woman fighting valiantly beside her against severe withdrawal symptoms. Recalling her therapist's words from a recent session, "Forgiveness is not something done for others, but for oneself," Lena knows she will eventually forgive Kara, just not today, nor tomorrow. They both face a long and challenging journey, but if Kara is genuinely committed to overcoming her addiction and willing to explore a future together, Lena is prepared to join her. "You're hopelessly in love, Lena Luthor," she muses with a self-deprecating chuckle. After checking that Kara's fever has significantly reduced, Lena turns off the light and falls asleep.
A few hours later, Lena awakens with a start around 3 AM. Something isn't right. Reaching out instinctively, she finds the other side of the bed cold—Kara is not there. Panicked, Lena checks that the kryptonite lighting is still functioning correctly, and, reassured, she sits up, noticing a sliver of light under the bathroom door. Relieved yet still concerned, she decides to check on Kara. As she opens the door, the sight that greets her momentarily paralyzes her: Kara is hunched miserably over the toilet, her body wracked with sobs and retches. Reacting swiftly, Lena ties back Kara's hair and soothes her until the worst of the nausea passes.
Kara's convulsions finally ease, and she collapses backward onto the cold tile floor, exhausted. Acting on instinct, Lena plants a kiss on Kara's forehead and then fetches a damp cloth and a bottle of water. Returning to the bathroom, she reflects on her actions—must be the exhaustion talking.
Kara murmurs weakly, "I think I'm dying, Lee." Quickly correcting herself, she adds, "Lena, sorry." "Lee is okay," Lena responds softly, settling against the bathroom wall and pulling Kara into a comforting embrace. She hates being called Lena by Kara; before knowing Kara was Supergirl, she had longed for Kara to call her Lee, not Supergirl. Now, that issue was resolved, though it brought many new ones.
She pulls the Blonde up between her legs with the words, "Come here, you'll catch a cold on the cold floor," so that Kara now leans back against Lena's front, also sitting on the warm bathroom rug. Lena's legs are bent so Kara can't slide to one side. Kara has instinctively placed her hands on Lena's thighs, and for a brief moment, Lena's heartbeat accelerates and she closes her eyes. She has missed this closeness so much.
It is the first time in days that Lena feels as if she can breathe again, as if a weight has been lifted from her shoulders, the existence of which she hadn't known until just now. How could she have been so foolish to think that physical distance from Kara could solve any of their problems? She hands Kara the water, a nausea pill, and a peppermint candy. "Here. Drink." Kara does as she is told, and then lets her head fall back on Lena's right shoulder.
Silence surrounds them, and Kara closes her eyes. She listens to Lena's calm heartbeat, which she can feel on her back. She hears Lena breathe and feels the slight breeze brushing her neck with each of Lena's breaths. Lena dabbs a damp cloth over Kara's sweaty forehead and eventually closes her eyes too after brushing a feather-light kiss on Kara's temple. How simple it is to be with Kara here. How uncomplicated. She enjoys the quietness setting in and feels how Kara relaxes significantly in her arms. If only everything could be this simple. But perhaps it is?
"Why are you doing this?" Kara asks after some time. Lena is silent. She has asked herself this question several times in the last few days, and the answer is striking in its simplicity.
"Lee?" Kara turns her head sideways when Lena doesn't answer for several minutes and she believes Lena might have fallen asleep. Instead, she finds herself looking directly into Lena's beautiful eyes. She can't take her eyes off these profound pools. Lena seems to be able to look directly into her soul again. The light, which Lena dimmed when returning to the bathroom, softly reflects in Kara's deep blue eyes, and Lena, in turn, is captivated by the emotions she believes to recognize in them.
She couldn't simply give Kara the answer to her question. Even though it's so simple, it makes her incredibly vulnerable. She therefore responds with, "I'm still angry and hurt, Kara. I want to understand why you acted the way you did," she adds.
Kara nods. A tense silence returns. Only after some time, after Kara has opened and closed her mouth several times, does she respond. "I'm not trying to find an excuse or justify myself," she begins. She puts her head back on Lena's shoulder and looks at the ceiling. It's easier not to look into Lena's eyes.
Then she continues: "Initially, I didn't tell you I was Supergirl to protect myself. But eventually, I did it to protect you. Knowing my secret identity carries dangers…it's dangerous to know me as Supergirl. You know yourself how often criminals try to uncover my identity. The fear that the world could ever find out that Supergirl is Kara Danvers gives me more sleepless nights than you can imagine. The certainty that my identity as Supergirl puts my Kara family and Kara friends in danger makes me so fearful that there are days I want to leave the world forever to eliminate this danger for good." Lena feels how Kara cramps up with fear and worry, how much these words emotionally affect her. "And putting you in danger by telling you who I am was simply unthinkable. I was deeply torn between the lie I had to live with and the knowledge that you would be safe. I'm sorry I lied to you. That wasn't right." Kara takes a deep breath and leans slightly back. She needs to look at Lena when she says the next words. "I fell in love with you during our first encounter in your office, with Clark. And with every second we spent together, I fell harder and stronger for you. Only, I didn't know it for a long time. I've never had many friends. I thought my feelings were normal, I thought that's how it is among friends. With you, I could always just be Kara, not Supergirl. I didn't have to be a superhero with you. And then came the red kryptonite. When I landed on your balcony that evening and saw you bent over your laptop, so beautiful, so intelligent, so kind, it suddenly became clear to me why I can hear your heartbeat as the only one throughout the entire city. Why this regular rhythm always calms me. Why I'm magically drawn to you on my worst days, needing your proximity, needing to hear your voice. Even that evening, when rage consumed me. When I wanted to see the world and all its people perish. I came to you to find peace, and I could feel how I was losing self-control. I'm sorry I seduced you, used you. And that I always left you afterwards. I was a jerk." Kara lowers her head. "And I'm sorry I asked for your help, that I just showed up here and expected you to help me. I'm sorry I had a relapse—that I chose the drugs over you. I was so foolish. And I can understand that you're angry, that you're hurt. And I can't understand why you don't just run away." A single tear makes its way down Kara's cheek.
Before Lena realizes what she's doing, she kisses away the tear just before it reaches Kara's mouth corner. Dangerously close to Kara's mouth. "I love you, Kara. That's why I'm doing this," Lena whispers, barely audible, answering Kara's first question. Silence returns and Lena's gaze wanders to Kara's mouth. The distance would be so easy to bridge. And yet, it seems as if worlds lie between them. Kara lowers her head and places her forehead against Lena's cheek. "I don't deserve that," she responds just as quietly. The minutes pass and Lena weighs her options. Should she accept the answer silently, or should she respond? She decides on the latter just as Kara speaks again. "Which version of me do you love?" Kara breathes.
"You. All versions of you, because they are all part of you. And yes, you do deserve it. We all make mistakes. You don't have to be flawless just because you're Supergirl. You're also human." Lena air quotes the word human. "And we humans make mistakes. We make poor decisions. We say and do things. I've thought a lot. Who am I not to forgive you, especially when your motives weren't malicious? I shouldn't have yelled at you. Who am I, with my own demons and flaws, to blame you without asking you for reasons? I never tried to put myself in your place and try to understand why you acted the way you did. I'm really sorry, Kara. And I shouldn't have slept with you as Supergirl when my heart belonged to Kara Danvers. My luck that you're the same person," Lena smirks mischievously. "I love you too, Lee," Kara whispers.
"I know." Kara feels Lena's smile on her forehead, hears it in her voice, and smiles as well. Both whisper so softly that the words are barely audible. Intended only for their ears. As if they wanted to exclude the world and all the catastrophes surrounding them for a moment. As if they wanted to create a bubble that belongs only to them. Lena gently reaches for Kara's chin and lifts her head again so they can look at each other. This time, she overcomes the distance between their mouths and breathes a tender kiss onto Kara's lips. Kara returns the kiss. It is innocent and gentle, but it gives Kara hope. "Is there a chance for us?" she asks as she lays her head in the crook of Lena's neck and kisses her there, where she can see Lena's pulse quicken. "I firmly believe so," Lena answers.
Kara yawns suddenly, and her cheeks redden with embarrassment. "Sorry, totally bad timing, but I'm so unbearably tired." Lena laughs, gets up, and pulls Kara up with her. "Then let's sleep, gorgeous."
Kara brushes her teeth and then follows Lena into the bedroom, where Lena already lies in bed with open arms. Kara doesn't hesitate for a second and lays down beside Lena, her right leg and right arm over Lena. "God, how I've missed you," she murmurs sleepily as Lena scratches her lower back. "I've missed you too." It doesn't take long for Lena to finally fall into the first peaceful sleep in days.