A/N: Warning: major angst.

The next day, Spencer got home around mid-morning. One look at his face was enough to make Jessica's heart sink. "Is she…"

"Gone," Spencer confirmed, swallowing. He walked over to the couch and sank onto it, still looking shell-shocked. "The unsub had stabbed her in the gut right before we found her. We got her to the hospital, but she never made it off the table. I never even got to say good-bye…"

Jessica also swallowed. "I hadn't seen her since that time she brought Sergio over. I don't even remember what was the last thing I said to her…"

"And to add insult to injury, the unsub escaped," Spencer added bitterly. He started absently scratching at the insides of his elbows.

Jessica stiffened. "Roll up your sleeves," she commanded sternly.

"What?" Spencer signed indignantly.

"Roll up your sleeves. Now."

Spencer rolled up his sleeves, showing that he had no track marks. "I'm fine, see?"

"Give me your bag," Jessica demanded, unconvinced.

"Emily is dead, and this is how you mourn her?!" Spencer signed angrily.

"I'm sure Emily wouldn't want you to fall off the wagon any more than I do, so this is as much for her as it is for either of us," Jessica retorted. "Besides, you once told me that if you ever take offense at me checking, I should take it as a sign that there's something to find. And we both know your last slip-up happened when you were in a very stressful situation in a hospital. So hand it over."

"Fine." Spencer rolled his eyes and made a big show of handing over his bag.

Jessica searched the bag. Nothing. Still not convinced, she looked up at Spencer. "Turn out your pockets."

"You're being ridiculous."

"If I'm being ridiculous, then you have nothing to lose by turning out your pockets."

"I may not be your legal guardian any more, but that doesn't mean you suddenly get to tell me what to do."

Jessica pulled her phone out of her pocket and backed out of Spencer's reach. "Okay, then how about I text Hotch? He can tell you what to do. Or maybe I should text Maeve. I'm sure she'd love an excuse to grope around in your pockets…"

"All right, you win!" Spencer snapped. He pulled a small bottle out of his pocket and hurled it at Jessica, hitting her in the eye. He immediately looked horrified. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"Any others?" Jessica cut him off, furious. When Spencer shook his head, Jessica wordlessly snatched up the bottle and stormed out of the apartment, heading down to the dumpster. She quickly disposed of the drug, then sank to the ground, shaking with sobs.

What felt like a very long time later, someone crouched down by Jessica. She blearily looked up and saw Maeve giving her a look of concern. "Hello there."

Jessica scowled and waved, not really in the mood to deal with company.

"Mind explaining why you're crying by a dumpster and your cousin thinks that seeing him would only upset you further?"

Jessica took out her phone again. "Yes, I do mind, actually," she typed rather forcefully.

"…all right. Do you think you could at least continue this inside, where it's cleaner?"

Jessica shook her head. "I don't want to see Spencer right now."

"He told me to tell you that he won't leave his room until you're ready to talk to him."

Jessica glared mutinously at Maeve, then reluctantly stood up and led the way back up to the apartment.

Once inside, Jessica sat down on the now-vacant couch and scowled at the window, ignoring her unwanted companion. Maeve tried to sit next to Jessica, but Bianca leaped onto the back of the couch and hissed at her. Maeve reluctantly scooted away to the other end of the couch. Bianca settled on Jessica's lap, continuing to glare suspiciously at Maeve. Jessica absently petted the cat. Maeve patiently waited.

Fifteen minutes later, Jessica started and ran to the bathroom, dislodging Bianca. She anxiously checked her reflection, worried that the bottle might have left a mark, but her eyes merely looked red from crying. She returned to the living room, where Bianca had run off in protest after being unceremoniously dumped. Jessica sat down closer to Maeve and pulled out her phone. "What are you doing here?"

"Spencer called me. He said one of his colleagues was killed last night, and he unfairly took out his grief on you. He's worried about you and he hoped that a third party might be able to help you."

Jessica snorted bitterly. "'Took his grief out on me'…that's an interesting way of putting it."

"How would you put it, then?" Maeve asked mildly.

Jessica tried to think of a reply that wouldn't expose Spencer's darkest secret, but she soon ended up bursting into tears all over again. Maeve cautiously moved closer and put an arm around Jessica.

At long last, Jessica got a sufficient grip on her emotions to type a response. "I can't trust Spencer. I love him, but I haven't completely trusted him in years, and I probably never will again."

"Why not?"

Jessica shook her head. "That's his story to tell."

Maeve clearly wasn't sure what to say to that. "…well, it seems pretty clear to me that he loves you too."

"I never said he didn't. It's complicated."

Once again, Maeve looked unsure what to say to that. "Well…do you feel comfortable sharing? I understand if it's none of my business, but I can't help if I don't know what the problem is."

"I DO know what the problem is and sometimes I feel like I still can't help. Our friend is DEAD and the only thing I could do about it was" Jessica abruptly cut herself off and backspaced, though she knew Maeve had seen what she typed. "My friend is dead and the first thing I did after finding that out was to get in a fight with Spencer. I couldn't even give Emily my full attention for more than two minutes. She deserves better than that."

"If she cared as much for you as you clearly do for her, I think what would matter most to her would be that you and Spencer move past it. So long as the two of you make up, I think she'll forgive you," Maeve suggested.

Jessica snorted bitterly again. "CAN the dead forgive?"

"I like to think they can. No one has ever proved they can't."

Jessica swallowed. "I hope you're right."

Maeve continued to sit there with her arm around Jessica, not sure how else to help. She didn't want to pry when both cousins were so clearly grief-stricken, and yet…she really wanted to know what on earth her new boyfriend had done that led his closest family to never trust him again. Some day soon, she would have to ask Spencer for his side of the story—for her own peace of mind.

Maeve had left and it was nearly dinnertime when Jessica finally went to talk to Spencer. The moment she opened his door, he looked up and anxiously scrutinized her face, searching for signs of injury. He gave a slight sigh of relief when he didn't see any. "Again, I am extremely sorry about what happened earlier."

Jessica closed the door and gave him a flat look. "Even when you were using, you never threw anything at me."

Spencer grimaced. "I know. I'm sorry. In my defense—small though it may be—I wasn't consciously trying to hit you. I just threw the bottle in frustration, and…ended up throwing it in your direction." He took a deep breath. "But regardless of my intent, I did hit you, and that was inexcusable. I want to promise you it will never happen again, but…I don't know how to guarantee that." He swallowed and looked up at her, looking more vulnerable than Jessica had ever seen him.

Jessica sighed and sat next to him, thinking very carefully about what to say next. "You say it was a mistake, right?"

"Mistake or not, it was unacceptable."

"It was a mistake," Jessica plowed on, "and mistakes can be learned from. If—god forbid—I ever catch you with drugs again, you'll have this memory to remind you not to throw them."

Spencer swallowed again. "I hope you're right. I hate this. I hate that there are times when I lose control of myself. I hate that even after what happened earlier, it's taking every ounce of my resolve to stay here and not go looking for more. I hate knowing that if you hadn't confiscated it, I probably would have used that bottle by now. It shouldn't be your job to keep me clean."

"It shouldn't have been your job to look after your mother, either," Jessica pointed out. "But you did it anyway, because you love her. I love you, Spencer, even on days like today. Obviously I'd prefer it if you never had a problem with drugs in the first place, but you didn't ask for this to happen. Life dealt us a bad hand. All we can do is make the best of it."

"But my problems shouldn't be your problems too," Spencer argued.

"That's what family is for," Jessica countered. "You don't have to deal with your problems alone. And I'm not a minor any more, so CPS can't take me away. I'm going to stand by you, Spencer, no matter what." She gave Spencer a hug, which he very hesitantly returned.

After nearly a minute, Spencer pulled away. "Thank you," he signed, managing a small smile. "I love you too. More than you can know."

Jessica smiled back at him. After a few moments' pause, she signed again. "Why did you call Maeve instead of someone from the team?"

"I didn't want to worry them with how close I came to relapse when they're already mourning Emily."

Jessica raised an eyebrow. "So instead you called someone who doesn't even know about the drugs? Not only that, but someone whom I barely know and who doesn't sign?"

"…all right, I didn't really think that one through," Spencer admitted.

"I guess neither of us is thinking entirely clearly today," Jessica conceded.

Spencer suddenly gave her a wary look. "What exactly did you tell Maeve?"

"I didn't explicitly mention drugs, but…I did let slip enough that you may have some awkward questions to answer later. Sorry."

Spencer sighed. "I suppose that's a fair punishment. I did plan to tell her if things got serious, but…not quite this soon."

"Just make sure you make it clear that you never intended to start in the first place. If she can't understand that, then I don't think she was the one for you anyway."

"We'll see," Spencer signed nervously.

Jessica gave him another hug, then took a deep breath and pulled away. "Now, you need a healthier way to grieve. Tell me some stories about Emily."

Spencer looked around the room for inspiration, and caught sight of a film canister he'd left on his desk. "There was one time when I accidentally hit her with a physics magic rocket…"

The next day, Jessica insisted on staying home from school. Partly because she was still reeling from losing Emily, but also partly because she was afraid to leave Spencer alone. Spencer didn't object; he himself was afraid of what he would do if left to his own devices.

Late that afternoon, the cousins answered the door to find that Beth and Claire had come over with a tin of homemade chocolate chip cookies. "We're very sorry for your loss," Claire signed. "Let us know if there's anything else we can do."

"Can you turn back time and prevent Emily's death?" Jessica signed wryly.

"Give me a few years, I'll invent something," Beth offered. She paused, then signed again. "While I'm at it, I'll bring back your parents too."

"Just make sure you can do it without destroying the space-time continuum," Claire warned.

"You doubt my abilities?" Beth asked haughtily.

"No, I doubt science's abilities," Claire retorted.

"Science can do everything," Beth insisted. "Some things just take longer than others."

"Well, thanks for trying," Jessica signed sadly. She looked around and noticed that the cookie tin was open and Spencer was gone. Her eyes widened. "Did either of you see where Spencer went?"

"Back to his room, it looked like," Beth replied. "He took the cat with him."

"Oh, okay," Jessica signed, relieved.

Claire raised an eyebrow. "Why, where did you think he went?"

"I don't know," Jessica signed evasively. "I just don't want to lose him too."

Beth patted Jessica's shoulder. "I think he'll be safe at home. And it's not February 5th."

"That didn't save Emily," Jessica pointed out.

"…well, he's off-duty and probably keeps a gun in his room somewhere. I still say he's safe here," Beth insisted.

"I hope so," Jessica signed, unwilling to admit what she was really afraid of.

Spencer decided to give Maeve a call while Jessica was occupied with her friends. He was a bit nervous about how this would go, but he figured it was best to get it out of the way before Maeve's imagination had a chance to run wild. He took a deep breath before placing the call.

Maeve picked up on the first ring. "Hello."

"Hi," Spencer replied, his mouth suddenly dry. "I, uh…I wanted to apologize for yesterday. I dragged you into an argument that had nothing to do with you, and I'm sorry about that."

"Yeah…I'll admit, I was kinda confused. Some of the things Jessica said…I'm really hoping there was some important context I was missing."

"What exactly did she say?" Spencer asked nervously.

"Something about how she doesn't feel she can trust you."

Spencer sighed. "I don't blame her. In fact, I've outright told her not to, because I don't trust myself any more. I, um…" He broke off and swallowed.

"…Why don't you trust yourself?" Maeve prompted.

"Because I…look, I really should start at the beginning." Spencer swallowed. "A little over four years ago, I was kidnapped by an unsub with Dissociative Identity Disorder. He held me for two days. I…I won't go into detail about everything he did to me, but one of the personalities repeatedly drugged me with Dilaudid. By the time my team found me, I'd been given enough of the drug to form a dependency, and…I had PTSD. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to fight it. And I…I wasn't pleasant, when I was using. After about a month, Jessica caught me with track marks, and she confronted me. I…didn't take it well. I said some nasty things, tried to manipulate her into keeping quiet about it, and I guess it worked. She didn't tell anyone, but when I got home from our next case, she'd left a note telling me that she was staying with our technical analyst, and she refused to come home until I quit. And by then, I'd already realized I'd crossed a line. So, with considerable difficulty and help from another colleague, I got clean. And I've been clean ever since, but…it hasn't been easy. The cravings never truly go away. Stress makes it worse. There have been a couple occasions when I've gone so far as to steal more of the drug from the hospital. Luckily, Jessica has always caught me before I reach the point of actually using it. That's what happened yesterday morning. Jessica spotted the warning signs, I tried to deflect her, and things got a little…heated. We've talked it out now, but I still wish I could take it back. She was only trying to save me from myself, and…I don't like the person that the drugs turn me into. I wish I could promise you'll never meet him, but I can't be sure of that." Spencer finally trailed off, not sure what else to say.

Maeve was silent for a long time. Long enough that Spencer grew increasingly certain she was about to break up with him. But when she finally spoke, she surprised him. "You got clean," she said quietly. "I know that's a lot harder than it sounds. Even if you needed help, staying clean for four years is pretty impressive. And from what you told me, it sounds like it wasn't even your fault you got hooked in the first place. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

Spencer grimaced. "You might not say that if you'd seen me yesterday morning."

"Everyone has bad days, Spencer. We all do things we regret sometimes. The key is to acknowledge our failings and strive to overcome them. You've already acknowledged them and it certainly sounds like you're striving to overcome them. That's all I or anyone else can truly ask of you." Maeve took a deep breath. "So if you're worried I'm going to break up with you over this, stop worrying. I'm proud of you for being so strong and happy that you confided in me. Even if I did kinda demand answers," she added wryly.

"Thank you," Spencer said, enormously relieved. "You have no idea how much that means to me."

"You're welcome." There was a noise in the background. "Aaand it sounds like my dinner's ready. I'll talk to you later."

"Talk to you later. Bye."

"Bye."

Spencer put down his phone and collapsed onto his bed next to Bianca, feeling like the weight of the world had been taken off his shoulders. Bianca padded onto his lap and started nuzzling him, purring.

Jessica returned to school the next day, after making arrangements with Morgan to make sure that Spencer would not be left alone at any point while she was out. They kept up the arrangement every day until the team returned to work—just to be on the safe side. Maeve proved to be far more supportive than Spencer had dared hope for, coming by every day after work to offer a shoulder to cry on. By the time Emily's funeral was held, Spencer felt a great deal more confident in his self-control…though he knew the grief wouldn't be going away any time soon.