CHAPTER 12 - MENDED HEARTS
Notes:
And here we go, the reconciliation! As I said, this is probably one of my favourite moments of the entire story so far. Let's go!
The castle was eerily silent at this hour. Not even the staircases seemed to move and creak in the dead of night. Harry walked through the corridors with silent steps, letting his feet guide him to wherever they wanted to go, his mind deep in thought.
After he'd left the Hospital Wing, Harry had barricaded himself in the Gryffindor common room and refused to go for lunch or even dinner. Kreacher had attempted to coax him to the Great Hall, saying that the Professors might miss him, but Harry knew they wouldn't. He'd spent days eating at the common room and not seeing the Professors, they would assume he was just busy or didn't feel like coming down.
Now, with the darkness enveloping him and sure that he wouldn't encounter anyone, Harry walked around the Hogwarts corridors. His steps were mostly silent but to Harry's ears, they almost echoed in the silence of the castle.
He knew he wasn't breaking any school rules. It was late at night but there was no curfew to speak of during the summer - and if there was, nobody had cared to tell him. Besides, he was 17, almost 18 years old. And he had defeated the most horrible dark wizard of his time, for crying out loud! He had a right to walk around the school at night.
He knew this kind of thinking would bring him trouble during the school year, and he bowed to himself to stick to the rules this time round.
But this time, at least today, he needed the solitude and the corridors to clear his head.
He'd spent all day replaying the scene in his head, thinking what had gone wrong, what he could've said or done differently. He knew he'd given in to his anger, but why had Snape reacted like that? He couldn't say. He had no idea what had happened to him.
The day before he had been okay. Snape had even told him he'd listened to his advice and accepted the post as Potions Master, leaving McGonagall to take the post as Headmistress. They had even discussed books, and how he'd asked Slughorn to stay for a few months, to help him until he was completely recovered.
For Merlin's sake, Snape had even told Harry about the day he received his first Hogwarts letter. He'd told him about his family, and about Lily! It was the first time ever that Snape had opened up to Harry and openly discussed anything related to his mum. He still could feel his heart flutter at Snape's words, how he described the Lily that he knew and remembered. Harry had taken a lot after her, it seemed, though he'd never known that.
So, Snape had been fine the day before. There had to be something else going on.
During the entire day, Harry had had to fight against his instincts, his desire to just run to the Hospital Wing and put some sense into Snape. What the hell had happened? One day Snape was great, almost unrecognisable, opening up to him, talking and even teasing him. And the next one, he was cold, hateful and spitting venom?
Maybe he thought he'd opened up too much. After all, Snape was probably not used to speaking about personal matters, and much less with a Potter.
Perhaps he thought I'd betray him or I'd divulge whatever he told me, Harry thought to himself.
He sighed and shook his head, his feet taking him to the third floor. The stone torches lit up as he walked through, and he wrapped his cloak a bit more around himself, the nights cooler in the Scottish highlands.
But then, that grimace of pain made Harry stop dead in his tracks, grabbing onto one of the stone torches for support.
Harry had mentioned he would visit him that evening, after Diagon Alley, but he never showed, and Snape had reproached him for it. Harry had thought he was blowing it way out of proportion, he was just too tired to see him that evening, what was wrong with that?
But then he remembered the flicker of pain in Snape's eyes. That look had been holding a desperate plea, though his mouth had spat vile words. Harry froze, the memory of the flicker of pain in Snape's eyes hitting him like a curse.
Did Snape really think Harry had been using him? That he was leaving him behind now that his friends were coming back?
His mind conjured a flashback of the conversation with McGonagall that Harry interrupted, in which Snape looked at him with a plea in his eyes.
It was the exact same look, the same call for help. It lasted for a mere split second, but it was enough for Harry's instincts to react and take over.
He also remembered how Snape had looked at him when Harry suggested levitating him to heal his blisters. His lower lip had quivered, his eyes open wide in a silent plea. Desperate, scared and upset.
And then, Snape's words that morning. He'd accused him of playing with him. Of using him for some sick and morbid satisfaction, only to then abandon him when his friends came back. But those eyes...
Harry had been too blinded in his anger and confusion, but he remembered seeing a flicker of something he didn't immediately recognize. Something akin to fear, pain and vulnerability.
"Oh, Merlin…" Harry whispered in the silence of the corridor, his hand coming to cover his mouth.
Snape had been saying hateful things, probably born out of fear and pain, but he had been begging Harry. He'd been begging for something that Harry hadn't seen, so blinded by his instant reaction and his fall into old habits.
The realization hit Harry like a thunderclap, sending a shiver down his spine. Harry's heart clenched painfully as he realized Snape's harsh words had been a familiar pattern of verbal abuse he'd fallen into too easily.
But those words had belied something hidden deep within.
Harry's breath quickened, and a lump formed in his throat. The strong pull he'd been feeling all day intensified, and a stronger urge to go to Snape surged through him. His body felt as though it were on fire, every nerve ending tingling with the urgent need to act.
He had to find Snape.
He had to see him, he had to show him he wasn't alone, that he hadn't left.
Snape would most likely be asleep, being so late as it was, but he just couldn't bring himself to keep away from him any longer. As quickly but as silently as he could, his feet took him down the marble staircase, taking two steps at a time, and off to the first floor, where the Hospital Wing was. He slowly pushed the door open, mindful of the creaking of the old hinges when he did so.
He was about to cast a Lumos, but the light was too bright and cold for that, and he didn't want to wake Snape up. He grabbed one of the candles close to the door, and snapping his fingers, he lit it.
He then tiptoed towards the bed, his breathing intensifying, when his eyes fell onto the man lying on the bed. Or he should be, as the man wasn't lying on the bed, but sitting, his back propped with some cushions.
A dagger pierced Harry's heart when he saw his eyes. They were red-rimmed and wet, the eyelashes clung together. Traces of tears, dry and fresh, scarred his pale cheeks.
Snape had been crying.
Crying.
The realisation made Harry dizzy, and a pang of guilt surged through him. How long had Snape been suffering in silence, how had he missed such anguish?
The man's black eyes returned the stare, blinking as more tears escaped, his eyebrows rising in surprise.
His mouth opened as he breathed in, his sharp intake of breath audible in the otherwise silent room.
"Y-you're back…" Snape's voice cracked with disbelief.
Harry wanted to say something, anything, but the words died in his mouth when Snape's eyes welled and a low noise, like a whimper, came out of his mouth. His hands trembled as he clutched at the bedsheets, and his jaw clenched and bit his lower lip as he attempted to choke back tears.
Harry's heart broke at the sight. He had never seen Snape so vulnerable, so exposed.
A sob emerged from the depths of Snape's throat, and he covered his face with his hands, his body trembling as his head bowed down.
At that, Harry reacted on instinct, in just a few strides he was beside the bed, sitting down on the mattress. He leaned forward, gently grabbing Snape's hands and pushing them away from his face.
"Snape... please, look at me," Harry whispered in a soft voice.
He shook his head, still with his head hung low, desperate and heartbreaking sobs along with mumbled, incoherent words coming out of his mouth.
Harry then, cupped his cheeks with his hands, forcing him to look up, to lock eyes with him.
"Hey, hey... Severus. Look, it's me. It's Harry," he said, his voice comforting, deep, and rumbling in his chest, "I'm back, I'm here..."
He almost missed the moment he said his name, it felt natural, instinctual. But the reaction it got from him was worth it.
Severus gasped; his mumbling and sobbing halting for one second as his eyes stared at him, blinking.
"H-Harry? Y-you... c-came back?"
Severus's voice was pitiful, terrified.
Harry's heart twisted painfully at Severus's tear-streaked face, the realization hitting him like a punch to the gut. Guilt washed over him, and he nodded his head, his thumbs stroking Severus's flushed wet cheeks. How, how could he have left him alone, to wallow alone in this sea of pain?
"Yes, I'm back. I'm sorry I left," he whispered, reassuring him, "I'm sorry, Severus, I'm sorry... I should've seen this..."
Severus's breath quickened; the raw need and agonizing pain in his eyes cut through Harry's defences. His mind raced with the realization of how deeply he had misjudged Severus's pain, every cell in his body tingling with the urgent need to provide comfort and reassurance.
Severus blinked. Tears escaped his black eyes and rolled down his cheeks; the magnitude of his fear and pain was staggering.
"Come here…" Harry said, gently pulling him in.
Severus's body fell in his arms, almost as if he didn't have the strength any longer. As if he had given up.
However, the moment his arms wrapped around the thin body it was as if a dam had been broken. Severus's body began to shake and his sobs became audible, and he hid his face in Harry's clothes, letting his hair cover him.
"Merlin, you're trembling… shhhh it's okay…" Harry whispered as he tightened his hold on the man. His body was shuddering with tremors, hiding as he buried his face in Harry's shoulder.
Severus's words, said in between hitched sobs and breaths, caught Harry off-guard.
"I-I don't want to… I shouldn't have... I c-can't lose you一like I lost… her一"
Harry felt himself almost die a second time.
Of course Severus would remember the way he lost Lily.
Of course he would imagine the son would leave him, just like the mother had done before.
Leaving him alone.
The desperate way Severus held onto him told Harry of his breaking point, his desperation, his terror.
Harry had spent the day trying to calm his anger and understand the situation, oblivious to Severus's mounting fears. Fears that, by staying away from him and the Hospital Wing, had confirmed to Severus what he always thought.
That he was destined to be alone and abandoned by everyone.
But not anymore.
He pulled him ever tighter to himself, holding onto him, his arms surrounding him. Protecting him.
"Shhh no, you won't lose me... I'm here, I won't go..."
Harry held him, Severus's back curved as he pressed his forehead from his shoulder to his chest and he rubbed his cheeks with his clothes.
It felt as though he was trying to impregnate himself with Harry's scent, convince himself that Harry was here, that he was back. It nearly brought tears to Harry's eyes, to see Severus so desperately seek affection and reassurance. Something in his lower belly twisted inside of him, and he shook his head, desperately wanting to soothe him and allay his fears.
"You won't lose me, okay? I'm right here, I won't leave…" Harry whispered to his ear, gently rubbing his back up and down.
Harry had no idea how long they sat in the same position. In the distance, a grandfather clock ticked the passing of time, but neither paid any attention.
And he had no intention of letting Severus go. Neither did Severus, judging from the way he was still hiding against Harry's chest, small sobs and whimpers coming out.
Until, finally and gradually, Severus's sobs started to recede.
Harry waited, mindful that they had never had so much contact before and careful to respect his wishes if this was too much for Severus. But he pressed himself more against him, taking a deep breath in, burying his face in Harry's neck.
Harry understood and tightened his hold on him, one of his hands coming up to his hair and gently playing with it, caressing the scalp.
"Shhh it's alright, I'm not going anywhere… just breathe," he encouraged him.
Finally, Severus's breathing evened out and he swallowed and cleared his throat. He pulled away very slightly, his movements slow and guarded. Harry tilted his head, and cupped Severus's cheeks with his hands.
"Hey," he whispered with an encouraging smile, leaning forward so he could look at him in the eye. Their faces were so close he could feel Severus's breathing, "are you back with me?"
Severus nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving Harry's.
His thumb began to stroke Severus's stubbly cheeks, red and tear-stricken, as he wiped away the traces the tears had left. His eyes, red-rimmed and with huge and wet eyelashes, were looking at him. They were still misty and glistening; and full of emotions that went straight to Harry's heart. Severus's long, cold fingers crept to Harry's wrists, wrapping themselves around and keeping Harry's hands in place.
"It's alright, I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry I left and made you think I would abandon you."
Harry purposefully avoided mentioning Lily, at least for now. He still cupped his cheeks, feeling Severus's thin fingers on his wrists, the index finger atop his pulse point.
Harry continued to speak in a soft tone, his face close to Severus's.
"We will need to talk about what happened this morning. But I won't go away. You have my word."
Severus hadn't spoken yet, his eyes boring into his, his lips tensed. He just seemed to be making sure that Harry was there.
"I really am sorry I didn't come last night. I told you I would come but I was exhausted and figured you'd be asleep anyway," Harry gave as an explanation. He sighed, "I didn't stop to think about how you'd feel about me not coming, and that was wrong of me. We had a routine and I broke that, I'm sorry."
Severus swallowed and cleared his throat. He then let go of Harry's wrists, his hands falling onto his lap, as did Harry's.
"It was more than that, Potter," Said Severus in a throaty voice.
And then, when Harry's eyes locked into Severus's, he saw the sadness, the pain, the fear.
His stomach churned uncomfortably as Severus spoke.
"I apologise for my… reaction this morning. It was out of proportion, and my words were uncalled for," he said.
Severus sniffled and swallowed, clearing his throat, seemingly attempting to compose himself a bit.
"I know you have friends… while I'm just the greasy bat of the dungeons… the Death Eater who killed Dumbledore," Severus said, and his voice sounded detached. "I simply should have taken what you offered with no expectations or hopes…"
Harry then sighed, taking stock of Severus.
He sat on the bed with his back propped on pillows, his shoulders slouched and his gaze fixed down on the bedsheets covering his legs. The dim candlelight flickered, casting shadows that danced across his haggard face. His hands trembled as he clutched the bedsheets in between his fingers.
Harry could feel the tension in the man, the inner turmoil within him.
"Severus, look at me, please," he said.
Severus raised his gaze, blinking slowly.
"That is not true. You are not a Death Eater, haven't been one for many years. And you are not just the man that killed Dumbledore."
"But I did. I killed him, I-"
"And everyone knows it was a plot. I know it was a plot. I don't blame you for killing him, why do you?"
Severus looked down, his eyes downcast and avoiding Harry's gaze, and he sniffled.
Harry's hand found Severus's and placed itself on top of his, the thumb slowly drawing soothing circles on the back of his hand.
"In any case, it goes deeper than that, doesn't it?" Harry asked.
Severus looked at him, blinking.
"You thought that now I had my friends back, I wouldn't care about you. That I only did this because I had some morbid fascination for looking after you and helping you heal."
Severus nodded his head, once, his eyes closing shut. But Harry put a finger under his chin, raising his gaze.
"No, I need you to hear this, Severus. I need you to hear that I helped you because I wanted to. It was my choice, and I made it. Because I care about you."
Harry could hear Severus's sharp intake of breath, could almost hear his heart halting his pounding in his chest at his words.
Disbelief mingled with flickers of hope in his eyes, as Harry's words hung heavily in the air.
As he gently brushed Severus's hair away from his face with a finger, Severus's gaze met his. Searching, vulnerable, and touched by an emotion Harry had rarely seen in those dark eyes.
His lower lip quivered and trembled, and his eyes filled with tears that he blinked, in an attempt to dispel them.
"You have believed all the lies your mind tells you about my reasons, but they are just that. Lies that your mind creates to protect you," Harry said, his voice soft, "I do care about you. Hell, I spent the entire day talking about you to my friends! And I got the things you asked for, just like we agreed. I was coming back, no doubt about it."
He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Severus's, whose breath faltered as their foreheads touched.
"And I want you to understand this, Severus. Regardless of what your mind tells you, I am not going to disappear. I am not leaving. What we have is real, the friendship we are creating is real. I chose to be here, remember? And I still choose to be here."
Severus seemed he couldn't speak. But his reaction was as immediate as it was instinctual, a small whimper coming out of the back of his throat as his hands desperately grabbed Harry's shirt. Harry then sighed, leaning more against Severus.
"It's okay. I know that losing people but especially her, that her… passing affected you in many ways. Some of them forever. But I am not her. And I won't go," he said, his voice soft, soothing.
Severus's lower lip quivered and he blinked as he seemed to choke back tears.
"I won't go. I'm here," he repeated, looking straight into Severus's black eyes, willing him to believe, "I'm staying."
There was a vulnerability in those dark eyes, a fear that Harry recognized all too well.
He then wrapped his arm around Severus's shoulder, pulling him in, and letting him rest his body against his.
As he held him, Harry leaned his head forward, pressing a gentle kiss on the top of Severus's head. His body seemed to melt under Harry's gentle touch, and his eyes closed, his shoulders slouching in relief. He pressed himself more, hiding his face for a moment, before breathing out.
"I'm sorry... I do not know what got into me..." Severus whispered.
Harry only shook his head, looking down so he could gaze at Severus's dark eyes.
"I think I do... I think that you realised you actually cared for me too, and the fear of losing me when you had already opened up to me was reopening very old and painful wounds. Am I right?"
Severus avoided his gaze but nodded once.
"Your reaction is understandable, given your past. But despite what your mind is telling you, what we've been building these last few weeks is real. I like you, for you. As I said before, and will repeat until you believe me, I do care about you."
He leaned forward, his voice going down a notch.
"And it seems... you do that too, don't you?"
A pinkish colour tainted Severus's cheeks as he hid his face in Harry's clothes, but he nodded.
Harry chuckled, tightening his hold on him.
"You are... far more than James's son or even Lily's son..." Severus said in a low voice, "and I'm beginning to understand why people around you are so loyal to you..."
Harry smiled, his heart fluttering at Severus's words.
Ever since they'd met each other, Severus had only seen James Potter in him. Two months ago, when he was sprawled on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, about to die, he had seen Lily in his green eyes.
For so long, Harry had only been a ghost of his parents and the profound impact they'd had on Severus.
But now, in this moment, Severus was seeing him. For him.
Just Harry.
"You did say my name, earlier," Harry whispered, suddenly recalling it, "you can say my name as many times as you want. I'll be here every single time."
Severus breathed out, his body heavy against him, as if he'd shaken a huge weight off his shoulders.
"Thank you... Harry."
Harry's smile grew wider, a stupid grin painted on his lips. A deep warmth and a sense of belonging washed over him, it was a feeling so powerful he had rarely felt it before.
Their relationship had shifted. The acknowledgement of a bond that was beginning to form between them made his heart swell with gratitude and affection. This was something real, something entirely their own.
A contented sigh escaped Severus's lips, and Harry's smile widened so much his cheeks hurt. He gently tangled his fingers in Severus's long hair and stroked the scalp, realising just now how long it had grown.
"I think we need to wash and cut that hair tomorrow, don't you think?" Harry asked.
Severus pulled back a bit, glancing over at his hair and nodding.
"Maybe it is high time, yes," he said, "I admit cutting my hair was not on my priority list over the last months."
Harry only chuckled, his eyes glistening in the dim candlelight. He took one of the strands, gently leaning forward as he placed it behind his ear. The gesture made Severus tremble slightly, Harry's warm fingers still stroking his ear.
"Understandable," Harry only said, "we'll do that tomorrow. For now, I think both of us need some sleep."
Harry then got up from the bed and began taking out some of Severus's pillows so he could lie more comfortably.
Severus's eyes flickered with the beginnings of something, but Harry was quicker.
Before he'd had time to voice any concerns, Harry took his wand out and mouthed the enchantment. In a second, the chair that he usually claimed transformed into a cot, that moved itself right beside Severus's bed.
"As I said. I'm not leaving," he simply said.
But he could read the relief in Severus's eyes, the way his frown relaxed, his shoulders hunched.
He then leaned a bit forward, smiling, as he took more pillows out until Severus was lying completely on the bed. Afterwards, Harry jumped onto his bed and reached out. Severus, lying on his side, grasped his hand.
His fingers were cold and thin, so thin Harry could distinguish the bones of his knuckles. And yet, the amount of emotions coursing through him was almost overwhelming as he held his hand, gently stroking. In the dim candlelight, he could see Severus's eyes heavy, fighting the urge to close them.
"It's alright, you can sleep," Harry said in a whisper, "I'll still be here in the morning."
The soothing caresses on his hand were repeated, and Harry's eyes seemed to be willing Severus to close his own eyes. He also closed his, focusing on the sensations around him. The noise of the candlelight beside them, gently flickering. Severus's breathing, even and cadent, so close to his. And their hands joined together.
It didn't take long for Severus to fall into a deep slumber, and Harry followed soon after.
Notes:
Woooooo!
What did you think? Did this scene tick all the comfort boxes you wanted? Was it as satisfying as you imagined? LET ME KNOW!
I don't think I've ever felt so emotionally satisfied after writing a hurt/comfort scene as deep and powerful as this one. I loved writing it!
See you in the next chapter :))