Chapter 5 – Family Without Me

Adventure it may be, but this first day of being a vampire is a bewildering mix of the extraordinary and the mundane. Emerging unscathed from the bear attack, then hunting and drinking blood, the speed and strength and exhilarating sense of power, the astonishing things they keep telling me about what I am now…and then Carlisle and Edward fall into a discussion about a magazine article they've both read while Esme hums cheerfully and arranges flowers in a vase and Rosalie fetches a pile of mail order catalogues and pushes them into my hands.

"You'll need more clothes," she says. "It will be a while until you can go into town and choose things, but this will do in the meantime. Esme can alter anything. What do you like?"

I recognise at least one of the company names, because one of the women Mama cleans house for always passes along her old catalogues to my sisters. Even though we can't afford to buy anything from it they always pore over every single page until the thing is falling apart, endlessly discussing all the homewares and fashions and picking their favourites. I'm not familiar with the other catalogues Rosalie's holding, and when she starts flipping through them I'm shocked to see that all the prices are even more expensive.

"These dresses are nice, or these blouses…those dresses are beautiful but the sizing runs small…jackets? You won't feel the cold of course, but you don't want to stand out and who can resist? I bought several, even though my closet is already bursting. These skirts would look nice, and that style of blouse would suit you, I think…do you like them? We haven't even got to shoes yet…"

I swallow against the burning of my throat and shrug a little helplessly. I don't know if I like the bewildering array of fashionable clothes she's pointing out to me or not. Do you like them? isn't usually something I'm asked about clothing, and I've never had to think about it to form a real opinion. Does it fit? Is it in decent condition? Those are the two questions that Mama thinks matter when it comes to the hand me down clothes that have always made up most of my wardrobe. Sometimes Mama might ask what colour I want when she sews me something on the Singer, but even there she mostly just uses whatever hard wearing fabric she could buy for cheap.

Besides, it's hard to keep my attention on the catalogue pages when I could be looking at Rosalie instead. The slender hands with polished pink nails, the narrow wrist encircled by a delicate silver chain, her golden hair and the captivating scent of her drawing me in so completely…how can I ignore all that and think about coats?

"You're not really sure." Rosalie pauses in flicking through the pages and looks at me. "I'm being too pushy."

"I really do appreciate the thought, but I just don't know what to do with all this high fashion," I say. "I had my overalls for around home and out hunting, my green skirt for town and visiting, and the brown dress for church although I just grew out of that. I wouldn't even know where to begin with all of this." I hold up my hands in resignation.

For a moment Rosalie looks at me disbelievingly. "One…?"

I want to laugh. Everything about Rosalie, from the enamelled pins holding her hair in place right down to the toe of her calfskin leather shoe, screams elegance and expense. It's obvious she likes clothes, and judging by the size of the closet I glimpsed when Edward pointed out her room, she must like a lot of them.

Esme comes to my rescue. "It's a little different in the country, Rosalie," she says. "Lots of girls just have the one good dress for church, and you really need something hardwearing for chores. Your city shoes wouldn't last a day cleaning out a chicken coop!"

"Can't muck out a barn in a skirt," I agree.

"Well," Rosalie says with a sigh, "I suppose it's not as much fun, but I think this catalogue sells overalls?" She flips to the index.

"You don't have to buy me things. I'm really all right as is," I say. "Mrs Esme has already made me such nice things, I'll just try and take more care, especially next time I go out hunting."

And I'm thinking that might have to be sooner rather than later. My throat feels like someone shoved a branding iron down it. I don't know how you all can look so relaxed about…

"It gets easier." Edward looks up from his papers. "The intensity of the thirst lessens a little with time, and you'll grow used to it and need to feed less often. But to begin with it really is rather all encompassing. We can go out again if you'd like?"

"Yes please." Without hesitation I jump to my feet and then look back at Rosalie. "Will you come too?"

I don't know if she's very keen. It's hard to read that beautiful face. But she nods and lays aside her catalogues before she stands up.

"Stay close to home," Carlisle says to Edward with a slightly anxious frown. "Keep alert – remember that she's a newborn and that it's risky. Eleanor, I ask that you please listen to Edward while you're out. We're quite a long way from the town here and have miles of uninhabited forest behind us so it's rare for humans to be nearby, but it does happen. We want to avoid any accidents."

Remembering the maddened frenzy of desire I'd felt just smelling a human at a good mile away earlier I nod hastily. "For sure."

"I'm paying attention, so I ought to catch any thoughts before you catch any scent and be able to redirect you," Edward tells me as he and Rosalie and I leave the house. "It was inexcusable that I didn't do that earlier – I'm so used to tuning out the random thoughts of people passing by that I didn't realise I was doing it."

"Well, give a holler if you hear anyone – I don't want to do to some poor person what that bear did to me."

I take a deep breath, taking in the scent of the forest that surrounds us and the dampness of the misty air. For a moment I'm captivated by the individual droplets of water drifting past my eyes. Has the world really always been this fantastical?

I start out along the same path I took earlier, moving more slowly than I did then, taking everything in. I'm surprised at the familiarity of it, after only that one headlong rush I already recognise every twist and turn and tree.

"You have perfect recall now," Edward says. "You're already aware of your heightened physical strength, but your mental acuity has also vastly expanded."

"You're not selling me much of a downside here, you know?" I grin at him. "Super strength and speed, I'm never going to die, I never get tired or hurt, and now I'm all super smart too? I'm not seeing too much of the negatives here!"

"You'll find them," Rosalie says quietly. "Given time."

"Well, there is this thirst," I say. "I've got to admit that's pretty brutal…but there's some deer not too far away. Am I good to run?"

"No humans anywhere near," Edward confirms. "We'll keep up."

I track and catch a deer with no more trouble than I had earlier, but the thick blood does little ease the burn in my throat. I sit glumly back on my heels when I'm finished and contemplate the carcass. "It's only my second meal here, and heaven knows I don't want to come across as ungrateful, two full meals is certainly something to be appreciated…but I can't help thinking that it's going to be a mighty monotonous diet if that's as good as it gets."

"Well deer is the most common food source for us here," Edward says. "Easily available, plentiful, no concern that our hunting habits will disrupt the environmental balance. But not, it must be admitted, the most tempting."

"Carnivores are better," Rosalie says a little tentatively. "Bobcats and mountain lions and bears…I don't want to mislead you into thinking that they're actually good, but they're a little more flavourful than deer or the other herbivores."

"Bears, huh?" I grin up at her, trying to imagine her hunting anything at all. "I wouldn't mind taking a swipe at one of those after what one did to me. Revenge is going to taste really sweet."

I can't read the expression on Rosalie's face, but Edward laughs at me. "If you want to fight bears we'll go north and hunt out some grizzlies; that'll be fun for you. And I wouldn't underestimate Rosalie as a hunter either. One thing about vampire life is that appearances can be very deceiving."

Rosalie scowls at him, but before she can say anything I jump to my feet and hold out the deer. "If you don't harvest these, what do you do with them? Not just leave them out to rot?"

"No, definitely not. Mature vampires don't feed as often as you will as a newborn, but with the four of us living here permanently it would leave very obvious traces if we did that. We always have to be careful to maintain secrecy about what we really are."

Edward shows me how I can dig holes with my bare hands, or else wrench small trees out of the ground far enough to expose a hole in the earth around the roots large enough to stuff the limp body of the deer into. It still seems a wicked waste of meat to me, but even if the blood hasn't fully satisfied me the thought of eating flesh is utterly repellent.

Carlisle and Esme are in the library when we return to the house. It's been tidied up since I first awoke in it, although the deep, fresh gouges dug into the dining table look like they're there to stay. Esme runs a finger along one and smiles ruefully.

"I ought to have thought about taking Eleanor's boots off earlier. But never mind, I think it can be sanded back and refinished."

"I'll help you with that," I say, wanting to make amends. "I'm sorry for ruining it."

"Oh, it's not your fault! You couldn't help it," Esme says. "We'll do the best we can to fix it but if it can't be done there's no need to fret. I enjoy carpentry and refinishing furniture, so I'm not in the least upset about it. Do you enjoy that kind of work? Or do you have other hobbies you enjoy; reading, sewing or art or music? How do you spend your time?"

"Well there's always such a lot of work to do, and that comes first," I say. "Just providing food takes up a lot of time, hunting and fishing and working in the garden as well as taking care of the stock. I'd rather be outside, so I do a lot of that. There's always wood to chop, repairs on the house and fences and barn, skinning and tanning hides, that kind of thing. Mama says I'm not exactly domestically minded, and I'm a really terrible cook, but I help out with a lot of the cleaning and laundry. I'm no good at fancy sewing or mending, but I'm a good, fast, plain knitter and there are always socks and sweaters to work on. But I don't mind," I add a little defensively. "I like being busy."

"There certainly would be a lot of work in such a big family," Esme says cheerfully. "And if you're willing to knit I'd welcome some help! I run a charity through the hospital that collects and distributes knitted garments to families having a tough time." She grins at me conspiratorially. "Of course, given I can knit with vampire speed, most of the knitting I 'collect' is done by me, but the more warm things we can get out to those in need the better."

"And speaking of doing things to help, Eleanor, Esme and I have discussed your family and what might be done for them. If you were agreeable, we thought perhaps an anonymous donation of money…it doesn't compare to losing you, we realise that, but money can make life a little more comfortable," Carlisle says.

He names a sum of money that makes my jaw drop. That's rent money, and new stock, and good coats and shoes for everyone, Evie's wedding taken care of…it's the kind of money that could change a lot for my family. Just imagine! My heart lifts even to think about it.

"It doesn't seem enough," Carlisle says regretfully. "But we feel very badly over what they must be going through, and this is perhaps the only thing we really CAN do for them. And for you – we thought settling in to your new life may be a little easier if you can feel reassured that your family has been taken care of, at least in some small way."

"It won't be small to us,' I say. "Not that kind of money. You have no idea what…we wouldn't accept charity though. We have our pride."

"It will be done very discreetly," Carlisle says. "An untraceable cash gift; no one will ever know where it came from."

And I'll never know what they'll do with it, I realise. I won't know if they decide to put the money into improving the quality of our few head of cattle or maybe renting more land and expanding the herd. I won't be there to celebrate Evie's wedding and wish her all the best. I won't see what fancy new dresses and shoes Scarlett coaxes Mama into buying for her, or know if Patrick will use money for a new shotgun or even the motorbike he's always wanted but never expected to get. My family will go on, they will live and change and grow and do all kind of things…and they'll do it without me.

Without a word I turn and go outside. I don't want to face this sudden, staggering sense of loss in front of the Cullens. I know they've been through it themselves, but right now it feels too raw and personal to share and I want to be alone.

Once I'm outside though, I don't brood, distracted by what I can now see in the yard. I'm out the front of the house this time, and before me is laid out a garden like something in a picture story book. Tiny paths meander through flower beds overlooked by gracious trees wearing their brilliant fall colours. There are iron benches for sitting on and a gazebo garlanded by climbing roses over to the side, and ornamental sculptures of naked people and confusing abstract shapes dotted throughout. I follow the paths, discovering all the little nooks and crannies, impressed by the amount of time and effort someone must have put into creating this garden that manages to be both magical and exactly like it belongs here.

I follow the path until it leads me back to the rear of the house, where a wide expanse of grass runs down to where the forest starts. There's also a barn out here, and homesick for something familiar I wander over to the wide double doors and peer inside. It's not really like home though. There's a shadowy collection of cobwebbed farming implements and old harnesses piled up down the back and no animals, although the scent of them still lingers in the age worn timbers and in the loft of dusty hay above me. Instead, there's a large, sleek modern car parked in between the stalls. I go in for closer look, but jump and spin around a little guiltily when I hear a faint noise behind me.

"I was just looking, I wasn't…oh. Hey," I stop, an already familiar feeling of warmth flowing through me as I see Rosalie, poised in the open doorway. "I was just checking things out."

"Well, this car IS worth looking at." Rosalie moves soundlessly beside me and runs her hand almost tenderly across the hood. "Absolutely beautiful."

"Yeah," I say, but I'm not looking at the car. "Beautiful."

"Do you like cars?"

I grin at her. "Sure. I mean, I don't know a lot about them or anything, but you don't really have to be an expert to admire the look of this one. I've never seen one like this."

"It's new, the recent release Cadillac. Even I have to admit it's far too extravagant for the local doctor to drive, but Edward and I really wanted it and Carlisle gave in." Rosalie's lip twitches. "He does indulge us really."

"My Pa indulges us too – but you know, more along the lines of the occasional liquorice whip when he goes into town, not Cadillacs."

"He's not my father." Rosalie bites her lip and then says in a rush, "I came out because I have to say it…I'm sorry. For all this. I didn't plan it, but I know that doesn't matter. You lost everything and it's my fault. I know that, and I know I will never, ever be able to make it up to you. You don't have to forgive me, I don't deserve it and I don't expect it, but I want you to know that I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't…it's all right. I don't want you to say sorry again. Really." I hold my hands out and smile. "I know you're sorry, but it's really all right. I'm going to be fine – just got to get used to it all! And I need you to help me. So don't apologise anymore, just please help me figure this whole weird world out. That's all I want from you."

Well, maybe not ALL I want from you.

Rosalie's smile is a little tentative. "I can do that. I'd like to – and not just because I feel responsible. You might have noticed that Edward and I don't always get along. It will be lovely to have another girl here; I've always thought it might be nice to have a sister."

"Well there you go, it's going to work out for both of us," I say, even though I have to admit that the feelings I have for Rosalie could hardly be described as sisterly. "Although maybe I should say that I have four sisters and it's definitely not all it's cracked up to be."

Rosalie laughs. "Your family sounds wonderful."

"They're something special all right," I say.

"We were able to save at least something from your human life," Rosalie holds out her hands and offers me my hunting knife. "It was hooked into your overalls, and we thought it might mean something for you to have it now."

"My Poppa made it for my thirteenth birthday," I say, my fingers wrapping around the familiar leather handle. "He was really good with leatherwork and he made hunting knives for all my brothers and uncles and boy cousins. I was so proud when he gave me mine. Although…it kind of looks different now." I frown down at the knife, seeing the cracks in the leather and the imperfections in the blade that have never been visible before.

"Vampire sight," Rosalie says.

"I suppose so." I balance the weight of the knife across the palm of my hand. "I don't suppose I'll get a lot of use out of it now. But thank you for saving it – I wouldn't have wanted to let it go. It comes with a lot of memories."

"I feel I should warn you," Rosalie says softly. "When you become a vampire, your human memories fade. You won't forget them entirely, but without effort to remember you'll find that your memories quite quickly become clouded and even lost."

"You did say I'd find the downsides of this life in time," I say. "I think forgetting my family would be a big one."

"You can focus on memories," Rosalie says. "You can hold tight and make them feel close. But it's a double edged sword – you have the memories, but you have the hurt of them too. Sometimes I think the fading is a kindness. It's probably easier to deal with the loss when it doesn't feel so raw."

"You lost a lot too?"

"I had parents, and brothers. Friends. Hopes… my human death and vampire birth put an end to so much." Rosalie hesitates. "I'll tell you about it one day, but it's difficult."

"That's okay. We've got plenty of time, haven't we?" And I laugh, and Rosalie's tension seems to dissipate as she smiles too.

"Time. Well, that is something we have in abundance."