Saturday 12 November
Woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach at the prospect of seeing Dad.
Fortunately Fiona had had the idea of asking Lucas and Jenny to come too. Safety in numbers, as she said. She asked Oliver and Mei Ling if they could come too, but they were otherwise occupied and couldn't make it.
This turned out to be a wise choice. Dad was in The Baron of Beef at the bar waiting for me with The Bird on his shoulder as usual when I arrived, looking pretty disgruntled, to say the least, but when he saw me accompanied not only by Fiona but also by Lucas and Jenny, his expression changed straight away. He's not used to me having company.
"Hello Samuel and … Fiona," he said awkwardly, but emphasising "Fiona". "How are you?"
"Fine thanks, dad," I replied. "This is Lucas Petrov and Jenny Kirrin. I believe you know Lucas's father Anatoly?"
"Yes, yes I do," replied Dad. "We've been good friends since we were in our teens. Lucas's father was uncle Bill's second in command, and took over from him when he retired. And Jenny, are you any relation of Dick Kirrin by any chance?"
"He's my uncle," said Jenny. "You know him?"
"He was here in Cambridge at the same time as me," said Dad. "He was doing his PhD at the time. Thin film magnetism if I recall correctly. We both used to come here for a drink regularly. What's he up to now?"
Jenny started telling him all about Famous Five Technologies, their work with robotics, cybersecurity and spy gadgets, and the hackathon that we'd been to last month. Dad got so carried away talking to her and Lucas that he almost completely forgot what he wanted to say to me about Fiona.
Until he got hit on the head by a newspaper from behind.
"What the hell is all this about then?! What the bloody hell are you doing with my daughter?!"
Dad got up and turned round to find himself face to face with none other than Horace Tipperlong.
The man was lashing out at him with a rolled up newspaper and uttering some very bad language indeed. He was trying to lash out at me too, but fortunately I had Fiona, Lucas, Jenny and Dad in between me and him, so all he could do in my direction was to point his finger at me and swear.
Two members of the bar staff came up behind him and pulled him away from Dad.
"Don't do that again!" they said.
Horace paused, then took a step forward and started laying into Dad again. Dad responded by conking him on the nose. Horace reeled back and his glasses fell off. He picked them up again, replaced them, and wiped his nose.
The two members of the bar staff took hold of both Dad and Horace and thrust them out the door.
"Get out and stay out!" they said.
We watched through the window of the pub as Dad and Horace stood there shouting at each other for a bit before sitting down on the low wall opposite the pub just outside the entrance to St John's College. Obviously waiting for myself and Fiona.
I said to Fiona, "Should we go out and try to placate them?"
She said, "Are you kidding?"
Lucas and Jenny offered to go out and try and mediate between them. They came back in about five minutes later.
Lucas said, "They're both mad at both of you. Sam, your dad wants to take you back to St Andrews tonight. Fiona, your dad wants you on the road to Lancaster. Again, tonight. You've both got some explaining to do. They're both saying you've been dishonest and underhanded with both of them. And a whole lot of other things that I think I'd better not repeat."
Fiona said, "Tell them nothing doing. I'm not going back to Lancaster without Samuel."
I said, "And I'm not going back to St Andrews without Fiona. We're grown adults now, and whether we stick together or not is none of their business."
Lucas went out again. He spoke to the two of them and then came back in again. He said, "They've both said the same thing. If that's the way you want it, then on your heads be it."
Fiona said, "We'd better go and speak to them."
All four of us went out. Fiona and myself in the middle, clinging tightly to each other, flanked by Lucas and Jenny on either side of us.
Dad said, "Samuel Trent, get here this minute. You've got some explaining to do. Why did you lie to me and tell me that your girlfriend was Juliet Forbes from Inverurie, when she is actually Fiona Tripalong from Lancaster?"
Fiona said, "Samuel didn't tell you that I'm Juliet Forbes from Inverurie. I did. And it's perfectly true. My middle name is Juliet, my mother's maiden name is Forbes and she lives in Inverurie."
Dad said, "Well it's still dishonest. And how come she's still across the corridor from you? Did you ask the College to move her next to you as well? You double-crossing, disobedient little…"
Fiona interrupted him again. She said, "No he didn't. Neither did I. I'll tell you who asked the College to move me." She pointed to her father. "He did."
Dad turned round again. "Is this true, Tripalong you oaf?"
Horace Tipperlong was indignant. "It most certainly is not," he said. "I asked them to move my daughter away from him. I told the College not to tell her where she was being moved to until she was actually moved."
Dad wasn't having any of it. He started accusing Horace of asking the College to move Fiona next to me anyway so she could spy on me. Horace responded with counter-accusations that he had done exactly the same but with me spying on her. It got so heated that I thought it was going to come to blows again, but Fiona stepped between them.
"Just break it up you two," she said. "You're acting like spoilt children, both of you. Samuel and I have already told you both repeatedly that neither of us want to be part of your silly feud, so please just leave us out of it."
Horace said, "You didn't see what this man did to me in the Hebrides."
Dad said, "You didn't see what this man is accusing me of having done to him in the Hebrides."
Fiona said, "Oh I'm sorry, Captain Ahab, you've got to catch your whale, haven't you?"
Horace said, "What on earth are you talking about?"
Fiona said, "Moby Dick. I studied it in English Literature A level. 'He piled upon the whale's white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart's shell upon it.' Captain Ahab spent years hunting the whale that had injured him. That was his sea of adventure, and in the end it destroyed him and it destroyed his ship."
She took a step back and took hold of me again. I put my arm around her and gave her a hug.
Dad said, "Enough of this. Samuel, you're coming with me back to St Andrews. Tonight. Your time here in Cambridge is over. You've been an absolute disgrace to the family."
Horace said, "And you, Fiona Tipperlong, you're coming with me back to Lancaster. You've been dishonest and disobedient and I'm not prepared to put up with it."
At this point, Lucas reached into his pocket and fished out a pair of police-grade handcuffs. He snapped one of them round Fiona's wrist and the other round mine.
"You absolute genius, Lucas" I said to him. "Why didn't I think of that? Where did you get them anyway?"
He said, "They're my dad's. I borrowed them from him for a Halloween costume. He hasn't got round to getting them back from me yet."
"Looks like we're sticking together," said Fiona. "As we said, I'm not going back to Lancaster without Samuel, and he's not going back to St Andrews without me."
Dad said, "Very well. If that's what you want, then on your heads be it." He and Horace stormed off in different directions.
Lucas and Jenny headed off too at that point. I said, "Hey, wait a minute, aren't you going to uncuff us?"
He said, "Sorry mate, the keys are back in College."
Fiona and I went for our date at Browns anyway. A few raised eyebrows from some of the other patrons. Eating was a bit tricky, but somehow the two of us being cuffed together like that made it seem all the more romantic.
Got back to College at about ten o'clock where Lucas uncuffed us.
Said, "Aren't you going to thank me?"
I said, "Well yes, but I'd appreciate it if you discussed these things with me first in future."
Sunday 13 November
Dad's stramash with Horace Tipperlong has gone viral on YouTube. "Battle of the Bird Boffins in the Baron of Beef." Five hundred thousand views already. People are making memes of it and remixing it and adding captions and dubbing it and all sorts. The comments on the student forums in St Andrews and Lancaster have to be seen to be believed.
Auntie Dinah called me this afternoon to ask what it was all about. Told her about myself and Fiona. She said, "I think I'd better just stay out of that one." Told her about our handcuffed date that followed. She said, "You fathead undergraduates, whatever will you get up to next?"
Asked her about her amendment.
She said, "I re-tabled it last week. It's going to be debated a week on Monday."
Monday 14 November
Got an email from Dr Lorimer, my Director of Studies, at lunchtime today, asking me to pay him a visit. Didn't say what it was about, so I went to see him at half past four.
He said, "I've had an email from your father this morning. I take it you're aware that he's asking for you to transfer to St Andrews for your degree?"
I said he'd said something about it but I'd made it clear to him that I'm not going anywhere without Fiona.
He said, "Well I've spoken to my counterparts in the Department of Physics and Astronomy there, and they're happy to take you if that's what you decide. St Andrews was your second choice and your insurance acceptance, and they had someone drop out due to illness anyway, so there is a place there for you if you decide to go ahead. But you are a grown adult, so ultimately it is your decision."
Thanked him for his time. Sent an email to Dad re-stating my position: I'm sticking with Fiona.
Got an email back from him late this evening. It said this:
From: Jack Trent
To: Samuel Trent
Subject: You and Fiona
Samuel,
I'll cut to the chase here. I expect you to terminate your relationship with Fiona Tripalong immediately and to transfer to St Andrews at the start of the next semester in January.
If you do not do this but choose to remain in Cambridge with her, I will have no choice but to treat you as if you are no longer a member of my family. This means that you will not be welcome in my home and you will be excluded from my will. It also means that I will be asking your mother, your brother, your sister, your uncle Philip, your aunts Lucy-Ann and Dinah, your cousins Kirsty and Cameron, your great uncle Bill and your great aunt Allie to cease contact with you for as long as your relationship with her lasts.
I'll give you until the end of Full Term to decide what you're going to do.
Regards,
Dad
Felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I was bracing myself for Dad to give me the cold shoulder, but leaving me homeless and cutting me off from all my family as well? Fiona has had an email from her own father saying pretty much the same thing. She is inconsolable.
Shakespeare couldn't have put it better.
Two households, both alike in dignity
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life;
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Doth with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-marked love
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, naught could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which, if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
Why does love have to be so painful?
What would Dad and Horace have to say for themselves if the two of us were to just disappear?
To be continued...