AN : Hi, so I know I've been gone for a century (two and a half months ready but who's counting), I've been busy and kind of ill, and just couldn't find the time to finish this. Hope you all enjoy it, and as always I appreciate any feedback and how I can improve my writing x
Actions have consequences. It was something Jac was more than familiar with. Cheating on the love of her life ruined what was a blossoming relationship and left her teeming with guilt. People look at her like she's the devil incarnate and for what seemed like forever, he couldn't bare to be near her. For so long she was the enemy in his eyes and that's why they sneak around now. It doesn't matter that he loves her when the pain is still there because he can't trust her enough to take her back, even if he wants to. What can she say? It's the consequences of her actions.
Sometimes the consequences aren't so painful. Choosing to keep her baby gave her some of the hardest years of her life but she made it out the otherside, and now she looks back on those years with fondness. Part of her misses the slow days she'd spend in the monotony of caring for AJ, finding peace where she least expected it. She might be battling her demons now, but the moments she spent with her cuddled up with her baby remind her that life wasn't completely hopeless.
She knows looking back on the past with rose-tinted glasses because being sixteen with a toddler brought her so much grief. Stares and whispers. Friends who won't talk to you and call you a slut. The friend who cried with you because she knows how impossible the whole situation is. Not knowing how you're supposed to balance your A-Levels and part-time job with the small person who's demanding cuddles. You're looking at her chubby little face, red rosy cheeks and huge green eyes trying to be grateful. Grateful that though she might look just like you her eyes don't have your signature sadness. You tell yourself you're doing it for her and that's why you put up with all the weirdos at the bar, the creeps who like to hit on you while you pour a pint.
You fall asleep on the sofa, your daughter snuggled into your chest, cocooned in the blanket you were supposed to share. The sound of your neighbour arguing with his girlfriend brings back memories you'd rather run from. You're seven and Daddy's strung out again. He and Mummy are arguing. They broke up again. She's calling him a selfish bastard and he says she's a dumb whore who doesn't deserve you.
She says something about drugs you don't understand but you hear him criticise her for all the times she's left you on his doorstep, knowing he's an addict so she could party and forget her child. She says he's your father and he replies that's the whole point. How is he supposed to get clean if she can't even do her part in raising you? He should have never touched the stuff but he's trying to kick it, but he needs to go away, to a proper rehab facility. He says he can't go if he can't trust she'll keep you safe. You hear him say he loves you and he wishes he could be different and then he sees you.
He's slightly mellowed now and he tells you not to be scared, that it's just Mummy and Daddy having a silly little argument, like you and Kitty over whether green is cooler than blue. You don't believe him but you're scared and you start to scurry away but not before you hear her mutter something about you being a stupid brat. You hear Daddy yell that you can hear her and that you've been asking why she's doesn't like you. She sighs feeling almost guilty but says it's not her problem and leaves.
The memories aren't fading. She feels like the scared twelve year old she once was. Maybe that part of her never did heal. Yet she has to keep going even if the thought that she's pregnant is filling her with anxiety.
Her last pregnancy stands out as one of the worst periods of her life. No words she finds can explain the pain of those nine months. Every thought of those days brings a wave of despair washing over her, darkness so heavy she's suppressed the memories to keep sane. The only pleasant memory comes in the form of the 4lb 11 ounce bundle that was placed in her arms the day it all changed.
She's remembers just how ill she was throught the pregnancy, seemingly spending every other day in A . The feeling of not being in control of her body is back and she doesn't know what to do. It's just like last time and she hates it. She's angry. If he'd never touched her she'd never associate pregnancy with being assaulted, with the feeling of having no choice over what happens to you. It's just not fair.
If she's honest with herself, she's not even coping with what happened to her as a child. On the surface she looks fine, she's a doctor, her kid is doing well in school, even started school a year early but inside she's anything but. She's having to come to terms with the fact living vicariously through your daughter, isn't a way to cope with being abused.
She's built so much of her identity around AJ. The moment she decided to keep her she was determined to be better than her own parents. Determination which went too far because she's fine as long as her daughter is. For so long she has held herself up on the basis that if AJ was happy then she could be too. She'd lucked out with a baby who was sunny, if not a little clingy at most but now had a depressed teenager which to her was a moral failing. She wasn't good enough. She was a bad person and maybe she deserved everything that happened to her if she wasn't so unlike her parents.
"You bitch!"
Quickly realising this isn't another traumatic memory
Jac grabs her face, registering that she's been slapped and gazes at Faye, doing her best to keep her composure. Normally she'd hit back or at least makes a snarky comment, but she's pregnant now and so she's grudgingly going to be the bigger person. Faye's leaning over trying to get a response out of her and Jac tries to ignore all the eyes focused on her. So much for an uneventful shift.
"I'm not really that me will get me to review Mrs Gallagher any faster. If you want to get my attention you —How long have you been sleeping with Joseph?"
She inhales sharply cursing as she knew this would happen someday. She knew Faye would confront her she just didn't think it'd be in the middle of a busy shift. The whispers start up again and she can hear Donna over everyone else in the café, mumbling about how she was sure she saw them sneaking around the other day. This is why she hadn't wanted to continue seeing him. She didn't care whether they liked them but when pregnancy had her feeling exhausted every minute she was in her feet, she'd hoped to avoid any undue stress. So much for an uneventful shift.
"Is this really necessary? Go ask him, he's the one you're supposed to be marrying. I'm just trying to take my break in peace."
"You have no shame, don't you? Do you enjoy being the mistress? Make you happy ruining happy relationships?"
"Happy?! Please he doesn't even love you." Jac scofffs, sinking down into a chair as she tries to pretend this confrontation isn't happening.
The whispers aren't helping her attempt but she's not getting into a fight at work. Or ever again in fact. This is her career, her livelihood, her way of giving her daughter all the things she didn't have and she's not throwing it away over a scuffle over Joseph. She might love him but she's not immature enough to fight Faye over him.
"You're just saying that to make yourself feel better. We were happy until recently."
"No we weren't." Joseph pipes up, shocking Faye and the various spectators.
"What?"
"We weren't happy. Before I proposed we'd been fighting for weeks, and you'd been spending more time with my best friend than me. I should've never asked you to marry me."
"I knew it. I knew you were cheating on me but with her?! After everything she's done...why am I second best?"
"Faye I..."
"What are you going to say that you're sorry, forget it. I should've trusted myself after her accident when I knew she was the one you were thinking of. Yet I was stupid enough to believe you." She asks, eyebrows furrowed looking between the guilty pair. The man she thought loved her and the woman he chose over her. Her fiancé had picked his cheating ex over her, and despite how hurt she was, she couldn't say she hadn't seen it coming.
"I'm sorry. It's better if we're not together you should be with someone who truly wants to be with you." Joseph admits, glancing back at Jac who sits nonchalantly sipping at her smoothie. She knows everyone's staring at her so she taps away at her phone, hoping it all blows over.
It won't. It never does.
"What did you say to him?" Faye spits, turning to face Jac who's cursing herself for putting herself in this situation again.
"Nothing. He doesn't love you Faye. That's between the pair of you."
"You really have no shame. I feel bad for that poor kid of your's, got no chance with a mother like you. Probably grow up to be a whore too."
In an instant any attempt at maturity has been abandoned and soon she's laughing. The kind of laugh you let out why you're hands are shaking and you're at your limi. This pregnancy is dragging you down, everyone's congregating and you can feel the judgement seeping into your skin. It's not the dislike that urks you, it's the way they treat you.
She pretends she doesn't care and in some ways she doesn't, got bigger problems as they say, but at times like this it hits her how isolated she feels. It's every now and then yet she can't help but wonder why. Whether it's the man who stole her peace, or the people at conferences who make jokes about who she's slept with, why can't anyone see she's a person too.
Now she's pacing around her living room, waiting for Joseph to come meet her, still not sure how to tell him she's having his baby. There's no doubt that half the hospital thinks she's been having yet another affair with someone's partner and they're not wrong. It was a one night stand but what's a one night stand when they're meeting up and confessing their feelings.
When he walks in she stares him down, displeased. He'd promised he'd break things off with Faye eons ago. She had grown some form a conscience and didn't want to be the mistress this time. He'd insisted that the love between them was dead, that it was just a formality so she didn't get suspicious and he'd leave her soon. She cursed herself for thinking he'd have the guts to leave Faye. They don't get along and she knows when the whole truth comes out it'll be like last year again, everyone hating her. Judging her. Not that she really cares.
It's the principle that matters. She'd tried to do the right thing but no one would know that. All they'd see is her growing baby bump, and assume she'd done it on purpose. Got pregnant to pull apart a happy couple. The gossip chain would be on fire when this gets out. It already is. Donna will probably place a bet on the paternity of her child and if she's as unlucky as she always is, Joseph will avoid claiming their child.
"Jac, I'm so sorry." He says, kissing her cheek and pulling her into his embrace. She smiles briefly, pushing him away when he starts to kiss her neck with no idea of what news she's about to drop.
Don't let him get to you, she reminds herself. She's angry at him and she won't let the loneliness she feels negate that. He can't win her round with a few sweet words and kisses. Depressed and out of character or not she's still Jacqueline Naylor and she'll be dammed if she lets him make her cry.
"That's not why I asked you to come over. I appreciate the affection but not right now." Jac pushes him away, a wave of dizziness washing over her. It seems that this pregnancy isn't going to be any easier than her last, because as the days pass the morning sickness is coming for her with more vengeance than ever.
"Sorry. You don't look too well. The flu got you down too? Donna's been working on Darwin today because half the hospital's off sick." He asks, taking a seat next to her.
She shakes her head sighing, "No! You know you're the third person to ask me that. Looking rather pale Naylor. You hungover? Party too hard? For godsake I'm not ill just pregnant."
"What?" He splutters.
"I'm pregnant Joseph. Morning after pill didn't work."
His eyes widen as he exhales shakily, gaze travelling down from those eyes he always seems to get lost in to where her hand rests on her stomach. The unsure look in her eyes pacifies away any lingering anger and soon he's imagining a baby with her red-hair, nestled safely in his arms. He takes in her unusually nervous deposition and can't help but pull her into a tender embrace which catches her off guard. The tired look in her eyes hasn't gone away since their night together and their sneaking around hasn't helped to dampen his feelings for her.
Before she can get out a word, he presses his lips to hers and arms wrapped tight around her waist, missing her touch in these past weeks. They've had to keep their meetings minimal, people were catching. Now Faye's confronted them they can finally see each other more openly. Going over to her place hadn't been an option before now either, it's where she lives with her daughter and she's not flaunting their possible reconciliation in her face. Not when he wasn't a free agent. She had to put her first. She always will and Joseph as a prospective father figure again would just confuse her.
"Now I understand why you demanded I come over here. So, what do you want to do?" He asks pulling away, her body still encased in his hands.
"I'm keeping it. The baby that is. You can be as involved as you like. I really don't care." She mumbles, resting her head on his chest as they stand, bodies so close that he can feel her breath on his neck.
"I do want to be a father to this child, our child. This is hardly excellent timing but we'll work things out. If you're having a baby then I think it's time you got some help."
"I don't need help. I'm fine. Am I supposed to look back on being molested with joy?" She utters defensively, almost offended.
Joseph sighs, leading her over to her bed where they sit, her head on his shoulder. Trying to convince her to she isn't coping was never going to be an easy task, and the news she's carrying his unborn child only worries him more.
"We both know that's not what I'm saying. I don't doubt that you've kept it together all these years and you've done a great job raising AJ. But lately you're just not you. You told me AJ's worried too, and I think she's right. Take some annual leave, just a few days, see someone. Spend time with your daughter. Get your head sorted." He urges, kissing her cheek.
"I've been seeing a psychiatrist. Not here, back in London when I can. Someone would spot me if I went down to Snowfields, it's only in Bristol after all. I may also have a prescription I don't always take..."
"What? Why?"
"Nothing new. Haven't taken it properly in years." She admits avoiding his gaze.
He's always so practical, by the book and it's one of the things she likes about him. She can trust him. He's always so moral, like after Clooney attacked her. His father was barely cold and things were so raw yet he came to check on her. Tried to get her to report it. She was so harsh with him. Her head was all over the place and she couldn't face the guilt of what she'd done to him along with the shame of what Clooney had done to her. Being known as the doctor who was assaulted by a patient. Being known as Holby's resident whore as she's heard people whisper was bad enough, but having people look at her with such pity makes her sick.
It's different when it's Joseph. She loves him and she almost relishes in him telling her none of it was her fault. She feels relieved when he holds her as she cries because deep down the feeling of being loved is all she's ever wanted. He can't fix any of it. She wishes it was that simple but being with him makes her feel seen. She's not lonely anymore and she knows she's a bad person for sleeping with him but she can't help but want him.
"I hate the way it makes me feel. Like that man has so much of a hold over me that I need pills to make my brain work. It's been about fifteen years since he was arrested and I still see him in my nightmares."
"Isn't that a reason to take the medication? You'd probably sleep better if you used it."
"It's not that simple. I stopped taking it after a few months in the first place. I don't want to take it and that's final. Can we talk about something actually important, like the baby please? How are you going to tell her?"
She's disappointed. In him for lying to her, stringing her along and saying he wasn't going to stay with his fiancée then doing exactly that. She's ashamed to admit he's played her for a fool. Even more shameful is how she's so low that she's can barely express how much it hurts that he's got his own back. He won't admit it, not yet but she knows him well enough to know it's true.
It's his way of making her feel like he did. Though it's not really the same, he's leading her on having the best of both worlds. His doting fiancé who's probably killed a husband or two, but who cares at least she's not her. The woman who broke his heart. He might be in love with her again but a year and a bit ago, she was two-timing him with his father. So she can't really complain because Joseph isn't her's. It doesn't mean she hates being the other woman any less but, amidst the endless feeling of nothing, teenager daughter to raise and morning-afternoon-evening sickness, there's nothing left in her to confront him.
"Get off me. You lied to me and I know I hurt you terribly but come on Joe, choosing now of all times to get back at me. I'd be the first to admit what I did to you was beyond cruel, but kicking me when I'm down? I don't know...I just thought...it doesn't matter."
He looks guilty, approaching her cautiously placing bouquet of roses she hadn't noticed before on a cabinet.
"I'm so sorry. I should've been honest with you and I should've have left her sooner, rather than having my cake and eating it. But I love you, I really do. You're having my baby and I love you, so will you please let me hold you? You look so beautiful today and I've missed you terribly."
She looks up at him those baby blues making her heart flutter and she relents because those three words mean so much of terrible days like this. It's not her being uncharacteristically weak, more so applying what she's learned from her therapy sessions. She does go when she's really low and it's helpful. It wasn't her fault, she's not dirty and she deserves love, all things she finds hard to accept.
"I'm only letting you do this because I guess we're even now. I'm not having sex with you if that's why you're doing it. I've spent the few hour before you came here fighting off a dizzy spells. I left so early because I started chucking my guts up, and when I finally stopped I could barely see straight, not because your fiancée gave me this wonderful black eye."
"I'm so sorry about that. You should see - my GP. Done it already. I'm supposed to be on cyclizine but it's not I working, "
"I was actually going to say the state of my ex-fiancée because you've got a great punch for someone who's bogged down by hyperemesis."
She flashes him a look which says she's been hoping otherwise and he smiles at her, noticing the bags under her eyes. Bags which tells him she's been lying about sleeping well. Though if he was her he'd have sleepless nights too.
"Yes, I do think you have HG. I'm not an obstetrician but I did go to medical school. You did have it when you were pregnant with AJ right?" He asks, walking her to the en-suite and wetting a handtowel which he places on her forehead, noticing her burning up again.
She smiles weakly, sinking down onto the cool tiles her head in her hands as she takes gulps of air hoping to fight off the nausea. It's so hard, trying to hide this pregnancy from her colleagues. She's been off sick for a week and any hope of returning to normality has been shattered by her confrontation with Faye and her general inability to keep anything down.
"Unfortunately yes, spent most of my first trimester in hospital because I lost so much weight. I thought it would be different fourteen years down the line but I...I guess - I'm going to be sick."
Lurching over the toilet, she gives Joseph a thumbs up as he rubs her back. She feels like she could cry. She won't because it's not something she does but somehow she feels even lower than the night she slept with him. She's so ill and he's been kind and it's bring all the guilt back, again. It doesn't feel as bad when she tells herself he's only doing it because of the baby. He's being so gentle with her, telling her he loves her and he's so sorry this so so hard on her body.
Half an hour later door slams and the sound of her daughter running in rouses her back to consciousness attention. She's still so tired she might just sink through the mattress, and wonders if she's hallucinating because AJ should be a violin lesson. That's if she bothered to go this time, she's been all over the place and Jac's terrified she's depressed because of her.
"Mum!" AJ shouts, bounding into the room back earlier than her mother had expected. "So, practice ended early because some idiot set the fire alarm off so I'm back nice and early - oh Joseph, hi."
He waves, helping Jac up ever so slowly. "Hi AJ, good to see you in better circumstances this time."
"Anyway, there was this guy who was proper minging trying to talk to me and this really nice man told him to fuck off, then I got some Chinese cause I know you're too pregnant to cook right now. There's enough for you if you want some too Joseph, got loads so we'll have leftovers."
"And? Thanks for the food baby, and a creep harassing you is exactly why you're moving to Saturday morning lessons, but that isn't what you want to tell me is it Artemis?"
"Oh yeah." She sighs, fiddling with her hair nervously.
"AJ…"
"Does Joseph know about my Dad and everything else? Just don't want to tell him things you wouldn't." She stalls worried her news might ruin her mother's nightmare free streak.
"AJ…what happened?"
"So the thing is I think um that…I think I just met one of my half-brothers..."