Elissa was grateful that Solas had taken her to the sea during one of their Fade walks before actually coming to The Storm Coast herself; if she hadn't walked along the shoreline of the Shining Sea near Val Royeaux, she'd have been a complete mess at the majesty that was the Waking Sea. It may have been overcast and the waves angry, but Elissa had never seen anything more beautiful. The salt in the wind, the gentle rain that fell upon them and the biting chill of the air on her skin- it all sang to her. She knew in her gut that wherever she hailed from, it was a stone's throw away from the sea. It felt too much like home to be anything else.
Elissa kept her back toward the rest of her party who were talking to the Chargers, the new mercenary group they accepted into the Inquisition. She peeked over her shoulder and was glad to see that everyone seemed to get along with each other, though she figured it was hard to not bond over fighting evil Tevinter forces and celebrating with drinks afterwards. The Iron Bull noticed her glance over and the hulking beast of a man smirked at her. He stood up, promised his men he'd be back to continue the festivities and made his way over to her, somehow managing a smooth saunter for a person of his size.
She had forgotten the tears brought by the sound of the waves hitting the cliffs and rocks around them still streaked her face and wiped them away hurriedly, not wanting to seem like such a soft touch in front of the new Qunari spy in their ranks. He stood beside her and crossed his arms, taking in a deep breath and appreciating the peace and quiet beside the Herald of Andraste.
"Y'know Boss, it's not a bad thing if you look human to people," he stated matter of factly, not looking down at her. "But if you do want to seem like the big and important deal everyone is saying that you are, if you're caught being a person, don't be ashamed of it. Don't give them something they think they can hold over you."
Elissa sniffed inelegantly and laughed unbeknownst to herself.
"Ahh The Iron Bull, already making your services worth every copper aye?" she croaked, smiling up at him. He turned his head so he could see her from his one good eye and returned the grin.
"Nah, that one was a freebie. Figured I'd make nice with the new Boss," he chuckled light heartedly, instantly putting her at ease.Oh, he's a magnificent spy alright.
"... I'm... I'm not the boss," she tried to correct him but knew it was a losing battle. She had the mark. She was always going to be calling the shots. "My apologies for earlier, after the fight with those mages. I'm sorry."
Bull looked at her mildly startled, unsure as to why or what she could have been apologising for. They were already mid-fight when her team arrived, only taking a second for them to recognise Krem and who they must have assumed was 'The Iron Bull' and fought beside them immediately. He could tell she was no stranger to a fight and welcomed the assistance, Tevinter mages were sneaky and if the Chargers got out of the fight with fewer injuries due to the Inquisition, all the better. After the fight was won, they talked… then they opened wine... he truly could not place what the Herald of Andraste could have been talking about.
"You're sorry? For what?" he finally asked after scouring his brain.
Elissa blushed out of sheer horror at the memory of her behaviour. She half hoped that the giant and the dragon fighting further down the coast would stop their battle and notice her, hoping that one of the creatures would find her a somewhat appealing snack. Her hands rubbed at her cheeks in irritation, her skin too warm in the presence of the fresh sea air.
"I was staring at you quite rudely... you were not what I was expecting," she admitted quietly. In her head she had seen someone she was certain was Iron Bull. He was tall, the tallest man she'd ever seen, with a darker complexion, violet eyes and white hair in tight braids along his scalp. She had been so sure of it, travelling all the way to the coast, she could almost hear his voice in her head- yet when they arrived she was almost disappointed to see that her idea of him had been so wrong. Then she got an eyeful of Qunari nipples and quickly forgot about the unknown man she had pictured in her mind.
"My pecs right? Bigger than you thought they'd be?" he speculated, crossing his arms under his chest similarly to the barmaids back in Haven, accentuating their bosom quite impressively.
"Every part of you is bigger than I thought!" she laughed, lightly patting his arm, noticing her hand was barely half the width of his forearm.
"Boss, you keep talking like that and we are going to get on just fine," he snickered as he slapped her on her back, almost sending the woman toppling into the water. Elissa regained her footing and turned to face him properly.
"Truly, I am sorry for gawking at you like that. I have to believe my mother, whoever she is or was, taught me better than that."
"No shit, you don't know who your mother is either? We're more alike than you know!" he said, his grin widening.
"Oh, you were raised by people you don't know or can't remember?" she asked, genuinely interested in how an average sized human mage was at all similar to a giant horned Qunari warrior.
"Something like that. But just like you, I also took a great long perve at your ass when I came over to join you," he teased, testing the boundaries of their relationship as early as possible. Elissa looked at him incredulously before breaking into a smile with him.
"You're right Bull, I think we will be fast friends indeed," she agreed, copying his pose with her arms tucked under her chest earning her an appreciative expression from the warrior. "I guess I should play nice too, so I'll even let you look at it again as I get myself some of that wine Krem is sharing around."
"Krem was right, joining the Inquisition is going to be fun!" he called after her, standing back to get another eyeful of the Herald of Andraste and her almost-sacred ass.
The first time she came across one, it was just standing in the stream like it could have been any other Inquisition soldier, just casually minding its own business. However, even from a distance, she knew it was no ordinary man. Already knew how it would sound, how it would move and how it wouldsmell. How she knew all that? She didn't bother to dwell on it as the creature roared and directed its attention on her.
"-Blackwall," she whispered urgently to the man who was busy looking off the trail to find more clues about his missing brethren. "Blackwall!"she hissed a little louder which got his attention.
"Bloody hell, what are Darkspawn doing here?" he spat, drawing his sword out instinctively. "Stay back, do your best not to get its blood on you."
"Yes, we know how not to get blighted, Dear," Vivenne drawled, the air already starting to feel colder as she drew on her magic.
Sera made a noise and scrunched her face in disgust. She yanked an arrow out of her quiver and notched her bow in a fluid motion after seeing the wretched creature, "Bloody bastard, let me just fly this arrow and let's get back to camp!"
"Stop! If its blood gets into the water it will definitely taint everything!" Elissa bit back, her hand up as if she would physically catch the arrow if the archer had let it loose. "Let's get it away from there and we can kill somewhere on the land and burn it, make sure it doesn't blight this place too."
She looked to Blackwall who nodded at her assessment and suggested that both he and Bull make some noise to attract the foul beast away from the stream.
"Herald, be ready. Where one darkspawn is... there will be more. We should look around and make sure we find where they're coming from. Do what we can to make sure they can't come back out," he said, more impassioned than she had ever heard him sound.
"Of course, we can't have these things running around on the surface, we need to do what we can."
The warriors made a cacophony of noise; clanging their swords against Blackwall's shield and bellowed out brutish battle cries that even made Vivenne raise one eyebrow out of surprise. Just as the Warden had surmised, more of them poured out, enough to make Elissa worry that they did not have the rest of the Chargers to back them up.
The sky turned into a brooding canvas of grey and she could hear the sea behind them as it churned angrily, as if in sympathy for the chaos abound on land. Vivienne with robes billowing in the wind, raised her staff high and wove intricate patterns in the air. A blizzard surged forward, freezing some unlucky darkspawn in their tracks. The air crackled with arcane energy as she expertly controlled the frost, keeping the abominations at a distance while sending missiles of ice into their ranks, creating a deadly barrier between her allies and the encroaching threat. Another flurry of mana flew through the air and a wall of sharp ice shards had erupted from the ground, skewering a few of the cursed creatures and halting another approaching group's forward march.
Sera danced nimbly across the battlefield, her arrows landing with unerring precision. As she let fly a barrage of poison tipped arrows, she haphazardly hurled jars of bees into the fray all the while cackling maniacally. The darkspawn recoiled in confusion and agony, their usual coordination disrupted by the chaos the rogue expertly wielded.
The tips of Iron Bull's horns gleamed with splatters of blood as he charged through the darkspawn with a ferocious glee. He was a whirlwind of destruction, with each swing of his massive axe sending their foes through the air, and each howl of pain from his enemies a thrill that spurred him further into the furore. The reaver's combat prowess and sheer enjoyment of the carnage made him a one-man army, cutting through the darkspawn as if they were mere insects underfoot.
Blackwall tried to keep a vigilant eye on Elissa, his concern palpable as he moved in a protective arc around her, warding off darkspawn and trying to keep her within the safety of the group. Despite his best efforts, the darkspawn seemed to have an unsettling focus on her, sending more and more grunts to come between them. A swarm of darkspawn moved forward, breaking through their defences and isolating Elissa on the other side of her companions, pushing her far too close to the entrance of the caves. Blackwall's heart pounded in his chest, watching in horror as a swarm of the creatures all but engulfed the Herald in their mass. He cried out, rage-filled shouts rallying his comrades to see the situation before them.
She was in trouble.
Big trouble.
Elissa could hear Cassandra in her head yelling at her, berating her for not staying close enough to Blackwall or Bull. That she should have known better, seen it coming, expected the unexpected. Well, she bloody didn't expect to cross a bloody mini horde of darkspawn in the middle of the Storm Coast whilst they traipsed up and down the hills poetically looking for signs of the Grey Wardens for Blackwall.
Elissa fought as valiantly as she could, creating a fierce tempest of lightning and frost that crackled through the darkspawn, but it was not enough. There were too many and she was out of potions, her magic simply overwhelmed by their sheer numbers. She tried to resort to melee, but it only went so far when encircled by more than thirty darkspawn.
She could not understand it, there were only about 15 darkspawn when they first appeared but it seemed as if part of a large horde had been summoned, locked in on their location, and continued to spew forth from hell. Like… she was a beacon.
The darkspawn closed in and she braced for pain, for claws and teeth and steel; but their hold on her was firm but careful, almost reverent, as if they feared harming her. A fear washed over Elissa that she had never before experienced. It was cold and all encompassing. All she could see was darkness, all she could taste was terror. She knew if she was taken, she would be dead,worse than dead. She didn't know how or why she knew this, but she would rather be shattered into thousands of ice shards than be taken anywhere by these monsters. Elissa contorted so she could see her companions through the lumbering limbs of the horde, her frightened eyes and the strain in her body, a sight that none of them would soon forget.
"Kill me!"she screamed at the top of lungs, her voice clear over the shuffling armour and their unintelligible growls.
"KILL ME! KILL ME!KILL ME!"she repeated like a chant, each repetition growing more frantic.
"MAKER KILL ME BEFORE THEY MAKE ME KILL YOU ALL!"
The battle became a desperate push to follow and cull the darkspawn horde, each member of the group fighting with renewed urgency after witnessing the Herald's horror. The Inquisition's party knew they had to fight with everything they had; their lack of hesitation to follow into the enemy's domain, a foolish testament to their determination to save their ally. The flickering light of torches revealed the way ahead, guiding them through the darkness toward the source of Elissa's screams.
Blackwall wordlessly led the charge, his mind set solely on rescuing her. Sera's laughter died away as she doubled her efforts, her arrows showering down with reckless abandon. The initial thrill of the fight had turned to focused anger for Bull; his strikes deliberate and vicious as he carved a path through the darkspawn, clearing the way for his new comrades-in-arms. Vivienne tried to look impassive but even her magic reflected the storm of emotions within her. She assaulted them with a relentless barrage of magic, slowing and freezing any darkspawn that dared to approach them on their way to saving the Herald.
The dark cavern echoed with their gruff movements but Elissa could hear nothing over the frantic pounding of her own heart. The further the darkspawn dragged her into the depths, the more her dread mounted. The stench of the creatures was overwhelming; a sickly, rotting odour that twisted her stomach and made her head spin. The tight press of their bodies and their armour around her made her feel claustrophobic, their foul breath burning against her skin.
As she was hauled deeper into the caves and even lower underground, her mind became a maelstrom of chaotic, barely-remembered battles. Visions of herself, sword in hand, slicing through waves of darkspawn. Her shield bashed away at the never-ending tide of them, an image of an army of darkspawn rushing up a tower where a dragon's roar shook everything between the ground and the sky- it all flashed before her eyes. Each memory produced a jagged stab of pain, cutting through her resolve, dragging her further into panic. She saw herself in what looked like dwarven ruins, surrounded by dozens of darkspawn-no, not just darkspawn,alphas and emissaries- each of their faces twisted with hate.
Her present situation mirrored those nightmares past, yet these darkspawn showed an unsettling hesitation to harm her which only fuelled her anxiety. The beasts threw her into a room and bound her, the irons rusted over with rotting bits of flesh and blood that had long since dried. She had always thought that all darkspawn were completely mindless but the way these creatures were staring down at her, like they were trying to figure her out, made her question so many things. The spell caster of their horde pushed its face into hers, sniffing at her as it roughly held her chin to examine her face, trying to find something.
It pressed its ear to hers and Elissa could no longer hold onto the contents of her stomach; the feel of its moist, putrid flesh against her own had her guts churning. The captive mage threw up over the darkspawn and it growled in rage before hitting her across the face with the back of its hand. It got another three hits in before it was knocked to the ground by one of its own.
The larger darkspawn warrior skilfully overpowered the mage until it had the flailing creature in a chokehold; growling something low and threatening whilst it held Elissa's stare. It screamed out before it pulled back the emissary's head and smashed the forehead of her attacker into the ground, not relenting until it's skull cracked. Elissa almost threw up again at the sickening sound, the gruesome scene of dark tainted blood seeping into the floor along with bits of its skin and brain.
Her darkspawn saviour snarled at her and stood back up, claws dripping with the blood of his slain brethren. It grabbed her by the throat, wanting to taint her along with them. It made the same distinctive growl, the sound rumbling through her as it almost pierced her skin. The darkspawn roared with frustration when it was interrupted by her companions' arrival, the sounds of their fighting with the sentries just outside the door. It gave her a long, piercing look that deeply unsettled her before stepping over the fallen darkspawn mage, as if killing their own meant nothing to them.
The door was kicked open and she could see Bull tower over everyone, hacking his way to her. She cried happily, pulling at her restraints. One by one, she saw them flitter past and could hear herself sob, so grateful that they were alright.
"HERALD!" she heard Blackwall crow, out of breath but relieved to know she still lived.
"You owe me another ale woman, no dying today!" Sera shouted, weaving easily through the creatures. Pulling out arrows from her victims to reuse them as they fell dead.
"Boss!" Bull called out to her, followed by a snarl of him cutting through the straggling darkspawn.
"Darling, no crying. No one will get to say that the Herald of Andraste was harmed under my watch!" Vivienne demanded, her voice even as if she were sipping tea back at Haven, even though she was drenched in sweat and innards marred her ivory garb.
Elissa's breath came in ragged gasps as more memories overwhelmed her. Desperation clawed at her chest as she wrestled the frightening image forcing their way into her mind- too large to move, face deformed and torn open, resembling some sort of leech instead of a person. Its lips were gone, just open flaps of flesh and teeth… always teeth… always hungry. Small arms, long tentacles and acid that burned. When Elissa looked up at the horror again, it bore her own face and she shrieked as she watched herself tear apart and devour her friends.
Her mind was awash with a single, desperate plea that broke free.
"If more come, you kill me! That's an order! You leave me!You leave no women alive!"
It was driven by terror, a frantic hope that her companions might somehow understand the depth of her fears and prevent her, any of them, from falling into the darkspawn's hands.
The haunting words reached her companions even through the din of battle. Vivienne, set in her resolve, summoned the last reserves of her strength. She swallowed down her only remaining lyrium potion, and with the powerful surge of mana, she unleashed a tsunami of ice that swept through the cavern. Darkspawn were frozen mid-motion, their gaping maws and twisted limbs locked in place by the sudden onslaught. The icy torrent was followed by a furious blizzard, engulfing almost all the darkspawn in a frigid tomb.
Iron Bull laughed at the veritable smorgasbord of violence he could exact on the cursed creatures, his eyes ablaze with purpose. He swung his axe in wide arcs, shattering the frozen darkspawn with brutal efficiency. Sera set loose a volley of arrows and flasks, ensuring that any who escaped Vivienne's spell met a swift and painful end. Blackwall, with a roar that echoed through the cave, charged through the icy battlefield; his blade cutting through the remnants of the immobile horde, his eyes locking onto Elissa with a fierce but reassuring gaze.
As the last echoes of the battle faded, their path cleared; the Inquisition's party raced toward the huddled Herald, who was shaking so much her chains rattle reverberated within the hollow. Her face was beaten but she otherwise unharmed, though her eyes remained wild with a mix of emotions as she frantically scanned the room. Vivienne, Sera, and Iron Bull closed ranks around her, their presence a shield against whatever would come at them from the encroaching darkness.
They fell into a tense silence, broken only by their ragged breaths. Elissa, clutched at herself with her trembling hands and looked up at her friends, the gratitude in her eyes mingling with the lingering fear. Together, they had fought their way through such danger to save her. She had failed them.
"Y-you… you should have all killed me like I told you to. You risked your lives for nothing-" she began but was slapped by Sera, the elf frowning at her intensely.
"Shut it you, you got it?" she threatened, her hand ready to hit the mage again. "You're not nothing to us. We weren't gonna leave you, you're the bleedin' Herald of Andraste or whatever, you're the one we need to fix the hole in the sky. You're the one your little people look to. Not me. Not Lady Iron Pants over there. Or Beardy.You. So. Shut. Your. Mouth."
The Iron Bull wiped Elissa's face and neck with a comically large handkerchief, before cleaning himself up.
"What do you say Boss, you come back and we can seal this place up good and tight, make sure these darkspawn fucks stay here where they belong."
"They won't stay down here. They're looking, always looking…" she ranted, not quite back to herself, the echoes in her head making it hard to tell if what she was saying was real or just some terror induced blabber.
"Dear One, you've been through something horrid. Let's get you out of here and back to Haven. Give me some time to restore my mana and I'll patch us up, spick and span," Vivienne attempted to pull her up but Elissa roughly snatched her hands away, pointing to the man behind her.
"You! YOU!," she spat, fresh tears lining the rims of her eyes as she set her sights on Blackwall. "You were meant to know! Meant to feel them all! They were going toruinme. They were going to make me wish for death and then they wouldturnme into death. Over and over."
Blackwall stared at her stunned, unsure of what she was talking about, beyond horrified that she had confirmed his worst fears. She blamed him. It was all his fault. He almost let the Herald of Andraste slip through his fingers, and she was nearly taken by the very creatures he swore to hell and high water was his sole purpose for existing.
"Herald- I-"
"They search for them, they never stop. They need us. You could have stopped us from going, felt how many there were- but you didn't! You didn't! Youknewand youdidn't! You almost made me a Broodmother!" she wept uncontrollably. "A… Brood…" she panted before fainting in The Iron Bull's arms.
The team took the Herald's unconsciousness as a blessing, not wanting to waste another minute in the darkspawn den. They knew they didn't have much of a head start before more came to flush them out. A quick couple of turns with Sera's lock picks had Elissa freed and thrown over Bull's shoulder, leading the way back out to the cave's entrance. Even with just a spark of mana flowing through her veins, Vivienne made quick work of pulling down the walls of the darkspawn made opening, rocks filling up the space in no time.
"You should have your Chargers reinforce that with the Inquisition's forces here, Bull. What I've done will hold for a while but we want to make sure those things stay where they are," she instructed him.
"Yes, Ma'am," he automatically obeyed. Even if he wasn't a little intimidated by the woman who wore horns as fearsome as his own, he himself did not want to come across darkspawn again any time soon.
"And Warden, will it be you or I who sends a raven to the advisors letting them know of what transpired here?" she sneered, quick to blame him just like Herald.
"You should, so they can't say I left anything out. I'll stay behind here, make sure you all make it back to camp safely. When the Chargers and the rest of the Inquisition get here, I'll follow," he stated sullenly, not bothering to meet the Orlesian mage's gaze. Sera made to sit with him but was quietly shooed off. The Herald needed all the help she could get to keep her safe between the cave and the camp, and only friendly faces she could trust when she came to. He didn't need to be around to continue upsetting her, if he couldn't keep her safe in the first place. It was the least he could do.
Leliana sat down, shocked at the words that were written in the flowery, slanted script. There were darkspawn above ground again? And not just a random search party's worth but enough to end a small village if not for the strength of the mages that were there-yes Vivienne, understood, victory was secured due to your involvement-and… Elissa was taken?
"... by the time we arrived, the Herald of Andraste had been chained and almost tainted by one of the despicable things. Her face was swollen and she had light scratches, that thankfully, do not seem infected, but only time will tell.
We do not know what they did to her, she will not speak of it, or perhaps cannot, she does not seem to remember what happened to her...
...she was livid when she first saw Warden Blackwall, insisting he should have been able to tell us what we were about to encounter. Said he would be to blame should she be turned into a Broodmother, whatever that may be. However, when she woke up, she apologised to all of us for whatever fear had reduced her to, as if the poor dear had to..."
The Spymaster read and re-read the description of what happened but all she could focus on was the word Broodmother.
Elissa.
None of them had responded well in the Deep Roads when they realised what had happened to Laryn, but Elissa took it the hardest. Understanding what the monster before them was and knowing the revolting truth of what happened to women who were not instantly murdered during a darkspawn raid- it did something to her.
When Leliana had shot the final arrow that finished off the Broodmother, Elissa had stayed there hacking away at its mutilated body and tentacles long after it had died. She had admitted to the rogue that she could not bear to see what was once a proud dwarven woman, as one of them. She had tried her best to cut away what she could to help her resemble what she once was. Leliana could only imagine how petrified and angry Elissa must have been to almost be in the same position as poor Laryn.
It was just another thing she needed to add to the list of things they needed to speak about.
Although she did not understand his resolution, she did not question him. Blackwall had requested to stay back on the Storm Coast to continue his search for Grey Warden clues, and at the same time, assist in fortifying any possible darkspawn tunnels on the rest of the island. Sera had piped up and said she was going to stay with him, and The Iron Bull with his Chargers agreed that they would all remain and finish off the task before heading back to Haven, 'let it not be said that they ever left a job half done'.
Which left Elissa only Vivienne to speak to on their long journey back with Harding and the other scouts. She never knew if she was being mothered or condescended, but despite her chilly exterior, she could see that there was more than met the eye to Madam De Fer. She took immense pleasure in the great game, of course she did, she was bloody Orlesian- to say otherwise would be sacrilege. The First Enchanter, however, took even more joy in showing the Herald of Andraste how to hone her wonderful arcane abilities.
"Frost magic my dear, nothing is better. It is clean, crisp and classic don't you think?" she asked, peering over her shoulder at her as they travelled through Bannorn. She did not wait for her to answer, simply assuming that the Herald had agreed and continued on. "It makes sense for you to naturally gravitate to it, the affinity for lightning was a little perplexing but works well with your sensibilities- you are often quite surprising."
"I am going to take that as a compliment, Lady Vivienne," she replied, giving the older woman an obvious look from the side of her eye.
"Do. As it was meant as one," the Orlesian mage chuckled. "Whatever that apostate has taught you, it is not without merit. However his magic is not the same as ours, we should take this time to continue on with your tutelage Herald. Shall we begin with some theory after supper?"
"I-"
"Marvellous. I do not have any tomes with me but I have almost all of them committed to memory, I will simply recite them as we work."
"Well-"
"Wonderful."
Elissa stared at her with her mouth slightly open, feeling utterly subdued by this one bossy woman.
"How come I feel as if I was just taught something about how to negotiate with people?" she questioned, patting at Charlotte's mane hoping the horse would at least be on her side.
Vivienne made a noise of amusement in the back of her nose and offered Elissa a small but sincere smile. "My Darling Herald, I am always teaching. It is up to you to listen and learn."
As much as she felt at home by the sea, with the wind whipping at her hair and the sounds of the waves soothing away any anxiety she may have had, there was something to be said about the sounds of Haven. The creak of the wooden gates as she entered, the rhythmic singing of the hammers against the anvils in the forge, the soldiers bawdy banter as they smacked each other with swords and Maryden's muffled music from the tavern. It brought upon a different kind of peace that she didn't know she needed but felt lucky to be able to hear them all again after what had happened to her.
She didn't want to tell anyone she remembered what happened in the Storm Coast. Everything except what she had apparently yelled at them after being separated, but particularly whatever she said to Blackwall. All she recalled was the betrayal she felt and the bile in her throat when she looked at him. She had apologised, tried to chalk it up to fear and delirium from drinking too many lyrium potions at one time- and he said he held no grudge, but whatever she had said had shaken the Warden enough to refuse to meet her eyes, even as she bid them goodbye.
Elissa waved to Threnn and tried her best not to laugh at the sour expression the woman gave her, only ever garnering a smile from the Quartermaster whenever she was drunk. She greeted Vivienne who stowed herself away in the corner of the Chantry, with piles of books stylishly stacked around her. The mage wiggled her fingers in her general direction and flipped a page to continue reading without once lifting her eyes. Typical Viv.
The Herald stopped two steps away from the war room and could not help but smile. Her advisors were holed up in there and once again, predictably, arguing with each other. For Elissa, almost nothing else gave her more comfort than hearing them all passionately argue for their opinions, always just one misstep away from personally insulting the honour of someone's mother or perhaps telling each other to get fucked by a druffalo. It felt like siblings fighting, albeit with much higher stakes. It made it feel like a home.
She quietly opened the door and watched them from a small crack, all of them gathered around the table. Cullen was bracing himself against the table and she did not blame him. If she had to battle Sister Leliana she too would need support, the woman was formidable.
"We don't have the manpower to take the castle! Either we find another way in, or give up this nonsense and go get the templars!" he reasoned, walking over to Cassandra to support his suggestion. She returned his look with a small shake of her head, disappointing the former Knight-Captain.
"Redcliffe is in the hands of a magister. This cannot be allowed to stand," she replied hoping he could get past his concerns and see reason. He made a sound of annoyance but said nothing as he returned back to his spot at the table, his gaze searching the small map of Redcliffe.
" A Tevinter magister controls Redcliffe, invites us to the castle to talk, and some of us want to do nothing," Leliana scoffed, throwing a dirty look towards the Commander of their forces which exasperated the beleaguered ambassador between them.
"Not this again, you two need to stop this, if the Herald were to hear you both-"
"The Herald would be very disappointed, that still, no one calls her by her name," she said as she pushed the door open all the way, startling Josephine. "Sorry Josie, I'm always cutting you off."
"Not a problem, Herald. It is good to see you back," she said evenly. "We were just discussing how to tackle the next step of this plan. It seems we have hit another impasse."
"Ever the diplomat, Josie. I wouldn't call that discussing so much as those two butting heads and waiting for the other to pass out before claiming victory."
Cullen looked at her and almost relented but still chose to stand his ground; if there was one thing he knew, it was history- especially the battles within Ferelden.
"Redcliffe Castle is one of the most defensible fortresses in Ferelden. It has repelled thousands of assaults. If you go in there, you'll die. And we'll lose the only means we have of closing these rifts. I won't allow it," he barked out harshly, not realising how his frustration had twisted his worry to sound cold and callous.
Elissa did her best to not show her annoyance, only a second passing before she managed to slide a passive mask over her features.
"Oh, and here I thought we were starting to think of each other as something a little more than appendages Commander," she deadpanned, a little sore that that was all he saw her as. Not a friend, ally or even a cute piece of ass. Just the hand that could close rifts. It was all she was good for in the end.
"No... Herald, I misspoke-"
"It's quite fine Commander," she said, wanting to move on as quickly as possible. "You speak the truth. I am the only means of closing the rifts, I shouldn't take that as an offence. It is as you say, and nothing more," she concluded matter-of-factly which forced him to pause. "We can't just give up. There has to be something we can do. We can't get into the castle? Fine. We should go get the Templars first, and they help us deal with Alexius and then the Breach."
"My spies report the mages have already mobilised for war. Even if we succeed at recruiting the templars, it will be too late to stop Alexius," Leliana advised, passing her a small stack of scrolls from her scouts. Elissa quickly looked over them and could feel her stomach turn, there had to be something they were missing.
"Where is the Arl of Redcliffe? Where is Arl Eamon?" she asked, receiving puzzled looks from all the advisors except their redheaded Spymaster. Josephine cleared her throat and went to a nearby shelf to pick up a book of updated family trees of the Ferelden noble houses.
"After he was displaced, ArlTeagan rode straight for Denerim to petition the Crown for help... Arl Eamon has since retired his position to travel with his wife, as his son Connor could no longer inherit the Arling," she explained, her eyes darting between the three other members of the Inquisition.
Teagan... Teagan was Arl, not Eamon. Why did that name sound so... she turned to Leliana with shock apparent on her face, her hand flying to cover her gaping mouth, unable to lift her jaw from off the floor.
"Teagan. As inBannTeagan.ThatBann Teagan?" she uttered with her eyes bulging from her skull.
"One in the same," Leliana said with a satisfied smile.
Elissa raked her mind to put a face to the name. Arl Eamon. Connor. Redcliffe. The other man, the man that stood by Eamon's bed when he was asleep- the eerie scene of Redcliffe burning flashed quickly in her memory as well as a clear picture of a castle. A Templar and a windmill... a path of shambling corpses…
"Sister Leliana?" she asked so quietly, her advisors barely heard her. "What if... what if there was another way. A secret way?"
The redhead looked at her as if she were mad before she too recalled what the Herald had brought up. How could she have forgotten?!
"Of course, you're right! There's a secret passage into the castle, an escape route for the family. It's too narrow for our troops, but we could send agents through."
"The ring... we'd need the ring to get in won't we?" she probed, remembering the feel of the gold band in her hand, the way the seal of Redcliffe felt as she grazed her thumb on it. Did she really end up bedding Bann,ArlTeagan? How else could she know about the passage or held the ring? She must have been his lover to know something so intimate.
Leliana used every fibre of her being to not laugh in joy, Elissa was finally remembering things and with the greatest unbelievers bearing witness to it all. The Maker was good. The Maker was just.
"We could look into it Herald, there has been some damage to that area in recent years, perhaps it will not be necessary," she answered her, uncaring if she needed to find the urn of sacred ashes again to gain entrance into the castle, anything was possible now that Elissa was slowly coming back to herself. "Do... Do you remember how you know of this tunnel?"
"I- maybe? I know I've been in it. But that's all I seem to remember," Elissa said and shrugged at her limply.
Cullen looked over to the Herald and saw as her face grew paler the more she forced herself to remember. He had wanted to tell her to stop and not force herself for their account, but thought better than to patronise her by telling her whathebelievedherlimitations were. Especially whilst she was still angry at him.
"Too risky. Those agents will be discovered well before they reach the magister," he rebutted instead, forcing his eyes away from her.
"That's why we need a distraction. Perhaps the envoy Alexius wants so badly?" Leliana countered, her enthusiasm in the idea strengthening as more pieces of the puzzle came together.
"Focus their attention on the Herald while we take out the Tevinters. It's risky, but it could work," the Commander admitted, already calculating what needed to be done in order to give them the greatest chance to succeed.
"Fortunately, you'll have help."
All eyes focused on the unannounced man who waltzed into the war room like he owned it. Cullen had his sword half out ready to strike him down, scared that he was an assassin after the Herald. He was about to tell her to get out of the way when he noticed how she brightened up at the sight of him and he stilled his hand.
"Ah, Master Pavus! I was wondering when your wonderful self would finally join us here in Haven," she grinned widely at him which he returned effortlessly.
"Already missing me, Herald?" he chirped, a knowing smirk on his lips. "Of course you are. As you said I am quite wonderful and our time together in Redcliffe was far too brief. We will make quite the pair you and I, and look- we're practically already a matching set," he beamed, gesturing at their similarly coloured attire, almost forgetting that there were others in the room with them. Cullen noted how the Herald's posture changed as she instinctively drew closer to him. As far as Cullen, or the advisors, were advised- they had only met briefly in Redcliffe's chantry, was it normal for them to be so comfortable around each other? Were they not strangers?
He was so lost in his thoughts he did not notice the scout who had accompanied the mage introduce the man before he hastily retreated back into the town.
"Your spies will never get past Alexius's magic without my help. So if you're going after him, I'm coming along," he insisted confidently, which bothered the Commander more than he'd care to admit.
There were still too many unknown variables and too many things that could go wrong, which in this case would result in the death of someone they could not replace. It made his headache worse and unnerved him like nothing had since the battle in the Kirkwall Gallows, but it was not his decision in the end. He faced the Herald and looked into her eyes, urging her to understand all the ramifications of her choices, not only for the world but for herself. She could die.
She could die... again.
Cullen shifted uncomfortably at the thought of sending her into another dangerous situation. If she was truly the Hero of Ferelden, hadn't she already done enough? Couldn't they just let her rest and live the rest of her life somewhere far away, warm and happy and not fighting other people's wars?
"The plan puts you in the most danger. We can't, in good conscience, order you to do this. We can still go after the templars if you'd rather not play the bait. It's up to you."
Elissa took a steadying breath and went over everything one more time, to make sure the next course of action they took would make the most sense for them all. Be the most likely to succeed.
"I haven't tried to run head first into danger for at least a week, so it seems I am long overdue," she joked, staring back at Cullen whose stomach felt like it fell below his feet. "To Redcliffe then. We shouldn't keep the Magister waiting for too long, can't have them tell the world that we were late for our own trap. Imagine the gossip."
Josephine and Leliana had begun discussing what they required so they could move forward with the Herald's plan whilst Cassandra clasped Elissa's shoulder to show her support. Dorian quickly lost interest and had started to review the volumes on the desk in front of him when he found a tome that caught his eye and Cullen-
Cullen offered her a half smile as he pushed the marker he had on Therinfal Redoubt off the map, leaving the only marker on Redcliffe castle. He was still not sure about anything and all he wanted was to do what was right for the people of Thedas, even if it meant putting himself in a vulnerable position by placing his faith in mages once again. He trusted that Elissa always had always tried to do the right thing; mage or not, Herald or not, and that was just going to have to be enough.
At the first instance she saw she could leave, Elissa practically bolted out of the war room and into the tavern. She was not hungry, nor was she in want of drink, but noise. That was what she needed. Her training with Solas had been paying off, she didn't black out. That was an improvement.
The pain had not lessened, but she was learning to work through, breathe and endure it. She was certain she was about to vomit when she remembered the weight of the signet ring in her hands but she set her mind to not fight against the pain, but accept it, bear it and she managed to stay conscious-huzzah.
Still, it did not make it easier to see things she did not understand. Mere glimpses into the person she was made her frustrated beyond imagination. Seconds of clarity and to have it all snatched away from her made her want to set the frozen lake ablaze. Fist fight a bear. Train with Cullen. She snorted at herself,Cullen. The Commander of the Inquisition forces and all round nice guy... and his thinly concealed distrust and paranoia of all things mages. And however the hell he felt about her.
Elissa bit her lip to distract her from her thoughts, it would not help to ruminate over what the warrior said to her earlier. It was not like she could call him her friend, he was her advisor and a leader of their army. She knew nothing more about him than what was afforded through basic chit chat, and the same could be said in return. So it shouldn't hurt that he only saw her as a means to an end. The Commander was nothing if not pragmatic and direct. It made sense.
Asshole.
Maryden had started another round of songs and had half the tavern singing along, helping to drown out some more of her more bitter thoughts. She found herself missing a certain yellow trousered elf; if Sera were with her she'd have a friend to sit and eat with, the chatty chit's million mile an hour mouth enough distraction for her. Perhaps she'd even be able to laugh. Elissa had thought about visiting Solas but unfortunately both he and Varric were asked to attend to wounded soldiers at the forward camp and not expected back for another day at the earliest. She supposed she could have asked Dorian to sit down and get to know him more but he was so engrossed with his reading that he barely looked up when she had said goodbye to everyone.
"Here you go Miss, Madam Flissa said to get you a good helping of tonight's dinner- Maker's breath!"
Elissa felt the near scalding soup seep through her clothes and burn her skin. It was nothing some salve couldn't fix but it was still something she had not accounted for when she went in search of a distraction. She could hear that the serving girl was making a fuss and looked up to simply dismiss the mishap as an accident when the woman started crying.
"Mistress! Andraste be praised!It's truly you!" she wept, falling to her knees and enticing more than half the bar to watch her in confusion. Elissa quickly forgot about the pain of the soup and felt a chill pass over her. She knew this woman, she knew she did. Her face was so familiar but she did not know from where, and no name that came to mind. "I... I heard, well that is to say,we had heardthe rumours but we thought naught of it all, it was madness to think any of it was true. Yet you're here. In the flesh, alive and well."
Ah, another person who truly thought she was 'the Herald of Andraste'. She'd come across a few recruits who treated her like the second coming and she had tried her best to talk them out of it but they would not listen to reason. It was much easier to thank them for their service and wish them all the best and leave as swiftly as possible.
"Oh yes, hello there. Welcome to the Inquisition-," she started but the lady wasn't really listening. The barmaid grabbed her hands and held them fast against her own chest, her tears dripping freely on them both.
"Is it truly you? It Is! Oh, My Lady!-"
"There is no need to address me as such, please stand-"
"How can I not address my Lady Cousland as such? You have always been our Lady!" she replied as if what Elissa had said was blasphemy. "To hear of all you achieved when you escaped the castle, only to sacrifice yourself-... oh I can't even say it... But I left our city and joined the Inquisition. I did it because you inspired me, all of us back home really! I thought maybe I could help change the world, even just a little, nothing like what you did of course. Oh, your brother my lady! Your brother is going to be thrilled to hear you truly yet live- M-My Lady!"
Elissa had jerked her hands away from the kneeling woman with such force the barmaid almost fell forward and had to catch herself against the table frame.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... are you alright?" Elissa asked shakily, standing to her feet.
"No need to apologise my Lady," she said with stars and tears in her eyes. "You never have to apologise to anyone, you're a hero!Our hero! Lady Elissa, you saved us from the Blight all those years ago, and now you're here, to save us from the Breach."
The whole bar stilled at the serving girl's words, only the sound of the crackling of the fire could be heard. Everyone had heard the rumours, of course they had, however there was never any concrete evidence, and she herself never alluded to the fact that she was a national hero, who also happened to be brought back to life. Elissa tried to focus, to hear Solas' words about her breathing, honing her spirit as her staff, her sword, her shield- anything she needed to support herself through any pain- but found she could not. Every eye in the tavern was fixed on her, unvoiced whispers hanging in the air, wreaths of hope being thrown around her neck like stifling chains of expectation that she could not hold up on her own.
"I... I need to go," she muttered stiffly as she eased her way past the barmaid and out of the Singing Maiden, refusing to meet anyone's eyes as she left. She let the cold air hit her as she quietly willed her heart to stop beating so fast. The woman was mistaken, obviously. No one comes back. She just looked like this woman, the one who helped with the last Blight. Obviously. People look like other people, even people with the same name, it would be stupid to say otherwise. So, so stupid.
"Oy, Flissa- this new girl for real? Who does she think she is saying that to the Herald?"
"Davie, you leave Rosemary alone."
"Is what she said true though? Is the Herald of Andraste really the same person as the Hero of Ferelden? How is...how is that even possible? She's been dead for over a decade!"
"I was in Denerim during that time... I always knew that the Herald looked familiar!"
"You're from Highever? You knew her before all this?"
"Aye. She's the sister of Teryn Cousland. I was one of the minor ladies of her court back in Highever. I'd know her anywhere. Used to think she was sweet on my brother, Rory. He was friends with my Lady since he was sent to squire for her family, he was one of their Knights-"
Elissa dry heaved into her mouth and managed a few steps to the fence and spat out the bile that rose from within her. Images of a handsome young man with bright red hair came forth to her, smiling, laughing, telling her to hold her shield closer to her body... face splattered with blood as he forced her to leave him behind. A broken and twisted corpse piled on top of others, lifeless eyes staring up at her. More bile came up as tears fell from her eyes, her chest burning from more than just the acid.
Her tentative hold over herself was slipping, her mark starting to spark menacingly as her heart continued to thrash within her chest. She could not put these people in danger. She willed her feet to move, even if they were unsteady and wanted to trip on themselves, she moved forward. Faster and faster until she was running out of the gate, ignoring Dorian as she passed by him even as he yelled after her.
Elissa dashed past the troops, already sitting around their tents and settling in to share battle stories and ale driven camaraderie. She closed her hand around her fist, desperate to shield them from any further worry. She swore she could hear some lieutenants call after her to see if they were needed or if they should be ready for battle, but she could only scream out "No!" into the wind as she brushed past them all.
She made it to the old apothecary hut before accidentally slipping and hitting her chin on the ground, the harsh collision stealing the wind out of her panic as her teeth chattered together from the impact. She forced herself up and did not bother to wipe away the snow that clung to her clothes and skin, the cold doing wonders for her nerves and the burn on her leg. Elissa followed the path to the logging stand and sat behind the new piles of chopped wood; normally she'd be worried that bugs would come out and attack her but insects were the least of her worries. All she wanted was to be alone, away from their eyes and away from their... hope. Away from whoever they thought she was. Because the person she was, right there in Haven, wanted to cry and pretend that it didn't matter if she did. That each tear that fell was not a failure on her part to be their Herald; proof that the hopes put on her shoulders were misplaced and that she was the anchor that would bring them to devastation.
Cullen would have been lying to himself if he said he was 100% present for the rest of the meeting after Elissa left. He prided himself for being professional and able to do the job he was tasked with, but the knowledge that he had perhaps offended the Herald left him unfocused and unable to think on any one topic for longer than two minutes. He was a flawed man, he knew this for certain, however he also knew he was also a kind man. He had not meant to hurt her, it was his guilt that clouded his mind. And nothing else, surely.
He had made up his mind to search for her on the morrow and apologise, to explain it was his worry for her safety that had made him express himself so poorly. That he worried for her and for the people should she get hurt, captured or killed. All of the things making him more and more uncomfortable to even think of.
He let the cool mountain chill soothe his warm skin, thankful the lyrium withdrawal symptoms were bearable that day. It was only anxiety that caused his heightened body temperature.Tomorrow. I will apologise tomorrow. Tonight- I need to eat.The Commander found his way to the tavern, ready to slip in and out as he always did, the troops too busy in their merriment to notice their superior officer. Cullen had hoped that he would find the same ease as always, but was shocked to find The Singing Maiden almost completely silent; most people either whispering amongst themselves or taking long swigs of their drinks as their gaze looked to the distance, lost in deep contemplation.
Cullen stopped in his tracks, instantly fearful that perhaps he was stuck in the Fade again. That this was some work of an unknown demon pulling his strings. He quickly dismissed the thought and made his way to the bar where Flissa stood, wiping mindlessly at the countertop, the bench completely clean and dry. He cleared his throat which snapped the tavern owner out of her trance, jumping slightly at the sight of him.
"Oh, I'm so sorry Commander! I don't know where my mind is tonight," she apologised, her cheeks flushing brightly. "What can I get for you? Something to drink? I think we all need something to drink. Something strong."
Cullen furrowed his brow at her, she knew he didn't normally drink anything with dinner except the odd glass of wine here or there when the cold became a little harder to stand.
"Oh silly me- you- you don't, ignore me Commander Cullen will ya? Afraid we're all just a lil off kilter right now," she explained as she ran both hands through her hair, the look of astonishment painted over her and everyone else's faces within the quaint pub.
"Why? What happened here?" he asked, wanting to understand what occurred within their camp. If it had everyone rattled, it did not bode well for them. There went his chance for a quiet dinner, he could already see himself standing around the war table with the others trying to find a way to fix whatever came to pass.
"Did you already know Commander? It's okay if you tell us. Did you know about the Herald?" she asked quietly, as if the whole bar wasn't listening in on their conversation.
Which bloody scout read the letter from Vivienne? If they all thought they were about to get the damned Blight from her because she was captured by some bloody darkspawn- he'd have the guilty party digging out latrines long after the Inquisition disbanded.
"I am unsure of what you are trying to imply, Flissa," he said curtly, hoping the woman would either spit out what she was trying to say, or just drop it and fetched him something hot to eat.
"Come off it, Commander, you all knew and you didn't tell us- as if we'd have done something bad to her!" one of the soldiers called out.
"It's really not any of your concern, or anyone's concern- so if you could please leave the Herald-"
"Not of our concern? She's the Hero of Ferelden! We're all guilty of looking at her and treating her like a murderer after that business with the Conclave, but she's the reason we're all still bleedin' here! It's not right, we all need to apologise to her!" Flissa cried out, clearly moved by some version of the Grey Warden's story she had in her mind.
Cullen paused and turned around to look at everyone in the bar, all watching and waiting for him to answer- as if he could. As if it washisanswer to give to them.
"I don't know where you got this idea from-"
"The new serving girl- she's from Highever. Says she knew her back then. Confirmed that it's her," one of the scouts replied, pointing to the red haired lass cleaning up a spill on the floor, the rest of the bar murmuring their agreement.
"From her hair, to her nose, her height and her voice. The Herald of Andraste is Lady Elissa Cousland. I'd stake my life on it," she declared, mopping up what looked to be someone's spilled dinner.
"Did she confirm it?" Cullen croaked out, unsure of what he wanted the woman to say.
Rosemary shook her head but still looked defiant, confident that her assessment of her mistress was correct.
"She didn't. But she didn't need to- I was with Lady Cousland from her twelfth name day until the day Howe's men attacked Castle Cousland. I was lucky enough to be spared to see the day my Lady has been reborn," she stated loudly for anyone to hear. Not a shred of hesitation in her voice or eyes.
Cullen had thought for a second that perhaps this woman was sent in to create discord amongst the ranks, but what good would that do? Make peoplemoreadoring of her? Force them into believing she truly was Andraste's chosen one? Hardly the best tactic to debilitate an army founded on religion.
"I-If she did not confirm it, what did she do? What did she say?" he questioned, hoping to understand what happened to the Herald and why she was no longer at the tavern.
"She said nothin', Commander. She just said she needed to get out of here and ran off," Flissa replied, leaning against the counter. "I do hope she was alright though, poor dear already looked a little pale when she came in, didn't look much better on her way out."
"She's the flippin Hero of Ferelden! We got nothing to worry about now!"
"You think they'll make us proper knights or give us titles and stuff after this? She's a noble right? They do that sort of thing to members of their army."
"Maybe we can have Teryn Cousland's men fight this war with us, they're proper army they are, or maybe we could call on the Queen's guard. They'd help out the Hero of Ferelden for sure!"
"If she's a Lady, does that mean she'll need to marry?"
"Fancy your chances, do ya? Bloody bellend. 'Sif you ever stood a chance when she was just the woman who fell out of a rift. Now she's a proper Lady, you're not even fit to look at her boots!"
"Inquisition!" he barked angrily, cutting the chatter instantly. "You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Nothing has changed. She is our Herald, and yes she has had difficulties since the Conclave. We all know she doesn't remember everything from before the day she woke up from her injuries and- and whether or not she is or isn't the Hero of Ferelden, you all need to stop watching and talking about her like some sort of spectacle. She deserves more respect than that as a member of the Inquisition, no matter who you all think she is."
His feet were moving before he knew what he was doing. Cullen knew he had to find her, she was already pushing herself during the meeting; if she had been forced to endure such a shocking revelation as to who shemayhave been prior to the Conclave- she was probably passed out somewhere and in danger. How about if she had hit her head on the way down? Fell through a thin patch of ice in the lake or if she had left camp entirely and was wandering the damned mountainside in her condition. She'd never be found.
He stepped outside of the main encampment and stood beside his tent, trying to whittle down the places she would have most likely gone. The beauty of the Herald was that she would often just pop up whenever he had happened to be thinking of her, he never really had to seek her out before.
"She went running that way, Commander," someone from beside him said.
Cullen looked to his left and found the Tevinter standing beside him, pointing out across the frozen lake.
"I'm not quite sure where, I asked some of the soldiers where that path led to and they said it would be to one of the piers or maybe the abandoned hut. She's a smart girl, she's probably in there wanting some time alone," Dorian postulated, his right hand scratching at his jaw thoughtfully.
"Why would you say that?" Cullen asked, cringing at the sound of the worry that tinted his voice.
"Oh, I don't know," the mage began as he crossed his arms to keep himself warm, "perhaps it was the fact that she looked like she was Fade stepping from here to there at the speed she was running away from the camp. Or perhaps because she was crying, or a twisted combination of both. Take your pick Commander."
"Why didn't you go after her? How could you let her go off like that?" he snapped, angry that the man hadn't rushed after the woman when she so desperately needed a friend.
The Tevinter raised both his eyebrows and scoffed at Cullen, not quite understanding where the sudden anger came from.
"Perhaps because I don't know the woman from a bar of soap. Which this camp needs by the way, many many bars of soap. Urgently."
"Mage- I am in no mood-"
"Warrior. I do not care," he interrupted, flashing him an unimpressed glare. "Why do you not go after her now? Are you not her friend? Her advisor? Why are you wasting time trying to admonish me, when she could use your support and a fluffy shoulder to cry on?"
Cullen stopped himself from saying something he would regret, the man had a point.
"I... Thank you, for your help, Master Pavus."
"There we go. That lovely Fereldan hospitality I was told of, knew it would show itself here sooner or later," he teased as he headed back toward the tavern.
Cullen searched the small cabin but quickly found she was not there, nor had anyone been there for a while. He saw a messy dip in the snow where she must have tripped, and her footprints that were starting to be filled by the soft snowfall. Dutifully, he followed the steps and found her huddled behind the logs, whimpering quietly with her hands fisted in her hair. He was not one for words, he would not be the person you went to if you were searching for comfort or reassurance. He should have called for Josephine or even Cassandra, but he was there now, and the Herald needed him to do something other than second guess himself.
"Herald, you can't stay here, you will freeze through," he said as gently as he could, not wanting to startle the woman.
She peered out from under her hands to see who was speaking to her. When she realised it was him, she narrowed her eyes at him and moved herself a little further away.
"Yes, I can. And it sounds like a good plan to me," she pouted, her voice muffled as she tucked her chin into her chest for added warmth.
"Would you like my surcoat? You must be cold out here," he offered, already half out of the garment with the intent to drape it over her.
"I'm fine thank you."
"You will get sick," he tried to reason, only to be cut off by the Herald lifting up her left palm to flash the green mark in his direction, then flip her hand around and give him the finger.
"Can't have the only way to close the Breach, catch a cold and die can we?" she spat, looking up at him angrily. He paused and accepted her rage, he deserved it.
"I am sorry Herald, a poor choice of words on my part," he apologised, giving her a half bow to demonstrate his sincerity.
"It doesn't matter. I'm fine. Please leave it be Commander," she said, trying to shrug it off and get rid of him in one fell swoop.
"Come Herald, let us get you home so you can rest and-"
"I'm not who they say I am," she blurted out, staring at one blade of grass that had managed to peek through the snow. "Whoever it is they think I am. I can't remember a damn thing but I can't be her."
"…If you are not her… why does the thought of being her upset you?" he questioned, hoping to help the woman centre herself in all the chaos. He could never imagine the position she was in, nor would he want to. He could, however, be there as best as he could as she worked it out. Cullen groaned slightly as he sat down beside her, his body angry at him for not moving more now he was stuck strategising and planning for battles rather than being out there and fighting himself.
Elissa unconsciously repositioned herself closer to him, her body craving the warmth that seemed to radiate off the Commander. She stilled as she took a moment to ponder his question, it was one she did not think to actually ask herself.
"It hurts. They're comparing me to this person, this impossible person that I can't live up to, can't possibly be. They already look to me to save them... but now they look at me as if I'm birthing the damn Maker himself. Like they expect evenmorefrom me... is that even possible? Like it's not already enough? This is too much Cullen, I can't fucking deal with this."
The Commander sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, nodding at what the Herald had confessed. Everything she said was true. He understood that it was all insane, people coming back from the dead? Being someone who had been dead for over a decade who also just happened to be a name everyone alive in Ferelden knew and admired? Add on to that she had a magical mark on her hand that was trying to kill her and the world, and she was now the only one who could stop the next Armageddon from happening? That was too much for the Inquisition as a whole to bear, let alone one person. How she managed to continue on as she had was beyond him.
Cullen turned to her and saw she had moved even closer to him, her hands wrapped in the hem of his surcoat. She was bathed in the moonlight which made her skin glow, the light lengthening the shadows of her eyelashes making her look ethereal. He could tell her nose was a little red from the weather and her eyes slightly puffy from her crying, but even so, no one could say the woman was not one of the most beautiful women in Thedas, certainly the most beautifulhehad ever seen. Cullen saw how her tears framed the rims of her eyes and he felt his heart constrict against his better judgement.
"Don't be her," he suggested plainly.
"What?" she asked, tilting her head so she could see his profile better.
"Don't be her, then. You're not her," he stated, earning him another confused look from her. "You're you, whoever that is, on any given day. You are our Herald, and a valued member of the Inquisition. We are withyou. You are not dealing with this alone."
He summoned up his courage and wrapped his hand around her surcoat covered hands and squeezed firmly, in what he hoped was seen as an act of solidarity, and not him being forward with her. He stood back up, proud not to have groaned out like too much of an old man as he did so and offered his hand out to her.
"I'm sorry I called you an asshole," she sniffed looking at his hand.
"I- when? You didn't call me one," he spluttered, confused.
"Oh. Well. Sorry for thinking about calling you an asshole then," she amended, shrugging one shoulder.
Cullen snickered and dropped his hand for a moment before leaning further down and offering it to her once again.
"To be fair to you, I probably deserved it."
"Worse."
"Most likely. Now please, come back with me Herald-"
"Elissa."
"Pardon?" he asked dumbly, completely aware of what she had just said. He had just not thought that she'd ask him to call her by her name.
"My name. My name is Elissa. Please feel free to use it," she repeated, finally accepting his hand but made no move to stand yet, her eyes fixed on his.
He could feel his cheeks start to heat up and he was thankful his back was toward the moon so she could not see his face as it coloured something ridiculous.
"It would be improper-"
"It would make me feel better," she rebutted, tugging at his hand to let him know she was ready to stand. He smiled and pulled her up with a firm hold. Her feet twisted amongst themselves and she fell forward, her cheek landing with a thud on his chest plate and her front pressed to him as his free arm encircled her to hold her steady.
She clung onto his hand and his bicep for dear life as she slowly regained feeling in her legs. In hindsight, sitting outside in the snow was not the brightest of her ideas.
"S-sorry," she whispered into the fur of his surcoat. "Both feet are asleep."
"I am in no rush He-… Elissa. Take your time," he soothed, his thumb caressing the back of her hand sending tingles through her. Even through his gloves, there was no mistaking the effect of his touch on her. "If… if I am to call you by your name, it would only be right if you also addressed me as, as Cullen," he offered as an afterthought, not doing much to distract her from the pleasant sensations shooting up her arm.
"I.. thank you, Cullen," she said, smiling to herself. The only time she'd ever called him by his name was during the first time he trained her and it was by accident. To have permission to call him by his name, while holding his hand when they were alone as snow fell beautifully around them it made her want to rethink their situation. That maybe he really didn't just think of her as just the mark, that maybe he could think of her as something more. Given the chance.
They stood there for what may have been hours as Elissa's legs slowly came back to life. Even as she tested her feet and knew that she would be able to walk, she did not step away from the Commander, still wrapped up in his embrace. She knew that it was not a romantic gesture, not by any means, but still- she could not help but imagine what it would feel like if it was. How much better it would have felt if there wasn't such armour between them, both physically and metaphorically. He was still the Commander and she the Herald, it would take a lot of peeling back before anything could happen… if he was even open to anything happening.
It was not the ending to her night she expected considering how it started, but she was not going to complain about where her weaknesses had led her to. Better melancholic about what would probably never be between them than the alternative; her crying, alone, and then dragging herself to camp because her legs were half frostbitten.
She watched as torches were lit around the camp and saw a number of different parties were headed out in different directions- no doubt in search of her. How embarrassing. Sending out a search and rescue team like she was some lost child. Elissa motioned toward the camp to Cullen and he groaned, of course one of his men or perhaps another advisor had heard of what happened in the tavern and worried that the Herald of Andraste would have run away or perhaps gotten herself hurt. Just like he did.
"...That looks like our cue to return. Please come with me, Elissa," he said, finally stepping away from her.
She nodded and allowed him to silently lead her back to camp. As they walked side by side, they had not remembered that they were still holding hands until Leliana ran up to them with a relieved expression at their return. Her deep blue eyes flicked between them both and locked onto their joined hands. Cullen and Elissa almost jumped apart from each other. They had just walked through the soldiers, the main camp and almost made it to her cabin, hand in bloody hand. As if they went off to have a romantic lovers' tryst instead of having a damned mental breakdown.
"I… slipped," Elissa said lamely, although it was partially the truth.
Leliana raised one eyebrow at her but said nothing.
"I found the Herald, fallen near the logging stand. She had troubles feeling her legs for a time so with the sleet as it was, I thought it safer to assist her back," he added even more lamely.
Leliana raised her other eyebrow and crossed her arms before saying that she was glad that Elissa was back and that she was…fine. Cullen walked with Elissa the rest of the way to her cabin, Leliana in the background watching them both.
"So much for calling me by my name aye, Commander," she teased, unable to control herself.
Cullen smirked and crossed his arms defensively.
"You do realise that I will never call you by your name in front of the members of the Inquisition?" he asked, cocking his head to the side.
Elissa smiled and thought she would test her luck once more, drawing on the courage of whoever she was, is, and could be there in that moment. She raised herself onto the tips of her toes so she could reach his ear, completely aware that there were still eyes very much upon them.
If she was going to be watched, she may as well give them all a damn great show they could talk about. She chuckled and could not help but feel proud at the sight of Cullen flinching at the feel of her breath on his skin and whispered just loud enough for him to hear.
"Of course, Commander."
Elissa stepped back and smiled deviously up at him before mouthing "goodnight" and entered her cabin. Cullen had turned and was faced with a less than impressed Spymaster, glaring at him like one of the Mother's he used to take lessons from in the Chantry on the rare occasions he got into trouble.
"...She tripped, Leliana!"
Leliana's ire simmered down and she gave him a pitying look as she shook her head and headed back to her tent, not saying another word to him. Cullen looked back and happened to see the Herald sitting on her bed, loosening her braid with a soft smile on her face, the light of the fire flattering her features a warm glow.
This girl was going to get him in a lot of trouble, he just knew it.