The quiet ticking of the clock in the dining room.
The howling wind with snowflakes attacking the windows.
The gurgling hiss of his coffee pot.
Hizashi felt half ready to climb out of his own skin. Half ready to rip his hair out of his head as his fingers drummed anxiously on the table before him with his phone resting before him. The screen black. It had his fingers drumming anxiously on the table with sharp strikes that filled the quiet of his small dining room. His left hand was pressed over his mouth as he leaned into it, his elbow digging into the table. He didn't understand how people did this.
He didn't know how the hell he had been so calm, so rational, but now he felt ready to fall apart. He felt ready to vomit on his feet the way Izuku had all those months ago. He didn't know what to do with himself. His knees bounced anxiously beneath the table while his gaze locked onto the black screen of his phone. Waiting for the confirmation text that told him Shouta was on his way. His cup of coffee was growing cold by his drumming hand.
It was too bad he didn't have the excuse of caffeine to explain away his jittery state. He didn't know what to do with himself. He was wasting his cup of coffee, but he couldn't bring himself to drink it. Couldn't bring himself to add to the nerves that were twisting in his chest leaving him utterly breathless. He felt ready to curl up under the table just to make the emotions go away. To make this situation he welcomed upon himself go away. But he needed to do this. Had to do this.
Drumming his fingers sharply against the table with his palm pressing against his lips firmly with his gaze locked on his phone with the threat of doubling. His gaze threatening to glaze over as he waited for the confirmation text from Shouta. After he had sent his text the other night claiming they needed to talk, Shouta had agreed. How easy it had been to talk to the black-haired man who seemed to send his messages quickly. Was it because he missed talking to him?
Or because he wanted to get this over with as well? He had not a clue, but it had been easy to set up a time for them to meet. Nemuri offered to take the boys from him for the night again, which he appreciated. His sons, on the other hand, didn't seem as happy spending the night away from him. But he promised that they'd spend more time together and decorate the tree first thing tomorrow morning. He just needed one afternoon to himself to work this situation with Shouta out.
He'd never been the nervous type yet here he was unable to keep one body part still. His knees were jackhammers beneath the table and his fingers drummed impatiently on the surface of the table. He didn't know how to do this despite having practiced the words to himself for hours. Days. He knew how to say it yet here he was feeling struck wordless. Scared shitless. He wasn't sure how he was going to squeeze out the words he needed to say but he was determined to get this done.
Being nervous was a given, wasn't it? This was a talk that they needed to have if they wanted to go further together. If they wanted to continue being friends. If, somehow, they decided to come together as a couple. He pressed his palm tightly to his mouth to keep himself from chewing at his fingernails. They were already ripped down to the quick and his cuticles were stripped raw from his nervous biting throughout the day. His restless picking at his fingers until they bled.
He had a few Band-Aids around his fingers which broke up the red and green pattern of his nails, but it was fine. He had been practicing what he wanted to say for days. He knew what he had to say. He knows how to say it. It was just a matter of sitting Shouta down and making sure that he heard him. That he understood what he meant by it. He knew what he was going to say, and he knew how he was going to say it. But it didn't make it any less nerve wracking.
Didn't make it any less anxiety inducing. After all, there were many ways that this could go down. It could go bad. It could go okay. It could go horribly. It could go amazingly. There was a wild array of how this was going to go today but he was determined to do it. All day today he'd been determined to get this talk over with. He'd woken with a pit in his stomach, however, but he'd tried his best to push through it. To choke down his breakfast while his sons chattered on about their last day at school.
What they'd be doing according to their teachers, and he'd been happy to see the sparkle in their eyes. The excitement of Christmas looming a mere handful of days away. It distracted him quite a bit when he watched them bounce in their car seats on the way to school where he saw them off. From there, he'd been a bundle of nerves when he entered the school. He was in for an easy day work wise with a movie and notes to be taken by his students.
However, when he had entered the staff room, he'd found Shouta sitting at his desk. This time there was no quiet looks of longing. No glances away. No, instead there was a determination to Shouta that he hadn't seen in the days of silent treatment. There was a resolute set to his jaw, a jut to his chin, with a sparkle of determination in those dark eyes when he had placed his things down at his desk. His heart had nearly jumped out of his damned chest at the sight of Shouta staring at him like that.
As if their talk was going to happen whether he liked it or not despite it being him to be the one to break the one sided communication that had been going on. Reaching out to tell him they needed to talk. It was a look that remained each time he saw the black-haired man throughout the day. When he had a moment where he caught those dark eyes following him. Full lips pinched together in a tight purse before looking away rather unwillingly. As if he didn't want to look away.
And strangely enough, his nerves clawed their way to the surface. He'd been a stuttering mess when he said his goodbyes to his class to which he surprisingly got a few cards from them on their way out. He'd been a bouncing mess when he accepted his check from Nezu in his office before departing for the last time. He'd been scared Shouta would pop out in the parking lot where the ice and snow crunched under his boots as he made his way to the car.
Terrified that somehow the black-haired man would want the conversation right then and there in the parking lot. He didn't run into him, thank goodness, but as he sat in his car, he'd gotten the dreaded text. Shouta asking him when, where, and what time. And he'd set a time; four o'clock. His house. The dining room. It had been easy spitting them out without thinking but he'd been eager to get this over with. To make sure that he was ready he hadn't thought of what his nerves would have to say about a talk like this.
It had him absolutely bouncing in his seat on the way home from work where he'd then spent the past hour going on two trying to relax. He hadn't sipped his coffee, yet he'd prepared a cup. He'd fussed with a few grapes and chips but hadn't been able to bring himself to eat them and returned them to their places in the kitchen. He had gone so far as to scrape the walkway clear then laid out salt on the ground to make sure it was clear for Shouta. The black-haired man had said that he would text when he was on his way.
And with the time ticking closer to four o'clock he found himself more nauseous. More nervous than he could remember being. He hadn't felt this level of nerves when he sent out those pamphlets to his mom group of friends. He didn't understand the panic he felt but he was sure he'd make it through it. Today was about laying everything out on the table that the two of them had to talk about. Today was about confronting Shouta's behavior and his reaction last Thursday night.
About clearing the air after six days of silence between them. He knew there was too much to say between them, but he had to make sure that he didn't let himself get distracted. That he didn't let himself get caught up in seeing the black-haired man. He had to admit he was glad to see the riddance of that kicked puppy look on the black-haired man. He didn't know what changed with his text that they had to talk and today but there was a determination between the two of them.
And yet here he was, falling apart long before Shouta was showing up. His knees jackhammered beneath the table as he bounced in his seat. His hand over his mouth to stop himself from whimpering or whining from the nerves twisting in his chest. Fingers drumming on the table with a growing sharpness that had his fingertips aching. Staring at that phone with a part of him willing the black-haired man to text to him. To tell him he was on his way.
He didn't think that Shouta was going to stand him up. Not after that determined appearance to him at work. It felt like he couldn't breathe properly. Like he can't. And so, he focused on keeping his breath slow; even. Deep. He breathed through his nose slowly with his gaze focused on his phone when the screen lit up. He found his hands lunging for the device as his knees came to a stop from their hard bouncing, but he couldn't stop them from jiggling.
He unlocked the screen to find a text from Shouta explaining that he was running a bit late waiting for his sister to come and watch Eri but that he was on his way now. That he was out the door and would be there shortly. It had him swallowing hard with his hands squeezing his phone before he sent back a text. A short text reassuring Shouta that he understood the babysitter situation. Closing out their texts, he pushed his chair backwards then stood on trembling legs.
Then he stuffed his phone into his pocket. Grabbing his cup of coffee, he made his way around the table to the doorway of the room. Stepping over it into the kitchen, he made his way to the sink where he dumped his coffee out. He needed something to calm him. Not more caffeine that could make him all the more jittery. He placed his cup into the sink when he shuffled over to grab the electric kettle. Half-filled from this morning when he'd brought a thermos of tea with him to work.
He plugged the device in. Watching the blue light on the bottom flick to life and illuminate the water. He hummed quietly to himself when he opened the cabinet before reaching for a box labeled cinnamon horchata. It was a recent purchase and one he hadn't had yet. Tugging the box down, he grabbed another mug off of the hooks on the wall and placed it on the counter. Opening the box, he noted the tremble to his fingers. The shake.
He let out a slow breath to gather his bearings as he shifted slightly. Shifting his weight rolling from foot to foot while he opened the packet and dropped the tea bag into his cup. Gathering his trash up, he turned around to shuffle over and toss it into the trash. He then glanced at the gurgling kettle as small bubbles began to form. Not yet. God, he wished he could get this talk over with. He'd been practicing for days what he wanted to say but knowing the day was here?
It made him anxious. Nervous. He was worried he'd slip up, say something wrong, or react the wrong way. Especially when it was the last thing that he wanted to do. He wants to make sure that he says what he has to say properly. To be so transparent that he was crystal to the black-haired man who would be sitting across him any moment. He dragged his teeth over his bottom lip with his fingers drumming on the edge of the counter.
He wished he could say that he wasn't the nervous, anxious type but today seemed to be a stark contrast to how he usually reacted. It had him chewing on his lip slightly with the sharp drumming of his fingers on the edge ringing out to fill the quiet around him. It had him shifting his weight from foot to foot again in that antsy manner. He didn't know what he wanted to do. For some reason, it felt like he was closing himself in a cage. Backing himself into a corner.
And it was the last thing he wanted to feel when it came to talking to Shouta for this wasn't some idle conversation. This was something he needed to get done so they could move forward. So, they could talk without this hanging over them. It's not like on Halloween when they nearly kissed but rather something far more serious. They had kissed and that is what they needed to speak about. That is what they needed to clear the air about the best that they could this afternoon.
He needed to know why Shouta reacted that way and Shouta needed to explain to him why he had reacted the way they had. It had him sighing out to himself when he let his head hang forward with a hand lifting from the counter. Rubbing at the back of his neck while he leaned forward onto his left hand. The quiet gurgling of his kettle growing hotter and hotter was filling the quiet of the kitchen effortlessly as he shifted his weight from foot to foot once again.
He squeezed at himself firmly with his fingers kneading at the tense muscles there. He had been practicing for days. Spending hours rehearsing what it is that he wanted to say. There was no way he was going to let himself back out of this when he had been so hurt for days. When he had been heartbroken since last Thursday. Lifting his head up with his fingers kneading at his neck before he dropped his hand down to reach out.
Pushing off of the counter with hands reaching to tug the kettle off of its base. The water gurgling quietly as he then poured the water into his mug. Steam raising from it, he filled his cup then placed the kettle back on the burner. Tugging the drawer open for a spoon, he then reached into the cabinet for the honey. Drizzling it into his tea, he hummed quietly on a shaking note to himself as he then stuck his spoon into the cup to stir the honey in then scooping up the tea bag.
Squishing it to the side of the mug fiercely before scooping it out of the tea. He held the soaked thing in his hand as he swirled the spoon through his tea. Then he turned to toss his spoon into the sink and across the kitchen to toss the tea-bag into the trash. Returning to the counter where his steaming mug of tea sat, he lifted it up and blew gently across the surface of the liquid. Blowing again, again, again before lifting it up to sip at it.
Hot over his tongue, scalding down his throat, it traveled through his chest to his stomach leaving him to shiver. The cinnamon flavor was amazing. It was a damned good tea that he found himself sipping at again with a wince as it scalded its way down his throat. But it was what he needed. How easy it was to soothe his mind with the hot tea when he took a third scalding sip of the liquid that pooled into his stomach.
Leaving him flushed with the warmth radiating outwards as he sipped at his tea delightedly. God, it was like centering himself again. Like his head had been about to float away but the spice of the cinnamon pulled it back down. The warmth allowing him to factory reset. To regain that sense of control once again when he needed it the most. It was painfully quiet in his home; so quiet it weighed heavily on his hearing aids.
A light ringing that had him humming quietly to break up the quiet when he sipped at his tea again with the scalding liquid pooling into his stomach. When he had told the boys they'd be going to Nemuri and Oboro's, they hadn't seemed nearly as enthusiastic as they had been the previous time, and he didn't blame them. He wanted to spend more time with his children as well as they neared the holiday. He had promised to put the tree up and off of its place outside still bound in wires.
To get it decorated first thing tomorrow morning when they came home. It was the least that he could do, and he promised they'd play in the snow. He just needed this afternoon to himself. Just one afternoon to work things out with Shouta who would, hopefully, be receptive with his talk. It had him squeezing his mug between his hands slightly when he lifted his mug up to sip at the hot liquid again. He stared out his kitchen window.
Shuffling over to stand before the window to stare out into the snow filled back yard. Half of their slide was buried under the heavy snow. It was a shame, really. He sighed out with the tea rippling with his exhale as he leaned forward to press against the counter which dug into his stomach comfortingly. He wasn't sure how he hadn't begun pacing the house, but he felt under control again. The heat of the tea in his stomach radiating outwards to leave him feeling flushed.
He noticed snowflakes swirling past the window. The news had said something about on and off again flurrying. An inch overnight which was better than feet of snow at least. Sipping at his tea again, he hummed softly to himself. He was so determined to get this talk over but he hadn't considered the nerves that would come for him. He hadn't anticipated such anxiety and such nervousness to be affecting him the day of. Was it because when he saw Shouta he looked so determined?
Was it because he himself felt that spark of determination to get this talk underway? He couldn't deny that he missed Shouta. He missed him so much and that kicked puppy look had been killing him over the past three days of work. He couldn't help but wonder if Shouta was aware of that melancholic look to him or if it had slipped past him. He had not a clue but he knew that his friend wasn't the type to guilt him. But it didn't change the fact that it still left him feeling awful each time he saw that longing gaze on him.
He knew that if they were going to go forward than the talk had to happen. Even if he felt strangely nervous standing here in his kitchen. He wished he had Hitoshi and Izuku here to cling too. To lose time with. To have their voices filling the quiet of his home the way they always did so effortlessly. To have the thudding feet on stairs as they ran up and down them. But tonight was going to be his. This afternoon his to talk through with Shouta the problems they had.
They had hours to do this together. They could break for dinner and return to the conversation for as long as they could. Until Shouta's sister called him to come home. He knew that they could work this out. He knew that they could talk it out. All that mattered was sitting down together with not a distraction in place. It might seem diplomatic to sit across from one another at the dining room table. But he can't see himself sitting on the couch talking this out with Shouta.
He'd get distracted. Horribly, amazingly distracted by the black-haired man being so close to him. He couldn't explain the attraction properly but it was the strongest attraction he'd felt to another man in such a long time. He'd never thought he'd experience this level of attraction to another man like this but he did. It had him in absolute awe that he could be so attracted to one man like this. That he could have such a large crush on the black-haired man that he didn't know what to do with himself.
The last time he had a crush of this magnitude he'd had his first boyfriend after coming to terms that he was, indeed, bisexual. It was something he surprisingly struggled a bit more with than his status as a transgender man. He was surprised that he didn't accept it readily in the beginning. He had to admit that looking back at his dating history that he had more boyfriends than he did girlfriends. It was something that shown bright and clear where he leaned on the bisexual scale.
It was then another curious spiral when he realized that not only was he a bisexual man but he was one who leaned more towards the masculine attraction. It was something he had dealt and accepted after a year of struggling with it but he'd come to terms with it rather quickly. But he couldn't remember in recent memory the last time he had a crush this big. Save for his first boyfriend, he had never felt a crush of this magnitude this big. Perhaps with an old girlfriend?
He couldn't remember. But it was quite funny that one lazy August morning he'd been thinking of wanting a lover. A lover he could share his bed and love with only to come across none other than Shouta Aizawa. It was like life had offered something up on a silver platter than he hadn't been aware of back then. Back before things had gotten complicated. He'd been happy those first two months of friendship with Shouta. Was it Halloween where things got thrown off track? Yes.
Yes, it was the catalyst and he was no idiot. He knew that's what it was. He'd begun forming a mild crush on Shouta by that point but he'd still thought of him as his friend. A growing best friend. Now here he was in the midst of winter with a big old fat crush on the black-haired man. A twenty-six year old man crushing on the black-haired man like he was nothing more than a teenager again. It had him sighing out when he lifted his mug up to sip at the hot liquid with that delightful taste of cinnamon.
Subtle but it was delicious. Holding his mug between his hands, he sat it down on the counter to preserve the rest of it for his talk with Shouta. He'd need it. God, why did he let this happen? Why did he touch Shouta that night? Why did he let himself cling onto him? Was it because his drunken self wanted to act on those instincts? Those secret wants? Was it because he'd wanted to merely hug onto him? To hold his hand? To rest his head on that broad shoulder?
He had not a clue but if he'd shown a bit of decorum, if he'd been sane, he wouldn't be in this damned mess. He sighed out with his head falling back when he lifted his hand up to slid his fingers into his hair. Scratching at his head firmly with his hair swaying against his back when he then lifted his head up with locks swinging forward to tickle his cheeks. Spilling over his shoulders. If he had been even slightly hesitant that night then perhaps it wouldn't have ended the way it had.
Perhaps it would have been something different. He should have gone to bed. He should have rejected that thrumming tension but he'd been helpless against it. They were both drunk, weren't they? Shouta had certainly seemed it when he stumbled over his feet once or twice but was he as drunk as him? He had not a clue. There was no way to ask it without feeling nosey. And he knew some things were best left in the dark. But it had him sighing out as he scratched at his head firmly.
His nails digging in slightly before he slid his hands out of his hair with his hands thudding down on the edge of the sink. Swaying forward with his stomach digging into the edge of the sink with his eyes focusing on the backyard with the muted sunlight bouncing off of the snow. Turning away from it, he spun on his feet to face the kitchen with his hands curling into the edge of the sink with a squeeze. He leaned backwards against it with his hands sliding over the edge of the sink.
His fingers drumming idly when he found himself sighing out with his head falling back. He made a mess for himself, didn't he? He made a nice, big steaming pile of shit for himself. All over a crush. All over a kiss. He knew he wasn't the only one at fault in this situation but he was nervous. His stomach seemed to fluttering nonstop. Like a never ending fluttering that would be the death of him as he leaned against the kitchen sink. He didn't know what to do with himself but today was going to be the first step.
The first one that would begin to clear things up for him. For Shouta. He was determined to make sure that things were cleared up the best that they can be for the both of them. They couldn't continue onwards like this. He didn't want them to continue like this going forwards. Tapping his feet against the floor, he found a yawn bubbling up his throat then bursting out of him before he could stop it. Could anyone blame him? He'd hardly slept a wink last night he was so nervous about their talk today.
He wanted nothing more than to simply crawl back into bed and nap. To wake up and get a head start on wrapping presents while the boys were out of the house. But this was important for him. This talk was going to clear things up the best they could he was going to let Shouta have an informed decision going forward. He shifted his weight from foot to foot slightly when there was a vibration over his ass followed by a ping. Shifting his hold on the mug he dug into his back pocket for his phone.
He paused when he heard the muted sound of a car door slamming which had his heart jumping to his throat. Grabbing his phone out of his pocket, his heart jumped in his chest at the text waiting for him. He unlocked the screen when the doorbell was ringing. It had him swallowing while trying to cling to the calmness sipping at his tea had provided. He shoved his phone back into his pocket then turned on his feet. In, out. He can do this. In. Out. He knew what he wanted to say. In. Out.
He needed to do this. In. Out. This will be fine. He'll be fine. He squared his shoulders with his head moving to flick his hair over his shoulders before he gathered it up as he began to walk across the kitchen. Scraping his hair up into a half up, loose bun as he made his way over the threshold of the kitchen. He didn't know if he was relieved or sick at the thought of having the talk so soon together. He dropped his hands from his hair to rub his clammy palms on his jeans.
Stopping before the front door with that light tremble making its way to his hands again. He can do this. He needs to do this. Shouta wasn't going to lunch across the table and rip his throat out just because they had to talk. He dragged his teeth over his lip fiercely before shutting his eyes briefly. In. One, two, three, four. Out. In. Five, six, seven, eight. Out. In. Nine, ten. He opened his eyes once more, nudged his glasses up, then reached out for the door knob.
Twisting it in his grasp, he tugged the door open welcoming a bursting swirl of the frigid winter air outside. Snowflakes fluttering past him only to melt at the heat of his heaters. Standing on his doorstep was Shouta. He looked flushed with shaky breaths being taken quietly that had his chest fluttering. Wrapped in a black coat and red scarf, dark jeans and snow covered boots the man was flushed. He looked like he'd run there rather than drive.
His sleek black car was parked behind his with the headlights fading out. It'd be dark soon. And yet he couldn't help but find himself in awe of how Shouta looked mere seconds away from falling apart on him. Black curls flying over shoulders with a bursting breeze that had the both of them shuddering. And yet Shouta didn't make a move to step over the threshold. Taking a breath, he opened the door wider then stepped out of the way with his hand gesturing for Shouta to come in.
The black-haired man seemed to hesitate before knocking as much snow as he could off of his boots before coming in. The rubber soles thudding over his floor as Shouta reached up to tug at his scarf. His hat. It had wild curls springing up as the hat was tugged off the top of his head and his scarf unwound then placed on the heater. He licked his lips then shut the door with his fingers then twisting together once he let go of the door knob.
"Thank you, for coming over, Shouta! I really appreciate you taking the time to come over! You can take your boots and coat off! Do you want some tea? I have the kettle on so it's not a problem if you want tea or coffee if you want it? I just started a pot so it shouldn't be too cold! You honestly look like you could do with some warming up!" He hated the babble leaving him as his fingers twisted together. Shouta peeked up under dark lashes as gloves were taken off and stuffed into the coat pocket.
"I'll take some coffee, if you don't mind?" Shouta sounded hesitant. Quiet. He had never heard him sound so quiet in all the time he's known him, but he nodded when Shouta stepped on the heels of his boots to work his feet free one at a time. Each boot was then pushed under the heater when Shouta reached up to grab the zipper of his coat. Tugging it down revealing a pale, cream colored sweater beneath it as broad shoulder wiggled to shrug it off. Pooling it to his elbows.
"I don't mind at all! Hang your coat up, yeah?" The black-haired man worked his arms free from the sleeves before turning to hang his coat up next to his own. He licked his lips again before he bounced up on his toes slightly before forcing himself down onto his heels. He turned on his feet then glanced over his shoulder to find Shouta fussing with the ends of his cream colored sweater. "Do you take an sugars in your coffee? Creamer?"
"I'll take a splash of creamer and a single sugar." Shouta mumbled at him when he nodded before flying forward with broad, brisk steps to make his way down the hallway with thudding footsteps. Flying into the kitchen once more as he reached for a mug he had hanging on the wall beneath the cabinets. Grabbing a fresh spoon from the drawer, he grabbed his sugar container when he heard quiet, thudding steps behind him followed by a throat clearing. "It's, um, nice to see you, Zashi. Outside of work, I mean."
His heart dared to skip. His stomach dared to flutter. It had him squeezing the spoon in his palm with the sharp end digging into it when he scooped a single teaspoon of sugar into the cup. Pouring the coffee halfway, he stirred the cup before turning to face Shouta who lingered by the doorway. He made his way over to the fridge, opening it up and grabbing the creamer before taking a quiet breath. "It is. It's been a-a while since I've had you come over, hasn't it?"
"It's definitely been a bit. Nothing too long." Shouta replied when he shut the fridge door with a quiet thud. He turned on his feet back to the counter where his steaming tea sat in its mug. He poured the creamer into Shouta's cup then gave it a lazy stir. The floor trembled lightly beneath his feet when Shouta crossed the threshold. He stirred the coffee then tapped the spoon off on the side. Slipping it into the sink when he turned to find Shouta lingering in the middle of the kitchen.
"Here, put this away for me, please?" He twisted the cap onto the creamer securely before holding it out to the black-haired man who nodded. Taking it from him then turning to the fridge where he slipped it back in its place on the door when he grabbed for his cup and Shouta's. Now. Now was the time to sit down and have a proper conversation. The very one he'd been practicing over and over in his head when he turned to face his friend. "Follow me into the dining room?"
Shouta nodded with the fridge door thudding shut and he forced his feet to move. Making his way across the kitchen to the small dining room with steaming cups in his hand. He placed one down in the chair across from him before making his way around the table back to his chair he'd been sitting in moments before. He took a quiet breath when he sat down then tugged his chair forward when Shouta appeared in the doorway. Hesitating. "Zashi-"
"Come on, sit! I'm not going to bite your head off or rip your throat out, Sho." He tried for what he hoped was a comforting smile, but God knows he felt anything but calm. His heart was thudding sickeningly against his chest with hard thuds that had him breathless as he held onto the warmth of his cup. Shouta weaved on his feet before stepping into the room with hands reaching out to tug the chair back from the table. Sitting down in a fluid movement when Shouta took a breath.
"I suppose I have some explaining to do. And we have quite the talk to have, don't we?" Shouta's voice seemed quiet again; thoughtful. Hesitant. He nodded at the black-haired man when he lifted his tea up to sip at it when Shouta licked his lips causing them to shimmer in the muted lighting of the dining room when dark eyes locked onto his. "I'd like to start off by apologizing. I-I know what I did must have hurt you. I know what I did was inexcusable and for that I apologize for just running out like that."
"You hurt me." Three words. Three little words that he squeezed out that had black brows squeezing together with an unnamable look flickering in those dark eyes before they settled on one, he'd recognize anywhere. Pity. Sadness. It had him squeezing his mug when he swallowed again before lowering his gaze down. Breaking that eye contact. "You hurt me, Shouta, whether you realize it or not. I've- I know I shouldn't have kissed you. I know it but you still hurt me so much by doing what you did."
"And I am sorrier than I can express, Hizashi. I didn't- I don't know why I reacted that way. At least, that's what I'd like to say at least but we both know that's not an excuse nor is it the reason." There was a tightness to Shouta's voice as fingers traced the rim of his mug of coffee. He watched Shouta's hands grip onto the cup of coffee then when a trembling breath was taken. "I won't lie to you, Zashi. The last thing I will ever do is lie to you when you deserve nothing but the truth."
"So do you." He lifted his cup up then to take a sip at it. A long pull before he lowered his mug to rub at his lips when he lifted his gaze up to meet Shouta's. That look of pitiful sadness was still evident in that gaze, but he found himself licking his lips before speaking again. "If-If I crossed the line then tell me now, okay? I know I shouldn't have kissed you while we were both clearly drunk but if you didn't want it then I apologize for it. I shouldn't have done it. Not like that."
Black lashes fluttered in one, two, blinks when the black-haired man raised his mug up to sip at his coffee. His Adam's Apple bobbing with his swallow when he then took another one. And another one. Three large sips of the coffee before he was setting the mug back down. A droplet of coffee clung to his full bottom lip which had his fingers itching. Twitching together to fight the urge to reach out. To flick it away. "I don't have a problem with the kiss, Zashi. Not at all."
"Then why did you leave like that? Why would you choose the-the most hurtful way to leave? To look at me the way you did? Why did you run away like I was some kind of fucking diseased thing that you needed to get away from? Why would you do that if you didn't mind the kiss?" He hated the harsh, demanding tone of his but was there any other way to get the answers he needed? It was better to be firm, wasn't it? He needed the answers. Needed them badly.
"I shouldn't have left like that. I should've said something to you but I-I couldn't think in the moment after what happened! But, Zashi, you're not diseased! I didn't-! I shouldn't have run away like that but believe it or not I'm an idiot! I didn't think I just- I wanted to put space between and I just-!" Shouta was babbling. He was stumbling over his words and talking over himself. It was fascinating when the black-haired man sighed out through his nose with lips pinching tightly together.
Looking at him with a pleading sparkle to those dark eyes. As if he wanted him to piece it together for him to understand. For him to understand what it was he was trying to say, and, in an odd way, he did understand the black-haired man. He knew what he was trying to say but he needed Shouta to say it. He can't bail him out this time. Not for this. "Shouta, you can't just wave it all away by saying that you're an idiot. That's not the solve all for this, you know that, right?"
"I do! I just- I think I was shocked when you kissed me. I was shocked because I-" Shouta paused again with a deep breath being taken when those dark eyes locked onto his once more. It sent a shiver down his back to meet that gaze evenly as he could with his fingers curled in the handle of his mug when Shouta licked his lips before speaking. "I was shocked because I wanted you to do it. That you actually did it. I-I didn't think you would and then it all just came crashing down when my phone rang. I couldn't believe it."
"Then why not say that in the moment? Why leave him wondering what I did wrong? I've been tearing myself apart, Shouta, trying to understand what I did that made you look at me like that! What made you run away from me like that! Do you understand how bad that hurts? That I kiss a guy, and he runs away from me like the damned room is on fire? Do you know how badly that hurts?"
Again, that pity flickered to life in those dark eyes with a hesitation pinching at Shouta's face when he pinched his own lips together tightly. He let his gaze lower away from the black-haired man who then sighed out quietly when he peeked up to find a hand moving through ruffled, wet curls. He lowered his gaze again to the table top when the Shouta shifted across from him. "No. No, I don't know how badly that hurts and I am so sorry. There's no number of words I could say to express how sorry I am that I did that."
"Then why did you run away? If you wanted it just as badly, why did you do that? There's something that's not making sense here, Shouta, and I need this to make sense for me! You practically broke my damn heart, you know that? It hurts that you looked at me like that! That you just ran off like that!" He hated the crack to his voice, but he couldn't control it when he lifted his gaze up to find dark eyes lowering. Shamed. It had him taking a trembling breath when Shouta let out a breath.
"I ran away because I wasn't thinking. I ran away because, believe it or not, I was scared. I was drunk, half out of my mind, and this beautiful, stunning man is hanging off of me. He's holding my hand, hugging onto me, and then he kisses me? It's scary. It's terrifying and I didn't know what to do but leave the situation." He clutched at his mug with his heart stumbling over its beats wildly when he looked away from the black-haired man when he traced the rim of his mug.
"If I was too much then you could've just told me that, Sho. You could've saved me from the heartbreak by texting me the next day or talking to me about how overwhelmed you were! I would've understood it!" He squeezed his mug between his hands as he rubbed his thumb against the lip of his mug when he cleared his throat. "I understand I wasn't right in ignoring you, but couldn't you have told me that much? Rather than leave me in this-this weird limbo the next day?"
"I could say the same to you, Zashi." He blinked with his gaze raising up to find those dark eyes leveled on him. Full lips pinching slightly together when he fought the urge to tense up when Shouta then looked away with black lashes fluttering with the movement. "You left me in a weird limbo for six days. I tried reaching out, but you ignored me. I would've told you sooner, but I didn't want to push it, you know? I didn't want you to feel cornered somehow. But you didn't make it easy on either of us."
"Because I needed to know what to say to you! I needed to know how to say it without screaming at you because I was so upset! Can you imagine how upset I could've been, Sho? Can you imagine my perspective for even one second?" He shot back with a heat to his voice that he then paused to swallow it down. There is no point in working himself into a yelling frenzy. "I know I didn't make it easy not talking for six days. But it's better to know what to say then to not know."
"And I understand that. But my reaction was awful. Horrible. And I understand why you'd be very upset with me which I deserve fully." Shouta shifted in his chair causing it to squeak lightly when the black-haired man then sighed out with his hands lifting his mug up. "But six days without talking to you really opened my eyes to my behavior. My reaction. And I deserved it. But I wish I could've talked to you sooner. Explained myself sooner but you're right. It's better to wait and know what to say then not know."
Lifting his own mug up, he took another large sip at his tea which was leaving him close to none. He'd finish his drink faster than Shouta was and that was no good. His heart was thudding sickeningly against his chest as he shifted in his seat before lowering his mug to the table with a thud. Rubbing the back of his hand across his lips, he then sighed out himself. "You were awful. You really, really hurt me, Shouta. I need to emphasis that because we can't just gloss over it. You hurt me."
Shouta sipped at his coffee with his Adam's Apple bobbing with his swallow when the black-haired man then lowered his mug down to the table with a light thud. The black-haired man's fingers hit off the table lightly when dark eyes caught his once more when Shouta leaned forward. "And that's the last thing I ever wanted to do, Zashi. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, but I see that I've done just that. I really hurt you, didn't I? It's no wonder you didn't want to talk to me let alone look at me."
"It was too painful too." He hated how quiet his voice was growing. How he felt like he was somehow, someway, opening himself up to some kind of criticism if he wasn't careful. And yet he found himself meeting Shouta's gaze when he then twisted his fingers together. Dropping his gaze to his fidgeting hands as his knees began to jiggle beneath the table. "I didn't know what to say to you let alone look at you. It hurt too much. Have you ever had a first kiss with someone and have them run off like that?"
"No. I can't say that I have." Shouta's voice was quiet. Not quite a whisper but it had his heart aching in his chest when he lifted his gaze up to find those dark eyes looking at him with such sympathetic pity it had him looking away again. He couldn't bear it. Couldn't bear the thought of Shouta pitying him when there was a squeak of the chair across from him as Shouta shifted. "And I'm not right. You deserve to hang me by my damned toes for what I've done to you, Zashi."
Twisting his fingers together, he found himself fidgeting in the chair slightly. Causing it to wobble then squeak lightly beneath him when he peaked up at Shouta from over the rim of his glasses. A blurry view but one none the less when he then lifted his head up to find the black-haired man staring at him. Waiting. "So, you're telling me you ran off because you were drunk, scared, and an idiot, huh? Not much of an answer, is it? Can you- I mean, can you tell me if I did something right? I mean, did-did you want to kiss me?"
Heat was gathering in the back of his neck at his question, but it didn't stop spots of pink from blooming over Shouta's cheeks that quickly smothered into a rich red that they'd been at the front door. A red that had his own cheeks tingling with the rush of blood when Shouta fidgeted in his seat. He was bracing himself. He didn't want to be wrong. He didn't want to be ashamed. He didn't- "Yes. I- Yes, I did want you to kiss me, Zashi."
"Oh." The word rushed out of him on a sigh when his hand came up to cup his throat slightly. Choking on his breath when his cheeks flooded with heat as he looked away from the red-faced man before him. He didn't know how to continue this conversation without replaying that answer over and over. Shouta wanted to kiss him. He wanted too. But being drunk, scared and an idiot didn't make up for it. "You know you're answers suck, right? Being a drunken, scared idiot isn't a proper answer for hurting me like you did."
"No. No, it's not, but it's the truth. If- You make me very nervous sometimes, Zashi." He was unbelievably glad his face was already so hot. He found his fingers locking together with his hands pressing to the table when the black-haired man fidgeted across from him. There was a moment of silence that had him half convinced he could hear his heartbeat in his ruined eardrums when he met Shouta's gaze. "But can you accept my apology, Hizashi? Because I deeply, sincerely apologize to you for what I did. For hurting you like I did."
Did he want to forgive him? Yes. God, yes, he wants to just forgive him and move on, but he can't. He can't do that to himself or to Shouta. It would just leave the door open for the black-haired man to hurt him again somehow. And he hadn't even gotten to the meat of his conversation yet. He hadn't come out to Shouta yet so it could all be for naught. "I don't want to brush this under the table. I don't want to forgive you and leave the door open for you to possibly hurt me again."
"I won't. I can't guarantee that there won't be something that won't hurt you, but I would never intentionally hurt you, Zashi. I didn't meant to hurt you the way I did but I can see how I did. After all, I'd be hurt if I kissed you and you just ran out the way that I did without explaining. Without talking to me first." He watched Shouta's hands knit together with fingers interlocking with steam radiating weakly from his coffee. "I promise, I will never intentionally hurt you again, Zashi."
He wants to believe him. He wanted to believe him so badly, but he knew that in life there was no way to avoid hurting another person. There would always be small slights or words that would sting. But if Shouta understood then he wouldn't be so fervent, wouldn't he? He licked his lips before swallowing when he leaned forward slightly in his chair with his elbows pressing to the table. Bending up. "How long have you known you probably hurt me? How long have you sat on that knowledge?"
"The day after. I knew something was wrong when you wouldn't talk to me let alone look at me. I had vague memories of the night before, but I knew I'd fucked up and as much as I wanted too, I didn't want to make it worse, you know? You already looked like you were hanging on by a thread. I didn't want you to scream at me and make this words by you being embarrassed afterwards if that makes sense? The situation was delicate, but I didn't want to push you. I didn't want to make it worse."
"I want to say you're wrong but God, I wanted to scream at you so badly. For days, I hoped you felt bad and that you felt guilty for hurting me. I was thriving off of it but then I realized how petty it was." He pressed his hands to his lips briefly before glancing down at Shouta's fidgeting fingers. He then let out a sigh through his nose when he tucked his hands beneath his chin. "If you wanted me to kiss you, then why run away after? You could've just said something about needing to get to the Uber, you know!"
"I know! And honestly, I don't blame you for feeling that way, but I did. God, Zashi, I felt like shit every time I texted, and you didn't answer. I really-" Shouta sucked in a sharp breath then with dark eyes glancing away with hands tightening together. Knuckles going white from that firm squeeze together as his own hands supported his chin when the black-haired man let out a breath. "I really did miss you. I missed talking to you, but I felt at the same time I deserved your silence."
Unlocking his hands, he reached down to grab his tea then lifted it up to gulp at the liquid. Draining his cup then setting it back down with that taste of cinnamon lingering on his tongue as he placed his mug down then pushed it to the side slightly. He then locked his hands loosely together on the surface of the table. "I missed you too, Shouta. I really did! You were killing me with that kicked puppy look on your face when we were at work! But I just needed time to gather what I wanted to say, you know?"
"I do! I just- I missed you regardless. You're the closest friend I have aside from Oboro." It had his heart fluttering in his chest at the black-haired man's words when the man smiled softly at him with that hesitation when he shifted in his seat. It squeaked lightly beneath him with the movement when he then rubbed his thumbs together. "I really do apologize for hurting you, Zashi. And I'll spend however long it takes proving that I truly am sorry for what I did to you. No matter what I have to do."
He knew the ball was in his court. Shouta had apologized multiple times so far and he knew he wasn't going to make him grovel. The Hizashi of four days ago would have made him do it but he wasn't going to now. Not when there was such sincerity in his voice. He didn't know what to do with himself as he twiddled his thumbs together slightly before meeting those dark eyes. "You're an idiot, do you know that? A real idiot for hurting me the way you did. You understand that, right?"
"Of course I do! If you don't want to accept my apology, then that is fine. I can live with a bit of groveling if that's what's needed!" There was a playful lilt to his voice, but it was weak. Hesitant. He smiled at the black-haired man with a hesitation of his own when Shouta sighed out. His knuckles going white again with a firm squeeze of his hands together. "But if you can't accept my apology, if you don't want to, then that is okay too. I'll understand it, completely. We need to be transparent with one another, don't we?"
"We do." This was it. The window of oppurtunity to come out was opening wider. A gap rather than a crack. He knew that he had to do it, he knew he had to say it. But his voice was locked away in his throat as he twisted his hands together to which he took a slow, deep breath that had his chest expanding outwards. He then let it out on a rush as his thumbs continued to fidget together. "I have something I need to say. Something I need to tell you, Shouta. And we can go from there, yeah?"
"Feel free to say what you need too, Zashi. I'm certainly not going to shame you!" The black-haired man smiled with a bit more strength but there was a curiosity to those dark eyes that sparkled at him. There was so much hesitation between them when he fidgeted in his seat. "Like I said, if you truly can't accept my apology or don't want too then that's fine! If you want time to-to think about it then I can give you all the time in the world. Just let me know what you have going on in your head."
This felt like something out of a dream. There was something about this talk that felt so ideal that it didn't feel real. He licked his lips with his words crowding his throat with the desire to be spoken all at once. Words that were choking him up as his thumbs rubbed against one another. He could do this. He can do this. "So there's something about me that I haven't told you about yet. And I don't want you to feel like I've been lying to you this whole time, okay? Can you keep an open mind?"
"I always have an open mind, Zashi, I don't there's anything that you can tell me that would make me question or even change how I feel towards you. You're my best friend, after all, so you can tell me anything." Ah, this man was too perfect in reassuring him. It felt like a walking cliché at the moment with the black-haired man's fingers tightening together with knuckles going white briefly. "You have the floor to say whatever it is that you need to say, and I'll listen with an open mind." ⭐
"Alright. I've- It's been a long time since I've done a face to face confession like this so don't judge me too hard, okay? The last time I came out I used these silly little pamphlets that I sent through the mail." Black brows raised at him with a soft smile playing on those full lips which left him fidgeting. His thumbs pressed together then began to tap together with a slow breath leaving him. "So. There's. um, something super important about me that I haven't had the nerves to talk to you about yet. Something really important."
"Yes? What could this super important thing be, Zashi?" Shouta was leaning forward with his hands fidgeting on the tables surface before parting to lift his coffee up. He watched the black-haired man drain the rest of his drink before lowering the cup then sliding it to the side much like he had done. Rubbing at full lips then licking at them when those dark eyes locked onto his with Shouta leaning forward slightly with black curls swaying forward. "You can tell me, I promise not to judge."
It was too easy. This was too easy on him, and he didn't know what to do. He knew the words he'd practiced were right there, but he found himself choking up. It was terrifying to say it out loud and dash whatever dreams there might be of being friends, but he had to say it. There was only so long before Shouta inevitably began to catch on. Clearing his throat, he squeezed his hands together firmly before letting out a breath. "I'm not a cisgender man. Or rather, I should say I'm not a biological man."
"You're not a-?"
"I'm transgender. I'm a female-to-male transgender man and I've been this way for as long as I can remember from childhood onwards." His gaze lowered instinctively to his squirming hands as his shoulders tensed instinctively before curling up towards his ears as he took a trembling breath with his gaze locked downwards. "I've got a vagina, I menstruate, and I had top surgery years ago. I take testosterone and I work out but I'm transgender. It doesn't change anything, I'm still a man, but I just-!"
There was quiet when his words cut off with his throat tightening with his hands squeezing together. And then they were bending up to cover his face. He knew it would only leave smudges on his lenses, but he couldn't look at him. He felt oddly raw. Like he'd ripped himself open for the gawking gaze that he felt on him as he kept his hands over his face. He was bold. Confident. And yet now he was reduced to this. "Zashi? Zashi, uncover your face, please? Look at me?"
"I can't." He hated the whine to his voice as his moved his hands so they wouldn't block his hands. He didn't understand this impulse to hide his face away, but his fingers slipped beneath his glasses to press into his eyes as the black-haired man shifted across from him. "I-I don't want to see you look at me differently! I don't want to see you look at me with-with disgust or something! I don't- I can't take it if you look at me differently because there's nothing different! I'm still Hizashi!"
"You are still Hizashi, nothing is going to change that! Zashi, I don't think any different of you and I won't. So please? Please look at me?" He shook his head with fingers pressing into his eyes firmly when there was a sigh from across the table followed by a squeak then the groan of wood. The thud of footsteps making their way around the table causing him to flinch. And then arms were curling around him in a tight hug that had his face pressing forward into a shoulder.
A tight, warm hug that had his heart fluttering in his chest. It wasn't what he wanted when they sat down for their talk but there was something so nice about being hugged tightly by the black-haired man who squeezed him to his chest causing him to turn awkwardly in his chair. His hands pressed to his face before he slipped his fingers down to peek over his shoulder. "Whether you admit it out loud it makes things different, doesn't it? Does it? Do you think of me differently?"
"No. No, I don't think of you differently, Zashi. You're still the same man you were two seconds ago. You're still the man, the father, I've been friends with! Nothing is going to change that!" Arms tightened around him when he slid his hands down to his cheeks as he caught that vanilla cologne. A comfort that he didn't know he'd missed when he pressed his forehead against his shoulder. "I won't lie but I'm surprised! I'm very surprised but I'm not going to hate you, Zashi. You're a man, aren't you?"
"I am! I'm a man just like you are, I just- I don't have the anatomy yet to show it! I haven't gotten my bottom surgery but that doesn't make me any less of a man, does it?" He questioned with that whine to his voice when he slid his hands away from his face and reached out. Curling his arms around Shouta to hug onto him and God if it didn't feel good. If he didn't find himself melting in his hold as he buried his face into his shoulder. Inhaling the cologne clinging onto him.
He missed this. He missed hugging him. Holding onto him. And while he didn't want to be distracted by these quiet desires of his, he found it unbelievably nice to hug onto the black-haired man. He felt a hand stroke over his bun then when Shouta sighed out quietly with arms tightening around him in a hard squeeze that he returned without thinking twice. "Then you're a man. I'm not going to hate you, Zashi, for something like this. You're a man just as I am, aren't you?"
"Yes! I just- God, I've not sat down and told anyone in a very, very long time, you know? It's scary. Nerve-wracking." He let out a breathless laugh then with his arms tightening around Shouta when he shifted in his chair before pushing to stand up. He had an inch on the black-haired man, but he didn't care. Standing on his feet with his face buried into his shoulder. Letting out a sigh with his heart thudding against his chest. "Thank you, Shouta. Thank you for not freaking out on me."
"Of course I won't freak out on you, Zashi! Why would I? It's not like being transgender is going to change my view on you, you know. You're still Hizashi Yamada, you're still a father, you're still a man and that's all that needs to matter." Arms tightened around him before Shouta pulled backwards forcing him to look into his face which was the calmest he'd seen in days. "If you're living as man, identify as a man, then who am I to tell you you're a woman just because you have a vagina? Who am I to tell you who to be?"
Looking over Shouta's face, he smiled softly with another breathless laugh leaving him. Or was it a sob? He had not a clue, but his chest was tightening on him as he hugged onto the black-haired man who hugged him tightly in response. As if he were keeping him put together. Keeping him from falling to pieces at his feet. It had him clinging onto Shouta just as fervently. "You'd be surprised by how badly things have gone for me when confessing. Not everyone in the world would call me a man, you know."
"But I'm not everyone in the world, am I? You've easily been a best friend of mine for months now and one kiss isn't going to change that." He felt a hand rub up and down his back then idly which had him melting with his head coming forward to press his face back into Shouta's shoulder with arms tightening around him. "Hizashi, I'm not going to hate you for something as simple as being transgender. I mean, I need a bit of time to wrap my head around it. Just like you need time to think about my apology."
"I'll give you all the time in the world to think about it! I mean, the fact you're not rejecting me as your friend all together is kinda amazing! Most people would be out the door and never text me back, you know! It's happened so many times, Shouta, that I can't tell you how used to it I am. The fact there's so many accepting people in my life is mind-blowing. And the fact you're still here? It's even better. I can't thank you enough for not hating me. For not being disgusted with me."
"How could I ever be disgusted? You're still my best friend. You're still the same Hizashi you were before telling me. I thank you for having the strength to tell me like this. But just know, I'm not most people nor am I others. I'll never walk out on you just for being trans." Arms squeezed around him once more to which he nuzzled his face into his shoulder as he inhaled that vanilla scent of his cologne. "This has been a very eye opening afternoon, hasn't it? A rather productive talk, wouldn't you say?"
"It really has been, hasn't it?" He gave another nuzzle as he inhaled that comforting vanilla cologne when he then pulled back to meet the black-haired man's gaze again with arms tightening around his waist. It was nice. Unbelievably nice to hug his friend again after days of coldness. Of silence. "But seriously, don't be afraid to take a few days to really think about it, you know? To think in depth if you wanna continue being my friend because you can be okay with it not but not okay with it later, you know?"
"And you should take a few days to decide if you can forgive me for what I've done, yeah?" He tightened his arms around Shouta who fidgeted slightly with dark eyes locked onto his. An intensity to them that had his stomach fluttering when he then twisted his fingers into the man's sweater to hold onto him securely. He didn't want him to go yet. "And with that in mind, perhaps it's not best if I attend your Christmas this year. We can call! But perhaps not best to be here."
Shouta wasn't coming to Christmas? It had his heart aching when he squeezed himself close to the black-haired man. He wants Shouta to be there. He wants to spend the holiday with him. Especially given he didn't spend their Thanksgiving together and the fact he missed his birthday. He swallowed before speaking again. "But I want you to come over for Christmas! I want you to be there with Eri! I want you to come and have fun! I have presents for the both of you and I want to spend them with you!"
"Maybe it isn't what's best for us, Zashi. We both have many things to consider but I can always come over the day after? Pick up the presents and give you the presents I have for the boys and yourself? I just- We need a little more time, I think. Then we'll have another talk, yeah?" An arm uncurled from around his waist which had him shifting only to jump when that hand touched his cheek. Cupping it with his thumb sliding over his cheekbone. "That doesn't mean we can't talk."
"You sure you're not just skipping out on meeting my family?" He tried for a playful tone which had the black-haired man snorting with that thumb moving sweetly over his cheek bone in a back and forth caress that had him melting slightly with his arms squeezing Shouta. He sighed out then tipped his face instinctively towards the warmth of his palm. "If it makes it easier, I'll have Nem and Oboro over when you come over? So, we're not alone? Or does that feel too much like having parental supervision?"
"It might be better to have them over. Just for a while until we find our footing, you know? We've hit a bump in the road, and we can't just pretend it didn't happen. So, let's slowly work back into our old groove, okay? It might be easier now that your temp position at the school is up. I'll have an excuse to come by your store and visit you!" A sheepish smile curled over full lips to which he found himself smiling back with his fingers plucking at the cream colored sweater of his.
God, he just looked so lovely today. He held himself close to the black-haired man who smiled at him with that sheepishness that made him look so cute. The way it reflected in his dark eyes had him in awe as he smiled back at the black-haired man softly with his arms squeezing the man gently. "I guess you just might have an excuse now! As much as I hate to agree but maybe it is best that we take a few days away. But just be prepared for me to text your ass off!"
"I look forward to it." Arms tightened with that thumb sliding against his cheekbone gently with his palm warm against his cheek. Was he blushing? Or was his palm simply that warm? He had not a clue, but he was more than delighted to stay right there when the black-haired man coughed lightly. Pulling his hand from his cheek with fingertips drifting over his cheek with spots of pink blooming over his cheeks. "So, then, ah, what do you propose we do now?"
"Would you like to join me for dinner? The boys are staying over Nem's and Oboro's tonight, but I can whip up an easy soup and cracker deal before you have to head home for Eri! If you have your thermos, I could even whip up some vanilla milk for you to take home to her?" He loved how that sheepish smile softened slightly to something warmer. A bit crooked but sweet, nonetheless. "I don't mind if you join me. That is, of course, if you want to? I don't want to make you uncomfortable!"
"Zashi, I think we can get past uncomfortable now a days after the past six days, can't you? I'd love to stay for dinner." His heart jumped in his chest as he watched those spots of pink deepen into a soft red that had him squeezing Shouta closer before he slid his arms from around him with that other arm sliding from around his waist. "I can help you, you know. You can think of me as a sous-chef of sorts."
"I'd love that! But I have just one more question for you, Shouta. It's, um, kinda important and relates to the kiss from last week." He watched shoulders tense slightly when he took a breath that trembled on its way down, but he knew he had to ask this. He had to ask if the feelings could possibly go both ways. He needs to ask it just to go forward without feeling awkward about it when he squirmed. "Are we, um, still friends? Or is this- I mean, do you want to take this further? Do you like me like that? Or has it changed at all?"
He watched teeth drag over that full bottom lip with a look of hesitation once again pinching at Shouta's face when he clasped his hands together. It wasn't quite a confession but rather asking if the black-haired man had feelings for him. It was a blunt question, but he needed to know. Even if he didn't feel ready, even if he fantasized about it, he knew that he needed to ask when those dark eyes locked onto his. "I'm not completely sure yet. It's kinda a mess but how about we take things one step at a time?"
He couldn't deny he felt a bit disappointed. He wanted a yes or a no but if Shouta couldn't provide him an answer now, but he didn't blame the black-haired man for wanting to take things slow. If he wanted to remain friends. He didn't fault him at all, but he couldn't deny that some part of him, no matter how small, had been hoping for a yes. That they could go into the new year as a couple, but he knew it was just hopeful thinking. "That's completely fine! One step at a time, yeah?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry if this confusing you, Zashi, I really am but I just- I need time, you know? I need just a little more time if you can give me that?" He jumped when a hand touched the back of his when fingers then threaded between his. And he happily pressed his palm to Shouta's. It felt nice. A thrum racing up his arm as he clung to the hand in his. It was strange to call it intense, but he likes it. Likes holding his hand now that he was sober enough to focus on that thrum.
That current pulsed under his skin like a maddening circuit. It had him squeezing at the hand in his tightly which got him a squeeze back. This wasn't a yes and it wasn't a no. It was something that he could easily give Shouta; after all, he was still scared at the thought of entering into a relationship. But he was more than willing to give Shouta that much. "I'll give you all the time in the world to figure it out. There's no rush! I'm not going to disappear if you don't give me an answer! We'll figure it all out, won't we?"
"We will." The hand in his squeezed with fingers knitted securely through his much to his delight. It felt so good. Shouta had decently large hands that were just a bit smaller than his but they were wide. Broad. Just like the rest of him with callouses on his palm and fingers that had him squeezing back. It was so nice to just hold his hand like this when the black-haired man stepped back and then tugged on their conjoined hands. "Now, let's get some soup ready, yeah? And I'll take you up on that vanilla milk?"
"Absolutely! Let's get cooking!" He squeezed again at the hand in his when Shouta grinned at him. It was just like that sheepish smile; it spread to his dark eyes causing them to glitter at him. Sparkle. And it had his heart jumping in his throat as he let Shouta tug him around the table towards the doorway of the dining room. Hand in his. It was a relief to get most of that off of his chest. To talk. And he knew he was right. They'd both figure it out together going forward. It just might take a little extra time.