A/N: Hello!

So, yes, we're still angsty round here, but just look forward to chapters 59 if you're not a fan of what is going on right now!

That's all...on with the chapter!

Enjoy?

"So when are the words going to start?"

Nothing.

"Derek."

He still didn't respond, neither verbally nor physically.

She sighed as she grasped his hand, giving it a quick squeeze in the hope she could reassure him of...well, she'd take reassurance of anything really. She just wanted something to stop him looking so damn anguished. "Derek, you can't call me, get me to help you like that and then just not say anything about it."

He rubbed his right thigh with the hand she wasn't clinging onto.

"Does it still hurt?"

He shrugged.

She let go of his hand, and finally did something that made him look at her. By it's very nature, he had to look at her to understand.

"AOS?" She signed. Of course, if this was his apraxia of speech being triggered by emotion, which was the only time it ever really showed up before, he was the one who would need to be signing, not her, but she thought she'd do it anyway. Besides, in the end, it did get him to look up.

"I just-" He spoke, his voice crackling. He sighed. "I'm sorry."

"You know you can't ever be sorry- you can't ever apologise to me, Derek. We've talked about this. And you don't owe me any explanation, and you could tell me to go back home again right now and you know I would but-" She paused. "I'm hoping- begging- preying that you're going to tell me what's wrong and not just kick me out with no explanation."

"Been trying different meds. Second lot. Worse than the first. Somehow. Don't know how."

She gave him a small smile. He was speaking, in almost complete sentences. "And they're causing all this pain? That's why it's worse than usual? It has bad side effects?"

He nodded slowly.

"Is it just the spasms that it's changed?"

He shook his head.

"Is everything worse?" She suggested after a moment.

"The...long term, constant pain is better- that's what the meds are supposed to do. But these...shots down my spine and...pain when I move- it's not normally this bad. And then...obviously...yeah."

"And- today, that's why you were...you know?"

He swallowed, and looked away from her again.

"You're embarrassed?" She guessed. Clearly, he could talk about what had been going on, but not the reason he actually called her.

"Maybe." He uttered, eyes back to his legs.

"Don't be. Please. I don't mind helping, you know that. And it's not embarr-"

"I was stuck on the floor. How the hell is being stuck on a floor not embarrassing?" He interrupted, his tone most definitely no longer soft or weak.

She sighed. "Derek-"

"I don't even-" He paused. Another shock wave down his back sent his eyelids together in a heavy wince. "Crap."

"Okay, okay- tell me right now, what have you taken? What can you take? I don't care how stubborn you are, Derek, I'm going to go and find the strongest medication in your cupboard and you are going to take it."

"Dihydrocodeine- find- um- it's at the back of the cupboard."

"Okay. Dihydrocodeine." She repeated, grasping his hand again. She could tell from his tight grasp that he was still in pain. "I'll be right back, and then you'll be better, okay?"

He just about nodded as she ran out of the room and to his bathroom before ripping the cupboard doors open in the hope to find it.

If not, she was just about ready to rob a pharmacy. Anything for Derek.

"Before...what I said about leaving you be if that's what you wanted-"

"That's gone out the window." He muttered.

"Yeah." She agreed. No way was she leaving him now. She sat down on the side of the bed beside where he was lying, curled slightly, and grabbed his hand again, "How the pain?"

"Better. But um-" He swallowed. "Bit dizzy. The...dihydrocodeine- it-"

"-tends to make people dizzy, drowsy, and nauseous, I know." She finished for him with a quick nod. She could tell he was suffering from the second side effect too. "You feeling nauseous too?"

He shook his head.

"Okay. That's...something." She replied, trying her best to be optimistic. "I know, you've told me about the fact you're on new pills and, obviously, now we know that this new pain is not unexpected because of the arachnoiditis but-"

His eyebrows creased. "But?"

"Your house is really messy, and you have no food in your cupboards, and you're running out of plates because they're all sat, dirty in the sink- or at least they were until I washed them and..." She sighed. "I think you're partially not doing these things because you're in pain. But...I- I'm also wondering whether this is anything to do with Meredith. Whether...maybe you're not doing so well without her here to make sure you're doing okay. Because...you're not-" She shook her head to herself. "You're really not doing okay."

"I was hurting her so much."

"I know. You know that I, like everyone else, think that's you're stupid- but I know why you split up and it at least makes some kind of sense but...not enough sense. I get it, but she loved- probably still does love you like hell, Derek. You're pushing her away. All she wants to do is love you, and you're pushing her a thousand kilometres away...and pushing everyone else away in the process. You always talk to Mark, Bailey, Jon- why aren't you doing that now? Why did you call me instead of them? I'm not saying I don't want to be here but I don't understand in what kind of world you'd want me here, especially when you could have called Mark."

He sighed, but didn't reply.

"What are you going to do now? Because I'm not going to leave if you're just going to dig yourself into another hole. You need someone here, or a change to what you've been doing, or...something. Something has to change, Derek, okay?"

"I don't want things to change."

"What was it that you told me you said to Meredith...it's not always about what you want, it's about what you need- about what is best for you?" She reminded him. "How about you take that advice for yourself?"

He swallowed. "Okay."

"Okay?" She repeated with a small smile. "What do you need? Do I need to phone Mark?"

He shook his head. "Need my phone."

"Okay, it's-"

"Still on the floor." He agreed. That was the whole reason she was even here; he'd dropped it, followed it to the floor when he found he couldn't quite reach it from his chair due to the pain when he bent down that far, and then got stuck on the floor, in too much pain to do a floor-to-chair transfer. He would have said he'd never been so embarrassed, but being cared for by, what felt like, everyone in the world except himself after the accident always felt so extremely uncomfortable. It wasn't like he could wash his own hair, or brush his own teeth, or eat, or shave by himself, but that didn't mean he wanted someone else doing it.

"What are you going to do?"

"The last thing in the world that I want to do."

"Hey-" He sighed. "I suppose I have to start with an apology for not being here very often. Life is- well, you know what life is like as a doctor."

Of course, he recieved no reply.

"I've really screwed some stuff up. Wish you were here to get me out of it." He sniffled, just once. "I know we stopped being friends or...you couldn't see me as a friend after the accident, at least, but you know I never stopped considering you a friend."

Still, nothing.

He hadn't recieved any reply for well over a year now.

"And I don't know why I'm upset and why I'm here asking for help from a friend because all those things Meredith said- all the things she said about hating the parts of me that changed because of the accident...I could blame you. I could. But I don't want to because...it was an accident. I know it was. I know you beat yourself up everyday for it for those first few months and I know you would have traded places with me if you could in an instant- although now...obviously, it's complicated now. But if things weren't like they are now, you would have done traded because you were a friend. A really freaking good friend. I'm not blaming you. I'm never blaming you." He paused. "I wish I could talk to you or...rather, I guess, I wish you could response but...I think, most of all, I wish you were here to fix me. No one else can help. But...maybe you could have. Maybe you could fix me, and my relationship and...everything. But you can't. Because-"

He paused, and licked his lips. He hated that he went here; he knew it didn't really do any good.

"Because you're not a person. Not anymore."

He was silent for a few seconds before deciding to make a confession. He wasn't sure why he did that; it wasn't like it was going to hurt the man to say it.

"I resigned from surgery...from work. Told Webber to tell Mark, Bailey and Mer because I'm too much of a coward. And you're pissed. I know you are. I can hear you in my head, berating me as I speak. But-" He swallowed. "I can't do it anymore. I can't handle her, or surgery, or...it just- it's all too much. And it's definitely some of my own fault but...I'm trying. I'm doing my best to live with what I survived with but it's so freaking hard that I can't do it and- today...today is your five-hundred-day anniversary. But not of the day you survived and that fact...it just- I'm not sure what I have left. I'm not...not sure I have anything left. I know I'm lucky to have a five-hundred-day anniversary where I'm doing things by myself and talking and all that- but...mine isn't of the day I survived. Maybe it used to be...but not anymore. Nowadays I feel like you. Nowadays...I'm questioning what living counts as. Whether I'm living or not. What the difference between surviving and living is. Because I-"

"Dr Shepherd?"

He paused, and turned round to find a woman he recognised stood in the doorway. Although, she'd changed her glasses and decided to swap out her classic ponytail for a bun. He had no idea whether that was a one-off, or a new style though.

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid you have to go now."

He sighed. "Okay. That's okay."

"Are you alright?" She asked with a creased brow. "You have your worried face on. You know I never liked that look."

He smiled, just a little. "Just thinking."

"See, that doesn't reassure me. I very quickly learnt that you're often most worried when you're 'just thinking'."

"Right. Good point." He agreed. "But this time, I'm telling you I'm fine. I promise. Don't worry about me. I'm okay."

A/N: Well well, I appear be a great fan of guess who!

Who is woman number 1? Who is woman number 2? Who was Derek talking to? And, most importantly, why do these people exist in this story and why do they matter?

Unless you make a lot of guesses, I don't think you could form the entirety of the story around Derek's accident, but I reckon you could get a good amount of it. All 3 characters have been mentioned before, I promise!

So...hit me with your best theories! Go!