A/N: This chapter is one of the longest and it has given me a hard time, but it's finally here. I have probably been overthinking it, but I really wanted to make sense, hope I did.
Chapter Thirty-One
She could have asked him to drive to the city, but the truth was she wanted to get away, far away from the office where she'd learned about her father's betrayal. She also needed the duration of the car ride to help clear her head a little. She cabbed it though, because she really didn't feel like driving forty miles that night.
She greeted him with a kiss, but immediately smelled something unnatural in the air, a woman's perfume. It was a familiar one, and she didn't have to think long to realize when she'd last smelled that particular scent. It was right here on his doorstep, only a few days ago.
"Is she here again?"
She looked around searching for the redhead from the other night, who had opened the door to her, making her question him, if only for a short while. Later, he had explained that she was his protégé and he was giving her private ballistics lessons, but for Diane there was something wrong with that picture. She didn't doubt any longer that his intentions were clear, she trusted him. But the redhead's were most likely not, and she didn't trust her.
"She?" He pretended not to understand, but something told her he seemed uneasy and she didn't like that. Not right now. She had already learned something about a man in her life today that she never thought she would. The last thing she needed was more disappointment.
"The perky Republican, gun-loving girl from the other night?" she reminded him slightly playfully, but with sharp edges to every word.
"How do you know she's a Republican?" He switched to a playful tone as well, which soothed her a little.
"Just a hunch," she smiled as she took a seat on the couch.
"I thought I already explained." He sat beside her, taking her hands gently in his. She trusted his words and his feelings for her, but a hint of jealousy lingered, she simply couldn't ignore the women around him who were half her age.
o-o-o
They had barely known each other when she got pregnant, and they ended up marrying before their son was born. It all just happened so fast that they were already married when Diane realized she didn't even know her husband well enough. He always talked less than she did and kept to himself. His mother told Diane a lot more about him than Kurt himself ever did. And there were those nights at least once a month when he went out to meet friends, friends Diane had never even met.
So one night, she insisted that he take her with him, to meet his friends. She expected to meet some similarly-aged men with similar Republican views as him, bonding over beers. Instead, she was stunned to see that the group waiting for them consisted of only women.
They were all very pleased to finally meet the infamous Diane, but she couldn't say the same about meeting them. And she especially hated that Kurt hadn't even warned her in advance. The women were around the same age as Diane and Kurt, none of them had wedding rings, and they clearly couldn't take their eyes off her husband. It had been the most surreal experience of her life.
She tried her best to entertain herself and spar with them about politics, but she also had to mark her territory, by showing them who Kurt belonged to. She didn't leave his side for a second, she insisted on maintaining physical contact with him the whole night and didn't shy away from kissing him whenever she felt like it.
But it only lasted until they left the building, when she didn't have to pretend anymore.
"You should have warned me. Why didn't you say something?" She practically demanded right after he pulled out of the parking lot.
"I didn't want you to think I'm hiding something. You could see with your own eyes that they are harmless." He seemed very calm about it, which was in great contrast to her own emotions. She was furious.
"Are they? Please tell me you didn't sleep with any of them!"
She could see that he tensed upon hearing her accusation, and didn't say a word until he pulled the car to a stop. Then he turned toward her and took her hand. She tried to pull it back, but he held it firmly.
"I didn't sleep with any of them. They were my classmates." He sounded sincere and she could see the seriousness in his eyes as well.
"There are no men in ballistics class?" Her voice softened a little as she began to realize that she might have overreacted.
"You have a problem with them being women?" She clearly did, but now that he asked the question the answer didn't sound so simple anymore.
"I'm fine with the fact that they are women, but they were all over you." And she couldn't even blame them, her husband was a catch, but he was hers.
"Do I need to remind you that the only woman who was all over me tonight was you?" His question almost made her chuckle, but she didn't want to give in so easily, even though he was right. "Can't believe it's the first time you're jealous. It's a turn-on."
She wanted to continue pouting, but the look on his face changed to a clear admiration and desire. And even though she was still a bit angry she did feel the same way.
"What are you doing?" She asked when he suddenly unlocked both their seatbelts.
"You know I only have eyes for you. I want to show you how much you turned me on tonight. " He took her hand again, more gently this time and touched himself with it through his pants. She could feel his arousal, that he needed to put an end to this game she'd been playing with him right there and then. And she decided to let him try to make her doubts disappear once and for all.
o-o-o
"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry, it wasn't an easy day." She squeezed his hands gently, appreciating his physical and emotional support.
"She was here, yes, but I'm starting to rethink these private lessons in my home." He sounded sincere, and these were exactly the words she wanted to hear at that moment.
"I like the sound of that," she reassured him with a smile and leaned back against the pillows behind her.
"You said you needed to talk about your dad." He offered the listening ear she needed, why she was here, grateful she had him in this difficult moment.
"Yeah. I asked our investigator to look for any skeletons in my past, in case I really want to pursue a career as a judge. And she found out something about dad, he betrayed his friend for political reasons. Turns out he was actually a hypocrite. I patterned my life after him and only realized today that I don't even know who he really was." Saying it all out loud was definitely better than bottling it up. It reminded her how many times he offered a listening ear to her in the past.
"You patterned your life after the things you admire about him. You don't have to answer for sins you didn't even know about. Your dad was a decent man who really loved you. He even accepted me. That says a lot about him." His words resonated deeply with her. Kurt and her dad hadn't always agreed, but they had managed to maintain mutual respect for each other.
"You were always good with the pep talk." She stroked his face gently and leaned in for a gentle kiss. She had come to the right place. She found the calmness in his presence that she desperately needed at this difficult moment.
"Do you think we should get married again?" He suddenly blurted out something she wasn't prepared to hear, especially not in this emotional state she was in due to her father's actions.
"I'm sorry, what?" She eyed him with disbelief, then seeing the seriousness in his eyes, she opted for a smile. "Was that a proposal?" She only smiled on the outside though. She didn't want to be rude or reject him, but she also didn't want to give him false hope.
The thought of marriage scared her. Getting back together with him was one thing, but marrying him again, she was nowhere near prepared for that step. She was surprised he felt ready.
"I…no, I'm sorry, I know it was out of the blue. I was just thinking out loud. We've barely found each other again. I shouldn't have asked something like that," he babbled, which was quite unlike him, and she placed her palm on his arm to soothe him.
"There's no need to be embarrassed," she reassured him with an honest smile.
"Just forget I said that," he backed off, giving her the way out she needed.
She should have just let it go, but she didn't want to deceive him, so she took a deep breath.
"I don't think I want to marry again," she admitted, closing her eyes for a second before she dared to look at him.
o-o-o
All she knew was that she couldn't bear the idea of being left by herself. Not yet, anyway. She wasn't ready to stay alone with her thoughts. She also didn't want Kurt to think she was using him. It wasn't about him or about them. It was about mourning. She'd buried her father that day, and it was harder on her than she'd thought. She appreciated the hug, but she appreciated even more that he didn't say no when she offered him a drink.
With their drinks in hand, they sat down in the armchairs in the living room, facing each other. They hadn't exactly spent much time in the same room for quite a while, but it wasn't weighing on her because something else was.
"I thought my dad would live forever." She broke the silence. Since it was her who asked him to stay, it had to be her who spoke first, even if it wasn't easy. But she knew she needed someone to talk to, she couldn't keep all the pain inside.
"Understandable. That's exactly what I thought about my mom. It will get better though, I promise."
Diane remembered the day of her mother-in-law's funeral like it was yesterday. Such days leave a huge impact on people's lives, it's almost impossible to forget them. They had still been married then, so naturally she had been there for him every step of the way. She wasn't sure he would do the same for her now, but she was very grateful he did.
"Can't imagine that right now, but I believe you." She took a sip of her drink and just stared into nothing for a while.
"He was such an inspiration for Liam, they got along from the very beginning." Kurt took over the conversation, landing on a subject dear to her heart.
"They really had quite a bond. Remember how as a baby he never cried when dad was watching him?" She hadn't thought she would smile today, but here she was doing exactly that.
"I do. We called him the Liam whisperer." Hearing the expression made Diane's smile even wider.
"We did. Still don't know what his secret was." She was glad their conversation wasn't awkward. That would have been painful, but more pain was not what she needed that day.
"Maybe one day we will understand." He was clearly referring to the time when they would be grandparents, but that seemed like an eternity away. But knowing how much his grandson meant to her father, she hoped she would get to know a similar bond someday.
"Maybe. Thank you, Kurt, for today." She thanked him again, because she wanted him to know how much she appreciated his presence, especially under the circumstances.
"Of course. But it's getting late, I better go. Just give me a call if you need anything." His offer was very sweet, but they both knew she wouldn't take him up on that. It wouldn't have been fair. He had already done more than she'd imagined.
"Thanks, see you Sunday."
After Kurt left she went straight to Liam's room. The boy was sleeping peacefully in his bed. Diane sat down in the chair and just observed him for a few minutes. The all-too-familiar tears started forming in her eyes again. She couldn't hold them back. This had been an emotional day. Her father had been her/their whole support system after the divorce, but now he was gone. From now on, she had to learn to support herself and Liam on her own. Her father had often acted like a mediator between them, he had been there for her son when and in ways she couldn't be.
Now she was really left alone. So naturally this realization made her tears fall even harder. When she couldn't hold back anymore, she exited the room quickly, entered the bathroom and let it all out behind the closed door. All the sadness, the tension, and the hurt she felt came flowing out of her in the form of sobs and tears and afterwards she already felt lighter.
A knock on the door startled her in the silence that followed her outburst.
"Mom, are you all right?" She heard her son's sleepy voice.
"I'll be out in a second, hon." She washed her face in a rush, dried it and opened the door to see her sleepy, soon-to-be teenage son standing there, worried for his mother. "Did I wake you, pumpkin?" She used the same term of endearment as her dad used to use and for a second their eyes locked thinking probably the same thing.
"I had a dream about grandpa," the boy confessed and Diane gave him a tight hug that she needed just as much as he did.
"You were so brave today, pumpkin, grandpa would be so proud of you." She stroked his face gently. She was glad they made the decision to let Liam attend the funeral and she was also very grateful for Kurt's presence. Their support helped her through one of the hardest days of her life.
"He would be proud of you too," the boy responded the way any adult would and that just made her even prouder.
"Want to sleep in my bed tonight?" She offered something they hadn't done in a long time, but it was probably what both of them needed under the circumstances.
"I'd love that," he agreed with a smile and put his hand in hers as they walked to her bedroom.
o-o-o
When she had told Kurt last night that she didn't want to marry again, she had seen the disappointment in his eyes. And she didn"t say she didn't want to marry him again, it was nothing against him, it was only about her. She still saw their marriage as her failure and couldn't forgive herself for ruining the wonderful thing they'd once had.
His disappointed look still haunted her the next day as she sat at her desk in her office. Maybe his almost-proposal had been serious or just the spur-of-the-moment idea, but either way she'd managed to crush his hopes quickly, and she wished she hadn't. He didn't deserve that. Not after giving her/them another chance, a chance she still felt she didn't deserve but had accepted anyway.
"Can I come in?" Kalinda knocked on her open door with a laptop in hand and Diane knew right away her day wasn't about to get any better.
"More skeletons in my closet?" Diane tried to joke it off. Kalinda's first find had been some vampire fanfiction Diane's housekeeper had written using her email address. The thought of it still made her chuckle. But the second find - about her father - had shaken her deeply, and she wasn't ready for another shock.
"One or two," Kalinda replied, setting the laptop on Diane's desk and pressing play on a video showing Kurt at a protest, speaking about his political views.
Diane watched only briefly before closing the laptop, she didn't need to hear more. She'd always known her ex-husband had strong political opinions, she even found their private debates stimulating. But now, seeing his views shared publicly felt different, especially knowing it was accessible for anyone.
"Your ex-husband has quite the views," the investigator commented, but her tone and expression stayed neutral. Diane appreciated that about her.
"He does," she said, gazing at the closed laptop, Kurt still on her mind. She thought of the conversation they'd had last night about her father, how supportive he'd been.
"The record shows that you divorced over fifteen years ago. But I've seen him around the firm recently," Kalinda said tactfully. "Of course I don't mean to overstep, but you asked me to look for skeletons, so I wanted to show you."
"Thank you, Kalinda. Please don't stop investigating."
Ironically, the man who could become an obstacle to her future career - the career she wasn't even sure she wanted anymore - was the man she'd loved most of her life, and who had sort of proposed to her last night. Seeing this video was something she could never share with him, he could never know about this.
Now, she had all the more reason to question her path toward becoming a judge. It no longer felt worth the sacrifices. But what should she do with her life? Being a grandmother was one thing, but she was still too young to retire. She had at least ten more active years ahead of her as a lawyer, if not more.
Besides being a litigator, who still enjoyed having her own cases, performing in court, she was also co-running a firm. It consumed her time even more than being an associate, a partner or the head of a department in the past. She knew if she continued on the same path, she would only repeat her mistakes, and end up disappointing Kurt, their son and their grandchild. And she couldn't do that again. She couldn't choose her career over them another time. She had learned from the past. She couldn't risk ruining this second chance with her family.
o-o-o
They sat in silence in the back of the cab. She looked out her window, occasionally glancing his way, noting he was doing the same, his gaze fixed on the window beside him. Their evening hadn't exactly gone as planned. She'd looked forward to attending this work gathering with him, having a few drinks, even dancing a bit, before they would go home to their empty apartment. They had no parental duties tonight, yet here they were, hardly looking at each other.
She was aware that if she wanted to break the silence, she'd have to start the conversation, but her mind was still preoccupied with the events of the evening. She already regretted inviting him along.
The stoically silent thing suited him well sometimes, yet other times she hated to be the one who had to carry the weight of their conversation. Especially since only an hour ago, he'd been engaging in heated arguments with some of her coworkers. All he needed was a little encouragement in the form of alcohol and any political topic and soon enough the whole room was buzzing about Diane's Republican husband and his views on abortion, gun control and government spending.
The last thing she needed was the promise of her partnership being reconsidered, she was so close to achieving her first major career goal, to become the first female partner at their firm. Bringing him with her tonight threatened to jeopardize it, and that's why she had a hard time starting a conversation with him.
His political views had always been clear to her, just as hers were to him. But aside from gaining her father's blessing on their marriage, they hadn't faced real tension from their ideological differences, until tonight.
When the cab pulled up at their apartment, she quickly stepped out and headed inside while he settled the fare. Her frustration had only intensified. The tense silence during the ride had added to it. And yet she didn't want to be the one breaking the ice between them. She felt like it was his responsibility now. And she wanted to give him the opportunity to do so, so she sat down on the couch and waited for him to join her.
Once he entered the room, his gaze met hers. They'd looked the other way for long enough, they couldn't continue to avoid each other any longer now that they were all alone. She tried to mask her frustration, giving him a look of encouragement.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, mirroring her thoughts. She sighed in relief.
"I think we should." She gestured for him to sit beside her, waiting patiently for him to begin.
"Your coworkers have strong opinions on politics," he started, getting straight to the point. At least they both recognized the core issue.
"So does my husband," she replied with a faint smile. She liked that he was as determined about his views, as she was about hers. But apparently only until they didn't collide with her own interest.
"You knew that about me," he reminded her with a smile of his own, but she didn't think they would be able to settle this issue so easily. There was still so much unsaid.
"I did," she nodded. She had known, yet she had taken him to the gathering anyway.
"Then why the silent treatment?" he asked, justifiably. She owed him an explanation, but she wasn't sure how to approach it without hurting him.
"Everyone was talking about you. Don't you think you overdid it a little?" She treaded carefully.
"I don't think I did anything wrong."
She couldn't really blame him. He'd only spoken honestly, as he always did. But it was clear he didn't see, or didn't care about the potential consequences.
"I really don't want to fight," she said, choosing to hold back her sharper thoughts for the sake of peace.
"Were you embarrassed by me?" His question was direct, and it struck her. Maybe she had given him mixed signals.
"No, I respect your opinions, I just wish you wouldn't voice them so … vehemently." She tried to make her position clearer.
"I won't apologize for that," he replied and she didn't expect him to do that. She was beginning to see that their conversation might be going nowhere.
"It's fine." She wanted to drop it, to let it go and move on. Maybe he was right and she'd just overreacted.
"What do you want from me, Diane?" His question didn't sound accusatory, more like he genuinely wanted to understand what she'd meant.
"It's not about you, it's about … my partnership at the firm." She finally admitted what had been bothering her, and he didn't even look surprised.
"Of course." His voice held a touch of bitterness, and it stung.
"What's that supposed to mean?" She probably should have let it slide, but the words escaped before she could stop herself.
"Nothing." He shook his head, standing up, and she had to look up to meet his eyes.
"You have a problem with it?" She'd asked him before, but maybe this time she would get a more truthful answer.
"I don't. And it wasn't my intention to jeopardize anything for you." His reply was straight forward and she chose to believe him. It almost felt like the apology he'd denied her just a few moments before.
"But that's what happened." She sighed, her gaze drifting to the floor. At least now he knew what had been weighing on her. Maybe it was foolish, maybe she had overreacted, but it was how she felt.
"I thought you said you don't want to fight," he reminded her gently.
"I really don't."
She looked up at him, her expression softening and she reached out for his hand.
"Then let's not fight." He took her hand and squeezed it gently as he settled beside her, closer than before.
"I just really want this," she admitted. Now that her goal was within reach, the thought of something or someone standing in the way filled her with dread. The partners at the firm were unpredictable, and her future depended on their votes.
"I know," he nodded, holding her gaze. "And you will get it, no one deserves it more than you. No one's worked harder for it."
His supportive response convinced her that he really was on her side, just as she'd hoped. And she really needed to be certain that he was, because she wouldn't be able to pull this off without his support. With a quiet sigh of relief, she leaned into him, letting herself believe, just for a moment, that everything might actually work out.
o-o-o
She had spent the last more than twenty-four hours weighing the pros and cons, trying to figure out what she really wanted. Becoming a judge was like a dream come true, but the more she thought about it, she began to realize that maybe it was not her dream, but her father's dream for her.
With thirty years on this side of the bench, she had used all the tricks up her sleeve to influence the judges' decisions. She would see through any lawyer doing the same, which could be very useful. But did she really want that?
She would have to give up fighting for her clients, which was the best part of her job. As a judge she would sometimes have the last word, but other times she would be forced to accept the decision made by twelve strangers. She had always preferred to be the one making the decisions.
After hours of reflection, she decided she would give up the judgeship, and it didn't feel like a sacrifice. Of course it could have developed into a new career path, she could have ended up at the Supreme Court of Illinois someday, but that was more like a utopian dream than a real possibility.
She also had to think about her current position at the firm. She enjoyed leading it with Will. Despite their occasional disagreements, they had always made a great team. She also loved being in charge, having employees depending on her, giving the firm direction.
She didn't enjoy day-to-day management, the struggle to survive when money was tight, the hunt for clients everywhere she went or the mothering of their fellow equity partners when they needed a referee.
But she took the bad with the good.
But now she felt like she had to make a sacrifice after all, to prove a point to her family, whom she loved the most. She hadn't put them first in the past, but she was willing to do it now.
And that's why she was heading to Will's office, to share her decision with her partner.
He was reading something at his desk, and she didn't want to disturb him, but she also didn't want to wait any longer now that she'd made up her mind.
"I need to talk to you, Will," she said after a knock on his glass door got his attention.
"It sounds serious," he concluded from one look at her.
"It is," she nodded and stepped inside.
"Scotch?" he offered, standing from his seat.
"Just what I need," she accepted and sat on his couch. Once he handed her the glass she took a large sip of the bitter drink.
"I'm listening." He sat in the armchair next to her with his own drink in hand, his eyes not leaving her.
"I've decided not to go for the judgeship, because it's not what I want anymore, but I made another decision that also affects you, and I need you to approve it, please." He was the first and only person she was telling this, and the confusion on his face was a reaction she had counted with.
"Is it about your retirement? I was hoping you would change your mind about that." He sounded honest, but she just couldn't be sure what it was he really wanted. If he really preferred that she would stay, or have their firm for himself.
"I have," she admitted. "I've realized that I simply can't retire, not yet."
If she could make that ultimate decision, this would be a whole lot easier. It would have been the real sacrifice, that would send a clear message to her son. But somehow she thought she could get away with a gesture. A gesture that would still require giving something up that she'd worked her whole life for.
"Smart decision, though I'm sensing a 'but'," he noted with an encouraging smile.
"And you are right, I need to step back as a name partner and cut back on my hours in general. I want to stay on as a partner if you don't mind, but in a reduced capacity." She laid out her well thought out plan. It was basically a compromise, to show her family that she had learnt from her past mistakes.
"We wouldn't have the money to buy you out anyway," he reminded her, but he didn't smile this time and she appreciated it. It was one of the hardest decisions that she had to make. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yes," she nodded and took another sip of her drink. Her decision was final. She would do this for Liam, for Kurt, her grandchild and their future together. She would finally choose them over her career, it was something she should have done twenty years ago, but maybe it wasn't too late.
"I don't think your family would want you to give up the firm you've helped build."
She hated that he practically read her mind.
"It's what I want," she reassured him, placing the still not empty glass on the desk between them, deciding that these few sips were enough for now.
"Understood. I'm really sorry though."
She liked that he didn't protest her decision at all, but she disliked it at the same time. Despite their differences, their partnership had meant a lot to her.
"Are you really?" She questioned him, raising a brow and regretted it right away when she saw the honesty in his eyes.
"We've always made a great team," he reminded her of the several battles they had won together, inside and outside court.
"We have," she said, fleshing him a soft smile. "I'm sorry too, but I have to do this." She was determined. He couldn't have talked her out of it even if he tried. "I'll prepare the papers for us to sign." She wanted to do this on her own. She didn't want anyone else to know beside him. Not until the papers were signed.
"All right. One last drink then, partner?" He lifted his glass and she reached for hers again to toast with him, for one last time as equals.
And she really tried her best to have no regrets.