Carl blinked in shock. He was awfully confused at the moment at just where he was. He had just finished up boot camp and was about to start his week of leave before he reported for his MOS training. But now he was standing in an unfamiliar town at night, clutching an old rifle and wearing army fatigues that looked like they came from the Vietnam War era.
Looking around, he saw dozens of little munchkin monsters running around, growling and howling, biting and snapping at anything near them.
"What the hell…?" Carl muttered as he tried to make sense of what was going on. He had a vague suspicion, but that kind of thing doesn't really happen, right?
Carl watched as the beasties turned their eyes towards him, looking pretty hungry. "Nuh uh, not gonna happen." Carl muttered as he lifted the rifle to his shoulder. He fired a warning shot over their heads, before aiming directly at them. He was relieved that the monsters jumped in fright and ran off at the loud noise. "At least I didn't have to shoot any of them if it turns out my suspicions are right."
"Xander!" A girl's voice called out from behind Carl.
He whirled around and saw a redhead girl dressed in a short leather skirt and a sexy revealing blouse. He must have stared a bit too long at the girl, since she flushed and covered her assets.
"It's me, Willow!"
Carl groaned. Suspicion confirmed. He was stuck in Xander's body during the Halloween episode of the Buffy the Vampire show. Right now all the little monsters running around were actual kids, so he didn't want to kill any of them. But there were still some pretty big dangers out and about on this night.
Carl quickly thought about what he could accomplish in the short amount of time he had while the Halloween spell that turned everyone into their costumes was in effect. He came up with a simple plan.
"Willow, I need you to listen very carefully to me, can you do that?" At Willow's nod, Carl continues. "Everyone who purchased a costume from Ethan's Halloween store turned into their costume due to a spell he cast." To show her he was serious, he swiped his arm through her form. She gasped in shock at being insubstantial.
"Never mind how I know for now. That's not the important thing. Here's what we need to do. First, I need to know where your body is so I can get it to safety."
"Itsrightoverthere!OhdoyouthinkIcangetmy-"
"Willow! Focus! Action now, thinking later!" Carl interrupted the girl before she could get going. He didn't have time to sit around playing 20 questions. When she seemed to be tracking Carl gave her some instructions. "Okay, I'll pick up your body. While I do that, see if you can find Buffy. She's turned into her costume as Lady Elizabeth so she won't recognize you. Convince her to follow you to safety, and come back to join us. Got it so far?" At her nod, Carl nodded back. "Good, go find her now."
Carl made his way over to Willows body and pulled her into a fireman's carry on his left shoulder. He kept a wary eye out for any attacking costumed kids.
Only a few moments later, Willow showed up with Buffy following behind.
"Spirit, where are we going? And how will I get home?" Carl heard the Lady Elizabeth complaining.
"I'm glad to see you're safe." Carl greeted the two and interrupted whatever Willow was going to say. "Right now our spirit will guide us to a place of safety where we may rest until this spell is broken, which will allow us to return back to our homes. If you would guide the way to Buffy's house, Willow? Remember, questions later Willow."
Carl could tell that Willow was definitely suspicious about his un-Xander-like behavior, but he couldn't be bothered to talk about the issues while they were out on the street and vulnerable. He was relieved when Willow showed that she had her priorities in order and swallowed her questions and led them to Buffy's house.
Thankfully it was very close and only took a minute of walking to get to it.
"Lady Elizabeth, if you would open your handbag, I think you'll find a key that opens the door to this house. When we are inside and a bit safer, I'll answer what questions I can." Carl stated when they found out the door was locked.
After digging for the key, they were soon inside. Carl placed Willow's body on the couch as gently as he could. He then stood up and looked at the two ladies who were watching him closely.
"Okay. First of all, there is a chaos mage named Ethan Rayne who cast a spell on the town. Everyone who wore one of his costumes was changed into their costumes. Evidently it brought the spirit of whoever the costume was designed to imitate to possess their body for the night."
"But Xander, you wore one of his costumes too, why are you still you?" Willow interrupted.
Carl sighed. "Because I'm not Xander. My name is Carl Edwards." Carl admitted. He watched Willows eyes grow big at his revelation. "Listen, we can talk about it later. For now, I need you to tell me the phone number to the library so we can have Giles go and break the spell so we can return to our proper places."
Carl picked up the phone and was relieved to hear a dial tone. Willow recited the number and Carl dialed it. He made sure to keep an eye on Lady Elizabeth, remembering that she was very flighty and might run when startled.
"Hello." Giles answered on the fourth ring.
"Hey, G-man. Listen very carefully. Ethan Rayne has cast a spell that turned everyone into their costumes for the evening. Willow went as a ghost so she's a bit insubstantial at the moment. Buffy went as a noble women, so she is a bit out of sorts, not being used to this time period. So we need you to break the spell. Somewhere in Ethan's Halloween store is a bust of Janus. If you break the bust, the spell should end. Willow, do you remember the address?" Willow told Carl the address, who relayed it to Giles.
"Okay, Xander. Stay safe, and make sure Buffy and Willow stay safe as well."
"You got it." Carl hung up, and smiled reassuringly at the two ladies who had watched him. "Okay, just a matter of time before that spell is broken."
Willow was just opening her mouth to ask a question when they heard a scream from outside the front door.
After making sure that Lady Elizabeth would stay, Carl rushed out the door, and saw Cordelia on the ground while a large humanoid canine looking creature was hunched over her, about to slash at her. Carl aimed his rifle and fired a shot, winging the creature's shoulder.
The canine creature yelped in pain and ran off, leaving Cordelia behind. Carl took a few steps to Cordelia's side, keeping an eye out for any further threats. He reached down and dragged her to her feet, and back inside the house, ignoring for the moment anything she was saying.
He closed and locked the door. He then moved Willow's body to a chair instead of the couch and dragged the couch to the front door. He moved a few other heavy things to the door, barricading the front door from being opened easily so Lady Elizabeth couldn't run off. He didn't feel like chasing her around while Spike was on the prowl.
Turning around, he saw that the three girls were staring at him.
"What the hell is going on, looser? I know this is all you people's fault, somehow."
Carl smile wryly at the abrasive girl. "Give me a second to barricade the back door before we start talking."
As he moved on to the kitchen door, he could hear Willow babbling to Cordelia about how she wasn't a cat girl, she was an actual girl named Cordelia. He briefly chuckled at the smart but sometimes flighty girl.
Just as Carl arrived at the kitchen, he saw the back door open and Angel step inside. Carl sighed at the irresponsible nature of Buffy, inviting a vampire into her house. 'Whatever. After Giles breaks the bust of Janus, it won't be my problem.' Carl thought.
He gave the soul cursed vampire a nod. "Angel, help me barricade the door while we wait out this little dust up." Carl almost laughed at the suspicious look Angel gave him for not doing what Xander would have done and insulted him.
Once they dragged the kitchen table to the door and barricaded it, Carl opened the fridge and found some sodas to pass around to give them something to occupy their hands with.
Willow marched up to Carl and tried poking him in the chest, which didn't work. "Answers, mister. Now." Undeterred at not being able to poke him, she stated with her resolve face.
Carl chuckled a bit. "Fine, fine. Now that we've got a moment of semi peace. First things first, for those who are just joining us, the costumes that people got from Ethan's were used in a spell to summon up the person or thing the costume is imitating. Buffy dressed as Lady Elizabeth." Carl motioned to where she was clutching her soda nervously. "Willow dressed as a ghost. And Xander dressed as a soldier. My name is Carl. And I come from somewhere a bit sideways."
He took a breath to think for a moment.
"When I say sideways, I mean I come from a different world, a different dimension where some seer saw your lives and made a television show out of it."
"What does-"
"You can't be serious-"
The girls started to shout stuff, but Carl wasn't having any of it. He wasn't Xander, he had no desire to be patient with them when he was trying to pass them relevant information.
"Shutup!" Carl shouted them down. "Listen, I'm not Xander, and I don't currently have the patience, or an emotional connection to you ladies to let myself be badgered by your idiosyncrasies." Carl bluntly said when he had their attention.
"You really aren't Xander, are you?" Angel muttered. "He would never have raised his voice like that to his friends."
"Exactly. I'm not Xander. Now, I've already sent Giles on his way to break the spell, so we don't have much time. There's critical information you absolutely need to know. I saw some of your probable futures from the show, so I'll fill you in on some big threats."
"The first thing has to do with you Angel. The curse that gave you your soul has an out clause. If you have a moment of pure happiness, you lose your soul and will let Angelus out. So no fucking Buffy until you either get rid of the escape clause, or turn yourself human. I'd look into Mohra blood, if I were you, it might work to turn you human."
If there were any lingering doubts inside Angel's mind that the person in Xander's body wasn't Xander, it was that he didn't use his curse as an excuse to try to break up him and Buffy, and even gave them advice on how to be together.
"The second big thing is that the Mayor of the city is a 100 year old Warlock –NO TALKING!" Carl roared when it looked like they were about to interrupt again. "I've got too much information to pass to deal with back and forth conversation! Just listen and remember everything for now. You can freak out later. The mayor is working on setting up an ascension ritual that will turn him into a giant demon snake. The finale, if you don't stop him first, will be on your high school graduation day, during the eclipse."
"The next thing has to do with you, Cordelia. Your father isn't paying his taxes or something, which will leave you and your family poor when the IRS comes for him. Try to start squirreling away money so you don't end up poor and struggling. From what I remember, it's all part of a plan a rogue Powers That Be has to make you into her earthly avatar, which would result in your death. The plan eventually has you getting pregnant from a half human half vampire spawn, which births her avatar." Carl chuckled at her look of disgust on the girl's face.
"The big thing to remember about the Powers That Be, is that they don't necessarily care about good. They are all about keeping the status quo, and they want everyone to conform to their plan. So you can't automatically trust them to have your best interests in mind. Cause you can bank on it that the evil side is always working solely for evil, so when the supposed good side only fights a holding action, and sometimes even handicaps their own champions of good, then evil will eventually win the war of attrition. So anyone claiming to work for the balance is seriously deluded and may even be working against you if the plan calls for it."
"And if Buffy ever dies again, you can't go casting spells or rituals to bring her back. If you do, the supernatural imbalance will release the First Evil from its cage, and it will work to destroy everything you hold dear."
"Next on the menu is-"
Suddenly Carl felt a wave of energy rushing through the room, casing a headache to explode in his head, and Carl passed out.
Carl felt himself floating in blackness, wondering why he wasn't back in his body already. Looking around, he saw hundreds, or even thousands of floating glowing bubbles.
"Dammit. Those are probably memories, aren't they? I'm not getting back home, am I?" Carl groused angrily. He was pretty pissed that he got hijacked from his body and life and thrown into Xander's. Was Xander now in his body? Damn.
He saw one of the bubbles floating close to him and in anger tried to slap it away from him. The moment his hand touched the bubble, he was suddenly reliving the memory of Xander.
It was more than just watching a movie. Carl experienced everything Xander did, from his senses, to his feelings and thoughts. It was as if he lived the memory.
Carl lived through the memory of being 13 years old in an abusive home, and getting slapped around when he was being lippy when his dad was on the sauce.
Eventually the memory ended, and Carl was back in the dark void, looking at thousands, or even millions of other memory bubbles.
He tried everything he could to wake up, to escape, to not have to experience more of Xander's life. Because it wasn't him, it wasn't his life, he didn't want those experiences. He wanted to return to his life. But Carl was unsuccessful, and a moment later another memory bubble landed on him.
This time the memory was of Xander's life when he was 8 years old, before his father got injured on the job and started hitting the bottle. It was a memory of Xander's dad teaching him to throw and catch a baseball. The warm memories and feelings of pride in doing a good job at what his father taught him followed Carl back into the void.
Carl finally sighed, resigned.
"I'm not getting out of this any other way, am I?" Carl rhetorically asked before reaching out for another memory bubble. If the only way out of the void was through the memories, then he might as well get started.
Carl started seeking out the memory bubbles to speed the process up. But sometimes the emotions roiling in Carl's gut from reliving Xander's life was just too much, and he had to pause to get a handle on it.
Most of those difficult memories were from just after Xander's father had gotten injured and started his downslide. Xander still had such hope that his father would get better, but instead he kept crawling into the bottle and letting his anger out on his family.
The complex mix of hope, anger, helplessness, hopelessness, and a bit of despair that was only relieved by his two best friends Jesse and Willow was a difficult mix to handle, even as the adult that Carl was.
But he eventually got through them, and worked out how to maintain his equilibrium.
Carl relived the first moments of time when he met Buffy, the new hot girl at school. He watched how they saved Willow, but couldn't save Jesse, and he almost accidentally staked his brother in all but blood.
The seeds of the hatred Xander felt for vampires was planted in that moment.
He experienced the sheer terror when they faced off against Catherine Madison, Amy's mother who had swapped bodies with Amy to re-live her glory high school days.
Carl experienced the sheer sexual attraction the pheromones from the giant preying mantis that posed as their substitute teacher released, followed by more terror at being a normal human chained up in the basement, waiting to be the after sex snack. The relief and embarrassment he felt when Buffy rescued and saw him in that situation was excruciating for Carl to experience.
'It's no wonder that Buffy doesn't really respect Xander, after seeing him in so many situations where she had to rescue him. No matter what he does, or how much good, it would probably never wipe out the image she solidified of him early on being helpless and getting in the way.'
Carl then experienced the incident with the Hyena Primal Spirit. The sense of power, speed, and freedom that Xander labored under was intoxicating. Carl had to hand it to Xander, being able to give up that sense of power for fear of turning on his friends says a lot about his character.
'And thank God that Xander didn't participate in eating Flutie.' Carl thought in relief. 'Although raw pig under the influence of a primal spirit tastes delicious.'
And as expected, Carl was forced to experience all of Xander's stupidity and angsting to Willow over Buffy not noticing him. Carl sighed at the unintentional cruelness of Xander. 'Just a dumb teenager, like all of them. Can't blame him for being oblivious, or Willow for being too shy to tell Xander of her feelings.'
Carl was especially appreciative of the experience that let him feel all the pain and emotions of Xander. It was so great to know what it was like to be punched in the face by vampires, and Moloch in his cyber body, and other things.
The next few memories of special note were interspersed among all the normal every day things. Doing the bare minimum of work to ensure he at least got Cs. Carving stakes and researching things that go bump in the night. Hanging out at the Bronze and shooting the breeze with Buffy and Willow.
A kid that spawned the city's nightmares after being beaten into a coma by his little league coach. Trying to save Cordelia from an invisible ghost that ended up being Marcy who had been bullied until she turned invisible.
'And whatever happened to that girl?' Carl thought briefly.
And finally Xander's finest moment till that date, forcing the moping vampire with a soul to lead him to the Master's lair and saving Buffy with CPR. Then the fight at the school with the Hellmouth being opened, and the apocalypse being stopped at the last moment.
Carl frowned in his mind though as Buffy immediately left afterwards to get a handle on coming back to life, leaving Xander and Willow hanging as they try to keep up with patrols and slaying the newborn leaches.
Xarl cursed in his mind as he almost kissed Willow but got cock blocked by a vampire. And then Buffy showing up again ruined any momentum he made toward seeing his girl Willow as the datable woman she was.
Carl especially cursed when Xander let Buffy trample all over him by using him to make Deadboy jealous.
After experiencing so many of Xander's memoriesw, Carl had realized that he was likely stuck in Xander's body from now on. Feeling how embarrassed Xander felt when Buffy just used him like that to try to get a reaction from her corpse of a paramour killed any kind of interest Carl may have had in getting closer romantically with Buffy.
Sure he still thought she was hot, but there was no way he was putting up with that kind of use and throw away behavior.
Xarl once more sighed in resignation at the stupidity he exhibited when, after saving Cordelia, he brushed off her thanks for saving her because he got a bit jealous of Buffy and Angel getting closer.
'No!' Carl shouted in his mind. 'That wasn't me! That idiocy was Xander!'
It was getting harder and harder to differentiate what he had done, and what he was just experiencing.
Then Xarl almost cried over Ampata sacrificing herself so he could live. That amount of devotion deserved to be cherished and rewarded, but it was not to be. Carl didn't know if there was magic involved in making them feel so strongly for each other in so short a time, but he felt the emotions. It wasn't a lie to say that he cared greatly for her.
But a moment later Carl was caught up in another of Xander's memories.
Eventually Carl saw that he was floating in a dark void. The sparkly floating memories were not present, having all been used up.
Carl had finally caught up with all of Xander's memories, and was now floating in a black void. He saw there was just one more memory bubble. A floating bubble of light was hanging in the distance. He willed himself to move to the light, and soon found that it wasn't another bubble, it was a torch that illuminated the torn up body of a Hyena the size of a bus lying on a plot of ground floating in the void.
Carl landed on the ground in front of the Hyena and studied it. It looked very different from those he had seen in documentaries. The hyenas he had seen in documentaries looked like a bunch of ugly retarded cousins of this Hyena in front of him. Even with its broken body covered in wounds, it exuded a sense of magnificence, nobility, strength, pack.
A small flickering of life in the Hyena's eyes caught Carl's attention, and he moved forward to put his hand on its muzzle. For some reason he didn't feel fear in its presence. Once he touched the majestic creature, he relived a fragment of the creature's life.
Carl had snapshots of memories play out, starting from when he was a cub, being raised by his family. They hunted, they played, and they defended themselves from their enemies.
Unlike in the documentaries, the enemies weren't lions, they were demons. Demons of every shape and size roamed the land. And Carl's family fought against those abominable creatures. The Hyena whose memories Carl was experiencing grew strong as he grew up. After many, many years, he became the protector of his family. He stood in front of all the enemies, keeping his family safe.
But one day, he was ambushed by the demons. He was able to hold off the hordes long enough for his mate and cubs to escape, but he was surrounded by enemies and on the verge of dying. In his desperation, he mustered all his power and tore through space, casting himself into a void that the demons didn't dare follow.
For long years he wandered the void, exhausted and wounded, unable to find his way back to his family. Until one day he smelt the faint whiff of home. He wearily followed the scent back to the source, and soon found himself in a human body.
It wasn't actually home, but it was better than the void. He even found a strong female to have cubs with, but she fought against him. And then a spell was cast that took almost all of his remaining strength, leaving him on the verge of death.
Carl felt the nudge then from the Hyena. He wanted Carl to finish him off. Eat his heart to gain the strength needed to protect the pact. It was the last thing he could do for the closest thing he had to a cub to pass on his legacy. At least the demons wouldn't get his strength, bringing harm to his family.
{Grow Strong, little pup. Kill the demons, protect the family.}
Carl felt immense sadness inside at the passing of the strong and majestic creature. He had experienced only a small fraction of his life. But Carl had felt how powerful those feelings for family were. Carl could still feel the strength of determination to protect his people from harm.
Looking at the enormous corpse, Carl's face set in a determined expression. He reached out and took a bite of the creature's massive shoulder. Impossibly a large chunk disappeared from the shoulder, filling Carl's mouth as he chewed. Swallowing the bite, he felt a surge of power rush through his body.
Not hesitating any more, Carl continued to take bites of the body. He continually ate and consumed the remains of the Hyena Primal Spirit. Carl didn't stop with just the muscle. He ate everything. The Eyes, Nose, Ears, Tongue, Brain, Heart, Guts, and even the Bones.
With each part of the creature eaten, Carl felt a corresponding part of himself being strengthened. Each bite that he took and swallowed enhanced Carl's own body.
He felt full so full of energy!
Finally Carl had completely consumed the Primal Beast. He looked up at the torch that illuminated the scene. The fire from the torch floated away from the torch and settled into him, giving him a sense of warmth inside.
The darkness then engulfed Carl, and he passed out.
Carl finally woke up gasping in a physical body again. He sat up abruptly, looking around. He was still in Buffy's living room, which had apparently been put back in order. Everything seemed so much sharper to his senses. He could hear and understand the murmur of voices in the kitchen.
"Looks like Harris woke up." That was the voice of Angel, Carl recognized from Xander's memories.
"Finally. Everyone else was fine immediately, what kept Dorkboy." Looks like Cordelia hadn't left yet.
"Hey, leave him alone! He saved your life earlier!" Willow, dear Willow, defended him.
Cordelia snorted. "Whatever. From what I saw that wasn't Xander that saved me, but that Carl guy." And then in a very low voice that Carl only picked up because of his newly enhanced hearing. "Not like I'm going to make the mistake of thanking the dweeb again. Jerk."
Carl winced at the effect Xander's blunder had on his relationship with Cordelia. For good or ill, he was in this life now. Sure, he would try to do some research with the arcane books that Giles had, but Carl seriously doubted that they would have some spell to switch bodies with an alternate reality person. That kind of spell was more likely to invite a demon into his body here on the Hellmouth than do anything good for him.
So he had to face the fact that he was stuck here for good, as Xander.
'Yup, best get used to the name.' Xander thought to himself with a frown. 'And don't tell anyone you-'
"Xander! Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you're awake! You had me so worried, no one else stayed unconscious as long as you! Do you remember anything about the person that was possessing you? Are you okay?" Willow entered the living room with a rush and perched on the couch next to Xander, wanting to hug him, but afraid to initiate contact.
Ca-Xander opened his arms and engulfed the girl in a hug, smiling at her worry on his behalf.
"Yeah, I'm fine now Wils." Carl reassured the girl. Carl looked over at the rest of the group, Buffy, Angel, and Cordelia, and gave them an uncertain grin. "So, uh. What happened, guys?"
Buffy and Angel exchanged meaningful glances, while Cordelia narrowed her eyes.
"Oh my god, we turned into our costumes and you were telling us all these things about our future that you couldn't possibly have known. Do you remember anything about it? Are you sure you're okay Xander?" Willow babbled at Xander.
Obviously he couldn't come out and say that he wasn't Xander. He had Xanders memories, after all. Maybe he was Xander but thought he was Carl because of the influx of Carl's memories? Nah, he wasn't going to second guess his very existence and identity like that. He felt like Carl with Xander's memories, so that's what he was. But since he was stuck in Xander's body with no way back, he would now be Xander.
'Whoa, wondering mind.' Carl snapped his attention back to his friends.
"Uh, now that I think about it, I remember what that Carl guy did while he was here. It was like I was stuck in the back of my mind, watching the events play out. So, any idea if the stuff he told us was true?"
Everyone exchanged looks.
"Do you remember anything else from him? Like anything to help us?" Buffy asked, but Xander saw that Cordelia was paying extra attention.
Xander shook his head no. "Sorry guys, I'm coming up blank there. All I know is what he told you. Which means that we need to make preparations to make sure certain things don't happen."
"Like Angelus getting out." Angel whispered.
"Like my death. Again." Buffy whispered.
"Like becoming poor." Cordelia whispered.
"Or stopping the Mayor, a major bad guy." Xander pointed out after a bit, still enjoying having Willow cuddle up to him. "But what time is it now? Should we be looking for the kids that were trick or treating now, or what?"
Cordelia snorted. "You've been out for a couple hours. We already went out and herded all the kids back to their homes. Way to slack, looser."
For some reason, Cordelia's habitual complaining and insults didn't bother Carl anymore. If anything, the insults seemed to be full of good will. It was like she used insults to show how much she cared.
Carl/Xander snorted. "That's me, Mr. Malingerer." He joked. "Well, I'm glad to see everyone I care about okay. And Deadboy looks okay too."
Xander just sat back and enjoyed the scowls sent his way at his insult. Just because he was polite to Angel during the crisis, didn't mean that he didn't share Xander's opinion of a 250+ year old vampire hitting on a 16 year old. Especially when that girl was the Vampire Slayer. Having a relationship with the undead when Buffy was full of the Vampire Slayer spirit was probably what messed with her in some magical, mystical fashion.
"Okay, then. Thanks for the glares everyone." Xander thought about it, but went ahead and decided to broach the topics on his mind. "Okay, before we break for the evening, I've got some things to say. Some of them are of the good, so I'll start with those."
After some wary nods Xander took a deep breath. It was amazing how hard Xander's memories made this.
"First, the easy one." Xander paused for a moment. "While I was passed out, I was having some dreams of some of the things that have happened recently, and I realized that I acted like a jerk to you Cordelia when you were trying to thank me for saving you from the Frankenstein guys. I'm sorry I blew you off then. I didn't mean to give you the feeling that you weren't important. I was just being a dumb teenage male. Forgive me?"
"Whatever dweeb. This isn't some Kodak moment." Carl could tell that despite her caustic words, Cordelia was pleased at what he'd said.
"Thus translated: Thanks for saying that, it makes me feel better, but there's no way I'm letting you know I'm soft enough to have such emotions. Dweeb." Xander joked, eliciting a snort of laughter from Cordelia.
Buffy looked back and forth, wondering just what she should think of it, while Angel just looked bored.
"Okay, next." Xander looked down at Willow where she was still snuggled up against him on the couch. "Hey, wanna go on a date next weekend, Willow?"
"What?" Willow blankly said.
"You. Me. Date. This weekend. Yes or no?"
"Yes!" Willow exclaimed, smiling hugely at him, which Xander returned the smile.
He then looked back at the group standing in front of him, letting the smile fade away.
"Okay, now some things that I feel that I have to get off my chest. I know what I'm about to say is not what people want to hear, so I'm only going to voice it this once, just so it's out there, and I'll never bring it up again. Seriously, if anyone starts talking about it around me, I'm just going to go find something else to do so I won't get dragged into the discussion."
Carl noticed the wary looks his way. Taking a deep breath, he began.
"Angel, I find it incredibly creepy and disgusting that you, a vampire who is older than America, is dating a 16 year old girl. Have you even gotten blood tests done to make sure that you aren't a carrier for any STDs left over from your time as Angelus? He was very promiscuous if I'm not mistaken."
"Buffy, as a teenage male, I'm firmly of the belief that any romance that smacks of Romeo and Juliet is to be avoided assiduously. Any romance that ends in the death of one or both of the people involved isn't romantic, it's tragic. I know I shouldn't stick my nose in your dating choices, so this is the only time I'll ever say anything about it unless you ask my opinion. But part of my plan in life is to make sure that you, that all of us really, stay alive long enough to enjoy a long life. You're not destined to die, despite the stupid lies the damned Watcher's council have been feeding you. So I don't want you to feel like you have to somehow fit some kind of epic romance in your life just so you can really live before you kick the bucket. As far as I'm concerned, you'll die in your bed, surrounded by your kids and grandkids years and years from now."
"Okay, I've said what I wanted to say, let the smacking commence." Xander then scrunched up, waiting for someone to hit him for being way too blunt.
After a few seconds, he opened his eyes when he didn't get hit. He looked around, and saw everyone looking at each other, rather than him.
Angel and Willow had guilty looks as they looked at Buffy. Cordelia had a look of disgust on her face as she looked at Angel, and Buffy was giving Xander an inscrutable look.
"You really mean that?" Buffy asked, not specifying what she was referring to.
Xander nodded seriously, looking Buffy in the eyes. "I do. I plan to do everything in my power to make sure we all live. That we get to have lives beyond the fight. You're not alone in the fight."
"I…" Buffy didn't have any words Xander offered his other arm for a hug, and Buffy almost collapsed on the couch into a three way hug between Xander, Willow, and Buffy.
While Willow was babbling something about being sorry she was pushing Buffy to have a doomed romance, Xander raised an eyebrow at Cordelia. "There's room for more cathartic hugging here, if you're of a mindset."
Cordelia snorted, amused despite herself and sat herself on a chair. "I'm fine dorkboy. I know who I am. I don't need group therapy."
Angel just stood there awkwardly for a bit, before starting to depart by the back door.
"Angel!" Xander called out. The soul cursed vampire paused for a bit at the doorway. Buffy and Willow paused to see what else Xander had to say.
"Just a reminder, you didn't do the things that Angelus did. I think it's time you stopped beating yourself up and punishing yourself for what the blood demon did in your body while you were away. Seeing you mope and be depressed probably made the demon happy anyway. I bet it would be torture for it if you started doing good deeds. Helping save people from the things that go bump in the night, volunteer at soup kitchens, whatever. And it will help you tip the scales further in your balance whenever you finally kick the bucket for good. At some point in the future we could all join up for a barbecue up there in the light."
Angel looked over his shoulder at the group of teenagers sitting in the living room and faintly smiled. "I've got some things to do. I'll see you around."
"Angel…" Buffy trailed off as Angel departed.
"Maybe he's going to check into what that Carl guy said earlier, about looking for a way to turn human." Willow offered, still somewhat hoping that Buffy would focus on Angel so she had less competition for Xander.
"Well, shall we start escorting the maidens home to safety?" Xander asked in an exaggerated tone of voice, hoping for humor to displace the seriousness of the moment.