Secret Agent

Grant Avenue School hosted a welcoming night for kids and parents on a Friday evening. School started on Monday, and Beaver had been delighted to learn his class would have Miss Landers again. Up on stage, the principal, Mrs Rayburn, talked about plans for the new school year. The teachers were lined up, standing instead of sitting. That seemed strange to Beaver, uncomfortably dressed in a white shirt and bow tie, with his hair slicked back. Moms were like that. He sat next to his chubby pal, Larry, whose mom had done the same to him. The boys put heads together.

"Hey Larry, why don't they let the teachers sit instead of stand?"

"I dunno." Larry had that look of when his brain was working. "I think it's so they look ready for action. They'd look lazy if they were sittin' down."

That wasn't the only problem for Beaver. "There's somethin' different about Miss Landers." Her hair wasn't put up the way most women did. It was straight, and just long enough to touch the shoulders. Only girls and movie stars wore it like that. Instead of a white blouse, the top had short puffy sleeves, and the neck was wide enough to see the tops of her shoulders, worn over a black skirt. "Hey Mom, what kinda shirt does Miss Landers have on?"

"It's a peasant blouse," said June Cleaver. "It looks very nice. Pay attention, now."

Still, her posture wasn't the same as before. The weight was on one leg, with the other one a little out to the side. Beaver didn't have a word to describe the casual stance. "Larry, what does she remind you of?"

"I'd say she's cool, but that would be odd for a teacher."

Each of them took turns making short remarks, until Miss Landers took the podium to more applause than the others got. "I'd like to welcome my students to another school year, including the more spirited ones." She pointed. "I'm looking right at you, Larry." Scattered laughter greeted this, even from Beaver's parents. She continued on about other things.

"Was that cool, Larry?" Beaver asked.

"No." He shrugged. "But I suppose I had it comin'."

After assembly in the auditorium, there was a meet and greet in the cafeteria. Tables were moved to the side and filled with goodies. There was tea and coffee for the grownups, and lemonade for the kids. The place was as full of voices as a restaurant. Beaver's folks talked with other parents while they waited for a chance with Miss Landers. That included the Rutherfords. Beaver didn't have much use for Mr Rutherford because he was loud and pushy. His daughter Violet was okay, though. She knew how to throw a ball and wasn't even afraid of frogs.

His brother Wally tugged at his sleeve. "Holy smokes, get a load of Miss Landers! Now it isn't just the boys in love with her, but the men too!"

"Cut it out, Wally. If you say that to her, I'm gonna croak!"

In time, they got their chance. Mrs Rayburn greeted them first. "Miss Landers had some exciting new ideas. One of them she calls 'culture corner', five minutes before recess. It covers things like vocabulary, math, word origin, writing—things beyond the kids' current level. I think it will give them a head start over the other classes."

"Well, fine," said Beaver's dad. "I wish we'd had something like that in my day. Beaver might even teach me something!" They all laughed.

Please, Dad, you're killin' me.

Beaver's mom got into the act. "I just love your new look. It's too daring for me to ever get away with."

Miss Landers elegantly held a chocolate chip and coconut cookie. "I think the kids will like having some extra education sneaked in. I'll try to keep it fun and interesting, with an eye toward having them retain it."

"Miss Landers," Wally said, "I'm dabbling in calculus just for the heck of it, but it's way over my head."

"Perhaps I can help you, Wally. You may ask me anything in particular that gives you trouble."

"Gee, thanks!"

Beaver's mom again: "I know a way to arrange that. Why don't we set up a dinner date at our place?"

Holy moley, this can't be happening.

"Why, that would be fine, Mrs Cleaver! I look forward to it!" She glanced down at Beaver. "Don't you think that's a good idea, Beaver?"

"Huh? Oh sure. Real good." He forced a smile. Then he tagged along with his brother, who'd spotted a class mate.

"Hiya, squirt!" said Eddie Haskell. "Your teacher is a real doll. I might ask her for a date myself. Heh heh heh!"

"Cut it out, Eddie." Beaver scowled.

"Yeah," Wally said. "That's way out of your league."

Beaver looked up. "Wally, how'd you like a fat lip?"

Wally put hands up. "Take it easy. We're just given' ya the business!" The two older boys went off in search of girls they knew.

Larry sidled up. "Okay, Beaver, spill. What were you guys talkin' about?"

"You aren't gonna believe it. Miss Landers is comin' to dinner!"

"Holy cow! Wait'll the guys hear about this!"

"Larry, wait!" Too late; his life was over. He was officially teacher's pet.

Saturday afternoon

Beaver set up ten army men on his end of the bed, while Larry did the same on his end. They had some time to kill until the dreaded dinner hour, and Larry had to go home before then.

"Tell me again how this works, Beaver."

Beaver picked up a poker chip and held it between thumb and index finger, sailed it like a Frisbee. It knocked down one of the enemy. "Ha! That one's dead, since he's on his face. If he lands on his back, he's just injured, and you can use him in round two when he gets out of the hospital."

Larry's shot missed. "I was just thinkin'. With Miss Landers knowin' calculus and all, she must be Wonder Woman's secret identity."

"Come on. Wonder Woman is a comic book."

"Okay then. She's a secret agent!"

"Ya think?" Beaver missed. "Let's take two shots to speed things up." He missed again.

Larry's shot knocked a flame-thrower soldier on his back. "Nobody knows what she does after class. You an' me can't go out after dark, but Wally can."

Beaver paused. "You want me to ask Wally to spy on her? He'll think I'm a creep!"

"But we gotta get to the bottom of this. She might be a spy for the other side!"

This time Beaver hit two men, face down. "Why don't you ask her?"

"Are you kiddin'? I might get rubbed out!" He pondered a moment. "I'll bet we can get that wiseguy Eddie to do it. See what Wally thinks."

"We'll see." Beaver, more practiced at a game he invented, reset with six men out of the hospital to Larry's four. He ended up winning by a small margin.

"I guess I better go," Larry said, fetching an apple out of his pocket. "See if your folks will ask her stuff, then tell me all about it." He went downstairs and said goodbye to the Cleavers. Mr Cleaver was busy with steaks on the grill, while his wife set places on the patio. The view from a nearby tree was perfect. Gilbert and Whitey were waiting on the street side.

"All right," Gilbert said. "For two bits, this had better be good."

"Yeah," the smaller Whitey said. "We wanna see her smoke or somethin'. She might even cuss!"

"Don't worry." Larry glanced back at Mr Cleaver, who brushed sauce on the meat. "They're havin' corn on the cob. She might get it all over her face!"

"I dunno," Gilbert mused. "If she's a spy, what's she doing messin' around in school?"

"They all do that." Larry stole another glance. "They need a secret identity, like Superman."

"So what's the plan?" Whitey asked.

"As soon as Mr Cleaver goes inside to say the steaks are ready, we go up this tree. There's plenty of leaves up there to hide in."

Gilbert shook his head. "I sure hope we're wrong about this. If Miss Landers is a spy, they'll have to put her in jail. Our next teacher will probably be a whip cracker who gives tons of homework."

"We'll know soon enough," Larry said with self-importance. "Wally and Eddie are gonna follow her, if Beaver can talk him into it."

Whitey grinned. "I feel like a secret agent myself, spyin' on folks like this."

"As long as we don't get caught," Gilbert added. "Heck, we should have thought to bring a camera. That's real secret agent stuff."

Larry peeked one last time. "I'd sure hate to be in Beaver's shoes. He's gonna be nervous as a cat."