A/N: Hello, everyone. I hope your summers are going well. Much thanks to TheLightReviewer for the comments on chapter 8 - please continue to point out your thoughts :).
As always, I hope you all enjoy the chapter. I know this chapter is even shorter than usual, but if I had added in one more scene the balance would be upset. The next chapter will be about twice as long, though, so please look forward to it.
Raine stared suspiciously at Genis and Rai. They had both come in late, dripping from the rain, and Lloyd had insisted that the group wait for them but had dodged the question when asked why. Genis did look more upbeat than he had for the past few days though, which was a good thing. Maybe Rai had somehow managed to cheer him up. Come to think of it, she had never gotten a chance to sit down with Genis and discuss what, specifically, was bothering him...
Kratos cleared his throat. "Now that we're all here," he said in a slightly irritated tone, "we should clear up some things about the journey. We'll be heading out on it tomorrow morning, so there are a few things to discuss."
Still lost in thought, Raine let him talk about the route they'd be taking and warn the children about mature conduct during the trip. After a few moments she saw that everyone was staring at her and she realized someone must have addressed her. "Sorry, I was momentarily distracted," she admitted, looking around the gathering and trying to figure out where they'd left off.
"I asked if you had anything to add," Kratos said after a pause, looking like he was trying to decide whether to be amused or irritated. She searched her mind.
"...Ah, yes. For anyone who doesn't know, Rai managed to obtain some exspheres from the Desian ranch for our use, and with the help of Lloyd and Dirk, we also procured the necessary key crests, which are necessary to use the exspheres without side effects. They should help enhance the abilities of those of us who don't already use one."
She noticed Kratos give Rai an unreadable yet significant look at the mention of the Desian ranch. Rai didn't return it.
"At any rate, anyone who requires an exsphere can procure it from Rai," she continued, continuing to watch Kratos out of the corner of her eye. He was now staring at the wall with a decidedly frustrated air. "Genis, Colette...?"
Colette spoke up for the first time. "I have my Cruxis crystal, Professor," she said softly.
Raine glanced at Genis and was shocked to see him look to his hand, where there was already a round exsphere attached to his flesh. When...?
Before she could ask, Genis stood up, a determined look in his eyes. "Before we continue, I think there's something I should tell everyone."
Raine didn't miss the looks Rai and Lloyd shot at her brother. Obviously, they had some idea of what Genis was talking about.
"I want to tell you the details of my imprisonment in the ranch," Genis admitted.
As he continued, Raine could feel a fierce stabbing in her chest. Genis had been shouldering all this guilt, but she had been so preoccupied with her own issues that she hadn't even set aside the time to ask about it?
He concluded his story, ending by explaining that the exsphere he held was the one that had been held by Marble, and Raine stood. "Genis...why didn't you tell me?" she whispered.
Genis looked pained. "I'm sorry, Raine!" he burst out. "I was scared - I knew you were already mad that I went to the ranch..."
Raine took a deep breath, trying to control her emotions. "Young man, if you ever hide something like this from me again..." She paused, looking at his downcast face, and finished instead, "I'm sorry too. I should have asked you what was wrong."
His head jerked up in surprise as he glanced at her, but said nothing. After a few seconds, Dirk cleared his throat, speaking for the first time since they'd arrived at his house.
" 'S long as we're on the subject of exspheres, I 'ave something to say," he said in his gruff voice. He turned to Lloyd before he continued, explaining the story of how he had been found and why his exsphere was important. Raine closed her eyes, unwilling to watch Lloyd's expression. She had heard this story before, but she knew Lloyd hadn't known all the details.
As Dirk finished his explanation, she opened her eyes and her gaze fell on Kratos once more. To her surprise, his gaze was clouded and he looked...sad? Regretful? He was staring at Lloyd, who in turn was staring at Dirk with tears in his eyes, one hand covering the exsphere on the other. "S-so that time," Lloyd choked, "it really was Mom..."
Raine wasn't sure what he meant, and she doubted anyone else did either, but nobody said a word. Beside Lloyd, Genis placed a hand on his shoulder, looking helpless to comfort his best friend, and Colette was almost in tears. Rai, on the other hand, was staring out the window at the rain with an annoyed expression on his face. Despite having expected this from him, Raine felt a stab of anger. She was fairly certain Rai hadn't known about this before; how could he be completely unaffected? It was this sort of thing that kept her on edge around him.
She pushed the thought away and remembered something of interest from Genis's story. "I forgot to mention something - everyone, be careful with how you use your exspheres. They're dangerous without key crests - what Genis described as happening to Marble can be the result." She studied their faces and noticed another flash of something in Kratos's expression. She couldn't figure him out, and that bothered her; she decided she didn't trust him.
Surprisingly, it was Lloyd who spoke next. He'd seemingly gotten control over his emotions, because the tears were gone and he looked like he was trying to figure something out. "Why do the Desians put the exspheres on humans in the first place, then?" he asked, brow furrowed. "Why not just use them for something, if they're so powerful?"
Raine was impressed that he'd thought of this; it was the same thing she'd been puzzling over herself. It seemed like an odd thing for Lloyd to say, though; she would have expected him to say that it didn't matter why the Desians did what they did, that they were evil bastards anyway. "Maybe they're doing some kind of experimentation?" she mused aloud. She felt a gaze burning into her and turned her head to look at Rai. He was staring at her with an odd expression on his face. "What do you think?" she asked him.
"I agree," he said, without missing a beat. He seemed to struggle with himself for a moment before finally continuing, "After all, it doesn't seem like they use the humans at the ranch for anything productive. They just seem to have them push heavy blocks around in a circle and complete other meaningless tasks. One can only conclude it's experimentation, and that it has something to do with the exspheres." He looked like he was holding back from saying more, but Raine didn't press him. She knew the feeling of not wanting to share her conclusions until she was sure about them.
Kratos's voice cut into the silence. "We should get back on topic," he said. "Everyone, pack light. One change of clothes should suffice, but make sure to pack enough food for at least ten days, and ration it carefully. Pack things that won't spoil easily, and we can use magic to slow the process further. Be especially careful with the water, and we must refill whenever we can. Our first destination is the Fire Seal. There are some way-points in between, so we shouldn't have to journey for more than three or four days at a time, but we don't want to run the risk of running out of food or water..."
As he continued, Raine glanced back at Rai, who was staring out of the window again. He hadn't made eye contact with Kratos the whole time, and seemed to bristle with annoyance every time the man spoke.
She sighed. There were so many variables she didn't understand, and it seemed like almost everyone was now acting in ways she didn't expect. Even Colette was oddly quiet, she realized; the girl was sitting in the corner staring at her hands, showing no sign that she even knew Kratos was speaking. Raine resolved to ask about it later, but there was a sense of foreboding in her heart.
She had a feeling this journey would be a great deal more difficult than it should be.
Rai stared down the path leading to Anna's grave, feeling like there were ten pounds of lead in his stomach. After the meeting in Dirk's house, everyone had split up; Lloyd was in his room talking to Colette, Raine was deep in conversation with Genis...
And Kratos, for the last half hour, had been standing in front of his dead wife's grave.
Make up your mind already, said Akira's voice in his head, sounding surprisingly tense. Maybe Rai's unease was rubbing off on him.
Finally he stood up and walked down the path, feeling his legs get heavier with every step. He had to confront Kratos, but there was some part of him that wanted nothing more than to run away and pretend that they had nothing to do with each other.
After what seemed like at least ten minutes for what should have been a thirty second walk, he found himself standing next to Kratos in front of the gravestone. It was a rich marble slab, with letters engraved on it spelling out only the first name - Anna - and the date of death. He supposed Dirk hadn't known any other information about her. They stood there in silence for a time, until eventually Kratos turned to glance at him. Rai looked back silently, waiting for the swordsman to say something, but Kratos remained silent.
"Father," Rai said finally, his tone icy. He wasn't sure what to feel, and he found himself grasping for his rational self, the one that took in everything like a machine and spat out the correct actions. He felt the change as all the uncertainty flooded out of him and he was left with only an empty calm.
Kratos's expression flickered with a mix of what could have been surprise and guilt. "So you...remember me," he said flatly, averting his eyes.
At this, Rai found himself slipping. He was unable to hold on to his calm state, and he felt some of W's emotions spilling out with an overwhelming intensity. Akira seemed to fade away into the background in the wake of the waves of fury. "How dare you," he spat, taking a few steps forward until his face was only inches away from Kratos's. "You abandoned me, and now that you're finally back all you can be concerned with is your other son, Lloyd. You can't even spare a mere apology for me. And you dare to suggest that I would have forgotten who you are?!" He was breathing heavily, and only when he saw the sheer shock on Kratos's now open expression did he realize what he'd just let slip. How was he going to explain that he knew Lloyd was Kratos's son?
"How did you know...?" Kratos's eyes were wide, and there was a slight tremor in his voice. In any other situation Rai would have relished how taken aback the usually inscrutable swordsman was, but he couldn't bring himself to enjoy it. He averted his eyes. Damn it...how am I going to explain this...? For once, his mind was almost completely blank, except for a strong current of self-loathing; he had let the weakness of his emotions take over during a critical moment. He couldn't believe he'd fallen so far - since when had he been so incapable of controlling it?
"No, never mind that," Kratos said suddenly, sounding pained, and Rai looked back at him in surprise. "There's something I must tell you about that. But..no, first...the fact that you remember me...no that's possible, but...how much do you remember of...?" He was rambling, looking utterly lost. Who was this, and what had he done with Kratos?
Slowly, as Rai's mind began working again, he started to put the pieces together. Kratos had expected him to have forgotten his face, and presumably about Cruxis as well. It was true that he didn't remember much of that time; it was mostly a blur, except for the last week or so. He had found that slightly suspicious in the past, considering that he had an excellent memory, but chalked it up to his having been young. But now...
"I know you're from Cruxis, and I remember growing up there," Rai bluffed. "I haven't forgotten anything. Did you try to tamper with my memory?"
Kratos seemed to crumble; it was as if he had aged twenty years just standing there. "Rai...so it didn't work, you remember it all after all...I'm so sorry - I couldn't protect you..." He staggered forward and crushed Rai to his chest in a hug. Rai was too stunned to move as Kratos continued to speak softly. "Blame me...you have the right to be angry at me, Rai...I'm sorry..."
Wh-what the hell is going on? A-akira? Do you have any idea what he's talking about? What am I supposed to have remembered? There was a definitely a lot more going on here than he had originally thought. Akira was silent.
Finally the soft reply came. Rai...don't ask. Don't remember. You're better off not knowing.
I - what - Rai felt completely frozen, his mind running in an endless loop and his whole body shaking with panic. There were too many conflicting trains of thought in his mind, and since this situation made no logical sense with the information he had, there was no obvious step to take. Calm down, Rai, calm down, calm down, he told himself firmly, closing his eyes briefly and trying to stop the shaking. Where was this panic coming from? How could something he didn't even remember affect him this badly? Thankfully, with the way Kratos was hugging him and rubbing his back, he couldn't see Rai's face. He wondered what Kratos thought, why he thought Rai needed to be comforted, but pushed the thought away - first things first, he needed to figure out what to do in this situation. He could think about the rest later. Okay so...think dammit...Kratos had presumably tampered with his memory to prevent him from remembering Cruxis, and also probably something specific. For whatever reason, it hadn't worked the way it was supposed to and Rai still remembered some things, such as who Kratos was and the fact that he had lived in Cruxis, but obviously he still couldn't remember whatever it was Kratos had been trying to hide from him. But Kratos now thought he did remember whatever it was. And judging by the way he was reacting, that memory had probably been traumatic, something that Kratos had wanted to protect Rai from - and maybe it even had something to do with Kratos abandoning him...?
Suddenly Rai's normal self was back, and he embraced the comfort of the cold, reasonable side of his mind; the emotional chaos retreated back into its corner, defeated for now. He could finally think clearly again - as clearly as was possible with all the trains of cause and effect his mind was stringing together, that was. Either way - reasons aside, Kratos was obviously besieged by remorse right now - in other words, Rai currently had the advantage.
"Kratos," he said, trying to keep his tone of voice neutral. Kratos pulled back and stared at him.
"I'm so sorry," his father said softly. "I don't know how I can ever make it up to you. But if you remember...you must know why I did what I did, you must understand..."
Except I don't remember it...
"I'll tell you a way you can make it up to me," Rai said calmly. "I do understand your actions...Father. You only did what you had to. But the fact remains that I've gone through a lot because of what happened back then." I hope that was vague enough... "There is something you can do to help."
From Kratos's reaction, he knew he'd hit the nail on the head. The man looked torn between relief and self-hate. "What is it?"
"I..." Shit, what can I ask for? "...I can't tell you now. But it's a favor you can accomplish. Can you promise me you'll do it?" Ugh, was that really the best I could come up with?! He prayed that Kratos would go along with it anyway.
Kratos said nothing for some time. Rai added, "It's the least you can do, after..." He trailed off as if he couldn't bring himself to voice his thoughts, hoping the guilt trip would work and that Kratos would fill in the blanks himself. His voice even cracked a little, very convincingly; he was surprised at his own acting ability.
There was a long silence, during which Kratos simply stared at him. The man seemed to have regained most of his self-control; his face was once more almost completely blank, and he appeared to be considering. Probably he was wondering what types of favors Rai could possibly ask, and whether any of them could really be that significant. Finally he said, "Very well, Rai. But I have some conditions as well. You are not to tell anyone else who I am, anything about me, or of your relation to me. And...I reserve the right to add certain conditions, within reason, once I find out your request."
He wanted to protest, but knew his situation was precarious enough as it was. He was lucky that Kratos was buying this ridiculousness at all. He nodded.
"Kratos - ...Father - thank you. And I forgive you." The lie felt thick and unpleasant on his tongue. He had no idea what he was forgiving. Gratitude and warmth shone in his father's eyes, and Rai couldn't bring himself to look away.
He had never felt more wretched in his life.