Note:Originally published, with several changes, in The Harmony Drawer, where it still resides, for minimum Dumbledore could have done not to be actively evil. Complete re-write of most of the plot.
Dumbledore: James, Lily, it's time to cast a Fidelius. I hate to be indebted to that nasty little s_t Severus Snape, but if what he told me is true, time is of the essence. Which one of you will be the Secret Keeper?
Lily: Wait, I thought you couldn't be the Secret Keeper if the location was where you resided?
Dumbledore: What? No, not at all. Nor does being the location's owner, and so on. Arthur Weasley is the Secret Keeper for the Weasley residence, and will be until the current war is over. He plans to give his oldest another Weasley home called Shell Cottage and teach him how to cast it for himself in a few years.
James: I guess that's a relief. How will we get in touch with the handful of people we'll need after it's cast?
Dumbledore: I wouldn't advise doing this for more than, perhaps, Sirius Black and perhaps one of your relatives, James. But you can write out the secret and pass it to me, and if I am the caster, I can pass that on to someone else, though it would be useless them passing it on.
James: Maybe great-uncle Henry? Or Charlus and Dorea?
Lily: What about Peter or Remus?
Dumbledore: I've been trying to find who's the mole in the Order of the Phoenix. To put it bluntly, I questioned young Sirius using Veritaserum, and insisted he let me use Legilimency on him without defending against it. Remus is a difficult matter, because he's resistant to most truth-finding methods, though my gut instinct is that he's not the problem. Peter, however, was always an outlier in James' band of firm friends. And this past year, his unexplained absences from the Order and from his old routine have piled up. And he hasn't been available to be pinned down and vetted for months now.
[Peter borrows James' cloak, sneaks back, and catches Dumbledore passing the note with the Potters' location to Sirius Black. He peers at it. Later, he repeats the process when Frank Longbottom shows the secret to his mother.]
Dumbledore: Lord Black, Andromeda, I promise you Sirius Black won't be in any trouble over this, regardless of what the Daily Prophet is insinuating. I will release all the evidence I have against Mr Pettigrew, and if worst comes to worst, offer young Sirius sanctuary at Hogwarts and stir up trouble for the Death Eater faction in the Wizengamot and for Bartemius Crouch. In the bright glare of the public spotlight, they won't dare to railroad him. After all, while it cost us the lives of Frank and Alice Longbottom, we were able to get the truth out of Bellatrix LeStrange before she was executed, and thanks to poor Neville's parents, Barty Crouch, Jr, Rabastan and Rodolfus will all trouble us no longer. Bellatrix affirmed that Pettigrew was Voldemort's inside man, and if we get any trouble in the Wizengamot, our faction plans on fully exposing the Death Eater faction as they present themselves.
McGonagall: Headmaster, What about that cursed scar on the boy?
Dumbledore: It frightens the wits out of me. When he's a bit older and magically stronger, I plan to consult Nicholas, the Unspeakables, and whatever curse expertise Gringotts has about it. One way or another, we'll have it out of him, I promise.
Dumbledore: Molly, I heard your son Percy has a pet rat that appeared suddenly ...
Molly: Uncannily enough, when you Flooed us, he jumped out of Ron's hands and ran into the woods.
[Dumbledore convinces Sirius and Andromeda to try his experiment at placing Harry with the Dursleys. He explains himself to them - it may weaken Harry's personal protection, but he needs a safe place to live, and if he's in a place he considers home, owned and resided in by his late mother's closest relative, then he, the location, and the people in charg]e of him will all be protected very strongly].
[Dumbledore sends the Dursleys several letters, has them meet toddler Harry, patiently explains that they are in danger just for being Lily's relatives, and convinces them to grudgingly try putting Harry up, eventually in the room they'd earmarked as being for a future brother for Dudley or a second bedroom for their only son, if that was how things fell out.]
Dumbledore: McGonagall, did Harry get all the materials he needs for Hogwarts?
McGonagall: Yes, and all the information we forgot to supply him in our periodic letters to the boy. Standard stuff for muggleborns, plus some Potions instruction books.
Dumbledore: Well, that precaution is moot. I moved Snape to something more suited to him, and I've arranged for Horace Slughorn and Andromeda Tonks to split the Potions education.
McGonagall: Oh, Bless you, Headmaster! Thank God that half-baked idea you had about keeping him ignorant of Wizarding Britain never materialised.
Dumbledore: Yes, my convoluted reasoning included having Molly Weasley lie about not knowing where the Platform is at King's Crossing, and complaining loudly about Muggles, violating the Statute of Secrecy. Then I would have Ronald Weasley lie and say all the compartments were full, even though we have less than a quarter the population the trains were designed to carry.
McGonagall: All that, just to get him to befriend Ronald Weasley? Why?
Dumbledore: some half-baked idea, as you say, about keeping Harry Potter under my thumb, I'm sad to say.
McGonagall: Well, glad you gave up on that. Do you still want him to befriend the Weasleys?
Dumbledore: I think so, they're a fundamentally right-thinking family, after all.
McGonagall: So, what will you do?
Dumbledore: Tell Harry, "Harry, the nasty, anti-social families are all banding together, and the families fighting them should do the same. Would you be interested in getting to know the Weasley family? Their son, Ron, is your age."
McGonagall: As simple as that?
Dumbledore: As simple as that.
McGonagall: Good for you, Headmaster!
[There are no issues at King's Cross, Harry meets Ron Weasley on his terms, so Hermione and Neville aren't pushed away by Ron. Harry soon is acquainted with a majority of students in his year, especially in his House. ]
[Potions is enjoyable, leveraging Harry's cooking skills. Severus Snape is part of Pomfrey's hospital wing, and the official Potions brewer for Hogwarts. None of his work is done in secret, and after Dumbledore vouched for him, the idea that he'd somehow try to convince the Death Eaters he was on their side is seen as laughable. Argus Filch is given a generous retirement, and his duties are assumed by Rubeus Hagrid and the Hogwarts house elves, who'd done most of the work already.]
Dumbledore: Cuthbert, you're going to have fewer students soon. You're going to be moved to teaching Special Subjects once a week, starting with the Goblin Rebellions. Didn't want you upset when you noticed. Another teacher will be sharing the Magical History lessons with you.
Dumbledore: Sybil, we're going to have the prominent Centaur Seer Firenze take your classes for a while, while you undergo treatment at Saint Mungos. After you're released, you will be forced to take a vacation, which you haven't for years. Since the forces of Voldemort are still a danger to you, because you told me a true Prophecy about Voldemort, we'll sneak you out and you can't communicate with anyone in Britain until you're ready to return. The staff met generally, and in addition to the drink, your new habit of predicting the deaths of children as young as eleven years of age we see as a cry for help.
Dumbledore: Charity, you're going to be co-teaching Muggle Studies with a Muggleborn next year, but for a while, they will have the sole teaching duty. The staff agreed you needed a sabbatical, living in the Muggle world for a year. In the meantime, we're surveying all the other magical schools for better textbooks.
Dumbledore: Remus, once we've managed to vet you, and I've consulted Nicholas Flamel and a leading Werewolf scholar who've agreed to help, I've been considering hiring you for Defense Against the Dark Arts. Alastair Moody has volunteered to teach a class once a month in your place, so have no fear on that score. In the meantime, you, I, and Alastair are going to prove our mettle by determining the existence of a curse on the position once and for all, and if it exists, removing it.
Dumbledore: Head Unspeakable, I was able to determine that my former Muggle Studies professor, Quirinus Quirrel, is possessed by a spirit that seems to be that of the late necromancer, Thomas Riddle, or Voldemort as he is normally named. I was able to stun him, and if you can keep him in your most enchanted cell, that might be wise. Tom was heavily involved in Necromancy, I daresay he could give even your most skilled and educated colleagues in the field a lesson or two, so beware. Also, if there's anything I can do to assist you, please call on me. My former mentor, Nicholas Flamel, can be consulted through me, for the security of him and his wife Perenelle.
Dumbledore: Head Goblin, I've brought Harry Potter here to have his scar looked at.
Dumbledore: Thank you, Cursebreaker Snakehook, Healer Grimtooth, and the Unspeakable curse breakers all. Your exhibition of cooperation may have saved us all, if my worst suspicions were to prove correct.
Dumbledore: I've strengthened the protective enchantments on our castle, and the fallout from that is that I've determined that a basilisk was on the loose. The poor possessed student was relieved of the cursed artefact controlling their actions and sent to St Mungos at my expense. A team from the Department of Control of Magical Creatures and I will make short work of the beast, now that painstaking investigation has revealed the location of the entrance to its lair.
Dumbledore: Minister Fudge, if you even dream of putting Dementors anywhere near Hogsmeade, let alone Hogwarts, just to scare little Peter Pettigrew away, Madame Longbottom and I, assisted by several prominent figures, will have you thrown out of office. Don't test me on this.
Dumbledore: If you don't drop this barbaric fixation with the Triwizard Tournament, which is dead, dead, dead and I will personally put a stake through its heart, Fudge, I am going to assume you didn't learn your lesson when your repugnant Undersecretary had the bright idea of killing off our students with Dementors. I have a list right here of the radio and newspaper sources that have been begging me for interviews for decades, and if you think I'm bluffing, well, then, read about it or hear about it later, but don't claim you weren't warned!
Dumbledore: Madame Bones, I had both Mr Potter and Mr Longbottom put their wands near the Prophecy, and for neither of them did it turn red. Mr Potter seemed the more confident child, so I let him take it, and he and Mr Longbottom heard it. I was the one it was made to, and I have a Pensieve memory of it for you. I then let him throw it to Mr Longbottom, who smashed it on the ground.
Amelia Bones: But how will you know if it's fulfilled?
Dumbledore: As to that, I have a dreadful confession: I stirred up the Potter and Longbottom boys with a painful description of their parents' suffering at the hands of Voldemort, because I feared using magic on them would violate the conditions of the Prophecy. In a fit of pique, they finally pushed poor Quirinus, with his passenger along for the ride, through the Veil. Then, when the Prophecy went black, the Chief Unspeakable and I Obliviated them. We then put a semblance on the shelf, with the appearance of it being unfulfilled. That should confuse any remaining supporters.
Dumbledore [to Bill Weasley, an Unspeakable Curse-breaking team and a Goblin curse-breaker]: Without an unprecedented team effort, this last anchor would have, I am sure, taken more than one of us with it. With the right rituals, these things could have been used by a powerful necromancer to create at least a semblance of Ton Riddle, who we knew as Voldemort. I am pleased beyond measure to tell you that that danger has now passed.
McGonagall: I found Mr Potter's career consultation quite fascinating, I must say, Headmaster.
Dumbledore: No, no [waves her away]. Whatever was said is very much none of my business anymore, if it ever was, that is.
Dumbledore: Mrs Dursley, the past summer was, strictly speaking, the last time you needed to see your nephew. In the future, with the chief danger to him ended, he won't even spend the required week at your home, but will live with his godfather whenever he's not at Hogwarts. But I believe you'll regret cutting him off as you sadly did with your sister. At least consider writing occasionally, I urge you.
Petunia Dursley: I'll ... I'll think about it, thank you. I must say it will be a great relief for my husband, Vernon, whose tolerance for freakishness is far less than I or Dudley have ever had.
Dumbledore: Thank you, Harry and [Female Not Pushed Together With Harry by Molly and Dumbledore]*, for the honour of being at this blessed event. Mrs Dursley, I am so glad to see you and young Dudley here, and I can only wish it to be a sign of hope for all of us to put the past behind us and move forward with that which really matters.
*Yes, I'd prefer Hermione, but Luna, among others would be okay, too.