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The following is a fan-based

FICTION

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Chapter 24: Of Romance and Bugs

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These days... these days have been tough on my sanity.

I want to say that I am exaggerating, that I was being a whining moron or something of the kind but-

"So, you want to marry me. Not just 'I love you, let's marry' but 'it is also political situation so help me' sort of deal."

I was glancing at Itachi, the young woman slamming her forehead onto the counter.

"I'm sorryyyyy!"

We were out of the areas meant for the public at her request, and I have to say that this new development really didn't sit well with me.

I sighed. "Seriously, Itachi. I appreciate that you wish to take a step into a relationship, and I appreciate the warning but... it's not exactly like an immediate marriage offer can be accepted on the spot without some legitimate dating and courting-"

"I know!" She whined, a very uncharacteristic scowl on her face. "But my parents said this would fix all my problems and also... I love you."

"I know by now and I appreciate your affection. But Itachi, you have been my most loyal henchwoman for years now so you know my life situation is far from simple."

"I-I guess the pizzeria and Ruruko can be rough-"

"I mean the other women after my ass."

...

"What?"

I sighed, this time being my turn to explain some things as Itachi was, much like other ladies around me, unaware that there was no such thing like me being free for catching with the sheer amount of 'suitors' after my booty.

"You... I-I mean, I get Ruruko, maybe Gaara. Also Anko... but so many other women?"

"Considering that most of the women in the Ninja Corps are in supportive roles during wartime, I will just say there is a fairly large and disproportionate amount of Kunoichi over Shinobi. So yes, there's a lot of women around my age if not older that want to land with the 'responsible guy' kind of bundle. Which I allegedly am."

"You are," Itachi assured, but still frowned. "Still... the Kyuubi. She wants to mate with you'!"

"And I will say Shukako is kind of leaning there too. I am really afraid at the possibility of all of this leading to a broken pelvis-"

"Not on my watch if you take care of Shizune too," Tsunade said while sipping from a cup full of tea-

"When did you even get here?" I asked as Itachi and I turned to greet the Legendary Sucker as she smugly drank tea from the doorstep while enjoying the messed-up drama I was stuck with.

"Pass. Also, my point still stands. You give Shizune a nice nudge and fuck, and I will be your wingwoman to fix whatever happens to your body."

...

"Quick question, you are not lusting after me too, right?" I had to ask now that the topic was on the table.

"Oh, I am not," Tsunade assured, sipping again while I felt my shoulders sag in relief. "I mean, not now. I am still getting accustomed to being back here, focus on Shizune, Menma and Ruruko. Then... heh, it's not like there's much of a choice- And don't you fucking dare bring up Jiraya name into this?"

"...Why would I bring up Jiraya?"

She nodded, her murderous look vanishing. "Good. And never do that."

Kind of glad that she is not after my booty too.

As Tsunade left us alone, I turned back to Itachi.

"So yes, there's this whole mess to handle. It's not just a few women- it's a lot."

"I understand what you are saying, Jonno but..." Itachi looked away shyly. "I still wish to go ahead with this. P-Plus, there is the mistress clause and-"

"Itachi, be honest with me for a moment: would you be happy with the idea of sharing me."

"...No."

"And I don't wish to enforce that to someone that I care for. If you go on with this, it means you have to share and it means that there will be not a single moment of genuine one-on-one romance."

I half-expected Itachi to just nod with this and take this loss but-

"I-I will accept it then," The young woman proclaimed. "Sir, I get it. You don't want me to be upset with the idea of you... well, being with other women. But it is not like you would ever stop to care for me, or for anyone really. That is not how you behave."

"Itachi-"

"I want to go along with this, please. I know it sounds like I am being forced into this as much as I am doing this to you, but I mean it. I can do it, and I know you can too."

...

"I will allow it," I conceded, eyes closed as to not see what reactions I got from Itachi. "On one condition."

"T-That is?"

"A year of engagement. No rushed-up marriages, we work into this situation rather than push fast on it."

Itachi tensed up as I opened my eyes and I saw her think about it and... "Deal."

She left the pizzeria with a satisfied smile as she had to bring the news up to her family, leaving me to sit by the counter and tend to a few clients as Ruruko asked for a bathroom break.

As things were, I could tell a whole lot of strange luck was hitting me everywhere. It was odd for me to think this, but I kind of wanted to be less loved right in that moment.

A very strange thing to think, or say, or do, or-

"Hello!"

I paused, shaking my head as I turned to the boisterous female voice calling. After all, I knew this couldn't get any more complicated-

"Wowzie, this place is sure packed today!" The girl said, fully drawing my attention as I briefly froze up as I made eyecontact. And realized who it was. "Hiya mister. Can I get a menu, please?"

I nodded, giving up one of the menus I had beside me to the non-Konoha kunoichi before seeing her rush away as if she was afflicted by a sugar-rush.

I couldn't believe it. I mean, I knew that this was possible, that it could happen, but for it to happen now? Kind of unexpected.

That was Fuu. You know, short pale green hair, tan skin, orange eyes and... flat. Very flat.

Like, I remember Kurama saying something that all Tailed Beasts had a thing in boosting their hosts if they were in good terms- and I mean 'boosts' at that. So... Isn't Fuu meant to be buddies with her tailed beast?

As I was thinking of this, I saw her rush back to the counter.

"Mister, I would like this, this, and this~!"

I looked down at where she was pointing at and... I frowned.

"Little miss, that's a whole lot of food you are asking for."

"It's alrigh', it sounds yummy."

"...That's all? You want all of this because it's tasty, not because you want it?"

"Well, I am hungry," Fuu admitted, then looked away for a moment. "But it's... rare for me to eat something so yummy-sounding on paper~."

I gave her a long stare and... I hummed. "I will give you one of those three things."

"W-What? But I want all of them!"

"Not with that attitude. And not with the possibility of getting ill with all of that food."

"A tummy ache is fine for good food-"

"You're getting more than a tummy ache with that, little missy."

Fuu pouted. "That's unfair!"

"And?"

"A-And I need it. To grow up."

"My daughter doesn't need to eat that much and she is growing just fine. Actually, I would say she is taller than you."

"W-What? No way, mister! I bet you are lying!"

Her counter-accusations sounded less like mean attacks and more like her trying to make a social interactions.

"Okay- Ruruko! Come here a moment."

The little blonde had finished serving a few tables before rushing back to where I was.

"Yes, daddy?"

"Could you please stand beside this little missy?"

The blonde frowned at Fuu, ignoring her growing giddy look as she did just that and... yeah, Ruruko is taller than Fuu at this point.

"Point proven."

But Fuu didn't seem to care, her short-attention span striking in that very moment as she squeaked over Ruruko.

"Oh my gosh, you look so awesome! Those whiskers-like signs on your cheeks, and- and you are not even wearing a sealing bra! You look absolutely cool!"

"Uh... Hi?"

"I am Fuu."

"Ruruko."

"Oh, can we be friends? I need a friend to show me the village since I am from Takigakure so... please~?"

Ruruko looked a bit weirded out, but lowkey intrigued as she gave me the usual 'Can I go, Daddy?' which I replied with a tired nod.

The two girls vanished from my sight shortly after and I got back to business, hoping- no, praying that this wasn't the beginning of a fucking Jinchuriki Harem or whatnot. I understood why it happened with Ruruko and Gaara, but I can't see someone as simple-minded and friendly as Fuu do any of that towards me.

And of course, I forgot that the buggy backseater within Fuu's mind (and guts) was coaching her on how to seduce men.

AN

A Fox, a Raccoon, and a Bug enter a Pizzeria... this is not a joke, Jonno's life as happily single has its days numbered.

Next time, we look at something a bit more serious-sounding as we look into a rather unexpected trope coming along. After all... someone just woke up from their coma. And they may not be fully alright.