"I'm gonna be late tonight!" I called to Ellen as she was collecting her things to leave for her class. "It's the midterm next week, so Professor Reid and I are going over everything." This was a good enough lie, but the amount I was lying to Ellen lately wasn't weighing well on my mind.
"Well I hope it will give you plenty of wet dream material." She smiled at me with a curtsy. "I have one tomorrow, so don't be surprised if I'm asleep when you get back! I'll see you later!"
I let out a sigh of relief once I was alone. I was meeting Spencer in two hours at a restaurant an hour away, I was stressed enough as it was, but imagine how it was exasperated by how fancy the place he picked was. I wasn't even sure if I had anything nice enough for it. "I'm paying." He had insisted on the phone when he heard the stress tick up in my voice, a statement with zero space for argument. I rose from the couch to start getting ready, I suppose if there was ever a time for the big strappy heels it was now. I pulled out my black dress with a very low back, it was a cheap dress from Target, but it was the most expensive looking piece of clothing I owned. I put my hair up in as nice a bun as I could muster, but I mostly just covered my work with a sparkly hair pin, and then I whipped out the nice earring my parents gave me for my 18th birthday. Taking a bus to this outing was a non-starter, so a taxi it would have to be, I sighed heavily in the mirror before heading downstairs.
…
I sat in the back of the taxi, clenching and unclenching my hands to avoid a more active fidget. God, everything about this was insane. What were we even doing this for? It's not like any circumstances under the sun would allow us to date, and knowing him I doubt he'll be willing to keep up even the physical activity either. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that he wouldn't have planned this if he wasn't at least going to give me some sort of answers. I pulled out my mini-notepad from my purse where I had written down my main questions and feelings. Loser behavior? Perhaps. But it would be easier than attempting to pace my thoughts myself.
I took one final deep breath as the taxi pulled up to the front of the restaurant. This was it, act cool! I handed $100 to my cabby in cash, before stepping out and approaching the hostess at the front door.
"Hi!" I greeted, probably sounding as nervous as I felt. "I'm meeting a friend here? Dr. Spencer Reid?" I asked.
"Yes, Miss Prescott, I see." The woman responded, politely. "Dr. Reid arrived some minutes ago and requested I lead you to meet him at the table, right this way." The hostess led me through the beautiful oak wood room of the restaurant, primarily adorned with candle light, to a table near the back that was unoccupied. Spencer must be at the bar or the bathroom or something. I swallowed nervously as I approached the seat that appeared undisturbed. "This is your table here, you and Dr. Reid, have a lovely evening." She finished before walking back to her post as I sat down.
"Well shoot, I was hoping to be able to pull your chair out like a gentleman." A familiar voice declared from behind me, almost causing me to jump. "But having a drink ready for you should make up for that, hopefully." Spencer continued as he set down a glass of red wine in front of me. "I hope it's ok I ordered for you, you mentioned during our meeting on September 24 that your favorite wine was cabernet." He finished as he sat down across from me. He was doing it again. That same tone he had managed to strike after sex, like this was any other conversation about tea or foreign films. He somehow managed to not project any nervousness at all.
"Ye- yeah, yes, yes of course, thank you!" I finally stuttered out after I realized I wasn't responding to him at all. "I, uh, this place is nice." I added.
"Yeah, I figured it was far enough out of the way from the school and both our homes that we wouldn't run into anyone we shouldn't." He rambled out. "You! You look nice!" He suddenly added on, like he just remembered he was supposed to say that. The first hint of nerves I had detected from him.
"Thank you!" I smiled, nervously as I took a probably too big a sip of wine.
"So, uh, how… was… your… week?" Spencer asked, drawing out the sentence like he was unsure of even asking it. I blinked at him probably a dozen times.
"I- fine. It was fine." I responded, feeling confused and slightly frustrated, but mostly flustered. We looked at each other silently again after that, seemingly mutually unsure of how to proceed. The tension between us was so thick the waiter dropped some bread in front of us, discreetly walking away without even asking us about anything.
"Please eat some of that." Spencer finally broke the silence, pushing the bread bowl closer to me. "I suspect you're going to drink a lot of wine during this conversation, so you should really line your stomach." I should probably have found that assertion insulting in some way, but I found myself too endeared by his concern and too turned on by the command – because despite the please, it wasn't a request – to find it in me. I picked up a roll and started picking pieces off it to force myself to eat, even though my stomach was in too many knots to really be hungry. "So, what questions do you have for me?" Spencer asked as I was mid-sip of wine, causing me to cough into my glass slightly. "I'm sorry if that was too blunt, easing into didn't really seem to be working." He insisted. Well, he was right.
"Okay!" I chuckled out, "Okay, sure." I stumbled out as I pulled my little notebook from my purse.
"You wrote them down?" Spencer asked, like it was the craziest thing he'd ever seen.
"Well we don't all have perfect recall and well organized thoughts, Professor Reid." I shot back. "Okay, let's start light," I began before Spencer cut me off.
"Wait." He insisted. "In an effort to maintain clarity let's make this a back and forth. You ask me one, I'll ask you one." He finished, a small smile on his face. I smiled back. Oh! We can make it a game! What a clever way to make it all less scary.
"Okay then, but we have to promise we're both going to tell the truth, deal?" I responded.
"Deal." Professor Reid agreed, punctuating with a nod.
"Well, like I said, let's start with low stakes," I replied. "How long have you wanted to fuck me?" I asked. Not the question I had planned on starting with, but if we're gamifying the conversation I might as well have fun for a minute.
"Wanted to? Since the second week of class when you insisted I biased in my grading of your paper. But that wasn't when I had any interest in pursuing it." He responded back fast, like he had been ready with the answer. For that long? He had been imagining doing those things to me the whole time? I felt my head start to rush before it caught up to the second statement.
"Interest in pursuing? Wha- when-" I started to try to follow up but was cut off.
"Ah! It's my turn. I thought you were good at following rules." Spencer interrupted me, effectively silencing me with his retort. I see now. This was a game that could be won or lost, not just played. "When did you decide you were going to pursue your attraction to me? Was it before our meetings started or after our fight at my apartment?" He asked.
"Neither," I responded, somewhat indignantly, "I– It was a crush. It was a schoolgirl crush. I never intended to actually try and act out some cheesy porno. But then we were there and you were saying all those things about your feelings and I was caught up in the moment." I finished, hoping that was a satisfying answer. Spencer leaned back in his seat slightly with a nod that told me he accepted my answer, and that he was contemplating it carefully. "My turn." I reminded him. "Same question."
Spencer smiled slightly before looking down at his hands on the table. That was when the waiter re-appeared, re-filling my empty glass of wine and inquiring about our orders. "I'll take a medium rare filet with a side salad." Spencer responded without taking his eyes off his hands.
"Same, please." I told him looking up and smiling, hoping to break the tension somewhat. "Thank you."
"Of course ma'am." The waiter replied before walking away again.
"Well, go on!" I reminded Spencer, prompting him to look back up at me.
"I realized that my lustful interest in you went beyond a base but ignorable sexual attraction the night you let me read part of your thesis." He responded, his voice almost apologetic. "It had been building for a few weeks, but something about seeing you so lit up about that subject in specific. I couldn't really ignore my interest anymore, and then you had that whole mishap with the party and my apartment. And, truthfully, I didn't know what I was going to do until you showed up at my office on Tuesday." Every word out of Spencer's mouth dripped with earnestness. I could feel the fun part of this veering away. "Okay! My turn!" Spencer said, up turning his voice slightly. "If you were just 'caught up in the moment' why did you come back to my office after class again?" He asked. I was somewhat stunned by the question.
"I never said 'just'," I responded, flatly. Annoyed by the implications of the question. "And besides, you hadn't made me cum yet." I shot out, my irritation clear in my tone.
"You said we'd tell the truth." Spencer responded, clearly unhappy with my non-answer.
"Well none of that was a lie." I countered. Game time was over, I wanted my real answers now. If he wanted emotional vulnerability from me here, he was going to have to give it. "My turn. What do you want from me? What is our relationship now?" Spencer's face dropped slightly before settling back into a more serious mode. "What are we doing, Spencer?"
"I have complicated and very strong feelings for you, Rose." He responded, his eyes locked on mine. "I'm not… built for relationships, I've learned. When people get close to me they don't really stick around. And I'm definitely not built for a relationship as complicated as this one would be. But I think I might need you too much to just stay away from you now." He finished, boring his eyes into me stronger than he ever had before. "Same question."
I took a deep steady breath, "Same answer." I replied. We sat in silence again, looking at each other, now with more understanding as our food arrived at the table. "Let's keep uncomplicated for now." I finally offered. "Sex and studying and talking, and we can revisit whatever else after the semester."
"This is a bad idea, Rose." Spencer replied, pleading with his eyes, as if he wanted me to shut it down because he couldn't. "This could ruin both of us, you realize that? The academic world is already hard on women, if it ever got out you were sleeping with a professor they won't let you live it down."
"That line is crossed already, Professor." I told him, holding his pleading gaze with an apologetic one, because I couldn't shut this down either. For now, we were stuck with each other. Spencer took a long and thoughtful sip of his bourbon, before taking a deep breath and looking back up at me.
"Okay… uncomplicated." He agreed, a smile finally breaking through onto his face. "How's the thesis work going? Any progress since last week?" He asked me, his tone snapping back to normal, a laugh fell out of my mouth as a big smile broke across my face. Uncomplicated, we could do that.
"Not as much as I would like, midterms coming up, you know, they take up most of my time." I responded. We carried on like that for fourty or so more minutes while we ate dinner, discussing all my upcoming midterms except his – got to keep it fair and all that – when the waiter returned. "Would either of you care for dessert tonight?" he inquired.
"No, thank you!" Spencer replied politely. "I've got dessert at home." He finished after turning to look at me.