AN: I'm not totally sold on that title right now, but its almost 5am as I'm typing this, so I'll mull it over when I have more brain things available.
Anyway, I intended to work on one of my existing stories. Or maybe on the half-finished thing I've been poking at for a few months now, but you may have noticed that the stuff I write tends to be strongly influenced by whatever media I happen to be indulging in at that point. And I've been playing a lot of Age of Mythology: Retold for about a week now. And this has been bubbling in my head for a lot of that time. It's another thing where I don't have a long-term plan for it, just kind of a "hey, wouldn't it be funny if..." kind of thing. So just bear with it and indulge me if you're so inclined.
And on the subject of Loud House stuff that's Greek mythology adjacent, I guess I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that there's a fic on AO3 called Loud Gods which claims inspiration from Archetypal and Stupor Heroics. And I've found it to be a pretty fun read so far. So I guess also check that out if you're so inclined.
"Fighting old battles again, Lincoln?"
Words spoken with the sweetness of honey roused the young man from his slumber. With a groan, Lincoln pulled himself into a sitting position, rubbed his eyes, and peered into the darkness, searching for the source of the disturbance.
Even the bleariness of his vision did nothing to diminish the divine beauty of the blonde woman peering down at him from his bedside. With her coquettish smile, statuesque height, and the way her extremely fashionable toga clung to her luscious curves, most mortals would be reduced to simpering fanatics simply from dallying in her mere presence…
"Please tell me I'm dreaming," Lincoln deadpanned, giving his eyes another rub.
...but Lincoln wasn't most mortals. And this wasn't his first time doing this dance.
"Do you often dream of your goddess?" She asked, fluttering her eyelashes at him flirtatiously.
"No," He replied, sighing. "But that's never stopped you from barging into them, so it's honestly hard to tell. Kinda reminds me of this thing a philosopher tried to explain to me, something about a man and a butterfly…"
"Does this look like a dream to you?" She asked, imperiously. Immediately her body began to expand outward, quickly reaching double her original size, rapidly verging on triple-—
WHAM
—which immediately ceased as her head slammed into his roof, causing her to cry out in outrage.
"That's why I would have preferred the dream," Lincoln muttered to himself, before waving at the towering blonde. "Alright, Lori, you've got my attention."
"That should be a given," Lori grumbled, her voice echoing in Lincoln's suddenly much smaller home. Exhaling in frustration, the goddess began to shrink, her divine form reducing about 30% in size, leaving her tall enough to comfortably loom over him while still clearing the ceiling. Seemingly satisfied, Lori snapped her fingers, conjuring an opulent throne into existence with a dazzling flash of golden light.
"Why must things always be so difficult with you?" She asked, rhetorically, as she sat down upon her throne. "If you lived at the temple like Chosen are supposed to, then I wouldn't have to debase myself visiting this…"
She sniffed disdainfully.
"Hovel," She continued, frowning as she peered around Lincoln's extremely humble home. "And I'd have the head space I need to properly exhibit my magnificence."
"The beds are uncomfortable, and you have supplicants worshiping round the clock," Lincoln responded, as he always did. "So I'd get even less sleep living there. Not to mention, they get...weird when they see us together."
"That's called deference," Lori replied, rolling her eyes. "It comes with being my earthly representative. And honestly, you could stand to learn some of that yourself. I keep the harvest plentiful, the forest and sea rich with bounty, and I keep the sun and moon coming out at the appropriate times each day. You should be grateful I'm as dedicated to my job as I am."
"We have a pantheon," Lincoln deadpanned, as he began counting off on his fingers. "And that's Leni's domain, Lana's domain, and in our belief system it's not so much the sun and moon changing places so much as it is Lucy draping her cloak of night across the —"
"What are you, a theologian now?" Lori grumbled. "I delegate. The fact that the work gets done means that I'm doing my job."
"...Fair point," Lincoln said, trying to sound like he meant it. "Anyway, what need does the goddess have of me?"
"Better," Lori sniffed, conjuring a golden goblet into her hand, which she began to drink from. "The goddess has need of her Chosen, obviously. It's time for you to take up your spear and defend the realm once more."
In an instant, all traces of weariness fled Lincoln. That got his attention.
"From what?" He asked, sitting up a little straighter. "Is there going to be another war?"
"Of a...sort," Lori replied, gesturing vaguely. "To the east, an army is being raised, and I have it on good authority that there is much...evil...involved. Naturally, for the good of our people, I need you to go forth and meet it."
"To the...east?" Lincoln frowned thoughtfully. "But that's our border with…"
His eyes narrowed, and Lori's grew noticeably more rigid.
"...This wouldn't have anything to do with the Pingrey Sect, would it?" He asked, suspiciously.
"Not sure what you mean by that," Lori replied, taking a long sip from her goblet.
"Well, it's just that when I was in town the other day, the criers were bursting with news about how rapidly the Sect has been growing. In a matter of months, they've gone from a small settlement to a full-on city. And the faith has apparently gotten really popular with supplicants who have a thing for blondes. To the point where our numbers are starting to dip—"
"She's not even a real goddess!" Lori snarled, her eyes flashing with anger. "She ascended. I mean, who even does that?"
"Someone who distinguishes themselves with valorous deeds and heroic feats," Lincoln replied. "And Carol deserved it. During the war, she saved my butt so many times I've honestly lost count. Without her taking point, I don't think we would have held the line at the end."
"But she's taking my followers!" Lori whined, pulling a small stone tablet from within the folds of her clothes, and holding it out for him to see. "Just look at this!"
Lincoln grimaced as he peered at the small surface. Swifty Tab was a recent innovation, and somewhat beyond him. He honestly didn't see the appeal in loudly proclaiming one's godly allegiance in person, let alone to thousands of random people across the land, and this quick peak into the insanity that transpired across the magical network every day only reaffirmed his feelings. But even his untrained eyes were able to pick out the comparative display of Lori and Carol's respective statuses amid the chaotic flow of information. And while Lori still had the advantage, Carol's numbers were extremely impressive given how new her faith was.
Even so…
"I'm not leading the army against the Carolites," He said, handing back the tablet.
"But you're my Chosen!"
"You can't start a war against a budding faith just because they might be more popular than you!" Lincoln retorted. "Well...I mean, you can, and people have, but you shouldn't!"
"Rebellion," Lori said, scornfully as she sunk into her chair. "And after I gave you my mark of favor!"
"You mean the thing that makes it way easier to pick me out in a crowd?" Lincoln asked, absentmindedly brushing his snow-white hair with one hand. "Yeah, that's super handy on a battlefield."
"It makes you look distinguished!" Lori snapped. She sighed, and her features began to soften.
"Please, Linky?" She said. "I can't have Carol of all people beat me at my own game!"
Lincoln tried to avert his eyes, but the damage had already been done. Those damnable puppy eyes of hers had ensnared him!
"...I could take a small force," He said, begrudgingly. "Do some maneuvers, maybe poke some holes in their defenses—"
"And put the fear of Lori in them?" The goddess asked, excitedly.
"Just some bloodied noses," Lincoln corrected her. "Nobody needs to die because of this rivalry between you and Carol. Okay?"
Lincoln steeled himself as Lori's lip began to quiver. But to his surprise, the goddess exhaled sharply...and nodded.
"...Deal," She said, favoring him with a grateful smile. "Thank you, Lincoln. I don't know what I'd do without you to help me keep my head on straight."
"W-well…" He cleared his throat, trying to ignore the tinge of warmth that had begun to blossom in his cheeks. "That's...kind of my job, I guess."
"And you're soooooo good at it.." Lori purred, her eyes suddenly alighting with mischief. Lincoln had a few heartbeats to process her sudden change in demeanor before her arms lashed out and yanked him off his bed."
"L-lori!" He yelped, as the goddess hugged him tightly to her chest. "Leggo! I—!"
"Need your rest, right?" She asked, peering down at him as she cradled his face against her bosom. "I'm going to help you with that."
"...How?" Lincoln asked, warily.
"You were complaining about the temple beds," She replied, her lips curling into a smirk. "Well for your information, there's a bed of unparalleled softness and comfort, which I'm willing to let you use."
"Really? Where?"
"In the inner sanctum," Lori replied, lowering her head toward his. "Where only those I deem worthy may enter. Which is surrounded by nice...thick...walls…"
"H-how thick?"
"They're completely... soundproof…" Lori whispered, brushing her lips across his cheek. "Nothing getting in...or out…"
"T-that sounds...nice…"
"I thought it might," Lori said smugly as she climbed to her feet, not bothering to put Lincoln down.
"Just for clarification," He added, "I'm actually going to get to sleep...right?"
"Of course," Lori replied, lifting him up to her face and pressing her lips to his in a short, but intense kiss. "Eventually."