Interlude 34: 二部ー気: A Man's Romance. (Two Natures)
For a long time, I thought I'd never be able to see what happiness looked like. That the glass would never turn to reflect that sparkling light at me. That I was condemned to suffer for my sins and betrayals of everyone and everything I'd ever known.
And then, I met two people who changed the world for me. My oldest and dearest friend, returned from the depths of hell, who sought to change the world with 'blood and iron' in his words, to create a better reality than the one we live in. A man who refused to let me go to my death…because he loved me too much to let me go, because he would rather die himself than see me hurt myself anymore.
And his sister, a shining emblem of hope and light, someone so pure, so innocent and kind..that I to this day still don't understand how she could ever love someone as wretched and hypocritical as me. She stayed with me even after I confessed my greatest sin, that I only sought to die pointlessly and stupidly as atonement, even…even after I tried to kill myself at Kyushu.
Lelouch, Euphemia, you gave me back my life and showed me that even a person like me, with nothing to live for and no future, could believe in love and a better tomorrow.
That's why I have to do this. I have to confront Lelouch and make him explain himself, to make sure no more lies are between us, to quell the lingering doubt in my heart.
What surprised me the most was not Euphemia agreeing with me about that, but Kallen of all people.
Lying here with Euphie, just the two of us sharing each other's company..do I really deserve this kind of happiness?
"Suzaku, please, tell me what's bothering you. You have that look on your face." she whispers, her hand on my cheek, the gentle touch of her hand making me flinch. It isn't her fault, it could never be. It's not her fault that every time I look at her smile, I see a second image next to it of the last time I saw her alive-
A poke to my cheek crashes my train of thought as Euphie frowns, sitting up in bed, her hair a cascading wave of pink around her….errr…some other things are also pink…
"Suzaku, I am ordering you as your princess and the woman you love to be honest and tell me why you keep flinching and looking like, like, I don't even know what that look is, but I most certainly do not like it!" she exclaims, hugging a pillow to her naked chest as I hang my head in shame. How can I tell her? How can I say that I keep seeing her dead body in my arms after Zero killed her? What right do I have to inflict that burden upon her?
"Euphie…I..I.." my words fail me as my hands clench at the blankets around us, my courage evaporating like the morning dew on bamboo. Why? Why can't I tell her? Why am I such a worthless, pathetic, MISERABLE COWAR-!
"-zaku! Suzaku!"
A strong grip on my shoulder brings me back to reality, Kallen looking me in the eyes with concern written on her face.
"Euphie and I were calling your name for like thirty seconds, what happened?" she asks, sitting on the side of the bed, wearing her leather jacket over her black knight uniform, while Euphie sits by my side, biting her lip in worry.
After everything she went through..that I put her through..how can she stand to be near me or even care? I held her down so the Emperor could Geass her and rape her mind. Kami, I'm just as bad as that beast Bradley…
Fingers snapping in front of me drags me from my thoughts, "Hey, stay with me. I don't know where you are in your head right now, but talking about it will only help. Lelouch asked me to look after you two, and even if he hadn't, I'd still be here to help."
But why? Why do you-
The redhead lays back on the bed, closing her eyes as she speaks, "Like I said a few days ago, I know what you're going through. And nobody should go through that alone. Momo, your old man is a sick evil bastard, and I'm not sorry for saying it. You guys helped me when I was being an absolute bitch to everyone after I got my memories back, can't really call myself a knight for justice if I don't pay that forward."
Hot tears spill down my eyes, shoulders quaking at the kindness being shown, kindness I don't deserve.
"But you were a victim, you did nothing wrong, and I'm the one who..who..helped the emperor rape you just as much as Bradley did! I held your eyes open so he could inflict that curse upon you, and I did it gladly! I'm a monster who didn't care about anything except avenging myself upon the man I loved for a crime he never committed! I should have let you kill me in the skies of Tokyo!" I scream out, eyes wide in fear and panic-
smack!*
A sharp pain on my cheek pulls me up short as Euphemia pulls her hand back from where it struck my cheek, an expression on her face that I've almost never seen before.
Raw, unadulterated, furious, outrage.
"Suzaku! You will apologize immediately for that horrific thing you just said! How can you say that she should have killed you?! Kallen was the one who wanted to save you, even if it endangered her own life in trying to do so! I put my faith in her to bring you back, just as I put it in you to never harm me!" she shrieks, tears raining down her cheeks as her lip quivers before she holds her hands to her face sobbing.
Oh no, I made Euphie cry again. Why do I always make her so unhappy-
"Oh to hell with this. C'mere, both of you," Kallen grouses, pulling both of us in for a hug with a firm grip on our sides, my train of thought thrown off by the suddenness of the motion and Euphie's crying stopping by sheer surprise.
"Suzaku. I forgive you."
何？！ (What?!)
Before I can get a word in edgewise, she keeps speaking, "You annoy the hell out of sometimes, you're as big a hypocrite as Lelouch, and sometimes your self righteous attitude makes me want to punch you. But you're also a good guy, a better guy than most people I know. I know damn well that if that you had known the truth, and hadn't had the emperor fucking up your head, you'd have tried to fight him and Lulu's mom right then and there to stop it. I fucking dare you to tell me I'm wrong."
That's…
"You did help him geass me, and that was a vile thing to do. But geass makes people do fucked up things that they wouldn't do normally, Mr. 'I'm going to smash my head open with a rock because my best friend made me be emotionally honest', and that's not me mocking you. That's me emphasizing how utterly fucking BATSHIT all of this is, argh!" She growls, hugging us both tighter and taking a deep breath to calm down.
After a second of catching her breath, she continues, "Sorry, it's hard not to get frustrated dealing with this….oh." she exclaims, blinking as she pauses.
"What's wrong?" "Nothing. I just realized why Lelouch smokes so much now, kind of a surreal moment."
Ha. Hahaha…
Laughter, honest, clear, and life affirming laughter bubbles out of me at the thought she just expressed. It's not the right time or place to laugh, but somehow, I can't help it. Even Euphie is giggling right now, her tears forgotten.
"And you Momo, lay off the guy. If he's going through any of what I went through, he's probably still dealing with having a second set of memories telling him…oh shit."
Her head turns to look at me, a light of understanding in her eyes, "That's why you're spacing the fuck out, isn't it? You keep seeing something from the other memories and you can't reconcile what's real."
Part of me is glad that someone realized what I'm going through. The other part is terrified of having to explain which memories I'm seeing…
Euphemia chooses this moment to turn away and mutter something quietly, which I can't hear, but Kallen clearly did, given that she just sighed and lets us go, sitting down on the bed.
"Say it out loud, Momo. You're probably right, but he needs to hear it."
The pink of her hair waves back and forth as she shakes her head in refusal. Oh no, did she realize-
"Fine. I'll do it. The thing you're seeing, is it what happened to Euphie in your other memories?" she proclaims, causing me to go white with fear at the idea of elaborating on that day. Even if it didn't happen, even if it was a lie concocted by Lelouch's father…the pain and misery of it was all too real. And the gnawing fear that I could be the cause of something happening to Euphemia haunts me day and night..
Instantly a whirl of pink and softness embraces me, Euphemia's violet eyes wet with tears as she expresses herself, "Please, Suzaku, you have to tell us. You can't keep it buried inside, I want the man I love to be able to talk to me about whatever is hurting him, not bury himself in misery. Whatever it is, I won't run away. I'll always be here for you"
Euphie...you're too good for a world as rotten and corrupt as this one.
"I saw..it was a memory of the SAZ. But it wasn't what happened that day, when Zero came and broke the idea of the SAZ over his back. This time….he stabbed Euphemia with a sword and threw her to a mob after telling them to tear her apart."
This time not only Euphie, but Kallen embrace me in their arms, the redhead hugging me from behind and shaking her head in refusal.
"Suzaku…have you talked to anyone about this?" "No, just you two."
"Is that why you're avoiding Lelouch?"
Euphie's question makes me blink in surprise, the thought of it only just having occurred to me. Am I avoiding him? Was the memory of what I thought happened so strong that it made me averse to his presence..maybe it is.
Kallen pipes up, "You need to go have it out with him. This thing you're dealing with isn't gonna go away, and you can't keep bottling it up and repressing. Figured that one the hard way when I did it…" she trails off, looking away with shame.
Euphie takes the opportunity to pout and pipe up, "No more of that. I want the people I care about to stop hurting themselves too, Miss Kozuki-Stadfeld. And that includes you."
The fact that Euphie's statement causes both of us to blush says everything about how much influence she has. Some people would call this 'being whipped' I think?
"There's another reason you need to talk to Lelouch, there's a lot of things he didn't explain until recently, and much as I'd say you don't need to hear more about bullshit involving his and Euphie's insane family, this is actually important," Kallen says with a heavy sigh.
Family…oh. That's right. I do have questions for him that I need to have answered, "Like why his mother is still alive..sort of?" I reply, causing Kallen to flinch at the reminder.
"Would you believe it if I said that was the tip of the god damn iceberg?" "Unfortunately yes."
Lelouch's habit of concealing things even for our supposed own good has got to stop. All it's done is infuriate everyone around him, and make us worried about if/when we hit the point that my friend finally has a nervous breakdown from all the weight he's trying to carry on his shoulders.
As much as he irritates and provokes me, he wouldn't be the man I love otherwise. So I have to do this, there should only be truth between us.
"Suzaku..I agree with Kallen," Euphie whispers after taking a deep breath, which causes Kallen and I both to turn to her in surprise.
Euphemia blinks at being put on the spot, looking indignant, "Why shouldn't I agree with two of my lovers on this matter? Lelouch needs help, even if and especially if he's far too stubborn and foolhardy to realize it. Millicent has already chastised him to be more open and communicative for this once, we just need to pound the lesson into his oversized head."
Heh. Heh heh heh.
A small laugh escapes my lips as a very funny and absurd thought occurs to me at what she said.
"What?" "Nothing, I just had a funny image in my head about that. Imagine Euphie picking up a giant hammer and pounding Lulu by hammering his giant head into the ground like he was a stake being pushed into the earth."
Kallen's eyes bug out momentarily at the cartoonish image I just mentioned before collapsing in a fit of laughter. Meanwhile Euphie covers her mouth to try and hold back her giggling to try and maintain some dignity. Not that I think she needs to.
Even naked and having a fit of the giggles, she's still as radiant as the sun rising from the east to greet the new day.
Kallen, Euphie, thank you. Please, my friends, give me the strength to deal with whatever insanity Lelouch is going to inflict on me again.
As I look ahead, I notice my friend's better half leaning against the wall, playing on her phone and looking utterly bored. Though, calling her his better half is kind of a stretch considering she's just bad as he is sometimes.
Coughing to announce myself, the witch looks up, shutting off her phone and pocketing it as her face shifts to…huh, that's not her normal smirk. That almost looks like..she's smiling at me?
"Feeling better, Suzaku?"
People keep asking me that question, and I still don't have a good answer.
"I guess? It still feels like I'm waking up from a nightmare sometimes, and I…I don't know which part is scarier. Being the Knight of Seven and the slave of Charles zi Britannia, or being trapped in my own mind and doing all those horrible things-"
?!
My train of thought gets short-circuited by a pair of soft lips touching mine and her arms holding me like…like when my mother held me when I was a child…before…
"You've been through something horrifying, if you did say you were fine, then we'd be a great deal more worried about you. Honestly, still being out of sorts is far healthier than trying to repress it like Kallen did in your situation, or sinking into negativity and rage like Lelouch did when he found out what happened to the two of you," she whispers, rubbing my back as I blink in confusion at the mixed feelings I have about CC being maternal.
It's not that she's bad at it, it's just..
"Please don't be insulted, but your being motherly to me is…" I pause mid sentence trying to figure out how to say this without being rude.
"Weird? Haha, don't worry, I understand. Someone as aloof and troublesome as me being so caring sounds strange, even to me. Personally, I blame being around all of you people for making me feel this way," she quips with a roll of her eyes and a knowing smirk as she lets the hug go..
Being around us? I don't understand.
"What do you mean? How did we change you? Isn't Lelouch the reason you're here?" I ask, only for her to shake her head in the negative as her finger cup my chin gently, a blush breaking out on my cheeks at the close quarters.
"You know you're adorably cute when you look clueless, Suzu~," the green haired woman purrs, batting her eyes at me as my blush intensifies, for reasons I don't really understand. Kami, I've had sex with her and Lelouch at the same time, how is she still able to get to me like this?!
Swallowing my saliva, my mouth opens to ask her to please stop teasing me, only for her to interrupt me with a finger on my lips.
CC's golden gaze is usually detached, amused, watching, not this. One could call this loving and kind..
"Let me finish. Yes, I was just here for Lelouch initially as part of my contract with him. However, this little harem, entourage, polycule etc around him? I found myself growing fond of all of you, in spite of my cold and rotten witch's heart. And with time, that fondness turned to something more. Is it so strange that I'm as greedy for affection as my husband, boya?" she titters, eyes half lidded in a way that set my heart racing…and something else too.
Maybe it's growing up in Japan and never really being part of Britannian culture, but the idea of being with multiple people, of not having to choose who I give my heart to…it's overwhelming.
"I…why would you want to, I mean, you're domineering, seductive, charming, why would you want..someone like me-" "And what pray tell, is wrong with you that I should feel slighted or want to reject you in any fashion?"
CC arches an eyebrow up, hand on her hips, her expression daring me to contradict her. Part of me wants to protest, to say that someone like her wouldn't have any interest in me if not for Lelouch. Another part…another part is wondering what she's going to say.
"You think Lelouch is my only reason for liking you? Your stallion sized penis aside, you have quite a few other admirable traits, Suzaku Kururugi. Being a true example of a knight in this era, one which in few emblems of ancient chivalry remain, that is rare enough. A man who holds to kindness, forgiveness, and a genuine belief in mankind's better nature even after the torments visited upon him?"
A chuckle passes her lips as she crosses her arms, one hand tapping her cheek, "You boys are both idiots who only see the worst parts of yourselves and think the world should scorn you for your deeds without seeing why you should be lauded in turn. If my husband is the man who can conquer the world to reshape it, then you, my second husband to be, is the man who can ensure that the new shape of the world is one that won't fall prey to the same cruelties and depravities of this one."
Wait what did she just call-
"Now, get your cute ass in there and have it out with Zero. You're going to hate everything he has to tell you, but hopefully you two won't hurt each other too much this time. And if it's any consolation, he feels just as miserable telling you as you're going to be hearing it," she proclaims, giving me a kiss on the cheek and a smack on the ass to push me towards the door.
At this point, it's probably better to just give up trying to understand women.
The security door opens, the steel of the Arcadia replaced by wooden panels and tatami mats to my surprise. Upon touching the wood, it's obvious that it's fake, but the material is a good fake at least, I couldn't tell that it wasn't real from a distance.
"出て来い、スザク。(Come forth, Suzaku.) a familiar electronic voice speaks that sends a chill down my spine.
No, no. It isn't him.
The door clicks and locks behind me as I enter, Zero standing in the center of the dojo, his cloak hiding his body as the accursed mask glints in the lights around us on the wall.
"Let me begin by apologizing. Most of this should have been told to you before…everything happened."
My eyebrow raises at that sentence, "Most?" I say scathingly with a glare at my masked friend, who visibly winces at the reprimand.
"In my defense, this is going to sound extremely unbelievable. Even Kallen cried bullshit when I told her after she got back," he says with a resigned sigh.
The fact that my expression has not changed from glaring at him is enough of a warning that I am not in the mood for his usual sneaky wordplay or justifications.
"Fucking…fine. Don't say I didn't warn you though."
….何。(What.)
"And that covers my father's insane plans, my asshole goblin uncle, and why my mother is still around. Let's move onto the other bastard on my shit list, my brother Schneizel and his insane plans," he grouses, rubbing the front of his mask.
What. The. Hell.
"Oh and it gets better. Thanks to that fat fuck Maharajah back in India, he's got access to the Shen-Hu's designs, so he not only knows I'm back, but he's clearly preparing something to thwart my god damn plans to save this stupid planet from itself, ARGH!" he snarls, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration.
な-な-な-何。 (w-w-w-what.)
Zero walks over to me as I clench my fists in anger, an angry frown on my face at how much he kept from me, how much he lied about.
"Lelouch…" "Suzaku?"
A gasp of air is the next thing out of his mouth as my fist hits his solar plexus with a jab.
Red eyes blink from behind his mask as he coughs, my finger pointing at him, "How can you be so nonchalant about this?! You lied to us, you've been lying to all of us this entire time! Ever since this war started you've been lying to us!"
His cape whirls around him as he gets to his feet, "Now wait just a god damned minute. When did I lie about any of this? I've been completely honest from the get go-gah!"
The arrogant self justification coming from him makes me jab him again to make him listen.
"No, Lelouch. I know you. I know when you're lying, I can tell even through that mask of yours. When did you actually know about all of this? Tell me that so we can set the record straight about who's lying here," I protest, feeling angrier than I've been in days at this moment.
Zero breathes out slowly as he answers, "Not too long after I met CC. I got the story out of her over time, with some parts being confirmed later by intelligence work from Reid, Laila, and other sources." "In other words, before the first siege of Tokyo happened for most of it."
He pauses to consider my words, "...for most of it, yes, why?"
高慢 貴様！！(Arrogant Bastard!)
"So you put all of us in danger during the first siege for nothing?! You endangered Nunnally, Milly, even Euphemia, all because you couldn't just talk to Cornelia?! For what, so you could vent your grudge against her for being a lousy older sister?! YOU SELF RIGHTEOUS SCUMBAG!" I yell out, my voice rising in volume as I snarl at how unrepentant he's being for his clearly despicable behavior.
Zero pokes me in the chest as he starts yelling back, "Oh big talk from mr. "there has to be a way to fix Britnania without violence" ! You know god damn well what Cornelia is like, you think she'd have listened to me trying to explain even a tenth of what I just told you before choosing not to believe it?! 'The Witch of Britannia' was the very essence of a loyal and dedicated general. It took god knows how long working with us before she finally realized how far up her own ass she'd been! And all of that was only because Euphemia and Nunnally both browbeat her into acting better! So get the fuck over yourself, knight of seven!"
おのれ、ぜろ！！ (Damn you, Zero!)
"You conceited egotist! What gives you the right to claim your ambition to take over the world is the best way to create a better world?!" "Because the alternative is LITERALLY THE END OF THE WORLD! OR WERE YOU NOT LISTENING WHEN I EXPLAINED RAGNAROK?!"
Ragnarok, Kami, I can't even begin to understand what the emperor was thinking with a deranged concept…wait! He's trying to change the subject!
Shaking my head to get the distraction out of it, I grab the collar of Zero's cloak, "And that is supposed to justify everything you've done?! This insane idea of your father's?! He's not your only enemy, what will you do when he's defeated? Will you fight the entire world to make them kneel to you, 魔王さま？！" (Demon King?!)
My masked friend shakes in my grip, his shoulders quivering in…Kami damn you, Lelouch. What's so funny?!
"Why are you laughing?!"
Zero's head tilts, red eyes blinking as he stops laughing for a moment, "Why, I'm laughing at how naive and innocent you are, even after what my father did to you. It's as refreshing as it is infuriating. Do you truly believe 'blood and iron' won't be the force that changes the world?"
Blood and iron, blood and iron, just the same thing as he was saying back in Japan. I should have known better, he hasn't changed at all. That means it's up to me, I have to make him see, make him see that he's going too far, that a world ruled by fear of the Demon King..won't be any better than Britannia no matter what his intentions are.
"Zero, you truly intend to conquer the world?" I ask him softly, disbelief written plainly on my face at what he just said.
Stepping back, he furls his cape around one hand, the other reaching up with his palm upturned, fingers clawing around an invisible object in his hand…no, a globe.
Zero's red eyes flare as he speaks, "Of course! I made no secret of the Divine Ambition being my goal, nor did I lie about it. Twas you who maintained a false narrative in your own mind to assuage your own guilt and mixed feelings about helping me. Thus, you convinced yourself that surely such was not my design."
That's-!
"Sorry to disappoint, but you were wrong. Blood and Iron is needed to change the shape of the world. While I can and will minimize the cost wherever possible, it is a price that must be paid one way or the other. What happened to that honesty- ahh. The effects of that geass vanished as well?"
My fists tighten as the memory of geass, both his, and his father's. Geass is a vile and insidious thing, one I wish he'd never gotten involved in, regardless of whether it ended up saving my life. Such a thing shouldn't exist in this world.
"Then what makes you different from your father, Lelouch? Because you truly seem like your father's son at this moment."
There is a pause, a moment in frozen in time, where neither of us moves, me from the pain of what I said, and him from the shock of hearing it.
The cloak drops to drape along his shoulders, his red eyes closing, "And you yours. Because you sound just like Genbu Kururugi. A coward only concerned with his own self satisfaction. I'm disappointed that you'd sink so low, 死ざく。" (Deathzaku.)
おのれ-！！ (You-!)
My entire body braces, eyes narrowing, muscles tensing, heart hardening at the cruel condemnation the man I thought was my oldest friend has just thrown at me.
"Cruel to be kind, that's what you said, wasn't it? Then maybe I need to bring you to heel before.."
Zero scoff, waving dismissively, "Before what? Before I do something unforgivable? Before I suffer an ignominious defeat? Do tell me what I haven't already endured that could be worse, Suzu, I'm dying to know."
My hands rise to my chest as I crack my knuckles, realizing now that trying to reason with him was a mistake, that I should have brought this devil to his knees long before this.
"If you can't understand why someone would think you've gone too far and that you need to stop and take a hard look at yourself, there's no use explaining it. さあ、くい、 ぜろ。" (Here I come, Zero)
Right fist rushing forward like a rocket-no, he dodged?! Fire Wheel combination, left fist, right leg, left fist, right leg. Unbelievably, as I throw each attack, Zero is able to move out of the way of the strikes, even if just barely, finally countering with a palm strike to my chest that forces me to step back, eyes wide in astonishment. How?!
When did he get so good at fighting?! When did he get so fast?!
"It seems the arrogance you accuse me of is also on your end. You should have looked into the full extent of my cybernetic enhancements and what I'd done with them. IF you had?!" he finishes by launching a thrust kick at me, my forearms blocking the strike as he dashes over to the side of the Dojo walls to grab two bokken.
"You'd know that I was able to fight against the Cyborg Kewell Soresi! Engarde, Suzaku Kururugi, no, Deathzaku! White Death that stalks the skies!" he proclaims, grinding the heavy white oak blades together, red eyes flaring behind his mask, the background of the dojo behind him interspersed with a very different scene from a lie forced upon not too long ago..
"Then, let us meet on the field of battle, Lancelot in Mourning. And let Destiny itself decide who shall triumph. But for now? I have a war to enact in earnest! 天下布武！" (TENKA FUBU!)
It's the same…he's going the same way..I have to…I have to..
I have to stop him before he becomes a demon!
"行くぜ、大六天魔王！！" (Here I come, Demon King of The Sixth Heaven!) I bellow out as I launch into the Kururu Kick, legs slashing through the air as Zero barely evades by falling backwards onto his back, quickly rolling back to his feet as I grab a bokken of my own from the wall to face him on even terms.
Zero strikes first with a lunge towards my chest using his left blade, which I parry to the side, quickly moving to block the right blade slashing at my arm.
"Stubborn little shit!" he snarls, hopping backwards to avoid my shoulder high thrust, a defensive swipe at my ribs with his right sword barely grazing me, the two of us stalking around each other, looking for an opening. One I don't intend to give him as I try to sweep his legs out from under him-he stepped over it?! How is he reacting so quickly?!
"It doesn't matter what you think! I have to keep fighting, I have to save-!" "Spare me your hypocritical moralizing! Against enemies like my father, my uncle, my mother, and my brother, it's worse than useless! It's foolhardy and suicidal! But then you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?!" we scream at each other, swords clashing rapidly, Zero impossibly keeping up with my blows as the battle intensifies. A diagonal slash uppercut from his right blade slams into my guard, both bokken shattering from the impact, wood splinters flying everywhere.
Zero's cape flies towards my face, temporarily blinding me as the heavy fabric obscures my vision for a moment as I pull it out of the way. Something Zero took full advantage of in order to grab a replacement bokken from the wall and resume the battle, jumping to strike me as he brings both blades down in a helm splitter.
"You have no idea how much it broke my heart to do that to Euphemia at the SAZ! How much I tried to find another way! But there isn't one! I know my way is the only way that breaks the cycle of madness that entraps this world!" he exclaims as I repel his attack, forcing him backwards, following up with the Kururu Kick once again to force him on the defensive. It's obvious now he's fast enough that we're close to evenly matched, so I won't be able to hit him with the kick unless I can break his guard or stun him….I have no choice.
I have to fight hard enough to hurt him. Anything to prevent him from becoming that Zero.
Lowering my stance to a horse stance, I spring forward, using a rapid series of thrusts aimed at his sternum to press my advantage, "How do you know that Euphie and I were wrong?! You didn't even try to find another way! You swore to obliterate Britannia eight years ago, isn't this entire war just you carrying on your hatred from when you were a child?! A world ruled by hatred is exactly what we're trying to change!"
Sternum, collarbone, ribs, forearms, each thrust is aimed to disable and incapacitate, my frustration and anger at his dismissal and raging ego boiling in my chest, the vile laughter of the other Zero from my nightmares cruelly mocking me for my failures, my weaknesses, my inability to protect the ones I love. I won't let it, I can't let it, it will NOT be like that!
"Naive bleeding heart idealism! This isn't a fairy tale world, and you are not the princely white knight who saves the kingdom! The evils that hold this world in their grasp have many heads, and your way would see them slither away without being vanquished! I will kill my father, because he has more than earned his demise, and because Justice demands recompense for his negligence, his apathy, and his brutality towards those beneath him! AND NOT EVEN YOU CAN STOP ME, SUZAKU!" he shrieks in fury, his left and right bokken both parrying my thrust to the right, followed by a hammer blow of a horizontal double slash under my left arm making me grit my teeth in pain as I feel my ribs ache. A pain I repay in kind by a straight punch to the chest, causing his armor to dent as we both stop momentarily to catch our breath.
"I..have a war to enact in earnest. And you will not deny me. Tenka. FUBU!" he growls, standing back, slowly advancing, his eyes shining a baleful crimson as his words cause me to freeze in horror.
"I have a war to enact in earnest! 天下布武！" (TENKA FUBU!)
No…no…NO!
"NOOO!" My piercing cry erupts as I explode into motion, panic and adrenaline giving me new strength as I strike at him, his blades in a crossguard blocking my overhead strike, the force of it driving him back as I slash relentlessly at him.
Breathing hard, my steps carry me forward, his steps moving backwards, the difference in our skills negligible as I push myself harder to overcome his reactions. I can't lose, not here! That demon cannot be born in this world!
"Will you let your war burn everything away?! Will you let it burn away the ones you love?! What will it take to make you see how wrong you've become?! Would you kill Euphie by your own hand if it gained you the world?!"
Gah! Stars swarm over my eyes as a fierce headbutt from his mask strikes me in the forehead, "HOW DARE YOU!"
Shaking off the strike in an instant, I raise my guard up just in time to hold off his swinging both blades at my head, his deep voice bellowing in outrage in my face.
"HOW DARE YOU THINK I WOULD EVER HARM HER?! IS THERE NO LIMIT TO YOUR BLINDNESS AND RANK IDIOCY?!" he howls at me, the eyepiece of his mask opening, left eye glaring directly at me, the blood like glow reminiscent of his geass.
"Would you use your geass to silence me and your own conscience?!" I yell back at him in response, both our bokken grinding against each other-wait, an opening!
"No…No…" he whispers, his guard dropping a fraction as I clock him across the jaw with the hilt of my blade, sending him sprawling to the ground as I raise up my weapon to strike him down, to stop this evil masquerading as my best friend from doing anymore harm to-!
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screams in a horrified tone grasping the sides of his mask in panic, shaking in fear as I stop with my bokken over my head, ice in my veins as the realization of what I was about to do finally hits me.
I…I almost…I almost killed him. I could have…shattered his mask and…broken his skull if I'd hit him full force…what….what did I almost do?!
Wood clatters to the floor as I drop to my hands and knees, hyperventilating, sweat pouring off my face onto the tatami. And Zero is still screaming, the sound reverberating off the walls as I try to regain my equilibrium. I have to do something!
"Lelouch! I'm here! Listen to me!" I call out to him, crawling over when he doesn't respond, my arms shaking his shoulders to get his attention. Damnit, he's not hearing me, he must be in shock. But why? What did I do that frightened him so much…?
Nevermind that, figure it out later. Helping him is more important than wasting time thinking about what's in his head! My fingers fiddle with the mechanism on the back of his mask, trying to loosen it enough to get it off him. If I have to, I'll rip the stupid piece of metal in half-got it! My right arm holds him around the waist as my left pulls the mask off, flinging it to the side, my eyes widening in horror at what's underneath.
Lelouch has stopped screaming, but his face..he looks pale normally, but right now? Right now he looks like he's half dead, like all the color has washed out of his features, the only color being the eerie shimmer of his veins and eyes, eyes wide with dilated unblinking pupils staring straight ahead, sweat running like water down to his neck.
Kami..what have I done to him? This is all my fault, I shouldn't have lost my temper, or started a fight with him, or saw him as the other-
"SUZAKU!" he shrieks, arms wrapping around him tightly as I let out a cry of surprise at his sudden movement causing us both to topple over.
"Forgive me.. oh god forgive me.. I can't do it.. I can't lose you again.. None of this is worth it if I end up losing you… I can't curse you with that evil burden again.. I love you too much to make you suffer that cruelty once more… No matter what we've done to each other, you never deserved my inflicting Requiem on you… I'm sorry Suzaku, I'm so sorry.." he whispers tonelessly and flatly, tears running down his face as I numbly rub his back, utterly confused as to what he's talking about.
Evil burden? Cruelty? Inflicting Requiem? What does he mean? I don't understand…
But that doesn't matter. My friend, the man I love, is hurting right now. He's done so much to save me, to shield me, to make sure I was protected. Seeing him like this, broken and afraid, shivering in my arms…to not do the same for him in his hour of need would be unworthy as a man, as a samurai, and as a knight.
"Lelouch…whatever you think you did, it doesn't matter. I won't leave you, no matter what. You have my word as a man, for whatever you think that's worth." I proclaim, watching him blink at my words before giving a crooked smile that is painful to look at despite how it makes my heart throb.
"さすが、すざく。You're too good for me, I know it all too well, but even so…I can't let you go." (As expected of Suzaku) he whispers, soft lips briefly touching mine before pulling back, a look of shame on his pale face.
駄目です、ルル。 (That's not allowed, Lulu)
Stronger and faster, definitely. But he's still as light as a feather to me. It only takes a small effort to pull him back into my arms, a look of intense determination on my features- wait, is he blushing?
"Who said you could look away or be ashamed? Did I say you could?" I say, holding him in a hug as I sit up, shifting my arms to hold him in a princess carry, his face turning as red as Kallen's hair.
"Did I, Lelouch vi Britannia?" my voice echoes in the room, carrying a tone that is as much frustration as it is possessive anger. Which is something I don't know if I've ever felt before, but I can't really describe the emotion in my heart any other way.
He drives me completely insane, he strains my morality and credulity, he does horrible things to himself and others, refusing to let anyone shoulder his burden until the weight finally breaks his back like it did just now. Utterly stupid and headstrong, unreasonable in his viewpoints and…and…
It only makes me love him more. Guess we're both idiots.
With a few strides, we're at the door and I realize awkwardly that I can't hit the buttons to open it while holding him, only for the door to open by itself, CC turning around at the sound.
"So, how did it…go?" she says trailing off as she notices the bruises on my face and Lelouch's haggard state.
Sighing and palming her face, she drolly remarks, "What did you boys do to each other this time?"
My head tilts in confusion, "You're not blaming me for-" "Of course not, it's almost certainly just as much his fault as it is yours and I expected this in all honesty." she remarks, rolling her eyes while Lelouch flinches at her remark.
"...It *is* my fault. I went too far. I…I..I almost..killed him.." I mutter bitterly, holding Lulu tightly in my arms, jaw clenching in shame at losing control of myself like that.
CC's amber eyes narrow sharply, the intensity of her gaze strong enough to burn a hole in the walls. Before she can say a word, I continue speaking, "I…I saw…I saw the other one. I saw Lelouch becoming that demon. Zero was my enemy, he was there in front of me, ready to ruin everything like he did before..I couldn't…I had to-"
I hate myself. I hate how weak and delusional I am. I almost killed my best friend, the man I love, because I couldn't tell the difference between a fake distorted memory of him and the living breathing person in front of me. 畜生。。 (Damnit..)
Soft warm leather touches my left cheek, while the neatly manicured fingers of a woman's hand touches my right, the owners of both hands looking at me in concern and silent horror.
"Suzaku..it's my fault. Both for concealing so much from you, and not realizing that my mask would remind you of that," Lelouch murmurs, his features downcast, hair over his eyes as I hold him.
CC shakes her head, "No, Asshole. Letting you two fight it out while Suzaku was still on an uneven keel instead of marching in and beating both you idiots senseless when you started hammering at each other, that was my error."
Frowning even as I enjoy the hands on my face, I gently shake my head from side to side, "That doesn't excuse losing my temper and letting my own demons get the better of me. I'm not a child."
A playful glint shines in CC's eyes at that statement, "That doesn't mean I can't put you over my knee, boya. You're a few hundred years away from beating me in a fight. The same goes for you, Mr. Cyborg, disciplining you wouldn't be nearly as hard as bringing Marianne to heel was."
Bringing Marianne- "Hang on, you taught Lelouch's mother?" Why am I always the last one to find out everything, this is getting absurd.
With a toss of her hair, CC steps back, beckoning for the two of us to follow her as she continues speaking, "Indeed, Marianne was my finest protege. And once you're feeling more up to it, perhaps you'll take a lesson from me as well. It certainly helped Kallen."
…Much as I want to help, she's right. I can't go out there, not until I stop seeing the other Zero in the place of the man I swore my oath to. There's no need to endanger people recklessly. On the other hand, there is something I have the urge to do..
"Your piloting against her was superb by the by, been practicing during the last yea-ack!" CC squawks in surprise at the light kick from the foot applied to her ample backside.
Raising an eyebrow as an impish smile crosses my face, I reply, "Sir Waldstein took me on as a student actually, and that was for your lying and keeping things hidden from me. Can both you and Lelouch here promise me that you'll stop doing that, no matter how much you think it's for my own good?"
For once the former prince in my arms has no witty retort or reply, only nodding as he nestles his head in the crook of my arm…that really should not feel as good as it does. He's going to make me blush at this rate.
"Ara ara, I like it when you get assertive, Suzaku-kun. And it seems Asshole does too, oh ho ho ho. Come find me later if you want to work up a sweat~" CC vocalizes, licking her front teeth slowly before continuing to walk with a sway in her hips..that is far too distracting for it's own good. We're lucky nobody uses this part of the ship.
Oh right, I should probably ask her. Coughing to get her attention, I speak up, "CC, Lelouch said something that…I don't even know where to start with what I'm asking."
Now that the adrenaline isn't pumping through my veins with my anger cooling, the sheer insanity of everything he told me about is starting to sink in. It's just..
"Ragnarok?" she inquires with uncharacteristic seriousness in her tone, turning around as I nod.
"The old Norse did a superb job distilling such a terrifying concept into a single word. It means twilight of the gods. As in, the end of the powers that hold up the current world."
What? What does that even mean? That's barely more of an explanation than Lelouch told me!
CC sighs, rubbing her forehead in frustration, "Conceptually, Ragnarok should not destroy the physical world around us, as far as my understanding reaches. It would merely destroy the collective consciousness of humanity, which Charles and Marianne refer to as 'the gods', unifying the living and the dead in a single plane of existence. And no one, not even I, has any idea what the end result of activating the Sword of Akasha would be. The Thought Elevators are an ancient system we appropriated for our own use, creating a vast network of systems to support the Sword, which itself was constructed within the World of C, the place closest to the collective consciousness of mankind, by mad desire and extraordinary willpower."
…..
Suddenly everything clicks into place for me. The absolute terror of what this thing represents, the madness of Lelouch's family for creating it and wanting to use it, the stress Lelouch has been under-!
Kami, this is madness. I thought the emperor was just a brutal tyrant, an abusive father, an absent ruler. But no, it's so much worse than that.
He's a genocidal maniac who's going to destroy EVERYTHING!
"And there it is. The look. When the thought of just what we're up against all comes together and the threadbare tightrope we're balanced on is felt beneath your feet, and the yawning chasm of things worse than mere death gaping wide as you look down," CC says, vocalizing the exact thoughts I'd been having, which was probably obvious from the sweat on my face and what I'm certain is the fear in my eyes.
Her hand pats me on the ass as she steps behind me, urging me forward, "Go and take today off, both of you."
Before I can say a word, she continues, "Lelouch is grossly overstressed and needs to take a day off before he has another nervous breakdown. Even aside from the question of morale if our fearless leader has a freakout session, I'd rather he have time to pull himself together. He's no good to anyone if he's a nervous wreck or dead. And you Suzaku, need to think about what it is you want to do here. And what you need to regain your own equilibrium."
With a toss of her hair, she struts over to a nearby door, inputting a number sequence on the door, which opens to reveal Euphemia in a nightgown, reading a book, which she immediately puts down, a cross expression crossing her face.
"CC, when I asked you to please watch the two of them, I expected you to intervene before they came to blows."
Looking back, that whole fight was stupid and could have been avoided if we'd just talked to…oh.
Madame President was right, we're both idiots.
"So why is it that when you bring them both back here after their discussion, that they look like they ripped a pound of flesh from each other? I want to know why you didn't stop this, Queen of Hell," she pronounces, royal presence encompassing the room as both Lulu and I hang our heads in shame at the scolding, while even CC has the bare amount of decency to at least act a bit chagrined.
"I thought that if they got it out of their systems it would be better, and that they'd speak more freely without anyone watching. That, and Lelouch wanted to speak to Suzaku alone, so I acceded to his wishes."
Hard to say if she's covering her ass or Lelouch's. Might be both of them.
"Euphie, I-" "I'll speak to you in a moment, Lulu. Your queen has yet to explain herself," Euphemia says with a commanding tone, crossing her arms as she glares at CC.
A few moments tick by before CC sighs and lowers her head, "It was a mistake because neither of us realized that Suzaku was having visions from what your father did to him and thought that 'Zero' was the one that supposedly killed you at the SAZ."
It takes a second for the impact of that to hit, but once it does, Euphemia goes white with fear momentarily, and then she walks over to CC, looking her in the eyes, violet to amber.
"I am bitterly disappointed in you for failing to protect them, CC. Shame on you."
The emerald witch visibly wilts at the declaration, a pained wince on her face as she closes her eyes.
Which open in surprise as she feels a hand on her cheek with Euphie raising her head up by the chin, a tired smile on her face, "But it's also my fault for not realizing that Lelouch and Suzaku would try their hardest to do something foolhardy and damn anyone who gets in their way. And that Suzaku clearly has demons troubling his heart that we must exorcize. So please, don't shut us out. I don't like being angry at you either."
Seeing CC tear up from Euphie's touch and nod gratefully is probably one of the most unbelievable things I've seen in a long time. Bonds this close don't come easily or quickly. I almost feel like an outsider now. Maybe I should just leave Lelouch here and go-
"Suzaku, put Lelouch down on the bed and sit with him, I'll be right back," Euphie remarks, pulling CC outside the door a moment. Leaving me holding my former hated enemy, the man I thought…no. That didn't happen and I can't keep blaming him for my problems.
"Forgive me, Suzaku. I should never have used my geass on you, or seduced you to my side with my poisoned tongue or-" "Are you really that conceited, Lelouch?"
The man in my arms stops talking at the interruption, looking up at me with soulful eyes as he wonders what I mean.
Setting him down, I kneel on the bed, looking down at him, holding his hand in mine gently as our eyes meet.
"You think I'm a child who doesn't know any better? Or some naive waif you can lead around by the nose who never questions you because you know what's best for me? You think that little of me?"
Looking away in shame is as bad as saying yes, Lulu.
"You may have seduced me as you put it, but it was still my choice to go with it and to follow you. As strange it sounds, we need each other, Lelouch. I need someone who can see the bigger picture and won't let me waste myself on a hopeless cause. And you need someone who still believes in childish ideals like chivalry, hope, and the inherent kindness in people."
With an ease even I didn't know I possessed, I put one hand behind Lelouch's back and the other behind his head, pulling him to my lap as he flushes in embarrassment at being manhandled.
Lowering my voice to a whispering tone, our eyes meet as I continue my train of thought, "So no. You didn't use me. I knew what I was getting into. And I'm glad I fell for you, Lelouch. My best friend, my brother, the man I love. You get so full of yourself, you forget other people have agency too, that we're doing this because we care about you. And because it's the right thing to do."
Stupid, stupid, stupid. I was so full of anger and feeling betrayed by him that I forgot the important things. Like how much we've hurt each other out of misplaced worry or protectiveness, or how deeply the bond between our hearts goes. Or how much the thought of losing each other hurts..
"You think you don't deserve it. That you don't deserve to be loved, to have family, after everything you've done. If that's true, then how do I deserve anything good either? The sins I've committed are just as bad as yours. Your father altering my memories doesn't make me any less guilty of all the pain I caused over the last year. So why do I deserve to be happy?"
A person can't hang out with Lelouch vi Britannia for as long as I have without learning some of his rhetoric, or being subjected to it repeatedly. So getting the chance to turn it back on him for once, even if he's off balance, feels a lot better than I imagined.
"What?! I'll break the skulls of anyone who dares to-?!" his eyes glow red as he starts working up a head of steam only to sputter out as I kiss him hungrily, letting the heat of his anger flow into me and evaporate like steam. Maybe I really was lying to myself a year ago, that I was just going along with it to protect him, to protect Euphie. That I was being a good friend by indulging the sexual lusts of the people around me.
The truth is, I did like it. Kissing him is intoxicating, holding him in my arms like this as he acquiesces to my movements…there's no point in shading it or lying to myself. Even if the Geass that compelled me to be honest is gone, no, even if it never existed?
"Remember what we said to each other when we were kids? When the two of us are together?"
Even if the world itself tells me no, that what I'm doing is wrong and I should kneel to the way things are, and accept that I can't change the world? I would stand up and fight because like we said to each other all those years ago-
"We...can do anything," he breathes out, a radiant blush on his cheeks, hot breath from his lips caressing my face, a heartstopping smile on his pale features that makes me feel these pants are extremely uncomfortable.
"I've known you for a long time. I can tell when you're lying, even to yourself. And even with how much you changed? I still know how to see into your heart, Lulu," I declare, one hand around his back holding him in my lap, the other on the back of his head but firmly holding him in to look me in the eyes.
Kissing his cheek softly as he shudders at my touch, I mutter to him, "So stop trying to break everyone else's. I swore I'd help you change the world and make one so what happened to us wouldn't happen to anyone else. But that means you need to listen to me sometimes, just like I need to listen to you. But no more fighting. It hurts both of us too much, and it makes the people we love cry."
They deserve better from us. We need to be better.
"はい、すざく-さま。。" (Yes, Lord Suzaku..) Lulu says in a sultry and submissive tone, nuzzling my cheek like an affectionate kitten, causing my own cheeks to flare sakura pink at the gesture.
Girlish giggling breaks the spell around us as we both turn to see Euphie covering her mouth in embarrassment, CC looking over her shoulder with an amorous and relieved smile. Which is a combination that I didn't know existed but I'm happy to know it does.
"I'll let the bridge know Zero is taking a mental health day, as oxymoronic as that sounds. Have fun boys and girls, ta ta," she remarks, sashaying out of the room with a swing of her hips that leave my eyes glued below the waistline.
"Seeing you two at ease with each other lifts a weight off my heart," Euphie states, sitting on the bed next to me as I hold Lulu in my arms. And seeing that reminds me of something I should have said to him awhile ago.
"Lelouch, I'm sorry. I should have said this to you sooner. But I'm making up for lost time now," I declare before kissing him, his eyes widening briefly before they close in pleasure, his heart pulsing against my own while Euphemia's cheeks color a rosy pink with her voyeurism.
Breaking the kiss, emerald meets two pairs of violet, "Thank you. For protecting her when I couldn't. And thank you, Euphie, for protecting him when I couldn't. I may not be worthy of being your knight, but I will stand by your sides for as long as you will have me, with all my heart."
Euphie wipes her eyes as she joins the hug, whispering to us, "Stop saying that you are not worthy or that we'd ever think you didn't deserve to be happy. And forgive yourself for everything. That is the only thing that I will ever command of you as your princess any time soon."
But…I can't..
"Suzaku, she's right. You are a better man than I have ever been. How can I be at ease knowing that your heart is wounded and that I played any part in such?" the man in my arms replies, resting his head on Euphie's shoulder, only to wince as she pulls his ear, frowning.
Shaking her head to indicate a negative, Euphie glares at him, "What I said was just as good for the goose as it was for the gander. Stop trying to take the weight of the world onto your shoulders alone. You are not alone. And if you don't listen, I'll..I'll..," she trails off, consternation on her face as her nose scrunches up in thought.
"I'll spank the both of you till you cry!" she exclaims with a huff.
Every ounce of my knightley and soldierly training comes to the forefront as my face freezes in place so I won't start laughing at how adorable she looks when says something like that. Given the rictus look on Lelouch's face, he's probably having the exact same thought.
"I mean it! And I'll get help if my arms get tired! So you better behave, hmph!" she declares, turning her head to the side with her nose up in a perfect parody of noble disdain.
Kami, help. I don't think I can hold this face much longer…
Swallowing audibly, Lulu pipes up, "Much as I'd really enjoy seeing Domina Euphie go to town, I believe the message has been received, right Suzaku?"
The pointed nature of that question snaps me out of my frozen state as I nod, not trusting myself not to say something that would ruin the moment. Although now I really want to ask about 'Domina Euphie'...
My princess closes her eyes in satisfaction, finely manicured nails gripping onto our shoulders while her head rests between our chests, "Thank you. For listening to me, and not making me have to choose between you. I couldn't bear having to make that choice."
Was I forcing her to..in a sense, we both were trying to make her choose when we were fighting. No wonder she was getting mad at us. Being in a relationship with multiple people is so much harder than I realized. But…maybe it's worth it.
Believing in myself, I don't know if I can do that, not yet. So I'll choose to believe in love and the people I gave my heart to.