9th of First Seed
I woke up with Vilkas' cloak tucked under my head and a saber cat pelt thrown over me. I took his cloak back to him and got a bit of a smirk when I returned it. Apparently I cried myself to sleep out in the Underforge and Vilkas covered me up and let me rest. "I can't imagine you've been sleeping well these past few nights," was his only comment. Aela walked past and told me that the girls and I are always welcome at Jorrvaskr and that it wouldn't be the first time there were children in Jorrvaskr. Farkas wandered over, "We grew up here. I think it worked out okay." I love both of them dearly, but I don't want to see my girls at the female versions of the twins in a few years. We exchanged hugs and promises to come visit and to go hunting with Aela before I left to get Kaidan from the Mare.
I walked in and he looked up and I suppose whatever's on written all over my face concerns him, because the look on his face changes instantly. He stows his food and stops flirting with Saadia to follow after me. I head up to see Balgruuf and make my petition. I must look terrible because Balgruuf practically drug me into Farengar's laboratory and shut the door. It's Kaidan, Hrongar, Balgruuf, myself and Farengar. Irileth is outside making sure we have some privacy. When your Jarl shoves you into a chair and pours you a stiff drink, things are bad. Balgruuf hauls over his own chair and sits down. "I know how hard it was for me when my wife went missing. It's the not knowing that tears you apart. It's worse than having them die because at least then, horrible as that is, you know what you can do, what you need to do, to get on with your own life." I admitted that the silence is killing me. There's been no ransom note. No ultimatum. No list of demands. Just my husband and my house carl, both seemingly vanished into air. I repeated all the same things I told Ulfric and Galmar. Balgruuf is going to send a few men to Frostfall too - mainly to keep an eye on Ulfric's men I think. I'll ask for a couple from Falkreath and Solitude and Winterhold while I'm at it so no one feels left out. Out of anyone, I think Elisif will understand.
Balgruuf told me that he'd finally read the book I left for him and now he understands things more clearly and that much of recent events now makes more sense. He also said that his judgement of those involved is now much less harsh. Everyone else is confused but I know exactly what he means. This is his way of telling me he's finally read the dossier on Ulfric and sees it much as I did when I read it. Ulfric killed Torryg because he was worried that the boy-king would sell him out the Empire who hand him back to the Thalmor. I waved a hand at Kaidan, "You can ask him what goes on in those horrible little cells. I pulled him out of one recently, right here in Whiterun Hold." Balgruuf gave Kaidan a hard, appraising stare. Kaidan only nodded and shrugged. Balgruuf cursed softly, "I had no idea those impudent bastards were operating in my hold." Kaidan chuckled, "They're not any more. She saw to that when she carted me out of that place."
Balgruuf frowns at me and asked what made me go looking so then I start telling the stories about the basement in Helgen and Neugrad and Snowhawk and Greenwall. Then I tell him about Eorlund's sons and the basement at the Thalmor embassy. Balgruuf admitted that he'd heard stories but never put much stock in them. He's horrified to find out that quite a lot of it was true. I've asked that they keep listening for rumors and have the hunters, woodsmen, and others keep a watch out for any Thalmor. Their comings and goings might serve as a tip off for other locations. Balgruuf sat for a moment thinking, "So that's why you kept adding to your war band. I had wondered about that, but I've always trusted you and that's always worked out well for me. I never once had a complaint about any of them. Not even so much as heard that they'd made a rude comment to anyone, so I never asked you about it." I explained that I'd grown the Merry Band to a size where we could hit them with enough numbers to make sure none of them lived to tell the tale, and get away with all the prisoners.
Balgruuf sits there for a moment staring, "It's almost like I knew what was I was doing when I made you my Thane." I had to tell him that I'm Thane in some other holds too but my primary loyalty is to him. Always has been and always will be but that the bearded monkeys are growing on me. He asked me who I meant by the bearded monkeys and laughed when I said our mutual friends in Windhelm. Balgruuf warned me about saying that out loud so I told him I've already said it to Ulfric's face. The look that got me from Balgruuf... If you don't want to be called a monkey, don't act like one. Ulfric had been acting like a monkey, but he's also been getting better about not acting like one too, now that there are other voices he listens to besides Galmar's. That led to me telling Balgruuf about jacking Ulfric's jaw and smacking him about while ranting at him. Hrongar chuckled and told me that his timing is probably horrible for saying this but that I ever wanted to remarry, he'd be interested and that he was sure I'd understand what he meant. That was the first time, since Eric's gone missing, that I've laughed. He was starting to get upset when I gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek. It's the first time I think I've seen Hrongar blush.
10th of First Seed
Once I was done talking with Balgruuf, Kaidan hauled me out of Whiterun. We went out on the tundra away from everyone. He told me "Scream, cry, shout, do whatever it is you need to do. Hells, punch me if you need to, but let go of some of this emotion before it gets you killed." Before I could say anything else, he crossed his arms and gave me fairly stern glare, "No, I won't hear it. You've got that look about you. Balgruuf and Hrongar see it. The Companions see it, too. I've seen it before, and I don't like it. I like it even less on you. I've only got one friend and that's you. No one's here to judge you. Gods know I've got no room to. You're safe here. There are no prying eyes or wagging tongues. For the love of all the gods, let it go before it kills you."
That's when the dam broke and all of it came pouring out like torrent. The trip to get back here, Ma, Auntie Kelda, Helgen, Skor, Kodlak, Alduin, Miraak, Mora, the war, Ancano, and now Eric and Jordis. I was crying so hard, I don't know how much of it he understood or even if I was making sense at all. I have a vague memory of tearing up chunks of turf and howling like an animal. At some point, I just starting running. I know that I found myself running through the forest, dodging trees. I remember a spriggan attacking me. I think I ripped out its tap root and roared at the forest. I don't have any idea where we are or how far I ran to even get to a forest.
When I finally came back to myself, I was laying a big pile of moss watching Kaidan spitting a pheasant to roast over a fire. The iron straps that I've had around my chest are gone and I can breathe again. I must have moved or made some noise because he turned to look at me. Concern was all over his face.
"Let me see if I have the right of this. You arrived here eight months ago in literally in rags, without a single septim to your name. You've done all this in less than a year. You're Thane in five – FIVE – holds. Skor is avenged. Kodlak's free. Alduin is dead. Miraak is dead. The war is ended. You've managed to save everyone from Ancano's insanity. You own Frostfall and Dragon's Keep and bunch of other properties. Any one of your exploits would be enough for a lifetime. No wonder. Gods above! The miracle is that you're still living."
He sees me looking around and hands me my pack. "Yes, I brought your pack along," he grins, "What's in there? It's heavy." "Weapons and potions, mostly." I fish out my journal and hand it to him. "This is likely a lot more coherent than what I ever I was babbling earlier. I know that you got some of it after Ralof called me Stormblade. The Storm Cloaks had a few names for me – Ice Veins, Bone Breaker, Snow Hammer – mostly to confuse the Imperials and the Thalmor. Ulfric felt like it would make it seem like more than one person and perhaps keep me safer. What you got was mostly the condensed version. My journal is more of an unedited version with some exceptions. There's a few things that aren't in there." "Like what?" Kaidan asks. "Things I don't want in the archives of The Companions." "Meaning..." he probes with an arched brow, "Very few know this, but the Companions have archives, kept by every Harbinger since our second Harbinger, Jeek of the River. Some of our records go back five thousand years. I've set the mages the task of copying all of it for themselves and the bards. Of the two, I trust the mages more than the bards to keep records. I've seen the library in both places. The bard's library is atrocious. They could learn a few things from Urag. "
"Out with it," he frowns, "Stop stalling. I won't judge you." "Some things are a bit private, and I don't want it the archives for everyone to read about for the next five thousand years." "Like what?", he pushes. "Like the few days I lost to drunken debauchery with Sanguine." A smirk flits across his face, "How drunken and how debauched?" "To be honest, I'm not sure. I can't recall most of it but the parts of it I managed to piece together after the fact seem to have involved some giants, a goat, a hargraven, a near marriage, and a trip through nearly every tavern in Skyrim. I know that Sanguine told me that I was one his more interesting drinking companions ever." "A goat? I'm not sure I want to know," Kaidan laughs, "Anything else that's not in there? That way I can ask you about that later." "Let me see, My run-ins with Potema, Sheogorath, Hircine, Molag Bal, Clavicus Vile and Mephala." I got another one of his long hard stares, "Are there any Daedric princes you haven't encountered?" I shrugged, "It seems like any being of power, Daedra or otherwise, wants me to follow them." "All of this in eight months... It's even more of a miracle than I thought that you're still walking the face of Nirn. I can see I'm going to have my work cut out for me making sure it stays that way. " "Drinking with the daedric prince of debauchery, eh?" Kaidan laughed and wagged the journal at me, "I'm going to enjoy reading this, I think."
I noticed that my hands are covered in spriggan sap and apologized for being such a mess. "Don't worry about it," Kaidan grinned at me, "At least now the mess is on the outside, where it washes off. I'll have you know that you led me on a merry chase. We're nowhere near Whiterun now. I had a hard time keeping up with you. Gods, the way you move in that armor – like it's nothing. The spriggan gave me a bad turn, though. I couldn't get a clear shot at it, but you... You just reached in and ripped the taproot right out of it before you roared defiance at the forest. I never knew a forest could get that quiet so fast. One thing that Justicar is right about, watching you demolish your enemies is both oddly arousing and utterly terrifying all at once."
"It's the dovah in me". When he gave me an odd look, I tried to explain to him what I am, what it means to be dragonborn like Paarthurnax did when he was explaining to me what it is that I am. Human words aren't always precise and not many speak dragon, so it's difficult to convey. My shell, this body, is human but crammed into this body is a dragon's soul that brings with it a dragon's nature. Dovah were created for domination and collecting of shiny objects. I'm convinced that this is why there are chests at every dragon shrine usually full of offerings consisting of shiny objects like weapons, bits of armor, jewlery, coins, gems, and the like. Language is intrinsic to us. These things are fundamental to our nature. The shouting is dragon speech, and our words are imbued with our will and our magic to create change in the world around us.
Balgruuf calls Thuum vital essence, but that's not quite right, at least for a dovah. Thuum is the combination of will and our innate, inborn magic. Power without action is nothing. It sits idle and does nothing. Action without power is usually wasted. It's the difference between dropping a pebble in a river and using a boulder to divert the flow of the entire river. The pebble has no power over the river, but the boulder can force it out of its channel. Thuum, at least for a dovah, is magic, will and action combined. Alduin might have been the first of us and one of the strongest, but I am the most powerful of us. This is what Oda meant when he said my Thuum was greater than Alduin's. My will, my magic or maybe both were stronger than Alduin's. If I'd been created with wings instead of spending the first part of my life as an ordinary joor, I might not have been any better than Alduin. We joor are puny, short-lived creatures. Even mer, with their longer lifespans compared to humans, are still joor to a dragon. Why would anything as magnificent as a dragon care what happens to us?
The dragon in me often knows things that the joor doesn't. Like that sphere... Like my first shout. Like learning the dragon language. It's instinctive. The dovah knows but the joor doesn't want to believe. I think it's that dissonance that's been the source of my problems. I get no sense of Eric any longer. I've always been able to sense him, no matter how far away he was, since that first night. Even when we were in Bruma, I could sense him. I'm dovah and he was mine. I couldn't sense him anymore even before the locator spell failed, and Farengar's spell failed breaking the ring. This is part that I haven't been willing to admit to myself.