Morgan sat in his favourite chair, his whole body was tense. He eyed Reid across the room. He was sat back casually in the corner of the couch watching the TV. Although Morgan was sure he wasn't taking it in. It was highly unlikely that Reid had suddenly discovered a passion for 'Storage Wars', but nonetheless, that's what was playing.
"These people are foolish." Reid said shaking his head and gesturing at the screen. "Who would pay $1000 for that? The smart money would have been on the vintage furniture."
Okay, perhaps Morgan was wrong. He stared at Reid, his eyes narrowing, trying to figure out what to say. He seemed fine. He always seemed fine. For the last five days he had been absolutely fine. It was unsettling.
He had been in shutdown for nearly three days when Morgan brought him home. He barely spoke, spending most of his time in his little library with his earphones on. When Morgan would poke his head in he'd either find him reading or sitting with his eyes closed. It was a bit like having a teenager. Morgan would leave plates of food in the room for him but other than that there was very little interaction. Naturally, Reid had eaten hardly anything during that period.
Morgan couldn't help but wonder where his head was during that time; Whether he was processing and coming to terms with things or if his brain had pushed it all away. He sincerely hoped it was the former.
Finally, on the Thursday morning, Reid had entered the kitchen and greeted Morgan with a quiet 'Morning'. The sound of his voice was like music to his ears. He had to resist the urge to dramatically hug him in some emotional reunion. He could tell from Reid's body language, he certainly wasn't open to physical contact. He was still insular, giving very little eye contact. But it was a huge improvement from being shutdown, so Morgan would take it.
Morgan had been expecting a breakdown for some time. Some form of flashback or panic attack would eventually bring Reid's walls crashing down. But it never came. In fact, Reid had been taking care of him. Morgan had multiple flashbacks throughout the week. All of which, Reid had calmly brought him out of with reassurances of his safety and that he wasn't going anywhere. When Morgan would come round, he would find Reid's calm and composed expression staring at him. It was a comfort in those moments, but when he thought about it afterwards, it set him on edge.
Reid had also experienced flashbacks, but they were nothing like Morgan had become used to. He would just sit and stare, becoming incredibly still. He was completely unresponsive but if Morgan touched him or tried to grab his hand like he normally would, Reid would reject it. Talking to him didn't seem to help much either. Reid would simply come out of it when it released him. But even then, he didn't seem particularly affected. When Morgan asked him about them he would completely disregard it, ensuring him that he was 'fine' and it was 'nothing to worry about'.
When Morgan had told Reid about Maloney and his confession, Reid didn't even react.
Morgan felt like he was going crazy. Eight days of slowly falling apart while the true victim was seemingly fine was sending him into a tailspin. The final straw was today when Rossi had turned up to take Reid's statement. Morgan had provided his to Hotch yesterday and had broken down multiple times, much to his embarrassment. Hotch had been incredibly supportive and referred him to the Bureau's counsellor advising that he would need to complete 4 weeks worth of sessions before he would even be considered 'fit' to return to work. When Hotch left, he appeared pale and downcast. Like the weight of the words in the statement he was holding were weighing him down. In contrast, Rossi had emerged from the living room looking completely bewildered, holding the statement like it was some confusing code to be cracked.
"Well, that's done." Rossi said casually.
Morgan frowned in anticipation. "How did he do?"
"Fine." He shook his head. Rossi did not look happy.
"What's wrong?" Morgan asked. "Is he okay?" He looked worriedly towards the living room.
"Morgan, he's fine." Rossi said firmly, emphasising the 'fine' communicating that word was the problem.
"Then what's the matter?"
Rossi flipped to the second page of the statement and handed it over to Morgan.
"Just read this." He swallowed thickly. Morgan looked at him for a few moments then reluctantly took it. Rossi watched him as he read it through line by line. His face becoming increasingly distressed with each line he took in. He ran a hand over his head and his brows furrowed.
"Oh my god." Morgan gasped as he continued. Rossi nodded, a severe frown on his face. He had been horrified at what they had done, the things they had whispered to him, what they'd made him do. It made him feel physically sick. As he saw Morgan coming to the end of the statement, he reached out to take it back. Morgan looked the same way he felt: Devastated, nauseous and angry.
"He didn't even flinch." Rossi stated flatly. "He may as well have been reading out a grocery list."
Morgan's brows furrowed. "He didn't get upset?"
"Not once. The worst part was when he was telling me what they said about you, me and Hotch. You read that right?"
Morgan swallowed back his disgust. "Yeah."
"He was smiling. Like he found it funny." Morgan's face dropped. "Honestly, it took everything I had to just stay in the room with him at that moment. It gave me the creeps." He shuddered.
"So he's not had any flashbacks, no panic attacks, nothing?"
"Not just that, but he's not been upset or angry or frustrated. Not a single reaction that I would consider 'normal'." Rossi said shaking his head.
"What the hell is going on?" Morgan asked concerned. "He's been like that all week, but I was sure once he gave his statement he'd have to face up to things."
"He's not well, Morgan." Rossi said, his voice was deadly serious.
Those words circled round in Morgan's head over and over. 'He's not well.' They had made his stomach drop to his feet.
"Reid?" He said gently. Reid pulled his gaze away from the TV and turned to Morgan. "Can I talk to you?"
Reid's brows furrowed. "Sure." He replied simply.
"How did it go today?"
Reid shrugged his shoulders. "Fine. Why?"
"Was just wondering." Morgan answered, feigning easiness. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Reid's gaze went back to the TV. "There's nothing to talk about."
Morgan tilted his head. "Well I was just thinking that you might want to-"
"You want a beer?" Reid asked, standing up suddenly. Morgan was taken aback by the sudden interruption.
"Er... no... thanks."
"Okay." Reid walked past him and into the kitchen. He could hear the sound of him opening a beer. Morgan furrowed his brows. Reid was not a beer drinker. Nor had he ever seen him just drink casually at home. He rarely drank at all.
He looked over his shoulder, waiting for Reid to emerge from the kitchen. When he did he walked straight behind Morgan and out of the living room. Presumably to his library.
So then began the drinking.
Morgan kept regularly checking in on Reid after he'd disappeared with the beer. He soon found that he'd acquired a few more. And then the bottle of brandy. Reid was getting gradually more and more drunk every time Morgan saw him.
When he tried speaking to him, Reid would simply get up, complete with glass and bottle and move to another room. Morgan would follow, but Reid would move again, completely avoiding any conversation.
That evening he had called Hotch.
"I don't know what to do, man. He won't talk to me. And he's drinking!" Morgan spoke in hushed tones.
"He's drinking?" Hotch's voice sounded surprised.
"Yeah, Hotch. He's had about 3 beers and he's now on the brandy... Do you think I should take it off him?"
Hotch made a noise like he was sucking air through his teeth. He clearly didn't think that was a good idea.
"I wouldn't right now. He's had a rough day. And from what I hear he's not been very emotional about it."
"You spoke to Rossi then."
"Hmm. It's probably affected him more than he's letting on if he's turned to alcohol."
"I just don't want him using it as a coping mechanism, Hotch. Not after everything with Hankel." He almost whispered the man's name like it was some big secret.
"Well hopefully it won't come to that and it's a one off. Just keep an eye on him." Morgan didn't answer. "Are you okay?" Hotch asked kindly.
"I dunno, man. I'm just feeling completely useless here. This is nothing like last time and I thought last time was bad."
"Well make sure you're taking care of yourself. The Bureau counsellor will be coming to see you on Wednesday and there is an appointment for Reid on Thursday."
"Okay." Morgan responded despondently. He was quickly reaching the end of his tether. Between his own mental health problems and Reid's complete disregard, he was feeling completely overwhelmed. He hoped the counsellor would be able to provide some good advice.
"Let me know how things are. Okay?"
"I will." Morgan assured him.
"And Morgan? Remember, we're all here for you."
Morgan smiled a little. "Thanks, Hotch."
Taking Hotch's advice, Morgan had given Reid space that evening. When Morgan had entered the library at 11pm he had found Reid sitting in the chair fast asleep, an empty glass and bottle of brandy on the table next to him. Unbeknownst to him, that was the first time Reid had fallen asleep before 3am since he'd left hospital. Morgan had nudged him awake and helped his drunken friend up the stairs to bed. He was very surprised how pliable he had been.
The next morning, Reid had woken up with a banging headache and been violently sick. He really shouldn't have been drinking that soon after surgery but he barely cared. It had helped him to sleep. Morgan had been like a concerned mother hen all morning, fussing around, getting him pain killers and rehydrating him.
Morgan had been deeply concerned when Reid had spent the morning being sick, constantly checking in on him to make sure there were no signs of blood or he wasn't in any pain. The post-operative advice had been to avoid alcohol for at least two weeks and Reid was still within the second week.
He had waved off his concerns with such apathy that Morgan began to feel frustrated. He was starting to get angry with him and he knew that wasn't fair. Reid had every right to deal with all of this in his own way, but that didn't mean Morgan had to like it.
Feeling his anger building he had taken himself to the grocery store in the late afternoon. Reid had insisted that he would be perfectly fine alone for an hour or so. It was a relief to Morgan to get out of what was starting to feel like a pressure cooker of unsaid words. He had decided to visit Garcia after the grocery store. Obviously calling Reid first to check in. He panicked briefly when he didn't answer his phone the first two times, but he breathed a sigh of relief when he finally answered on the third call. Reid had once again reassured him he would be absolutely fine and to stop worrying, hurrying him off the phone, a tone of irritation in his voice.
Morgan spent two hours with Garcia that evening and felt so much more like himself by the time he arrived home. When he walked in through the door, he called out happily to Reid. Garcia had sent him home with a selection of DVDs for them to watch with the plan of visiting over the weekend to chat about them and re-watch their favourites. Morgan thought it was a great idea and was bound to pique Reid's interest. He loved movies, especially when he had someone to talk to about them.
"Reid?!" He walked into the living room and it was empty. Knocking on the library door, he called out again. "Reid, check these out." He opened the door holding the bag of DVDs out. He looked around in surprise finding the room empty. He frowned a little. It wasn't like Reid to be in upstairs at 8pm. "Reid?!" He shouted up the stairs. When he received no response he climbed the stairs finding the bedroom and ensuite doors wide open and no sign of Reid. His heart leapt into his throat. He raced back down the stairs and checked the kitchen and the garden. Reid was nowhere to be found.
Completely panicking, he searched the house for Reid's phone and wallet. Finding neither he knew he must have left the house independently. That did little to quell his concerns. Reid still looked a mess. His face was still covered in healing bruises and cuts. He did not like the thought of him walking around the streets looking that vulnerable. Or worse, looking that 'tough'.
Pulling out his phone he dialled his number. The phone just kept ringing and ringing. Butterflies were dancing around in Morgan's chest now. He felt sick. Why would Reid just leave the house like that? He hadn't even left a note.
His mind flipped to Maloney and his 'organisation'. What if they had got to him? If they had been watching they would have seen Morgan leave the house. They could make it look like Reid left willingly. Or what if they had waited for Reid to leave the house himself and taken him then? Panicked tears were now welling up in his eyes, a lump in his throat was making him feel like he couldn't breathe.
He cancelled the call and then tried again, praying that Reid would answer.
"Hello." An impatient voice answered the phone.
"Oh god, Reid. You're okay." The relief in Morgan's voice was clear.
"I'm fine." He answered, the irritation clear in his voice. His words sounded slightly off.
"Where are you?" Morgan heard what sounded like a door open and loud music playing in the background. He furrowed his brows. "Are you at a bar?" He asked, completely taken aback.
"I'll be out for a few hours. I'll see you later."
"Reid, wait!" Morgan said quickly. "Come home, man. If you want a drink you can have one here. I don't like you being out by yourself." He almost begged.
"I will see you in a few hours." Reid answered firmly.
"Reid, I will find you and bring you home if need be." Morgan said, almost angrily.
"No, you won't, Morgan. My GPS is off, I am paying cash. Don't think I haven't already thought about you using Garcia like that." Reid practically spat. "You forget, I'm an FBI agent too."
Morgan's mouth dropped open. Reid sounded so callous.
"Reid, please just-" The call ended. Morgan threw his phone across the room. "FUCK!" He screamed. Reid was really starting to work his last nerve. How could he be so stupid? How could he leave himself so exposed? He was drinking alone, injured, surrounded by people he didn't know. How could he do that to himself? How could he do that to him? He knew Morgan worried so much about him.
Morgan's mind was flooded with scenarios he'd rather not see but they were rolling over him anyway. His breathing picked up as his mind reluctantly entered a flashback.
Morgan pulled madly at the handcuffs but they weren't shifting. The blood was running down his hands.
John was sat on the couch staring at him, smiling.
"Do you hear that, Agent?"
Reid's quiet voice was travelling into the room.
"Please."
"Please what?" A sickening voice answered him. "Tell us you want it."
A sob broke out. "I want it." He answered quietly.
"Again." The voice ordered.
"I want it." Reid's voice cried.
"Your friend can hear you." Another callous voice spoke, laughing. "Tell him what you are."
"No." The sound of a slap rung out from the room. Reid cried out in time with obvious thrusting as one of the men clearly speeded up his ministrations.
"Tell him!" The voice shouted and another slap rang out. Reid cried loudly.
"I'm a fuck toy." Morgan could just make out the whisper. It broke his heart.
"Louder! Call his name!" Reid cried out again, clearly in pain.
"I'm a fuck toy, Morgan!" He shouted, followed by pained sobs. Hearty laugher rang out from the room. Tears ran down Morgan's face. John stood and moved towards him, kicking him in the stomach.
"Don't look so worried. He's enjoying it. Just listen to him." He grabbed Morgan by the chin and he tried to bite him.
"I want more. I want more." Reid sobbed.
"Say thank you!" Another voice shouted, with a hint of humour.
"Thank y-"
They all started laughing as Reid began choking and gagging. It was clear what was happening.
"See? It's what he's made for."
As quick as the flashback hit him, it subsided and Morgan found himself panting on the couch, hitting out at non-existent enemies. Tears were streaming down his face and he found himself crying out desperately. He sat up, putting his head between his knees and sobbed as the feeling of helplessness washed over him. The more Reid pushed him away, the worse the memories were becoming. He wrapped his hands around the back of his head and cried until he couldn't cry anymore.
Morgan was sat on the couch, rocking back and forth, his hands clasped tightly in front of him. His nerves were shot. The later it was getting, the more worried he was. He had called Reid four times in the last half an hour and he had ignored every single call. The only reassurance he had was a poorly typed text message sent forty minutes ago.
The message was not in the least bit reassuring, it suggested Reid was very drunk.
Spencer Reid
Today
00:22
"lwa ve me alome im not a xhild"
It had made Morgan's blood boil. Over the last nearly five hours he had gone through various emotions ranging from despair, anxiety and panic to irritability, exasperation and pure fury. He couldn't believe that after everything Reid would so carelessly disregard his own safety. And in turn, callously put him through so much distress when Reid knew how much he was already struggling with flashbacks and anxiety directly related to his safety. If Reid couldn't care about himself, Morgan had at least hoped he would care about him. But apparently not.
He heard a noise at the front door and he leapt to his feet, racing to the hallway. He could see a figure through the frosted glass door panel and could hear what sounded like a key scratching around the lock.
Morgan huffed and threw open the already unlocked door. An inebriated Reid fell through it and onto the floor at Morgan's feet.
"Ow." He muttered as he grimaced, having landed fully on his front.
Morgan winced as he realised Reid had landed on his stomach. He grabbed him by the shoulders and dragged him up to his feet, pushing him against the wall. He lifted his shirt to check his incision.
"Get off me.' Reid whined, clutching at his shirt, clumsily trying to pull it back down. Morgan's face scrunched up when he saw the soon to be scar. It was healing well, but that was the first time he had actually seen it properly. He was mildly horrified at how large it was. It really had been a major operation. Letting go of Reid's top, he felt his frustration building up and he took him by the shoulders once again, pressing him into the wall.
"Where the hell have you been?!" Morgan's expression was fierce with concern and pain.
Reid's eyes were completely unfocused and he held on to Morgan's arms to steady himself. "Out." He slurred with a lopsided smile. He stank of alcohol.
Morgan stared at him wide eyed, frozen somewhere between screaming in his face about his stupid lack of concern and grabbing him into a back breaking hug because he was safe and home. He did neither.
"How did you get home?" Concern laced Morgan's words.
Reid looked at him with furrowed brows for a few moments, almost going cross eyed. Morgan was sure he must have been seeing at least three of him right now. "Cab." He said with very little confidence.
He clearly couldn't remember how he'd got home. Reid hummed a little and started sliding down the wall, closing his eyes.
"Oh no you don't." Morgan hiked him back up again and Reid moaned. "You are going to bed."
Reid nodded sloppily and leaned heavily against Morgan. As much as Morgan had wanted to strangle him, the pure relief was taking over. As he had done the night before, he dragged him up the stairs and allowed him to collapse on to the bed. Reid passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow.
Morgan stood over the younger man, his breath heavy and his face in disbelief. He was completely exhausted with all of this. Sitting on the edge of the bed he dropped his head into his hands.
Wednesday went very much like Tuesday. Reid woke up, was violently sick, Morgan took care of him and Reid was neither grateful or communicative.
Whenever Morgan asked him about where he had been or what he got up to, Reid would just avoid the conversation or just say he didn't remember.
Morgan's lecture on drinking safely and not being so irresponsible had resulted in Reid storming off into the library and slamming the door in Morgan's face. In his fury, Morgan had gone to punch the door but managed to stop himself in the last moment.
A call to Garcia helped to calm his nerves.
"Baby girl."
"My chocolate thunder, you sound so sad." She said in a gentle voice.
Those words were all it took for Morgan to break down.
"Penelope. I'm so lost. I don't know what to do to help him."
'Is he drinking again?" She said worriedly.
"No. At least not right now. But he won't talk to me at all. We've just had an argument about last night. I told him what he did was stupid and irresponsible." He rubbed a hand down his face.
"And what did he say?"
"He just stormed off and slammed a door in my face." Garcia could hear the frustration and guilt in his voice.
"You didn't do anything, did you Derek?" She hated asking this question. Especially after last time when she had told him in no uncertain terms that she knew he would never hurt Reid. But things were completely different this time round. She had never heard Morgan sound so vulnerable. And she knew that when Morgan felt vulnerable, he got angry.
"I nearly punched the door, if that's what you mean." He said with a hint of dark humour.
"Okay. You need to try and keep your head, mon ami. I know you're feeling scared for him, but you have to keep that temper in check."
"I know, I know." He said, sighing.
" I know we like to take care of him and treat him like our baby brother but he is an adult and you can't lock him away."
"Even if I'm worried he's going to get himself hurt?".
"Even if you're worried, Morgan. He's not a child."
"Funny, Reid messaged me the same thing last night."
Penelope smiled a little. "Well, there you go."
"I just don't want him using alcohol as a way of escaping everything, like he did with the drugs."
"I know. None of us do. Maybe some things are just too painful to face right now." She said sadly.
"I just wish I could help him." Morgan's voice broke a little.
"You are helping him, my Adonis. Every day he is not alone you are helping him. He might not see it right now, but he will. I promise you."
"Thanks baby girl." Morgan smiled a little. He really appreciated her words but they gave little comfort.
"You have your appointment with the counsellor today right?" Garcia asked, her tone upbeat.
"Yeah, 6pm."
"Right, well save me seat afterwards as Lady G. will be gracing you with her presence tonight."
"Oh Garcia, I'm not sure Reid will be up to visitors. He's really not in a sociable place right now."
"As much as I love him, I'm not coming to see him. I'm coming to see you. You need it. Don't argue."
Morgan smiled. "Yes ma'am."
"Great, I will see you later."
"See you baby girl."
"Oh and Derek? Don't ever call me ma'am."
Morgan huffed out a laugh as she put down the phone.
By the time 7.10pm arrived, three things had happened. Morgan had completed his first counselling session. Garcia had arrived for an evening of pizza and films. And Reid had vanished again.
Morgan spent most of that evening pacing the living room with Garcia trying to placate him. She walked him through the breathing exercises his counsellor had given him and tried to get him to remain calm.
They both tried calling Reid, to no avail. Garcia tried tracking his phone. As promised the last trace of his GPS signal was at Morgan's house. This did little to calm his nerves.
Garcia was getting increasingly concerned, not only for Reid's welfare but for Morgan's mental health. He couldn't continue like this. It was too much for one person to handle alone. The weight of the responsibility he felt was crushing. Pairing that with the trauma he experienced, she was amazed he was still able to function. She just wanted to take it all away from both of them and get them back together as the brothers they were so meant to be. But that seemed impossible at the moment. Reid was an island. And he was floating away.
After stopping Morgan from leaving the house to search every bar in the city for what felt like the tenth time, she finally got him to settle on the couch with a film. It was her firm belief that Reid clearly felt this was something he needed to do. She didn't like it, but forcing him to do something he didn't want to do was the theme of what had gotten him in this state in the first place. It would only mean disaster for Morgan if he tried to do the same.
By 11.30pm Morgan was beside himself. Reid had turned off his phone. Garcia was doing everything within her power to keep him calm as waves of panic and flashbacks mangled his mind.
For the first time she realised that in these recent months, Morgan may have become a little too dependent on Reid. He seemed unable to function if he wasn't within his sights. This was something she would have to talk to him about at a more appropriate juncture.
Just after midnight, the now familiar sound of a key scratching at the lock came and Morgan flew towards the door, Garcia followed, trying to keep him calm.
Morgan flung the door open and grabbed Reid by the collar, pulling him in through the door. He yelped a little.
"Derek! Careful!" Garcia said, not approving of his methods.
"Why did you turn your phone off?!" He fumed, still holding him by the collar.
"I was busy." Reid slurred horribly.
Garcia couldn't believe how Reid looked. He was obviously completely intoxicated, but it wasn't that. He looked so pale and thin. He had dark circles under his eyes and the healing bruises on his face seemed to only be enhanced by how skinny he was.
"Oh Reid." Garcia raced forwards to give him a hug. "We have been so worried."
Reid furrowed his brows, pushing Garcia back.
"I can look after myself." His words were all slurring into one as he overdid the eye contact and leaned forward staring his unfocused eyes at her.
Morgan's jaw clenched and he felt Garcia's hand on his shoulder giving him a warning squeeze. He loosened his grip on Reid's collar in response.
Reid pushed past Morgan and clumsily made his way to the stairs. He tripped up on the very first one falling flat on his face.
"Careful!" Garcia said rushing to his side to help him up.
"Don't touch me!" Reid slurred ferociously, holding his hand out to the side to keep her away.
Garcia looked hurt and took a step back, shooting an upset glance to Morgan. He was just staring and frowning.
"Come on, Penelope. Let's just leave him." Morgan said coldly, finally having enough. He walked out of the hallway, into the living room and sat down.
Garcia couldn't take her eyes off Reid attempting to ascend the stairs. He was hanging off the bannister with one hand and the other was guiding him up almost on all fours. She had never seen Reid like this. Ever. She wondered if this is what all of those months had been like after Hankel where no one had helped him and he'd been left alone to deal with it. She really hoped not, but she suspected it may have been even worse. Tears stung at her eyes as she reluctantly made her way into the living room to join Morgan.
They heard a couple of thuds as he made his way up the stairs then all went quiet. He'd obviously gone to bed. Garcia wrapped her arms around Morgan and drew him into a cuddle. They sat like that for a long time before Morgan finally fell asleep.
She went home around 3am.
Thursday went very much like Wednesday. Reid woke up, was violently sick. The difference this time: Morgan didn't take care of him. If Reid missed it, he certainly didn't show it. He seemed quite content to just be left to his own devices. He remained in bed for a large portion on the day. The only interaction Morgan had with him that day was a loud bang on the door and a curt message telling him that his counsellor would be there in the next hour. It was 5pm. Reid groaned.
When the counsellor arrived at 6pm, Morgan answered the door. Reid still hadn't emerged from his room. It was incredibly unlike him.
Quelling any building panic, as Morgan had been doing all day in an attempt to keep himself calm, he shouted up the stairs to his younger colleague.
"Reid?! Dr. Hale is here." It was the same counsellor he had seen yesterday. The same that had been seeing Reid for the last few months. Hotch had thought it a good idea because she would have an all round understanding of everything they both went through.
Morgan rolled his eyes at the her and apologised as he headed up the stairs to Reid's room. Knocking on the door. "Reid?!"
No answer.
Morgan pushed the door open and his stomach dropped. The room was empty.
The familiar rush of panic entered his body and he rushed down the stairs.
"Sorry, he's taken to disappearing on drinking binges. Drinking here obviously wasn't enough." He said bitingly. "Reid?" He called around the house checking all of the rooms and returned to the hallway in a state when he realised he was definitely gone again. "How the hell has he even got out? FUCK!" He shouted.
"Agent Morgan." Dr. Hale spoke in a calming tone. "Come and sit down. Tell me what's been going on."
Morgan looked at her for a few moments then sighed, allowing her to lead him into the living room. They sat down as they had done yesterday.
"He keeps leaving the house, going god knows where, and drinking himself into oblivion. He comes home after midnight completely drunk."
"What sort of mood is he in when he comes home?"
"He's just drunk. Same as he was on Monday and Tuesday He's not aggressive." She nodded in response.
"Does he talk to you when he's in that state?"
"Not really. He won't tell me anything about where he's been. Almost like it's not my business."
"And Monday night was the first time he has drank like that?"
"Yeah. He's never been a drinker... I just don't know what to do for the best. I call him and he doesn't answer. I just want to know that he's safe."
"If he told you he was safe, would you believe him?" Dr. Hale asked pointedly.
He looked at her hard. "No. Because he's drinking too much."
"If this were Agent Hotchner who had gone out for a drink by himself, would there be the same level of concern?"
"That's not the same." Morgan asked curtly.
"And why not?" She asked, eyebrows raised slightly.
"Because it's not. He can look after himself, he's-" Morgan suddenly stopped talking when she quirked an eyebrow at him. He realised what he had said and exactly why it sounded so wrong.
"Agent Morgan. One of the things we are going to work on as part of our therapy is to trust your friend again."
"I do trust him... It's everyone else I don't trust." He said bitterly.
"Either way, your anxiety is directly linked to how safe you perceive he is. This will not get better until we fix your definition of 'safety' for him, which at the moment appears to be much stricter for him than it is for other people in your life."
"So you don't want me to be worried about the fact that he's drinking every night?"
"That is a real concern, Agent Morgan. And I will talk to him about that in our next session. But for you, we need to look at minimising the stress you are experiencing. If Dr. Reid is to be staying with you long-term we need to get your anxiety under control and the only way of doing that is for you to accept that you can't be around him 24/7. He has to be able to breathe."
"So you think I'm suffocating him?"
"No. But I do think you view him as someone who needs protecting."
"Well after what's happened to him, can you blame me?" Morgan was getting irritated now.
"No, I understand it. But what happened to him is over now. He's not in that situation anymore but your fight or flight response is behaving as if he still is. It's PTSD, Agent Morgan."
Morgan stared at her hard, his mouth dropping open slightly. Was he being irrational? He felt like he was just caring about him. Wanting to keep him safe. But was he actually keeping himself stuck in that apartment? He sighed and sat back, folding his arms.
"So you don't think I should be worried about this?" He asked, brows furrowed. He couldn't imagine how anyone could not be worried about this. But he knew Reid, he knew what he was like and the trouble he could unintentionally get into. And the fact that he was covered in bruises, already injured, doesn't know how to fight, inebriated... his mind was whirling. He dropped his head to his hands.
"Tell me what you are thinking." She said gently.
Morgan shook his head. He knew she would think he was being irrational. Hell, even he knew he was being irrational when he put his thoughts into a list like that.
"Agent Morgan." Dr. Hale encouraged gently. "Tell me exactly what made you put your head in your hands right then."
Morgan sighed.
"I'm just so worried. I think if he gets drunk, what if someone says something to him and he gets a smart mouth. Because he does have a smart mouth. And he can't fight, he's not a fighter. He won't be able to defend himself. He's already injured. Or what if someone sees his bruises and thinks he thinks he's a tough guy and starts on him just for fun? Or worse, what if someone sees him and thinks he's an easy target? What if someone comes onto him and he's too drunk to do anything about it? Or he gets ill or too drunk and he can't get home?" Morgan's breathing was fast and panicked as he finally stopped himself. He was wringing his hands nervously. The tension and fear in his body was clear.
"There's a lot of 'what ifs' there." She said with a small smile. Morgan looked at her and breathed out a laugh.
"Yeah. Welcome to my head right now." He said dryly.
"The key to managing your anxiety is separating the rational concerns from the irrational concerns. Do you think all of those thoughts are rational and realistic concerns?"
His brows furrowed. "No." He said sadly.
"Which ones do you think are rational?"
"Him not getting home because he's too drunk." Morgan said confidently. She nodded.
"And an irrational one?"
Morgan sighed.
"Someone attacking him." Dr. Hale smiled sadly.
"And why do you think that is such a huge concern to you? Most of what you said revolved around someone attacking him for one reason or another."
"Well it's obvious isn't it." He said, slightly disappointed in yourself.
"Is it?" She asked curiously. "For our next session I'd like you to have a think about all of the reasons why that is your first and foremost concern. I want you make two lists, one for why you think that would happen and another for why it wouldn't. And we will take a look at it on Monday."
Morgan nodded. "So you don't think I should try and find him?'
She took a deep breath. "I wouldn't tell you what to do in any situation. I am here to help you to manage your anxiety. I can only advise you that if you do take any action, make sure you are doing it based on the rational fears as opposed to the irrational ones. Irrational fears create irrational emotions. And this can often lead people to do things that they wouldn't normally do."
Morgan thought about the way he had nearly punched the door and understood what she meant. His emotions were all over the place at the moment and felt like they amplified.
"I understand." He said, nodding in agreement.
"I do have a free slot tomorrow if you would like to bring your appointment forward? I think given the current situation it might be beneficial to you."
Morgan nodded again. "Please... Urgh, I can't believe he has done this. I'm really sorry he has messed you around like this."
She smiled, shaking her head.
"It's not a problem, Agent. Believe it or not, not everyone is happy to see me." He smiled in return. "But if Dr. Reid does want to return to work, he will need to keep up with his appointments. Shall I book him in for a morning appointment? That way I'm less likely to miss him."
Morgan's jaw clenched a little. The implications were clear. She obviously thought he was going to continue this pattern of early evening drinking. He really hoped she was wrong.
"Yes. Okay." He sombrely agreed.
"Okay, I will send him a message with his next appointment. I unfortunately will have to report this missed session back to the Bureau. These are mandated sessions, I'm afraid."
"Will this work against him if he wants to come back?" He had no idea whether Reid had even thought about his return to work or if he even would want to return, but he certainly didn't want him to have the option taken away from him.
"One missed session won't be an issue. If it keeps happening then obviously, that's a problem. But we will deal with that if it happens. I'm hopeful it won't."
She stood, clearly ready to leave. Morgan stood with her and shook her hand.
"Thanks so much."
"Take care of yourself, Agent Morgan. And remember your breathing exercises."
Once she left, Morgan collapsed back into his chair.
Morgan walked into the bar. It was the tenth one he had visited so far. He tried as best as he could to stop his mind circling around the same horrendous images, but he couldn't help it. Irrational or not, he wouldn't just leave Reid to drink himself into the ground. Not again.
After sitting for many hours, driving himself mad, calling Reid over and over to eventually be met with a turned off phone, Morgan decided he'd had enough. He was going to find him and bring him home, come hell or high water.
It was not proving easy. He'd already been searching for two and half hours without any success. Asking the doormen if they recognised his photo didn't seem to yield much success. Most would just shrug their shoulders nonchalantly. The only way to be sure was to go inside himself and look.
Until bar number ten. 'Einstein's'. Of course Reid would be there. The doorman had given him a curious look and nodded his head towards the door. Morgan knew he had finally found him.
Upon entering, his gaze automatically darted around looking for some sign of his friend. The bar was dark and noisy, loud music was playing. This was not the sort of environment he would ever expect to find Reid in. His initial scout revealed nothing. Frowning, he moved further into the bar checking the back corners. That was when his eyes latched onto someone familiar. Deep in a corner booth was Reid, his head was hanging down and resting in his palm. He was clearly very drunk. Next to him was an older man with his arm around his shoulders talking into his ear. Lips way too close for Morgan's liking.
Morgan saw red and started moving forwards, fully intending to pull the man away from Reid. Then he saw Reid blearily turn and the man's lips latched on to his. Morgan stopped dead in his tracks. He couldn't move, shock stilled him. Reid did not seem to be pushing the man away. He didn't look comfortable, but Reid rarely did. The man pushed him further into the corner, deepening the kiss and running a hand through his hair, resting it on the back of his head. Reid didn't appear to be reciprocating but nothing about his body language suggested he wanted it to stop either. He just seemed pliable. The kiss lasted a good twenty seconds. When it was over, Reid's gaze dropped to the table again and his hand returned to his forehead as he said something. The other man laughed rubbing his hand up and down his back and into the nape of his neck. He took a drink and returned to talking deep into Reid's ear.
Morgan's hairs were standing on end. He didn't know what this meant. Was Reid gay after all? He certainly didn't look happy but he also wasn't fighting it either. On the face of it, it appeared consensual. Morgan moved to the bar and sat down, keeping his gaze firmly fixed on his friend.
"What can I get you, sugar?" An older barmaid approached him, leaning over the bar.
Morgan dragged his eyes away from Reid and turned to the barmaid.
"A beer please."
"Sure thing." She smiled, winking at him, clearly flirting.
His gaze drifted back over to Reid. The man had now moved from whispering in his ear to kissing his neck. When Reid pulled his head away as he clearly hit a sensitive spot, the man simply followed him, pushing his hair back behind his ear. Reid's eyes appeared almost blank. Morgan resisted the urge to move in as the man's other hand went under the table to regions unknown.
"Here you go." The barmaid placed a beer in front of him, giving him another smile. Seeing his frown, she tilted her head. "Something on your mind, sugar?"
Morgan furrowed his brows and nodded over to Reid in the corner. "Those men over there. Have you seen them here before?"
"Oh, them? Yeah, that kid's been coming in here for the last few nights. I'd never seen him before then. Very sad character. He's a hellfire drinker. Leaves here most nights completely gone." Morgan frowned again and nodded.
"What about the other guy?"
"Him?" She crinkled her nose in distaste. "He's just out for what he can get. He's been workin' on that kid for the last couple of nights trying to get him to go home with him. I stopped him last night as he was way too drunk for any person to be takin' home. I sobered him up a bit, ordered him a cab and sent him on his way. The kid doesn't seem like he's with it most of the time, even when sober."
"Hasn't anyone tried to stop that?" Morgan gestured to the display in the corner. The barmaid looked slightly offended.
"He's not exactly complaining. He's letting the guy do what he wants." She furrowed her brows realising she may have said too much. "Anyway, what does it matter to you?" Her assumptions jumped straight to homophobia.
Morgan shook his head.
"I'm a cop, it just looks off, that's all." He lied. Whilst he wasn't happy with it he was also reluctant to interrupt and potentially embarrass Reid by 'outing' him if he wasn't ready.
The barmaid huffed a breath out. "Well, if you want my 'professional' opinion, that kid needs someone looking out for him. Some of the stuff he said the other night, damn near broke my heart. He's not mentally well..." She gestured over to the pair. "But it's not for me to judge how someone handles their personal business. As long as he's not pushing him off, it's his choice." She gave a tight lipped smile and shrugged her shoulders.
Morgan's brows furrowed at what the barmaid said. 'Not mentally well' replayed in his mind along with Rossi's 'he's not well'. His stomach churned. He finally looked back to the pair to see the man leading Reid to the bathroom, his hand around his waist practically directing him. Reid looked completely intoxicated, his feet carelessly tripped him up as he moved.
Morgan held off for a few moments, taking a sip of his drink. This was the perfect opportunity to find out exactly what was going on. He waited another minute for the man and Reid to disappear into the bathroom then stood, downing his beer and placing the empty bottle on the bar.
The barmaid watched him carefully, knowing exactly what he was doing but didn't say anything. She didn't like the situation any more than he did, but she'd seen it so many times during her career she could barely comment anymore. She would only interfere when she could categorically say something untoward was happening. Otherwise, she stayed out of it.
Morgan moved towards the bathroom and pushed the door open. There was no one else in there. One of the cubicles was closed. It made Morgan's heart race. He could hear a quiet voice talking, so he silently positioned himself in the neighbouring cubicle.
"You're so hot, aren't you?" The man whispered. "Come on, baby. You know what I want." He heard the sound of kissing and a body up against the wall of the cubicle. "Don't be shy." The sound of a zipper made Morgan wince. A loud crash came from the cubicle as Reid clearly fell down onto the toilet seat. "Oops, careful." The man said laughing. There was no laughter in return just a slight groan. "You've been teasing me for three nights now, baby. You know what I want, don't you?" A slight mumble followed. It was impossible to discern what it said. "You know how to do it, right?" Again, another mindless mumble. Morgan could only assume it was a sign of approval from Reid. It made his skin crawl. "Good boy." The sound of passionate kissing came from under and over the cubicle wall again. Morgan grimaced. "Don't hold out on me. Kiss me, baby." The kissing clearly started again and the man let out a frustrated groan followed by the sound of feet shifting around and the unbuckling of a belt. "I hope your mouth is gonna do a better job of this." Morgan had heard enough. Regardless of whether Reid wanted this or not, he didn't sound in a fit state to be able to adequately make that judgement for himself.
Emerging from the cubicle, he knocked on the door loudly.
"Hey! You shouldn't be doing that in here!" He heard an irritated groan.
"Get the fuck out of here!" Came back the voice. "This is none of your business!" Morgan rolled his eyes.
"I'm a cop! So I think you'll find that it is my business. Unless you wanna be charged with a misdemeanour you'll leave that cubicle right now." He shouted firmly. He heard the man huff.
"Fine!" The man reluctantly opened the door throwing Morgan a frustrated look. "Happy?" He asked sarcastically, zipping his pants back up and refastening his belt buckle. Morgan stared at him angrily. The man turned, pulling Reid to his feet. He swayed dangerously and leaned heavily onto the man again. The man pulled his arm up around his shoulders. "Come on kid, let's get out of here."
"Leave him right where he is." Morgan ordered. The man stared at him for a few moments and laughed.
"Oh, I see how it is. One rule for you and another for the rest of us." He shoved Reid in his direction like he was a piece of trash. Morgan reached out and caught him under his arms as he tripped over his feet. "He's too drunk anyway. Good luck getting anything out of him." He said, a slight look of jealousy on his face. Then he walked out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
Morgan pulled Reid up to his feet, it was harder than he expected due to his drunken state. After a few moments of struggling, Reid was finally stood, swaying precariously. His eyes were unfocused and his breath was ragged with intoxication. This was the worst he had seen him.
"Reid? What the hell, man? Are you okay?" Reid's wide eyes tried to focus in on Morgan's face.
"Mor-n?" He asked unsurely, his brows furrowing.
"Yeah, it's me kid." Suddenly Reid wrapped his arms around Morgan's neck and pulled him into a tight hug, holding on for dear life. Tears stung Morgan's eyes as he returned it. This was the first hug they had shared since that day of hell. Reid felt so thin under his touch. He was always bony but now he could feel every single rib in his back. He could feel Reid's hot, heavy breath on his neck. He was clearly close to losing consciousness thanks to the amount of alcohol he had seemingly consumed.
"Come on, kid. Let's get you home." He untangled Reid from him and hooked his arm around his neck.
"'m tired." Reid said sloppily, his legs giving way slightly.
"Okay, okay. Come on." He hooked his fingers through Reid's belt above his hip to help support his weight and started walking him out of the bathroom.
The second they emerged from the bathroom the barmaid's scrutinising gaze was on them whilst she poured a drink. She watched as Morgan walked with Reid through the bar, practically dragging him. Suddenly she was around the bar and stood in front of Morgan.
"Woah! Where do you think you're going?" She looked between him and Reid. She grabbed Reid by the wrist and pulled up a bar stool. "Come here, sweetie. Sit down."
Morgan held him tight. "Ma'am, he is my friend and I am taking him home."
"Yeah, like I've never heard that one before."
Morgan let go of Reid's belt and fumbled around for his credentials. Pulling them out of his back pocket, he flipped it open to show her.
"Ma'am, I'm FBI. I need to get this man home." She folded her arms in response, her jaw tightening.
"I don't care if you're Santa Claus. I don't know you and he's going nowhere in that state."
Morgan looked irritated. "Ma'am, I appreciate your concern but he is an FBI agent and my colleague. You can trust me to get him home safely."
A large man then approached. Morgan recognised him as the doorman who had greeted him on his way in.
"Is everything okay here?" He asked firmly, eyeing Morgan up and down.
"I'm just trying to get my friend home." Morgan said, finally frustrated. The doorman leaned in to Reid to try and get his attention.
"Kid? Do you know this man?" Reid's unfocused eyes fell onto the large man and he nodded slowly.
"Morgan?" Reid breathed out, turning to his friend and grabbing onto his shirt.
"It's okay, Reid. We're gonna go home soon." Morgan wrapped his arm back around Reid, replacing his fingers into his belt.
The doorman looked between the two again and then to the barmaid and shrugged. She huffed out a breath and moved out of Morgan's way.
"Thank you." Morgan said, relief sweeping over his features. "And thank you for looking out for him." Morgan gave the barmaid a kind smile. She nodded and gave an unsure smile back.
"Someone needs to." She said brutally.
Morgan felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. If only she knew just how much he had tried. However, now wasn't the time for such a self-serving conversation. He needed to get Reid out of there and into the safety of his home. He started moving, largely holding Reid up. The doorman then took Reid's other arm and slumped it around his shoulders to assist.
"Thanks, man." Morgan said gratefully.
"You need a cab?" The doorman asked.
"No, I have my truck." They reached the outside of the bar and the doorman mirrored Morgan, grabbing Reid by the belt on the other side. His head was now hanging forwards uselessly and he was mumbling to himself.
"Go and get your vehicle. I'll keep hold of him." Morgan hesitated for a moment, his usual protectiveness kicking in. He then let go of Reid and allowed the doorman to take his weight.
"Reid, I'm just going to get the truck. I'll be back in a minute."
"No." He moaned, his eyebrows furrowing deeply and he tried to follow. The doorman kept him in place easily. His hands came up to push at the man's chest to no avail.
"Hey, he will be back in a minute." He said patiently. Tears welled up in Reid's eyes as he drunkenly realised Morgan had left him. The man looked down at him, concerned. He'd seen many drunk men in his time, but none quite like this. He'd never seen a young man look so pained and so desperate.
He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the truck pull out from the car park at the side of the building. Morgan parked it directly in front of them. He moved around the vehicle, returning to reclaim his friend. "See? He's here now." He said comfortingly.
"What's up?" He looked at the man curiously.
"You left and he got upset." Morgan put his hands on either side of his face not caring how strange it might seem to another person.
"Reid, I'm here, kid. Let's get you home." Reid grabbed onto his shirt tightly as if he was the only life line he had. Morgan gently led him with the help of the doorman to the passenger seat. They practically lifted him into it. Morgan buckled him in. Reid's head lolled to the side as soon as it hit the headrest. Morgan suspected he may have finally passed out now he was in the safety of the vehicle. He shut the door and stood for a few moments, trying to gather his thoughts. He took a deep breath.
"He's in a bad way, huh." The doorman said, then shook his head. "Never seen anyone quite like that."
Morgan nodded. "He's had some trauma recently. He's not normally like this." He felt okay explaining this to the man, given that he'd been kind enough to help him out, where a lot of doormen would have just left him on the street to fend for himself.
"Yeah, I figured. Selina was telling me about him last night after she put him in a cab. She said that he had been talking about how in the space of four months he'd, uh, lost his virginity and his count was up to five. She said it didn't sound like he was bragging. More like he was disgusted. She wondered if he had been forced into prostitution or trafficked or something. You hear of things like that sometimes." Morgan put a hand to his head.
"He said that?" Morgan looked at the man, devastated.
"Yeah, that's what she said. She also saw some weird scars on his arm and when she asked about them he looked like he was gonna cry. She said she left it alone after that."
Morgan's eyes watered up as he stared at the man for a few moments.
"I guess that would be the trauma you mentioned..." The man trailed off uncomfortably. Morgan seemed like his mind had briefly wandered as he nodded.
"Yeah... All five and the scars." He said dropping his gaze to the ground. Somehow he just couldn't walk away letting them think Reid was a prostitute. Even if he himself had done nothing to stop the assumption. Perhaps that was how he felt? The thought made Morgan shudder.
The doorman breathed out a deep sigh looking at Reid in the car. He'd already felt sorry for the kid because he seemed so sad. But now... there were no words. Selina would be horrified.
"Get him home and do me a favour?" Morgan glanced up raising his eyebrows in a query. "Don't let him come back here. This is no place for him." He gave a sympathetic smile.
"Thank you for everything." Morgan extended his hand out to the man and he shook it gladly.
He moved back around the vehicle and climbed in. Giving one glance to a now unconscious Reid, he clicked in his seat belt and began the drive home. Tears clouding his eyes the whole way.
Once Reid was home, he had been violently sick for at least half an hour. He looked wrung out. His hair was soaked, sticking to his face and his skin was pale, the only colour was a slight flushing in his cheeks from the alcohol. Morgan knew he was really going to suffer in the morning.
Morgan had been rubbing circles into his back for the last ten minutes as Reid painfully retched and dry heaved into the toilet. It was clear there was nothing more to bring up. Reid pulled himself away from the toilet and his back hit the wall next to it. The cold tile felt good against his skin. He rested his head back and closed his eyes.
"Are you alright?" Morgan asked softly. Reid was breathing heavily.
"Yeah. Finally." Giving a small breathy laugh.
The sickness had helped with the drunkenness. When Morgan had brought him into the house he could hardly string two words together. Now he was sounding a lot more like himself. Morgan grabbed a face cloth and soaked it in cold water. Kneeling down next to Reid he patted it over his face. Reid breathed out a sigh of relief as the soft, wet cloth cooled his skin.
"Thank you." Reid said, his voice still shaky from the sickness. Morgan's lips tightened into a thin line. He was clearly not happy.
He dropped the cloth away from Reid's face and took a sharp inhale.
"What were you thinking, Reid?" He asked, his expression stern.
Reid shifted uncomfortably. "I'm allowed to get drunk from time to time, Morgan. I'm not a child." He answered, words still slurring.
"You know what I mean." Morgan said firmly. "There's drunk and there's paralytic." Reid's brows furrowed. "Drinking that much when you're by yourself is dangerous, Reid. You could have got yourself into trouble."
"I've always managed to get home." Reid said as if he was some sort of seasoned veteran.
"Yeah, tonight because of me and the other nights because of the bar maid. It's not fair to do that to people, kid."
Reid rolled his eyes. "Not fair." He mumbled with a scornful laugh.
"She was worried about you... especially because of that guy." Reid's cheeks flushed and he brought his gaze up to the ceiling. He was clearly uncomfortable with that subject matter.. "What was that, Reid? Why were you making out with some random guy?" Reid's lip quivered a little.
"Why shouldn't I?" He said petulantly.
"Because you were so drunk that he could have done anything to you and you probably wouldn't even remember. That's not the way to do it, Reid... If you want to be with someone then okay, but not like that." Morgan was careful to be extra sensitive around this subject. He still wasn't quite sure exactly what he had seen and heard.
"What difference does it make?" Reid huffed, his head dropping forwards now.
"What difference?" Morgan looked a little exasperated. "It's the difference between finding someone who respects you and someone who is just out for what they can get from you."
Reid laughed sardonically. "Respects me? I don't think that will be happening anytime soon."
"Well it won't if you keep getting yourself in that state. It's just asking for trouble." Morgan's voice was stern. He felt like a father talking to his teenage daughter. "Being that drunk you have no control of the situation."
"I was in control." Reid said firmly.
"It didn't sound to me like you were." Morgan answered equally as firmly. "You could barely talk."
"I didn't need to talk." He murmured.
Morgan's brows furrowed, he paused as he read between the lines. "So what? That was just about sex?" He reached out to Reid's arm but he pulled it away. "Reid, that's not you."
"Not me? That's all I'm good for." Reid's voice held such self-hatred in that moment, Morgan was taken aback. He stared hard at his friend for a few moments.
"So that's what this is?" Morgan said in sudden, painful realisation.
"What 'what' is?" Reid answered, not looking at him.
"Reid, you are not just some 'plaything' for people to mess around with." Reid laughed again. It was a harsh and hateful laugh. "You are not. And I'm not gonna sit back and watch you let people do that to you."
"Do what to me? It was my choice." His voice was laced with disgust.
"So you wanted to sleep with that man?" Reid didn't answer. "Reid?" Morgan prodded.
"At least it would have been my choice!" Reid suddenly shouted in frustration. He still wouldn't look at Morgan.
Morgan was starting to understand what this was all about and it concerned him deeply.
"So what? This is about control? And how do you think you would have felt after? Do you think it would have made you feel better? To have sex with a man you're not even attracted to?"
"Who said I wasn't attracted to him." Reid said weakly.
"Well were you?" Morgan countered quickly. Again, Reid didn't answer, he just looked incredibly unhappy. "Reid, you're straight. You always have been. You're not going to convince me that suddenly you have an attraction to 50 year old men."
"Straight." Reid practically spat, as if it was a complete joke. "How many straight men are covered in marks from male sexual partners?"
"Reid-"
"I've been sodomised by so many different men so many times I stopped counting. How many 'straight' men can say that Morgan?" Reid was practically hissing. The disgust was palpable.
Morgan was stunned. His eyes filled with tears. "They weren't 'sexual partners'. We have had this conversation before, kid."
"What does it matter what they were? It all results in the same thing." Reid said closing his eyes. "It's not like it's something new to me. It's like Bill said, you get used to it the more you do it."
Morgan could have punched something at that moment. He remembered hearing the man saying that. Reid's voice had quietly begged through broken sobs, muttering words of enjoyment while they abused him further, laughing and calling him names the whole time. He wished he had realised how much those words would stick with Reid.
His young colleague was in the strangest state of denial he had ever seen. He was minimising and normalising it so much that he almost viewed his attackers as helpless. As though it was only natural that they would rape him, because what else could they do? He didn't even seem to blame them. No wonder Selina had thought he was a prostitute. Reid clearly viewed himself that way too. Like the choice had been his all along. He was even using the men's first names, which disturbed him greatly. After Jason, he'd been barely able to hear his name. Never mind speak it.
He was going to have to be firm.
"Reid, these men were not sexual partners. They were rapists. Sadistic, power-assertive rapists. They don't count as a 'sexual experience'. You had no choice in it. They forced you. It's not your fault."
"They didn't do it to you though, did they?!" Reid shouted, his eyes now watering up. He fixed Morgan with an angry stare, Morgan felt almost pinned by it. "You were there too! If it was all about the power why wouldn't they do it to you as well?! They did it to me because they could! And they knew it! What the fuck is the point in pretending that I'm anything other than what I am? A 'fuck toy' for anyone who wants it. They saw that video and they knew it. I know it and you know it!" He pulled his gaze away from Morgan and unsteadily pulled himself up using the sink. The hot feeling of heartburn was back in his throat once again and he chided himself for drinking so much so soon after surgery. But no doubt he would do the same again tomorrow.
Morgan was frozen in devastation. Reid moved past him and he reached up and grabbed his wrist, stopping him from leaving the bathroom.
"Reid-"
"Don't!" Reid said angrily, yanking his wrist free.
"This is the drink talking, man." Morgan tried helplessly, standing up to level with his distressed friend.
"Is it?! " Reid shouted right in Morgan's face "You really think so, Morgan?! Why don't you ask your good friend Maloney? I'm sure he told you exactly what I am!" He turned and stormed out of the room.
Morgan followed him. "Reid, listen to me-" Reid starting rushing down the stairs and grabbed his jacket off the hook by the door. "Where do you think you're going?" Morgan raced down the stairs and got between him and the front door putting a hand on his chest.
"Move Morgan." Reid said through gritted teeth. Morgan had never seen him so angry before.
"You need to calm down." Morgan said, trying to remain calm himself but his voice was betraying him. Reid tried manoeuvring around him and grabbed at the door handle but Morgan moved him back easily using his body weight.
"You're not going anywhere, kid. It's 1am!" Morgan said, counteracting every move Reid made to try and get around him. It was only frustrating the younger man more. Reid shoved at him, he barely moved. This just made Reid break out into a mad laugh.
"You want to keep me here? What for? You want it too? They said you would." Morgan looked into Reid's eyes completely horrified. Before he could even register it, Reid's hands were grabbing the buckle of his belt. Panic rose in Morgan's chest and he automatically hit out, the back of his hand collided with the side of Reid's head knocking him down to the wooden floor of the hallway.
"What the hell was that?!" Morgan shouted furiously, his voice laced with utter panic. He put his hands to his belt to tuck in the end that Reid had untucked. He was in complete disbelief. Reid crawled away and up the stairs, somewhat resting against them holding his temple. "What the hell were you thinking?!" Morgan was still shouting. The shock of what Reid had just done mixed with his own trauma creating a melting pot of anger and pure horror. "Don't you ever do that to me again, you hear me?!" Reid didn't respond. Morgan moved forward and grabbed Reid by the chin, forcefully turning his head up to face him. "Do you hear me?!" Reid's eyes were emotionless. Seemingly blank. Morgan blinked at the expression for a few moments. It hit him like a truck. It knocked any anger out of him but nothing replaced it. He was completely at a loss. The person in front of him was not Reid .
Reid's gaze just dropped away to the floor. He rubbed at his neck as the lump in his throat felt like it was going to close his windpipe. Morgan's mouth had dropped open. He couldn't believe that Reid would grab his belt like that with every intention of performing a sexual act and not even flinch. It worried him deeply. He had no idea who this person was.
"What is wrong with you?" Morgan gasped, grabbing the sides of his face. "This isn't you."
Reid pulled his face away from Morgan's grasp and turned, crawling up a couple more stairs. Before he could try to stand up, Morgan stopped him, grabbing the leg of his pants. The whole display was pathetic.
"Reid." He said softly, feeling his friend's body completely frozen under his touch. He tugged gently on the fabric trying to coax him to stay. "Please."
Reid felt the ache in his throat radiating down into his chest and he breathed hard against it, trying to swallow it down. It felt like it was going to crush him. As he breathed, his body started to tremble. His next few breaths started hitching and tears prickled his eyes. He felt the lump in his throat crawling up towards his mouth and a loud painful sob burst forth as he collapsed onto the stairs, burying his face in his forearm. The tsunami of devastation finally rolled over him. Drowning him.
Morgan watched as his friend tried to wrestle with his emotions, desperately holding them back to the point of causing himself physical pain. He had built up such a barrier since the attack that once it cracked, a lake was sure to be on the other side. As he heard him sob, his stomach twisted and he dropped himself down onto the stairs next to him, putting his hand on his back.
Reid was sobbing loudly now, almost wailing. His whole body shuddering. Morgan couldn't find any words of comfort, the emotions were overwhelming him too. He felt tears creeping down his cheeks. The things Reid had said tonight had killed him. To hear him talk that way about himself, with such hatred and disrespect, it was the last thing he ever wanted to hear. Although it explained a lot.
In trying to protect himself, Reid had done even more damage. He'd entered a cesspool of self-loathing which made it easier not to feel anything at all. His head told him he deserved it. He deserved the pain, the suffering and he deserved to be used. The alcohol amplified those feelings ten fold. So when a lecherous older man came his way, it was easy to punish himself again. Like some warped method of self-harm. It made him feel even worse about himself. Which somehow made him feel better. Because at least he was doing it to himself this time. He was in control of it. Or at least he told himself that.
When Reid had reached for Morgan's belt buckle intending to undo his pants and sink to his knees, that was the ultimate play of self-harm. Morgan was starting to realise that. Reid was in a terrifying place, and it scared Morgan deeply. He felt awful for hitting him now.
He traced circles on Reid's back, but it seemed to only make him cry harder.
"Reid? Come on, breathe." Morgan's broken voice spoke reassuringly. Reid was practically hyperventilating. His face was still buried in his forearm, his other hand was wrapped around the back of his head grasped into his hair, completely concealing himself from view. Morgan gently untangled the hand from his hair and moved it, trying to get Reid to open up a little. "Come on, kid." Reid grasped onto his hand so tightly Morgan winced. He then put his other hand to Reid's shoulder, trying to encourage him to sit up. Reid allowed the movement and raised his head slightly from his forearm, letting go of Morgan's hand to allow himself to sit up properly. His face was splotchy and red, his eyes and nose were streaming. He wiped at his face as he sat up and repositioned himself to lean against the bannister. He was breathing in small hiccups now.
"I'm – so – sorry." He sniffled out between hiccups. Then his breathing picked up again and short and sharp breaths were escaping his mouth. He was completely distraught. Morgan's face scrunched up in upset as more tears worked their way down his face.
"None of that." Morgan said, putting a hand to his knee. Morgan took a deep breath. "Reid, you need to calm down your breathing... Look at me." He said firmly. He did, but it only led to more tears leaving his eyes and another shattered sob bursting out. Reid squeezed his eyes shut as his body racked with more painful sobs. His hands were crawling across to Morgan, one gripping onto the leg of his pants and the other finding purchase on his forearm. Morgan leaned closer, inviting Reid in. He accepted and desperately wrapped his arms around Morgan's chest, burying the side of his face into his shoulder.
Morgan's breath hitched as he did. He'd never felt anything quite so desperate. He wrapped an arm around Reid's back and placed the other on the side of his head, stroking gently as his friend continued to sob. Morgan had been wrong. This wasn't a lake, this was an ocean. Silent tears rolled down Morgan's face as he thought of everything that had been done to him. The cruelty, the violence, the rapes, the taunts, the humiliation, the threats. Every single thing had wounded Reid deeply and this was the result. And the worst thing was that if those men saw Reid like this, they would only taunt him further. That's what was so sickening about it all. How they could pull apart a human being so wholly and not feel a thing. It tore Morgan's heart into a million pieces, but to them, this would just be entertainment. Probably funny.
He rocked him tenderly for a long time until the sobs began to subside a little and he felt Reid's body going limp.
"Reid?" He asked gently. "Do you want to sleep?"
He just moaned and nodded into his chest. The combination of alcohol, distress and exhaustion finally took hold. As much as Morgan wanted to talk about everything that had happened tonight, now was not the time.
"Okay, kid. Come on." He released Reid and moved his arms further down to this waist to pull him up. Reid groaned as he was pulled up to standing. His legs were incredibly unsteady. "Can you get up the stairs Reid?" His head was hanging forward and his eyes were closed. He looked like death. There was nothing pretty about trauma, drunkenness or exhaustion. Altogether they made a very ugly picture. In response, Reid's hand went out to the bannister and he started ascending the stairs on the shakiest legs Morgan thought he'd ever seen. He looked like he'd collapse any second. He briefly wondered if he should just pick him up and carry him, but thought better of it. Even in his drink addled state he didn't think Reid would appreciate that sudden loss of control. So he instead supported him with a firm arm around his waist, much like he had at the bar earlier that evening. Taking most of his weight he practically lifted him up each and every step. Despite Reid's lithe build, it wasn't easy. It was awkward and Reid wasn't the least bit helpful. By the time they reached the top, Reid was nearly unconscious again. The emotions had clearly wiped him out. He'd been working so hard to keep them at bay that he didn't have anything left. Mixing that with the copious amounts of alcohol, it was amazing that Reid had managed a conversation tonight at all. It was clear that pure adrenaline had been running the show, now that was gone all that was left was a limp puppet.
Reid clumsily slung his arms around Morgan's shoulders as if he was going to fall asleep right at the top of the stairs in a standing position. His eyes were closed and his breathing was entering that swallow sleep stage. He rested his forehead against Morgan's chest.
"Reid, stay awake for me. Just a bit further. You cant fall asleep at the top of the stairs."
"Ohh." Reid moaned, pulling a face and collapsed himself down onto the floor, leaning against Morgan and threading his arms around his legs hugging them tightly.
Reid had seemingly entered the irritating drunk stage. The one where come hell or high water, a drunk person just wants to sleep and everywhere but their own bed seems to be the ideal sleeping spot.
"No, Reid. Come on now." He grabbed his arms and unwrapped them from his legs and tried pulling him back up. Reid just moaned in response and shook his head, making himself even more limp than he already was. He was going to fall asleep there in the upstairs hallway. Morgan rolled his eyes and huffed. Bending down he scooped one arm under Reid's knees and the other around his back and lifted him off the ground.
Morgan was surprised at how light he was. It hadn't been that easy to manoeuvre him around when he was on his feet, but in this position, there really wasn't much to him at all. Again that thought made him sad when he compared him to the large men who had been forcing themselves on him. He really hadn't stood a chance yet they still completely brutalised him. Reid's head lolled against his chest as he carried him into the bedroom.
Reid murmured a small 'no' as his brain distantly recognised that he was no longer in control but his body didn't resist.
Morgan dropped him down gently onto the bed and Reid automatically flopped onto his side. Morgan pulled his shoes off and turned out the lamp at the side of the bed.
"Okay, kid. Get some sleep." He said gently, running a hand through his hair. As he turned to leave the room he was stopped by fingers grasping his pants again. Looking down he saw Reid's unfocused eyes looking at him, tears running down his cheeks again.
"Don't leave me." He slurred in a broken voice, a small hitching sob escaped.
Morgan was exhausted. He really needed sleep. But he couldn't ignore that request. It felt like an eternity since Reid had allowed him to even come near him. Never mind rely on him for comfort.
"Okay." He said gently. "I'm not going anywhere." Reid clumsily shuffled himself across the bed, making it clear that he was happy for Morgan to join him. Morgan held off for a moment. He wasn't sure if this was just a bit too intimate. He was pretty sure Reid wouldn't be comfortable with this if his blood alcohol level wasn't through the roof. The last thing he wanted to do was confirm Reid's thoughts that Morgan was just going to use him too.
Pushing those thoughts back, he reluctantly climbed onto the bed, arranging a pillow against the headboard so he was sitting up. He jumped a little as Reid's hand grasped his shirt at his stomach.
Reid's breath was hitching again, little breaths showing he was still crying. Morgan moved to stroke his head, as soon as he did Reid pulled himself towards him, wrapping an arm across his stomach and resting his head on his chest. He felt the younger man's body shivering and pulsing in time with his upset breaths.
"Shhh, its okay. Shhh..." Morgan whispered gently, stroking his head. He had tried to keep his distance out of respect for his friend, but it was clear that Reid desperately needed the physical comfort. It wasn't surprising given that the most recent physical contact he had with anyone involved brutality. Morgan gently wrapped his arm around his best friend's shoulder. Reid's body began to still and finally Morgan could feel him drifting off to sleep. Letting out a relieved breath, Morgan looked down and closed his eyes. His mind went back to being handcuffed to the radiator and watching Maloney push that gun into Reid's mouth. He had wanted nothing more than to go back to a moment like this where Reid was protected and safe. He opened his eyes, surveying the mess that was Spencer Reid, huddled into his chest, finally sleeping peacefully. Tear tracks covered his cheeks, his eyes were swollen and skin was blotchy. He placed and gentle kiss on the top of his head.
"Sleep tight, kid." He whispered, then tipped his head back and closed his eyes.