I don't know why, but for the past few months, I've been eating a lot. Whenever I get home, I have this impulse to just eat. I don't know when exactly it started or why. I didn't even really realize I was doing it until Katsuki said something about how I'm a bottomless pit.

I should talk to my therapist about it.

Katsuki's doing a lot better, but he still has moments where he suddenly starts breaking down. It seems like it's out of the blue, but it isn't. It's when certain things trigger some of his memories, and he cries as he tries to tell me about his memories with his hoarse, sobbing voice.

One time, we were sitting on the couch watching TV, and he suddenly broke into tears. We weren't watching anything sad. An ad for a romance show came on, and while he initially chuckled and said he used to watch those shitty, cliche romance shows as a kid, he teared up as he was saying it and covered his mouth. He told me those shows were his mom's favorite, and that whenever he was put into a time-out, he'd be forced to sit and watch those shows with his mom. He said he always said he thought they were stupid, boring, cliche, all with the same premise, and gross, but he laughed through his tears about how he'd secretly grown to enjoy them as well. Even though all the shows were heteronormative, watching them was one of his guilty pleasures, despite how he continued to vehemently insist to his mom that he hated them and still thought they were stupid.

Whenever he breaks down, I just hug him tight and don't say anything. Or sometimes I whisper that I love him when he's gone without talking for a while.

Moments like those always remind me of my sister. I tune out the memories before I really remember what I was reminded of, though.

Wait. No. I'm realizing something. That's when I started having these weird compulsions to go and eat. When Katsuki started to break down and tell me about his memories with his mom. Every time, I'm reminded of my sister.

Am I drowning out my memories with her by eating? But why food? Why not cutting? Or drugs? Or alcohol? Why are there no suicidal urges during those times? I don't get it. Why the sudden urge to eat? Of all things? Why has this never happened before? Why now?

No. No. That's right. Fuyumi used to do this when she was overwhelmed. I forgot. I completely forgot. She got that habit from Mom.

Now I'm doing it too.

Katsuki says that even though remembering breaks him, because he has me, he feels, in a way, healed by just being able to grieve safely, comfortably, and in what feels to him like loving arms. He'd never cried over his mom before, and he weeps over the fact that he wishes he could've done more for her and been strong enough to tell her to her face that he was grateful for her and loved her. He says that knowing he couldn't do that will always kill him, but that being able to cry over her and think like he does now is helping him through it. Even though he never would've deigned to do this in the past, the act of doing it now is proof of his growth and appreciation.

He's grateful that he's able to truly appreciate his mom now, even though he wants to hate the world for taking his mother away to begin with. He cries, knowing he wasn't able to truly appreciate everything Mitsuki did for him when she was still alive, and knowing she'll never know the truth. He said her death only sank in when he realized how much he wanted to say, how much he was grateful for, how many regrets he had from both spoken and unspoken words, and a lot of other reasons I can't fully remember right now.

He said that he absolutely fucking hates himself for how he treated his mom, and that he never wants to do something like that to anyone he loves again. He hugged me, and after letting out these ugly sobs, he promised me he'd never take me for granted, and that he'd make sure I knew just how fucking grateful he is for me, how much he loves me, and how much I mean to him.

But I don't want that. I would rather go back to getting beaten. I don't deserve this. Something as selfish as me that's forgotten its place and stepped out of line shouldn't be allowed to live. But I still don't know if that's driven more by wanting to die or anything else.

Either way, Katsuki's found his "tomorrow." This was his way out from the painful night. This was his light at the end of the tunnel. This was his strength to bear the brunt of the world he didn't want to see anymore.

Katsuki's grief is the sun, and his will to live is his tomorrow.

Me? It's nothing as grandiose as that. Nor would I want it to be.

Well, I talked to my therapist a few hours after writing all that, and apparently I'm using dissociation and other distractions like eating and taking care of Katsuki to repress my memories of my sister. Of my wedding. Of my abuse. My therapist says I might have suddenly taken up eating as a coping mechanism since I unconsciously knew my sister did the same thing, and in a way, doing this would keep her and my memories of her alive without consciously tapping into those times.

I'm copying her to keep a part of her here with me. To try and live vicariously through her, in a sense. To try and feel what she wanted me to feel, even if, ironically, this has just been a pain suppressant.

Is it? I find it hard to believe. I have no reason to do any of this. I don't care that she died. I don't care about my wedding. I don't care about how I was abused. I've moved on. It doesn't matter to me.

Or am I just telling myself that I don't care to keep myself together?

No. I don't care about any of it. There's no reason to.

Let me remember her, my wedding, and my abuse as proof that I don't.