A chapter Request, this is a past and future chapter! Starting with the past
Lacey
Ever since I could remember my mom was telling me that I liked girls, it was all I knew, I was 5 the first time she told me. "Lacey honey we like girls in this family" she said. "What do you mean mommy?" I asked, "I mean we date girls; you will have girlfriends instead of boyfriends" she said, I never replied I was trying to figure this out. I felt like I had no choice in the end, I mean I am 5 so why am I even thinking about this now. I decided that I wanted to have short hair and dress more like a boy. If I was going to like girls in the end I might as well not care. I had no friends, and my mom always had girls over. I was born to believe I was a lesbian, and I started to believe it myself. I knew I had a brother out there and he scared me to say the least, I had no idea what he was doing. He lived with his dad; me I was told I was a science baby. So, my father was nonexistent and I mean I didn't really care, I wanted to get to know my brother. Every time I went to school, I wanted to talk to him so badly, but something stopped me from doing that, I just didn't know if he knew I was his sister. I decided to not say anything, but I did notice one boy and he seemed to be struggling a lot, and I wanted to talk to him. I did once and I told him I was in the same boat. I was made fun of constantly for the way I dressed, it was hard for people to know if I was a boy or a girl. I wanted the confusion because at this point, I didn't know anything; I am just being told of who I should be. It doesn't mean it is who I want to be. I look at both boys and girls and I feel nothing, I feel as if maybe I will never find someone because I have this all in my damn head.
I am being told I am a lesbian and maybe I am, but I just don't know anything, I am still a child so I feel like if I am told now that this is what I am then I will believe I will be in the future. Only time can tell, my mom is a lesbian all the way she even does things in front of me sure it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like she is doing it to show me, this is the way to live. I am more confused now about everything and I dress like this to hide my true self. My mom is okay with it and I feel like if I changed it now, I would make her think I didn't support her, and I am not even sure at this point. Every year she asks me if there are any girls I like and every year I shrug it off, it is beginning to make me think she wants me to bring a girl home just so she can see that I am with her. At this point I am not sure of anything; I am a girl I know that but I didn't know how I felt. When I turned 10 my brother moved in with us, and I felt like he was the weirdest person in the world. He kept trying to win me over, and my mom was all into his plans. She kept saying oh it's okay Lacey is with us. I mean whatever mom, but I am not sure at this point of anything, Zachary started to take me under his wing and take me to his friend's places. That is when I became closer to Ryder, I talked to him more and this made me even more confused, there was Timothy and Tanner brothers. Gia who kind of rubbed me the wrong way, she kept flirting with Ryder, and I didn't like that at all, that made me question myself. Zachary who I felt I had no choice but to follow along, his dog Spruce who was huge and he also felt connected to Ryder. I mean at this point I knew nothing, Milton who was older and he was doing literally everything for Zachary. He was building things for him and making Zachary stronger hell he was even helping him rob things. I just felt like something was going on, but I of course couldn't say anything because he is my brother. I think my mom would destroy me if I threw her precious on under the table.
I know my mom lost custody of him and she tried so hard to get him back, she would bend over backwards to please him, he was her prized possession. I felt like she had me so that she could rub off her lesbian onto me, so that she had someone to manipulate. I am now 14 and I am even more confused about everything. Zachary invited us to a pool party, and I knew Ryder was going to it, and I changed my swimsuit like 10 times. I wanted to look cute for him, but I also didn't want to show too much. I then changed into a one piece, and I hated the way it made me look; I felt gross. I put a bikini on, and it made me uncomfortable, but I had to do it. I knew that this was the moment if truth for me if I was a lesbian or not, I had to see if Gia or Ryder reacted better. I thought both were cute, but this real test was to decide if I was straight or gay. I made my way to the party and the first one I ran into was Timothy. "Wow you are wearing that?" he said, "yeah it's a bathing suit" I said, "that is not something a lesbian would wear are you sure you are one?" he asked, "shut up" I said and he laughed, he was going to ruin me I felt that he was making me annoyed. Ryder came and damn did he look sexy, I couldn't help but stare, I was in awe he was sexy, but he had scars, but they made him sexier if that was even possible. Ugh this was it the do or die moment for me. I noticed Ryder leave and that was weird I had to wonder if it was me, and I felt sad, Zachary arrived, and he left. Was he suspicious of him? I had no idea anymore but an hour later he came back I was relieved. We all talked and some of them swam, I stared at Ryder the whole time, he was watching my brother, he was trying to read him. I knew that if I was going to do anything I needed to talk to him. So, I walked over to Ryder, and I had to walk past Timothy, and he tripped me, I fell but I was caught, and I looked up to see Ryder holding me. I think I turned like 50 shades of red, I was so embarrassed, "Oh I knew you weren't a lesbian" Timothy said, "shut up" I said and Ryder left, was he feeling it too. Like oh my lord that was the worst thing ever, but it felt good, I felt like he was the one for me. I knew in that moment I was not a lesbian and no matter how many times my mother drilled it into my head I was not her. I walked out surprised to see Ryder still in the hall, we talked for a few seconds, and I leaned in and kissed him. It felt so good, I knew that I needed to tell him how I felt. He left after the kiss and this had me questioning everything, but I knew what I wanted, and I knew that I needed to tell him how I felt. I knew that Ryder and I were going to be together we just had to be, from now on I was going to dress differently, and I was going to let my hair grow, it was almost at my shoulders now. I was going to be so sexy for Ryder that was something I knew but hiding this from my mom was needed. I also worried how Zachary would treat Ryder if he knew but he was sketchy to me, and I felt like Ryder and I needed to talk about it. I wanted something to bring to the table and I hoped he liked me too I needed him too. I felt like I was on cloud nine and I was in love with him, I felt butterflies when I looked at him, I was not a lesbian and that I knew for sure!