"Sam"
"Cmon Sammy, wake up"
"Wake up, dammit!" With a start, Sam opened his eyes. Disoriented he looked down at himself. He was lying on his back on the living room couch. How did he get here? Sam started sitting up but aborted the movement almost instantly. Ow.
"Hey, take it easy." Sams eyes snapped to Dean – who was crouching next to the couch. Before he could wonder how he did not noticed him there before, the memory of what had happened slammed into him. Involuntarily, Sam flinched back. And froze. The look on Deans face was...had he been crying? Sam had never seen Dean like this. He looked devastated.
Slowly, Dean leaned away from him – slightly lifting his open hands as if surrendering. Were his hands trembling? When Sam took a closer look he noticed that – not only did Deans hands shake but so did the rest of his body. Dean opened his mouth but nothing came out.
"Are you okay?" Dean closed his mouth with an audible click, then opened it again.
"Am I okay? Are you serious right now?"
"Youre shaking" Sam said with a shrug.
"And you are bruised all to hell because I…" Dean stopped mid sentence and averted his eyes.
"Its okay, Dean. I had…" before Sam could finish his sentence Dean jumped to his feet and started pacing.
"No! Its not okay and if you say you had it coming one more time…" Dean stopped in front of Sam – who had managed to sit up on the couch by then. He stared at his little brother with fierceness in his eyes.
"Im sorry Sammy. Im sorry for not talking about Dad. Im sorry for ignoring you. Im sorry for...for hurting you. I dont know what happened. I was just so angry." Dean must have seen something in Sams eyes because he stepped closer, kneeled down to be at eye level, and went on insistently.
"I was angry. I was so fucking angry. But not at you. I didnt mean what I said, Sammy. I know you loved Dad. And I understood why you left back then...I was so fucking proud of you. I still am. I dont blame you for leaving and I dont blame you for Dad dying. It wasnt your fault."
Stunned silence.
"Wasnt your fault either" Sam murmurs.
"What?" Dean had not expected that and Sam used that opportunity to carry on.
"It wasnt your fault Dean. Do you think I didnt notice how you isolated yourself? How you stopped talking, stopped eating and sleeping. Started drinking. How you got angrier by the day. And how you threw yourself into work – fixing the car. I did the same thing when Jess…" Sam closed his eyes for a beat. Then refocussed on Dean who was still kneeling in front of him – frozen into place.
"I did the same thing when Jess died. I blamed myself for so long and I was this close to doing permanent damage." Deans eyes went wide and he opened his mouth. But before he could utter a single word, Sam continued.
"Not on purpose. But I was self-destructing nonetheless. You helped. Its still not great but I know it wasnt my fault." Sam took a deep breath and continued.
"When I realised the path you were on...I wasnt sure what to do. I tried talking to you but you just ignored me. It got worse and worse. You became numb to the world and I had to do something. So I did what I knew would work – knowing it could get violent."
"Your provoked me. By implying it was my fault." Dean said it so quietly Sam had difficulties understanding him – even though they were right in front of each other.
"I did. I needed to get you talking, to open up. And yes, maybe what you said hit me harder than I thought it would but it was worth it."
"But I also actually hit you" Dean insisted but the fierceness had left his body leaving him drained.
"That was an outcome I was expecting. Still, I would do it again" Sam said with a smile.
"Please dont" Dean said shaking his head but unable to hide his smile. Then his smile dropped.
"And even if you did...I wont hurt you again. I swear. It was like I blacked out for a moment and when I came to you were on the ground. And when I reached for you...I dont want to see that look on your face ever again. I get that I was angry and numb. And yes, I blamed myself for Dad dying. I still do. I wanted to scream, I wanted to break something, I wanted to hurt...But I never wanted to hurt you." Dean took a deep breath and leant his forehead against Sams.
"I am sorry Sammy."
Sams right hand reached for the back of Deans head and pressed him even closer.
"I forgive you Dean."
Well, there you have it! I hope you enjoyed this fic - leave a review if you like and as always: take care yall!
Btw, I am sorry for the reeeally long wait. I got distracted by university - lectures, writing my bachelor thesis, more lectures, and now writing my master thesis