Camelot

October, 505 AD

[warning: descriptions of declining mental health]

My body shook with sobs as I laid on my bed, curled up around my Captain America pillow with an unbearable pain spreading through my chest (and my arm, but I tried to ignore that one). I know that it's all due to the consequences of my own foolish decisions. I never should've gotten so close to Merlin. And I never, ever should've gotten close to Arthur.

There's an alternate reality in which I kept my distance from the start, returned to Texas eventually, and stayed there to live a 'normal' life. What's considered 'normal' for a person of my generation, anyways. The numb feeling I always carried with me before life went bananas was a million times better than the anguish brought on by the fear of losing Merlin and Arthur.

Panic attacks had become so rare for me over the past three-or-so years. Now I feel like a fifteen-year-old girl locked inside the school bathroom while battling to breathe all over again. I never wanted to feel this way again, and I knew that I could've avoided it, but I still put myself in this position. I'm the only one to blame!

I'm almost cursed, y'know? Cursed to lose everyone I care about. It's all that's ever happened. And, sure, Merlin and Arthur returned this time; but I bet they won't be so lucky the next, or the next, or the next… It's only a matter of time until one of them – or both – is ripped apart by an army of zombie knights, or by a dragon… I'd rather not stick around to find out…

What's the point of it all, anyways? What's the point of being with Arthur if he's gonna be married off to a princess eventually? Or, worse, he's inevitably going to realise that he could do so much better than me. And then what? It's best if I rip off the band-aid now. Before the four-letter-word gets out.

Dallas is the one I could never separate myself from. It'd be like carving out my soul. So, if I leave Camelot and find someplace where he and I can live safely… perhaps he can live a full life away from the danger I keep placing him in. Of course, there's always the possibility that he'll get sick… or get into a freak accident…

I was suddenly gasping for air again while my heart-beat accelerated. Black spots started to cloud my vision.

I heard a knock at the door, "Astra?" It was Merlin.

I wanted to tell him to go away, but I couldn't speak as I gasped for air.

"Astra!"

Perfect timing!

I grabbed my thermos off my nightstand and splashed some cool water in my face just as Merlin magically broke through the locked door.

"Are you all right?! What happened?!" he asked as he rushed to my side, looking awfully concerned as he scanned my face. I still couldn't reply as I panted heavily to recover from the momentary lung failure. "Do you need me to get Gaius?!"

The worst part of it all is that I'm a total burden for everyone! It was that way for Uncle Gustab and Aunt Kelly for most of my life, and now the load is on Merlin, Gaius, Arthur… Uther, too, I guess. There's no way they truly enjoy having me around, right? They only keep me around out of pity! It's so obvious now!

"I'm fine," I finally told Merlin in a whispered mumble. "I need to be alone."

I flinched when he pressed a hand to my forehead, "Are you sick again?"

"I'm fine," I repeated through gritted teeth. "Leave me alone."

"Astra–"

"Merlin, go!"

He let out a clearly frustrated sigh, but thankfully didn't argue further and he left the room.

See what I mean? All I do is drive them crazy and stress them out! They'd be so much better off without me!

After not sleeping a wink all night and instead numbing my brain by watching Marvel movies the whole time; I finally got out of bed when the first strokes of sunlight started to filter through the drapes and went into my closet so that I could change into clean clothes.

I've reflected that the best course of action is probably to move to another kingdom. Preferably without anyone ever finding out where I went, and there I can live out my days as a recluse. Maybe I'll find an abandoned cabin in the woods and figure out a way to grow my own food. Or maybe I don't have to be so drastic, y'know? I could find a job somewhere else working with horses and just make sure I never get close to anyone ever again. I'll probably die at, like, thirty from the flu, or whatever, and that'll be the end of it. Who's gonna care, anyways?

My eyes widened when I took off my hoodie and saw how swollen and bruised my right forearm was; a sight that caused me to feel slightly dizzy all of a sudden. I should probably get that looked at… but I don't wanna face anyone today. I have to start weaning myself off people. I'll just get it checked when I find a new place to live.

I finished changing, brushed my teeth, and redid my braid; and then I snuck into the library so that I could steal a map of medieval Britain. I need to figure out if there's a place where I could live a dignified rest of my life. I know that Cenred's kingdom is kinda chaotic, so that's not an option. I'm not sure what Mercia is like… Would King Olaf maybe give me refuge? But I'd rather not be around anyone who's met me before. I need a clean slate.

I rolled up the map and stuffed it into the pocket of my hoodie before sneaking out of the castle and going towards the horse paddocks. If I want to avoid everyone I've foolishly grown to care about, I can't be here. Dallas and I will spend the day out, settle down somewhere while I analyse my options, and then we'll return at night once everyone's gone to bed.

Just this once, I decided not to bother saddling my horse, since my injured arm would most definitely make that task very tedious. So I simply cleaned his hooves and slid his neck-rope on before leading him towards a wooden stool that would help me climb on without much acrobatics.

"Astra!" I heard Arthur's voice in the distance and I clenched my jaw while mentally cursing my heart for skipping a beat. It can't feel like this anymore! It's not good!

I tried to ignore him as I got on my horse, but that became impossible when he blocked my path as I tried to get away.

"Where are you going?" he questioned. "Merlin said that you are sick!"

"I'm not sick," I promised in a low tone, not meeting his gaze lest my heart start acting like an idiot again.

"Well, you certainly do not look all right," he countered as he moved to my side and placed a hand on my knee. I tensed up.

"Aren't you a charmer?" I muttered and nudged my horse onwards now that the path ahead was clear.

"Astra, wait!" the Prince protested.

"Leave me alone," I grumbled and asked Dallas for more speed.

Rebellious tears streamed down my cheeks as my body trembled while I read through the map, my arm feeling like it was being hammered repeatedly and without mercy, and my soul feeling like it'd been thrown into a burning shredder.

Ironically, I wish I could go back in time and make different choices so that I never end up in Camelot. I would stand up to Leo, Mason and Henry when they try to use me as their guinea pig for stupid time-travel, and I would never end up in the past. I have a feeling that things don't work that way, however. In any case, I have no way of contacting the nerds so that they can somehow undo everything. I slapped myself with my left hand in an attempt to stop the crying, and then I continued reading through the map.

'Gawant' sounds like a nice place to live… 'Caerleon' sounds all right, too… 'Nemeth'…

The pain in my arm started to get worse and it made me whimper as I squeezed my eyes shut and dug my teeth into my bottom lip.

It's embarrassing to admit, but I don't think I can go on like this. I need to go to Gaius…

Oh, crap, but he'll see the scars! He can't see the scars! No one can see the scars! I'd rather cut off my entire arm!

I can just ask him for an ointment and a bandage, and take care of everything myself. I mean, I doubt he can do much to fix me, anyways. There are no x-rays or casts. Could my arm be broken?! Nah, I'm sure it's only bruised.

With a sigh of resignation, I somehow managed to get back on Dallas and we cantered back to the castle. The short-but-demanding journey made me realise how hungry and slightly dizzy I was feeling. I haven't had anything to eat since dinner two nights ago, I think… When Balinor was still alive… See? Anyone can die in an instant. Never get attached.

I stumbled into Gaius's apartment and steadied myself against a table when he turned to me with widening eyes. He scanned me for a moment while I gave a forced half-grin, and he finally sighed, "Oh, you foolish girl, what have you done now?"

"I didn't do anything," I waved him off in an admittedly weak voice. "I just need an ointment for a minor bruise I have."

He raised a sceptical eyebrow, "I know you. You would not be coming to me if it was minor."

I rolled my eyes, "Fine, it's a bit bigger than that, but it's fine."

"Where is the bruise?" he questioned while taking a few steps closer to me.

"Not tellin' ya'," I replied. "I don't need you to look at it. I just need something to help it heal."

"Astra–"

"Gaius, please, I'm not in the mood."

He sighed in frustration and he moved to get some things from a cabinet. I plopped down at the kitchen bench while I waited and my stomach grumbled at the passing thought of food. I'll just snack on the pack of Oreos I have in my room.

It wasn't long before Gaius handed me the ointment, and I decided not to ask for the bandage out of fear that he'd press harder to check the bruise, so I simply thanked him in a whisper and moved to leave the room. Only, he stopped me by speaking again, "Find Merlin and let him know that you are back. He and Arthur have been worried about you."

"Yes, sir," I responded with a sigh, and I finally exited, heading straight for my room.

Once there, I locked the door again and let out a shaky sigh before slowly and carefully taking off my hoodie so that I could expose my arm. I'm not sure if it was the darker lighting, but I could swear that the bruising was worse than it'd been in the morning. I bit down on my bottom lip as I opened the ointment jar, and I took a generous amount of the paste before cautiously smearing it on my arm. I flinched as soon as I made contact and I inhaled sharply from the increased pain.

I guess it's a fitting punishment for getting attached to people, though.

I was pulling my hoodie back on when a knock sounded at the door. I froze completely and didn't make a sound. Maybe if whoever it is – likely Arthur or Merlin – thinks that I'm not here, they'll go away.

"Lady Astraea?" I heard a different voice – Sir Leon's. With a huff, I went to open the door and I raised an expectant eyebrow. "You are needed in the council chambers," he informed. I noticed that he looked slightly confused and perhaps a bit worried.

"Can't it wait?" I asked.

"I am afraid not, my lady."

I sighed, "All right," and I reluctantly followed him down the corridor and down the stairs.

My jaw dropped in an instant when I entered the room to find none other than Lionelo Hargrove, his body cowering and almost trembling as he stood before two stern-looking Pendragons. I must be dreaming! Have all my prayers been answered?! Will I be able to get out of this chaotic place for good?!

"L-leo?" I said, causing all heads to snap my way.

"Astraea!" Arthur gasped and he dashed towards me.

I backed away, not wanting to melt in his arms for fear that I'd never be able to leave, and I held out my uninjured arm to stop him, "Easy, Prince Charming."

A lump instantly formed in my throat and my heart shattered at the hurt look that crossed his face, and I wanted nothing more than to hug him tightly and kiss him – screw what Uther might think! But I can't. I shouldn't. Ever doing it was a mistake. I can't four-letter-word him.

"Where have you been, Astraea?" Uther questioned with a hardened look.

"Out," I answered with a shrug.

He huffed and shook his head. "Your friend showed up unannounced and demanded to see you, but he refuses to provide further explanation," he stated while motioning towards Leo.

I turned towards my former classmate and raised an eyebrow, "What're ya' doin' here, dude?"

"Hey, Astra," he greeted cordially. "We need to talk."

"Sure," I nodded.

"In private…"

"Right," I realised as my eyes widened. "I guess we can go to my room–"

"That is hardly appropriate!" Arthur interjected in a sudden outburst, which caused me to recoil.

"Okay," I mumbled. "Then we can go outside."

I didn't wait for any possible further protests as I grabbed Leo's arm and tugged him out of the room, leading him towards a balcony where we could talk away from prying ears. I made sure that we hadn't been followed before gesturing for him to start speaking.

"How have you been?" he asked, appearing slightly troubled.

"Been worse," I replied with a shrug. "What's going on?"

He sighed, "I know you said you never wanted to go back…"

Does this mean I really get to go back!? Forget about everything and live out the rest of my days as the recluse I'm meant to be?! This couldn't have happened at a better time!

"…But your Uncle is in very bad shape and he wants to see you one last time."

The oxygen was knocked out of my lungs once more at the impact of his words, which felt like an angry tidal wave enveloping me and dragging me into the depths of the Pacific Ocean. "What d'ya mean? What happened?!"

"Heart disease…" he replied with a sad look, not meeting my expectant gaze as he looked down at something in the forest beyond the castle walls. I bit down on my bottom lip in an effort to keep tears from pooling in my eyes. "They caught it very late and there is nothing they can do."

Knowing that my Uncle's hours were counted, I wasted no time as I got to packing a small bag. I still have some clothes in Texas, so I really only need my phone, tablet, and Avengers blanket.

However, as I stared at everything in my room, I pondered the idea of taking a bit longer so that I could pack everything. I mean, I doubt I'll be coming back. Obviously, I haven't stopped crying since I got the news and I hate that my Uncle is close to dying; but the fact that this happened now is like a divine sign that I really shouldn't be in Camelot. It's a divine sign that I should go back to my 'real' life and live the life I was supposed to live.

Packing everything would take hours, though, and I don't want to risk not getting to see my Uncle one last time. He requested for me to be there, after all. So… I guess I'll just replace everything, or whatever. They're just things, in the end.

"Astra!" I started when Arthur suddenly entered my room. "You are leaving?!"

I bit down on my bottom lip and kept my eyes on my bag. I really don't want to face him.

"I have to. My Uncle's sick," I responded in a whisper.

"But you will be coming back," he asserted.

"I dunno…"

"Astra, what is happening?!" he questioned as he walked closer to me and placed his hands on my shoulders; a simple motion that made me start crying again. "You have not been acting like yourself. Did I do anything wrong?"

"It's not about you, Arthur, I promise," I said weakly as I shrugged off his hands. "I have to go. My family needs me."

"Astra–"

"Take care of yourself, yeah?" I hung my bag from my left shoulder and pushed past the Prince as he tried to grab me again, hurrying to get out of the room.

I halted when I got to the second storey and gazed down the corridor at the door to Gaius's apartment. I know that this could be my last chance to see my best friend and the man I consider a sort of surrogate grandpa. It almost certainly is my last chance. But I can't face them. I need to sever the bond. For everyone's sake.

So, with a sigh, I kept walking and finally left the castle, went to get Dallas, and met with Leo in the courtyard.

San Antonio, Texas

October, 2023

My brain was stuck in a dizzy daze as I entered the hospital when Leo dropped me off almost as soon as we arrived in the barn at the farm. The bright lights inside instantly caused me to squint my eyes, and the chaotic environment had my head spinning as the sound of multiple indistinct conversations flooded my ears, and people and nurses hastily walked past me from and to all directions.

"I-I'm here to see Gustab Aphelion," I told a reception lady in a shaky whisper, not having the energy to speak any louder.

"Are you all right, miss?" she asked while raising an eyebrow. "I can't let you in if you're sick."

"I'm just tired, I'm not sick," I responded.

"Okay…" she breathed out. "Room 208, second floor."

"Thanks," I mumbled and took off down the corridor, wanting to get to a calmer atmosphere as soon as possible.

As I exited the lift, I made a mental note to take the stairs next time as my headache intensified.

"Astraea – thank goodness! You made it!" Aunt Kelly cried as soon as I rounded a corner and I was instantly crushed into a hug. Pain shot up my arm as I went to return the embrace and I recoiled with a groan. "You're hurt," she stated the obvious as she frowned.

"Bad fall, I'm fine," I replied, attempting a small smile. My entire soul may be hurting, but I'm still glad to see her and my expression should display that.

She hugged me again, only much more carefully this time. "We'll get that checked out," she assured me, causing me to grimace. I hate doctors! "But first – Gus wants to see ya'."

Kelly grabbed my left hand and gently tugged me towards room 208. My stomach dropped as we entered it. Uncle Gustab rested on the bed, looking pale and fragile, but still smiley as he chuckled at something that Sage had said. She and Oliver sat on a couch near the bed, both teary-eyed as they chatted with their father.

You know, in a sense, they're kinda lucky. I mean, obviously, it's horrific that he's dying; but at least they get to peacefully enjoy their last moments together. It's more than Merlin and Balinor can say.

"Look who is here!" Kelly chirped from beside me and, suddenly, all eyes were on me.

"Astra," my Uncle said in a raspy voice as he outstretched an arm towards me.

I cautiously stepped towards him and placed my hand in his when I was close enough to do so. "H-hi, Uncle Gus," I replied in a shaky tone as tears threatened to start falling again.

"I'm so glad to see ya', kid," he responded with a smile.

Sage leaped out of her seat with a squeal and she raced to hug me tightly. I snorted and carefully returned the hug with my healthy arm. Then she pulled away from me and placed her hands on my shoulders as she scanned my face, "You look awful."

"Well, it's been a crazy week," I responded with a shrug.

"Why?" Oliver questioned as he nudged his sister out of the way to hug me as well.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told ya'."

After the excitement of the reunion faded, I sat on the couch between my two cousins, while Kelly sat at the foot of Gustab's bed, and I listened quietly as stories were shared. Or, rather, as I was caught up with everything that has been going on in their 'normal' lives since the last time I was here.

Oliver's 'small' country band went international when they played concerts in Canada and Australia; Sage got her PhD in Neuroscience and married her long-time boyfriend over the past spring; Kelly started volunteering at church after retiring, working with struggling veterans; and Gustab was still enjoying life as a lawyer… until now.

Eventually, my Uncle fell asleep and my cousins and I exited the room, leaving him alone with Kelly for the night. Though not before she implored her children to make me get my arm checked out, which I protested to the point where Oliver ended up picking me up and carrying me all the way to get an x-ray.